Meat Jokes

What are some Meat jokes?

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables​ are grocer.

My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with?

A dog, dogs eat meat

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.

He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.

A man walks into a bar

and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender what the deal was about:

"Anyone who can jump up and slap the meat earns free drinks for the rest of the night", the bartender answered. "But, if you miss you pay everyone else's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to try?"

The man thought about it for a moment, and then answers:

"Nah, the stakes are too high."

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

A man walks into a butchers...

The man says to the butcher "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher replies "Yes, you could say that." The man says "Okay then, I bet you $100 you can't reach that meat you've got hanging from the ceiling up there." The Butcher looks up and says "No sorry" The man says "I thought you said you were a gambling man, why not?" The butcher answers. "The steaks are too high."

What is the cheapest meat?

Deer testicles.

They're under a Buck.

I bet my butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.

He said "No, the steaks are too high".

Old Soviet Joke

Little Boy: What will Communism be like when perfected?

His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.

Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?

His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."

Teacher: "What can you get from a chicken?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them

"By mistake?"

"Oh come on.. Not you as well"

Confucious say, "Is good for girl to meet boy in park...

but is better for boy to park meat in girl."

I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to buy meat for them.

He asked: "By mistake?"

I said: "Oh come on, not you too!"

A man from out of town walks into a bar...

he sees large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why the meat is hanging down from the ceiling. The bartender says "Around these parts we have a challenge. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get it for free. If you can't you have to pay the price of the meat but you don't get it. How about taking the bet?" The man looks up at the meat. "Nah" He says. "The steaks are too high.

Gambler

A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill...

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.

I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

A five year old told me this joke.. [NSFW]

Was at a cafe when this little kid walks up to me:

"What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?"

"I dunno"

"....... When you pull your meat out of the refrigerator it doesn't make a *pffffffffft* sound."

A man walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling

The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drink for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies, "Nah the steaks are too high".

3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp

One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it!

"Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish!

"I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said.

And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him!

"I wish for a meat shower!" The second dinosaur said.

And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head.

Not wanting to be outdone by his friends the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better.

"I wish for a meatier shower!"

The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons...

I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.

I knew a guy who fell into an industrial meat grinder

He's fine now.

My brother and I made a $50 bet on who could throw meat the furthest into the air

I guess you could say the steaks have never been higher.

what kind of meat does a priest eat on fridays?

Nun.

Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?

Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.

β€ͺIf I were to be stranded on an island with anyone I would prefer to be stranded with a vegan...

Mostly because it's healthier to eat grass-fed meat. ‬

Vegan girls never moan during sex

Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat gave them such pleasure.

The butcher backed up...

The butcher backed up to the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

Why should you never store meat on the top shelf of the freezer?

The steaks would be too high.

Winston Churchill was dining in fine company, and when asked what piece of chicken he wanted, he requested a breast. A lady upbraided him, saying, "Mr. Churchill, in polite society we ask for white meat or dark."

The next day Churchill sent her a corsage, instructing the lady to affix it to her "white meat."

I don't understand why gay men are called fruity.

They're known, perhaps above all else, for their love of meat.

The ladies call me Subway.

Because I have poor quality meat and lie about being 6 inches.

Vegetarian curry is like lesbian sex.

Same amount of heat, none of the meat.

What did the chef say when he cooked up moose meat instead of beef?

"Oh no! I've made a huge MooseSteak!"

Dude walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

...He asked the bartender, "What are those for?" Bartender answers, "If you can slap a piece of meat, you get free drinks for an hour. If you can't, everyone's drinks are on you. Do you want to try it?"

He replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."

A man walks into a steakhouse

A man walks into a steakhouse and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling.

"What's with the meat?" he asks the hostess.

She says, "It's a contest we are running. If you can jump up and grab a piece, your entire meal is free."

"And what if I miss?"

"Then you need to buy everyone in the restaurant a drink. Do you want to try?"

He looks up again.

"No, the steaks are too high."

A man walks into a bar

He notices some pieces of meat hanging down from the ceiling. He goes up to the bartender and asks "What's with the meat on the ceiling?"

Bartender:"It's a challenge. If you can jump up and touch one, you get free beer for a night."


Man:"Nah, pass".
Bartender: "What? Why not?"

Man:"The steaks are too high"

A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker ....

A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker are walking down the street.

A reporter comes up to them and says,
Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?

The Saudi says, excuse me , what is this word shortage?

The Russian says, excuse me, what's meat?

The North Korean says, excuse me, what's an opinion?

The New Yorker says, excuse me, what's excuse me?

Soviet Breadline

At one of USSR's breadlines during the Perestroika, a man in the crowd is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame".
Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:

"Comrade, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"

As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:

"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too."

Two bricks of salt visit a meat factory...

And while they are looking down at one of the bone grinders, one of the salt brick accidentally falls down into the machine. The other salt brick watches in panic as his friend gets sucked into the blades and gears. After a while, the salt brick comes out from the other side of the grinding machine, all ground into pieces and powder.

"Oh my god! Are you okay Jimmy?" The salt brick on the top asks.

"Oh yeah I'm fine."

I've always wondered how vegans survived

No meat, no milk and no eggs. How do they do it? But that's when I realized...
They feed off of attention.

What do you call a tree that grows meat?

Dmitry!

If meat is murder...

...then is cake battery?

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.

Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, "If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar Β£100. Do you want to have a go?"
The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, "Nah, the steaks are too high!"

A vegan buddhist...

...decides to jump off the roof of a meat factory as the ultimate form of protest believing that he will be reincarnated. He became a vegetable.

A world renowned chef undercooked the meat

It was a rare misteak

quick historical Russian joke from early 90's

Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
***

C: Was this meat barking or meowing?

V: It was asking stupid questions.

Why are the vegetarians silent during sex?

Because they are shocked by the pleasure they can get from a piece of meat.

Tried Wookiee meat the other day

it was Chewie.

A teacher is teaching.

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

(sorry for the TERRIBLE title)

I told my dad the strip club had the best steaks in town. He told me what their slogan should be.

You can't beat the meat here.

Two blondes speaking: - My boyfriend is a veterinarian.

- Oh, did he fight in a war?
- No, you dumbass, he doesn't eat meat.

Fat people are harder to kidnap

But skinny people are worth less at the meat market

How many PETA members does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because PETA can't change anything.


-A joke I found inside the game manual for Super Meat Boy for Steam.

[NSFW] What's the difference between a woman and a Fridge?

A Fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.

Age old debate.

People these days always talk about how disgusting butchers and people who sell meat are, however I've found that people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

You ever tried Wookie meat?

Its chewy.

Whats for Dinner

A man kills a Deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his Wife, decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well," he said,
"It's what Mummy calls me, sometimes."

The little girl screams to her Brother,

"Don't eat it, it's an arsehole.."

A lawyer's dog

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.

The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher receives a mail from the lawyer.

The contents read

"Pay Consultation fee: $25.00."

Have you guys tried Wookie meat?

I heard that it's a little Chewy

A young vulture is tired of eating nothing but scavenged meat...

So he says to his father, "Dad, can't we eat something else for a change? I'd like to try some vegetables."

The father is outraged, claiming that vultures do not eat vegetables, that is not their way. But the young vulture doesn't give up. He asks again the next day, and the next, and the next. Eventually the father relents, and agrees on a compromise. The young vulture could eat some vegetables, but only if he finished his meat first.

The following day, the young vulture asks what they will be eating that evening. The father replies, "Carrion, my wayward son. There'll be peas when you are done."

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The stakes are too high".

Pie rates of the Caribbean joke

In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for Β£1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for Β£1.60 and an apple pie for Β£2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you Β£2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is Β£1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for Β£1.95.
In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at Β£2.50, but you can two for Β£3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is Β£2.25, or two for Β£3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for Β£2, or two for Β£3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for Β£2.75, or two (any combination) for Β£4.75.
Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean

If you got a butcher who is 6'2, what does he weigh?

Meat.

How many feminists does it take to make a sandwich?

12

One to make the sandwich,

One to excoriate men for creating hunger,

One to blame men for inventing such a laborious recipe,

One to suggest the whole "putting meat in between two non-consenting flaps of bread" bit to be too "rape-like",

One to deconstruct the Bologna sausage itself as being phallic,

One to blame men for not making the sandwich,

One to blame men for trying to make the sandwich instead of letting a woman do it,

One to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from eating,

One to blame men for creating a society where women make too many sandwiches,

One to advocate that sandwich makers should have wage parity with Michelin star chefs,

One to alert the media that women are now "out-sandwiching" men,

And one to take pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.

Whats the difference between a steak, an egg, and a blow job?

You can beat your meat and beat an egg, but you sure cant beat a blow job

Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.

A genie appears and grants them one wish each.

The first says
"Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me."
The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.

Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells
"Make a shower of meat all over the place."
Again the genie clicks his finger and it begins showering small chunks of meat which the second T-Rex begins snatching up.


The third T-Rex, not satisfied, roars
"Make the same as the last one, but make it a MEATIER SHOWER!"

What's the difference between sandwich meat and people from Alabama?

Nothing, they're both inbred.

Shot my first turkey today.

Scared everyone in the frozen meat department.

What did the Transgender Brontosaurus that formerly ate meat say, when visiting his old place?

"I've been herbivore."

An anthropologist visits a tribe that eats only meat...

An anthropologist visits an exclusively carnivorous tribe in previously uncharted deep-jungle territory and word gets around about this strange woman who eats plants.

M'buk says to T'gru, "Have you heard about this woman who eats *plants?*"

T'gru gets this puzzled look and says "no, I've never heard of herbivore!"

What's it called when a vegetarian starts eating meat again?

Losing your veginity.

How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend?

Meat patty.

I've just taken my sausages back to the butchers...

There was only a tiny bit of pork in the middle, the left and right sides were just pure breadcrumbs.

The butcher apologised and said that he was suffering financially, business was tough and he was finding it increasingly difficult to make ends meat.

What do you call a really, really quiet piece of meat?

A shh-kebab.
---
I love you too, fellas.

A man walks into a bar..

A man walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling, about 12 feet high. He asks the bartender, Why are there these steaks hanging from the ceiling? . The bartender then replies, We have this challenge where of you can jump and hit one of the meats, you drink for free tonight, but if you miss, you have to buy drinks for everyone else in the bar. Wanna give it a try?

The man then replies, Nah, the steaks are too high

A teacher was quizzing Johnny on farm animals

Teacher: "Johnny, what does the chicken give you?"

Johnny: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Johnny: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Johnny: "Homework!"

Drink for free

A man walks into a bar. The bartender says, How'd you like to drink for free?"
The man, obviously interested, replies, "Of course! What do I gotta do?"
The bar tender says, "See those pieces of meat hangin' from the ceiling over there? If you can reach up and give 'em a good slap without goin' up on yer toes, or jumpin', or nuthin the drinks are on the house."
The man quietly refuses. Shaking his head, he orders a beer and reaches for his wallet.
The bartender, stumped, asks the man why he won't even try.
The man curtly replies, "Sorry, but the steaks are too high."

What did the two vegan strangers say to each other?

Nothing. They didn't meat.

A fat redneck went to a doctor to check on his heart condition.

The doctor advised him to stop eating meat with high fat contents, while low fat meat are still OK to eat. The redneck was confused which are which, so the doctor gave simple explanation; "You may only eat animal which swims in the water, like fishes for example."

A week later, the doctor went to the redneck house to check on him. The doctor found him around a pool in the back of his trailer. The doctor asked "What are you doing here?". Redneck answered "Oh hi mister doctor, I'm just teachin ma cow to swim."

Justice

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?

The lawyer replied, Of course, how much was the roast?

$7.98. said the butcher.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.

Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150

I like my girls like I like my gravy

Brown and all over my meat.


(P.S. I can't remember if this is a joke I made up or a joke I heard somewhere else, if anyone has heard it elsewhere could you tell me.)

My wife's got Meatloaf underwear.

On the front they say, 'I would do anything for love'. On the rear they say, 'But I won't do that'.

What do you call it when you think you've lost your Italian cured meat, but then you find it again?

A falsalami

I drove four hours to attend a beauty pageant for meat products today.

Turns out it was a Miss Steak.

How to make Meat jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Meat to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Meat? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Meat pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes