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Medical Jokes

161 medical jokes and hilarious medical puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about medical that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Make your day with some medical humor! Whether you're a medical student, medical assistant, medical coding specialist, medical office worker, or anything else in the medical field, these medical jokes will make your day brighter. From medical Halloween jokes to jokes about doctors and clinicals, medical labs, and even stethoscopes, we've got it all covered. Enjoy a good laugh and add some medical humor to your day!

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Funniest Medical Short Jokes

Short medical jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The medical humour may include short medicine jokes also.

  1. My grandfather died because the medical report said he had Type A blood. Unfortunately it was a Type-O.
  2. When I die I'm going to donate my body to science. That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school.
  3. There's only one problem with North Korea's miracle cure for AIDS and Ebola: The directions say the medication must be taken with food.
  4. Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness, Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.
  5. Why are there always two medics in an ambulance They're not called pair a medics for no reason
  6. So my daughters friend came over the other day and they played house together Now I have $50k in medical bills and she thinks she has Lupus.
  7. Whenever I go out, I always wear a stethoscope. That way, in the event of a medical emergency, I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
  8. After being in an accident that disabled both my legs... The doctor walked in with the medical bill,
    I couldn't stand to look at it.
  9. This is a frightening statistic 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness!
    That's scary!
    It means 75% are running around untreated!
  10. My medication says to store it in a cool, dark place. So I keep it in a jazz club in Harlem.

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Medical One Liners

Which medical one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with medical? I can suggest the ones about health and hospital.

  1. Don't vaccinate your children! Let a trained medical professional do it!
  2. Of all medical humor, optometry jokes are number one Or number two.
  3. What doesn't kill you cripples you with medical debt.
  4. There's an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep. It's called 'coma toes'
  5. If I photoshopped a medical license Would that be a doctored image?
  6. What's the medical term for a chill pill? A relaxative
  7. What do you call a sarcastic canine medical professional? A dog, duh.
  8. All pirates medics were required to be certified in C. P. ARRRRRR.
  9. What type of EMTs will touch up your makeup on the way to the hospital? Cos-medics
  10. What medication does a snake take before giving a presentation? An antihissstamine.
  11. I didn't want to believe that my dentist's medical degree was fake But the tooth hurts.
  12. What do seals do when they need medical attention? Sea kelp
  13. Whoever took my anxiety medication I'm worried about you
  14. Medically, what happens to a man if he never masturbates? Nobody knows.
  15. What do you call 2 doctors walking together? Pair-o-Medics

Medical Doctor Jokes

Here is a list of funny medical doctor jokes and even better medical doctor puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call someone who graduates at the bottom of their class in medical school? A doctor
  • I went to the doctor for a checkup. A friend asked "Which doctor?"
    I replied "No, a medical one."
  • My doctor got sick so I grabbed his medical bag, but he refused to let me treat him He did not like the taste of his own medicine
  • What do you call a group of medical professionals who navigate around the Horn of Africa without being accosted by pirates? Doctors without boarders.
  • Patient: I become terrified every time I think of large animals. Doctor: We can control that with medication, but bear in mind--
    Patient: AAAAAAUUUGGGHHH!!!
  • My doctor must be a very visual person, Whenever I have a cold he holds out my medication and says "vitamins, see".
  • Doctor: ""If you gain 5 more pounds, medically, you'll be morbidly obese." "Do you understand what this means?"
    Woman: "Yes, I'm not morbidly obese now."
  • I don't think my doctor went to medical school He keeps insisting I have cancer, no matter how many times I tell him I'm a scorpio
  • An apple a day keeps the doctor away Because no-one can afford an iPhone AND medical insurance.
  • My Granny thought the Doctor was hitting on her after her medical.... Apparently Her hearing is going and she's got Acute Angina.

Medical School Jokes

Here is a list of funny medical school jokes and even better medical school puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children, it's their responsibility to choose whatever medical school they'll graduate from.
  • I wanted to be a gynecologist, but I failed medical school in the last semester. I was so close I could taste it.
  • My grandmother, 86 years old, just entered medical school. She's a cadaver, and she is living death to the fullest.
  • I failed medical school for the same reason I failed English class Improper: Colon placement
  • When is a fetus viable? To a Christian, it's the moment of conception. To a Jew, it's when he graduates from medical school.
    -my mom heard this on the radio
  • A labrador picks up Mjölnir and goes to medical school Guess he's a DogThor now.
  • I went to medical school with an incredibly ambitious guy who was obsessed with collecting skulls. He'd do anything to get a head.
  • Kek day joke: What do you call the person who graduates medical school with the lowest GPA? Doctor.
  • Chicken A chicken was recently admitted to Medical School, thanks to its handwriting
  • I always wanted to be a drug dealer But I had trouble getting into medical school

Medical Office Jokes

Here is a list of funny medical office jokes and even better medical office puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • An Army commanding officer is talking to one of his troops. "Why exactly did you send the Grenadine people explosives instead of the medical supplies we promised?"
    "You said to send Gren aid."
  • What do you call two twin emt officers? A pair of medics

Medical Students Jokes

Here is a list of funny medical students jokes and even better medical students puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Two medical students are about to witness an autopsy for the first time... One asks the other, "What do you think it'll be like?"
    The other student shrugs and says, "Remains to be seen".
  • Where do college students go for medical attention? An I.V. League.
  • What did the blonde medical student die from? An aneurysm.
  • What a doctor must have. I asked a medical student once, what he thought would be the one thing that makes a doctor who they are.
    He responded with: "A doctor must have patients".
  • What do you call it when a medical student is exploring the different types of practices they are interested in? A field trip
  • The more medical students I met, the less I trust doctors.
  • Why couldn't the Asian student graduate medical school? "Knee-How?"
  • Why did the medical students feel symptoms of vertigo? They did lots of rotations.
Medical joke, Why did the medical students feel symptoms of vertigo?

Howlingly Hilarious Medical Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening

What funny jokes about medical you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean clinical jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make medical pranks.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

"Having too much s**... can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.

What's the difference between a feminist and a dentist's drill?

One causes a lot of pain and makes a constant high pitched whine. The other is a useful piece of medical equipment.

Anticipation (may be offensive)

A man notices he is having some very strange medical symptoms, so he goes to the hospital. Tests are run, and he goes home. A few days later, he gets a call from his doctor.
"Doc, finally! Give me the news, this anticipation has been killing me."
"Actually, that's the cancer..."

OCD

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants
in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were
looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this
disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses
the day after the ad came out.
All from the same person.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I got my medical m**... card because I have terrible anxiety

over where I'm going to get my next bag of w**...

Dr joke I just made up

A young medical intern was standing in a hospital hallway, looking flustered whilst try to examine a patients' CAT scan. Seeing his confusion, an older doctor came to see what the problem was. He saw that the intern was reading the scan upside down, and turned it around for him. Seeing that the young intern was embarrassed by his mistake, the doctor said, "don't feel embarrassed, lad, there's more than one way to skim a CAT."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I want to form a law practice specializing in s**... harassment suits against medical professionals...

I'll call it "Doctors Without Boundaries"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

During a lady's medical examination...

The doctor says: "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Don't t**... clothes. Just stick out your tongue!"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A doctor had s**......

A doctor had s**... with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have s**... with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...
"You're a veterinarian, you sick s**... fiend."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

So I've got some buddies...

They just so happen to be a high-ranking officials in Denver,Colorado. They're currently trying to get Republicans and Democrats to both agree to legalize medical m**... to ease arthritis symptoms. I guess you could say I have friends in high places in high places in high places for joint support for joint support for joint support.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A Chinese couple named Mr. and Mrs. Wong went to the hospital to have a baby...

