Meeting Opening Jokes
70 meeting opening jokes and hilarious meeting opening puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about meeting opening that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Meeting Opening Short Jokes
Short meeting opening jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The meeting opening humour may include short meeting opener jokes also.
- Bookstores are a great place to meet women... ... But not so if your opening line is "What does this word mean?"
- A Bostonian shooter opens fire on a Catholic meeting, killing 28 and injuring dozens more. The newspaper headline the next day reads:
"A Massive Massacre Occurs at Mass in Massachusetts." - After interviewing a candidate for an open position, I got an email stating, " It was a pressure meeting you"
- I'm really good at dating in the Tinder age Every girl I meet swipes left at me...usually across the face with an open hand.
- Why does Jarod Fogle go to AA meetings in prison? Because he has to talk to someone that knows the urge of wanting to crack open a tall boy.
- What do you do when you meet a fellow anime watcher appreciates the theme song of an anime you like? Kill him, it's an opening.
- I met with my lawyer to discuss my will... During the meeting he asked me about f**... arrangements. I told him I was thinking of having an open casket f**.... Remains to be seen.
- An opening line when you're meeting her parents. I cut back on the alcohol because you should be able to trust a f**... at 27.
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Meeting Opening One Liners
Which meeting opening one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with meeting opening? I can suggest the ones about opening meeting and meeting.
- Autopsy club meeting Saturday! Its open Mike night.
- The autopsy club has a meeting this Friday. It's Open Mike Night.
Gather Around for Fun Meeting Opening Jokes and Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about meeting opening you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean presentation opening jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make meeting opening pranks.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident;
it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely."
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident;
it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting.
I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued,
"And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man,
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No.
I think I'll just wait for the police..."
In a terrible car accident, 3 nuns die at the same time.
They all appear in front of the gates of Heaven to meet Saint Peter.
When they arrive, Peter informs them that those who lived a life of the cloth must answer some basic questions about theology before they are permitted to enter Heaven.
Each of the nuns has studied their bible well, so they don't feel worried by this.
The first nun steps forward and tells the saint that she's ready.
"Who was the first woman?" Peter asks.
"That's easy!" exclaims the nun. "Eve!"
Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.
The second nun, encouraged by her colleagues easy pass, steps forwards and tells Peter that she's ready, as well. "Who was the first man?" Peter asks.
"Easy! That's Adam!" says the nun, excitedly.
Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.
The third nun is now confident that she won't have any trouble, and steps up to face Peter's question. "What were Eve's first words to Adam?" he asks.
"My, that's a hard one," the nun replies worriedly, but Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open...
For years Johnny helped his father with the vegetable garden.
Every spring Johnny's dad would have Johnny over for a day and they would spend all day tilling the soil to get it ready for planting and then grill some steaks in the evening. One year Johnny fell in with the wrong crowd and was arrested for armed robbery, but the gun was never located. Three months in jail he is talking with his father on the phone. His father recently had a hip replacement and can't move like he used and wishes Johnny was able to help with the gardening. After the conversation Johnny feels so bad that he calls the DA and arranges a meeting.
The next morning, Johnny's father hear's a b**... at his front door. He opens up and sees two detectives and a dozen uniformed officers with a search warrant. They brush the old man aside and make a beeline for the back yard.
Furious, he calls the prison and demands to talk to his son. He asked Johnny how dare he bring his criminal activities home and worry his mother and how ashamed he was of his scumbag son.
Johnny listened to the berating and replied, 'I felt bad that I couldn't help you with the garden this year, so I lied and told them I buried a gun back there.'
A rather bad man dies and meets Satan...
A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."
So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.
Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.
Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in e**... and sipping coffee.
"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.
A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"
Peace'n quiet in Auz
Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild s**..., too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.
Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek...
One day, Einstein, Newton, and Pascal meet up and decide to play a game of hide and seek. Einstein volunteered to be It. As Einstein counted, eyes closed, to 100, Pascal ran away and hid, but Newton stood right in front of Einstein and drew a one meter by one meter square on the floor around himself. When Einstein opened his eyes, he immediately saw Newton and said I found you Newton, but Newton replied, No, you found one Newton per square meter. You found Pascal! .
Whatever you do, don't step on a duck.
Three guys got into a car c**... and all died. They all get up to heaven and meet St. Peter at the gates. St. Peter said "Okay everyone can come in, but whatever you do don't step on a duck." The gates open and there are ducks everywhere, all over the floor, on tabletops, everywhere.
