Member Jokes

Following is our collection of board humor and chairman one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Member puns for adults, dirty aerial jokes or clean semitic gags for kids.

There is an abundance of klan jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 81 funniest jokes on member. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any privately witze you can hear about member.

The Best jokes about Member

A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.

The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?

The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.

The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?

The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."

I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.

What does Superman and a Blood gang member who lost his gun have in common?

Neither one of them want to see a Kryptonite...

A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...

He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the funeral."

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."


I just found out I'm colour blind

The diagnosis came completely out of the green.

(Courtesy of a family member)

Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?

He went around killing gingers.

News has just come in that The Mars Rover has discovered a member of the feline species while exploring.

Unfortunately, Curiosity killed the cat.

I don't get how a member of the Kim Jong family dies randomly

He wasn't even Il

What does an ISIS member use for sex?

A blow-up doll.

Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?

He really hates gingers


I'v been a gym member for 6 months without any progress...

I think I need to go personally to see what 's going on

2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight,

then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......

Guy goes to a ballgame...

...finds his seat and sees an elderly fellow in the next row with an empty seat beside him. They get to chatting and he asks if the seat is taken:

"Not anymore. My wife and I used to go to all the games together, but she died. This is the first game I've been to since!"

"Oh, I'm so sorry. Couldn't you give the ticket to a friend, or a family member?"

"Nah. They're all at the funeral."

What does a dyslexic klan member hate?

Gingers

The morticians wife.

The mortician gets a call to come pick up Schultz, who dies unexpectedly. While getting him ready for the funeral, he can't help but notice Schultz has a freakishly huge male member. So he cuts it off, puts it in a bag, and brings it home to show his wife this amazing specimen.

He gets home and says, " Honey come look at the amazing thing I found at work today!" She comes over, takes a look in the bag and shrieks loudly, "Oh my God! Schultz is dead!"

Have you heard about the midget Klan member?

He was a little racist.

Three members of the KKK walk into a bar...

They sit at the back in full costume.

The first Klansman thinks to himself, "If the black guy at the bar tries to pull off my hood, I'll kill him!"

The second Klansman thinks to himself, "If the gay guy at the bar tries to pull off my hood, I'll kill him!"

The third Klansman thinks to himself, "If someone pulls off my hood, the gay black guy at the bar will recognize me from last night, and these two will kill me!"

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi decided to go skinny dipping...

Suddenly, they saw three women walking towards them. Each was a member of their flocks. The priest and the minister covered their privates with their hands and closed their eyes waiting for the agony to end.
After the women walked away they noticed the rabbi had covered his face and not his nether regions. He said, "My flock recognizes my face. What kinda sermons do you give?"


What do you call a family member who doesn't support their arguments with evidence?

Just cuz.

(I came up with this just now and I'm so proud of it and I haven't slept in 3 days)

A Native American tribe are looking for buffalo to hunt.

As they travel along, one member puts his ear to the ground for a moment and then says: Buffalo come.

The chief asks How can you tell?

The man replies Sticky ear.

The usher in church greets one of their members...

and says "Welcome! You need to join the army of the Lord!"

The member says,"I am in the Lord's army".

The usher asked,"Then why do I only see you on Christmas and Easter?"

The member leaned over and whispered,"I'm in the Secret Service."

They say 99% of the population is stupid...

I'm glad to be a member of the other 2%!

Kennedy's USSR joke

A man runs into the the Kremlin yelling, "the Premiere is an idiot the Premiere is an idiot".
The man was immidetaly arrested by the KGB and sentenced to 23 years in prison.
3 years for insulting a high ranking member of the party and 20 years for divulging a state secret.

The band The Doors have decided to change their name after the next member dies

It's gonna be Three Doors Down.

The Soviet chairman asks a high ranking party member about potato supplies

Chairman: How does our potato supply look?

Party member: We have so many potatoes that, if they were piled one on top of another, they could reach God.

Chairman: But God does not exist.

Party member: Neither do the potatoes.

Isis and the Christian man

An ISIS member stopped the car of a Christian couple.
ISIS member: Are you Muslim?
Christian man: Yes, I'm Muslim.

ISIS member: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.
ISIS member: Ok yallah go.

Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took.
Why did u tell him that we are Muslims?
If he knew you were lying he would have killed both of us."

"Do not worry! If they knew the Quran they would not kill people" answered the Husband.

Who is the latest member of the X-Men?

Caitlyn Jenner.

Obama was running with a secret service member...

And he was trying to break the record on running 4 laps around the White House lawn. When he finished the Secret Service agent said We'll done sir, your time is 9:22, one of the best times we've had.
Obama then replied, One of the best? Not the best?
The agent replied No sir, Bush did 9:11

Overcrowded church

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

the case for the lost bicycle

A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.

He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"

"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.

"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."

"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"

Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.

"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.

"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

I asked a fellow church member if I can make jokes about Jesus...

They said "As long as you nail it."

What do you call an ISIS member with Tourette's?

A ticking time bomb.

Parish priest

A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."....

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honour of being the FIRST ONE to go to him in Confession."

A trip to Wales.

A couple are driving through Wales late one night and they pass through Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwilllantysiliogogogoch. With nothing much else to do , they start arguing over the pronunciation. Eventually they decide to stop somewhere and ask a local. They pull up somewhere and go inside, and ask the staff member "excuse me, could you pronounce the name of this place, really slowly?"
The kid behind the counter gives them a confused look, and says "burr-gurr kiiiiing"

The Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Tom, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Tom and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Tom, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Tom quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home...and left it there all night.

Hillary Meets with Satan

Hillary was finishing up a day on the campaign trail when the Devil suddenly appeared in her and made her an offer...

"I am here to offer you a deal," the Devil said. "I will give you unlimited wealth, even more power, and a media that will pander to your every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents."

Hillary pondered for a moment and then asked, "Unlimited wealth and power?"

"Absolutely unlimited," the Devil asserted.

"A pandering media?" she asked.

"They'll fall over themselves to support you, no matter what you say or do," the Devil assured.

"And you want my soul, my family's souls, and the souls of my constituents?" she asked.

"Yes. All of them," the Devil answered.

Hillary was deep in thought for a moment, then finally spoke:

"So...what's the catch?"

IRS

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

ISIS guy stopped the car of Christian couple.

ISIS guy stopped the car of Christian couple.
ISIS guy: Are you moslem?
Christian: Yes I am.
ISIS guy: Recite a verse from Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from Bible.
ISIS guys: Yallah-ho-snackbar, you can go.

Later Christian guy's wife: I can't believe you took that risk. If he knew you recited a verse from Bible he would have killed us.

Christian guy: Don't worry, if he knew Quran he wouldn't be member of ISIS.



_________________________


EDIT :

**Dein Beitrag wurde vergoldet!**
What does that mean? Oh! Thanks for the gold ( not sure if I should reveal the user name, I always see people write thanks for the gold stranger )

A man takes his seat at a FIFA World Cup Final

He looks to his left & notices that there is a spare seat betwen himself & the next guy.

MAN: "who would ever miss the FIFA world cup final?"

GUY: "that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."

MAN: "oh... that's terrible, and very sweet of you to have her here symbolically by having a vacant seat .. ..but these are expensive tickets; couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"

GUY: "No...they are all currently at her funeral!"



⚽⚽⚽
FIFA FEVER

A Russian joke (sorry if a repost)

One day a Soviet Party member is walking through red square when he hears a man shout down with the tyrant with the mustache. Immediately the party member drags the man to Stalin and explains what he said. Stalin, furious asks: why did you say that? The man replies he was talking about Hitler. Stalin understands and sends the man on his way. The party member is about to go as well but is stopped by Stalin and asked: which mustached tyrant were you thinking of when you dragged the man here?

Preacher goes to a party

A member of the church decided to call on his preacher to his house one Friday night. The preacher arrives to find a party in full swing.

On entering the house, he sees a circle of naked men with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling their genitals in an attempt to guess their identity.

The embarrassed preacher turns to the host and says, "I'm sorry, I don't think I fit in here."

"Nonsense," says the host. "Your name's been called three times already!"

You should never have sex with your family member.

No matter how much they incest!

How many members of an identifiable group does it take to perform a common task?

A certain number! One to actually perform the task, and the rest to act in a manner stereotypical of the group.

A priest went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year old church member whom he had not seen for many years...

She welcomed him into her home. While she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak organ with a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water and a condom was floating on top of it. Astonished and shocked, he quickly turned away. But after tea, curiosity got the best of him and he asked her about it.
"Oh, yes," she said enthusiastically. "While in town last year I found a package on the sidewalk. The directions on the back said 'keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease.' And you know, I think it works. I haven't
had a cold all winter!"

A rapist, a plagiarist, and a cult member walk into a bar...

Oh wait, I meant the Supreme Court.

Who was the roundest member of Sir Arthurs round table?

Sir Cumference.


He at too much Pi.


He ate approximately 3.142 slices

What do you call a member of the blue man group when he's caught red-handed betraying his fellow blue men?

The purple traitor of a crime.

Three women are getting dressed in the locker room of a country club when a man runs in naked with a bag over his head...

He waves his erection around and streaks out again.

"Well, that's certainly not MY husband!" the first woman huffs to the others.

"No. That's definitely not your husband," the second woman answers.

"He's not even a member of this club!" says the third woman.

What do a gang member and a redneck have in common?

They both know how to throw a good hoe down.

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

A teacher was arrested because he attempted to board a flight while possessing a ruler, protractor, and calculator...

(sorry it's *slightly* outdated but funny nonetheless)

A teacher was arrested because he attempted to board a flight while possessing a ruler, protractor, and calculator. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man's a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. The man's been charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Al-gebra is a problem for us, Gonzales said. Its followers desire solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns,' but we've determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval, with coordinates in every country.

When asked to comment on the arrest, George W. Bush said, If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He'd have given us more fingers and toes. Aides told reporters they couldn't recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.

Why did the KKK member buy a night light?

He was afraid of the dark.

Who's Donald Trump's least favorite family member?

Aunt Tifa.

I used to be a member of the secret cooking society...

They kicked me out for spilling the beans.

