The Best 38 Measurement Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Measurement jokes. There are some measurement infinite jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these measurement finite puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Measurement Jokes and Puns

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician... sitting at a café watching the building across the road. They see one person entering the main door, and soon after, two persons leaving the building.

"Ah! They must have reproduced in there!" says the biologist.

"Nah, there must have been some error in our first measurement" says the physicist.

"If one person enters now", says the mathematician, "the building will be empty!".

What is the scientific measurement for moistness?


There used to be a machine in the mall to tell if a person is in a good shape or not by measuring weight and height.

My wife asked me one day:If we two do the measurement as a whole, what do you think the machine will respond? I said: Well, if it says "you are fat", it means you are too fat. If it says "you are thin", it means I am too thin. My wife asked: How are about if it comes up with "you are perfect"? I told her: it means I am too thin and you are too fat.

Measurement joke, There used to be a machine in the mall to tell if a person is in a good shape or not by measuring we

On a scale of one to ten... aren't getting a helpful measurement of your weight

I just fired my liquid measurement calibration manager

He had really poor litership skills.

You're a measurement of energy Harry


What unit of measurement did the ancient greeks use to measure their crops?


Measurement joke, What unit of measurement did the ancient greeks use to measure their crops?

What's heavier: a ton of gold or a ton of feathers?

The feathers.

The gold's weight is measured using the Troy measurement system in which an ounce is 12 "regular" ounces.

The more you know...

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting on a bench across from a house

They watch as two people walk in, and a while later three people walk out.

"The initial measurement was incorrect," says the physicist.

"They must have reproduced," says the biologist.

"If exactly one person goes in, the house will be empty," says the mathematician.

What's a dog's least favorite unit of measurement?


I sexually identify as a measurement of speed

Cuz I'm a loner and wanna km/s

You can explore measurement imperial reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean measurement physicist dad jokes. There are also measurement puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Have you heard the one about the fruit vendor who traded to get a measurement device?

He gave a banana for a scale

What's a pirates favorite unit of volumetric measurement?

Cubic yarrrrds!

What unit of measurement do robots use?


I have an obsession with the imperial measurement system...

...I guess it should be considered a foot fetish.

My friend was getting frustrated trying to order glasses the other day.

I guess the shop forgot to give her pupillary distance measurement.

I told her just to eyeball it.

Measurement joke, My friend was getting frustrated trying to order glasses the other day.

The House Problem

A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician are sitting on a bench, watching people entering and leaving the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people enter the house; A while later, they watch three people leave the house.

The physicist says, The initial measurement wasn't accurate.

The biologist counters, They must have reproduced.

Finally, the mathematician suggests, If one more person enters the house, then it will be empty again.

The toilet paper square is the only True unit of measurement.

Because, if you're short one, you find out Real Fast!

How math, physics, programmimg and philosophy convince that all odd numbers bigger than one are primes...

Math: 3 prime, 5 prime, 7 prime. I'll get the rest of them with induction.

Physics: 3 prime, 5 prime, 7 prime, 9 measurement error, 11 prime, 13 prime.
I tested enough numbers.

Programming: 3 prime, 5 prime, 7 prime, 7 prime, 7 prime...

Philosophy: 2 prime, 4 prime, 6 prime

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are sitting in a street cafe watching a house across the street.

They notice two people entering the house and, after a while, three people leaving the house.

"The measurement wasn't accurate!", says the physicist.

"They must have reproduced!", says the biologist.

The mathematician says, "Should one more person enter the house, then it will be empty."

What is the First Order's standard unit of measurement for length?

A Kylometer

What unit of measurement do Jedi use?


Back in ancient Egypt, the standardized units of measurements were based off the length of the current pharoah's body parts. The pointer finger would be one unit of measurement, the forearm another, and so on.

It could be noted, the pharoah was the ruler.

If the US switched from the standard measurement system to metric overnight,

there would be mass confusion.

Why are other measurements afraid of 0° Kelvin?

Because it's an absolute unit.

What time measurement is used when trekking from one Butte to the next?


What's a priests favorite unit of measurement?

A sintometer.

TIL the Richter scale is no longer the standard measurement for earthquakes.

It shook me up a little bit.

I'm 6'1"

That's two measurements.

I'm 6'3

But those are 2 different measurements

A Mathematician, a Biologist, and a Physicist...

are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologist: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again."

He: I have a foot fetish...

She: An uncontrollable desire to return to the imperial measurement system??

Little Johnny was in math class

The class was learning subtraction with big numbers today, and the teacher decided to use money as the unit of measurement. Johnny hadn't been paying much attention, so the teacher called on him, "Little Johnny, if you start with $1000 and gave $150 to Lucy, $150 to Suzy and $200 to Brittany, what would you have?"

"Well I'd have $500 left over after a very expensive Orgy, sir"

What's a communists favorite measurement of time?


What's Darth Vader favourite measurement system?

The Imperial System

The measurement

Got this text from my brother recently. 
It read. Can I stay at your house for a while? 

The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. 

It just reaches the back of her sister's throat!

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.

Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.

The biologist says - They must've reproduced!

The physicist says - This must be a measurement error!

The mathematician says - If one more person enters, the house will be empty!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the measurement cubic jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working measurement measure piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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