Medic Jokes
103 medic jokes and hilarious medic puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about medic that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud with these hilarious "Medic Jokes." From the witty world of the Army Medic to the humorous Team Fortress 2 Medic, you'll recognise many of these jokes from conversations at the Outpost. It's time to take a break from being an EMT and enjoy these comedic anecdotes.
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Funniest Medic Short Jokes
Short medic jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The medic humour may include short pharmacist jokes also.
- My grandfather died because the medical report said he had Type A blood. Unfortunately it was a Type-O.
- When I die I'm going to donate my body to science. That's the only way I'll ever get into medical school.
- There's only one problem with North Korea's miracle cure for AIDS and Ebola: The directions say the medication must be taken with food.
- Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness, Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.
- Why are there always two medics in an ambulance They're not called pair a medics for no reason
- So my daughters friend came over the other day and they played house together Now I have $50k in medical bills and she thinks she has Lupus.
- Whenever I go out, I always wear a stethoscope. That way, in the event of a medical emergency, I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
- After being in an accident that disabled both my legs... The doctor walked in with the medical bill,
I couldn't stand to look at it. - This is a frightening statistic 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness!
That's scary!
It means 75% are running around untreated! - My medication says to store it in a cool, dark place. So I keep it in a jazz club in Harlem.
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Medic One Liners
Which medic one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with medic? I can suggest the ones about nurse and physician.
- Don't vaccinate your children! Let a trained medical professional do it!
- Of all medical humor, optometry jokes are number one Or number two.
- What doesn't kill you cripples you with medical debt.
- There's an actual medical term for when your foot falls asleep. It's called 'coma toes'
- If I photoshopped a medical license Would that be a doctored image?
- What's the medical term for a chill pill? A relaxative
- What do you call a sarcastic canine medical professional? A dog, duh.
- All pirates medics were required to be certified in C. P. ARRRRRR.
- What type of EMTs will touch up your makeup on the way to the hospital? Cos-medics
- What medication does a snake take before giving a presentation? An antihissstamine.
- I didn't want to believe that my dentist's medical degree was fake But the tooth hurts.
- What do seals do when they need medical attention? Sea kelp
- Whoever took my anxiety medication I'm worried about you
- Medically, what happens to a man if he never masturbates? Nobody knows.
- What do you call 2 doctors walking together? Pair-o-Medics
Army Medic Jokes
Here is a list of funny army medic jokes and even better army medic puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- An Army commanding officer is talking to one of his troops. "Why exactly did you send the Grenadine people explosives instead of the medical supplies we promised?"
"You said to send Gren aid." - What did they call the army medic after his tour in Vietnam? Dak To.
Hilarious Medic Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about medic you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean doctor and nurse jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make medic pranks.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got my medical m**... card because I have terrible anxiety
over where I'm going to get my next bag of w**...
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said
"I have a s**... problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "t**... clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an e**... either."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
During a lady's medical examination...
The doctor says: "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Don't t**... clothes. Just stick out your tongue!"
Medical checkup
An elderly man goes to the doctor for his yearly medical checkup.
The doctor, a kindly man with a slight stutter, asks his patient:
"So, how's the prost-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-tate doing?"
The man thinks for a moment, then replies:
"Well... you could say I pee the way you speak."
What medication that can make people inspire you?
Aspirin
sorry guys
Two medical students are about to witness an autopsy for the first time...
One asks the other, "What do you think it'll be like?"
The other student shrugs and says, "Remains to be seen".
Why was the medicine man for bald eagles arrested?
He was selling ill-eagle drugs.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At a medical conference
Two African doctors were in an intense debate. The first said "It's wooooooooooooooommmbbbbb". The second said "no, it's woooooooooooooooommmbbaaaa." A British doctor overhears them and decides to help: "I think the word you are looking for is 'womb.'"
They both turn to him and say "Clearly, you've never heard a hippopotamus f**... underwater!"
What do you call an injured Confederate soldier that can't find a medic?
A rebel without a gauze.
Please Help! I've got a medical condition where I can't discern between the letter "b" and the letters "th".
Oops, wrong bread.
With medical advances over the Summer, it's expected that Oscar Pistorious will walk this August.
What medical specialty will start to experience large fluctuations in income from payers?
Eurology
MEDICAL MALPRACTICES
My medical bills are so high
That I got a thank you card from my Doctors kids' colleges
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What medicine do men take when their privates start hurting?
p**...-illin'
What medical device helps people that are uncomfortable looking at male genitalia?
A cockleer implant.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the medical term for a fat cow?
Morbidly o-beef
Medical prices these days are ridiculous
Why, something as simple as an amputation costs an arm and a leg.
Medication
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed To me has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
What do you call the medic in a K9 unit?
A dogtor.
What makes Mercy such a good medic?
It must be her high heals.
Paramedics
When one medic just isn't enough
Medical humour
Q. What do you call a white blood cell with one leg?
A. A limp-phocyte.
(You're welcome)
What medical condition are elderly bats most afraid of?
Incontinence.
The more medical students I met,
the less I trust doctors.
What medication would you take to treat Erectile Dysfunction?
MyCocksFloppin
What do medical examiners do for fun?
Crack open a couple of cold ones.
At a medical check up
Do you do dangerous sports?
Well, sometimes I talk back at my wife.
I wish there was a medicine that could cure procrastination
Eh, who am I kidding, I'd probably put off taking it.
My medical report for asthma is coming soon.
I'm waiting with bated breath.
Medical question?
My dad said he is going in for a hip replacement........is he having surgery or am I getting a cool new dad?
All medical problems are the suffers own problem.
Except arthritis, that's a joint problem.
What medication are Deer prescribed to help them sleep?
Bambien.
"Say, medic", says a soldier, "why do you always have to say 'I cannot wait'? Is that your battle cry or something?"
"If I could wait, I would not be medic.
I would be patient!"
Medicine
Jim walked up to Joe who was frantically jumping up and down. So he asked Joe, "what are you doing?" Joe said while jumping, "This bottle says to shake well before use!"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I think medical m**... is really good...
... for joints.
I'll see myself out.
I was once a medicine salesman, but I was soon fired.
I lost my job for not selling drugs.
As a paramedic, I've learned that there is something you can never say with a straight face:
I'm having a s**....
Had my medical license revoked today.
Being a medical professional is like being in a minefield. All it takes is one mistep and you can lose it all. I made a one-time mistake and slept with a patient. A co-worker heard her passionate crys and came to find us in the act. Embarrassing be as it was, I never expected to be the end of my career.
12 years wasted as a veterinarian.
Medical bills are expensive
but let's take comfort that it isn't like the civil war era. Doctors would charge an arm and a leg back than
Why couldn't the Medici family diversify their wealth?
Because in Renaissance times, stocks were bonds.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Soldier: My legs, my legs! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!
Medic: That's because your arms have been blown off.
I took my wife's medication this morning, just to see what the side effects were.
Funny, it didn't make me want to sleep with my best mate..
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's a medical miracle
A man is recovering from surgery after a car c**..., and he notices that both his hands are covered in casts. When a nurse comes to check on him, he asks "Will I be able to play piano after this?"
"Yes, the casts should come off in a few weeks, then you should be able to play."
"That's funny, I couldn't play piano before the accident."
Just got a new medication for my narcolepsy.
I'll let you know how well it
How does the medicine in a suppository get absorbed into the body?
Assmosis.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Medical assisted s**... is legal in Mexico now...
All you have to do is run for elected office.
I went to medical school with an incredibly ambitious guy who was obsessed with collecting skulls.
He'd do anything to get a head.
What medication are ants prescribed to deal with their low moods?
Anty depressants.
What's a medical doctor called, who is also part of a motorcycle club?
Health Angel
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I need a medical m**... card for my joint pain.
I'm always in pain when I'm out of joints.
What happens when you take medicine and homeopathic medicine at the same time?
Nothing. Doctors recommend taking pills with water anyway.
Take the medicines if fever reduces it means they involve fever medicine also.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Medical m**... isn't a new concept.
We've been using smoke to cure things for centuries.
What's the best medicine to cure a nymphomaniac?
The taste of wedding cake.
What is the medical term for a laxative?
A relaxative.
My medical knowledge and Spanish is pretty much the same.
Just enough to start a conversation that ends with me getting a rare disease.
What kind of European is a medic?
A health Czech
After trying many medications, my uncle learned he is only happy when his wife is miserable
He now only takes auntie depressants.
Dr Dre may not be a real medic...
...but he has performed hundreds of hip hop orations.
What does a pirate soldier say when he gets kicked in the groin?
Yar, medic!
Medical accidents are now the third leading cause of death in America.
And as it happens accidents are also the leading cause of life worldwide.
My first ever medical joke
Ferrous Bueller will never be able to get an MRI.
I have a medical condition where I'm allergic to only one type of pasta
It's called macaroni and sneeze
What do you call a tool used by a Polish combat medic?
A Warsaw
What medical procedure involves transgender gang members uniting as one?
A blood transfusion
Medical joke: Knock Knock
Who's there?
HIPPA
HIPPA who?
I wish I could tell you
There's a medicine you can buy that apparently cures scepticism.
But I'm not buying it.
The medical term for owning too many dogs....
Rover Dose.
I'm on medication for my Pokemon Go addiction.
Gotacachemol.
Did you know there's only one medical procedure where you *have* to leave a tip?
Circumcision.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Medical science has come a long way.
There's a tribe in Africa whose exposure to chemical runoff in the water from local mines created birth defects. One out of every three children are born with no eyelids. Volunteer doctors created a procedure where they take the f**... from new born males and create eyelids for those born without them. The procedure has been highly successful, although the children do look a little cockeyed.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
medical joke
What is the difference between an o**... and r**... thermometer?
The taste.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the medical term for an a**... transplant?
An election.
What medication does Putin take for his depression?
USSRIs
A medical student
A medical student walks into his favorite local bar and orders a beer. "I've finally decided what my practice will specialize in," the student tells the bartender. "It will be in the study and treatment of the diseases and disorders of the Adam's apple." "Is there some sort of fancy medical name for that specialty?" the bartender asks. "Yes," the student replies. "I'll be a guyneckologist."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you use medicine to assassinate an aunt?
Anti-Venom
Okay, so you want her alive, how do you just stop her fawning over you?
Anti-Dote
