mechanic Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious mechanic puns

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.

He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.

The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"

The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."


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Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.

Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic

Dad:Never said I was a good one

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My grandfather personally killed 30 German aviators during WW2

He was the shittiest mechanic the luftwaffe had.

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The Lawyer's Car

A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!"

"You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman.

"Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked.

"HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said.

The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"

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A priest goes to the mechanic

He tells the mechanic, "hey, I just brought in my car last week, and since you guys worked on it, it's leaking oil all over my garage." The mechanic says, "my apologies father, we'll make sure we get it right this time, come back tomorrow, and we'll have it tip-top for you." The priest returns the following day, and he says, "well, how is it?" The mechanic says, "we found the issue. it was a loose oil filter, and it won't be leaking again because I screwed it in tighter than a nun's cunt." Solemnly, the priest looks the mechanic dead in the eye, and says, "better give it another quarter turn."

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The Gynecologist had become

fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.

The day of the final exam came. The Dr had to completely rebuild an engine, which he did in record time. When the grades were posted, he was surprised to see that he had achieved a score of 125%. Curious, he spoke to his teacher.

"I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth or anything but how can I have gotten a score above 100%?" he asked.

"Well" said the instructor, 'You took the engine apart perfectly, that accounts for 50% of the grade, you put it back together flawlessly, that accounts for 50% or the grade. The extra 25% is because never in my career have I seen that all done through a four inch exaust pipe!"

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My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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What does a mechanic do for a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts.

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My grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing a total of 32 Nazi aviators.

He was easily the worst aircraft mechanic the Luftwaffe has ever had.

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A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, I think a rod broke.

The chemical engineer said, The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas.

The electrical engineer said, I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system.

All three turned to the computer engineer and said, What do you think?

The computer engineer said, I think we should all get out and then get back in.

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My Grandad was a WWII veteran.

In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing 32 Nazi aviators.
Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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How can you tell a mechanic just had sex?

Two of his fingers are clean.

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Did you hear about the unfashionable mechanic?

He needed to change attire.

(I'm probably too proud of myself for making this one; someone's almost definitely done it before.)

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A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic

A Paladin takes his car to a mechanic. "Whenever I'm driving, I get these strange urges to run over pedestrians."

The mechanic has a look under the car. "Your alignment is off."

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Lawyer Joke(Not sure if repost)

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling. "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "Your a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! Your lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed "MY ROLEX!

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My car started making this whining noise...

So I took it to the shop and had the mechanic look over it. Turns out all he had to do was take the Taylor Swift album out.


Sorry if this was a repost, I took a quick browse and didn't see it anywhere.

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Why do you make more money?

A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?"

The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."

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A mechanic just recently died

... and not being a very religious man, gets sent to hell. Well, while in hell, the mechanic meets Satan, and he is shown the ins and outs of Hell.

While wandering, the mechanic starts doing the thing he's best at, fixing things. In a matter of weeks, Hell has air conditioning, working TV's and indoor plumbing, all being constantly maintained and improved by the mechanic.

Seeing this from heaven, God calls Satan over and demands to have the mechanic as Hell is supposed to be an awful place and shouldn't have any luxuries. Satan refused, and God threatened to sue him for the mechanic. Satan looks up and says, "where are you going to find a lawyer"

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My grandpa destroyed 38 planes in WW2, killed 58 Germans.

Literally the worst mechanic of the Luftwaffe

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During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.

He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.

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Cardiologist and the Mechanic

A cardiologist's car breaks down and he goes to a mechanic to get it fixed. After everything is done, the mechanic asks the cardiologist,

"Here's what I don't understand. I fix engines, and so do you, albeit human ones, so why do you get paid ten times more than I do?"

The cardiologist then turns the ignition on and says, "try it with the engine running."

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Wife told me this one today. How do you tell if a mechanic just had sex?

Two of his fingers are clean.

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Hitler and Stalin walk together in the afterlife

... they stop next two people and Hitler tells Stalin: "Let me tell you of my plan: I am going to kill six million Jews and a mechanic.

one of the two people hear this and asks Hitler "Why kill the mechanic?"

Hitler turns to Stalin and says: "see? I told you nobody cares about the Jews"

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Doctor has a point.

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted
a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car
when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged,
and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing
basically the same work?

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.

"Try doing it with the engine running."

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A gynecologist has a midlife crisis and takes night classes to become a mechanic...

She's really nervous the night of the final, so she studies real hard and hopes for the best.

When the grades are posted, she freaks out because her grade says 150% and she assumes it was an error, so she goes to see the instructor.

He explains it's no error.

"You took apart the engine perfectly, every nut, every bolt. You pulled it all apart without breaking anything. That got you 50%
Then you put it all back together perfectly. It actually ran better than before you started, so I gave you 50% for that.
You got a bonus 50% for doing it all through the muffler."

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A penguin takes his car to the mechanic....

The mechanic tells him it'll take about an hour to fix. The penguin heads over to the 7-11 across the street to kill some time and have an ice cream. But because he has clumsy little flippers he gets the ice cream all over his beak.
When he goes back to the mechanic, the mechanic tells him, "well, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "no, that's just a bit of ice cream."

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A penguin is driving when he sees a check engine light on. He takes his car to the mechanic and then goes for ice cream.

A penguin is driving when he sees a check engine light on. He takes his car to the mechanic and then goes for ice cream. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says It looks like you blew a seal. No no, the penguin replies, it's just vanilla ice cream. ο»Ώ

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What do you call a Amish man with his arm up a horses arse

A mechanic

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What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?

A Mechanic.

