The Best 69 Meets Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Meets jokes. There are some meets satisfy jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these meets asks puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Meets Jokes and Puns

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, I want to be President one day.

Trump says, Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?

The kid replies, You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.

Where do little jokes come from?

Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.

So there's this girl named Mary...

1. Mary meets a guy named Joseph
2. Mary ends up pregnant
3. ???
4. Prophet

Meets joke, So there's this girl named Mary...

A guy meets a hooker in a bar

She says to him, "this is your lucky night. I've got a special going, for $300 i'll do absolutely anything you can think of but the catch is you have to be able to say it in 3 words or less."

The guy replies, "thats a great deal" then slowly lays out 3 &100 dollar notes and says "Paint... My... House."

Teddy Bears

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."


A lawyer and the pope die at the same time and go to heaven...

The pope is first and meets St. Peter at the gates to heaven. St. Peter says welcome to heaven and gives him a nice little plot of land with a decent sized house. The lawyer is next and St. Peter directs him to this huge mansion on the shore of a beautiful lake with anything the lawyer could want. The lawyer asks St. Peter "Why do I get this mansion with anything I could ask for and the holiest man on earth gets a small house?"
St. Peter replies by saying "We've got hundreds of popes up here, but you're the only lawyer!"

A Kentucky Fried Chicken lobbyist meets with the Pope.

He offers a donation of ten million dollars to the church if the Pope agrees to change the words in the Lord's Prayer from give us this day our daily bread to give us this day our daily chicken

The Pope apologizes and says he is not interested.

100 million dollars , says the KFC rep.

Again the Pope shakes his head and explains that these words are sacred.

One billion dollars. This is our final offer.

After some consideration of the sum of the donation that the church is about to receive, the Pope reluctantly agrees to the deal. He then returned to the Vatican and called a meeting of all the Cardinals.

I have good news and bad news, the Pontiff said. The good news is, I have managed to secure a donation of one billion dollars to our church. The bad news is, we've lost the Wonder Bread account.

Meets joke, A Kentucky Fried Chicken lobbyist meets with the Pope.

A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone

**British soldier**: Did you come here to die?

**Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!

A priest meets a drunk outside a bar.

The drunk claims to be Jesus, but the priest doesn't believe him. The drunk insists, so the priest demands the drunk prove it. At this, the drunk leads the priest into the bar, upon which the bartender exclaims in disbelief "Jesus Christ, not you again."

A man visits the doctor

and then he meets a friend.
Friend: Whatsup, where you been?

Man: Ive visited the doctor

Friend: What did he say?

Man: 200 Dollars

Friend: Yeah, but what do you have

Man: I have 50 dollars

Friend: I Mean whats the problem?

Man: 150 dollars

I m not sure if it makes any sense in English, but i tried

A young mother is cleaning her son Jimmy's room...

When she stumbles upon an S&M magazine underneath his pillow. She freaks out because young Jimmy is only 8 years old. She runs to her room where she meets her husband.

"Bill, look what I found underneath Jimmy's pillow! He's only 8, what should we do??!"

The husband eyes the magazine and ponders.

"...Well we can't spank him."

You can explore meets rendezvous reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean meets conform dad jokes. There are also meets puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Foreign Sex

A man decides he wants to have a one night stand with a foreign girl. So he meets a girl they go to the bedroom. After the first round, the man says to her, You finish? The girl shakes her head, no. So they do it again. Now the man is really tired. So he says, You finish? Again, she shakes her head. So they do it again. By now, the man is exhausted. So he says to the girl, You finish? The girl answers, No, I Norwegian .

The President meets with 50 top recruits from each branch of the armed forces...

And says "Welcome! I want to give you all an opportunity to explore the capital of our great nation before we begin the tour of the White House. We'll meet here at 4:00...

For those of you in the Army, that'll be at sixteen hundred hours,

For those of you in the Navy, that'll be at eight bells,

And for those of you in the Marines, the little hand will be on the four and the big hand will be on the twelve."

A man meets a Native American with flawless memory...

When he meets this Native American Chief he notices he is older than most.
He asks the Chief many questions, and the Chief replies flawlessly to each one.

Then he thinks of a random date and asks the Chief, "What did you eat on October 18, 1987?" The Chief replies "Eggs".

He leaves the Chief and goes home. A year later he meets the Chief again. Feeling respectful he approaches the Chief, and says "How" and the Chief says, "Scrambled!"

A monk decides to become a scribe...

