Measure Jokes
132 measure jokes and hilarious measure puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about measure that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking to measure up your jokes? Get the imperial and metric of joke-crafting with this article. Learn to assess and illustrate your jokes for greatest comedic effect, whether for stand-up comedy or for Instagrams. Discover how to make a joke with a tape measure to keep your audience laughing!
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Funniest Measure Short Jokes
Short measure jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The measure humour may include short meter jokes also.
- I had my leg x-rayed today. The doctor told me "your patella measures 2.54 cm"
By surprise I said "Inch high knees?"
The doctor replied "披萨卷2.54披萨卷" - If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height? From my head, tomatoes.
hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving. - Flat earthers are very worried about the COVID-19 pandemic. They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.
- Know how the iPhone 6+ was invented by men? Only men would call something that measures 5.5 inches, "six plus"
- What do South American governments and internal combustion engines have in common? Both are measured in revolutions per minute.
- In my day, schooling was so severe. If we got answers wrong in class, teachers would hit us with unbreakable metal ruler.
Tough measures. - Ladies, if he says he's six foot four inches, make sure that's not two separate measurements.
- Flat earthers are very worried about the pandemic. They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.
- A merchant told another "I'll trade you a barium atom and two sodiums for that weight measuring device." "BaNaNa for scale?"
- Why is North Korea so accurate at measuring microscopic distances? They have a supreme ruler
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Measure One Liners
Which measure one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with measure? I can suggest the ones about magnitude and weigh.
- How do you measure how good a dad joke is? With a sighsmograph
- How do you measure the mass of God? Yahweh it of course.
- Time flies when you're having fun, Measure spiders when you're not .
- What do you call the unit that measures emotions? A sentimetre.
- How do you measure a Lego figure's shoe size? In square feet.
- What did the measuring cup say to the water? I've had it up to here with you!!!
- How does the devil measure his drugs? In pentagrams
- What is the most painful way to be measured In megahertz
- Why is a timer like a scale? They both measure wait.
- How does Satan measure his mass? In pentagrams.
- Why were the dinosaurs so big? Because Jurassic times call for Jurassic measures
- What do you call the knight who measures the edge of the round table?. Sir cumfrence.
- Why was the Death Star measured in miles? Because they used Imperial units.
- What's the unit of measure for social influence? Instagrams
- It's crazy that they only have one unit of measurement in North Korea. A supreme liter
Tape Measure Jokes
Here is a list of funny tape measure jokes and even better tape measure puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why does Mike Tyson use an engineer's tape measure instead of a carpenter's tape measure? Because he finds the experience much more in tenths.
- Do you know why women can't read a tape measure? Because they've been told 6" inches is 8" all their lives.
- My girlfriend's been listening to a lot of books on tape lately. She's going to get very good at measuring, wrapping and recording things.
- I would go to any lengths to find a good measuring tape.
- Whats the most awkward thing a parent can find in a guys bathroom? a tape measure
Imperial Measure Jokes
Here is a list of funny imperial measure jokes and even better imperial measure puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What does Augustus Caesar and a straight stick used for measuring inches have in common? They're both imperial rulers
- What's Darth Vader favourite measurement system? The Imperial System
- What unit of measurement do Jedi use? Imperial
Laughter Measure Jokes for Everyone for Fun and Frivolity
What funny jokes about measure you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean estimate jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make measure pranks.
I'm dating a girl whose arms measure identically to mine when extended.
I think we're on the same wavelength.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"
They always tell me, "Measure twice. Cut once"...
...but they never say which of the two measurements I should use to cut by.
Pentagon Contract
A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he's gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.
Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job, he explained to her. One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway.
The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil.
'Well,' he said, 'I can do the job for about $9,000: $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
The Tennessee contractor then did the same, measuring and figuring, and then he said, 'I can do this job for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
I didn't measure anything. I just pulled the Pentagon official aside and whispered, I can do the job for $27,000.
The official was incredulous and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an incredibly high figure?'
I whispered, '$10,000 for you, $10, 000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the walkway.
Why did the paleontologist measure the height of a dinosaur using a T-Rex's foot?
Jurassic times call for Jurassic
Measures.
How do pirates measure rope?
In yarr'ds.
How do you measure how funny an electrical engineer is?
You use an o-silly-scope!
A man brought some cookies to a party...
His friend approached him later during the party. He asked for the recipe to show his wife.
"You see, the secret trick is that I put the dough in my belly button to measure out the perfect size of each cookie," he tells his friend.
