The Best 64 Medic Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Medic jokes. There are some medic polio jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these medic medical examination puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Medic Jokes and Puns
My medication says to store it in a cool, dark place.
So I keep it in a jazz club in Harlem.
I got my medical marijuana card because I have terrible anxiety
over where I'm going to get my next bag of weed
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said
"I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
Medical School Entrance Exam...
When I was young (100 yrs. Ago) and my intent was to go to medical school, the entrance exam included several questions that would determine eligibility.
One of the questions was "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."
Those who spelled "SPINE" became Doctors. The rest ended up in Congress.
During a lady's medical examination...
The doctor says: "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Don't take off your clothes. Just stick out your tongue!"
Medical checkup
An elderly man goes to the doctor for his yearly medical checkup.
The doctor, a kindly man with a slight stutter, asks his patient:
"So, how's the prost-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tate doing?"
The man thinks for a moment, then replies:
"Well... you could say I pee the way you speak."
What medication that can make people inspire you?
Aspirin
sorry guys
Two medical students are about to witness an autopsy for the first time...
One asks the other, "What do you think it'll be like?"
The other student shrugs and says, "Remains to be seen".
Why was the medicine man for bald eagles arrested?
He was selling ill-eagle drugs.
At a medical conference
Two African doctors were in an intense debate. The first said "It's wooooooooooooooommmbbbbb". The second said "no, it's woooooooooooooooommmbbaaaa." A British doctor overhears them and decides to help: "I think the word you are looking for is 'womb.'"
They both turn to him and say "Clearly, you've never heard a hippopotamus fart underwater!"
What do you call an injured Confederate soldier that can't find a medic?
A rebel without a gauze.
You can explore medic emt reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean medic doctor dad jokes. There are also medic puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Please Help! I've got a medical condition where I can't discern between the letter "b" and the letters "th".
Oops, wrong bread.
With medical advances over the Summer, it's expected that Oscar Pistorious will walk this August.
My medical bills are so high
That I got a thank you card from my Doctors kids' colleges
How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"?
"Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
What medicine do men take when their privates start hurting?
Penis-illin'
What is the medical term for a fat cow?
Morbidly o-beef
Medical prices these days are ridiculous
Why, something as simple as an amputation costs an arm and a leg.
Medication
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed To me has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
What do you call the medic in a K9 unit?
A dogtor.
What makes Mercy such a good medic?
It must be her high heals.
Paramedics
When one medic just isn't enough
Medical humour
Q. What do you call a white blood cell with one leg?
A. A limp-phocyte.
(You're welcome)
What medical condition are elderly bats most afraid of?
Incontinence.
What medication would you take to treat Erectile Dysfunction?
MyCocksFloppin
At a medical check up
Do you do dangerous sports?
Well, sometimes I talk back at my wife.
I wish there was a medicine that could cure procrastination
Eh, who am I kidding, I'd probably put off taking it.
Medical question?
My dad said he is going in for a hip replacement........is he having surgery or am I getting a cool new dad?
"Say, medic", says a soldier, "why do you always have to say 'I cannot wait'? Is that your battle cry or something?"
"If I could wait, I would not be medic.
I would be patient!"
Medical Term
A man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house like he used to. When the examination was complete, he said "Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
Medicine
Jim walked up to Joe who was frantically jumping up and down. So he asked Joe, "what are you doing?" Joe said while jumping, "This bottle says to shake well before use!"
I think medical marijuana is really good...
... for joints.
I'll see myself out.
I was once a medicine salesman, but I was soon fired.
I lost my job for not selling drugs.
I didn't want to believe that my dentist's medical degree was fake
But the tooth hurts.
What do you call a medic who jumps out of a plane?
A paramedic.
Had my medical license revoked today.
Being a medical professional is like being in a minefield. All it takes is one mistep and you can lose it all. I made a one-time mistake and slept with a patient. A co-worker heard her passionate crys and came to find us in the act. Embarrassing be as it was, I never expected to be the end of my career.
12 years wasted as a veterinarian.
Medical bills are expensive
but let's take comfort that it isn't like the civil war era. Doctors would charge an arm and a leg back than
Why couldn't the Medici family diversify their wealth?
Because in Renaissance times, stocks were bonds.
Soldier: My legs, my legs! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!
Medic: That's because your arms have been blown off.
New Medication
Doctor's have revealed the name of a new anti psychotic medication for lesbians - its called "Tricoxagan"
I took my wife's medication this morning, just to see what the side effects were.
Funny, it didn't make me want to sleep with my best mate..
It's a medical miracle
A man is recovering from surgery after a car crash, and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?"
"Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."
"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."
Just got a new medication for my narcolepsy.
I'll let you know how well it
How does the medicine in a suppository get absorbed into the body?
Assmosis.
I went to medical school with an incredibly ambitious guy who was obsessed with collecting skulls.
He'd do anything to get a head.
What medication are ants prescribed to deal with their low moods?
Anty depressants.
What's the medical term for a female-to-male sex change operation?
An adadichtomy
Best medicine
Patient approached a doctor for incessant cough and doctor prescribed laxative.
Assistant to doctor. Sir, you gave him laxative for cough.
Doctor: Yes, and now he'd think twice before coughing.
What's a medical doctor called, who is also part of a motorcycle club?
Health Angel
I need a medical marijuana card for my joint pain.
I'm always in pain when I'm out of joints.
I need a medical marijuana card for my joint pain!
They're always burning!
Medical Marijuana isn't a new concept.
We've been using smoke to cure things for centuries.
What medication does a snake take before giving a presentation?
An antihissstamine.
What's the medical term for a chill pill?
A relaxative
My medical knowledge and Spanish is pretty much the same.
Just enough to start a conversation that ends with me getting a rare disease.
Dr Dre may not be a real medic...
...but he has performed hundreds of hip hop orations.
My first ever medical joke
Ferrous Bueller will never be able to get an MRI.
I have a medical condition where I'm allergic to only one type of pasta
It's called macaroni and sneeze
Medically, what happens to a man if he never masturbates?
Nobody knows.
What do you call a tool used by a Polish combat medic?
A Warsaw
There's a new medicine for depressed lesbians.
It's call Tridicksagain.
What medical procedure involves transgender gang members uniting as one?
A blood transfusion
Medical joke: Knock Knock
Who's there?
HIPPA
HIPPA who?
I wish I could tell you
There's a medicine you can buy that apparently cures scepticism.
But I'm not buying it.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the medic craw jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working medic paramedic piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.