When he arrives at the scribes' church, he meets the bishop and begins his apprenticeship. While checking a scroll, he has question and approaches the bishop for help. The bishop decides to check the original scroll in the catacombs, so he descends into the basement of the church. Several hours later, since he hasn't returned, the monk goes down into the catacombs to find him.

The monk finds the bishop laying on the ground in the fetal position, clutching the scroll to his chest and sobbing. With tears in his eyes, he looks up at the monk and says...

"It says 'celebrate'."

My go-to joke: Chicken walks into a bar...

A chicken walks into a bar, meets an egg. They go home together and the sleep together, and when they're done the chicken rolls over in bed, lights a cigarette, takes a drag, and says, "Well, I guess that answers *that* question."

Meets joke, My go-to joke: Chicken walks into a bar...

Redneck boy meets his dream girl!

A young boy comes home to his father one day after school.

"Dad, I met the most INCREDIBLE girl in the world today. She's smart, she's beautiful, AND she's funny."

Dad pats his son on the back and walks him into the kitchen, "That's great, son. I'm proud of you for finding someone you like so much."

"That's not the best part, Dad. She's a VIRGIN."

At this point the father slams his hand down on the counter, "I forbid this relationship, son. I never want you to see this girl again. And if I find out you do, I'm going to give you the biggest whooping you ever had."

Tears stream down the son's face, "But, Dad, WHY? She's amazing and she likes me!"

"Well, son. If she ain't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar.

She says, 'This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for Β£300 as long as you can say it in three words.' The guy replies, 'Hey, why not?' He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays Β£300 on the bar, and says slowly. 'Paint…my….house.'

A man is following the Oregon Trail. He meets a man named Terry...

"Terry? What a stupid name!"

Terry killed him.

He died from dissin' Terry.


Just three words . . .

A middle-aged man meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I've got a special game for you. I'll do absolutely anything you want for $100 as long as you can say it in just three words."

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?"

He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $100 on the bar, and says slowly, "Paint . . . my . . . house."

A guy meets his friend on the street

but his friend has a horribly swollen face, is missing teeth, has scratches on his arms, blood all over his shirt and he looks scared and disorientated. Of course his friend gets extremely worried and asks:
"Are you all right?! What happened dude?"
"I just buried my mother-in-law..."
"So?"
"Well she resisted".

A man meets a Genie and gets three wishes

However any of his wishes that are granted, also come true for all the politicians in the world times two.

**Genie:** What is your first wish?

**Man:** I want a million dollars.

**Genie:** You now have a million dollars and all the worlds politician now receive two million.

**Genie:** What is your second wish?

**Man:** I want a new Mercedes.

**Genie:** You now have a new Mercedes and all the worlds politician now receive two of them.

**Genie:** What is your third and final wish?

**Man:** I want to donate a kidney.

A man comes home and goes to bed with his wife...

Suddenly, he gets mad and says "floral bed sheets? Don't you know that I hate floral bed sheets?" and goes under the bed in a huff. He meets another naked man under the bed and tells him "apparently, you don't like floral bed sheets either."

A child tells the make a wish foundation.

So a child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks "what do you want more than anything" the child responds "to trade places with Donald trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and says "so you want to know what it's like to be president?"

The child retorts "no I just wanted you to have cancer"

A man asks his boss for the day off...

"I must take today off sir, I am going to be a father"
The boss says sure and congratulates him
The next day the man comes back to work and meets his boss
"So do you have a baby boy or girl now?" The boss asks
The man says, "I don't know, ask me again in 9 months"

A British girl meets a guy...

And they hit it off immediately. The girl goes to her dad the next day to tell him about it.

"Oh, dad, he's just the sweetest! He loves dancing and photography, he's great with kids, and he volunteers at an animal shelter. He's funny, handsome, a great listener, oh! and he's a goalie for a local football team. Oh dad, what do you think?"

Her dad looked at her with an odd expression and said "Oh honey...

... *he's a keeper*"

A guy gets taken to his cell on his first day of prison...

...he meets his cellmate for the first time, a huge hulk of a man, who turns to him and says, 'We're gonna play a game, a game of mommies and daddies... Do you wanna be the mommy or the daddy?'

The new convict relunctantly replies, 'I guess I'll, ...I'll be the, ...the daddy?...'

The inmate smiles and says 'Fantastic! ...Now come over here and suck mommy's cock'.

A zebra dies and goes to heaven

The zebra meets God and asks him the one true question that he's been wondering his whole life.

"God, am I a white zebra with black stripes, or a black zebra with white stripes?"

God responds, "You are who you are."