"That's absolutely disgusting," says the friend.
He answers, "Oh, you're not going to like the way I make donuts then."
2 Polish Guys
Were trying to measure the height of a flagpole. They had a tape measure with them and were trying to climb the flagpole, measure in hand. A man walks by and says, "why don't you guys just lay it on the ground and measure it?" One of the Poles replies, "Because we want to measure its height, not length!"
How do you measure the molar mass of guacamole?
With Avocado's Constant.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you measure a m**...?
themommeter
Why do subway sandwiches only measure up to 11 inches?
Jared likes his footlongs a little smaller.
How do hipsters measure weight?
In Instagrams.
A farmer was having trouble telling his horses apart.
"I have two horses that I can't tell apart," he tells his friend. "Is there any way you can help me?"
"Shave the mane off one horse," his friend said. "Then you'll know the difference between them."
The farmer did as he was told, but after some time the mane grew back and he couldn't tell the difference anymore.
"This time, give one of them a small cut on its leg," said his friend. "Then you can tell it apart from the other."
The farmer did this again, but the other horse ran into a thorn bush and got a similar cut on its leg.
"Measure their height," said his friend. "One of them must definitely be a bit taller than the other."
The farmer tried it out, and it worked. Ecstatic, he ran back to his friend's house.
"It worked!" he yelled. "The black one is two inches taller than the white one!"
I tell ya, politics in the Middle East is so unstable...
...you could almost measure it in RPMs
How do you measure a great misunderstanding?
In kiloWats
Measure of Attributes
Endurance is being able withstand having tomatoes thrown at you
Strength is being able to throw a heavy tomato
Agility is being able to dodge thrown tomatoes
Intelligence is knowing that a tomato is a fruit
Wisdom is knowing not to put a tomato in a fruit salad
Charisma is being able to sell a tomato-based fruit salad.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you measure a snake?
In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.
The reason Rhianna stopped working with Chris Brown was because he had awful rhythm...
He put too many beats in a measure
I don't like Fahrenheit. I don't like Celsius. I don't like Kelvin.
I prefer to measure my degrees in Radians.
How does a hipster measure out his drugs?
Using instagrams.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
*n**...* How do you measure gay s**...? *n**...*
By the buttload
How do you measure how sad someone is?
With a blues scale
What unit of measurement did the ancient greeks use to measure their crops?
Demeter.
How to measure the perfect amount of pasta
Step 1: Measure out the perfect amount of pasta.
Step 2: Wrong.
I'm laying in bed reading a book, when my dad walks in with a tape measure...
About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me.
It gets closer and closer until it eventually pushes against my cheek.
I ask him "What are you doing?"
"I'm measuring your patience."
I would like to learn more about frequencies
But whenever I try to measure it, it only Hertz
My first blind date.
My friend set me up on a blind date and all I had was the phone number of the guy I was supposed to meet. So I call him up and ask how will I recognize him?
"I am 175cm tall and weigh 75kg and I will be standing in the corner. What about you?"
I replied, "Well, I guess I will be the one with a tape measure and a bathroom scale..."
How do cows measure time?
In mooments
I put a ruler under my bed every night...
so that I can measure how long I slept for
How do computers measure pain?
Gigahurts.
(Came up with this in the car on my way to school hopefully its original)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do a gallon of milk and the city of Carthage have in common?
Ideally you only have to sack them once, but we should probably sack them again for good measure.
My extremely slow tailor is trying to give me an impromptu fitting but I don't want to do it right now
I'm taking steps to prevent the measure
What do widespread and rampant voter fraud and quantum states have in common?
They disappear when you try to measure them.
Hagrid: Your a measure of power, Harry.
Harry: I'm a watt?
Measuring device.
The device used to measure people's gullibility is called a Gullibilometer.
How tall is Betsy DeVos?
We don't know, she can't measure growth.
Measure in Miles?
I'd rather knot.
When I went to Heavan...
I meet with Paul the Saint. He points to a bunch of clocks behind him
Paul: These are clocks that measure how honest you are. Yours is at 12:45, meaning you have lied 45 times in your lifetime
Me: Whose that clock at 12:00 belongs to?
Paul: That's Mother Teresa's. She has been a perfect person and has never lied
Me: Then whose that one at 11:59? Is he even better than Mother Teresa?
Paul: No. That one belongs to Bill Clinton. He lied so much during his presidency, the clock almost resets to 12:00
Me: I wonder, where's Donald Trump's clock?
