Laughter Measure Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
I'm dating a girl whose arms measure identically to mine when extended.
I think we're on the same wavelength.
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
Pentagon Contract
A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he's gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.
Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job, he explained to her. One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway.
The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil.
'Well,' he said, 'I can do the job for about $9,000: $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
The Tennessee contractor then did the same, measuring and figuring, and then he said, 'I can do this job for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
I didn't measure anything. I just pulled the Pentagon official aside and whispered, I can do the job for $27,000.
The official was incredulous and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an incredibly high figure?'
I whispered, '$10,000 for you, $10, 000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the walkway.
How does the devil measure his drugs?
In pentagrams
Why did the paleontologist measure the height of a dinosaur using a T-Rex's foot?
Jurassic times call for Jurassic
Measures.
How do pirates measure rope?
In yarr'ds.
A man brought some cookies to a party...
His friend approached him later during the party. He asked for the recipe to show his wife.
"You see, the secret trick is that I put the dough in my belly button to measure out the perfect size of each cookie," he tells his friend.
"That's absolutely disgusting," says the friend.
He answers, "Oh, you're not going to like the way I make donuts then."
How do you measure a Lego figure's shoe size?
In square feet.
How do you measure a m**...?
themommeter
A farmer was having trouble telling his horses apart.
"I have two horses that I can't tell apart," he tells his friend. "Is there any way you can help me?"
"Shave the mane off one horse," his friend said. "Then you'll know the difference between them."
The farmer did as he was told, but after some time the mane grew back and he couldn't tell the difference anymore.
"This time, give one of them a small cut on its leg," said his friend. "Then you can tell it apart from the other."
The farmer did this again, but the other horse ran into a thorn bush and got a similar cut on its leg.
"Measure their height," said his friend. "One of them must definitely be a bit taller than the other."
The farmer tried it out, and it worked. Ecstatic, he ran back to his friend's house.
"It worked!" he yelled. "The black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
How do you measure a snake?
In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.
You can explore measure instagrams reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean measure yardstick dad jokes. There are also measure puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
How does Satan measure his mass?
In pentagrams.
I'm laying in bed reading a book, when my dad walks in with a tape measure...
About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me.
It gets closer and closer until it eventually pushes against my cheek.
I ask him "What are you doing?"
"I'm measuring your patience."
How do you measure the mass of God?
Yahweh it of course.
I would like to learn more about frequencies
But whenever I try to measure it, it only Hertz
If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?
From my head, tomatoes.
Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.
How do computers measure pain?
Gigahurts.
(Came up with this in the car on my way to school hopefully its original)
What do a gallon of milk and the city of Carthage have in common?
Ideally you only have to sack them once, but we should probably sack them again for good measure.
When I went to Heavan...
I meet with Paul the Saint. He points to a bunch of clocks behind him
Paul: These are clocks that measure how honest you are. Yours is at 12:45, meaning you have lied 45 times in your lifetime
Me: Whose that clock at 12:00 belongs to?
Paul: That's Mother Teresa's. She has been a perfect person and has never lied
Me: Then whose that one at 11:59? Is he even better than Mother Teresa?
Paul: No. That one belongs to Bill Clinton. He lied so much during his presidency, the clock almost resets to 12:00
Me: I wonder, where's Donald Trump's clock?
Paul: Trump? Its in my office. I am using it as a desk fan
At a restaurant, I was getting impatient waiting on my food...
I caught the waiter's attention as he rushed by. How long will my spaghetti be?
The waiter said: I don't know. We never measure it.
Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin?
Because only a Sith deals in absolutes
You have a pumpkin.
You measure around it. All the way around.
Then you cut the pumpkin in half so the top is separate from the bottom.
Measure across the cut pumpkin.
Divide the circumference by the diameter.
What do you have now?
Pumpkin Pi
How does a butter company measure its revenues?
net margarines
One for the Mathematicians
Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a flagpole.
They only have a measuring tape, and they have not been able to slide the tape up the pole.
A mathematician asks what they are doing, and they explain.
The solution is easy, she says. She pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, and measures it.
After she leaves, one of the engineers says,
That is so typical! We tell a mathematician we need the height – and she gives us the length!
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.
The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."
The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a volume."
The physicist answers: "let P be a spherical, friction-less pig...
Time flies when you're having fun,
Measure spiders when you're not .
There's a new way to measure time faster than the speed of light
It's the time from a red stop light turns green and the BMW behind you honks his horn.
How do car companies measure the impact of a collision
A c**... test, d**...
Why are other measurements afraid of 0° Kelvin?
Because it's an absolute unit.
Why are rich british people fat?
because they measure their wealth in pounds
How do you Measure how Heavy a Red Hot Chili Pepper Is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now!
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
Credits to: Adam pacitti
How do you measure the mass of a red hot chili pepper.
Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh now.
How do you measure the obnoxiousness of middle-aged white women?
In degrees Karenheit.
Have you heard of this new butter dish that can precisely measure servings for you?
It's said to have a very low margarine of error.
A fathom is a unit of measure equal to 6 feet
Therefore, a cluster of rally attendees not practicing social distancing could be deemed "unfathomable"
Did you hear about the ruler factory that went out of business?
They just couldn't measure up to the competition.
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
How does a pirate measure distance?
With Yaaards!
How does Santa measure things?
In santameters.
How does a satanist measure weight?
In pentagrammes
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.
The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.
The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!"
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now…
Why is a timer like a scale?
They both measure wait.
I had a speeding ticket dismissed by a judge who knew his physics
The cop wrote down my location, so I told the judge if he knew where I was, he couldn't possibly measure my velocity.
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.
An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.
The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "There is a 99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.
The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!"
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
How do you measure how good a dad joke is?
With a sighsmograph
What's the unit of measure for social influence?
Instagrams
Emergency measures
On behalf of the international community, as a humanitarian measure, we demand that President Putin be admitted to art school on an emergency basis.
My Son asked me to explain how Government work
So I told him. They measure with a micrometer, mark with chalk and cut with Axe.
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked to measure the volume of a basketball
The mathematician grabs a cord to measure its circumference and from there works out its volume.
The physicist pushes the basketball into a bucket of water and measures the water displacement.
The engineer looks it up on the catalog.
Do you know why women can't read a tape measure?
Because they've been told 6" inches is 8" all their lives.
Cop gave me a ticket for doing fifteen over the limit.
I didn't know radar guns could measure beers.
So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...
...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.
"26 feet 6 inches" She says to the two perplexed engineers, and then walks off.
One engineer looks at the other and says, "Typical blonde. We want the height and she gives us the length!"
I created a new unit of measure for the distance between you and the nearest large, predatory cat. It's called a weem.
Used in a sentence, "That lion is a weem away"
A weem away
A weem away
How do you measure the quality of a dadjoke?
With a sighsmograph
If you measure tomatoness with tomatomometer, and you measure carrotness with a carrotometer, what do you measure peaness with?
A ruler.
What is the smallest unit to measure...
What is the smallest unit to measure distance ?
It's the millimeter !
And what is the smallest unit to measure volume ?
Yes, it's the milliliter !
And so, what is the smallest unit to measure intelligence ?
It's the military !
How do you measure a non-binary person's temperature?
With a themometer!