Mrs. Wong had the baby soon after they arrived, and after they got to see their child, a nurse took it away for medical examinations. When she returned, she was carrying a white baby, not an Asian one. Mr. Wong was surprised and a little annoyed at the mistake and curtly told the nurse to go back and get their actual baby. The nurse insisted that it was the correct child, but Mr. Wong was positive that a mistake had been made, because, as he put it, "Two Wongs don't make a white."

A guy sees a sign that says, "Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!"

So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, "I'll do it under three conditions:
1) No one can find out that I did this.
2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely.
3) I'm gonna need some time to come up with the $500."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

At a medical conference

Two African doctors were in an intense debate. The first said "It's wooooooooooooooommmbbbbb". The second said "no, it's woooooooooooooooommmbbaaaa." A British doctor overhears them and decides to help: "I think the word you are looking for is 'womb.'"
They both turn to him and say "Clearly, you've never heard a hippopotamus f**... underwater!"

Why are Helium, Curium and Barium called the medical elements?

Because if you can't Helium or Curium, you Barium.
(Heard it from Heimerdinger, League of Legends)

I always assumed you took off your pants during a prostate exam

But apparently that's "not appropriate for a medical professional".

A doctor and a lawyer

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Do you know why doctors are prescribing medical m**... for arthritis?

Because the definition of arthritis is inflammation of the joints

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What is the medical term for a fat cow?

Morbidly o-beef

A man got lost on a camping trip

A man got lost on a camping trip. Rescuers scoured the wilderness until a medical emergency team finally spotted a solitary figure across a wide chasm.
Charlie Smith, someone shouted, is that you?
Yes, it is, came the reply. Who are you?
We're from the Red Cross.
I gave at the office! Charlie shouted back.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

The s**... is made up of Glucose........

MBBS Professor:
The s**... is made up of Glucose, the same material Sugar is made of.
A Girl raised her hand:
"Then why doesn't it
taste like Sugar?"
Suddenly silence in hall.
Girl:Oops.
Then Professor's reply was also a Medical master piece:
My dear, Thats because, the taste buds are located on the tip of your Tongue and not at the end of your t**...
Killer .

A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long.

She'd just begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense, she couldn't continue her game. She decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.
Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked,
"Why are you back so soon?" What's wrong?"
"I was stung by a bee," she answered.
"Where?," he asked.
"Between the first and second holes," she replied.
He nodded his head knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

An American patriot with amputated arms decides to replace them.

He obtains a pair of grizzly bear arms from a black market, and attaches them on his own, with the help of a friend.
He is arrested for contribution to animal cruelty and performing medical procedures unlicensed.
When taken to court, he gives a speech defending his right to bear arms.

After seven years of medical training and hard work

my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

My uncle always believed that "Between duct tape and WD-40 you can fix just about anything."

I still can't believe it took seven years before he lost his medical license.

Why do cats make better medical technicians than dogs?

Because dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.

An engineer said: When I was young I decided to go to medical school.

At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the alphabets
P N E I S
and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when straight.
Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are Engineers.

This made me smile for days

Absolutely devastated.
A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

I once woke up in the middle of an operation.

It nearly cost me my medical licence.

When I was young I decided I wanted to attend medical school...

At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the following alphabets:
 
P  N  E  I  S
 
The question asked us to rearrange the letters in a way that it would spell the most important part of the body that is most useful when straight.
 
Those who answered *SPINE* are doctors today, and the rest of them are my friends.

Medical question?

My dad said he is going in for a hip replacement........is he having surgery or am I getting a cool new dad?

Why are Helium, Curium, and Barium called the medical isotopes?

Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I think medical m**... is really good...

... for joints.
I'll see myself out.

In one Intensive care unit

people always died on the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less superstitious had video cameras to catch the whole thing on tape. At the 11th hour, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

Had my medical license revoked today.

