Medical Doctor Jokes
109 medical doctor jokes and hilarious medical doctor puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about medical doctor that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Medical Doctor Short Jokes
Short medical doctor jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The medical doctor humour may include short doctor specialist jokes also.
- After being in an accident that disabled both my legs... The doctor walked in with the medical bill,
I couldn't stand to look at it. - What do you call someone who graduates at the bottom of their class in medical school? A doctor
- I went to the doctor for a checkup. A friend asked "Which doctor?"
I replied "No, a medical one." - My doctor got sick so I grabbed his medical bag, but he refused to let me treat him He did not like the taste of his own medicine
- What do you call a group of medical professionals who navigate around the Horn of Africa without being accosted by pirates? Doctors without boarders.
- Patient: I become terrified every time I think of large animals. Doctor: We can control that with medication, but bear in mind--
Patient: AAAAAAUUUGGGHHH!!! - My doctor must be a very visual person, Whenever I have a cold he holds out my medication and says "vitamins, see".
- Doctor: ""If you gain 5 more pounds, medically, you'll be morbidly obese." "Do you understand what this means?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm not morbidly obese now." - I don't think my doctor went to medical school He keeps insisting I have cancer, no matter how many times I tell him I'm a scorpio
- An apple a day keeps the doctor away Because no-one can afford an iPhone AND medical insurance.
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Medical Doctor One Liners
Which medical doctor one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with medical doctor? I can suggest the ones about physician and medical professional.
- If I photoshopped a medical license Would that be a doctored image?
- What do you call 2 doctors walking together? Pair-o-Medics
- What's a medical doctor called, who is also part of a motorcycle club? Health Angel
- What do you call a Doctor who received all 'D's in Medical School? Doctor
- My medical bills are so high That I got a thank you card from my Doctors kids' colleges
- Why don't doctors like medical labs? They are always testing their patients.
- The doctor brings results to the patient after medical check-ups.
- Why did the sparrow go to the doctor? He was in need of immediate medical tweetment.
- The more medical students I met, the less I trust doctors.
- A doctor moved hospitals and got a new medical staff He didn't expect a doctor's cane
- Why did a physician go to prison? His medical license was doctored.
- What do you call someone who never finished medical school. Mr. Doctor.
- Why did the doctor fail medical school? His handwriting was legible.
- My doctor just prescribed me blood pressure medication it was a tough pill to s**...
Howlingly Hilarious Medical Doctor Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about medical doctor you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean female doctor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make medical doctor pranks.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's w**....
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A medical student is driving home on a narrow country road in the middle of the night after his shift in the hospital.
The weather is terrible.
It's raining cats and dogs.
Suddenly a motorbike is screaming by with very high speed.
"Jesus Crhist! What an idiot! He will c**... if he doesn't slow down!"
A few minutes later he spotted in his headlights on the side of the road the torn up motorbike against a big tree.
He stopped and quickly jumped out of his car to see in he can give first aid.
But it's to late.
The biker is already dead.
He looked around if there is anyone around. Nobody to see.
The student thouhgt "This is the oppertunity to finally obtain a real human eye!"
He always carryrna spoon and a glass eye in his pocket for an opperunity like this.
He quickly removes the left eye and places the glass eye in the socket.
One quick look around and he jumps in his car and races off.
The next morning when he wakes up he turned on the tv and watches the news.
It said: "Biker found dead on country road with 2 glass eyes."
Doctor, doctor, should I surf the Internet on an empty stomach?
No, you should do it on a computer.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Cloyd went to a Charleston dentist complaining his gums had shriveled up and his teeth were falling out.
After examining him, the dentist said, "Your mouth is really bad. Do you brush?"
"Ah sure do!" replied Cloyd. "Everee single day!"
"What do you brush with?" asked the dentist.
"Preparation H," said the r**....
What do you call a Doctor who says they'll never share your personal medical information with others, but does?
A HIPAAcrite.
