meat Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious meat puns

A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"

I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."






credits to Adele Cliff, from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Link in the comments

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A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and vegetables​ are grocer.

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A vegan said to me, people who sell meat are disgusting

I replied, people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.

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What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

They're both meat substitutes

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My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with?

A dog, dogs eat meat

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.

He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.

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A man walks into a bar

and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender what the deal was about:

"Anyone who can jump up and slap the meat earns free drinks for the rest of the night", the bartender answered. "But, if you miss you pay everyone else's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to try?"

The man thought about it for a moment, and then answers:

"Nah, the stakes are too high."

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What is the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?

Deer balls, they're under a buck.

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A man walks into a butchers...

The man says to the butcher "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher replies "Yes, you could say that." The man says "Okay then, I bet you $100 you can't reach that meat you've got hanging from the ceiling up there." The Butcher looks up and says "No sorry" The man says "I thought you said you were a gambling man, why not?" The butcher answers. "The steaks are too high."

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What is the cheapest meat?

Deer testicles.

They're under a Buck.

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Which doesn't belong: Meat, a Blow Job, Your Wife, An Egg

A Blowjob, you can beat your Meat, you can beat your wife, and you can beat an egg, but you can't beat a blow job

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I bet my butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.

He said "No, the steaks are too high".

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Old Soviet Joke

Little Boy: What will Communism be like when perfected?

His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.

Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?

His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."

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Teacher: "What can you get from a chicken?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

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People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them

"By mistake?"

"Oh come on.. Not you as well"

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Confucious say, "Is good for girl to meet boy in park...

but is better for boy to park meat in girl."

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I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to buy meat for them.

He asked: "By mistake?"

I said: "Oh come on, not you too!"

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A man from out of town walks into a bar...

he sees large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why the meat is hanging down from the ceiling. The bartender says "Around these parts we have a challenge. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get it for free. If you can't you have to pay the price of the meat but you don't get it. How about taking the bet?" The man looks up at the meat. "Nah" He says. "The steaks are too high.

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Gambler

A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."

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A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill...

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.

I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

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That's actually rude..

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said: "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother: "Don't eat it. It's an asshole!

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A five year old told me this joke.. [NSFW]

Was at a cafe when this little kid walks up to me:

"What's the difference between a woman and a refrigerator?"

"I dunno"

"....... When you pull your meat out of the refrigerator it doesn't make a *pffffffffft* sound."

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What doesn't belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob?

Answer: blowjob

You can beat your meat, eggs and wife but you cant beat a blowjob!

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A man walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling

The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drink for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies, "Nah the steaks are too high".

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Ceiling meat.

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling . The guy asks "What's this about?" The bartender replies "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies "Nah, the steaks are too high."

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The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons...

I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.

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I knew a guy who fell into an industrial meat grinder

He's fine now.

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My brother and I made a $50 bet on who could throw meat the furthest into the air

I guess you could say the steaks have never been higher.

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what kind of meat does a priest eat on fridays?

Nun.

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A hunter comes home with a deer and tells his wife to cook it for dinner that night

The hunter's wife obeys and serves it to the family for dinner. Before the children start eating, the wife has them guess what kind of meat it is.

She gives a clue: "It's what I call your father."

The hunter's son pushes away his plate, shouting, "Don't eat it, it's a fucking dick!"

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Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?

Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.

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Confucius says...

It is good to meet girl in park
but BETTER to park meat in girl

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β€ͺIf I were to be stranded on an island with anyone I would prefer to be stranded with a vegan...

Mostly because it's healthier to eat grass-fed meat. ‬

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Vegan girls never moan during sex

Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat gave them such pleasure.

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A man is making hamburgers made of deer meat for his family for dinner one night ...

He says to his kids "try to guess whats in the hamburger. Ill give you a hint, its what mommy calls me"

Immediatly his son yells to his sister "stop eating it! Its a fucking dick!"

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What are the most funny Meat jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Meat? Well, here are the best Meat dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Meat pick up lines to share with friends.

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