The first guy walks in and accidentally steps on a duck. St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the ugliest woman in all the world and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed for all eternity."
The other two see this and do their best not avoid the ducks. The second guy goes months and months without stepping on any duck. Then one morning he wakes up and as he is getting out of bed he steps on two ducks. St. Peter comes over and handcuffs him to the most atrocious looking and smelling woman and says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity."
Now the third guy goes years and years and doesn't step on any ducks in all that time. Then one day St. Peter comes along and handcuffs him to the most beautiful woman he as ever seen. St. Peter says, "Now you must stay handcuffed to each other for all eternity." The guy happily says, "Oh my God, what have I done to deserve this?!" And the woman says, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
PTA Meeting
Three fathers are waiting around at a PTA meeting. They are mulling over life, family and education over by the coffee and the doughnuts until the first dad says, 'I recently taught my son Ben about Taxes. Gee, I wish I hadn't though. Every time I ask him to get me a beer now, he cracks open a tinny and downs half. He then proceeds to say, "There's your beer tax Daddy!"'
The second father laughs. 'Yeah, that sounds like when I taught my Daughters Rose and Violet about Unions. They've been on strike ever since, refusing to do dishes and laundry until they get better pay and more candy!' He chuckles again, retreating into his mug of Coffee.
He looks up again and asks the third man what he's done around the home to help his Daughter. He replied, 'Well, I'm starting to regret teaching Mercedes about Prostitution.'
Latvian joke. Are three.
Latvian go fish. Catch fish. Is excite for food! Boat tip over. Lose fish. Also catch sickness. Die. Leave family only half potato.
Latvian very hungry. Go to neighbor, beg for food. Neighbor very nice, give half potato wrapped in paper. Latvian go home. Too late. Family all starve. Also, not potato wrapped in paper. Is rock. Also very cold outside.
Latvian meet magician on road. Magician offer to do trick. Latvian ask Magician to send him to America, where there many potato. Magician make p**...! and send Latvian away. Latvian open his eyes. Is in Siberia. Also, boots not very warm.
Choose Wisely...
A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."
So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.
Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.
Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in e**... and sipping coffee.
"Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.
A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"
Some questions...
How do you throw a brick out of an airplane?
[Open the door and throw it](/spoiler)
How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?
[Open the fridge and put the giraffe in it](/spoiler)
How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
[Open the door, remove the giraffe and put the elephant](/spoiler)
There was a meeting in the forest where all the animals gathered except which one?
[The elephant, its still in the fridge](/spoiler)
A swamp is filled with crocodiles but still a lady crossed it easily. How?
[The crocodiles had gone to the meeting](/spoiler)
But still the lady died. How?
[The brick fell on her.](/spoiler)
Alaskan retirement.
Jeff had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress,
he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and
gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and
quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks
on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Stan, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having
a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at
about 5:00."
"Great", says Jeff, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet
some local folks. Thank you."
As Stan is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some
drinkin!"
"Not a problem" says Jeff. "After 25 years in the business, I can
drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fighting' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can
handle myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild s**..., too,"
"Now that's really not a problem" says Jeff, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the
way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
Brewery managers go to a bar
In Münchens Oktoberfest, there was a meeting with international brewery managers. After the meeting they decided to go to have a drink at a local Bierstube, well known for their international selection of beers. Coronas head manager sat first on the bar and said:
- Por favor, Senor, could i have a bottle of Corona, the best beer in the world.
The bartender got a bottle, opened it and poured it to a glass.
Next up was Budweisers head manager, who ordered:
- A can of the king of American beers, Budweiser, Thank you.
The bartender gave him a can and a glass.
Then it was Guinness' head managers turn. He ordered:
- Could i get a large coke with ice, please.
The bartender gave him the coke while the two other brewery managers watched stunned. They had to ask:
- Why didn't you order Guinness?
The Guinness' head manager answered:
- I thought that if you fellows don't want to drink beer, I won't drink it either.
A german, a frenchman, and a greek c**... in the amazon
A german, a frenchman, and a greek are on a plane. The plane crashes in the amazon. They meet the natives and they say "don't kill us" and the amazonians say "We will not kill you, but you have to do something. You have to spend 10 years in a cave. We will fill the cave up with all the provisions you need and whatever you want."
They ask the german what he wants. He says "I want bratwurst. I want sausages everywhere. I wanna eat'em all the time, and I wanna eat a lot." So they fill the cave up with sausages.
They ask the frenchman what he wants. He says "I want women. I want women everywhere. I don't what kind of women; what age, what color, what size. I just want women." So they fill the cave up with women.
They ask the greek guy. He says "I want cigarettes. I wanna chain smoke all the time. I wanna smoke my way through the 10 years." So they fill the cave up with cigarettes.
10 years pass and it is time to open the caves. They open the german's cave. Out comes one huge beast of a man, so gelatinous, they can barely get him through the door.
They open the frenchman's cave. And they see little kids playing around, women talking to each other, and the frenchman h**... away at another woman in bed.
they open the greek guy's cave. He is sitting on top of a pile of unopened cigarettes. He says "A lighter...........give me a lighter!"
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette..
are having their usual lunch of PB&J sandwiches in their high school cafeteria one day, when the blonde speaks up "I can't stand it, every day for the last year our mothers only make PB&J and I'm sick of it!"
The other two girls agree they are tired of the same lunch, so the blonde comes up with the idea that if tomorrow they receive the same lunch, they'll jump off the school.
The next day, the girls meet up on the school's roof, and one by one open their lunchboxes to PB&J again. They jump off and all die from the fall.
Later at the f**... the brunette's and redhead's mothers are crying together; lamenting over their stubbornness and not giving their daughters different lunches. They notice that the blonde's mother is quiet and distant, so they ask how she's feeling and why she looks so confused. "I'm upset of course, but don't understand" she replied. "You see, she always makes her own lunch"
The crazy house is running low on space...
So the staff call a meeting to see how they can bring their numbers down. They decide a test is in order.
Unfortunately, traditional Q&A testing didn't yield the kind of results they wanted so they get creative and paint a door on the wall of the lounge area.
The next day they wait and watch to see which patients fall for it. Soon there are lines of crazy people trying to open the fake door. Some resist but still look on in bewildered curiosity except for one man in the corner of the room laughing hysterically. They approach him and ask what he finds so amusing...
Patient: "All the lunatics trying to open that door over there. That's pretty funny"
The staff starts to get excited. This seems promising.
Doctor: "Their behavior seems foolish to you huh?"
Patient: "Downright s**... if you ask me."
Doctor: "Can you please explain why?"
The patient motions for the doctor to come closer and whispers into his ear: "Because I have the key!"
The Geography of a man and women
THE GEOGRAPHY OF WOMAN AND MEN
The Geography of a Woman
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet .
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages.
An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran ,
ruled by a pair of nuts.
THE END.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident...
It's a bad one, caused by the woman's reckless driving. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says; So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police to come and collect their evidence."
3 Nuns die in a car c**......
...and as they have all dedicated their lives to God, their souls are immediately sent up to heaven, where they meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Sisters, I know you are all devout followers of Christ, but unfortunately we have protocol to follow up in here in heaven, and I must first ask each of you a simple question before I can let you enter."
The sisters are somewhat surprised, a little nervous, but agree to answer St. Peter's questions.
"Sister Anne," he says, "who was the first man on earth?"
Sister Anne says "Oh that's an easy one, Adam!"
-GONG- The gates of heaven open up, and Sister Anne walks through.
"Sister Mary: who was the first woman on earth?"
Relieved, Sister Mary exclaims "Eve!"
-GONG- The gates open again, and Sister Mary enters, leaving only Sister Theresa behind.
"Sister Theresa...what was the first thing that Eve said to Adam?"
Sister Theresa pauses, the smile disappearing from her face. She realizes she can't think of the answer, despite her best efforts. Scratching her head in confusion and panic, she admits, "That's a really hard one."
-GONG-
Meeting a blind date
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nerviously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms, and Rollo jumped through and went right over the balcony railing. Just then, Paul's date walked out.
"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the truth," he replied, "He seemed a little depressed to me."
Patty O'Mally
So Patty O'Mally is running late to an extremely important meeting in downtown Dublin. He has been driving around and around for blocks and can not find a parking space. He is feeling panicky and anxious. Finally in desperation, he cries out to the Lord in Heaven, "Dear God! Please help me find a parking space so I can getto this meeting on time, please please help me! If you help me, I will do anything, in fact I promise to always go to church every Sunday and I swear to quit drinking Irish whiskey for the rest of me days." As he finished his devout prayer, lo and behold, a parking space opens up. Patty quickly takes the spot and shouts to Heaven, "Never mind Lord, I found a space!"
A man is set to go hunting, he's supposed to meet his buddy who is already there...
