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Meet Jokes

168 meet jokes and hilarious meet puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about meet that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Explore different types of 'meets' and laugh out loud with these jokes! From track meets to Google meets, swim meets, swap meets, and car meets, this article has something to entertain everyone. See how nice it can be to confront a joke, and don't forget to share your favorites!

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Funniest Meet Short Jokes

Short meet jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The meet humour may include short visit jokes also.

  1. Where do little jokes come from? Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
  2. Apparently my family is racist I had them meet my new black girlfriend and they all started screaming at us. Especially my wife.
  3. My wife told me, If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new. Apparently, anything doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.
  4. Father: Son, you were adopted. Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
    Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.
  5. Guys, don't install adblock I did, and now the hot singles in my area don't want to meet me any more.
  6. The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup line... They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.
  7. I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family. They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.
    I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.
  8. Son, you're adopted "I Knew it! I want to meet my biological parents."
    "We are your biological parents, your adoptive parents will come for you tomorrow."
  9. Hipsters I had the joy of meeting a couple of hipsters today, and they yelled at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term is "conjoined twins".
  10. In a safety meeting at work they asked me what steps I'd take in a fire Apparently "Really big and fast ones" was the wrong answer.

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Meet One Liners

Which meet one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with meet? I can suggest the ones about mate and encounter.

  1. I met an Anti-Vaxxer today... Unfortunately, I couldn't meet his son.
  2. The reason why I only date black girls is because I don't like meeting dads.
  3. What's the best part about dating a black girl? You don't have to meet her father.
  4. How does a girl greet Bill Cosby on their 2nd date? "Nice to meet you"
  5. I used to run a dating service for chickens... But i was struggling to make hens meet.
  6. I married a beautiful woman - a smart one too. Hopefully they'll never meet.
  7. I am a social vegan. I'm avoiding meets.
  8. Aliens don't want to meet us. They've looked at the reviews…
    only 1 star!
  9. President Joe Biden just had a meeting with the Cabinet. Now he's talking with the couch
  10. What company is the best at meeting deadlines? The Make a Wish Foundation
  11. A toast to wives, girlfriends, and lovers. May they never meet.
  12. What do you call a meeting of 72 virgins? A scientific conference
  13. Why aren't Koalas actual bears? They DO NOT meet Koalafications
  14. You think you are introverted? Wait until you never meet me.
  15. Autopsy club meeting Saturday! Its open Mike night.

Ends Meet Jokes

Here is a list of funny ends meet jokes and even better ends meet puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • As a 12 year old, online dating is a tough thing Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
  • So there's this girl named Mary... 1. Mary meets a guy named Joseph
    2. Mary ends up pregnant
    3. ???
    4. Prophet
  • I had to shut down my human centipede program I couldn't make ends meet.
  • As a 10-year-old, I find online dating real tough. Every person I meet ends up in jail!
  • I'm getting paid a lot to shut down zoom calls... Now I'm making ends meet by making meets end!
  • How do you win an argument with your family this Thanksgiving? Click the 'End Meeting' button
  • I found an Onlyfans filled with videos of girls slamming their butts together It's kinda weird, but I think they're just trying to make ends meet
  • Just started a job that requires me to sew two people's anuses together Not a dream job, but it makes ends meet.
  • People always give bridge builders a hard time... They're just trying to make ends meet.
  • Today I learned that Johann Sebastian Bach had to perform at weddings to make ends meet... Turns out he was pretty baroque after all.

Car Meet Jokes

Here is a list of funny car meet jokes and even better car meet puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A man meets his friend.. who has started wearing Earrings. He asks "Since when did you start wearing Earrings?" Friend "Ever since my wife found them in my car!
  • One day you're going to meet the girl of your dreams And she won't want your money
    She won't want your house, or your car
    She won't want you either ;)
  • I'm going to the inaugural meeting of the Dodgem Car Appreciation Society later.

    They're expecting a bumper crowd.
  • Man Meets friend and notices Man Meets Friend & Notices He's wearing lipstick. When Did U Start Wearing Lipstick? Friend- Ever Since My Wife Found It In My Car.
  • Where do most Mustangs get into car accidents at? Leaving Mustang meets.
  • 1998: Don't get in the car with strangers.
    2008: Don't meet people from the internet.
    2018: Order yourself a stranger to get in the car with from the internet. (Uber)
  • Law of employment:
    When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
    When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
  • Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have s**...?" He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
  • My wife gave birth this morning I said to the doctor How long will it be before we can have s**...? He winked at me and said Meet me in the car park in twenty minutes......
Meet joke, My wife gave birth this morning I said to the doctor How long will it be before we can have s**...?