Anticipation (may be offensive)
A man notices he is having some very strange medical symptoms, so he goes to the hospital. Tests are run, and he goes home. A few days later, he gets a call from his doctor.
"Doc, finally! Give me the news, this anticipation has been killing me."
"Actually, that's the cancer..."
Dr joke I just made up
A young medical intern was standing in a hospital hallway, looking flustered whilst try to examine a patients' CAT scan. Seeing his confusion, an older doctor came to see what the problem was. He saw that the intern was reading the scan upside down, and turned it around for him. Seeing that the young intern was embarrassed by his mistake, the doctor said, "don't feel embarrassed, lad, there's more than one way to skim a CAT."
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"Doctor," the embarrassed man said
"I have a s**... problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "t**... clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an e**... either."
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I want to form a law practice specializing in s**... harassment suits against medical professionals...
I'll call it "Doctors Without Boundaries"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
During a lady's medical examination...
The doctor says: "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Don't t**... clothes. Just stick out your tongue!"
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A doctor had s**......
A doctor had s**... with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have s**... with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...
"You're a veterinarian, you sick s**... fiend."
[Best joke I've heard recently] A man walks into a doctors office,...
...unzips his fly and places his considerable member on the doctors table.
Unfazed, the doctor puts on his gloves and gives the man's member a routine medical examination. After some time, the doctor, puzzled says
"I... I can't seem to find anything wrong with this...?"
To which the man replies with his hands on his hips "
No, magnificent isn't it?"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Computer diagnosis
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your u**..., and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a u**... sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and u**... samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he m**... into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using c**....
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop m**..., your elbow will never get better.
Medical checkup
An elderly man goes to the doctor for his yearly medical checkup.
The doctor, a kindly man with a slight stutter, asks his patient:
"So, how's the prost-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tate doing?"
The man thinks for a moment, then replies:
"Well... you could say I pee the way you speak."
What's your favorite medical joke?
I've memorized a lot of jokes from a previous "doctor joke" thread, and need some fresh material!
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Doctor: Come on, lots of medical professionals sleep with their patients
Wife: d**..., John, you're a veterinarian!
I heard it was medically impossible for a quack doctor to make me straight
But my chiropractor managed to realign my spine.
He was kinda cute too.
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
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At a medical conference
Two African doctors were in an intense debate. The first said "It's wooooooooooooooommmbbbbb". The second said "no, it's woooooooooooooooommmbbaaaa." A British doctor overhears them and decides to help: "I think the word you are looking for is 'womb.'"
They both turn to him and say "Clearly, you've never heard a hippopotamus f**... underwater!"
BLONDE'S APPENDICITIS
A blonde has sharp pains in her side, so she goes to the hospital. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis."
The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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After WWII, a German soldier...
After WWII, a German soldier left the tenets of n**... behind and decided to change his path in life. He went to school, got a medical degree, and went to work doctoring sick animals. He was a veterinarian.
A doctor and a lawyer
During a party, a doctor is telling a lawyer that he is sick of his friends asking him for free medical advice. The lawyer says, "just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox." The doctor decides he'll give that a try and thanks his lawyer friend. When the doctor gets home, he has a bill in his mailbox from the lawyer.
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Do you know why doctors are prescribing medical m**... for arthritis?
Because the definition of arthritis is inflammation of the joints
Medication
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed To me has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
What you should do if you have a rash
Choose your doctor and medication carefully, you don't want to make any rash decisions.
Why did Michael Jackson see a software engineer instead of a medical doctor?
Because he had a race condition.
What a doctor must have.
I asked a medical student once, what he thought would be the one thing that makes a doctor who they are.
He responded with: "A doctor must have patients".
An engineer said: When I was young I decided to go to medical school.
At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the alphabets
P N E I S
and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when straight.
Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are Engineers.
A doctor was fixing his grammar on medical bills when he noticed something random.
a posture fee.
I walked into the doctor's office one day.