When he gets there he sees that his friends truck door is open and he's laying on the ground right next to the door. As you slowly approaches he notices he's not breathing so in panic stricken state he calls 911...
Operater: "911 hotline, please state your emergency."
Hunter: "My friend, he's laying on the ground! He's dead!"
Operater: "Calm down sir, first we have to make sure your friend is dead"
(Few moments of silence then 2 loud distinct gun shots)
Hunter: "Okay, now what!?"
Chess enthusiasts meet in their hotel after a tournament...
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Best short jokes?
I need a joke for a meeting we have tomorrow at work but I cant remember any good ones after following this tradition weekly for the last few months.
It must be short with just an opening line and a punchline like this:
**Can a ninja throw a star?**
**Shuriken**
The punchline doesnt have to be one word of course, but it cant be a long joke.
Can anybody remember any good ones?
Two onions, male and female, knock into each other on the street...
...An affair begins. Onion romance has occurred.
They tie the knot; several months later they have a baby onion.
Father onion takes another shift to make ends meet.
Mother onion is encumbered with house work one day, much distracted.
Baby onion wanders out the open door unsupervised. It crosses the sidewalk and is hit by a car.
At the hospital mother and father onion pace up and down the hospital corridor, crying.
A team of surgeons try all night to save baby onion's life.
Towards dawn the doors to the hospital room open. A doctor walks out, sweating.
Father onion asks "well, what, how is baby onion?"
The surgeon says "well he'll live, but I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
At Saint Mary's Convent,....
... the Mother Superior is standing n**... in her room, having just stepped out of the shower.
There was a knock at the door and one of the Sisters said, "Mother Superior, there is a blind man here to see you and he's in rather a hurry".
The Mother Superior, not wanting to keep the unfortunate soul waiting decided there would be no harm in meeting a blind man whilst undressed.
"Send him in child", Mother Superior said, opening the door.
The blind man entered and staring at the n**... nun said, "I'm just here to measure the windows".
A man goes into a bar...
and says to the barman "will you give me a free drink if i show you something amazing?"
to which the barman says "sure"
so the man opens the door and in walks a guy who is only 13 inches high, who sits down at a piano and plays all of Mozart's work from memory.
The barman is curious and says "how did that happen?" and the man tells him
"there's a genie round the corner, who's giving away one free wish to everyone he meets."
So the barman goes round the corner and says to the genie "I wish for ten million bucks!", and all of a sudden it starts raining ducks from the sky. the barman quickly gets indoors to escape the wave of ducks and says to the customer "that genie you told me about is really deaf."
and the man says "tell me about it. He though I asked for a 13 inch pianist"
Bob and Joe, old friends who haven't seen each other in years, meet in the street
"Joe!" says Bob. "Bob!" says Joe, "How are ya? It's been years!".
"It sure has!" said Bob, "But listen, I'm in a rush right now. Why don't you come to my place tomorrow and we'll catch up?"
"Sure!" says Joe.
"Ok. I live at Apartment 12, 110 Lexington. Come to the lobby door and press the buzzer with your right elbow. Push the door open with your left foot when I buzz you in. Go to the elevator and use your nose to press the call button. Apartment 12 is on the third floor, so use your left elbow to press the button, then come along to my apartment and give the door a tap with your right foot and I'll let you in."
"Ok Bob. But why all the elbows and feet and noses?" says Joe, perplexed.
Bob says "What, you're coming empty handed?!"
Whenever I feel depressed in life.. I open my E-Mail spam inbox
I find:
* 10 banks are giving me easy loans.
* I have won GBP 10000000 and USD 500000 for unknown reasons.
* 10 Job companies have best jobs for me.
* 5 matrimonial sites have most suited matches for me.
* Dr. Batra has claimed that he will cure my hair fall.
* 3 universities are giving me degrees in random subjects.
* And Approx 40-50 mails from different girls who are feeling lonely and want to meet me.
Praying for a parking space..
A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I'll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.
Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.
Newspaper ad - RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
3 ladies at work (yes it's yet another Blonde joke)
Three ladies all work in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they'd all leave a few minutes after her. After all, she never called or came back, so how was she to know?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy happy happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was with them.
"NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!"
What would you do if you won the lottery?
Two friends meet together and one asks:
What would you do if you won the lottery?
-I would build a brothel!
Oh, and if it went wrong and you loose money?
-I'd open it to the public
A guy moves way way out to the country...
...miles from anything. One day there's a knock at the door, and he opens it to find a guy in full hayseed regalia, overalls, thermal shirt, the works.
Hick: "Howdy, new neighbor! Would ya like to come to a party at my place tonight?"
New guy: "Well, sure! I'm new to these parts, I sure would love to meet the locals."
Hick: "I gotta warn ya, there'll be some drinkin'."
New guy: "That's OK, I could use a drink."
Hick: "There'll be some salty language."
New guy: "That won't bother me."
Hick: "...and some rough s**...."
New guy: "Hey, I'm in! How about if I bring a case of wine?"
Hick: "Nah, a bottle should do: it's just you and me."
A religious old lady prayed everyday for wealth...
She had lived a life free of sin and had suffered greatly through no fault of her own. Every day she went to her local church and prayed:
"God, i have been all my life, please, let me win the lottery"
Every day for many years she did this, until one day, the church roof split open and a booming voice commanded:
"WELL AT LEAST MEET ME HALFWAY AND BUY A TICKET!"
A nun gets up in the morning, leaves, and walks down the corridor of the convent.
There, she meets another nun, who says to her, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!" The nun continues down the corridor, only to have another nun say, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!" This happens fifteen times and by then she is livid! She meets the Mother Superior, and the Mother Superiors just about to open her mouth, when the nun explodes, "DON'T TELL ME I GOT OUT OF THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED THIS MORNING!" And the Mother Superior says, "I wasn't going to say that. I was just going to ask what you are doing with the Bishop's shoes on?"
c**...
Many years ago
Just before leaving to meet my first real girlfriend,
My Dad pulled me into his bedroom,
He opened his bedside drawer and handed me a c**....
With a wink he said, 'Take care, Son, I'm proud of you'
To this day I'm not sure what was worse:
My Dad's knowledge and pride in what I was about to do,
or
Having used a c**... that was intended for my Mother.
Trust Issues
A rich polish man leaves his homeland to start over in America and find love.
After a year in the states and building a successful business, he meets a woman who he falls in love with and they get married.
After 2 months of being married and living together the polish man goes to see a divorce attorney.
He tells the attorney he needs to file for divorce out of fear that his wife is trying to steal his money.
The attorney says "Okay, why do you think she is trying to steal your money?"
"She's trying to kill me!"
"Sir, that's a serious accusation! Do you have any proof of this?"
"Well when I was in the bathroom, I opened her drawer and I saw a bottle that said 'Polish Remover'!"
Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20 story building.
During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.
First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."
Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."
Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.
Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running
toward the window.
Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"
Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"
An attractive woman was reading The History of p**... on the bus the other day...
... I struck up a conversations opening with "That seems interesting"
She responds: "It really is! Did you know that Native Americans have the longest p**... in the world? And Poles the girthiest!"
She extends her hand, I grab it and say... "Tonto Polanski, pleasure to meet you"
There once was a farmer with 3 daughters who were all going on their first date at the same time...
The farmer, being protective over his daughters, decided to meet their dates at the door with his shotgun. The doorbell rang, and the farmer answered the door.
He was met with a boy, who said: "Hi! My name's Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?"
The farmer looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
The next boy arrived: "My name's Eddy, I'm here for Betty. We're gonna get some spaghetti. Is she ready?"
The farmer felt that this one was okay too, so he sent them on their way.
The final date arrived, the farmer opened the door: "Hi, my name is Chuck".
And the farmer shot him.
A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love...
The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
The frog asks for the good news first.
The fortune teller says, You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you and will want to know all about you. She will want you to open up for her."
Great! says the frog. What's the bad news?
Well, you're going to meet her in biology class."
Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20-story building.
During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.
First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."
Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."
Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.
Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running toward the window.
Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"
Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"
World Leaders
President Macron, Theresa May and Angela Merkel meet for a summit at the North Sea.
Gazing over the water, May says, "We have a submarine that can stay underwater for 10 days." Macron responds, "That's nothing, our submarines can stay underwater for 30 days!" Merkel looks quite ashamed and shies away, when suddenly a U-Boot surfaces, the hatch opens and the commander looks out: "Heil h**..., we need Diesel!"
Golden Toilet
Two colleagues, Elon and Felix, meet after work and Felix is all excited: "Man, I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude's house who had toilet made of gold!"
"You're kidding!".
"Nope" said Felix as he took Elon to the house.
They rang the doorbell and a middle-aged lady opens and Felix asks,"Can we see the toilet made of gold?"
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells inside the house, "Roger, the pig that s**... in your t**... is here!"
A Manager comes back from a Leadership Seminar
A manager comes back from a Leadership Seminar, full of bright ideas and cheerfulness. He calls a meeting of all of his employees and announces that his office door will be open, and he will be easily accessible for the rest of the week, and if there is ANYTHING an employee needs, now is the time to come talk to him.
Less than an hour later, the manager is sitting in his office, and Joe comes in sheepishly.
"Boss," says Joe, "I've got a problem."
"No, Joe!" says the manager. "In this company, we do not have problems. We have opportunities!"
"Ok boss," says Joe, "I've got a drinking opportunity"
Two gentlemen meet for a duel...
The first gentleman, who challenged the other after being humiliated, is a man of honor. "I am the one who has challenged you. As such, I shall allow you to choose our weapons." He opens a case with two swords and two guns. "Would you like to duel with swords, or guns?"
The second gentleman is trained with a sword, and knows that his opponent is skilled with a firearm. As such, he chooses to give himself the advantage. "I choose to duel with swords!"
The challenger nods at this choice. "Very well then." He hands both swords to his opponent. "Here are your swords. That just leaves me with the guns."
Spy
A spy is getting instructions for his mission: You will parachute in a field behind the enemy lines. By the field there is a shack by a road. Behind the shack there is bicycle. Ride the bicycle 10 miles north and you will be in a village where you will meet your contact at the local tavern. He will give further information.
That evening the spy is dropped from the airplane. The parachute doesn't open. The spy complains: I bet there is no bicycle either .
Two elderly ladies meet at the laundromat after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.
Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"
I opened a can of peas instead."
My friend and I were late for a meeting
My friend and I were late for a meeting
We'd never been in that particular building before and we were lost.
My friend opened the wrong door and it turned out to be for a wedding reception.
After he closed the door, he seemed embarrassed and I said to him, "You look like you've seen a toast."
A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.
1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.
Third and most important.
3. He should be great in bed.
One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.
The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't have legs so I can't leave you. I think I'm the guy."
The lady in an angry voice asked him back, "How the h**... are you supposed to be great in bed then? Didn't you read the third requirement?"
I think You're mistaken my lady.
Peter replied, "I rang the doorbell. Didn't I?"
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited
Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude's house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!
No way!
Yes way, insists Fred, come with me and check it out for yourself if you don't believe me.
Twenty minutes later they're ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, Hi! I'm sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn't believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, Roger, the pig that s**... in your t**... is here!
A young man goes to a formal ball in Boston.
He parks his car, goes up to the venue, and he has a great time. He meets a young woman there, and the two of them hit it off.
I came here on the bus, she says, Would you mind giving me a ride home?
So obviously he says yes, and the two of them leave the venue together. When they get to his car, the man goes up and presses his leg against the car door, and the car immediately opens up!
The girl asks, Wow, how did you do that?
What do you mean? the man says, These are my khakis.
A woman placed an ad in a news paper...
'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements. He shouldn't beat me. He shouldn't leave me. He should be great in bed.'
Three days later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.
The man said, "Hi, I'm Tim. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't have legs so I can't leave you. I think I'm the guy."
The lady in an angry voice asked him back, "How the h**... are you supposed to be great in bed then. Didn't you read the third requirement?"
Tim replied, "I rang the doorbell. Didn't I?"
A dying kid makes a wish to meet Dwayne Johnson
Dwayne sits at the side of the hospital bed and asks the kid if he was a fan of wrestling.
The kid says yeah, and that he knows his only weakness.
Dwayne looks puzzled, and asks what it is.
"Come closer" says the kid.
Dwayne leans in, and the kid shows him his open palm. Dwayne looks confused, and the next second the kid slaps him full power across the face.
"Paper beats rock."
A Frog Visits A Fortune Teller
A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love.
The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, "I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"
The frog asks for the good news first.
The fortune teller says, "You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you and will want to know all about you. She will want you to open up for her and you will give her your heart."
That's great!" says the frog. "But what's the bad news?"
Well, you're going to meet her in Biology class."
A big bar chain opened a bar on Mount Everest.
Naturally a lot of people were really excited to be able to have a few drinks in the highest place in the world.
There was a lot of buzz and excitement about this new bar but when it came to opening day. The opening ceremony was poor, the drinks tasted bad and the service was terrible.
Everyone was bitterly disappointed that the bar did meet their expectations.
A lesson was learnt that day by the owners of the Everest Bar.
Don't set the bar so high.
