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Mechanic Jokes

128 mechanic jokes and hilarious mechanic puns to laugh out loud. Read professions jokes about mechanic that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for a laugh? Check out this collection of hilarious jokes – from knock-knocks to quick one-liners – that are sure to bring a chuckle to any mechanic, handyman or car enthusiast. Perfect for any mechanic apprentice, mechanic shop or even a mechanic's birthday or wedding. Get ready to get your pistons pumping and your carburetor running with these witty, mechanically-inspired jokes.

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Funniest Mechanic Short Jokes

Short mechanic jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mechanic humour may include short repairman jokes also.

  1. Son In iraq I killed 15 people. Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic
    Dad:Never said I was a good one
  2. My brother just broke the record by downing 22 Russian jets in Ukraine He'll forever be remembered as the worst mechanic in the Russian Air Force
  3. My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2 He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
  4. My Grandfather downed 35 German aircraft during WW2 He still holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
  5. My grandfather was responsible for 35 downed German planes in WWII. Still to this day he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
  6. Did you hear about the unfashionable mechanic? He needed to change attire.
    (I'm probably too proud of myself for making this one; someone's almost definitely done it before.)
  7. My car mechanic called me and said, You can pick up your car by 5 p.m. I said, I don't think I'll be strong enough by then.
  8. My grandpa destroyed 38 planes in WW2, killed 58 Germans. Literally the worst mechanic of the Luftwaffe
  9. During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots. He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.
  10. Engineers What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
    Mechanical engineers build weapons.
    Civil engineers build targets.

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Mechanic One Liners

Which mechanic one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mechanic? I can suggest the ones about engineer and mechanism.

  1. What does a mechanic do for a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.
  2. Mechanic: "When were your tires last rotated?" Me: "On the way here, silly."
  3. What kind of Mechanics fix and break your car at the same time? quantum Mechanics.
  4. Where does an atom go when it breaks down? A quantum mechanic.
    lel
  5. Why are mechanics absent fathers? Because they nut and bolt
  6. Why do babies make bad mechanics? They have poorly developed motor skills.
  7. What do mechanics call one night stands? Nuts & bolts
  8. How can you tell if a mechanic has gotten laid? He has one clean finger
  9. Who do you call to fix an atom? A quantum mechanic
  10. What does a mechanic do during a 1 night stand? He screws, nuts, and bolts
  11. Hear about the mechanic who refuses to pay prostitutes? He screws, nuts and bolts.
  12. My grandfather took down 23 planes in WWII He was the worst mechanic of the RAF
  13. What does a ISIS amusement park have as a safety mechanism? Allahu lap-bar.
  14. My grandfather destroyed 9 German planes He was the worst Luftwaffe's mechanic
  15. I told her I'm a mechanical engineer I can't fix her car, but I can screw, nut, and bolt.

Car Mechanic Jokes

Here is a list of funny car mechanic jokes and even better car mechanic puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it's fine.
  • [at auto mechanic] \[at auto mechanic\]
    MECHANIC: Can I help you?
    ME: My car won't start
    MECHANIC: Umm, that's a bicycle
    ME: Because my car won't start, are you even listening?
  • There used to be a mechanic shop in San Diego called Car Men Now we don't know where in the world it is
  • I brought my car to a mechanic and asked him, Do you have any idea why my car is humming? He replied, Probably because it doesn't know all the lyrics.
  • A woman takes her car to a mechanic and says "my car is making a horrible noise" The mechanic replied, "have you tried removing that Imagine Dragons CD?"
  • Piece of Dating Advice Do not date a car mechanic if you're looking for a long term partner. Typically, a mechanic just nuts and bolts.
  • A person walks into an auto shop and says I'd like a gas cap for my KIA.
    The car mechanic thinks for a few moments says, OK, that seems like a fair trade.
  • I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars. It was an auto body experience.
  • I have a quantum mechanic... He both repairs and doesn't repair my car at the same time, and I can never be certain of what the charge will be.
  • Did you hear about the mechanic who accidentally punctured the wheels of his car? He retired.