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A penguin is driving through the desert

The car begins to lurch and smoke pours from the hood. The penguin stops at a small gas station on the side of the otherwise desolate road. Luckily, a mechanic is available. "Give me a few minutes and I'll let you know what I find out" he tells the stranded penguin. So the penguin heads inside the gas station's market and buys an ice cream. He steps outside to eat it. The hot desert sun begins to melt the ice cream faster than the penguin can consume it. It makes a mess. The mechanic returns to the penguin, looks at him, and says "well, it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin responds "oh no, that's just ice cream."

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This penguin was driving cross country, when suddenly his car starts to smoke.

This penguin was driving cross country, when suddenly his car starts to smoke. he pulls into a small town and leaves his car with the local mechanic. The mechanic tells him it will be done in about 3 hours and he should go wander the town for a while. So the penguin wanders around, checking a few stores, and then getting ice cream. He checks his watch and realizes it had been 3 hours already. When he gets back, the mechanic tells him "Looks like you just blew a seal". The penguin quickly wiped his beak, embarrassed and replied "No no, I swear it's just ice cream!"

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A mechanical, electrical, and civil engineer were discussing God.

The mechanical engineer said, God had to have been a mechanical engineer. Look at the skeleton and how it's designed.

The electrical engineer said, No, no, no. God was an electrical engineer. Look at the nervous system and the way it works.

The civil engineer said, God had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a great recreational area?

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How can you tell a mechanic recently had sex?

He has 1 clean finger.




src: heard on radio yesterday

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A blond walks into a mechanic's shop.

She is concerned because her car has a lot of miles and nobody wants to buy it from her. The mechanic tells her that for a price, he can roll back the odometer. After she agrees, he does just that, telling her she can now sell her car. He blond says, "why would I do that? It has lower mileage now!"

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My father was an Allied war hero. He single-handedly destroyed 4 Messerschmitts, 9 Heinkel bombers, and 11 Stuka dive bombers.

He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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A penguin is having car trouble...

A penguin is having car trouble, so he stops by a mechanic's shop for some repairs. He tells him he will need about an hour to find out what's wrong. The penguin walks downtown and it's a hot day, so he stops to get some ice cream. He doesn't have any arms to eat the ice cream with, so he just sticks his beak right into it. The penguin returns to the shop and the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies "Nah man, it's just ice cream."

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Career Change

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and
paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skill-ful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist
prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You then put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

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What do you call a man with his hand up a horses ass?

An Amish mechanic.

A favorite from Robin Williams

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A penguin is driving to a job interview...

A penguin is driving to a job interview when suddenly he sees smoke coming from the hood of his car. Stressed and angry because he might be late, he pulls into an autoshop. The mechanic assures him: "Don't worry, these things are usually easy to fix. Go across the street and get yourself a coffee, come back in five minutes, and I should have it fixed." So the penguin, already keyed up, doesn't think coffee is a good idea, but crosses the street and buys a vanilla ice cream cone. Being a penguin, with only flippers, the ice cream goes all over his face and chest. Now the penguin is really angry, late for his interview and all messy. He returns to the mechanic, who looks up from the car and says "it looks like you blew a seal".

The penguin says: "No no, it's just ice cream."

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What do you call an Amish person sticking his hand up a horse's ass?

A mechanic

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An electrician, a cobbler, and a mechanic

I asked an old man why he was sitting by himself in a bar. He told me, "If you replace a light bulb, it doesn't mean that you're an electrician. If you fix a shoe, it doesn't mean that you're a cobbler. And, if you change your oil, it doesn't mean you're a mechanic. But, if you fuck one goat..."

*edit - I derp'd (your vs. you're)

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A penguin is driving....

down the street when his car starts sputtering. He pulls into the next mechanics shop and asks him to take a look. mechanic says it will be about an hour. While waiting the penguin decides to go next door to the malt shop and get an ice cream cone. an hour later the penguin goes back to the mechanic.
the mechanic looks at him and says "looks like you blew a seal".
"oh no I just had some ice cream" said the penguin wiping his face.

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A Paladin goes into a mechanic's shop...

A paladin goes in to a mechanic's shop, and says "Hey, you've got to help me. Normally, I'm a perfect, upstanding paladin. I help old ladies cross the street, I tithe, I slay evil demons. But when I get in my car, I only have the urge to cause property damage and run people over. What's going on?"

The mechanic responds almost immediately. "Oh, yeah. What you've got there is a problem with your alignment."

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This penguin is driving around

when his car breaks down. He brings it to the local mechanic, a walrus. The walrus says it'll be a while, so he might as well get something to eat. The penguin decides to get some ice cream, because penguins love ice cream. But penguins are also very messy eaters. He gets this ice cream all over his face. After two or three cones, he goes back to the walrus to check on his car.
"how's it looking" asks the penguin.
"It looks like you blew a seal." says the walrus.
"What! No man, it's just some ice cream."

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A penguin is driving down a desert road...

when his car begins to sputter. He pulls over into a service station and leaves his car with the mechanic. The penguin goes into a nearby ice cream shop and buys a vanilla ice cream cone to try and beat the heat. It's so hot outside that the ice cream begins to melt all over his hands and face as he eats it, leaving a mess. When he's finished his ice cream, he goes back to the service station to check on his car. The mechanic tells him "All fixed. Looks like you just blew a seal". The penguin replies, "No, it's just ice cream".

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I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a...

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a doctor because he'll treat her better.

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a banker because he's a better long term investment.

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a mechanic because he'll know how to service her undercarriage.

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a UPS deliveryman because he'll have a bigger package

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a sniper because he'll always want to take her out.

