Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Meat Jokes with Friends.
Gambler
A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."
What did the chef say when he cooked up moose meat instead of beef?
"Oh no! I've made a huge MooseSteak!"
I bet my butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said "No, the steaks are too high".
The butcher backed up...
The butcher backed up to the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
I knew a guy who fell into an industrial meat grinder
He's fine now.
Winston Churchill was dining in fine company, and when asked what piece of chicken he wanted, he requested a breast. A lady upbraided him, saying, "Mr. Churchill, in polite society we ask for white meat or dark."
The next day Churchill sent her a corsage, instructing the lady to affix it to her "white meat."
A man walks into a butchers...
The man says to the butcher "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher replies "Yes, you could say that." The man says "Okay then, I bet you $100 you can't reach that meat you've got hanging from the ceiling up there." The Butcher looks up and says "No sorry" The man says "I thought you said you were a gambling man, why not?" The butcher answers. "The steaks are too high."
If meat is murder...
...then is cake battery?
Whats for Dinner
A man kills a Deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his Wife, decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the
meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
"Well," he said,
"It's what Mummy calls me, sometimes."
The little girl screams to her Brother,
"Don't eat it, it's an arsehole.."
quick historical Russian joke from early 90's
Quick context - Soviet Union just collapsed and Moscow streets are full of desperate people trying to some money to survive. A dialogue between street meat vendor (V), and a potential customer (C):
***
C: Was this meat barking or meowing?
V: It was asking stupid questions.
A man walks into a bar
He notices some pieces of meat hanging down from the ceiling. He goes up to the bartender and asks "What's with the meat on the ceiling?"
Bartender:"It's a challenge. If you can jump up and touch one, you get free beer for a night."
Man:"Nah, pass".
Bartender: "What? Why not?"
Man:"The steaks are too high"
You can explore meat butcher reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean meat steak dad jokes. There are also meat puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Old Soviet Joke
Little Boy: What will Communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."
A teacher is teaching.
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
(sorry for the TERRIBLE title)
A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker ....
A Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean and a New Yorker are walking down the street.
A reporter comes up to them and says,
Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?
The Saudi says, excuse me , what is this word shortage?
The Russian says, excuse me, what's meat?
The North Korean says, excuse me, what's an opinion?
The New Yorker says, excuse me, what's excuse me?
A man walks into a bar
and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender what the deal was about:
"Anyone who can jump up and slap the meat earns free drinks for the rest of the night", the bartender answered. "But, if you miss you pay everyone else's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to try?"
The man thought about it for a moment, and then answers:
"Nah, the stakes are too high."
How many PETA members does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because PETA can't change anything.
-A joke I found inside the game manual for Super Meat Boy for Steam.
Vegetarian curry is like lesbian sex.
Same amount of heat, none of the meat.
Dude walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...
...He asked the bartender, "What are those for?" Bartender answers, "If you can slap a piece of meat, you get free drinks for an hour. If you can't, everyone's drinks are on you. Do you want to try it?"
He replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."
A world renowned chef undercooked the meat
It was a rare misteak
What is the cheapest meat?
Deer testicles.
They're under a Buck.
A vegan buddhist...
...decides to jump off the roof of a meat factory as the ultimate form of protest believing that he will be reincarnated. He became a vegetable.
Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?
Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.
what kind of meat does a priest eat on fridays?
Nun.
A man from out of town walks into a bar...
he sees large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why the meat is hanging down from the ceiling. The bartender says "Around these parts we have a challenge. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get it for free. If you can't you have to pay the price of the meat but you don't get it. How about taking the bet?" The man looks up at the meat. "Nah" He says. "The steaks are too high.
A man walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling
The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drink for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies, "Nah the steaks are too high".
The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons...
I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.
Two bricks of salt visit a meat factory...
And while they are looking down at one of the bone grinders, one of the salt brick accidentally falls down into the machine. The other salt brick watches in panic as his friend gets sucked into the blades and gears. After a while, the salt brick comes out from the other side of the grinding machine, all ground into pieces and powder.
"Oh my god! Are you okay Jimmy?" The salt brick on the top asks.
"Oh yeah I'm fine."
My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with?
A dog, dogs eat meat
The ladies call me Subway.
Because I have poor quality meat and lie about being 6 inches.
Teacher: "What can you get from a chicken?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
Why should you never store meat on the top shelf of the freezer?
The steaks would be too high.
Confucious say, "Is good for girl to meet boy in park...
but is better for boy to park meat in girl."
A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill...
A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.
I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.
People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them
"By mistake?"
"Oh come on.. Not you as well"
Why are the vegetarians silent during sex?
Because they are shocked by the pleasure they can get from a piece of meat.
Fat people are harder to kidnap
But skinny people are worth less at the meat market
Soviet Breadline
At one of USSR's breadlines during the Perestroika, a man in the crowd is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame".
Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:
"Comrade, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"
As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:
"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too."
A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.
He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.
A man walks into a steakhouse
A man walks into a steakhouse and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling.
"What's with the meat?" he asks the hostess.
She says, "It's a contest we are running. If you can jump up and grab a piece, your entire meal is free."
"And what if I miss?"
"Then you need to buy everyone in the restaurant a drink. Do you want to try?"
He looks up again.
"No, the steaks are too high."
I told my dad the strip club had the best steaks in town. He told me what their slogan should be.
You can't beat the meat here.
What do you call a tree that grows meat?
Dmitry!
A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.
I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to buy meat for them.
He asked: "By mistake?"
I said: "Oh come on, not you too!"
My brother and I made a $50 bet on who could throw meat the furthest into the air
I guess you could say the steaks have never been higher.
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, "If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar £100. Do you want to have a go?"
The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, "Nah, the steaks are too high!"
I've always wondered how vegans survived
No meat, no milk and no eggs. How do they do it? But that's when I realized...
They feed off of attention.
A vegan said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"
I said, "people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
A Butcher is Selling Meat and Has One Chicken Left
A butcher is selling meat at his shop and is down to his last chicken.
A woman comes into the store and approaches the butcher. She asks the butcher for a chicken.
The butcher goes into the freezer and pulls out his only remaining chicken. He returns and puts it on the counter.
The woman takes a look at the chicken and asks the butcher if he has any larger chicken.
The butcher takes the chicken and puts it back in the freezer. He waits a minute, pulls the same chicken back out of the freezer, and returns. He puts it in front of the woman and says this is a bigger chicken.
Great! Says the woman, I'll take them both!
If I were to be stranded on an island with anyone I would prefer to be stranded with a vegan...
Mostly because it's healthier to eat grass-fed meat.
Age old debate.
People these days always talk about how disgusting butchers and people who sell meat are, however I've found that people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
You ever tried Wookie meat?
Its chewy.
Vegan girls never moan during sex
Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat gave them such pleasure.
Tried Wookiee meat the other day
it was Chewie.
I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"
Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.
Two blondes speaking: - My boyfriend is a veterinarian.
- Oh, did he fight in a war?
- No, you dumbass, he doesn't eat meat.
I don't understand why gay men are called fruity.
They're known, perhaps above all else, for their love of meat.
3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp
One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it!
"Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish!
"I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said.
And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him!
"I wish for a meat shower!" The second dinosaur said.
And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head.
Not wanting to be outdone by his friends the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better.
"I wish for a meatier shower!"
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."
Today marks 5 weeks of isolation...
I'm walking 2 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour. Eating fresh vegetables and home cooked meals every day. The change has been fantastic! I feel great!
Zero alcohol, a healthy diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 1 hour home workout each day! Lost 20 lbs and gained muscle mass. I've even cut my screen time in half and am reading a book a week.
I have no idea who wrote this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy and paste.
Europe is like a fridge
You have the freezing cold part at the top
Then in the middle, you have cheese, cold meat, and a good drinks selection
Then down the bottom corner, there's just turkey and grease
Two soldiers are lost in the desert, thirsty and starving.
Ahead they see a tree with strips of meat hanging from its branches.
"A bacon tree!" the first exclaims and he runs towards it only to be cut down by a sniper's bullet.
"That's no bacon tree," says the other. " That's a ham-bush!"
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
Jokes
Vegan hot dogs are basically the strap on of food .
You want the sausage but not the meat
A vegan once said to me, "people who sell meat are gross!"
So I replied: the people who sell vegetables are grocer
I remember when McDonald's switched from styrofoam to cardboard and paper.
I'm still wondering when they're going to start using actual meat.
A vegan said to me : people who sell meat are disgusting
I replied with : people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer
I quit my career as a professional poker player, and I decided to open a grocery store.
For the first couple weeks, I didn't earn much money. Then, I decided to rearrange the meat and the snacks in my store. I started earning lots of money. I knew that I would succeed when the chips were down and the steaks were high.
A vegan told me people who sold meat were disgusting.
I said people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.
Nice canned meat you got there
Too bad it isn't allowed here, rule 3.
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
How do you cook alligator meat?
In a croc pot!
The only joke I know.
How does a cow introduce his wife...?
He says, "meat patty".
I am very sorry.
What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
The fridge doesn't fart when you take the meat out.
(Before anyone gets their boxers in a twist, I'm a gay man myself and still think this is hilarious.)
I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant (pre Covid)
Suddenly, a girl walked towards me and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, MURDERER??"
"Seriously Vanessa, it was 20 years ago and your dad had a knife..."
A man is waiting in a line in the Soviet Union to get food
As he gets closer to the counter, he sees that most people are now walking away empty handed.
When his turn comes, he asks "Hi comrade, I assume you are out of fish?"
"No comrade, you are in the wrong place. We are out of meat. The store across the street is the one that is out of fish".
Why vegans don't moan during sex
It's coz they're afraid to admit that some meat makes them happy
Why did the plant-based chicken cross the road?
Idk, it's beyond meat.
Meatloaf passed on today.
His funeral is set at 350 for about an hour.
Meatloaf (RIP) owned a private forest. At dawn every day, he would collect the condensation and drink it. I asked him if it tastes good.
He said "dew outta trees ain't bad!"
A guy walks into a bar and sees that there are dozens of cuts of meat hanging from the ceiling.
Confused, he asks the bartender why this is.
Well, it's a promotion we are running. If you can jump up and grab one, you get a free New York Strip dinner, on us! But, if you attempt to do so and miss, you gotta buy one for every person here instead.
The guy takes a moment to scan the bar, counting up the number of patrons in his head, before turning to the bartender and replying
Ah, no thanks. The steaks are too high.
———
Shout out to my dad for telling me this joke dozens of times throughout my life. It never fails to get a laugh outta a new crowd. Thanks Joe, you da best.
My account got hacked. If you get a DM about meat from me, don't click on it.
It's spam
What is the cheapest meat?
It's deer balls they're always under a buck.
What is Jimmy McGill's favorite cut of meat?
Chuck roast.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians…
Why did he make the animals out of meat?
I got Grindr and Dominoes mixed up when I went to order
Regardless there is an 8 inch meat feast on the way and I'm scared.
A man walks into a bar and sees a large jar full of £20 notes and a large piece of meat hanging from the ceiling
He confronts the bartender about it, and he explains.
'You put your £20 note in the jar, and then you get 3 jumps where you can try and grab that beef on the ceiling. If you get it, you can keep it and all the money in the jar.'
The man thought about for the moment, shook his head regretfully, and said,
'Nah, the steaks are too high.'
Do you know about the butcher that kept accidentally backing into the meat grinder?
He always got a little behind with his orders
People that don't eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don't eat vegetables?
constipated
Apparently, the FDA is okay with lab-grown meat
Poodle-grown meat, however, is still off the menu.
Best name for cured meat convention in San Francisco...
... Bay Con.
How does a redneck tenderize his meat?
He puts his pickup truck in reverse.
Years ago you could enter a grocery store with 25 dollars
and walk out with several kilos of fruits, a loaf of bread meat, cheese, milk and much more.
Nowadays, there are surveillance cameras everywhere.
A pair of cannibals were discussing their recent meals
One said "I found some Catholic monks when I was in the woods; took home the meat and boiled it up. Tasted TERRIBLE!"
The other said "Idiot. You don't boil monks- those are friars!"
My doctor tells me that a healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Tonight I ate 52 slices of roast beef.
