The Best 81 Member Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Member jokes. There are some member chairman jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these member semitic puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Member Jokes and Puns
A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.
The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?
The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
How many members of an ethnicity does it take to perform a specified task?
A finite number! One member to perform the task, and the rest to behave in a manner stereotypical to the ethnicity in question.
The usher in church greets one of their members...
and says "Welcome! You need to join the army of the Lord!"
The member says,"I am in the Lord's army".
The usher asked,"Then why do I only see you on Christmas and Easter?"
The member leaned over and whispered,"I'm in the Secret Service."
'What Will Communism Be Like?'- A Russian Joke
One day, as a young man, Ivan asked a member of the Party, "What will it be like once we have built communism?". The Party man replied, "The shops will be full of goods, and we will have no money". Four decades passed, and the Soviet Union fell. After the fall of the USSR, Ivan found himself walking the streets of Moscow. He looked at the shops, and he felt in his pockets, and smiled. "Comrades", he said, "We have built communism at last!"
How many members of an identifiable group does it take to perform a common task?
A certain number! One to actually perform the task, and the rest to act in a manner stereotypical of the group.
IRS
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi decided to go skinny dipping...
Suddenly, they saw three women walking towards them. Each was a member of their flocks. The priest and the minister covered their privates with their hands and closed their eyes waiting for the agony to end.
After the women walked away they noticed the rabbi had covered his face and not his nether regions. He said, "My flock recognizes my face. What kinda sermons do you give?"
A die-hard fan was very surprised to see an empty seat at the Superbowl...
He noticed a woman sitting next to the empty seat and made a remark about it to her. "Well, it was my husband's", she said. "But he died." "Oh my gosh!" He said. "I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm surprised that another friend or family member didn't jump at the chance to take the ticket." "Beats me", she said. "They all insisted on going to the funeral."
Overcrowded church
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.
One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.
The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"
Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.
After a few moments, there were only three people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.
The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
the case for the lost bicycle
A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.
He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"
"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.
"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."
"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"
Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.
"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.
"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."
The morticians wife.
The mortician gets a call to come pick up Schultz, who dies unexpectedly. While getting him ready for the funeral, he can't help but notice Schultz has a freakishly huge male member. So he cuts it off, puts it in a bag, and brings it home to show his wife this amazing specimen.
He gets home and says, " Honey come look at the amazing thing I found at work today!" She comes over, takes a look in the bag and shrieks loudly, "Oh my God! Schultz is dead!"
You can explore member board reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean member aerial dad jokes. There are also member puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What do a gang member and a redneck have in common?
They both know how to throw a good hoe down.
Preacher goes to a party
A member of the church decided to call on his preacher to his house one Friday night. The preacher arrives to find a party in full swing.
On entering the house, he sees a circle of naked men with blindfolded women moving from man to man, fondling their genitals in an attempt to guess their identity.
The embarrassed preacher turns to the host and says, "I'm sorry, I don't think I fit in here."
"Nonsense," says the host. "Your name's been called three times already!"
The band The Doors have decided to change their name after the next member dies
It's gonna be Three Doors Down.
A woman went to the doctor with indigestion.
The doctor examined her and told her she was pregnant. 'I can't be' she said 'I am not married and havn't had sex for months'. The doctor thought for a minute and then asked if her boyfriend was a member of the SAS. 'Yes' she exclaimed 'how did you know?' The doctor said 'well, they are trained to get in and out without anyone noticing!'
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
What do you call a Jewish bodybuilder that's a member of the aristocracy?
Muscle-Toff
What do you call it when a gangster accidentally kills a fellow gang member?
Homiecide
Kennedy's USSR joke
A man runs into the the Kremlin yelling, "the Premiere is an idiot the Premiere is an idiot".
The man was immidetaly arrested by the KGB and sentenced to 23 years in prison.
3 years for insulting a high ranking member of the party and 20 years for divulging a state secret.
Why did the moth kill the other moth?
He was a member of the Mothia.
The Soviet chairman asks a high ranking party member about potato supplies
Chairman: How does our potato supply look?
Party member: We have so many potatoes that, if they were piled one on top of another, they could reach God.
Chairman: But God does not exist.
Party member: Neither do the potatoes.
They say 99% of the population is stupid...
I'm glad to be a member of the other 2%!
Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?
He went around killing gingers.
Have you heard about the midget Klan member?
He was a little racist.
Isis and the Christian man
An ISIS member stopped the car of a Christian couple.
ISIS member: Are you Muslim?
Christian man: Yes, I'm Muslim.
ISIS member: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.
ISIS member: Ok yallah go.
Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took.
Why did u tell him that we are Muslims?
If he knew you were lying he would have killed both of us."
"Do not worry! If they knew the Quran they would not kill people" answered the Husband.
Who is the latest member of the X-Men?
Caitlyn Jenner.
Did you know Kim Khardashian's dad was a member of OJ Simpsons legal team?
So the whole family has a history of getting black guys off
TIL my mom isn't a member of any organized political party.
You see, she's a Republican.
What does a dyslexic klan member hate?
Gingers
I think my boyfriend is a member of the KKK
Because he is a wizard under the sheets.
Who was the roundest member of Sir Arthurs round table?
Sir Cumference.
He at too much Pi.
He ate approximately 3.142 slices
News has just come in that The Mars Rover has discovered a member of the feline species while exploring.
Unfortunately, Curiosity killed the cat.
I just found out I'm colour blind
The diagnosis came completely out of the green.
(Courtesy of a family member)
A trip to Wales.
A couple are driving through Wales late one night and they pass through Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwilllantysiliogogogoch. With nothing much else to do , they start arguing over the pronunciation. Eventually they decide to stop somewhere and ask a local. They pull up somewhere and go inside, and ask the staff member "excuse me, could you pronounce the name of this place, really slowly?"
The kid behind the counter gives them a confused look, and says "burr-gurr kiiiiing"
Three members of the KKK walk into a bar...
They sit at the back in full costume.
The first Klansman thinks to himself, "If the black guy at the bar tries to pull off my hood, I'll kill him!"
The second Klansman thinks to himself, "If the gay guy at the bar tries to pull off my hood, I'll kill him!"
The third Klansman thinks to himself, "If someone pulls off my hood, the gay black guy at the bar will recognize me from last night, and these two will kill me!"
What did the Mexican gang member say when two large houses fell on him during an earthquake?
Get off me, homes.
An ISIS member walks into a bar
And He offers everyone free shots!
What do you call a depressed gang member?
An emoji... Emo g, get it? From my 13 year old son
What super hero league would Caitlyn Jenner be a member of?
The X men!
How do you starve a BLM member?
Hide their welfare check under a job application.
You should never have sex with your family member.
No matter how much they incest!
What does Superman and a Blood gang member who lost his gun have in common?
Neither one of them want to see a Kryptonite...
Member when "Member Berries" wasn't the main remember meme?
Pepperidge farm remembers.
Guy goes to a ballgame...
...finds his seat and sees an elderly fellow in the next row with an empty seat beside him. They get to chatting and he asks if the seat is taken:
"Not anymore. My wife and I used to go to all the games together, but she died. This is the first game I've been to since!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry. Couldn't you give the ticket to a friend, or a family member?"
"Nah. They're all at the funeral."
I don't get how a member of the Kim Jong family dies randomly
He wasn't even Il
What do you call an ISIS member with Tourette's?
A ticking time bomb.
Q: How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?
A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.
What do you call a family member who doesn't support their arguments with evidence?
Just cuz.
(I came up with this just now and I'm so proud of it and I haven't slept in 3 days)
Why did the KKK member buy a night light?
He was afraid of the dark.
The reverend John Flapps spots a female member of his congregation staggering drunkenly...
along the street. He tries to assist her but they stumble and he falls on top of her. A passing policeman comes up and says "Oi mate, you can't do that in the street"
The Rev replies "You don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps."
To which the cop replies, "Well, if you're in that far, you may as well Finnish."
A man is up for murder
A man is up for murder and discovers his friend a member of the jury
He asks him with great glee "will you please try and get me sentenced with manslaughter"
His friend decides to take up the request.
