Medicine Jokes
130 medicine jokes and hilarious medicine puns to laugh out loud. Read science jokes about medicine that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
From doctor witticisms to nurse puns, these medicine jokes and puns will have doctors, nurses, and medical students alike cheering. Whether you're looking for medicine name jokes, something to keep you laughing during residency, or want to use these as part of a clever medicine related birthday card, you'll find something funny here. Get a remedy for whatever ails you with these medicine jokes, cartoons, and medical-themed puns.
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Funniest Medicine Short Jokes
Short medicine jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The medicine humour may include short medical jokes also.
- Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction, and name it ElonGates.
- I have a joke about the exceptional healthcare and medicine Trump took to recover from COVID. But, no one else would get it.
- Whomever said laughter is the best medicine... clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.
- Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.
- I still remember my Grandfather's last ever joke... He said to me, before he passed- 'Quick! Get my medicine!'
But, I didn't get it :/ - There are 3 farmers, let's call them A, B and C. Which one is the best with medicine? Farmer C
- Chiron was not only half man, half horse, but he was also a doctor of medicine. This makes him the centaur for disease control.
- Why is it that there's no pharmacies in Africa? Because you shouldn't take medicine on an empty stomach.
- Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
- My doctor prescribed me medicines for dailysex. But my girlfriend keeps telling me, its for dyslexia.
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Medicine One Liners
Which medicine one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with medicine? I can suggest the ones about health and hospital.
- Why ebola medicine doesn't work in Africa? Because it can't be taken on empty stomach
- If farmer A sells apple's, farmer B sells banana, what does farmer C sell? Medicine
- Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine.
- Why did the tractor sell medicines? Because it was a farm assist!
... I'm sorry... - Where do Cows get their medicine from? The Farmacy.
- What instructions are not needed on Parkinson's Medicine? Shake well before use.
- I got my back adjusted a practitioner of ancient egyptian medicine A Cairo-practor
- (my 6yo) What type of medicine does Dracula take for a cold? Coffin Medicine
- There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market Its called mycoxaflopin
- There's a medicine you can buy that apparently cures scepticism. But I'm not buying it.
- Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets? So they don't wake up the sleeping pills.
- What do you call alternative medicine that works? Medicine.
- Where do you take someone who overdoses on homeopathic medicine? A mental hospital
- If laughter was the best medicine... Your face would cure the world!
- What Do Pastafarians Smoke? Medicinal Marinara.
Medicine Cabinet Jokes
Here is a list of funny medicine cabinet jokes and even better medicine cabinet puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet? Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
- Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? To not wake up the sleeping pills.
- Why did the man tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? Because he didn't want to wake the sleeping pills
- I just found out why they open medicine cabinets very carefully... To not disturb and wake up the sleeping pills...
- The blonde tip-toed near the medicine cabinet so that she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. This is not a joke, ambien serious!
- Why did Silly Billy tip toe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
- why did silly Billy tip toe passed the medicine cabinet? Because he didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.
- Yo mama's so dumb She had to sneak past the medicine cabinet so that she didn't wake up the sleeping pills.
- I was surprised that my skin products kept moving around my medicine cabinet But it turns out it was just brownian lotion.
- I always thought it was weird that my parent's medicine cabinet was also where they stored the alcohol. i fund out later that they were just trying to cure what ales me.
Medicine Name Jokes
Here is a list of funny medicine name jokes and even better medicine name puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Gonorrhea A great name for diarrhea medicine.
- I got frustrated while trying to think of a name for the medicine I invented. After smacking my head against the keyboard five times I had the answer.
- I used to have a job naming medicines, but I quit after a few days. I got sick of smacking my head against a computer keyboard.
- "Prevagen, the name to remember." What was that medicine called again?
Practicing Medicine Jokes
Here is a list of funny practicing medicine jokes and even better practicing medicine puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How did the people of India get so good at medicine? They've got much practice thanks to a lot of Sikh people
- What type of medicine does dr pepper practice? Fizzyology
- Sometimes I put salt and pepper on my head and practice medicine on animals. I guess I'm a seasoned vet.
Medicine Birthday Jokes
Here is a list of funny medicine birthday jokes and even better medicine birthday puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.
Humorous Medicine Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
What funny jokes about medicine you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pill jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make medicine pranks.
The older man and his problems
A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform s**.... He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "When your partner can take no more s**... and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it will then go down. But be warned: The pork swordsman will not rise again for another year."
The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night he showers, shaves, and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into bed,cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks: "What did you say '123' for?"
Russian pharmacy
Doctor: This medicine is from insomnia, this one is from nervous break-down, and also take this one from depression.
Patient: Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides v**...?
BUD LIGHT AND SWEET TEA
A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue. Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husbandcomes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husbandcomes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea andstart swishing it in your mouth but don't s**.... Just keep swishingand swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking freshand reborn. Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husbandcame home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn'ttouch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Cough Medicine
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
Bill works in a machine shop. One day he gets into an accident at work...
He leans in too close to a piece of machinery and chops off his arm. Bob rushes over to help. He puts Bill's arm in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. An hour later Bill comes out with his arm reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill leans in too close again and chops off his leg. Bob puts Bill's leg in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 2 hours later Bill comes out with his leg reattached. "Ah, the miracles of modern medicine," says Bob.
A few weeks later, Bill once again leans in too close and lops off his head. Bob puts Bill's head in a plastic bag and takes him to the hospital. 3 hours go by and finally a doctor emerges from the surgery room. He walks over to Bob and says, "I'm sorry, but your friend didn't make it." Bob is distraught and says, "But the miracles of modern medicine have samed him before. Why couldn't you reattach his head?" The doctor replies, "We would have been able to, but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."
Did you hear about the guy who OD'ed on homeopathic medicine?
He had forgotten to take them.
A duck walks in to an alternative medicine practicioners office. Points a wing at him and says with a frown:
"Quack!"
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine...
Which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
/Jack Handy
A guy walks into a drugstore and sees a guy leaning heavily against the wall
He asks the clerk, 'What's with that guy?'
Clerk says, 'He came in with a bad cough and asked me for cough medicine. We were out of cough medicine, so I gave him a whole bottle of laxative instead.'
The guy says, 'What?! You can't treat a cough with laxative!'
The clerk replies, 'Of course you can! Look at him. He's afraid to cough!'
A Rich man sent a medicine shipment to Somalia
Once it reached the Airport inspection, Customs rejected it and sent it back;
the instructions on the medicines said : after meal
Did you hear about that new lesbian reversal medicine?
It's called Trycoxagin.
They say laughter is the best medicine
Thats why I always make sure to laugh when someone tells me they have cancer.
A Polish man calls 911
And says, "Help! My wife is trying to kill me!"
The operator asks, "How can you be sure?"
The Pole says, "I was looking through her medicine cabinet, and I found Polish Remover!"
A doctor was checking up on his Patient at the psychiatric hospital
Doctor: How are you feeling?
Patient: I keep fantasizing about baboons playing soccer.
Doctor: Ok, I will give you medicine today, you'll stop fantasizing...
Patient: Give me the medicine tomorrow, today it's the finals!
In a farmers market, Farmer A sells pumpkin, Farmer B sells strawberries, what does Farmer C sell?
Medicine
... runs off ...
A friend of mine died last friday, while drinking his martini
It's on that day I learnt an important lesson:
Though laughter is the best medicine, in certain situations the Heimlich maneuver may be more appropriate.
I heard laughter is the best medicine
I heard laughter is the best medicine, so I went to the local hospital, found some cancer patients, and laughed at them.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal m**... should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain.
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.
A Russian doctor is treating his patient.
*"Take this for insomnia... take this for depression... and take this for anxiety."*
*"Thank you Doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides v**...?"*
Unemployment at its best!
An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for work!"
I asked a lawyer what I should do after being injured by cold medicine approved by the FDA. His advice?
Sudafed.
What type of medicine do depressed lesbian take?
Trycoxagain
A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE:
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, s**... this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2017 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
The herb with the most medicinal properties is Thyme...
It heals all wounds.
They say that laughter is the best medicine.
Well, I have diarrhea and it's making it worse.
An old woman drinks whisky for the first time.
She thinks for a while, and then says: Strange, the stuff tastes exactly like the medicine my late husband had to take for twenty years!
Why don't Ethiopians ever take medicine?
The package says, "take in after eating".
True story: when I was a kid I used to mix up lyrics. For example, after watching Mary Poppins, I sang "a spoonful of medicine helps the sugar go down." -My dad thought is was SO funny I mixed that line up.
Little did either of us know, I was predicting my future diabetes problems.
Laughter is the best medicine.
Unless they have cancer. You can laugh at them all day and they still don't get better.
If laughter is the best medicine,
Then, clearly I can't be a doctor.
Headache
Guy gets home from the bar and he wants some s**... time but he finds his wife asleep. So he proceeds to go to the bathroom and makes a lot of noise rummaging the medicine cabinet. The wife wakes up.
Wife: What's with the noise?
Husband: just open up your mouth.
She opens up jet mouth and he proceeds to shoot two pills into her mouth.
Wife: what was that?
Husband: two ibuprofen for your headache.
Wife: but I don't have a headache.
Husband: that's what I wanted to hear
My doctor got sick so I grabbed his medical bag, but he refused to let me treat him
He did not like the taste of his own medicine
Why is there no cure for diabetes?
Because they can't have a spoonful of sugar to make the medicine go down.
You hear about the new medicine doctors are giving l**...?
It's called tricoxagain
Did you hear about the homeopath who forgot to take their medicine?
They died from an overdose.
You know when I was growing up I thought modern medicine would have cured everything.
I still can't believe it's nearly 1993 and they haven't found a cure for alzheimer's.
I have been trying Chinese medicine for depression for about two months now
I think its working. My tears have certainly been repressed.
I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener.
Now her clothes don't fit.
A huge earthquake shook Mexico
Around 3000 people died.
The world combined efforts to help Mexico during these hard times.
England gave medicine.
France sent food.
Germany made huge donations.
USA sent 3000 Mexicans to replenish the stock
A british doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...
...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
My family has always been in medicine. My mom is a psychiatrist and my dad is a gastroenterologist.
They specialize in odds and ends.
I caught the flu in Madrid.
While sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realized I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.
"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"
The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h...how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied:
"Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."
Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"
Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.
British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced
British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut out a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. 4 years ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
One joke I've heard
They say laughter is the best medicine. So, maybe, if we keep laughing at people in wheelchairs...
A joke originally told in Arabic
The doctor asks him what is that dreaming problem.
"Every night I go to sleep," the man says. "I dream of a soccer match between a team of elephants and a team of ants"
"Ok, take this medicine," the doctor says. "It will fix the problem."
The man refuses though and says:
"Can I take it tomorrow though? Today is the finals"
Why did the cat need medicine?
Because it wasn't feline too good.
Sick chihuahua
A man takes his sick Chihuahua to the veterinarian. They're immediately taken back to a room.
Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor
comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.
This must be a mistake, the man says. I've been here only 20 minutes!
No mistake, the doctor says. It's $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.
Being a doctor and a married man with kids, it feels like I'm living two lives.
In one life there's medicine, scarring images and long, painful hours.
And in the other life I'm a doctor.
What do you call medicine that you give to pigs?
Oinkment
A man sees his doctor for his f**... problems.
I've been f**... a lot lately, doc, says the man. I've actually f**... ten times since I've been in here. But they don't make any noise and they don't smell. Can you help me?
The doctor says, I think I see the problem. I'm going to prescribe you some medicine that should help you. Take it and then come back and see me next week.
One week later, the man returns to the doctor's office. What did that medicine do to me, doc?! My farts smell horrible now!
The doctor says, Well, it looks like that medicine cleaned up your sinuses. Now let's get you a hearing aid.
Never trust a duck that claims to know medicine
They always turn out to be quacks.
I went to see the doctor about my hearing loss and he gave me some medicine and told me to take two drops a day in my beer.
I've been doing it for 5 days now and I still haven't noticed any improvement.
"Being a doctor, and being married to you..." said my wife. "..it feels like I'm living two lives."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"In one life there's medicine, scarring images and long, painful hours," she replied. "And in the other life I'm a doctor."
A guy lost his fingers in an accident at work.
He rushed to the hospital and made his way to the emergency ward.
When he arrived the doctor came in and said, "Not to fret, Mr. Roberts, with the technology of today and advances in medicine, we can easily reattach your fingers and you'll be able to return to work in a couple of days. Now... where are the fingers?"
"I haven't got 'em." The man replied.
"Why not!?" Asked the doctor.
The man says "I couldn't pick 'em up!"
A pharmacist comes back from his lunch break
He finds his assistant standing by a customer who seems very tense.
What's wrong with this man? The pharmacist asks his assistant.
He has a terrible cough! The assistant replied. And there was no cough medicine so I prescribed him laxatives instead.
The customer gives a soft groan as the pharmacist looks horrified.
You can't prescribe laxatives to treat a cough!
Well of course you can, replied the assistant. Look at the customer, he's far too scared to cough
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, Why the long face?
The horse says, Because idiots keep eating up my dewormer medicine.