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a trucker because he's in for the long haul.

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a town water inspector since he'll treat her well.

I'm always afraid my wife will leave me for a midget because he under stands.

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Penguin's car breaks down

It's a hot day and a penguin is driving his car around when it suddenly breaks down. He takes it to a mechanic who says it will be an hour before he'll know what's wrong with the thing. Now, Penguins do not like heat, so he decidesο»Ώ to go get some vanilla ice cream. Flippers however are not good at handling ice cream cones, so he ends up making a big mess.ο»Ώ when he goes back to check on his car the mechanic says, "Looks like you blew a seal." Penguin says, "No you don't understand, that's just ice cream"

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Penguin Needs Car Repairs

A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."

Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.

After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"

The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."

(Not sure if this has been posted)

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Another penguin joke. nsfw

A penguin takes his car in to a mechanic, and the mechanic tells him it will be an hour until he is ready. So the penguin decides to get an ice cream cone.

Penguins don't have opposable thumbs let alone fingers so he ends up with ice cream all over himself.

Later, he returns to the mechanic who says"I found the problem. It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin says, "No, I just ate some ice cream."

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A penguin was driving along...

A penguin was driving along when he smelled something burning. He took his car to a mechanic to get it checked out. The mechanic said "It'll be about an hour" so the penguin went walking around town. He stopped at an ice cream parlor and ordered a cone. The penguin tried eating the ice cream, but made a mess because of his flippers. He went back to the mechanic who had just got under his car. The mechanic rolled out from underneath and said "looks like you blew a seal". The penguin replied "no, it's ice cream".

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A penguin goes on holiday...

A penguin goes on holiday to the desert. He's driving happily along in his car when it breaks down. Luckily, the car makes it to a service stop with a mechanic. So he asks the mechanic to have a look and the mechanic tells him it will be half an hour. Happy with this, the penguin goes to get an ice cream. Unfortunately, because he has flippers, he makes a right mess of the ice cream and gets it every where.

After his ice cream, he goes back the mechanic. As he walks into the garage, the mechanic says to him "looks like you've blown a seal" to which the penguin replies "damn is it all over my face?"

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Depressed race car mechanic.

Scene: a psychiatrists practice:


'Doc, I'm a mechanic I work for a racecar driver. It's utterly depressing ... I get to fix his car up, maintain it, tune it to perfection. But never -not once- have I been allowed to take it for a spin. It's crushing a depressing to think that such a wonderful thing is out there purring, but I'll never get to enjoy it. ...'


'Well sir, I think I understand just fine, my brother in law has the exact same problem.'


'Is he a mechanic too doc?'


'No, a gynecologist'

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Did you hear about the Large Hadron Collider going down?

They are gonna have to bring in a quantum mechanic.

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Where does an atom go when it breaks down?

A quantum mechanic.

lel

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The Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Enginner

A Mechanical Engineer, Project Manager and the Software Engineer were driving down a mountain when suddenly the car slides off the road and rolls down the Mountain. Amazingly none of the occupants had been hurt.

The Mechanical Engineer steps out and says hand me my Swiss army knife I will have this repaired in no time and we can be on our way.

The Project Manager says Wait Up, We need to set achievable goals, set a timeline and ensure we are all working with maximum efficiency to solve this problem.

The Software Engineer Just says "Wow! that is strange, lets push it back up and see if it happens again"

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n Eskimo was out for a drive

An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and is forced to call a mechanic. Finally the mechanic arrives and he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he locates the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal, mate" to which the Eskimo hastily replies, "No I haven't! That's just frost on my moustache."

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A gynecologist decides to make a career change...

He always loved cars, and because he made so much money, salary really didnt matter to him. He decides to become a mechanic. He approaches his local shop and inquires about a job. "You need to get certified first" says the head mechanic, "ill give you the test myself, in the shop."

The doctor studies day and night and finally feels ready for his practical exam.

He comes in and is asked to fix the transmission and engine of a beaten down, old car.

After the test, he is seated in the office and the head mechanic comes in.

"Congratulations doctor, you scored 150 out of 100 points"

"im confused" the doctor says, "how did i get 150 out of 100"

"well..." the mechanic says "you fixed the engine perfectly, so thats 50. You also fixed the transmission perfectly, for another 50"

"Great! But where did the last 50 come from?"

"I gave you a bonus. You did it all through the exhaust pipe"

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A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer are riding in a car...

when it breaks down. The mechanical engineer speaks up and says, "It must be the engine!" The electrical engineer says, "No, it must be the wiring." The software engineer finally speaks up and says, "Guys, guys... Let's just all get completely out of the car and then get back in."

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What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

A mechanic

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[NSFW] A penguin goes to the car mechanic...

...to figure out why his truck keeps making such weird noises as he goes down the highway. When he arrived, the mechanic said that he'd take a look and it'd be about a half hour wait.

"Well that's okay," the penguin muttered to himself as he walked out of the shop, "I can find something to do for half an hour." He came across an ice cream shop and decided that there was no better way to spend his time than eating ice cream. Having flippers instead of fingers made enjoying the ice cream difficult, and by the time he was finished, a perfect half hour later, he had vanilla ice cream all over himself. Face, beak, flippers, belly-- everywhere.

He waddled back to the mechanic, right on time. "So what do you think?" The penguin asked.

The mechanic scooted out from under the car and, looking at the penguin, cleared his throat. "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."

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How can you tell if a mechanic has gotten laid?

He has one clean finger

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A penguin notices his car is leaking fluid...

so he takes it to the closest garage. Mechanic says he'll check it out, and to come back in a half hour. The penguin sees a Dairy Queen, strolls over, and buys himself a vanilla cone. Being a penguin, without hands, he makes quite a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. When he gets back to check on his car, the mechanic looks up, shakes his head, and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin replies, "Na, it's just ice cream."

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What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

A mechanic!

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A penguin has car trouble and calls a mechanic

The mechanic arrives and says, "Not exactly sure what the problem is, I'll probably need 30 minutes before I can give an accurate diagnostic"

So the penguin walks down the street and buys an ice cream cone, sits on a bench outside and while he's eating the ice cream cone he falls asleep, getting ice cream all over his stomach. He wakes up an hour later and sprints off to his car and mechanic.

"Sorry I'm late!", says the penguin.

"Well, looks like you blew a seal", the mechanic says

"What? No I was just eating ice cream" replies the penguin.

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A co-worker is selling her car...

She tells me, "The problem is my car has over 150,000 miles so no one will give me more than $6,000 for it, and I need at least $10,000 to get a new car."

I fill her in: "I have a friend who is a car mechanic. He can 'fix' your mileage issue. You'll have a new car in no time."

So I get her car on a Friday to give it to my buddy for the weekend. I get it back to her with only 75,000 miles on the odometer.

"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!" she exclaimed.

"It was easy! So, how much are you going to sell it for?" I ask.

"Why would I sell it now? It only has 75,000 miles on it."

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A penguin's car breaks down

So he takes it to the mechanic. The mechanic tells him that its going to be a couple of hours until he can get to it. "Oh man," the penguin replies. "It's too hot here for me, I'm a penguin after all." The mechanic tells him there is a grocery store across the street, maybe he can wait there. So the penguin goes to the grocery store, and crawls into the freezer. "This is great!" The penguin exclaims, "so nice and chilly." He then proceeds to relax, eat some ice cream and take a nap. After a few hours he returns to the mechanic.
"Did you figure out what was wrong with my car?"
"It looks like you blew a seal."
"Oh no, this is just ice cream."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

[at auto mechanic]

\[at auto mechanic\]

MECHANIC: Can I help you?

ME: My car won't start

MECHANIC: Umm, that's a bicycle

ME: Because my car won't start, are you even listening?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I'm an auto mechanic...

So I can safely say I don't understand the gay agenda.

But I do understand the Trans mission.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How can you tell an auto mechanic just had sex?

One of his fingers is clean

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Russian Americans on chess (true story)

I was working with a Russian bike mechanic named Dmitri when my friend who came into the shop frequently started dating someone who was extremely good at chess. The chess player came into the shop one day so I said to Dmitri "Hey, Dmitri, you play chess don't you?"

"No. No, no not play chess."

"What do you mean 'not play chess'? I thought you all were supposed to be good at that kinda thing."

"No, no, prefer checkers"

"Checkers?! Why don't you like chess, Dmitri?"

"Because! If smart good at chess, not be bike mechanic! And when bored play chess fall asleep and (he slumps forwad) *pop* out your eye! Checkers only bruises."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So a penguin is driving along one day...

... and has engine trouble. So he stops at an autoshop and they get to work on his car. It's a rather hot day, so he walks over to the convenience story and buys an ice cream cone.

As he's finishing the cone, the mechanic walks over to him and says "Looks like you blew a seal."

"No no!" he cries, "It's just ice cream!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What does a mechanic do during a 1 night stand?

He screws, nuts, and bolts

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How can you tell a mechanic has gotten lucky?

He's got one clean finger!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A penguin takes a road trip

A penguin decided to take a road trip. Halfway through, his car breaks down and he gets it towed to the nearest mechanic. The mechanic tells him it will take about 20 minutes to diagnose the problem, so the penguin decides to walk around a bit and check out the small town. It's hot out, and being a penguin, he's used to cooler weather, so he stops and buys himself a huge ice cream cone. He's eating the ice cream as fast as he can as he's walking around, but it's hot out, and a lot of it melted all over his hands and face. 20 minutes go by, and he heads back to the mechanic. When he gets there, the mechanic says "Well, it looks like you blew a seal", and the penguin says "Nah, man, that's just some ice cream"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

One day an auto mechanic was working under a car...

and some brake fluid accidentally dripped into his mouth.

"Wow," he thought to himself. "That stuff tastes good!"

The next day he told a friend about his amazing discovery.

"It's really good," he said. "I think I'll have a little more today."

His friend was concerned but didn't say anything. The next day the mechanic told his friend he'd drunk an entire cup full of the brake fluid.

"It's great stuff!"

A few days later he was up to a bottle a day. And now his friend was really worried.

"Don't you know brake fluid is toxic? It's very bad for you," said the friend. "You'd better stop drinking it."

"Hey, no problem," he said. "I can stop any time."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Ice cream

A penguin was having car trouble and decided to take it in to the shop. When the mechanic told him it would be a while he decided to walk around and do some shopping. After a bit he stopped off for an ice cream cone. Finally, he heads back to the auto shop. "Looks like you blew a seal." says the mechanic. "no" replied the penguin, "it's just a little ice cream."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Penguin.

A penguin goes to get his car fixed at the mechanics on a hot day. Mechanic tells penguin it will be a while, so the penguin goes to the shop across the road and get some yummy vanilla icecream. The penguin returns to the mechanic and the mechanic says "looks like you've blown a seal.". the penguin replies "no it's only icecream."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Did you hear about the mechanic who was addicted to brake fluid?

He said he could stop at anytime.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A gynecologist decided to become a mechanic...

He graduated mechanic school with a 5.2 gpa and asked his teacher how that was possible.

The teacher said "Well, you aced the written exam thats half. Then you reassembled the motor perfectly, and we had to give you the extra credit when you did it all through the Muffler"!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?

Mechanic.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

[text] The mechanic and the heart surgeon

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."

"Yes?.." says the surgeon.

"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves, and put it all back together so it works good as new.. We basically do the same job don't we? And yet you are paid ten times what I am - how do you explain that?"

The surgeon thought for a moment, and smiling gently, replied,"Try it with the engine running.."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Hear about the mechanic who refuses to pay prostitutes?

He screws, nuts and bolts.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The local mechanic was arrested for being a drug dealer.

I've been his customers for 4 years and I never knew he was a mechanic.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Piece of Dating Advice

Do not date a car mechanic if you're looking for a long term partner. Typically, a mechanic just nuts and bolts.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A businessman is driving to an important meeting when his car breaks down...

Luckily, he breaks down near a mechanic, who agrees to tow his truck and fix it for him. However, the it would take awhile to fix, the businessman was going to be late if he didn't get going soon. Luckily, the mechanic had a donkey he was willing to lend to the businessman.

"There's only two things you need to know. To make him go, say 'Thank goodness'. To make him stop, say 'Woah'."

The businessman thanked the mechanic, put his briefcase in the saddlebag, and shouted "Thank goodness".

Now, the donkey quickly got into a regular rhythm, and the businessman, tired for lack of sleep, soon feel asleep. He awoke sometime later to see the donkey idiotically careening towards a cliff. "WOAH" he shouted, and the donkey started to slow down. Just at the edge of the cliff, the donkey comes to a full stop.

"Phew," the man said "Thank goodness"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I never knew my mechanic was a psychic

until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Mechanic who worked in Antarctica.

A penguin is driving along one day and his car starts making this really strange sound. So, he pulls into the first gas station he sees, jumps out of his car, runs up to the mechanic and says: "I need for someone to look at my car! There's something wrong with it!"

1 The mechanic looks at him and says "Well I can do that but you'll have to wait about 20 minutes or so." The penguin looks across the street and notices an ice cream shop! So he says "OK I'll be back."

He tosses him his keys runs across the street and has a big ol' bowl of ice cream. He comes back, looks at the mechanic and says "Did you figure out what's wrong with my car?" "Well" replies the mechanic "looks like you blew a seal." The penguin quickly wipes off his face and says "OH NO, that's just ice cream!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Cardiologist and Motorcycle mechanic

A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a

Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.



The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take

a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc,

want to take a look at this?' The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over

to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.



The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc,

look at this engine. I opened its heart, take the valves out, repair any

damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like

new.



So how come I make $39,700 a year and you make $1,700,000 when you and I are

doing basically the same work?'



The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic...



'Try doing it with the engine running'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A penguin's car breaks down..

So he goes to the nearest mechanic. The mechanic told the penguin that it'll be a little while until he figures out the problem. The penguin notices one of his favorite ice cream places down the road and decides to go grab a vanilla cone.

The penguin finishes his ice cream and heads back to the mechanic.

The penguin asks the mechanic if he has found the problem. The mechanic replies with "Well, it looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin then replies "No no no! I was just eating ice cream down the street I swear!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

a penguin is driving through Texas when ...

... his car engine suddenly sputters and dies. close to a service station, he uses his momentum to roll up in front of the garage. he hops out and asks the mechanic to have a look. the mechanic obliges and says "give me 15 minutes". it being a hot day in Lubbock (naturally), the penguin gravitates to the baskin robbins across the street to get a vanilla ice cream. not having lips, the little guy enjoys his ice cream greatly but makes a bit of a mess, getting ice cream all over himself. after finishing, he walks back across the street to the service station. the mechanic says to him "looks like you blew a seal." the penguin replies, "oh no, that's just ice cream!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A penguin is driving his car through Arizona...

His engine begins to shudder and overheat, so he pulls off at the nearest exit. As luck would have it, there is a small auto repair shop close to the exit. He drops his car off for the mechanic to inspect and notices an ice cream shop just across the street.

Mr. Penguin chooses a vanilla cone and due to his lack of suitable appendages, gets ice cream all over his face. Upon finishing his cone, he returns to the mechanic to pick up his car. As he approaches the shop the mechanic approaches him and exclaims, "Looks like you blew a seal!" to which Mr. Penguin replies, "Oh no! It's just ice cream, I swear!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Penguin took his car to the shop

A penguin was driving along when he smelled something burning. He took his car to a mechanic to get it checked out.

The mechanic said it'll be about an hour so the penguin went walking around town. He stopped at an ice cream parlor and ordered a cone. The penguin tried eating the ice cream, but made a mess because of his flippers.

He went back to the mechanic who had just got under his car. The mechanic rolled out from underneath and said, "Looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin replied, "No, it's just ice cream."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I know the feeling...

An auto mechanic in the hospital was chatting nervously with his surgeon while being prepped for an operation. "Sometimes I wish I'd gone into your line of work," he told the doctor. "Everything you doctors do is so cut and dried and tidy. With me, I spend half a day taking an engine apart and putting it back together, and it seems like I always have a couple of parts left over."

"Yes," said the surgeon. "I know the feeling."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Gynecologist that wants to be a mechanic.

My girlfriend's grandfather told me this beauty last night.


Bob no longer wants to be a Gynecologist and decides that a mechanic job would best suit him.

He attends a class on the basic of car repairs. After finishing the course Bob receives a grade of 150/100. Bob, confused, goes and takes to the instructor.