Mechanic Shop Jokes

Here is a list of funny mechanic shop jokes and even better mechanic shop puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you hear about the mechanic who had perfect pitch? He could always tell when a-flat rolled into the shop.
  • If you go to a mechanics shop to get laid but get caught do you screw, nut, and bolt?
Mechanic joke, If you go to a mechanics shop to get laid but get caught

Auto Mechanic Jokes

Here is a list of funny auto mechanic jokes and even better auto mechanic puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I'm an auto mechanic... So I can safely say I don't understand the gay agenda.
    But I do understand the Trans mission.
  • The auto mechanic put my car on the lift without asking me first. That's jacked up.
  • You hear about that mechanic who almost died? ... He had an auto-body experience
  • An auto mechanic is playing poker and gets dealt a bad hand. He sighs and says manifold :(
  • I don't understand Auto tune Neither does my mechanic
  • How can you tell when an auto mechanic jus had sext One of his fingers is clean!!
  • My auto mechanic offered to give me the good news first: "Your glove compartment and sun visors are in excellent condition."
  • How did the auto mechanic pass his class on government? He had all the right answers hon da' civics exam!
  • Why are auto mechanics flocking to San Francisco? They heard how often residents there tend to blow trannies.
  • After Scar was kicked out of the animal kingdom, he got a job fixing car horns at an auto mechanic. Beep repaired

Aircraft Mechanic Jokes

Here is a list of funny aircraft mechanic jokes and even better aircraft mechanic puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My great grandfather once destroyed 18 ww2 German aircrafts in one day. He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
  • My grandfather destroyed almost a hundred aircraft in World War Two! He must have been the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.
  • My great-grandad was personally responsible for bringing down over 30 German aircraft in WW2. All the other mechanics in the Luftwaffe never really liked him though.
Mechanic joke, My great-grandad was personally responsible for bringing down over 30 German aircraft in WW2.

Howlingly Hilarious Mechanic Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy

What funny jokes about mechanic you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean technician jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mechanic pranks.

Depressed race car mechanic.

Scene: a psychiatrists practice:
'Doc, I'm a mechanic I work for a racecar driver. It's utterly depressing ... I get to fix his car up, maintain it, tune it to perfection. But never -not once- have I been allowed to take it for a spin. It's crushing a depressing to think that such a wonderful thing is out there purring, but I'll never get to enjoy it. ...'
'Well sir, I think I understand just fine, my brother in law has the exact same problem.'
'Is he a mechanic too doc?'
'No, a gynecologist'

A penguin is having car trouble...

A penguin is having car trouble, so he stops by a mechanic's shop for some repairs. He tells him he will need about an hour to find out what's wrong. The penguin walks downtown and it's a hot day, so he stops to get some ice cream. He doesn't have any arms to eat the ice cream with, so he just sticks his beak right into it. The penguin returns to the shop and the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies "Nah man, it's just ice cream."

Three Engineers

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer are sitting around and talking about God.
The mechanical engineer says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Just look at the human body - a light-weight skeleton with moving parts holding up a massive frame of muscle and fat. God must be a mechanical engineer!"
The electrical engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is an electrical engineer. Just look at the human body - the nerve system routes electrical signals to the brain which is essentially a computer. God must be an electrical engineer!"
The civil engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is a civil engineer. Just look at the human body - only a civil engineer would run a toxic waste pipe through a playground."

Three engineering students.

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

My car started making this whining noise...

So I took it to the shop and had the mechanic look over it. Turns out all he had to do was take the Taylor Swift album out.
Sorry if this was a repost, I took a quick browse and didn't see it anywhere.

Why do you make more money?

A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?"
The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."

h**... and Stalin walk together in the afterlife

... they stop next two people and h**... tells Stalin: "Let me tell you of my plan: I am going to kill six million Jews and a mechanic.
one of the two people hear this and asks h**... "Why kill the mechanic?"
h**... turns to Stalin and says: "see? I told you nobody cares about the Jews"

Four engineers in a car...

Four engineers are driving to a conference when the car sputters and dies as they pull off to the shoulder. After a moment of silent contemplation, the electrical engineer says; "you know, I bet the coil's bad. We need to replace the core." The chemical engineer says; "you're nuts, it's obviously the fuel's gone bad. We need to drain the tank and refill." The mechanical engineer scoffs; "you're both wrong. Sounds to me like a valve lifter is froze. We're gonna need to rip the block apart."
After another moment of silence the three look back at the computer engineer who says; "maybe if we get out of the car and get back in?"

A penguin notices his car is leaking fluid...

so he takes it to the closest garage. Mechanic says he'll check it out, and to come back in a half hour. The penguin sees a Dairy Queen, strolls over, and buys himself a vanilla cone. Being a penguin, without hands, he makes quite a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. When he gets back to check on his car, the mechanic looks up, shakes his head, and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "Na, it's just ice cream."

A penguin was driving along...

A penguin was driving along when he smelled something burning. He took his car to a mechanic to get it checked out. The mechanic said "It'll be about an hour" so the penguin went walking around town. He stopped at an ice cream parlor and ordered a cone. The penguin tried eating the ice cream, but made a mess because of his flippers. He went back to the mechanic who had just got under his car. The mechanic rolled out from underneath and said "looks like you blew a seal". The penguin replied "no, it's ice cream".

