Mechanical Engineer Jokes

One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car. All of a sudden, the car broke down.
The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke."
The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas."
The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system."
All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"
The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get back in."

Here is an actual list of aircraft problems reported by pilots at the end of the day for the mechanics to fix before takeoff the next day followed by the notes the mechanics left for the pilots to read the next morning.
(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire
(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.
He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.
The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"
The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."

Cardiologist and Motorcycle mechanic

A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a
Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take
a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc,
want to take a look at this?' The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over
to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc,
look at this engine. I opened its heart, take the valves out, repair any
damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like
new.

So how come I make $39,700 a year and you make $1,700,000 when you and I are
doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic...

'Try doing it with the engine running'

Three guys are about to be executed.

One's a lawyer, one's a priest, and one's an engineer.
They bring out the lawyer first, put him under the guillotine, and pull the lever, but the blade gets stuck halfway down. The lawyer goes, "Ah-ha! By pulling the lever, you have technically carried out the execution, which according to the sentence you can only do once. Trying again would constitute double jeopardy, which is unconstitutional. You have to let me go." Intimidated by this, the executioner frees him.
They bring out the priest next, put him under the guillotine. Again the blade gets stuck. The priest cries, "A miracle! God has reached down and spared my life. This is a sign that I am under His protection. You must free me at once, or incur the divine wrath." The executioner, a simple but God-fearing man, lets him go.
Finally they bring out the engineer. The executioner pulls the lever once again, and once again the blade stops halfway down. The engineer turns on his back and stares up at the guillotine, muttering under his breath. After a minute he calls the executioner over, points up at the mechanism, and says, "Well, there's your problem right there..."

Career Change

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and
paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skill-ful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist
prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You then put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

3 Engineers

Three engineers are driving down a country road. The engine shudders and stops, and the driver coasts the car onto the shoulder and puts the car into park.
They sit in silence for a moment before positing their theories--
The electrical engineer says, "This is definitely electrical. Probably a problem with the wiring harness--"
The mechanical engineer says, "No, no... the rattle of the engine tells me this is a combustion problem."
The software engineer replies, "Either way, the first thing we should do is get out of the car, close the doors, and get back in again..."

Three Engineers

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer are sitting around and talking about God.
The mechanical engineer says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Just look at the human body - a light-weight skeleton with moving parts holding up a massive frame of muscle and fat. God must be a mechanical engineer!"
The electrical engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is an electrical engineer. Just look at the human body - the nerve system routes electrical signals to the brain which is essentially a computer. God must be an electrical engineer!"
The civil engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is a civil engineer. Just look at the human body - only a civil engineer would run a toxic waste pipe through a playground."

Obstetrician career change

An Obstetrician decides that he's sick of his job and opts to become a car mechanic. For the next several months he attends night classes at his local technical college to gain his certification. A few months before the end of the curriculum, the entire class is informed that there will be a final individual exam that will constitute the majority of their grade and determine their certification status.
The day of the exam arrives and the obstetrician walks into the examination room to find three instructors and a car waiting for him. His task is to disassemble the engine, then reassemble it in the given time limit. The obstetrician does his best, though fears that he may have made a few mistakes.
A few weeks later he gets his results back and discovers he was awarded 150 points out of 100 on the test! He immediately rushes to his professor's office and asks about his score. The professor gives him a long look, then says,
"Well, the first 50 points you received were for correctly disassembling the engine, the next 50 points were for reassembling it, and we gave you 50 points of extra credit for doing it all through the muffler."

Penguin Needs Car Repairs

A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."
Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.
After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"
The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."
(Not sure if this has been posted)

So a penguin and a seal are in a car...

The penguin is driving. It's 105 degrees outside, and, being from the arctic, they want to get something to cool off. The seal suggests they get ice cream, so they find a nearby ice cream parlor. They're getting out of the car and the seal says, "Hey, something's wrong with the engine!" the penguin looks underneath the car, and sure enough there is a puddle of oil forming under the hot engine. Fortunately, they see a service station across the street. So, fighting the heat, they push the car to the shop and ask the mechanic to look at it while they go eat. By this time, the penguin and the seal are about ready to melt, so the penguin orders a huge bowl of ice cream. Unfortunately, he realizes that he cannot use a spoon. Abandoning all composure, the penguin buries his face in the ice cream, getting it all over himself. Meanwhile, the seal enjoys a shrimp basket. Finally, the two finish and go back to the mechanic. "Well," he says from under the hood, "it looks like you just blew a seal."
"Nope," replied the penguin, still wiping his face. "Just ice cream."

There's this penguin...

There's this penguin, driving through the South, the Deep South... late August. The hot months. "Ew! But it sure is hot!" the penguin lisped from behind the wheel of his choking jalopy.
Suddenly! The jalopy fails the penguin and he has to push it down a bumpy road to the next small town. He got out, and with all his strength in his weak flippers, he pushed the car over hill and dale.
"Whew!" he sighed.
As luck would have it, there was a mechanic in town, and he told the penguin that he'd have to spend some time with the car. "Why don't you come back in an hour or so?"
Wiping the sweat from his brow, the penguin espied an ice cream shoppe! "Hurray and yippy!" he cried! "I'll be back, toot sweet!" he said.
He ordered the tallest vanilla ice cream he could hold between his vestigial wings... those miserable fins could barely manage the scoops upon scoops of creamy goodness. The cone was so tall that more of it ended up on the penguin than in him!
"Yummy! That was very very good!" the penguin said, smacking his lips.
He waddled back to the mechanic who was ready to give the little fellow an update. The mechanic looked at the penguin sternly. The gaskets and seals on the engine were severely damaged after years of driving without a routine check, and it was certainly going to be expensive.
"Well, it looks like you blew a seal."
"Oh no, that's just ice cream!" the penguin said, wiping the ice cream from his chin.

Four engineers in a car...

Four engineers are driving to a conference when the car sputters and dies as they pull off to the shoulder. After a moment of silent contemplation, the electrical engineer says; "you know, I bet the coil's bad. We need to replace the core." The chemical engineer says; "you're nuts, it's obviously the fuel's gone bad. We need to drain the tank and refill." The mechanical engineer scoffs; "you're both wrong. Sounds to me like a valve lifter is froze. We're gonna need to rip the block apart."
After another moment of silence the three look back at the computer engineer who says; "maybe if we get out of the car and get back in?"

a penguin is driving through Texas when ...

... his car engine suddenly sputters and dies. close to a service station, he uses his momentum to roll up in front of the garage. he hops out and asks the mechanic to have a look. the mechanic obliges and says "give me 15 minutes". it being a hot day in Lubbock (naturally), the penguin gravitates to the baskin robbins across the street to get a vanilla ice cream. not having lips, the little guy enjoys his ice cream greatly but makes a bit of a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. after finishing, he walks back across the street to the service station. the mechanic says to him "looks like you blew a seal." the penguin replies, "oh no, that's just ice cream!"

What Engineer Designed The Human Body?

Four engineers are arguing over who designed the human body.
The mechanical engineer points to the ways the bones, the muscles, and the tendons are joined together and move so smoothly and efficiently, and claims it must have been a mechanical engineer.
The electrical engineer diagrams the central and peripheral nervous systems and maintains that it would take an electrical engineer.
The hydraulic engineer insists that only a hydraulic engineer could be responsible for the circulation of the blood and the secretions of the many glands.
They look to the civil engineer and he says, "Don't look at me. No civil engineer would ever put a sewer outlet next to a recreational area".

Why Businessmen earn more than engineers !

Our mechanic's professor's reasoning of
"Why businessmen earn more than engineers ! "
If we equate the two variables namely into the two field's general statements,
- Time is money
- Knowledge is power
We know,
- Power = Work / Time
Substitute the variables into the equation and we get,
- Knowledge = Work / money
Rearranging we get,
- money = Work / Knowledge
Proving that as Knowledge reaches 0 money reaches infinity. And so the smarter you are (engineers?) The less you earn.

Three engineers are riding in a car.

One is a mechanical engineer, one is an electrical engineer, and one is a computer engineer.
The car breaks down and coasts to the side of the road.
"Hang on," says the mechanical engineer. "The problem is probably the engine, let me have a look at it and I'll have us on the road again in no time."
"Wait," says the electrical engineer. "The way it just stopped like that, I think it's the electrical system. Let me have a look and I'll get us going again in a minute or two."
"Hold on," says the computer engineer. "Why don't we all just get out of the car and get in again, and then see if it starts?"

The price they charge to repair.

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with it running."

[text] The mechanic and the heart surgeon

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.
"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves, and put it all back together so it works good as new.. We basically do the same job don't we? And yet you are paid ten times what I am - how do you explain that?"
The surgeon thought for a moment, and smiling gently, replied,"Try it with the engine running.."

A penguin is driving his car...

A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

Lance Armstrong

I waited a whole semester to tell this joke to a bunch of engineers. My girlfriend at the time was an engineer and we would end up in the lab with friends all the time. Every now and then when they had to do hand drawn plans the conversational topic came up about mechanical pencils and pens and what drew really well, etc etc. So literally in the middle of the conversation I decide to add my two cents.
"Hey guys, you know if you're going to spend a bunch of money on nice pens and pencils you might as well support a charity."
Everyone bought into supporting a charity so on I went.
"Lance Armstrong just bought a pen company, and now all purchases contribute a percentage to support cancer research and the LIVESTRONG foundation."
And then someone asked "Which one?"
To which I replied "Uniball"
Classic.

An artist, an engineer, and a civil planner are arguing about God's occupation by observing the human body.

The artist says, "God is an artist. You only need to see the beautiful shapes of our muscles, the rich colors of our skin, the textures of our hair to see that."
The engineer says, "God is a engineer. You only need to see the wonders of the human body and its ability to grow and rebuild itself, the perfect mechanisms of its joints, its balance and speed and grace to see that."
The civil planner gives them the finger and says, "God is an accountant! That sumbitch cut the cost of materials in half by running a waste disposal plant through a pristine recreational area!"

A gynecologist decides to make a career change...

He always loved cars, and because he made so much money, salary really didnt matter to him. He decides to become a mechanic. He approaches his local shop and inquires about a job. "You need to get certified first" says the head mechanic, "ill give you the test myself, in the shop."
The doctor studies day and night and finally feels ready for his practical exam.
He comes in and is asked to fix the transmission and engine of a beaten down, old car.
After the test, he is seated in the office and the head mechanic comes in.
"Congratulations doctor, you scored 150 out of 100 points"
"im confused" the doctor says, "how did i get 150 out of 100"
"well..." the mechanic says "you fixed the engine perfectly, so thats 50. You also fixed the transmission perfectly, for another 50"
"Great! But where did the last 50 come from?"
"I gave you a bonus. You did it all through the exhaust pipe"

A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.
The mechanical engineer said, I think a rod broke.
The chemical engineer said, The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas.
The electrical engineer said, I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system.
All three turned to the computer engineer and said, What do you think?
The computer engineer said, I think we should all get out and then get back in.

Gynecologist that wants to be a mechanic.

My girlfriend's grandfather told me this beauty last night.
Bob no longer wants to be a Gynecologist and decides that a mechanic job would best suit him.
He attends a class on the basic of car repairs. After finishing the course Bob receives a grade of 150/100. Bob, confused, goes and takes to the instructor.
Bob: "Could you please break down the grade I received? I'm a little confused how I got 150%."
Instructor: "Well you get 50% for doing the undercarriage perfect! You get another 50% for doing the engine work perfect!"
Bob: "And what about the other 50%? Where did that come from?"
Instructor: "I gave you the extra points for being able to fix the carburetor through the muffler!"

A penguin is driving his car through Arizona...

His engine begins to shudder and overheat, so he pulls off at the nearest exit. As luck would have it, there is a small auto repair shop close to the exit. He drops his car off for the mechanic to inspect and notices an ice cream shop just across the street.
Mr. Penguin chooses a vanilla cone and due to his lack of suitable appendages, gets ice cream all over his face. Upon finishing his cone, he returns to the mechanic to pick up his car. As he approaches the shop the mechanic approaches him and exclaims, "Looks like you blew a seal!" to which Mr. Penguin replies, "Oh no! It's just ice cream, I swear!"

The Gynecologist had become

fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.
The day of the final exam came. The Dr had to completely rebuild an engine, which he did in record time. When the grades were posted, he was surprised to see that he had achieved a score of 125%. Curious, he spoke to his teacher.
"I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything but how can I have gotten a score above 100%?" he asked.
"Well" said the instructor, 'You took the engine apart perfectly, that accounts for 50% of the grade, you put it back together flawlessly, that accounts for 50% or the grade. The extra 25% is because never in my career have I seen that all done through a four inch exaust pipe!"

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona...

...and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.
The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream."

Doctor has a point.

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted
a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car
when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged,
and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing
basically the same work?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.

"Try doing it with the engine running."

If God were an engineer...

3 Engineers are sitting at the bar, having a conversation along the lines of "If God were an engineer, what kind of engineer would he be?"
The Mechanical Engineer: "Obviously he was mechanical. Look at the joints, the complex range of motion, the connective tissue. Mechanical Engineer for sure!"
The Electrical Engineer: "No way. Electrical. Look at that brain! All the nerves, neurons, every little electrical impulse that ties it together! Must've been Electrical!
The Civil Engineer: Takes a sip of his drink. "Nope. I can say for a fact that the human body was designed by a Civil Engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreation area?"

A gynecologist has a midlife crisis and takes night classes to become a mechanic...

She's really nervous the night of the final, so she studies real hard and hopes for the best.
When the grades are posted, she freaks out because her grade says 150% and she assumes it was an error, so she goes to see the instructor.
He explains it's no error.
"You took apart the engine perfectly, every nut, every bolt. You pulled it all apart without breaking anything. That got you 50%
Then you put it all back together perfectly. It actually ran better than before you started, so I gave you 50% for that.
You got a bonus 50% for doing it all through the muffler."

The Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Enginner

A Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Engineer were driving down a mountain when suddenly the car slides off the road and rolls down the Mountain. Amazingly none of the occupants had been hurt.
The Mechanical Engineer steps out and says hand me my Swiss army knife I will have this repaired in no time and we can be on our way.
The Project Manager says Wait Up, We need to set achievable goals, set a timeline and ensure we are all working with maximum efficiency to solve this problem.
The Software Engineer Just says "Wow! that is strange, lets push it back up and see if it happens again"

A group of engineering students were discussing the nature of God.

The first student asserts that God is an electrical engineer, because of all the complex information and control signals running around in our nervous system.
The second student explains that God is a mechanical engineer, because of all the different kinds of activities that the human body can be trained to perform.
The third student says that God is a Systems Engineer, because the human brain is essentially a self-programming neural net computer.
The fourth student then quietly states that God is really a civil engineer, because nobody else would run a septic system through a recreational area.