Being a medical professional is like being in a minefield. All it takes is one mistep and you can lose it all. I made a one-time mistake and slept with a patient. A co-worker heard her passionate crys and came to find us in the act. Embarrassing be as it was, I never expected to be the end of my career.
12 years wasted as a veterinarian.

My new family doctor wrote me a prescription

... and I was able to read all of it perfectly, disappointed by how underqualified medical professionals are these days.

A doctor & a lawyer are talking at a party.

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

Today I learned about Harvey E. Brown, a civil war surgeon who had so many amputations he ran out of fake legs and had to use a shovel.

It was a ground-breaking medical procedure.

You know what's great about being a medical examiner?

Not having to wait until you go home to crack open a cold one.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

It's a medical miracle

A man is recovering from surgery after a car c**..., and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?"
"Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."
"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."

I'm a member of the American Medical Association...

...AMA.

There was this haunted ICU in a hospital... People always died at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to keep a watch on the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour.
At 3pm, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I need a medical m**... card for my joint pain.

I'm always in pain when I'm out of joints.

I told my doctor that I was unable to do all the things around the house that I used to do.

The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but found nothing wrong with me. When the examination was completed, I said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me" "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just very lazy." "Okay," I said , "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Medical m**... isn't a new concept.

We've been using smoke to cure things for centuries.

A man walks into his doctor's office and says: My nose just keeps on running,

But that's not even the worst part about me either, doc. My feet smell an awful lot! Surely you must have a remedy for both.
The doctor replies: Well I'm sorry to tell you there's nothing I can do. It doesn't seem like you need a medical professional, but rather a bio-mechanical engineer!
After a confused look from the man the doctor explains: You've been built upside down.

A scientist runs into an AA meeting...

...and exclaims "we did it! We found a medical cure for alcoholism! All you have to do is take this one pill daily and you are cured."
Slowly a hand raises in the back and a man says "what happens if you take two?"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

According to a recent medical study, m**... helps to ease congestion.

The traffic cops on my afternoon commute did not agree, however.

Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo

One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there."
Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Going to open up a donut shop next to a medical m**... store

I'll call it glazed and confused

I caught the flu in Madrid.

While sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realized I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h...how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied:

"Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."

The keynote speaker for the medical conference walked up to the stage. "Before I begin," he started, "is there anyone in the audience from Connecticut? "

A couple members of the audience raised their hands. "Ok, thank you. You may put your hands down; I needed to check the accuracy of my CT scans."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Trump just suggested that injecting sanitizers like bleach might have a cleansing effect on the body

I think medical research would agree that injecting bleach definitely cures stupidity.

With the far right prescribing UV and sunlight for medical cures

They have finally seen the benefits of solar power.

The first 5G cell phone mast in town is put up

Suddenly, all sorts of people develop medical conditions. A citizens' initiative against the mast is formed. A public hearing is organized with the mayor and representatives of the telecom company. The people bring forward all the ailments they suffer from since the mast was erected.
The telecom technician replies: "For God's sake, what will be going on when we then put the mast into operation?"

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

A man is shopping without a mask on....

Man: *looks at store items without wearing a mask*
Shop Keeper: Hey sir, you can't shop hear without a mask on.
Man: Nah I have a Medical condition that makes it hard for me to breathe.
Shop Keeper: Oh, what condition?
Man: Covid-19

A doctor's toilet gets clogged up

He calls a plumber. Plumber shows up, unclogs the toilet and gives the doctor bill for $200.
Doctor: $200? For 15 minutes worth of work? That's $800 an hour! I'm a top neurosurgeon in this city, 15 years of medical school, 3 years of residence, and even I don't make $800 an hour!
Plumber: Yeah. When I was a top surgeon in this city I also didn't make $800 an hour. Which is why I became a plumber.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Dr. Mike had s**... with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Mike."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
What's wrong with you Mike, you're a veterinarian.

Medical joke, Dr. Mike had s**... with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

jokes about medical