"It appears that you are severely depressed, so I reccomend you take some medication for this..." the doctor told me, writing something down.
I asked, "How much longer do I have to live?"
Confused, the doctor replied "Sir, besides depression, you're actually very healthy."
I asked again "I know, but how much longer do I *have* to live?"
Did you hear about the narcissist who went to medical school?
He wanted to be a doctor so patients would be committed to his care.
When I was young I decided I wanted to attend medical school...
At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the following alphabets:
P N E I S
The question asked us to rearrange the letters in a way that it would spell the most important part of the body that is most useful when straight.
Those who answered *SPINE* are doctors today, and the rest of them are my friends.
Imagine my surprise when
Imagine my surprise when I went to Tipler Army Medical Center for a heart bypass operation and discovered my surgeon's name was Dr. Eror.
"What a name for a doctor," I said, not sure whether to laugh or cry.
"Yeah," he agreed. "You can imagine the reaction I got when I was a major."
Drug side effects
A man goes to a doctor, who prescribes him a medication. He asks if there are any side effects. The doctor says, "Of course there are, it's a drug. But they're all positive!"
In one Intensive care unit
people always died on the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less superstitious had video cameras to catch the whole thing on tape. At the 11th hour, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.
Medical bills are expensive
but let's take comfort that it isn't like the civil war era. Doctors would charge an arm and a leg back than
My new family doctor wrote me a prescription
... and I was able to read all of it perfectly, disappointed by how underqualified medical professionals are these days.
Medication mix-up.
Went to the doctor about my haemorrhoids and halitosis. There must have been a mix up with the medication because now my farts smell great but my uvula has gone.
Why did the biologist lock himself in jail with an engineer, a physicist and a medical doctor?
Because he wanted to work with STEM Cells
A doctor & a lawyer are talking at a party.
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
A lady goes to a doctor...
"Doc, I have high fever. Can you give some medications?"
"Just walk in the rain, eat some ice-cream, drink cold-water..."
"What! Will my fever go away then?"
"No, you'll catch Pneumonia. I have the medication for it."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An chinese dad sees his newborn child and is startled when he realises the kid is clearly white.
He runs to the doctor and asks:
"Doctor, is it even medically possible for me and my wife - both chinese - to have a caucasian-looking baby?"
The doctor, turns to him, thinks for a bit, and replies:
"No. Two Wongs don't make a white."
Annual medical check
A man went in for his annual medical checkup and the doctor said "dont eat anything fatty"
The man sighed and said "does that include burgers and fries?"
"No, fatty, I mean dont eat anything!" Replied the doctor
There was this haunted ICU in a hospital... People always died at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to keep a watch on the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour.
At 3pm, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.
I told my doctor that I was unable to do all the things around the house that I used to do.
The doctor started a long and thorough examination, but found nothing wrong with me. When the examination was completed, I said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me" "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just very lazy." "Okay," I said , "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
A man walks into his doctor's office and says: My nose just keeps on running,
But that's not even the worst part about me either, doc. My feet smell an awful lot! Surely you must have a remedy for both.
The doctor replies: Well I'm sorry to tell you there's nothing I can do. It doesn't seem like you need a medical professional, but rather a bio-mechanical engineer!
After a confused look from the man the doctor explains: You've been built upside down.
A Soviet citizen entered a medical clinic one day and asked to see an ear-and-eye doctor.
Asked about is problem, the man replied, "Well, I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
and Ven ze patient voke up,
zis skeleton was missing, AND ZHE DOCTOR WAS NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN anyway **Zat´s how i lost my medical license''**
Doctor: I'm afraid that it was a severe allergy that led to you suffering an anaphylactic shock.
Patient: Enough medical mumbo-jumbo doc. Just give it to me in a nutshell.
Feel free to steal this one.
My doctor got his medical degree from China, which isn't a problem usually, but the other day I was at his office and he told me,
"You have spot of cancer."
and I said,
"Cancer?"
and he said,
"Yes. Your lung has tumor."
and I said,
"One's enough, thanks."