A penguin has some car trouble...

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

Three Engineers are having an argument...

The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."
The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."
The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"

A misunderstanding

A girl is driving down the highway listening to the radio when a song comes on that she really, really likes. The DJ says the name of that song was "Hot lips and tender kisses." The girl says to herself I've got to buy that record. She pulls over and looks up the phone number for the nearest record store. She dials the number but makes a mistake while dialing and instead of calling a record store she has called an auto mechanic. The phone rings and the mechanic picks up the phone. The girl says, excitedly, "Do you have hot lips and tender kisses?" The mechanic is a little confused, but responds, "No, but I've got hot pants and seven inches." The girl responds, "Is that a record?" The mechanic says, "No, but it's better than average."

A software engineer, a chemical engineer and a mechanical engineer were riding along in a car.....

suddenly the car stopped. The mechanical engineer said "it must be a problem with the motor", the chemical engineer said "no it's most likely a fuel problem", then the software engineer said "maybe if we all get out, then get back in, it will start"

A penguin takes his car to the mechanic....

The mechanic tells him it'll take about an hour to fix. The penguin heads over to the 7-11 across the street to kill some time and have an ice cream. But because he has clumsy little flippers he gets the ice cream all over his beak.
When he goes back to the mechanic, the mechanic tells him, "well, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "no, that's just a bit of ice cream."

A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic

A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic. "Whenever I'm driving, I get these strange urges to run over pedestrians."
The mechanic has a look under the car. "Your alignment is off."

A gynecologist decides to make a career change...

He always loved cars, and because he made so much money, salary really didnt matter to him. He decides to become a mechanic. He approaches his local shop and inquires about a job. "You need to get certified first" says the head mechanic, "ill give you the test myself, in the shop."
The doctor studies day and night and finally feels ready for his practical exam.
He comes in and is asked to fix the transmission and engine of a beaten down, old car.
After the test, he is seated in the office and the head mechanic comes in.
"Congratulations doctor, you scored 150 out of 100 points"
"im confused" the doctor says, "how did i get 150 out of 100"
"well..." the mechanic says "you fixed the engine perfectly, so thats 50. You also fixed the transmission perfectly, for another 50"
"Great! But where did the last 50 come from?"
"I gave you a bonus. You did it all through the exhaust pipe"

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer are riding in a car...

when it breaks down. The mechanical engineer speaks up and says, "It must be the engine!" The electrical engineer says, "No, it must be the wiring." The software engineer finally speaks up and says, "Guys, guys... Let's just all get completely out of the car and then get back in."

A penguin is driving....

down the street when his car starts sputtering. He pulls into the next mechanics shop and asks him to take a look. mechanic says it will be about an hour. While waiting the penguin decides to go next door to the malt shop and get an ice cream cone. an hour later the penguin goes back to the mechanic.
the mechanic looks at him and says "looks like you blew a seal".
"oh no I just had some ice cream" said the penguin wiping his face.

Relativity theory

In classical (Newtonian) physics, we can't solve the three-body problem. In the theory of relativity, we can't solve the two-body problem. In quantum mechanics, we can't solve the one-body problem, and with quantum electro dynamics, we don't even understand the vacuum anymore.

n Eskimo was out for a drive

An eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and is forced to call a mechanic. Finally the mechanic arrives and he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he locates the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal, mate" to which the Eskimo hastily replies, "No I haven't! That's just frost on my moustache."

How can you tell a mechanic recently had s**...?

He has 1 clean finger.
src: heard on radio yesterday

How can you tell a mechanic just had s**...?

Two of his fingers are clean.

A Paladin goes into a mechanic's shop...

A paladin goes in to a mechanic's shop, and says "Hey, you've got to help me. Normally, I'm a perfect, upstanding paladin. I help old ladies cross the street, I tithe, I slay evil demons. But when I get in my car, I only have the urge to cause property damage and run people over. What's going on?"
The mechanic responds almost immediately. "Oh, yeah. What you've got there is a problem with your alignment."

Four engineers riding in a car -

it stalls. Mechanical engineer suggests a timing problem. Electrical engineer says bad spark. Chemical engineer offers poor fuel mixture. The computer engineer has no idea but "If we get out the car and get back in it may start

A car with 3 engineers and 1 computer scientist stalls on the freeway...

The mechanical engineer says: "lets check the carborator, it's probably the carborator"
The chemical engineer says: "its most likely the gas line, lets check that"
The electrical engineer says: "no, it has to be the car's circuts"
The computer scientist thinks for a minute and says: "lets all get out of the car and get back in"

The Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Enginner

A Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Engineer were driving down a mountain when suddenly the car slides off the road and rolls down the Mountain. Amazingly none of the occupants had been hurt.
The Mechanical Engineer steps out and says hand me my Swiss army knife I will have this repaired in no time and we can be on our way.
The Project Manager says Wait Up, We need to set achievable goals, set a timeline and ensure we are all working with maximum efficiency to solve this problem.
The Software Engineer Just says "Wow! that is strange, lets push it back up and see if it happens again"

Another penguin joke. n**...

A penguin takes his car in to a mechanic, and the mechanic tells him it will be an hour until he is ready. So the penguin decides to get an ice cream cone.
Penguins don't have opposable thumbs let alone fingers so he ends up with ice cream all over himself.
Later, he returns to the mechanic who says"I found the problem. It looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, I just ate some ice cream."

Cardiologist and the Mechanic

A cardiologist's car breaks down and he goes to a mechanic to get it fixed. After everything is done, the mechanic asks the cardiologist,
"Here's what I don't understand. I fix engines, and so do you, albeit human ones, so why do you get paid ten times more than I do?"
The cardiologist then turns the ignition on and says, "try it with the engine running."

Three engineers were discussing who could have been the architect of the human body.

The first said, "It definitely was a Mechanical Engineer, look at all the joints."
The second said, "Nah dude, it was an Electrical Engineer, look at all the electrical connections from the brain."
The third said, "Nope, only a Civil Engineer will run piping carrying sanitation waste right next to a recreational area."

Four engineers get into a car.. The car won't start

The Mechanical engineer says: "It's a broken starter".
The Electrical engineer says: "Dead battery".
The Chemical engineer says: "Impurities in the gasoline".
The IT engineer says: "Hey guys, I have an idea how about we all get out of the car and get back in".

A blond walks into a mechanic's shop.

She is concerned because her car has a lot of miles and nobody wants to buy it from her. The mechanic tells her that for a price, he can roll back the odometer. After she agrees, he does just that, telling her she can now sell her car. He blond says, "why would I do that? It has lower mileage now!"

My grandfather personally killed 30 German aviators during WW2

He was the s**... mechanic the luftwaffe had.

Three engineers are discussing what sort of god designed the human body.

The first says "god must be a mechanical engineer. Look at all these joints!"
The second says "nonsense! God must be an electrical engineer. The brain is made of millions of electrical connections!"
The third says "both of you are wrong! God must be a civic engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

My wife came home yesterday...

and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.
"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."

An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, and an IT admin are in a car that won't start.

Electrical Engineer: "It has to be the battery. Let's check that."
Mechanical Engineer: "No, I think it's the engine. Let's check that instead."
IT Admin: "How about this? Let's all get out of the car and get back in."

My father was an Allied war hero. He single-handedly destroyed 4 Messerschmitts, 9 Heinkel b**..., and 11 Stuka dive b**....

He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Did you hear about the Large Hadron Collider going down?

They are gonna have to bring in a quantum mechanic.

A mechanical, electrical, and civil engineer were discussing God.

The mechanical engineer said, God had to have been a mechanical engineer. Look at the skeleton and how it's designed.
The electrical engineer said, No, no, no. God was an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system and the way it works.
The civil engineer said, God had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a great recreational area?

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were having a drink after work

As they drank, the conversation turned to God. Obviously, he was an engineer! But what sort of engineer?
The mechanical engineer brought up the perfection of the human joints and musculature. Surely that proved God was a mechanical engineer!
The electrical engineer responded that, without the brains and nerves, those muscles and joints would be useless. God must be an electrical engineer!
The civil engineer just looked at the two of them and shook his head. "Who else but a civil engineer would put the sewer outflow right in the middle of the entertainment district?"

What do you call it when a mechanic has s**... with a girl and never sees her again?

Nut and bolt

A penguin is driving his car when it starts making noise . . .

He takes it to the auto shop, the mechanic says it'll take about an hour. So he goes to the ice cream shop across the street. Penguins love ice cream. He comes back and the mechanic says, "it looks like you blew a seal." Penguin says, "No, its just ice cream."

A penguin is driving to the mall...

All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.
He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.
The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"
The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."

A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down.

AAA (Antarctic Automobile Assn) tows it to the garage in the nearest town, where the mechanic says he has time to look at it, give him half an hour.
The penguin wanders down the street to an ice cream shop and decides to beat the heat with a cone of his favorite flavor, vanilla. Of course, being a penguin, with flippers instead of hands, as well as a beak, he makes a huge mess and gets ice cream all over his face. h**... goes back to the garage, where the mechanic tells him "looks like you blew a seal."
"No," says the penguin. "That's just ice cream."

Poor planning?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "it was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "no, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

My grandfather destroyed over 30 German planes in WW2...

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Heaven is a place where the police are English, the cooks are French, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian, and everything is organized by the Swiss...

h**..., on the other hand, is where the police are German, the cooks are English, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by the Americans.

Who designed the human body?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints!"
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through the recreational area?"

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Three Engineers are eating lunch together and arguing.

The mechanical engineer is adamant that God must be a mechanical engineer because the human body is so well designed. The software engineer is just as sure that God must be a software engineer as the human mind is the most sophisticated software in the known universe. Suddenly they stop arguing and look at the civil engineer, "you've been awefully quiet?"
"Well it's pretty obvious that God isn't a civil engineer. No civil engineer would combine a recreational area with a sewage treatment plant."

A blonde takes her car to her mechanic and tells him it's running rough.

After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly. "What's the story?" she asked. "Just c**... in the carburator," the mechanic replied. "How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.

I had no freaking idea!

I visited a local news website this morning and saw a picture of a good friend of mine on the front page with a title above saying, "A 34-year-old mechanic arrested for dealing drugs". I really thought I knew the guy, but I guess I was wrong. I mean, I've been a loyal customer of his for almost 7 years, and I had no idea that he was a mechanic!

Miss Joan asks her 3rd grade students what their parents do for a living

Emily happily raises her hand and say : "Daddy's a mechanic and Mommy is a teacher like you !"
Jason then replies : "Well, my dad is a chef and my mom is her accountant"
And so on, every child answers to their best until it is little Billy's turn, who suddenly bursts into tears.
Miss Joan asks him why he's crying so much and Billy wails : "my papa is dead !"
"Oh, Billy, I'm so sorry... But what did he do before dying ?"
"Well, he was like *arglhblargahrgablar*"

My mechanic tried to scam me because he didn't think I knew about cars

I took my car to get an oil change and they were like would you like us to rotate your tires? I was like Ummm. I rotated them a bunch on the way over j**...!

A Mechanical Engineer, a software engineer and a purchasing agent...

..are on their way to an industry event when their rental car gets a flat tire. The purchasing agent says
"We need to buy a new tire"
the mechanical engineer says
"no, I think I can fix this one"
and the software engineer says,
"let's drive on it for a while, maybe it'll fix itself."

A priest, a lawyer and an engineer are to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, the rope is pulled but nothing happens. He claims he has been saved by divine intervention and is released.
The lawyer puts his head on the block, but again, nothing happens, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and is set free.
The engineer places his head under the guillotine. He looks up at the release mechanism and says:
'Wait a minute, I see your problem...'

Three engineers were arguing.

The mechanical engineer, the electrical engineer, and the civil engineer. They were arguing about what sort of an engineer God must be.
"Well, God must be a mechanical engineer, because look at the human skeleton. Look at all the stress it's able to absorb."
"But look at the nervous system. Look at all the wiring. God must be an electrical engineer."
"Well, God must be a civil engineer, because only a civil engineer would run a liquid waste disposal unit right through a major recreational facility."

Have you heard about the gynecologist who quit his job?

Yeah so he became a mechanic.
Went to school and for the first test, he had to disassemble then reassemble an engine.
He got a %150. He got confused and asked his teacher how he got that grade.
Teacher says, "I gave you %50 for taking it apart, %50 for reassembling it and running it smoothly, and another %50 because you did it all through the exhaust."

A blonde called her car customer service saying she could only drive her car during the day. During the night, it didn't move at all.

A mechanic comes and after an inspection couldnt find anything wrong.
"You sure you put the right fuel?"
"Yup. Petrol"
Eventually, he asks her if shes using the right gears.
She says, "Of course, I'm not s**.... I'm using D during the day and N during the night"

God must be an engineer.

Three engineering students are discussing what sort of God
must have designed the human body. The first says, 'God must be a mechanical engineer.
Look at all the joints."
The second says,"I think God must be an electrical engineer. The nervous system has thousands of electrical connections." The third says, "Actually, God is a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

God the Engineer

Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is. The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex structures of the body!" The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer." The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he had to be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"

f**... director takes his hearse to the mechanic, "My car gets really bad mileage."

Mechanic says, "I'm sorry sir I don't think I can help, It's because of all the dead weight in the back."

Mechanic joke, f**... director takes his hearse to the mechanic, "My car gets really bad mileage."

jokes about mechanic