It was then that the zebra knew he was white with black stripes. If he was black with white stripes, God would have told him, "You is who you is."

A guy meets his buddy at the bar.

He says, "I don't want to brag, but when I walked in, those two girls by the door looked at me, then both said to each other, 'nine' ". His buddy said, "Really? When I walked in, they were speaking German!"

A boy meets an astrologer

The Astrologers predicts that the boy will die soon.

Disheartened he walks into his professor and turns off all the lights; but why?

Because he knew, with no light; the professor's pupils will dilate.

A Mexican boy meets Donald Trump

The Mexican boy says "One day, I'm going to be President of the United States!"
Donald Trump replied "Are you crazy?" "Are you retarded?" "Are you out of your mind?"
The Mexican boy pauses for a second and says "That's too many requirements for being President."

A guy meets a hooker in a bar

And buys her a drink. She says to him "For $300, I'll do anything you want as long as you can ask for it in 3 words." So he thinks about it for a minute, reaches into his wallet, pulls out three Benjamins, slaps them on the bar and says "Paint. My. House".

A man meets a girl in a bar

The man says to the girl "every time you smile it makes me want to take you home"

The girl replies "Your words are beautiful, are you a poet?"

The man replies "No I am a dentist"

Two crazy people are by the pool in an asylum...

One of them falls in, the other quickly jumps in and saves him.

The doctor later meets the saviour and says "we've assessed your situation and believe you're qualified to leave the asylum based on your rational deeds. However I regret to inform you that the man you saved hung himself in the same night".

The man smiles and confidently says "oh he didn't, I hung him to dry him up!"

What do you call a debate club that only meets once a year?

The United States Congress.

A Texan meets a Havard grad. Curious, he asks:

Texan: Where are you from?

Harvard grad: I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.

Texan: Okay – where are you from, jackass?

A man goes to a Halloween party dressed up as a chicken and he meets a girl dressed up as an egg.

The answer is the chicken.

A man meets his friend.. who has started wearing Earrings. He asks "Since when did you start wearing Earrings?"

Friend "Ever since my wife found them in my car!

Trump meets the Queen

So Donald asks the Queen how you get to be king or a duke or other Royalty.

Queen:' Look Donald, an Emperor rules an Empire, a king rules a kingdom, a prince ruled a principality, a duke rules a duchy and so on'
Donald:' I rule the USA, what does that make me'
Queen: that's a country, that makes you a ....

A fat guy meets a skinny guy...

The fat one says: "You look like there's been a famine."

The skinny one replies: "You look like you caused it".

We all complain about reposts, but do you know where new jokes come from?

A dad joke meets a yo mama joke... and then they screw in a lightbulb.

A penguin is driving down the highway when he starts having engine problems.

He pulls into a local mechanic's and the mechanic says, Give me an hour and I'll let you know the problem. The penguin walks out and see an ice cream shop and goes in for a vanilla cone.
An hour later, he walks back to the mechanic's. The mechanic see him coming and meets him at the counter and says, It looks like you've blown a seal.
The penguin wipes his mouth and says, No, no, that's just ice cream.

Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor

A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

Me and my wife gave our 15 year old daughter the "go ahead" to start dating boys, but she is having the worst luck.

Every one she meets online gets arrested.

Alex Jones dies and meets Jesus at the pearly gates.

As they are waiting to see if God will allow Alex into heaven, Jesus says:

"Alex, while we wait you can ask me any question and I will answer it".

So Alex asks him, "who planned 9/11?"

And Jesus responds "Osama Bin Laden"

Alex goes " wow, this goes higher up than I thought."

I'm getting paid a lot to shut down Zoom calls...

Now I'm making ends meet by making meets end!

A nights work...

A guy meets a sex workerΒ in a bar.

She says, "Hey, tonight is your lucky night. I've got a very special game for us to play. Tonight I'll do absolutely anything you want for Β£300 as long as you can say it in three words."

The guy replies, "Hey, why not?, you're on" So he proceeds to put Β£300Β on the bar from his wallet, and says to the sex worker slowly. "Paint…my….house."

A guy gets to Heaven and meets God for the first time...

God says, welcome my child. For living an exemplary life and following in my footsteps, I welcome you to Heaven and will answer one question for you. The answer to any of your life's mysteries that you desire.

The man ponders. He hurriedly thinks back on his life, wondering which answer he wants the most and not wanting to waste God's time, but he can't decide. He stares back at Him, unsure of what to say.

God says, don't worry my child, I am all knowing, so I already know what question you will ask.

The man, visibly relieved, exclaimed oh thank you! What is it?