I caught the flu in Madrid.
While sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realized I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.
"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"
The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h...how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied:
"Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."
Sad dad joke
2 dads are laying side by side on their death beds in the hospital, ome dad turns to the other and says
"how are you holding up buddy?"
"Not good, the doctor said im dying"
"huh the docter told me same thing, I cant belive a medical professional would mess both our names up like that!"
Pre-
John gets bitten by a wasp.
And that too on his pee pee.
He and his wife go to the doctor immediately. Doctor takes one look at it and asks the nurse to give him some medication to help him.
The wife quietly signals the doctor to come outside the room and says - can you please only give something for the pain, and leave the swelling alone?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At first I was mad when my doctor prescribed me medication that would lower my s**... drive, but now ..
No hard feelings.
Guy goes into a pub.
He orders 7 pints of beer, he drinks the first pint, the third pint, the 5th and the 7th pint and gets up to leave. The barman says why are you not drinking the other three pints.? He says, doctors orders, what do you mean by that asks the barman.? I am on medication and my doctor said to me the odd pint is okay.
A doctor's toilet gets clogged up
He calls a plumber. Plumber shows up, unclogs the toilet and gives the doctor bill for $200.
Doctor: $200? For 15 minutes worth of work? That's $800 an hour! I'm a top neurosurgeon in this city, 15 years of medical school, 3 years of residence, and even I don't make $800 an hour!
Plumber: Yeah. When I was a top surgeon in this city I also didn't make $800 an hour. Which is why I became a plumber.
A young man was drafted and sent to medical evaluation
The doctor asked him to read the first five letters on the poster. He quickly replied What poster? after which he was relieved of duty.
Unfortunately, as he went to the cinema that night, he was seated right next to the very same doctor. Without hesitation, he tapped the doctor on the shoulder and said:
Excuse me miss, is this bus destined for Dallas?
Young couple at doctors office
Young couple visits doctor seeking advice,
"Sir you gotta help us, we tried everything to have a baby, we tried vitamins, we tried changing positions, we tried every different day of the month, we searched internet for pregnancy advice, but we just can't seem to have any luck with it, we need to know if there is some medical problem."
Doctor sat back on his chair crossed his hands and sighed,
"You boys are nuts."
Kek day joke: What do you call the person who graduates medical school with the lowest GPA?
Doctor.
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a dog!
Unless it's a repressed memory, I made this puppy up myself...
A woman walked into Dr Smith's office and introduced herself.
Hi, I'm Dr Yvette Tan, I've just become an accredited psychiatrist and would love to work as part of your medical practice .
Despite some misgivings, Dr Tan assured him she'd be needed eventually, and once he'd checked all her papers, he set her up in an empty office down the hall.
The next morning a man came in to see him and yelled out Doctor! I feel like I'm a dog!
Ah yes, the doctor replies, I think you'll need to see Yvette
There's a pair of twins, Ivan and Oliver Peterson.
They both became doctors. Not medical doctors, but doctors in meteorology.
They study the rain. You know,
Dr.I.P.
Dr.O.P.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An anti-vaxxer got a call from the Doctor.
The doctor said "Your test results are in and I'm afraid it's not good news."
"Nonsense," replied the anti-vaxxer. "I don't trust your pharmaceutical industry. My entire life I relied on homeopathic remedies instead of medication, and the only diagnosis I accept is based on my horoscope."
"Fair enough, in that case tell me your star -sign." said the doctor.
The anti-vaxxer replied "My star sign is Cancer."
The doctor said "Well what a d**... coincidence..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Medical science has come a long way.
There's a tribe in Africa whose exposure to chemical runoff in the water from local mines created birth defects. One out of every three children are born with no eyelids. Volunteer doctors created a procedure where they take the f**... from new born males and create eyelids for those born without them. The procedure has been highly successful, although the children do look a little cockeyed.
