Meat Jokes
173 meat jokes and hilarious meat puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about meat that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Have a laugh on us! This humorous compilation of meat jokes contains a range of inappropriate and um...rare puns. From 'beating your own meat' to 'seen more meat than a butcher', these jokes are sure to get laughs at dinner parties. Discover jokes about horse meat, pork, and venison, and enjoy a hearty chuckle with us!
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Funniest Meat Short Jokes
Short meat jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The meat humour may include short beef jokes also.
- A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting. I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
- The only joke I know. How does a cow introduce his wife...?
He says, "meat patty".
I am very sorry. - People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don't eat vegetables? constipated
- People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them "By mistake?"
"Oh come on.. Not you as well" - Confucious say, "Is good for girl to meet boy in park... but is better for boy to park meat in girl."
- The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons... I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.
- My brother and I made a $50 bet on who could throw meat the furthest into the air I guess you could say the steaks have never been higher.
- If I were to be stranded on an island with anyone I would prefer to be stranded with a vegan... Mostly because it's healthier to eat grass-fed meat.
- The butcher backed up... The butcher backed up to the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
- Why should you never store meat on the top shelf of the freezer? The steaks would be too high.
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Meat One Liners
Which meat one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with meat? I can suggest the ones about steak and pork.
- My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with? A dog, dogs eat meat
- My account got hacked. If you get a DM about meat from me, don't click on it. It's spam
- What is Jimmy McGill's favorite cut of meat? Chuck roast.
- I knew a guy who fell into an industrial meat grinder He's fine now.
- what kind of meat does a priest eat on fridays? Nun.
- Why did the plant-based chicken cross the road? Idk, it's beyond meat.
- If God wanted us to be vegetarians… Why did he make the animals out of meat?
- The ladies call me subway. Because I have poor quality meat and lie about being 6 inches.
- I left some burgers sitting in my fridge since the horse-meat scandal. AND THEY'RE OFF!!
- Nice canned meat you got there Too bad it isn't allowed here, rule 3.
- What do you call a tree that grows meat? Dmitry!
- A world renowned chef undercooked the meat It was a rare misteak
- I finally stopped eating deli meats... yep, I quit cold turkey!
- Two vegans bump into eachother at a BBQ "We must stop meating like this."
- What did the two vegan strangers say to each other? Nothing. They didn't meat.
Beating The Meat Jokes
Here is a list of funny beating the meat jokes and even better beating the meat puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Vegans don't beat their meat They beat their "0% dairy all organic tofu"
- I used to work for a specialty butcher. We had a motto.. You can beat our prices, but you can't beat our meat!
- How do you introduce an exhausted red vegetable to a steak? "Beat beet, meet meat."
- What is the difference between fish and meat? If you beat your fish, it will die.
- The celibate butcher is pretty successful in his occupations. Nothing beats his meat!
- What was the butcher doing when he got caught? Beating his meat.
- A restaurant is attracting a lot of attention with their new slogan It proudly proclaims: "Beat the meat with organic vaggies"
- Why dating a vegan is so boring? Because she dont beat the meat
- Why is Rocky so relaxed before his fights? Because he's good at beating the meat.
- What do the butcher and I have in common? We both beat our meat to every cow we see
Meat Grinder Jokes
Here is a list of funny meat grinder jokes and even better meat grinder puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Do you know about the butcher that kept accidentally backing into the meat grinder? He always got a little behind with his orders
- Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into a meat grinder? Apparently he got a little behind in his orders.
- What happened to the butcher when he backed into the meat grinder? Nothing. He just got a little behind in his work.
- I had to quit my job as a butcher. I backed into the meat grinder and got behind in my work.
- Did anyone catch the full story on that woman who got murdered in a meat grinder? I only heard bits and pieces.
- What did the farmer say to the chocolate cow? Get to the back of the meat grinder!
- A fava bean was playing near a meat grinder Then his mother came and said, "Stop that! You're making a foule out of yourself!"
- Did you hear about the woman who backed into a meat grinder? Disaster
- What do you call a laboratory monkey that went through a meat grinder? Rhesus pieces.
- Here's a funny joke LADS: What did the broccoli say to the meat grinder? Brocco-LeAVe mE aLoNe
.