Track Meet Jokes

Here is a list of funny track meet jokes and even better track meet puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • If you take acid at a track meet... is it a field trip?
  • If Mustangs meet on the streets, and Ferrari's meet in the track, where do Jeeps meet? The repair shop.
  • What does Roy Moore call a high school track meet? Speed dating
  • The vegan track championships were cancelled No meet.
  • BOSS: This team isn't performing, hire someone with a good track record... [2 wks later]
    ME: I'd like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
  • I'm not racist, but... I absolutely refuse to run the 400 at todays track meet.
  • What do you call a gathering of heroine users? A track meet.
  • What do you call a track meet full of blond people? The a**... Race.

Swim Meet Jokes

Here is a list of funny swim meet jokes and even better swim meet puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I asked my coach if he thought I'd win today's swim meet. He told me, don't hold your breath, kid.
    So I drowned.
  • Blonde Swimmer In a swim-meet, after the blonde came in last place competing in the breast-s**..., she complained to the judges that all the other girls were using their arms.

Google Meet Jokes

Here is a list of funny google meet jokes and even better google meet puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Which social media platform vegans hate the most? Google meet
Meet joke, Which social media platform vegans hate the most?

Share Hilarious Meet Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter

What funny jokes about meet you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean miss jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make meet pranks.

My butcher introduced me to his wife the other day...

He brought her out and said,
"meet patty"

Two blondes meet in college..

one asks the other: "What year are you in?" "Well...2012. you ?"
*Edit. The title could be a joke on its own.

Playing Oregon Trail.

You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him, That's a girl's name! Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin' Terry.

Two small boys meet on the first day of school

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

Two ladies meet up for coffee...

The first lady asks if she came on the bus. The other replies, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."
(I work in a hospital, a patient told me this.)

Five secrets of a perfect Relationship

1. It`s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.
2. It`s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It`s important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie.
4. It`s important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.
5. It`s absolutely important that these four women never meet.

Advice from my father

Son, you need a woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman that is great in bed. Most importantly, you must make sure these three women never meet.
Happy Saturday night from Pennsylvania

Book of Dad Jokes [X-Post with DadJokes]

A father and his son are having drinks at a bar to celebrate the birth of the son's first child.
The dad hands his son a thick, leather bound book and says, "son, this book is a collection of the world's greatest dad jokes. Now that you're a father, it's time that I passed it on to you."
The son gets a little teary and says, "oh, Dad, I'm touched." The father responds, "Nice to meet you Touched, I'm Dad."

Grandpa Always told me...

Find a woman who is smart.
Find a woman who is great in bed.
Find a woman who loves you for who you are.
And make sure none of these women ever meet.

Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...

...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

Two Blondes

Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been upto;
"I had s**... with two Brazilian guys last night"
"Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other

John Snow.

John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself.
-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?
John laughs and continues with his drink.
-Why is this funny?
John responds,
-Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring...

Black guy and a white girl hook up.

A black guy and a white girl meet at a bar and go back to her house. They start fooling around and he begins taking his pants off. She stops him and says "is it true what they say about black guys"? He says " yes. Yes it is" then stabs her and takes her purse.

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: "My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter"
T: "No, no, that's 'Sent to meet her'. Okay, try another one. Use 'contagious' in a sentence please"
S: "I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!"

A depressed frog goes to visit a fortune teller

Hoping for good news he goes to meet with a fortune teller.
The fortune teller closes her eyes, makes some strange sounds, and finally says, "You will meet a beautiful young girl that will want to know everything about you"
The frog gets excited and says, "Wow! When will I meet her? At a party?"
"No," replied the fortune teller, "in her biology class."

I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women.

There were tons of girls there, just not very many.

5 advices to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,
2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,
3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,
4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,
5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

Parallel lines have got so much in common.

It's a shame they'll never get to meet.

I'm Friends with a Really Poor Guy

He's been down on his luck lately, so he told me that he had to become a male p**... to make ends meet. One day, he walked up to me and said that he made a really good amount of money the night before.
Me: How much did you make?
Him: I made $250.05.
Me: Who on earth gave you 5 cents?
Him: Everyone.

Two engineers meet each other on their way into work

One of them has a new bike, and the other one asks where he got it.
"Well," the first one says, "it's the funniest story. A beautiful woman rode up to me, threw down the bike, ripped off her clothes, and said 'Take what you want.'"
"Good choice," said the other engineer, "the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

Husband talks to a rabbi.

A husband goes to talk to a rabbi about how his wife is trying to make him consume poison. The rabbi shows concern and tells the husband, "don't worry I'll talk to her". The next day the husband and the rabbi meet together, and the rabbi informs the husband of the meeting with his wife. "I saw your wife - I talked to her for 3 hours! Take the poison!"

Contrary to popular belief, in Engineering, you do meet tons of women...

Just not very many

Two parallel lines match on tinder

But they never meet!

Two Blondes meet up for coffee...

Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been up to.
"I had s**... with two Brazilian guys last night", she said.
"Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other.

I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published.

It was all in vein.

Best Way To Impress a Girl..

Boy To Gym Coach: "I Wanna Impress Cute Girl, I'm Gonna Meet In 3 Days Which Machine Should I Use?" Coach: "Use The ATM Machine Outside The Gym"

A horse walks into a bar...

"Why the long face?" asks the bartender...
The horse replies, "I can no longer make ends meet based solely on the royalties from s**... in the City."

A little boy is hit by a bus...

...and things are not looking good. So an old lady leans over and says to the boy:
"Son you got hit pretty bad, I know it's hard to hear the truth but I'm afraid you might meet Jesus soon. Would you like to see a priest?"
To which the little boy replies:
"How can you think about s**... in a time like this?"

Two blondes meet at a busy chicken market

A: If I can guess how many chickens you have in that bag, can I have one?
B: You can have both
A: Three

Arthur Guinness

The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a bud, the Ceo of Miller gets a Miller, the head of coors orders a coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn, he orders a soda. "Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks. "Nah" Guinness replies. If you guys aren't having a beer,then neither will I.

A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

Hippies.

Had the pleasure to meet a couple of hippies today, and they hooted at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term was 'conjoined twins'.

Two women named Rachel meet and fall in love.

They decide to get married and go to the baker's to pick out a wedding cake. The baker inquires about their story and appalled, refuses to bake them a wedding cake. They are very upset and accuse the baker of narrow-mindedness and bigotry. "Oh, no, no, no," the baker responds, "I don't have a problem with gay marriage, I just can't support an inter-Rachel marriage!"
Happy Valentine's, everyone!

I s**... wire for a living

It's not a glamorous job, but at least I can make ends meet

After dating for 2 months, she started saying she wanted to meet my parents,

Baby chill I waited for 9 months before I met my own parents

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin meet with guests at the White House

One of the guests asks: Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin? – We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' – Trump: We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist... The guest looks a bit confused: Why a dentist? - Putin claps Trump on the back and says, What did I tell you, Donald? No one will ask about the Muslims.

Confucious say, "Is good for girl to meet boy in park...

but is better for boy to park meat in girl."

Two retired business men sitting on a beach.

Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.
John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.
Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"

You meet a man on the Oregon trail...

You meet a man on the Oregon trail that tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him that Terry is a girls' name. Without hesitation Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin Terry.

How did the hamburger introduce his daughter?

Meet Patty.

Two blondes meet on a village road.

One of the blondes was carrying a large gunny bag over her shoulder.
'Hey there,' hailed second blonde, 'what is in the bag?'
'Chickens,' came the reply.
'If I guess how many, can I have one?'
'You can have both of them.'
'OK.. five?' Said the second blonde.

I don't know why men go to bars to meet women...

They should be going to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they're already looking for things they don't need.

Horrible joke

So a guy is in a bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye flies out. The man catches it and hands it back to the woman. The woman says "thanks" and then offers to buy him a drink.
The woman then offers to drive him home. On the way to his house, the man asks "Are you always this nice to men that you meet?" and she says "No, you just happened to catch my eye"

When I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left.

I don't want to intimidate her with the competition right away

A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were appalled by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 200 hours of community service?"

