Measurement Jokes
59 measurement jokes and hilarious measurement puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about measurement that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh at the funny jokes about measurement! Learn the difference between metric and imperial measurements and make calculations with these funny jokes! Enjoy a good chuckle at jokes about imperial measurement, math and calculations!
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Funniest Measurement Short Jokes
Short measurement jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The measurement humour may include short meter jokes also.
- I had my leg x-rayed today. The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"
By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"
The doctor replied "披萨卷2.54披萨卷" - If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height? From my head, tomatoes.
hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving. - Flat earthers are very worried about the COVID-19 pandemic. They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.
- Know how the iPhone 6+ was invented by men? Only men would call something that measures 5.5 inches, "six plus"
- What do South American governments and internal combustion engines have in common? Both are measured in revolutions per minute.
- In my day, schooling was so severe. If we got answers wrong in class, teachers would hit us with unbreakable metal ruler.
Tough measures. - Ladies, if he says he's six foot four inches, make sure that's not two separate measurements.
- Flat earthers are very worried about the pandemic. They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.
- A merchant told another "I'll trade you a barium atom and two sodiums for that weight measuring device." "BaNaNa for scale?"
- Why is North Korea so accurate at measuring microscopic distances? They have a supreme ruler
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Measurement One Liners
Which measurement one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with measurement? I can suggest the ones about magnitude and quantity.
- How do you measure how good a dad joke is? With a sighsmograph
- How do you measure the mass of God? Yahweh it of course.
- Time flies when you're having fun, Measure spiders when you're not .
- What do you call the unit that measures emotions? A sentimetre.
- How do you measure a Lego figure's shoe size? In square feet.
- What did the measuring cup say to the water? I've had it up to here with you!!!
- How does the devil measure his drugs? In pentagrams
- What is the most painful way to be measured In megahertz
- Why is a timer like a scale? They both measure wait.
- How does Satan measure his mass? In pentagrams.
- Why were the dinosaurs so big? Because Jurassic times call for Jurassic measures
- What do you call the knight who measures the edge of the round table?. Sir cumfrence.
- Why was the Death Star measured in miles? Because they used Imperial units.
- What's the unit of measure for social influence? Instagrams
- It's crazy that they only have one unit of measurement in North Korea. A supreme liter
Imperial Measurement Jokes
Here is a list of funny imperial measurement jokes and even better imperial measurement puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What does Augustus Caesar and a straight stick used for measuring inches have in common? They're both imperial rulers
- What's Darth Vader favourite measurement system? The Imperial System
- What unit of measurement do Jedi use? Imperial
Laughable Measurement Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about measurement you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean temperature jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make measurement pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
Pentagon Contract
A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he's gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.
Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job, he explained to her. One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway.
The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil.
'Well,' he said, 'I can do the job for about $9,000: $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
The Tennessee contractor then did the same, measuring and figuring, and then he said, 'I can do this job for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
I didn't measure anything. I just pulled the Pentagon official aside and whispered, I can do the job for $27,000.
The official was incredulous and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an incredibly high figure?'
I whispered, '$10,000 for you, $10, 000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the walkway.
A man is getting ready to go on a business trip...
He has been suspicious of his wife cheating on him. So he places under his bed a spoon attached to a string that hangs on the metal frame with a bowl of milk under it. He measures the weight of his wife in bed alone to make sure it is not in the milk unless there is more weight.
The man leaves and comes home after a few days and looks under his bed to find a bowl of butter.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you measure a m**...?
themommeter
A farmer was having trouble telling his horses apart.
"I have two horses that I can't tell apart," he tells his friend. "Is there any way you can help me?"
"Shave the mane off one horse," his friend said. "Then you'll know the difference between them."
The farmer did as he was told, but after some time the mane grew back and he couldn't tell the difference anymore.
"This time, give one of them a small cut on its leg," said his friend. "Then you can tell it apart from the other."
The farmer did this again, but the other horse ran into a thorn bush and got a similar cut on its leg.
"Measure their height," said his friend. "One of them must definitely be a bit taller than the other."
The farmer tried it out, and it worked. Ecstatic, he ran back to his friend's house.
"It worked!" he yelled. "The black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
I'm laying in bed reading a book, when my dad walks in with a tape measure...
About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me.
It gets closer and closer until it eventually pushes against my cheek.
I ask him "What are you doing?"
"I'm measuring your patience."
A physicist, engineer, and mathematician are asked by a local farmer to build the smallest fence they possibly can to hold in all of his sheep.
The physicist builds a big fence and slowly reduces the size until he can't reduce the fence any longer.
The engineer measures each sheep, stacks them in a specific way, and then builds a fence around them.
The mathematician builds a small fence around himself, then defines himself to be outside the fence.
When I went to Heavan...
I meet with Paul the Saint. He points to a bunch of clocks behind him
Paul: These are clocks that measure how honest you are. Yours is at 12:45, meaning you have lied 45 times in your lifetime
Me: Whose that clock at 12:00 belongs to?
Paul: That's Mother Teresa's. She has been a perfect person and has never lied
Me: Then whose that one at 11:59? Is he even better than Mother Teresa?
Paul: No. That one belongs to Bill Clinton. He lied so much during his presidency, the clock almost resets to 12:00
Me: I wonder, where's Donald Trump's clock?
Paul: Trump? Its in my office. I am using it as a desk fan
At a restaurant, I was getting impatient waiting on my food...
I caught the waiter's attention as he rushed by. How long will my spaghetti be?
The waiter said: I don't know. We never measure it.
The perfect shot.
A golfer stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity to his partner. He looks up, looks down, measures the distance and figures the wind direction and speed. The longer he takes, the more his partner fidgets. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," the partner says. "You'll never hit her from here."
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.
The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."
The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a volume."
The physicist answers: "let P be a spherical, friction-less pig...
The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought
The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.
A Mother found out her daughter is pregnant
A Mother found out her daughter is pregnant, she confronted her.
"How did this happen? I told you to take measures"
"I did took measures and went with the longest one."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bro, you really don't want to get into a d**...-measuring contest with me. Trust me, you'll lose.
I'm really good at measuring d**....
A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.
Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.
The biologist says - They must've reproduced!
The physicist says - This must be a measurement error!
The mathematician says - If one more person enters, the house will be empty!
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball
The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.
The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.
The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.
The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.
The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!"
TIL: Units of measurement like feet and inches were originally based on the current monarch's sizes
That's why they were called rulers.
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.
The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "There is a 99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.
The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!"
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...
...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.
"26 feet 6 inches" She says to the two perplexed engineers, and then walks off.
One engineer looks at the other and says, "Typical blonde. We want the height and she gives us the length!"
If you measure tomatoness with tomatomometer, and you measure carrotness with a carrotometer, what do you measure peaness with?
A ruler.
What is the smallest unit to measure...
What is the smallest unit to measure distance ?
It's the millimeter !
And what is the smallest unit to measure volume ?
Yes, it's the milliliter !
And so, what is the smallest unit to measure intelligence ?
It's the military !
What unit of measurement is used on a nose?
Scentimeters!
How do you measure a non-binary person's temperature?
With a themometer!
