The Best 70 Medical Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Medical jokes. There are some medical healthcare jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these medical expertise puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Medical Jokes and Puns

Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?

It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.

What's the difference between a feminist and a dentist's drill?

One causes a lot of pain and makes a constant high pitched whine. The other is a useful piece of medical equipment.

Medical joke, What's the difference between a feminist and a dentist's drill?

OCD

A Stanford Medical research group advertised for participants
in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were
looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this
disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 300 responses
the day after the ad came out.

All from the same person.

Dr joke I just made up

A young medical intern was standing in a hospital hallway, looking flustered whilst try to examine a patients' CAT scan. Seeing his confusion, an older doctor came to see what the problem was. He saw that the intern was reading the scan upside down, and turned it around for him. Seeing that the young intern was embarrassed by his mistake, the doctor said, "don't feel embarrassed, lad, there's more than one way to skim a CAT."


Medical School Entrance Exam...

When I was young (100 yrs. Ago) and my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility.



One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."



Those who spelled "SPINE" became Doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.

Entrance Exam

A recent entrance exam for Medical School included several questions that would determine eligibility.

One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

Those who spelled 'spine' became Doctors.

The rest ended up in Congress.

Medical joke, Entrance Exam

A doctor had sex...

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...

"You're a veterinarian, you sick sex fiend."

So I've got some buddies...

They just so happen to be a high-ranking officials in Denver,Colorado. They're currently trying to get Republicans and Democrats to both agree to legalize medical marijuana to ease arthritis symptoms. I guess you could say I have friends in high places in high places in high places for joint support for joint support for joint support.

A Chinese couple named Mr. and Mrs. Wong went to the hospital to have a baby...

Mrs. Wong had the baby soon after they arrived, and after they got to see their child, a nurse took it away for medical examinations. When she returned, she was carrying a white baby, not an Asian one. Mr. Wong was surprised and a little annoyed at the mistake and curtly told the nurse to go back and get their actual baby. The nurse insisted that it was the correct child, but Mr. Wong was positive that a mistake had been made, because, as he put it, "Two Wongs don't make a white."

A guy sees a sign that says, "Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!"

So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, "I'll do it under three conditions:

1) No one can find out that I did this.

2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely.

3) I'm gonna need some time to come up with the $500."

You can explore medical stethoscope reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean medical medically dad jokes. There are also medical puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I wanted to be a gynecologist, but I failed medical school in the last semester.

I was so close I could taste it.

Why can't female medical examiners have kids?

Because nobody puts baby in a coroner.
Hey, at least it was original, again I will see myself out.

Why are Helium, Curium and Barium called the medical elements?

Because if you can't Helium or Curium, you Barium.
(Heard it from Heimerdinger, League of Legends)

There is now a bipartisan push to legalize medical marijuana to relieve arthiritis.

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

So my daughters friend came over the other day and they played house together

Now I have $50k in medical bills and she thinks she has Lupus.

Medical joke, So my daughters friend came over the other day and they played house together

A man has an appointment with a urologist.

The man is sitting on the examination table when the Urologist walks in. The urologist glances at the man's medical history, makes a few notes and then says: "Look, I hate to break it to you, but you have to stop masturbating."

The man frowns and says, "Why, Doc?"

The urologist responds: "So I can examine you."

Don't vaccinate your children!

Let a trained medical professional do it!

I went to the doctor for a checkup.

A friend asked "Which doctor?"
I replied "No, a medical one."


"Doctor, I have an embarrassing medical problem..." NSFW

Well, what is it?" asks the doctor.

"I have five penises."

"Five penises!," exclaims the doctor, "How does your underwear fit?"

"Like a glove!"

A doctor and a lawyer

During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.

When I die I'm going to donate my body to science.

That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school.

A man got lost on a camping trip

A man got lost on a camping trip. Rescuers scoured the wilderness until a medical emergency team finally spotted a solitary figure across a wide chasm.

Charlie Smith, someone shouted, is that you?

Yes, it is, came the reply. Who are you?

We're from the Red Cross.

I gave at the office! Charlie shouted back.

How I Nearly Became A Doctor

How I Nearly Became A Doctor

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters *PNEIS* into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered spine are doctors today.

The Sperm is made up of Glucose........

MBBS Professor:

The Sperm is made up of Glucose, the same material Sugar is made of.

A Girl raised her hand:

"Then why doesn't it

taste like Sugar?"

Suddenly silence in hall.

Girl:Oops.

Then Professor's reply was also a Medical master piece:

My dear, Thats because, the taste buds are located on the tip of your Tongue and not at the end of your Throat

Killer .

A young woman had been taking golf lessons all week long.

She'd just begun her first game of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense, she couldn't continue her game. She decided to go back to the clubhouse and get some medical attention.

Her golf Pro saw her enter the clubhouse and asked,
"Why are you back so soon?" What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee," she answered.

"Where?," he asked.
"Between the first and second holes," she replied.

He nodded his head knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

Whenever I go out, I always wear a stethoscope.

That way, in the event of a medical emergency, I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.

My grandmother, 86 years old, just entered medical school.

She's a cadaver, and she is living death to the fullest.

I've started wearing a stethoscope around my neck...

So, if there's a medical emergency I get to teach people a valuable lesson about making assumptions based on someone's appearance.

There's a bipartisan group petitioning for medical marijuana as an option for arthritis patients.

In other words, there's joint support for joint support for joint support.

After seven years of medical training and hard work

my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous . He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves

What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

I got accepted into Harvard's medical program

I just have to die first and give them my body

Why do cats make better medical technicians than dogs?

Because dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.

An engineer said: When I was young I decided to go to medical school.

At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the alphabets

P N E I S

and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when straight.

Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are Engineers.

What doesn't kill you

cripples you with medical debt.

I hate it when

I hate it when engineering students call themselves engineer.
I don't see medical students calling themselves doctor or history students calling themselves unemployed

What do you call a sarcastic canine medical professional?

A dog, duh.

Why are Helium, Curium, and Barium called the medical isotopes?

Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium.

Doctor: I have some medical news.

You'll have to stop masturbating for a while.

Patient: Why?

Doctor: Because I'm talking to you.

I think medical marijuana is really good...

... for joints.

I'll see myself out.

In one Intensive care unit

people always died on the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less superstitious had video cameras to catch the whole thing on tape. At the 11th hour, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

If I photoshopped a medical license

Would that be a doctored image?

Had my medical license revoked today.

Being a medical professional is like being in a minefield. All it takes is one mistep and you can lose it all. I made a one-time mistake and slept with a patient. A co-worker heard her passionate crys and came to find us in the act. Embarrassing be as it was, I never expected to be the end of my career.

12 years wasted as a veterinarian.

A doctor & a lawyer are talking at a party.

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.

Stop me if you've heard this one...

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, You are back early, what's wrong? I was stung by a bee! she said. Where? he asked. Between the first and second hole. she replied. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide.

After being in an accident that disabled both my legs...

The doctor walked in with the medical bill,

I couldn't stand to look at it.

It's a medical miracle

A man is recovering from surgery after a car crash, and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?"

"Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."

"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor

Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor,
so I took the entrance exam to go to medical
school.

One of the many questions on human anatomy
asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS" into
the name of "an important human body part which
is most useful when erect."

Those who answered "spine" are now doctors

The rest of us are posting jokes on social media.

My grandfather died because the medical report said he had Type A blood.

Unfortunately it was a Type-O.

There's an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep.

It's called 'coma toes'

A scientist runs into an AA meeting...

...and exclaims "we did it! We found a medical cure for alcoholism! All you have to do is take this one pill daily and you are cured."

Slowly a hand raises in the back and a man says "what happens if you take two?"

What's the medical term for a chill pill?

A relaxative

Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo

One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there."

Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.

Going to open up a donut shop next to a medical marijuana store

I'll call it glazed and confused

I caught the flu in Madrid.

While sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realized I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.



"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"



The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h...how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied:



"Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."

Trump just suggested that injecting sanitizers like bleach might have a cleansing effect on the body

I think medical research would agree that injecting bleach definitely cures stupidity.

I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children,

it's their responsibility to choose whatever medical school they'll graduate from.

Did you know too much sex can cause memory loss

I read that in a medical journal on page 34 at 3:23 pm last year on Wednesday November the 7th.

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

A doctor's toilet gets clogged up

He calls a plumber. Plumber shows up, unclogs the toilet and gives the doctor bill for $200.

Doctor: $200? For 15 minutes worth of work? That's $800 an hour! I'm a top neurosurgeon in this city, 15 years of medical school, 3 years of residence, and even I don't make $800 an hour!

Plumber: Yeah. When I was a top surgeon in this city I also didn't make $800 an hour. Which is why I became a plumber.

A young man was drafted and sent to medical evaluation

The doctor asked him to read the first five letters on the poster. He quickly replied What poster? after which he was relieved of duty.

Unfortunately, as he went to the cinema that night, he was seated right next to the very same doctor. Without hesitation, he tapped the doctor on the shoulder and said:

Excuse me miss, is this bus destined for Dallas?

Young couple at doctors office

Young couple visits doctor seeking advice,

"Sir you gotta help us, we tried everything to have a baby, we tried vitamins, we tried changing positions, we tried every different day of the month, we searched internet for pregnancy advice, but we just can't seem to have any luck with it, we need to know if there is some medical problem."

Doctor sat back on his chair crossed his hands and sighed,

"You boys are nuts."

Where do snowmen go in a medical emergency?

The ICY-U

I have this unusual medical condition where I can't stop making silly airport puns.

The doctor says it's terminal.

What do you call the worst student in a class of graduating medical students?

Doctor.

A man goes to the chemist's

M: I would like 3 boxes of Xanax, please.

C: Sorry sir, you need a medical prescription for that.

M: I've got a wedding certificate.

C: That will do.

Made My Own Grand kids

With a patient in my medical exam room:

Me: How old are your kids?

Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13.

Me: That's quite the age difference!

Patient: Well, the older ones didn't give me any grandkids, so I made my own.

Kek day joke: What do you call the person who graduates medical school with the lowest GPA?

Doctor.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the medical dispensary jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working medical medical examination piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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