Raw Meat Jokes
Here is a list of funny raw meat jokes and even better raw meat puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- You should know much bacteria is on raw meat. Lives are at steak.
- Why are raw meats expensive? Because they're so rare.
- A couple I know only eat raw meat. Their names are Sam and Ella.
- Why did the amphibian not want to eat raw meat? He was afraid of getting salamandermonella poisoning.
- A saint drank through an uncooked piece of meat St. Raw
- What smells better raw meat or a baby? Depends on how cooked the baby is.
- My restaurant only serves raw meat. As a result, everyone got parasites and turned into zombies, wandering around going ''RAW RAW RAW''.
- Q: What do you call a princess who eats raw meat? A: Salmonella
- What do you get if you eat a bunch of raw meat? A lifetime ban from the zoo.
- What sort of meat does a lion ask for? Raw
Smoked Meat Jokes
Here is a list of funny smoked meat jokes and even better smoked meat puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was grilling yesterday but then the meat started smoking Stakes were high
- What does Snoop Dogg eat when he visits Montreal? Smoked Meat Every Day.
- Simple recipe for making your own naturally-smoked, organic meats... Start a forest fire.
- It's important to smoke out your meats. The steaks have never been higher.
- What is the favorite Pokémon of a smoked meat sandwich? Raichu
- I smoked meat yesterday... I think that's how I got salmonella.
Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Meat Jokes with Friends.
What funny jokes about meat you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean chicken jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make meat pranks.
A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...
Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The stakes are too high".
What did the chef say when he cooked up moose meat instead of beef?
"Oh no! I've made a huge MooseSteak!"
What do you call a really, really quiet piece of meat?
A shh-kebab.
---
I love you too, fellas.
Winston Churchill was dining in fine company, and when asked what piece of chicken he wanted, he requested a breast. A lady upbraided him, saying, "Mr. Churchill, in polite society we ask for white meat or dark."
The next day Churchill sent her a corsage, instructing the lady to affix it to her "white meat."
A man walks into a butchers...
The man says to the butcher "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher replies "Yes, you could say that." The man says "Okay then, I bet you $100 you can't reach that meat you've got hanging from the ceiling up there." The Butcher looks up and says "No sorry" The man says "I thought you said you were a gambling man, why not?" The butcher answers. "The steaks are too high."
I like my girls like I like my gravy
Brown and all over my meat.
(P.S. I can't remember if this is a joke I made up or a joke I heard somewhere else, if anyone has heard it elsewhere could you tell me.)
An anthropologist visits a tribe that eats only meat...
An anthropologist visits an exclusively carnivorous tribe in previously uncharted deep-jungle territory and word gets around about this strange woman who eats plants.
M'buk says to T'gru, "Have you heard about this woman who eats *plants?*"
T'gru gets this puzzled look and says "no, I've never heard of herbivore!"
New Zealand scientists have discovered two new uses for sheep...
Meat and wool.
(Exchange for Welshmen if need be)
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If meat is m**......
...then is cake battery?
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats the difference between a steak, an egg, and a b**...?
You can beat your meat and beat an egg, but you sure cant beat a b**...
A young vulture is tired of eating nothing but scavenged meat...
So he says to his father, "Dad, can't we eat something else for a change? I'd like to try some vegetables."
The father is outraged, claiming that vultures do not eat vegetables, that is not their way. But the young vulture doesn't give up. He asks again the next day, and the next, and the next. Eventually the father relents, and agrees on a compromise. The young vulture could eat some vegetables, but only if he finished his meat first.
The following day, the young vulture asks what they will be eating that evening. The father replies, "Carrion, my wayward son. There'll be peas when you are done."
A pizza guy enters an obesity clinic and says, "I have 15 meat lover pizzas with extra cheese."
The nurse at the receptionist desk angrily asks him, "Why would you come here and mock our patients?"
The pizza guy defensively answers, "It's just what the doctor ordered!"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats for Dinner
A man kills a Deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his Wife, decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
"Well," he said,
"It's what Mummy calls me, sometimes."
The little girl screams to her Brother,
"Don't eat it, it's an a**....."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
quick historical Russian joke from early 90's
Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
***
C: Was this meat barking or meowing?
V: It was asking s**... questions.
Old Soviet Joke
Little Boy: What will Communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."
I love animals, and I want to stop eating meat...
But I just can't quit cold turkey!
A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker ....
A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker are walking down the street.
A reporter comes up to them and says,
Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?
The Saudi says, excuse me , what is this word shortage?
The Russian says, excuse me, what's meat?
The North Korean says, excuse me, what's an opinion?
The New Yorker says, excuse me, what's excuse me?
A nutritionist is giving a speech at a conference on eating healthy
Red meat is terrible for your metabolism, soda rips apart your gastric wall. Fast food is almost all fat and sugar but there's one food that is the worst of all. Almost all of us eat it sooner or later and the negative effects can last for years after a single consumption. Does anyone know what this is?
After a moment of silence an elderly specialist sitting in one of the front rows gets up and says "wedding cake"
Shot my first turkey today.
Scared everyone in the frozen meat department.
I've just taken my sausages back to the butchers...
There was only a tiny bit of pork in the middle, the left and right sides were just pure breadcrumbs.
The butcher apologised and said that he was suffering financially, business was tough and he was finding it increasingly difficult to make ends meat.
How many PETA members does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because PETA can't change anything.
-A joke I found inside the game manual for Super Meat Boy for Steam.
A lawyer's dog
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher receives a mail from the lawyer.
The contents read
"Pay Consultation fee: $25.00."
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Vegetarian curry is like lesbian s**....
Same amount of heat, none of the meat.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many feminists does it take to make a sandwich?
12
One to make the sandwich,
One to excoriate men for creating hunger,
One to blame men for inventing such a laborious recipe,
One to suggest the whole "putting meat in between two non-consenting flaps of bread" bit to be too "r**...-like",
One to deconstruct the Bologna sausage itself as being p**...,
One to blame men for not making the sandwich,
One to blame men for trying to make the sandwich instead of letting a woman do it,
One to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from eating,
One to blame men for creating a society where women make too many sandwiches,
One to advocate that sandwich makers should have wage parity with Michelin star chefs,
One to alert the media that women are now "out-sandwiching" men,
And one to take pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.
What do you call it when you think you've lost your Italian cured meat, but then you find it again?
A falsalami
I just ordered the wrong meat
it was a misteak
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Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?
Same reason l**... use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.
On second thoughts, Jared Fogle and Subway are pretty similar.
I mean, both stick 38 year old meat into 10 year old buns.
Four facts about women that prove they can do miracles.
1. They can get wet without taking a shower.
2. Bleed without being hurt.
3. Producing milk without eating grass.
4. Making boneless meat hard.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two bricks of salt visit a meat factory...
And while they are looking down at one of the bone grinders, one of the salt brick accidentally falls down into the machine. The other salt brick watches in panic as his friend gets s**... into the blades and gears. After a while, the salt brick comes out from the other side of the grinding machine, all ground into pieces and powder.
"Oh my god! Are you okay Jimmy?" The salt brick on the top asks.
"Oh yeah I'm fine."
Teacher: "What can you get from a chicken?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
What's it called when a vegetarian starts eating meat again?
Losing your veginity.
A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill...
A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.
I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.
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Why are the vegetarians silent during s**...?
Because they are shocked by the pleasure they can get from a piece of meat.
Soviet Breadline
At one of USSR's breadlines during the Perestroika, a man in the crowd is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame".
Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:
"Comrade, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"
As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:
"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too."
I drove four hours to attend a beauty pageant for meat products today.
Turns out it was a Miss Steak.
Pie rates of the Caribbean joke
In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for £1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for £1.60 and an apple pie for £2.15.
In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you £2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is £1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for £1.95.
In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at £2.50, but you can two for £3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is £2.25, or two for £3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for £2, or two for £3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for £2.75, or two (any combination) for £4.75.
Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean
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I told my dad the s**... club had the best steaks in town. He told me what their slogan should be.
You can't beat the meat here.
My wife's got Meatloaf underwear.
On the front they say, 'I would do anything for love'. On the rear they say, 'But I won't do that'.
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A r**... is selling sausages.
A r**... is selling sausages. A woman walks up to him and places an order.
The woman asks, "Can I have one hot dog please?"
"How would you like your *meat*?"
The r**... gives the woman a wink
The woman replies, "In bread."
She shoots a wink back at him
I've always wondered how vegans survived
No meat, no milk and no eggs. How do they do it? But that's when I realized...
They feed off of attention.
A Butcher is Selling Meat and Has One Chicken Left
A butcher is selling meat at his shop and is down to his last chicken.
A woman comes into the store and approaches the butcher. She asks the butcher for a chicken.
The butcher goes into the freezer and pulls out his only remaining chicken. He returns and puts it on the counter.
The woman takes a look at the chicken and asks the butcher if he has any larger chicken.
The butcher takes the chicken and puts it back in the freezer. He waits a minute, pulls the same chicken back out of the freezer, and returns. He puts it in front of the woman and says this is a bigger chicken.
Great! Says the woman, I'll take them both!
Age old debate.
People these days always talk about how disgusting butchers and people who sell meat are, however I've found that people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
My wife asked me what the price of lamb meat is. I told her I didn't know much but...
I know it ain't sheep.
A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit...
The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food.
The waiter responds, I assure you it's not. In the morning he makes donuts.
I feed my cat vegan food.
Now some of you may say "but they are predators they need meat." You're right, that's why I feed my cat only the finest vegans.
What did the Transgender Brontosaurus that formerly ate meat say, when visiting his old place?
"I've been herbivore."
Why did Stephen Hawking only eat meat?
Because eating vegetables would be cannibalism.
Three T-Rexes are walking when one of them brushes against a shiny stone.
A genie appears and grants them one wish each.
The first says
"Make a huge hunk of meat fall from the sky in front of me."
The genie clicks his finger and it happens. The first T-Rex begins eating happily.
Thinking of the possibilities the second T-Rex yells
"Make a shower of meat all over the place."
Again the genie clicks his finger and it begins showering small chunks of meat which the second T-Rex begins snatching up.
The third T-Rex, not satisfied, roars
"Make the same as the last one, but make it a MEATIER SHOWER!"
What's the difference between new and old hamburger meat?
One is ground beef and the other is browned grief.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
why will you never hear a vegan moan in bed ?
she'll never admit she's enjoying a piece of meat...
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, m**...?!"
Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two blondes speaking: - My boyfriend is a veterinarian.
- Oh, did he fight in a war?
- No, you d**..., he doesn't eat meat.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between sandwich meat and people from Alabama?
Nothing, they're both i**....
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I don't understand why gay men are called fruity.
They're known, perhaps above all else, for their love of meat.
3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp
One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it!
"Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish!
"I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said.
And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him!
"I wish for a meat shower!" The second dinosaur said.
And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head.
Not wanting to be outdone by his friends the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better.
"I wish for a meatier shower!"
Today marks 5 weeks of isolation...
I'm walking 2 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour. Eating fresh vegetables and home cooked meals every day. The change has been fantastic! I feel great!
Zero alcohol, a healthy diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 1 hour home workout each day! Lost 20 lbs and gained muscle mass. I've even cut my screen time in half and am reading a book a week.
I have no idea who wrote this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy and paste.
Europe is like a fridge
You have the freezing cold part at the top
Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection
Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
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Jokes
Vegan hot dogs are basically the s**... of food .
You want the sausage but not the meat
You know why the 2 piece bathing suit was invented?
To separate the dairy section from meat section...
I remember when McDonald's switched from styrofoam to cardboard and paper.
I'm still wondering when they're going to start using actual meat.
Meteor Meatier joke
God: Hey Angel, did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked? I asked you to make them meatier.
Angel: Make them… a meteor.
A meathead is counting loudly in the gym as he does bench press...
1! 3! 5! 7! 9!
Another meathead:
Do you even lift bro
Meathead: Nah I only odd lift bro
A vegan said to me : people who sell meat are disgusting
I replied with : people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer
I quit my career as a professional poker player, and I decided to open a grocery store.
For the first couple weeks, I didn't earn much money. Then, I decided to rearrange the meat and the snacks in my store. I started earning lots of money. I knew that I would succeed when the chips were down and the steaks were high.
