Meet Jokes
162 meet jokes and hilarious meet puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about meet that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Explore different types of 'meets' and laugh out loud with these jokes! From track meets to Google meets, swim meets, swap meets, and car meets, this article has something to entertain everyone. See how nice it can be to confront a joke, and don't forget to share your favorites!
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Funniest Meet Short Jokes
Short meet jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The meet humour may include short visit jokes also.
- Where do little jokes come from? Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
- My wife told me, If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new. Apparently, anything doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.
- Father: Son, you were adopted. Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes. - Guys, don't install adblock I did, and now the hot singles in my area don't want to meet me any more.
- I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family. They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.
I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment. - In a safety meeting at work they asked me what steps I'd take in a fire Apparently "Really big and fast ones" was the wrong answer.
- I went to my first Fight Club meeting last night Unfortunately I arrived 10 minutes late so I missed the introductions but I must say I had a fantastic time I'd recommend it to everyone.
- A man goes to a halloween party dressed up as a chicken and he meets a girl dressed up as an egg. The answer is the chicken.
- fight club I went to my first fight club meeting last night, i showed up late so i missed the first few rules but it was awesome i love fight club cant wait for the next meeting
- A man meets an attractive woman in a bar and tells her, You know, I'm a lawyer. Honest? the woman asks.
No, no. Just the regular kind, he replied.
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Meet One Liners
Which meet one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with meet? I can suggest the ones about mate and encounter.
- I met an Anti-Vaxxer today... Unfortunately, I couldn't meet his son.
- The reason why I only date black girls is because I don't like meeting dads.
- How does a girl greet Bill Cosby on their 2nd date? "Nice to meet you"
- I used to run a dating service for chickens... But i was struggling to make hens meet.
- I married a beautiful woman - a smart one too. Hopefully they'll never meet.
- I am a social vegan. I'm avoiding meets.
- What company is the best at meeting deadlines? The Make a Wish Foundation
- A toast to wives, girlfriends, and lovers. May they never meet.
- What do you call a meeting of 72 virgins? A scientific conference
- Why aren't Koalas actual bears? They DO NOT meet Koalafications
- You think you are introverted? Wait until you never meet me.
- What do you call a gay business meeting? A mandate :3
- Parallel lines have got so much in common. It's a shame they'll never get to meet.
- Told my co-workers this joke about mandatory meetings. You really had to be there.
- I told a joke over my zoom meeting It wasn't even remotely funny
Ends Meet Jokes
Here is a list of funny ends meet jokes and even better ends meet puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- As a 12 year old, online dating is a tough thing Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
- So there's this girl named Mary... 1. Mary meets a guy named Joseph
2. Mary ends up pregnant
3. ???
4. Prophet - I had to shut down my human centipede program I couldn't make ends meet.
- As a 10-year-old, I find online dating real tough. Every person I meet ends up in jail!
- I'm getting paid a lot to shut down Zoom calls... Now I'm making ends meet by making meets end!
- How do you win an argument with your family this Thanksgiving? Click the 'End Meeting' button
- People always give bridge builders a hard time... They're just trying to make ends meet.
- Today I learned that Johann Sebastian Bach had to perform at weddings to make ends meet... Turns out he was pretty baroque after all.
- Movie idea There should be a hostage movie where instead of holding up a bank or skyscraper, the bad guy is a coworker who keeps asking questions at the end of a meeting.
- There was a terrible mix up at the Make a Wish foundation The band members of the Cure ending up meeting about 100 kids in one week
Car Meet Jokes
Here is a list of funny car meet jokes and even better car meet puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man meets his friend.. who has started wearing Earrings. He asks "Since when did you start wearing Earrings?" Friend "Ever since my wife found them in my car!
- One day you're going to meet the girl of your dreams And she won't want your money
She won't want your house, or your car
She won't want you either ;) - I'm going to the inaugural meeting of the Dodgem Car Appreciation Society later.
They're expecting a bumper crowd. - Man Meets friend and notices Man Meets Friend & Notices He's wearing lipstick. When Did U Start Wearing Lipstick? Friend- Ever Since My Wife Found It In My Car.
- Where do most Mustangs get into car accidents at? Leaving Mustang meets.
- Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
Track Meet Jokes
Here is a list of funny track meet jokes and even better track meet puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If you take acid at a track meet... is it a field trip?
- If Mustangs meet on the streets, and Ferrari's meet in the track, where do Jeeps meet? The repair shop.
- What does Roy Moore call a high school track meet? Speed dating
- The vegan track championships were cancelled No meet.
- BOSS: This team isn't performing, hire someone with a good track record... [2 wks later]
ME: I'd like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt - I'm not racist, but... I absolutely refuse to run the 400 at todays track meet.
- What do you call a gathering of heroine users? A track meet.
Google Meet Jokes
Here is a list of funny google meet jokes and even better google meet puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Which social media platform vegans hate the most? Google meet
Share Hilarious Meet Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about meet you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean miss jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make meet pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have s**...?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars...
America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars as the country watched with pride. Iran, wanting to gain a technological/global edge, decided to show up America by announcing a manned mission to the sun the very next day. The Americans, along with other western allies, decided to meet with the Iranian government to express their concern. In a conference room filled with diplomats and astrophysicists, the US delegation protested to the Iranians, Listen. Differences aside, we can't let you send people to the sun. It's s**.... They burn to death even at far distances! Please don't carry out this mission! The Iranians laughed wittily amongst themselves, jabbing each other with elbows and pointing at the westerners as one Iranian says, s**... Americans! They think we're going during the daytime!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three ladies meet up for a drink
Three ladies meet up for a drink once a week.
The first lady says: "The other night, when my boyfriend got in from work, I surprised him. I was standing in the hallway, wearing these tall leather boots, a corset, long black silk gloves, and lots of makeup. I looked him in the eye and said 'Hello there, big boy.' He grabbed me, flung me to the floor and we made love right there and then and it was AMAZING."
Next week they meet up again.
The second lady says to the first one: "I took a tip from you. The other night my fiance came home from work, and I was standing in the bedroom wearing high heels, a tiny skirt, a see-through top and heavy makeup. I said 'Hello there. Big Boy.' and he flung me on the bed and it was unbelievable! He was like a wild animal!"
The third lady, married for ten years and seeing things get a bit stale in the bedroom, decides she needs a piece of the action.
She dresses up in thigh high leather boots, a tiny black skirt, a cleavage-tastic corset, long black gloves and she puts on the sluttiest makeup job in the history of s**... makeup jobs. She waits in the kitchen, thinking that when hubby gets home he may do something really sordid like make love to her right there on the kitchen table.
Sure enough, he comes home and walks into the kitchen.
She looks him in the eye and says: "Hello there. Big Boy."
He looks back at her and says: "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"
My butcher introduced me to his wife the other day...
He brought her out and said,
"meet patty"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
First Impressions
A young teenage couple have been dating for a little while, so the girl says to the boy that she wants him to meet her parents. He is a little skeptical at this, but she tells him that if he can make a good impression with them that she will reward him with s**....
Extremely excited at the prospect of losing his virginity, the boy rushes to the local pharmacy to get some protection. However, he is a little embarrassed and unsure of himself. The pharmacist at the counter notices this and walks over to see if he can help. "First time?" the pharmacist guesses. The boy nods sheepishly. So the pharmacist gives him the basics on picking condoms. The boy thanks him, buys some, and leaves.
Finally, the big night arrives and the boy arrives at the girl's house. As the couple and the girl's parents sit down for dinner, they all bow their heads to say grace over the meal. Afterwards, they all look up to start eating, except for the boy, who still has his head bowed in prayer. Respectfully, the girl and her parents sit quietly as he continues praying to himself. After about 5 minutes pass, the girl leans over and whispers to him, "I never knew you were so religious!" He looks up at her and whispers back, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist!"
Two blondes meet in college..
one asks the other: "What year are you in?" "Well...2012. you ?"
*Edit. The title could be a joke on its own.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke for the cerebral...What do you call it when a bunch of crows agree to meet later?
Premeditated m**....
Playing Oregon Trail.
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him, That's a girl's name! Terry shoots you. You have died of dissin' Terry.
The 4 rules of marriage.
A father was explaining to his son the secrets of marriage,
"Son you there are only a few things you need in a marriage:
A woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman who can satisfy you in the bedroom, and lastly you need to make sure none of these women ever meet."
Lipstick Girls
A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2pm. They gathered at 2pm and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.
That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror.
Two small boys meet on the first day of school
"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
Two ladies meet up for coffee...
The first lady asks if she came on the bus. The other replies, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."
(I work in a hospital, a patient told me this.)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man doesn't feel well...
So he and his wife go to the doctors office. When they meet with the doctor he says "We need to do a full workup and run some tests. I'm going to need a u**... sample, a stool sample and a s**... sample". The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and says "eh?". His wife just rolls her eyes and says "Frank, just give him your underwear!"
Since we seem to be doing talking dog jokes today...
A man walks into a talent agency, carrying a small, scruffy looking dog. He sets the dog on the agent's desk and begins his speech:
"Sir, I have for you the most amazing act. This dog can speak. And not only can he speak, he's one of the most intelligent dogs you'll ever meet. Allow me to demonstrate: Dog, what is on the top of a house?"
"Roof!" Says the dog.
"Amazing! Dog: what is the opposite of smooth?"
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"Incredible! Dog: who was the greatest ballplayer of all time?"
Again, the dog says "Roof!"
"Remarkable! So what do you think?"
The agent leans back in his chair and says "Get lost. I can't sell that carny act."
Outside the agent's office, the dog looks up at the man and says "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"
An Asian woman brings her large Irish boyfriend to meet her traditional parents
Her mother says:
"You bring great Shamus to this family."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.
(TKZS = a state-run c**... collective farm.)
A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks."
The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?"
„Cuz I can talk to animals. Don't believe me? Let's walk around the farm.
They reach the cow, she says "Moo!" and boss asks cockily "What'd she say?"
„She said she gives 30 litres of milk daily. She also says you and the mayor split 10 litres between you and book only 20. The boss looks a bit worried now and says „Come with me, I wanna show you the pigsty. They get there, the sow says „Oink! and boss waits for our guy's answer.
„Piggy says she gave birth to 6 piglets, but you and the mayor got one each, and booked only 4.
TKZS boss sizes up our guy and then says „Welcome aboard, let's go sign the papers.
They make their way to the office building and while they pass the goat, the goat goes „Meeh!
Boss says „Don't listen to her. Me and the mayor were a bit drunk.
Five secrets of a perfect Relationship
1. It`s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks, cleans and has a job.
2. It`s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It`s important to have a woman you can trust and who would never lie.
4. It`s important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.
5. It`s absolutely important that these four women never meet.
Two women meet in heaven...
There's these two women meeting for the first time in heaven who's names are Carol and Lydia. Carol leans over and asks Lydia what the cause of her death was. Lydia says, "Well I froze to death. How did you die?" To which Carol replies "I died of a massive heart attack." Very concerned, Lydia asks "What caused the heart attack?" Carol starts then explaining on how she thought her husband was cheating on her. And how she had come home early to catch him in the act but, to her surprise, only found her husband sitting in the den reading a book. But convinced there was another women in the house, she frantically started destroying the house looking for the other women until she was so exhausted that her heart just stopped working. Amazed at the story, Lydia looks at Carol and says, "If you would have looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Advice from my father
Son, you need a woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman that is great in bed. Most importantly, you must make sure these three women never meet.
Happy Saturday night from Pennsylvania
Grandpa Always told me...
Find a woman who is smart.
Find a woman who is great in bed.
Find a woman who loves you for who you are.
And make sure none of these women ever meet.
Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...
...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"
Why was the meeting for impotent men cancelled?
They knew no one would come.
He was the best human cannonball the circus ever had.
You seldom meet a man of his caliber.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is veganism like being a registered s**... offender?
You have to inform everyone when you first meet them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The f**...
One day a man dies and in his will, he leaves $300,000 to his stock broker, financial adviser and his lawyer, each one receiving $100,000. In the will he also states that he wants all 3 of them to to leave half of the money they received ($50,000) in his coffin after the f**....
The day of the f**... comes and each man approaches the coffin to do what was asked of them and once they're all done, they meet up at the bar.
After a few drinks, the stock broker speaks up "I gotta be honest with you guys. I only left $10,000 in the coffin. But I mean, it's not like he'll be able to spend it, right?"
To which the financial adviser admits "Hey, don't feel bad. I only left $5,000 in the coffin. I mean, is he really expecting us to throw away that much money?"
At which point the lawyer speaks up and says in a disapproving tone "I can't believe you guys would be so greedy! I'll have you know I left a check for the full $50,000 in his coffin like he asked!"
John Snow.
John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself.
-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?
John laughs and continues with his drink.
-Why is this funny?
John responds,
-Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Black guy and a white girl hook up.
A black guy and a white girl meet at a bar and go back to her house. They start fooling around and he begins taking his pants off. She stops him and says "is it true what they say about black guys"? He says " yes. Yes it is" then stabs her and takes her purse.
*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"
S: "My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter"
T: "No, no, that's 'Sent to meet her'. Okay, try another one. Use 'contagious' in a sentence please"
S: "I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!"
A depressed frog goes to visit a fortune teller
Hoping for good news he goes to meet with a fortune teller.
The fortune teller closes her eyes, makes some strange sounds, and finally says, "You will meet a beautiful young girl that will want to know everything about you"
The frog gets excited and says, "Wow! When will I meet her? At a party?"
"No," replied the fortune teller, "in her biology class."
I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women.
There were tons of girls there, just not very many.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
5 advices to men for a happy life
1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,
2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,
3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,
4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,
5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.
An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired...
An Emergency Call Centre operator has been fired in Bradford
It seems that a caller dialed 999 from a mobile phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet my maker."
To which the call centre employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm Friends with a Really Poor Guy
He's been down on his luck lately, so he told me that he had to become a male p**... to make ends meet. One day, he walked up to me and said that he made a really good amount of money the night before.
Me: How much did you make?
Him: I made $250.05.
Me: Who on earth gave you 5 cents?
Him: Everyone.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Husband talks to a rabbi.
A husband goes to talk to a rabbi about how his wife is trying to make him consume poison. The rabbi shows concern and tells the husband, "don't worry I'll talk to her". The next day the husband and the rabbi meet together, and the rabbi informs the husband of the meeting with his wife. "I saw your wife - I talked to her for 3 hours! Take the poison!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old friends meet in bar...
[translated from Turkish]
-Hey Jack! How have you been! It's been months!
-Bonjour Monsieur ! Indeed, it's been a while
-"Bonjour Monsieur"? What's this French?
-Mais biensur !
-Don't screw with me Jack. I know you don't know French. We both went to the same school and we never had any French lessons!!
-No, no! I'm learning via the radio. 99.3 FM. Every day at 10AM you have French lessons. Very easy, I suggest you try.
-Oh, ok, cool I'll give a try tomorrow.
Next morning he calls Jack:
-Yo Jack, I have those old radios with a needle for tuning. Does it work with those old radios too?
-Sure! Scroll to 99, then go a little further to the right.
-Oh cool! Thx!
-Mais de rien !
-oh! s**... already...
Couple of weeks later, he meets Jack again. And Jack asks:
-Salut mon ami, How is your French?
- Shhhszzzzoussssshzzziuhli! (static noise)
[probably not the best written joke :/]
Contrary to popular belief, in Engineering, you do meet tons of women...
Just not very many
A jewish woman gets up mid-flight and shouts, "Is there a doctor in the house?"
A nice man stands up from his seat and says, "I am! What's the problem?"
Woman replies, "Do you want to meet my daughter?"
Two parallel lines match on tinder
But they never meet!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does someone with a f**... wish for?
To meet their solemate.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Blondes meet up for coffee...
Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been up to.
"I had s**... with two Brazilian guys last night", she said.
"Wow - I've never even met that many guys" replied the other.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Billy was sleeping in his room
Billy was sleeping in his room when suddenly a flash of light appeared. A man was then standing in Billy's room. Billy was amazed.
Billy asked ''Who are you?''
The man responded with "I'm you from the future"
Billy was amazed to be able to meet his future self.
He asked his older self "What will I be when I grow up?"
The older Billy locked the door and said "A p**..."
If you ever meet a girl named stone...
Don't take her for granite
I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published.
It was all in vein.
Best Way To Impress a Girl..
Boy To Gym Coach: "I Wanna Impress Cute Girl, I'm Gonna Meet In 3 Days Which Machine Should I Use?" Coach: "Use The ATM Machine Outside The Gym"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little boy is hit by a bus...
...and things are not looking good. So an old lady leans over and says to the boy:
"Son you got hit pretty bad, I know it's hard to hear the truth but I'm afraid you might meet Jesus soon. Would you like to see a priest?"
To which the little boy replies:
"How can you think about s**... in a time like this?"
Two blondes meet at a busy chicken market
A: If I can guess how many chickens you have in that bag, can I have one?
B: You can have both
A: Three
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two guys meet up at a high school reunion
They start talking about people from their past.
"Hey, remember that flat chested girl Sam?"
"Oh yea, how she doing?"
"I just saw her like 15 minutes ago and now she's like this" - He holds his hands in front of his chest, fingers curled in.
"Oh, she got breast e**...?"
"No, she's got severe arthritis"
A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"
The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"
"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.
"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."
I go to a muscular dystrophy support group.
We meet weakly.
Two women named Rachel meet and fall in love.
They decide to get married and go to the baker's to pick out a wedding cake. The baker inquires about their story and appalled, refuses to bake them a wedding cake. They are very upset and accuse the baker of narrow-mindedness and bigotry. "Oh, no, no, no," the baker responds, "I don't have a problem with gay marriage, I just can't support an inter-Rachel marriage!"
Happy Valentine's, everyone!
When I went to Heavan...
I meet with Paul the Saint. He points to a bunch of clocks behind him
Paul: These are clocks that measure how honest you are. Yours is at 12:45, meaning you have lied 45 times in your lifetime
Me: Whose that clock at 12:00 belongs to?
Paul: That's Mother Teresa's. She has been a perfect person and has never lied
Me: Then whose that one at 11:59? Is he even better than Mother Teresa?
Paul: No. That one belongs to Bill Clinton. He lied so much during his presidency, the clock almost resets to 12:00
Me: I wonder, where's Donald Trump's clock?
Paul: Trump? Its in my office. I am using it as a desk fan
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I s**... wire for a living
It's not a glamorous job, but at least I can make ends meet
After dating for 2 months, she started saying she wanted to meet my parents,
Baby chill I waited for 9 months before I met my own parents
Confucious say, "Is good for girl to meet boy in park...
but is better for boy to park meat in girl."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jewish guy walking through Chinatown notices a jewelry shop with has a big sign that says - Abe Goldberg jewelry.
He walks in and asks to meet Abe Goldberg. A Chinese man comes out from the back and says - herro, I Abe Golber.
The Jewish guy says, you're Abe Goldberg??? How did you get that name?
The Chinese man tells how when he was at Ellis Island, the guy in line before him was Abe Goldberg. When the immigration officer asked for his name he said - **Sam Ting**
How does Ronald McDonald introduce his wife?
Meet Patty.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines...
They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.
Two retired business men sitting on a beach.
Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.
John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.
Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"
How did the hamburger introduce his daughter?
Meet Patty.
Horrible joke
So a guy is in a bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye flies out. The man catches it and hands it back to the woman. The woman says "thanks" and then offers to buy him a drink.
The woman then offers to drive him home. On the way to his house, the man asks "Are you always this nice to men that you meet?" and she says "No, you just happened to catch my eye"
When I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left.
I don't want to intimidate her with the competition right away
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ex's meet after a month of divorce
ExHusband: Hey can i still think of you when i have s**... with my girlfriend?
ExWife: Why? Is it because im hotter than her?
ExHusband: Nope, i just wanna last longer.
I hope I never meet Frank
Every time someone tries to be Frank with me they tell me something I don't want to hear. He must be pretty unpleasant.
Bringing her home to meet mother
I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.
My wife told me to grow up and stop believing everything I see on the internet
But I don't need this. There are local singles in my area literally dying to meet me.
I was browsing Craigslist the other day, when I came across someone who wanted to learn how to make macaroni.
Being a master macaroni maker myself, I responded to his offer, and we set up a time and place to meet so I could teach him. When we met up, he took one look at me, and he told me that I didn't look like someone who could even make halfway decent macaroni. "Sir", I assured him, "I promise I'm a master of my Kraft."
How about an Indian joke?
A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"
A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"
She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two families make a bet on who can be more american
Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a years time, which family has become more Americanized.
A Year later they meet again. The first man says,"My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and im on my way to pick up a case of Bud Light.
How about you?"
The second man replies, "Go back to your sand country, t**..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
On meeting Donald Trump, Kim Jon Un says I will destroy America...
Trump replies, No way, that's my job. I won't have another asian stealing an American job.
My friends suggested I use tinder to meet some cute firemen or policemen
Once it started to burn, I met so many! I even met a reporter and some lawyers!
me "Please to meet you, I am from East Detroit"
Other person: "Oh my gawd, have you ever seen someone get shot"
Me: "No I close my eyes when I pull the trigger"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Dad told me to find a woman that likes to cook, clean, and have s**....
The most important thing though was to make sure that these three women never meet.
What's the best place to meet women?
I tried this door marked "Ladies" and they just yelled at me.
