Meet Jokes

Following is our collection of confront humor and meetup one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Meet puns for adults, dirty friends jokes or clean encounter gags for kids.

There is an abundance of satisfy jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 67 funniest jokes on meet. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any greet witze you can hear about meet.

The Best jokes about Meet

Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

My wife told me, If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.

Apparently, anything doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

Father: Son, you were adopted.

Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"


Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.

Sperm bank

A man and. woman are chatting in an elevator. "What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100 a tablespoon."

The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.

The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines...

They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.


How about an Indian joke?

A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"

A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"

She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

I think my family is racist...

when I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them, my wife and daughter wouldn't even talk to her!

You meet a man on the Oregon trail...

You meet a man on the Oregon trail that tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him that Terry is a girls' name. Without hesitation Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin Terry.

5 advices to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,

2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,

3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,

4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,

5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

A horse walks into a bar...

"Why the long face?" asks the bartender...
The horse replies, "I can no longer make ends meet based solely on the royalties from Sex in the City."


A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.

Third and most important.

3. He should be great in bed.


One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.

The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't have legs so I can't leave you. I think I'm the guy."

The lady in an angry voice asked him back, "How the hell are you supposed to be great in bed then? Didn't you read the third requirement?"

I think You're mistaken my lady.

Peter replied, "I rang the doorbell. Didn't I?"

I met an Anti-Vaxxer today...

Unfortunately, I couldn't meet his son.

Two retired business men sitting on a beach.

Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.

John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.

Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"

Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.

I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.

The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.

Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...

...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

Two Blondes meet up for coffee...

Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been up to.


"I had sex with two Brazilian guys last night", she said.
"Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other.

A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were appalled by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 200 hours of community service?"

Two blondes meet at a busy chicken market

A: If I can guess how many chickens you have in that bag, can I have one?

B: You can have both

A: Three


*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: "My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter"

T: "No, no, that's 'Sent to meet her'. Okay, try another one. Use 'contagious' in a sentence please"

S: "I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!"

Playing Oregon Trail.

You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him, That's a girl's name! Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin' Terry.

My five-year-old, everyone.

My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen:

 

Step-daughter: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

Me: "Aw why not, sweets?"

Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!"

Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore."

Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore."

 

I had just been out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how hilarious she was with her wit. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a funeral).

When I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left.

I don't want to intimidate her with the competition right away

I think my entire family is racist.

I was dating an Asian woman and eventually brought her to my home to meet my family

My wife and kids didn't even want to talk to me.

Bringing her home to meet mother

I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.

Horrible joke

So a guy is in a bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye flies out. The man catches it and hands it back to the woman. The woman says "thanks" and then offers to buy him a drink.

The woman then offers to drive him home. On the way to his house, the man asks "Are you always this nice to men that you meet?" and she says "No, you just happened to catch my eye"

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

I strip wire for a living

It's not a glamorous job, but at least I can make ends meet

I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women.

There were tons of girls there, just not very many.

Two blondes meet on a village road.

One of the blondes was carrying a large gunny bag over her shoulder.
'Hey there,' hailed second blonde, 'what is in the bag?'
'Chickens,' came the reply.
'If I guess how many, can I have one?'
'You can have both of them.'
'OK.. five?' Said the second blonde.

Two Blondes

Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been upto;

"I had sex with two Brazilian guys last night"

"Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other

Arthur Guinness

The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a bud, the Ceo of Miller gets a Miller, the head of coors orders a coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn, he orders a soda. "Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks. "Nah" Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer,then neither will I.

What's the best part about dating a black girl?

You don't have to meet her father.

A little boy is hit by a bus...

...and things are not looking good. So an old lady leans over and says to the boy:

"Son you got hit pretty bad, I know it's hard to hear the truth but I'm afraid you might meet Jesus soon. Would you like to see a priest?"

To which the little boy replies:

"How can you think about sex in a time like this?"

Father: Son you were adopted

Son: I knew it I want to meet my real parents

Father: We are your real parents your new ones are coming in 20 minutes

Confucious say, "Is good for girl to meet boy in park...

but is better for boy to park meat in girl."

How does a girl greet Bill Cosby on their 2nd date?

"Nice to meet you"

Two families make a bet on who can be more american

Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a years time, which family has become more Americanized.

A Year later they meet again. The first man says,"My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and im on my way to pick up a case of Bud Light.

How about you?"

The second man replies, "Go back to your sand country, towel head"

Grandpa Always told me...

Find a woman who is smart.
Find a woman who is great in bed.
Find a woman who loves you for who you are.
And make sure none of these women ever meet.

I married a beautiful woman - a smart one too.

Hopefully they'll never meet.

A woman and a man standing in an elevator...