I hope I never meet Frank

Every time someone tries to be Frank with me they tell me something I don't want to hear. He must be pretty unpleasant.

Bringing her home to meet mother

I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.

My wife told me to grow up and stop believing everything I see on the internet

But I don't need this. There are local singles in my area literally dying to meet me.

I was browsing Craigslist the other day, when I came across someone who wanted to learn how to make macaroni.

Being a master macaroni maker myself, I responded to his offer, and we set up a time and place to meet so I could teach him. When we met up, he took one look at me, and he told me that I didn't look like someone who could even make halfway decent macaroni. "Sir", I assured him, "I promise I'm a master of my Kraft."

Son, you are adopted.

Son: What?! I knew it! Where are my real parents, I want to meet my real parents!
Dad: Oh, no no. We are your real parents! The new ones will arrive in 20 minutes.

How about an Indian joke?

A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"
A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"
She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

A frog

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline. His personal psychic advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his advisor, "In her biology class."

Two families make a bet on who can be more american

Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a years time, which family has become more Americanized.
A Year later they meet again. The first man says,"My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and im on my way to pick up a case of Bud Light.
How about you?"
The second man replies, "Go back to your sand country, t**..."

On meeting Donald Trump, Kim Jon Un says I will destroy America...

Trump replies, No way, that's my job. I won't have another asian stealing an American job.

My friends suggested I use tinder to meet some cute firemen or policemen

Once it started to burn, I met so many! I even met a reporter and some lawyers!

My Dad told me to find a woman that likes to cook, clean, and have s**....

The most important thing though was to make sure that these three women never meet.

A man and a woman are chatting in an elevator.

"What are you up to today?" he asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate s**..., and the s**... bank pays $100 a tablespoon."
The woman gets a strange look on her face and gets off the elevator.
The next day, they meet in the elevator again.
The man asks, "So, where you off to today?"
"Fmerm mank," she says, with her mouth full.

My five-year-old, everyone.

My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen:
 
Step-daughter: "I'm hungry."
Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."
Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"
Me: "Aw why not, sweets?"
Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!"
Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore."
Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore."
 
I had just been out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how hilarious she was with her wit. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a f**...).

If you meet a woman, start talking about global warming.

It's a real icebreaker.

Father: Son you were adopted

Son: I knew it I want to meet my real parents
Father: We are your real parents your new ones are coming in 20 minutes

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have s**...?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."

Three Surgeons meet in a bar...

Three Surgeons meet in a bar and talk about their work. The first one says "I sew 2 fingers that were cut off back on a guys hand, and I did it so well that he still became a famous pianist". The second one says "Thats nothing, I sew a guys legs back to his torso and did it so well that he still was able to win gold in the olympics". The third one says "a cowboy and his horse were hit by a train and the only thing i had left to work with was the guys a**... and the horses blond mane. I did my best and the guy became president of the USA".

After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...

During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the s**... play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

Why do guys go to bars to meet women?

Go to target instead. The female to male ratio is 10-1 and they're already looking for things they don't need.

A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.

1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.
Third and most important.
3. He should be great in bed.
One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.
The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't have legs so I can't leave you. I think I'm the guy."
The lady in an angry voice asked him back, "How the h**... are you supposed to be great in bed then? Didn't you read the third requirement?"
I think You're mistaken my lady.
Peter replied, "I rang the doorbell. Didn't I?"

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.

His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"
"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"
A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"
The kid ignores him.
"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"
The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."
"Call of Duty, right? I told you I'd bang your mom."

My girlfriend invited me to meet her parents.

Before we went over, she let me know that her father, Dale, was in a car accident and had his legs amputated at the hips. Apparently, it was a sensitive issue, and I was not to mention it.
When we arrived, her dad greeted us at the door. Not seeing his wife anywhere, I said to him, Dale, it's great to meet you. Is your other half in the kitchen?

Here's a classic jewish joke.

A mother brings her son two new ties as a birthday gift for her adult son. Later, in the evening the two meet for dinner and the son is wearing one of the ties. His mother takes one look at him and says, You didn't like the other tie?

I asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.

I guess we aren't going to work out.

I had a butcher come into my shop and introduce me to his wife...

He said, "Meet Patty".

Meet joke, I had a butcher come into my shop and introduce me to his wife...

jokes about meet