That one. Enjoy eternity!

An American man meets a woman while on a business trip to Paris. She barely speaks any English, but their date goes well...

During sex, she is moaning and basically screaming C'est le mauvais trou . He is emboldened and confident, seeing how much he's pleasing her. Over and over again, C'est le mauvais trou!

The next day, he's playing golf with a client who hits an amazing hole in one. Eager to use his new compliment, the man says C'est le mauvais trou!

The client replies What the hell do you mean that's the wrong hole?!

A fat man meets a skinny man

The fat man tells the skinny man: "when people look at you, they think the world's starving to death"

And the skinny man responds: "when they look at you, they know why"

A man meets a girl named Carmen at a party.

That's a pretty name, where did it come from?

Carmen said: Actually, I gave myself that name- I like cars, and I like men, so...Carmen. What is your name?

My name is Bob Titsengolf.

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?

He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!

When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?

Very good, she replies.

And what happened to my present?

Which present? she asks.

The one I asked for - an Italian girl!

Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.

An Asian man goes on a trip to America

He goes to an American Bank to converts his money to dollars, while going through his trip he meets a generous old friend who decides to let him stay in his place and also pay for his expenses during his stay.

After a few days he decides to return back to his country and heads to the bank to convert his money back. But the asian man sees that he received less money than he previously had even though he hadn't spent anything, so he asks about this to the banker.
The banker said," fluctuations ".

The asian man replied," fluck you americans too".

A man goes in for hernia surgery

After the operation, the doctor meets him in the recovery room.

"Sir, the operation was successful but I have bad news. We accidentally removed your testicles during the surgery."

The man was immediately furious.

"You bastards! You dumb idiots! I'll kill you for this!"

The surgeon calmly replies "Now sir, you don't have the balls."

Two prostitutes meets at the bus to their corner.

"Hey hoe"

"Hey hoe"

"Off to work we go"

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.

"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"

"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he says handing over the key. "I appreciate its quite late so we'll have a bit of a later start tomorrow. Are you happy to meet us in the lobby for ten-ish?"

"Tennish?" asks Sean, "but I didn't even bring my racket!"

... An old joke in honor of the great man.

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.

two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud? .

God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232 .

After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, This goes higher up than we thought .

A young man goes to a formal ball in Boston.

He parks his car, goes up to the venue, and he has a great time. He meets a young woman there, and the two of them hit it off.

I came here on the bus, she says, Would you mind giving me a ride home?

So obviously he says yes, and the two of them leave the venue together. When they get to his car, the man goes up and presses his leg against the car door, and the car immediately opens up!

The girl asks, Wow, how did you do that?

What do you mean? the man says, These are my khakis.

So a time traveler meets George W Bush...

Time Traveler: "What year is it?"

George Bush: "2001"

TT: "Before or after the 9/11 terrorist attack?"

GB: "Before"

Guy dies and goes to hell.

Satan meets him and tells him he's got to pick between 2 rooms. They go into the first room, and it's full of people standing on their heads on a marble floor. He takes him to the second room, and it's full of people sitting in an 18-inch deep layer of shit, drinking coffee. Guy figures that he likes coffee, and he'll get used to the smell, so he chooses the second room. He gets a cup of coffee, sits down and takes a sip. At that moment, Satan sticks his head back in the room and calls out Ok, everybody. Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!

What happens when nitrogen meets oxygen?

Do they become nitrogen monoxide? NO.

Do they become nitrogen dioxide? NO2.

Do they become nitrogen trioxide? NO3.

They become nitrous oxide! The joke is not very funny, but the gas still makes people laugh.

A father meets his son's teacher.

« Sir, I'm afraid your son is a cheater », says the teacher.

« What? No ! What makes you say that? » responds the father

« Well, in the last math test, he had the same answers as his neighbour. »

« Yeah, that's a math test, duh. There's only one good answer, right? »

« Indeed, but in one of the questions, your son's neighbour answered "I don't know" .»

« So what ? »

« Well, your dumbass son wrote "yeah, me neither". »

I asked my Canadian friend if he knew the word for where the land meets the sea.

He replied, "Oh ya, shore."

Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?

God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.

After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, This goes higher up than we thought.

A man meets an attractive woman in a bar and tells her, You know, I'm a lawyer.

Honest? the woman asks.

No, no. Just the regular kind, he replied.

can someone please tell me where the land meets the water

geographer: shore

A redditor meets a girl...

Ba-dum-tss!

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?

Constipation.

---courtesy, my Dad.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the meets meetup jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working meets greet piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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