Q: How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

How do you starve a BLM member?

Hide their welfare check under a job application.

NFC Championship game

A guy goes to the NFC championship game. He's got great seats, right on the 50 yard line. He looks over and there is an old man sitting next to an empty seat. So he asks, Do you know who this seat belongs to?

The old man says yes, my wife and I have been coming to these games for 40 years. That used to be her seat before she passed away.

Oh, sorry for your loss. Why leave it empty? Why not bring a friend or family member?

I would have he says, but they are all at her funeral.

The reverend John Flapps spots a female member of his congregation staggering drunkenly...

along the street. He tries to assist her but they stumble and he falls on top of her. A passing policeman comes up and says "Oi mate, you can't do that in the street"

The Rev replies "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."

To which the cop replies, "Well, if you're in that far, you may as well Finnish."

A New Car

A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new car together. The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the car wash because in his religion it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism. The next day, the minister discovered the rabbi cutting the end off the exhaust pipe

My French friend doesn't believe Eggs are round.

He's a member of the flat Oeuf society.

Guy goes to hospital and is seen by a nurse

"OK sir, if you could take your underwear off and we will see what the problem is".

The man is hesitant, "don't worry sir, I've been a nurse for 20 years, I've seen it all, I promise not to laugh." She says, reassuringly.

The man drops his undies and holds out his member, it is the same approximate dimensions as a AA battery, the nurse, despite her best efforts, let's out a small giggle.

She clears her throat, "I'm very sorry sir, I promise it won't happen again, can you tell me what the issue is please?"

"It's swollen." He says.

Why did the moth kill the other moth?

He was a member of the Mothia.

Wanna hear something funny?

China is a member of UN human right council

What do LGBTQ folk and folk with scoliosis have in common?

None of them are straight.



(As a member of both groups I now hate myself for telling this joke).

What do you call a depressed gang member?

An emoji... Emo g, get it? From my 13 year old son

What did the Mexican gang member say when two large houses fell on him during an earthquake?

Get off me, homes.

A senior citizen gives birth

Modern medicine has allowed women to give birth at an even older age than than they had been able to do so before.

Using this new in vitro technology, a 65 year old has a baby.

All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family.

When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says not yet.

A little later they ask to see the baby again.

Again the mother says not yet.

Finally they say, When can we see the baby?

And the mother says, When the baby cries.

And they ask, Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?

The new mother says, because I forgot where I put it.

A King is going on a very long trip and wants his wife to be faithful. So, he has a chastity belt made for her.

This is a very special belt because inside there is a miniature guillotine that cuts off any man's member who tries to get through it.

When he returns from his trip he tells all of his men to pull down their pants and he discovers that ALL but ONE, are missing their members: Sir John.

The king says "Good sir, you are the only man who I can trust. If you want anything just say the word."

Sir John replies "UNG! UH! UNG!"

What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?

A hamster

What do you call a blind fascist?

A member of the "Not-see" party

I think my boyfriend is a member of the KKK

Because he is a wizard under the sheets.

What do you call a Jewish bodybuilder that's a member of the aristocracy?

Muscle-Toff

I'm part of a big band group called The Megabytes.

Our thousandth member recently joined, finally readying us for our debut live performance.

It'll be our first gig.

What super hero league would Caitlyn Jenner be a member of?

The X men!

Streaker in a Gym!!!

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his privates.

"Thank goodness!!! He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down as he's passing.

"He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit.
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute!!!" she says. "He's not even a member of this club!"

A woman went to the doctor with indigestion.

The doctor examined her and told her she was pregnant. 'I can't be' she said 'I am not married and havn't had sex for months'. The doctor thought for a minute and then asked if her boyfriend was a member of the SAS. 'Yes' she exclaimed 'how did you know?' The doctor said 'well, they are trained to get in and out without anyone noticing!'

fake gorilla joke

a nearly broke zoo had trouble maintaining and caring for the gorillas, so they had to sell them to a different zoo.

to keep the exhibit open, they dressed up a staff member in a gorilla suit.

for the next week, the fake gorilla was placed in the cage and paid to act real, and he loved it!

everyone loved him, thinking he was a real gorilla, but one day he went too far, climbed up the side of his enclosure (electric fence didn't hurt him through the suit) and accidentally fell into the lion pit!

"help me!" "I'm gonna die!" the fake gorilla screamed.

the lion roared, ran over to the gorilla, and growled in his face:

"shut up or we'll both get fired!"

Member when "Member Berries" wasn't the main remember meme?

Pepperidge farm remembers.

'What Will Communism Be Like?'- A Russian Joke

One day, as a young man, Ivan asked a member of the Party, "What will it be like once we have built communism?". The Party man replied, "The shops will be full of goods, and we will have no money". Four decades passed, and the Soviet Union fell. After the fall of the USSR, Ivan found himself walking the streets of Moscow. He looked at the shops, and he felt in his pockets, and smiled. "Comrades", he said, "We have built communism at last!"

Soviet Russia

A depressed man is walking on the street muttering: "Out of milk, out of eggs, out of meat..."

A member of the police force approaches him: "Shut up or I'll wack you across the head with my gun."

"...Out of ammo"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes