Measurement Jokes
64 measurement jokes and hilarious measurement puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about measurement that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh at the funny jokes about measurement! Learn the difference between metric and imperial measurements and make calculations with these funny jokes! Enjoy a good chuckle at jokes about imperial measurement, math and calculations!
Funniest Measurement Short Jokes
Short measurement jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The measurement humour may include short meter jokes also.
- I had my leg x-rayed today. The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"
By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"
The doctor replied "披萨卷2.54披萨卷" - If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height? From my head, tomatoes.
hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving. - Flat earthers are very worried about the COVID-19 pandemic. They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.
- How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is? Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now…
- Know how the iPhone 6+ was invented by men? Only men would call something that measures 5.5 inches, "six plus"
- What do South American governments and internal combustion engines have in common? Both are measured in revolutions per minute.
- In my day, schooling was so severe. If we got answers wrong in class, teachers would hit us with unbreakable metal ruler.
Tough measures. - Ladies, if he says he's six foot four inches, make sure that's not two separate measurements.
- Flat earthers are very worried about the pandemic. They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.
- The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society. They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
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Measurement One Liners
Which measurement one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with measurement? I can suggest the ones about magnitude and quantity.
- Why are rich british people fat? because they measure their wealth in pounds
- How do you measure how good a dad joke is? With a sighsmograph
- How do you measure the quality of a dadjoke? With a sighsmograph
- How do you measure the mass of God? Yahweh it of course.
- Time flies when you're having fun, Measure spiders when you're not .
- What do you call the unit that measures emotions? A sentimetre.
- How do you measure a Lego figure's shoe size? In square feet.
- What did the measuring cup say to the water? I've had it up to here with you!!!
- How does the devil measure his drugs? In pentagrams
- What is the most painful way to be measured In megahertz
- Why is a timer like a scale? They both measure wait.
- How do you measure a snake? In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.
- How does Satan measure his mass? In pentagrams.
- How does a pirate measure distance? With Yaaards!
- How do you measure the obnoxiousness of middle-aged white women? In degrees Karenheit.
Imperial Measurement Jokes
Here is a list of funny imperial measurement jokes and even better imperial measurement puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why was the Death Star measured in miles? Because they used Imperial units.
- What does Augustus Caesar and a straight stick used for measuring inches have in common? They're both imperial rulers
- What's Darth Vader favourite measurement system? The Imperial System
- What unit of measurement do Jedi use? Imperial
- He: I have a f**...... She: An uncontrollable desire to return to the imperial measurement system??
- I have an obsession with the imperial measurement system... ...I guess it should be considered a f**....
Math Measurement Jokes
Here is a list of funny math measurement jokes and even better math measurement puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My math teacher said I was doing average in math That felt mean, because I thought I was doing intermedian in math, but I guess measures of center isn't really my mode of math.
Laughable Measurement Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about measurement you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean temperature jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make measurement pranks.
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
A man is getting ready to go on a business trip...
He has been suspicious of his wife cheating on him. So he places under his bed a spoon attached to a string that hangs on the metal frame with a bowl of milk under it. He measures the weight of his wife in bed alone to make sure it is not in the milk unless there is more weight.
The man leaves and comes home after a few days and looks under his bed to find a bowl of butter.
How do you measure a m**...?
themommeter
I'm laying in bed reading a book, when my dad walks in with a tape measure...
About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me.
It gets closer and closer until it eventually pushes against my cheek.
I ask him "What are you doing?"
"I'm measuring your patience."
Newton, Einstein and Pascal are playing hide and seek
While Einstein is counting down from 100, Pascal runs and hides. Newton stands in pain view, and carefully measures out a meter square, then stands in it.
When Einstein turns around, he exclaims "Newton you're supposed to hide so I can't find you" . Newton replies "you found a Newton over a square meter, you found a Pascal"
A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.
The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.
The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.
The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.
The perfect shot.
A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," the partner says. "You'll never hit her from here."
Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin?
Because only a Sith deals in absolutes
Why is North Korea so accurate at measuring microscopic distances?
They have a supreme ruler
The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought
The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.
A Mother found out her daughter is pregnant
A Mother found out her daughter is pregnant, she confronted her.
"How did this happen? I told you to take measures"
"I did took measures and went with the longest one."
Bro, you really don't want to get into a d**...-measuring contest with me. Trust me, you'll lose.
I'm really good at measuring d**....
A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.
Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.
The biologist says - They must've reproduced!
The physicist says - This must be a measurement error!
The mathematician says - If one more person enters, the house will be empty!
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball
The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.
The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.
The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.
The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.
The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!"
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.
The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "There is a 99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.
The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!"
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
A merchant told another "I'll trade you a barium atom and two sodiums for that weight measuring device."
"BaNaNa for scale?"
So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...
...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.
"26 feet 6 inches" She says to the two perplexed engineers, and then walks off.
One engineer looks at the other and says, "Typical blonde. We want the height and she gives us the length!"
A man walks into a museum
He sees a dinosaur skeleton and asks the tour guide How old is that skeleton?
The tour guide says 65 million and 3 years, 5 months and 12 days.
Wow says the man, How do you get such a specific measurement?
The tour guide replies Well it was 65 million years old when I started working here. I've been here for 3 years, 5 months and 12 days.
If you measure tomatoness with tomatomometer, and you measure carrotness with a carrotometer, what do you measure peaness with?
A ruler.
What is the smallest unit to measure...
What is the smallest unit to measure distance ?
It's the millimeter !
And what is the smallest unit to measure volume ?
Yes, it's the milliliter !
And so, what is the smallest unit to measure intelligence ?
It's the military !
What unit of measurement is used on a nose?
Scentimeters!
How do you measure a non-binary person's temperature?
With a themometer!