The man asks: "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to donate my blood"
"How much do they pay for that" - asks the man
"About $30"
"Wow, all that blood for $30? I'm going to donate sperm now, and the sperm bank is giving me $100". Frustrated, the woman leaves the elevator.
The next day they meets again, and the man says: "Nice to meet you again, where are you heading today?". "Two teh spehm bahnk" - she replies with her mouth full

Hippies.

Had the pleasure to meet a couple of hippies today, and they hooted at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term was 'conjoined twins'.

Five secrets of a perfect Relationship

1. It`s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.
2. It`s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It`s important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie.
4. It`s important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.
5. It`s absolutely important that these four women never meet.

John Snow.

John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself.

-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?


John laughs and continues with his drink.

-Why is this funny?

John responds,

-Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring...

A toast to wives, girlfriends, and lovers.

May they never meet.

Two women named Rachel meet and fall in love.

They decide to get married and go to the baker's to pick out a wedding cake. The baker inquires about their story and appalled, refuses to bake them a wedding cake. They are very upset and accuse the baker of narrow-mindedness and bigotry. "Oh, no, no, no," the baker responds, "I don't have a problem with gay marriage, I just can't support an inter-Rachel marriage!"

Happy Valentine's, everyone!

Black guy and a white girl hook up.

A black guy and a white girl meet at a bar and go back to her house. They start fooling around and he begins taking his pants off. She stops him and says "is it true what they say about black guys"? He says " yes. Yes it is" then stabs her and takes her purse.

My butcher introduced me to his wife the other day...

He brought her out and said,

"meet patty"

On meeting Donald Trump, Kim Jon Un says I will destroy America...

Trump replies, No way, that's my job. I won't have another asian stealing an American job.

I'm Friends with a Really Poor Guy

He's been down on his luck lately, so he told me that he had to become a male prostitute to make ends meet. One day, he walked up to me and said that he made a really good amount of money the night before.

Me: How much did you make?

Him: I made $250.05.

Me: Who on earth gave you 5 cents?

Him: Everyone.

Two engineers meet each other on their way into work

One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it.
"Well," the first one says, "it's the funniest story. A beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down the bike, ripped off her clothes, and said 'Take what you want.'"
"Good choice," said the other engineer, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published.

It was all in vein.

My Dad told me to find a woman that likes to cook, clean, and have sex.

The most important thing though was to make sure that these three women never meet.

My wife gave birth this morning I said to the doctor How long will it be before we can have sex?

He winked at me and said Meet me in the car park in twenty minutes......

After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...

During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

As a 12 year old, online dating is a tough thing

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

Two ladies meet up for coffee...

The first lady asks if she came on the bus. The other replies, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."

(I work in a hospital, a patient told me this.)

Advice from my father

Son, you need a woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman that is great in bed. Most importantly, you must make sure these three women never meet.


Happy Saturday night from Pennsylvania

I was browsing Craigslist the other day, when I came across someone who wanted to learn how to make macaroni.

Being a master macaroni maker myself, I responded to his offer, and we set up a time and place to meet so I could teach him. When we met up, he took one look at me, and he told me that I didn't look like someone who could even make halfway decent macaroni. "Sir", I assured him, "I promise I'm a master of my Kraft."

A depressed frog goes to visit a fortune teller

Hoping for good news he goes to meet with a fortune teller.

The fortune teller closes her eyes, makes some strange sounds, and finally says, "You will meet a beautiful young girl that will want to know everything about you"

The frog gets excited and says, "Wow! When will I meet her? At a party?"

"No," replied the fortune teller, "in her biology class."

Book of Dad Jokes [X-Post with DadJokes]

A father and his son are having drinks at a bar to celebrate the birth of the son's first child.

The dad hands his son a thick, leather bound book and says, "son, this book is a collection of the world's greatest dad jokes. Now that you're a father, it's time that I passed it on to you."

The son gets a little teary and says, "oh, Dad, I'm touched." The father responds, "Nice to meet you Touched, I'm Dad."

You think you are introverted?

Wait until you never meet me.

I don't know why men go to bars to meet women...

They should be going to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they're already looking for things they don't need.

Two small boys meet on the first day of school

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

I think my family is racist

I brought my black girlfriend home to meet them and now my wife and kids won't speak to me.

My friends suggested I use tinder to meet some cute firemen or policemen

Once it started to burn, I met so many! I even met a reporter and some lawyers!

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin meet with guests at the White House

One of the guests asks: Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin? – We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' – Trump: We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist... The guest looks a bit confused: Why a dentist? - Putin claps Trump on the back and says, What did I tell you, Donald? No one will ask about the Muslims.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes