Medication Jokes
114 medication jokes and hilarious medication puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about medication that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover some of the funniest medication jokes and puns that will have you laughing out loud. From pharmacist and prescription jokes to pain medication and severe meds puns, these medical jokes will have you and your friends in stitches. Whether it's a clever play on medication names or a tongue in cheek joke about a severe medical condition, these jokes will have everyone in your circle in tears.
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Funniest Medication Short Jokes
Short medication jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The medication humour may include short drugs jokes also.
- My grandfather died because the medical report said he had Type A blood. Unfortunately it was a Type-O.
- When I die I'm going to donate my body to science. That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school.
- There's only one problem with North Korea's miracle cure for AIDS and Ebola: The directions say the medication must be taken with food.
- Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness, Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.
- Why are there always two medics in an ambulance They're not called pair a medics for no reason
- So my daughters friend came over the other day and they played house together Now I have $50k in medical bills and she thinks she has Lupus.
- Whenever I go out, I always wear a stethoscope. That way, in the event of a medical emergency, I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
- After being in an accident that disabled both my legs... The doctor walked in with the medical bill,
I couldn't stand to look at it. - This is a frightening statistic 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness!
That's scary!
It means 75% are running around untreated! - My medication says to store it in a cool, dark place. So I keep it in a jazz club in Harlem.
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Medication One Liners
Which medication one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with medication? I can suggest the ones about pills and medicine.
- Don't vaccinate your children! Let a trained medical professional do it!
- Of all medical humor, optometry jokes are number one Or number two.
- What doesn't kill you cripples you with medical debt.
- There's an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep. It's called 'coma toes'
- If I photoshopped a medical license Would that be a doctored image?
- What's the medical term for a chill pill? A relaxative
- What do you call a sarcastic canine medical professional? A dog, duh.
- All pirates medics were required to be certified in C. P. ARRRRRR.
- What type of EMTs will touch up your makeup on the way to the hospital? Cos-medics
- What medication does a snake take before giving a presentation? An antihissstamine.
- I didn't want to believe that my dentist's medical degree was fake But the tooth hurts.
- What do seals do when they need medical attention? Sea kelp
- Whoever took my anxiety medication I'm worried about you
- Medically, what happens to a man if he never masturbates? Nobody knows.
- What do you call 2 doctors walking together? Pair-o-Medics
Medication Name Jokes
Here is a list of funny medication name jokes and even better medication name puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- if you think about it, the absolute best name for an anti-diarrhea medication has already been taken. Gonorrhea
- What's the name of the erectile dysfunction medication used in Pokemon? PP up
Pain Medication Jokes
Here is a list of funny pain medication jokes and even better pain medication puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between a feminist and a dentist's drill? One causes a lot of pain and makes a constant high pitched whine. The other is a useful piece of medical equipment.
- Q: Why is Michael Jackson addicted to pain killers?
A: To stop him from going OW OW OW!
Pharmacy Medication Jokes
Here is a list of funny pharmacy medication jokes and even better pharmacy medication puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Went hiking and got a little poison ivy on myself. When I went to the pharmacy to pick up some medication I had to make a rash decision.
- Why did Lionel go to the medical store? because it was pharmacy.
Comical & Quirky Medication Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about medication you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean treatment jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make medication pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Having too much s**... can result in memory loss."
I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.
Anticipation (may be offensive)
A man notices he is having some very strange medical symptoms, so he goes to the hospital. Tests are run, and he goes home. A few days later, he gets a call from his doctor.
"Doc, finally! Give me the news, this anticipation has been killing me."
"Actually, that's the cancer..."
OCD
A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants
in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were
looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this
disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses
the day after the ad came out.
All from the same person.
Dr joke I just made up
A young medical intern was standing in a hospital hallway, looking flustered whilst try to examine a patients' CAT scan. Seeing his confusion, an older doctor came to see what the problem was. He saw that the intern was reading the scan upside down, and turned it around for him. Seeing that the young intern was embarrassed by his mistake, the doctor said, "don't feel embarrassed, lad, there's more than one way to skim a CAT."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said
"I have a s**... problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "t**... clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an e**... either."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
During a lady's medical examination...
The doctor says: "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Don't t**... clothes. Just stick out your tongue!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A doctor had s**......
A doctor had s**... with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have s**... with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...
"You're a veterinarian, you sick s**... fiend."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Computer diagnosis
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your u**..., and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a u**... sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and u**... samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he m**... into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using c**....
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop m**..., your elbow will never get better.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So I've got some buddies...
They just so happen to be a high-ranking officials in Denver,Colorado. They're currently trying to get Republicans and Democrats to both agree to legalize medical m**... to ease arthritis symptoms. I guess you could say I have friends in high places in high places in high places for joint support for joint support for joint support.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Chinese couple named Mr. and Mrs. Wong went to the hospital to have a baby...
Mrs. Wong had the baby soon after they arrived, and after they got to see their child, a nurse took it away for medical examinations. When she returned, she was carrying a white baby, not an Asian one. Mr. Wong was surprised and a little annoyed at the mistake and curtly told the nurse to go back and get their actual baby. The nurse insisted that it was the correct child, but Mr. Wong was positive that a mistake had been made, because, as he put it, "Two Wongs don't make a white."
A guy sees a sign that says, "Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!"
So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, "I'll do it under three conditions:
1) No one can find out that I did this.
2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely.
3) I'm gonna need some time to come up with the $500."
I wanted to be a gynecologist, but I failed medical school in the last semester.
I was so close I could taste it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At a medical conference
Two African doctors were in an intense debate. The first said "It's wooooooooooooooommmbbbbb". The second said "no, it's woooooooooooooooommmbbaaaa." A British doctor overhears them and decides to help: "I think the word you are looking for is 'womb.'"
They both turn to him and say "Clearly, you've never heard a hippopotamus f**... underwater!"
Why are Helium, Curium and Barium called the medical elements?
Because if you can't Helium or Curium, you Barium.
(Heard it from Heimerdinger, League of Legends)
I always assumed you took off your pants during a prostate exam
But apparently that's "not appropriate for a medical professional".
I went to the doctor for a checkup.
A friend asked "Which doctor?"
I replied "No, a medical one."
A doctor and a lawyer
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
A man got lost on a camping trip
A man got lost on a camping trip. Rescuers scoured the wilderness until a medical emergency team finally spotted a solitary figure across a wide chasm.
Charlie Smith, someone shouted, is that you?
Yes, it is, came the reply. Who are you?
We're from the Red Cross.
I gave at the office! Charlie shouted back.
What do you call a group of medical professionals who navigate around the Horn of Africa without being accosted by pirates?
Doctors without boarders.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The s**... is made up of Glucose........
MBBS Professor:
The s**... is made up of Glucose, the same material Sugar is made of.
A Girl raised her hand:
"Then why doesn't it
taste like Sugar?"
Suddenly silence in hall.
Girl:Oops.
Then Professor's reply was also a Medical master piece:
My dear, Thats because, the taste buds are located on the tip of your Tongue and not at the end of your t**...
Killer .
A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long.
She'd just begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense, she couldn't continue her game. She decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.
Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked,
"Why are you back so soon?" What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she answered.
"Where?," he asked.
"Between the first and second holes," she replied.
He nodded his head knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."
My grandmother, 86 years old, just entered medical school.
She's a cadaver, and she is living death to the fullest.
After seven years of medical training and hard work
my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
My uncle always believed that "Between duct tape and WD-40 you can fix just about anything."
I still can't believe it took seven years before he lost his medical license.
Why do cats make better medical technicians than dogs?
Because dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.
An engineer said: When I was young I decided to go to medical school.
At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the alphabets
P N E I S
and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when straight.
Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are Engineers.
I walked into the doctor's office one day.
"It appears that you are severely depressed, so I reccomend you take some medication for this..." the doctor told me, writing something down.
I asked, "How much longer do I have to live?"
Confused, the doctor replied "Sir, besides depression, you're actually very healthy."
I asked again "I know, but how much longer do I *have* to live?"
My mom was watching TV when an Ad for an Alzheimer's medication cam on...
She says to me "Grab a pencil and paper and write down this medication in case i get Alzheimer's so you know what med to give me." I said "Mom don't be silly. You have already written it down five times"
Why are Helium, Curium, and Barium called the medical isotopes?
Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I think medical m**... is really good...
... for joints.
I'll see myself out.
In one Intensive care unit
people always died on the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less superstitious had video cameras to catch the whole thing on tape. At the 11th hour, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.
Had my medical license revoked today.
Being a medical professional is like being in a minefield. All it takes is one mistep and you can lose it all. I made a one-time mistake and slept with a patient. A co-worker heard her passionate crys and came to find us in the act. Embarrassing be as it was, I never expected to be the end of my career.
12 years wasted as a veterinarian.
My doctor got sick so I grabbed his medical bag, but he refused to let me treat him
He did not like the taste of his own medicine
A doctor & a lawyer are talking at a party.
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's a medical miracle
A man is recovering from surgery after a car c**..., and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?"
"Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."
"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An chinese dad sees his newborn child and is startled when he realises the kid is clearly white.
He runs to the doctor and asks:
"Doctor, is it even medically possible for me and my wife - both chinese - to have a caucasian-looking baby?"
The doctor, turns to him, thinks for a bit, and replies:
"No. Two Wongs don't make a white."
I told my doctor that I was unable to do all the things around the house that I used to do.
The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but found nothing wrong with me. When the examination was completed, I said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me" "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just very lazy." "Okay," I said , "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
A man walks into his doctor's office and says: My nose just keeps on running,
But that's not even the worst part about me either, doc. My feet smell an awful lot! Surely you must have a remedy for both.
The doctor replies: Well I'm sorry to tell you there's nothing I can do. It doesn't seem like you need a medical professional, but rather a bio-mechanical engineer!
After a confused look from the man the doctor explains: You've been built upside down.
A scientist runs into an AA meeting...
...and exclaims "we did it! We found a medical cure for alcoholism! All you have to do is take this one pill daily and you are cured."
Slowly a hand raises in the back and a man says "what happens if you take two?"
Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there."
Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Going to open up a donut shop next to a medical m**... store
I'll call it glazed and confused
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife and I spend so much money on arthritis medication and w**... that we made a whole new bank account just for those two things!
It's a joint account
I caught the flu in Madrid.
While sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realized I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.
"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"
The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h...how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied:
"Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So on a flight, there is a woman who is sneezing.
Now see, this woman is sneezing very vigorously. Eventually, a man leans over and asks 'what's wrong?'
The woman replies, 'I have a very rare condition wherein every time I sneeze I o**....'
The man replies, 'oh why that sounds terrible! What medication are you taking for it?'
The woman smiles and replies, 'pepper'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Trump just suggested that injecting sanitizers like bleach might have a cleansing effect on the body
I think medical research would agree that injecting bleach definitely cures stupidity.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man my girlfriend is s**....
Just because I take my schizophrenia medication doesn't mean she has to leave me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks
Patient: I become terrified every time I think of large animals.
Doctor: We can control that with medication, but bear in mind--
Patient: AAAAAAUUUGGGHHH!!!
I have good friends, a wife that loves me, and a family that respects me
You want me to leave that behind and take my schizophrenia medication?
I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children,
it's their responsibility to choose whatever medical school they'll graduate from.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At first I was mad when my doctor prescribed me medication that would lower my s**... drive, but now ..
No hard feelings.
The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..
A doctor's toilet gets clogged up
He calls a plumber. Plumber shows up, unclogs the toilet and gives the doctor bill for $200.
Doctor: $200? For 15 minutes worth of work? That's $800 an hour! I'm a top neurosurgeon in this city, 15 years of medical school, 3 years of residence, and even I don't make $800 an hour!
Plumber: Yeah. When I was a top surgeon in this city I also didn't make $800 an hour. Which is why I became a plumber.
Young couple at doctors office
Young couple visits doctor seeking advice,
"Sir you gotta help us, we tried everything to have a baby, we tried vitamins, we tried changing positions, we tried every different day of the month, we searched internet for pregnancy advice, but we just can't seem to have any luck with it, we need to know if there is some medical problem."
Doctor sat back on his chair crossed his hands and sighed,
"You boys are nuts."
A deer enters a bar...
A deer enters a bar and sits by the bartender. "Whatever's on tap, and keep them coming. I lost a patient today."
The bartender brings over a drink and says, "That's really rough. But I've never met a deer that's a medical practitioner. How did that happen?"
The deer replied, "Well I came from a impoverished part of the forest. It was difficult to get food, difficult to get water, and difficult to find shelter. Nothing came with ease, that's for sure."
"And a deer with no ease becomes a dr."
I was always told you lose a lot of friends after deciding to better yourself
I never believed it until all of my friends disappeared after I started taking my schizophrenia medication
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the number one reason for requesting a medical m**... card?
"I need it for my joints!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An anti-vaxxer got a call from the Doctor.
The doctor said "Your test results are in and I'm afraid it's not good news."
"Nonsense," replied the anti-vaxxer. "I don't trust your pharmaceutical industry. My entire life I relied on homeopathic remedies instead of medication, and the only diagnosis I accept is based on my horoscope."
"Fair enough, in that case tell me your star -sign." said the doctor.
The anti-vaxxer replied "My star sign is Cancer."
The doctor said "Well what a d**... coincidence..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the medical term for an a**... transplant?
An election.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jewish mother walks by a planned parenthood and sees a protestor who's sign says life begins at conception
She goes up to the man and says that may be true of Christian babies, but a Jewish fetus isn't viable until it graduates medical school!
I tried to apply for a medical exemption for the COVID vaccine.
Apparently being a republican isn't an acceptable medical condition.
Caught the flu in Madrid on a business trip.
Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.
"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"
The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h...how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied:
"Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."