The mans day in court comes up and he is sentenced with manslaughter, delighted he turns to his friend ans says "was it difficult to get everyone else to go with manslaughter"
His friend replies "it wasn't easy the rest of them didn't think you were guilty at all"
A vegan, a Mensa member, and a guy who doesn't own a TV walk into a bar.
How do we know this? Because they told everyone.
What does an ISIS member use for sex?
A blow-up doll.
A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.
The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."
Three women are getting dressed in the locker room of a country club when a man runs in naked with a bag over his head...
He waves his erection around and streaks out again.
"Well, that's certainly not MY husband!" the first woman huffs to the others.
"No. That's definitely not your husband," the second woman answers.
"He's not even a member of this club!" says the third woman.
What do you call a blind fascist?
A member of the "Not-see" party
I used to be a member of the secret cooking society...
They kicked me out for spilling the beans.
I'v been a gym member for 6 months without any progress...
I think I need to go personally to see what 's going on
I asked a fellow church member if I can make jokes about Jesus...
They said "As long as you nail it."
What do you call an ISIS member who has a 100 lovers?
A shepherd.
A sad day for a doctor
After 7 years of study, training and hard work, a member of the medical profession has been fired after one minor lack of judgment. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, effort, training and money. This shows that one minor mistake can ruin your career. Praying for him and his family. He was a genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant veterinarian.
Did you hear about the dyslexic KKK member?
He really hates gingers
I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.
My parents did.
A New Car
A rabbi and a minister decided to buy a new car together. The day after they bought it, the rabbi found the minister driving it. The minister explained that he had just gone to the car wash because in his religion it is customary to welcome a new member with the rite of baptism. The next day, the minister discovered the rabbi cutting the end off the exhaust pipe
My French friend doesn't believe Eggs are round.
He's a member of the flat Oeuf society.
What do you call a member of the blue man group when he's caught red-handed betraying his fellow blue men?
The purple traitor of a crime.
I'm a member of the American Medical Association...
...AMA.
A Native American tribe are looking for buffalo to hunt.
As they travel along, one member puts his ear to the ground for a moment and then says: Buffalo come.
The chief asks How can you tell?
The man replies Sticky ear.
Obama was running with a secret service member...
And he was trying to break the record on running 4 laps around the White House lawn. When he finished the Secret Service agent said We'll done sir, your time is 9:22, one of the best times we've had.
Obama then replied, One of the best? Not the best?
The agent replied No sir, Bush did 9:11
What do LGBTQ folk and folk with scoliosis have in common?
None of them are straight.
(As a member of both groups I now hate myself for telling this joke).
I'm part of a big band group called The Megabytes.
Our thousandth member recently joined, finally readying us for our debut live performance.
It'll be our first gig.
Who's Donald Trump's least favorite family member?
Aunt Tifa.
Wanna hear something funny?
China is a member of UN human right council
Soviet Russia
A depressed man is walking on the street muttering: "Out of milk, out of eggs, out of meat..."
A member of the police force approaches him: "Shut up or I'll wack you across the head with my gun."
"...Out of ammo"
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight,
then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......
A rapist, a plagiarist, and a cult member walk into a bar...
Oh wait, I meant the Supreme Court.
One day a Soviet Party member is walking through red square when he hears a man shout down with the tyrant with the mustache.
Immediately the party member drags the man to Stalin and explains what he said. Stalin, furious asks: why did you say that? The man replies he was talking about Hitler. Stalin understands and sends the man on his way. The party member is about to go as well but is stopped by Stalin and asked: which mustached tyrant were you thinking of when you dragged the man here?
Sad News At The Nestle Factory
Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered
An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?" "Yesh, Shombody shtole me car!",
The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car last time you saw it?" "It was at the end of this key." About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OOH GOD... they got me girl too!"
A woman with a morbid fear of drowning is on a ship in the middle of an ocean. Nervously,she asks a crew member 'how far away from land are we?' He reassures her' don't worry,we're only 5 miles from land'. Relieved, she says 'oh,in which direction?'
'That would be straight down Ma'am', he replies..
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the member klan jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working member privately piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.