Bob: "Could you please break down the grade I received? I'm a little confused how I got 150%."


Instructor: "Well you get 50% for doing the undercarriage perfect! You get another 50% for doing the engine work perfect!"


Bob: "And what about the other 50%? Where did that come from?"


Instructor: "I gave you the extra points for being able to fix the carburetor through the muffler!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Penguin experiencing car trouble

Hot summer day and Mr. Penguin's car breaks down. Takes it to the body shop, and Joe Mechanic tells him to give him half an hour to look it over, and then come back.

To kill some time, Mr. Penguin goes to the local ice cream parlor. After finishing his tasty, frosty treat, he goes back to the body shop.

"Well," says the mechanic, "looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," says the penguin -- "It's just ice cream."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A penguin is on a road trip and his car breaks down

He pulls off to the nearest mechanic to get it looked at, and the mechanic tells him it's gonna be about an hour before he knows anything. So the penguin decides to walk a couple blocks to a shopping center.

It's really hot in this place and the penguin's not used to that at all, so he starts looking for ways to cool off. He sees a Baskin Robbins and decides to go in and get himself an ice cream cone. He goes outside and sits down to enjoy it, and it's delicious. The heat starts to melt it and he gets ice cream all over himself, but he doesn't care because it's cold and reminds him of home. He's happy as can be, just licking away and making a total mess of himself, until the cone is gone and he realizes it's almost time to get his car back.

So he goes back to the mechanic, the guy has just finished up and the penguin asks, "Well, what was the problem?" The mechanic replies "It looks like you just blew a seal."

The penguin is shocked and cries, "No it's just ice cream, I swear!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Seals

A penguin is driving along in his car when it breaks down. Fortunately, there's a mechanic nearby and the car can be repaired.

While the car is in the garage, the penguin decides to waddle to the town to get a vanilla ice-cream. He eats it but forgets to wipe his mouth.

When he returns to the garage, the mechanic says "I think you blew a seal". The penguin replies "Nope, that's just ice-cream!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A penguin is driving through the desert...

and all of a sudden his car breaks down. He takes it to a nearby shop. The penguin leaves the car at the shop and goes to get ice cream. The clumsy little penguin spills ice cream all over himself. Suddenly, he remembers his car at the shop. He quickly runs back without cleaning the ice cream off of himself. Once at the shop, the penguin checks in with the mechanic.

"Looks like you blew a seal." the mechanic says.

"No- I was just eating ice cream." the penguin replied.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How can you tell when a mechanic just had sex?

One of his fingers is clean

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So a penguin is driving down the road..

.. When his car starts to make funny noises. The penguin gets a little worried, and decides to go to the nearest mechanic. He sees the auto-shop just down the road, and pulls into the garage. He asks the mechanic to check his car out and the mechanic says "Sure, come back in half an hour or so." So the penguin is sitting in the waiting room patiently and notices an ice cream parlour. He goes and buys himself a cone. He's about half done when he realizes his time is up. The penguin rushes the rest of his cone, and makes a huge mess; getting it all over his face. When he gets back, he looks at the mechanic and says "So, is it serious?" The mechanic replies "Nope, it looks like you just blew a seal." To which the penguin replies "No, no. It's just ice cream!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A blonde pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.

After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.

"What's the story?" she asked.

"Just crap in the carburator," the mechanic replied.

"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blonde.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Brake Fluid

A mechanic was working under a car when some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. At first he spit it out, but he found that the aftertaste was not tha bad. He continued working under the car when some more brake fluid found its way into his mouth. This time he swallowed. He really liked the taste of brake fluid! Soon enough, his coworkers found him drinking brake fluid from a cup in the shop. "I don't think that's safe" a concerned coworker pleaded. "You should not be drinking anymore brake fluid, dude" another said. "Don't worry" the mechanic assured them, "I can stop anytime!".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An Italian fella

Big Lorenzo, an Italian fella, is bragging to his friends about his sons: "I'ma so prouda my oldest son. He maka fifty thousand dollar evra year. Hesa Engineer!" "I even more prouda ma second son. He maka five hundred thousand dollar a year. Hesa Doctor!" "But, I'ma da proudest a ma youngest son. He maka Five million dollar a year. Hesa Sports Mechanic!" Paolo, his friend asks: "What's a Sports Mechanic?" Lorenzo replies: "Wella, he can fixa everytin. He fixa da horseraces, he fixa da boxin match......."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A penguin brings his car into the shop

The mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out, so the penguin walks to 7-11 and buys an ice cream to kill the time. Since the poor guy's got no hands, he gets the ice cream all over his beak. When he's done he walks back into the shop, and the mechanic tells him "Well, it looks like you blew a seal." Penguin says "No, that's just a little ice cream"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How can you tell if a mechanic has an active sex life?

One of his fingers is perfectly clean.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So four guys are driving in a car..

And suddenly the car stops. The first guy is a chemists and suggests it could be a chemical problem and that they may be out of gas, the second guy is an electrician and says he believes it could be something with the spark plugs and that they should check that, the third guy is a mechanic and says he thinks it could be the engine and that it needed to be looked at, the last guy is an IT worker and suggests that they all get out of the car, then back in, and shut the doors then try again.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A penguin is driving down the highway when he starts having engine problems.

He pulls into a local mechanic's and the mechanic says, Give me an hour and I'll let you know the problem. The penguin walks out and see an ice cream shop and goes in for a vanilla cone.
An hour later, he walks back to the mechanic's. The mechanic see him coming and meets him at the counter and says, It looks like you've blown a seal.
The penguin wipes his mouth and says, No, no, that's just ice cream.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A penguin is driving down the road...

And his car engine starts to smoke. He pulls over to an autoshop in a small town, and the mechanic says it will be an hour. The penguin walks around and settles at an icecream shop. After an hour the penguin goes back and finds the mechanic under his car. "Find anything wrong?" asks the penguin? The mechanic rolls out and looks at the penguin and says "looks like you blew a seal." The penguin quickly wipes his mouth and says "oh no no i just had a bowl of ice cream."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My grandfather was a World War 2 Vet

In a single day during the Battle of Britain he was responsible for the destruction of 8 German aircraft killing 32 German airmen.


Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe had ever had.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What do you call an Amish guy with his
hand up a horse's arse?

A mechanic.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How can you tell a mechanic got laid?

He has one clean finger

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A penguin talks his snowmobile in to get fixed.

The mechanic takes a look at it and says "looks like you blew a seal." penguin replies "no, that's just frosting on my lip."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Car Problems

On a really hot day, a penguin takes his car to a mechanic. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes."
So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there, he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream.
Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the mechanic.
With ice cream all over his face and his stomach, he asks, "So how's my car?" The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, I was just eating ice cream."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A penguin has car trouble...(oldie)

He pulls his car into a gas/service/diner and asks them to check it out.

"OK buddy, we'll get right on it. Shouldn't take more than a couple minutes. You can wait in the diner if you want."

so mr. penguin goes to the diner and orders a large sundae. after he's done he goes back to the mechanic

"Hey pal, I hate to tell you this but it looks like you blew a seal!"

"Oh heavens no," says the penguin "its just ice cream"

*obviously not original but i've only heard it once so i thought id give it a shot

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A priest gets a flat tire and calls roadside assistance to replace it...

Mechanic comes out and puts on a spare.

Priest: Are those lugnuts tight, son?

Mechanic: They are as tight as nun's pussy!

Priest: In that case, you better give them another tug, please.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A penguin is having some car trouble

So he takes his car to a local mechanic for repairs. The mechanic tells the penguin that it will take about an hour to check and find out what is wrong with his vehicle.


The penguin goes to the waiting room and becomes very bored and antsy. He looks out the front window of the mechanic's shop and sees and ice cream parlor across the street and decides that will be a good way to kill some time.


The penguin goes into the ice cream parlor and orders a three scoop cone of vanilla ice cream. Seeing that the penguin doesn't have opposable thumbs it is very hard to keep a hold of the cone and the penguin makes a huge mess. He gets ice cream all over himself.


The penguin looks at the time and realizes he needs to get back to the mechanic's and doesn't have enough time to clean up.


He goes to the mechanic and asks if he found out what was wrong.


The mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal."


The penguin responds "No, that's ice cream."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How can you tell when a mechanic just had sex?

One of his fingers is clean.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

This mechanic in my area went to jail for dealing drugs

I've been his customer for over 5 years...I had no clue he was a mechanic.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A penguin was driving when he noticed the warning light on his dashboard light up...

He limped the car to the nearest garage. The mechanic said it may take a while to fix and so to come back later.

So the penguin went out and took in the sights. Whilst he was there he decided to get an ice cream. However, only having flippers, he couldn't hold the ice cream very well and made a mess as he tried to eat it.

Later, the penguin goes back to the mechanic. He looks up at the penguin and says "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"Oh no" replied the penguin, "this is just ice cream!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What does a mechanic do when he has a one night stand?

Screws, nuts, and bolts!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A penguin's car broke down in the middle of the city.

So he got his car towed to a mechanic's shop and walked to an ice-cream shop to grab a large cone.

After about 20 minutes, he walked back to the mechanic's shop and asked if he knew what the problem was.

"It looks like you blew a seal," said the mechanic.

"No, no, I swear to god it's just ice-cream."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What does a mechanic looking for a one night stand do?

He nuts and bolts

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Q: How do you know when a mechanic has had sex? [nsfw]

A: Two of his fingers are clean.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Did you hear about the mechanic who accidentally punctured the wheels of his car?

He retired.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Penguin takes his car to the mechanic

On a really hot day, a penguin takes his car to a mechanic. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes."

So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there, he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream.
Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the mechanic.
With ice cream all over his face and his stomach, he asks, "So how's my car?" The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, it's just ice cream--I swear!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and an MCSE are trying to fix a car...

The mechanical engineer proposes taking everything apart, inspecting all of the moving parts to ensure that they're running smoothly together, and then put everything back together. He is adamant that this is the best approach.

The electrical engineer strongly disagrees, and wants to check all of the wiring to make sure that it's not causing the problem.

They turn to the Microsoft engineer, who appears to be deep in thought. Finally, he says, "let's just close all the windows and open them again."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Penguin goes to a mechanic

So a penguin goes to a mechanic because his car is acting up. The mechanic says "ill take a look at it right away. Come back in an hour and ill have it figured out by then".
The penguin decides to go next door to an ice cream shop while he waits. The penguin doesn't have hands so he gets ice cream all over his flippers and beak.
So the penguin heads back to the mechanic and asks him if he figured out whats wrong with his car. Mechanic says "Looks like you blew a seal". The penguin says "Nope, its just ice cream."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Obstetrician career change

An Obstetrician decides that he's sick of his job and opts to become a car mechanic. For the next several months he attends night classes at his local technical college to gain his certification. A few months before the end of the curriculum, the entire class is informed that there will be a final individual exam that will constitute the majority of their grade and determine their certification status.

The day of the exam arrives and the obstetrician walks into the examination room to find three instructors and a car waiting for him. His task is to disassemble the engine, then reassemble it in the given time limit. The obstetrician does his best, though fears that he may have made a few mistakes.

A few weeks later he gets his results back and discovers he was awarded 150 points out of 100 on the test! He immediately rushes to his professor's office and asks about his score. The professor gives him a long look, then says,

"Well, the first 50 points you received were for correctly disassembling the engine, the next 50 points were for reassembling it, and we gave you 50 points of extra credit for doing it all through the muffler."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Eskimo's car breaks down in Montana. NSFW

Mechanic looks it over and says, "You blew a seal!"

Eskimo says, "Yeah, so, you fucked a sheep!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An eskimo visits Wales...

An eskimo visits Wales, and as he's driving along the motorway, his car breaks down.

The mechanic turns up and looks under the bonnet.

"You've blown a seal." He says.

The eskimo replies "So what? You bugger sheep."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A penguin takes his car to a mechanic because there is a funny noise coming from under the hood.

Leave it with me, says the mechanic. Come back in 20 minutes.
So, off goes the penguin. It's a pretty hot day and he's a cool weather kind of guy so on spotting an
ice cream van he goes and buys himself a 99. Now, penguins aren't very good at eating ice creamsβ€”
the lack of opposable thumbs makes it tricky. So by the time the penguin has finished his 99, he is
completely covered in ice cream. It is all over his beak and all over his flippers. Feeling a little
sticky, he goes back to the garage.
Oh, hello, says the mechanic, wiping his hands on a cloth.
Hello, replies the penguin. Was it anything serious?
Not really, but it looks like you've blown a seal.
Oh no, no, no! says the penguin, wiping his mouth. It's just ice cream.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How can you tell an auto mechanic just had sex?

One of his fingers is clean.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A penguin's car breaks down

He brings it to his mechanic and the mechanic tells him it will take a while to diagnose the issue. It's a hot day out and so the penguin decides to go across the street to have an ice cream cone while he waits. He then returns to the mechanic's shop and his mechanic says "well, it looks like you blew a seal". The penguin replies "oh no, this is just ice cream"

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Mechanics

How can you tell a mechanic has just had sex? One of his fingers is clean....

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How do you know a mechanic had a good date?

He has two clean fingers.

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A penguin takes his car to the shop for maintenance.

He goes across the street to a ice cream stand for a vinilla cone. Later he goes back to the shop to check on his car. Mechanic says "looks like you blew a seal". Penguin goes "No, it's just ice cream".

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Penguin Joke (kinda dirty)

One day there was a penguin driving in his car on a hot day. He is driving along when his car breaks down. He has his car towed to a mechanic who tells him that it might be a while to find out what's wrong with his car.

The penguin is getting impatient and it is really hot out. He sees an ice cream shop across the street so he goes over and gets and ice cream cone to cool off. He walks back to the mechanic eating his ice cream which melts and gets all over his face.

He asks the mechanic "did you find out what was wrong with my car." The mechanic looks up at him and says "looks like you blew a seal." The penguin wipes off his face and says "Nope, just ice cream."

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Did you hear about the car mechanic who was in a brief relationship and then left?

There was an article in the newspaper.
MECHANIC NUTS AND BOLTS

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Car Trouble

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

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Hospital

When checking a patient in for surgery, he said he was a mechanic. I said, "Good, the surgeon likes that because you understand when there are parts left over."

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A penguin is driving through the desert...

A penguin is driving through the desert when suddenly he hears a strange sound coming from underneath the hood of his car. He pulls over at the nearest service station and flags down the mechanic. The penguin explains what's wrong and the mech says he'll take a look at it.

While he's waiting the penguin walks into the adjacent mart and notices an ice cream bin! He thinks to himself "I'm a penguin out here in the desert, I could REALLY use some ice cream." He buys it and eats it but as he does, since he only has flippers, he gets it all over his face. He manages to finish the ice cream and walks outside.

Just then, the mechanic is finishing up and as he dusts off his hands he tells the penguin,
"Welp, looks you like you just blew a seal!" And the penguin responds:

"Oh no! It's just Ice Cream!"

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What did the arts graduate say to the mechanic?

Would you like fries with that?

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My Neighborhood's mechanic.

It's amazing how unexpected things happen around us, my neighborhood's mechanic was just arrested by the police for selling drugs...

Who would've known! I've been his customer for 3 years and I never realized he was a mechanic til now.

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The price they charge to repair.

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...

"Try doing it with it running."

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Science jokes

Thought i'd make a post compiling a few of my favourite science jokes. You can add your favourites in the comments below.


Q: How many physicists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to hold the lightbulb, and the other to rotate the universe around it.


Q: What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an automobile mechanic?

A: The quantum mechanic doesn't have to open his garage door to get his car out.


Werner Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding. The officer asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?. Heisenberg replies "No, but I know where I am."

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The locked car...

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" His reply: "I know. I already got that side."

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An Eskimo was driving through new Zealand

His car suddenly broke down after a small wait the mechanic told him "aw shut bro you've blown a seal" to which the Eskimo replies "shut up you fuck sheep"

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I had a really small problem with my car

so I took it to a quantum mechanic

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A penguin took his car to the mechanic.

The penguin left to get some ice cream and returned a few minutes later.

"It looks like you blew a seal" said the mechanic.

"Gross, its just ice cream" replied the penguin.

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My car was making this annoying sound . . .

. . . so I went to see a mechanic.

Me: My car is making an annoying sound.

Mechanic: Easy fix. Reach over. Open the door. And push her out.

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What are the best Mechanic puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Mechanic? Well, here are the best jokes about Mechanic to have fun with.

Joko Jokes