Paul: Trump? Its in my office. I am using it as a desk fan
At a restaurant, I was getting impatient waiting on my food...
I caught the waiter's attention as he rushed by. How long will my spaghetti be?
The waiter said: I don't know. We never measure it.
I have invented a new measure of time, the "light light year!"
It's the amount of time it takes for light to travel in one light year :D
What device is best to measure a mother's temperature?
A ther-mom-meter
From my 10 year old who had the flu the past couple of days.
How do you measure farts
Magnitoot
You are not supposed to twist measuring sticks to measure curves
But I've always been willing to bend the rulers
How do rivers measure time?
One Mississippi, Two Mississippi, Three Mississippi...
As a carpenter my father used to always tell me "Son, remember it's measure twice cut once."
I just wish he'd told my Rabbi that too.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How did the n**... measure the efficiency of their gas chambers?
In KillaJews per second
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Your mother
Your mother is so prodigious they do not measure her weight in stone, they measure it in boulder!
You have a pumpkin.
You measure around it. All the way around.
Then you cut the pumpkin in half so the top is separate from the bottom.
Measure across the cut pumpkin.
Divide the circumference by the diameter.
What do you have now?
Pumpkin Pi
How does a butter company measure its revenues?
net margarines
What do you use to measure grass?
A yard stick.
What scale does an amoeba use to measure temperature.
CELLsius
How do you measure pride and accomplishment?
Cents
I managed to finally measure my closet.
Which is a feet in its shelves.
One for the Mathematicians
Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a flagpole.
They only have a measuring tape, and they have not been able to slide the tape up the pole.
A mathematician asks what they are doing, and they explain.
The solution is easy, she says. She pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, and measures it.
After she leaves, one of the engineers says,
That is so typical! We tell a mathematician we need the height – and she gives us the length!
Marcus Aurelius was a Roman Emperor, a very smart man and ahead of his time.
A strict disciplinarian he hated when his soldiers drank on the job but had no way of policing it. Until he realised that the offending soldiers would urinate much more than the sober ones. So he started to measure the output of the soldiers. Do you know what he used to measure it?
Roman Urinals
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are asked to measure the volume of a pig.
The engineer answers: "we fill a pool to the brim with water, fully immerse the pig, collect the spilled water and measure its weight. The pig will have a volume of 1dm^3 per collected Kg."
The mathematician answers: "we freeze the pig, slice it and integrate the slices' areas to obtain a volume."
The physicist answers: "let P be a spherical, friction-less pig...
There's a new way to measure time faster than the speed of light
It's the time from a red stop light turns green and the BMW behind you honks his horn.
What do astronomers use to measure the distance between Earth and the Sun?
Absolute units.
Kim Jong Un spends his spare time helping his citizens measure all sorts of things
He was quite a ruler.
What's heavier? 200kg bricks or 200kg feathers?
The feathers of course.
200kg bricks it's just some measure of bricks. But, if you want to lift 200kg feathers you need also handle what you've done to all these poor birds.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do car companies measure the impact of a collision
A c**... test, d**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does a promiscuous Amish woman measure her s**... escapades?
In Mennonite.
Why are other measurements afraid of 0° Kelvin?
Because it's an absolute unit.
An engineer is walking down the road...
He comes upon a frog and catches it in his hands. The frog says "If you let me go I will grant you riches beyond measure." The engineer laughs and puts the frog in this pocket. The frog struggles out of his pocket and yells "DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?! I'LL MAKE YOU RICH!"
The Engineer replies "What do I need with that? I have a talking frog!!"
Why did the emo have two rulers and a razor blade?
So he could measure twice and cut once.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How did h**... measure his energy usage?
In KillAJews Per Second
How does the depressed teenager measure speed?
Km/S
How did the man hope to measure his hopelessness?
He searched for the the sin of his angle of depression.
Have you heard of this new butter dish that can precisely measure servings for you?
It's said to have a very low margarine of error.
Getting over my ex was easy
I even reversed back over her for good measure
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
„I recently started to measure how much I p**.... „Yeah, I do that too: I jump on the scale before and after doing my business.
„Well, ... that's another way to do it.
A fathom is a unit of measure equal to 6 feet
Therefore, a cluster of rally attendees not practicing social distancing could be deemed "unfathomable"
Some words sounding similar can be confusing. For example, Entropy and Atrophy.
Entropy is simply a measure of how much the energy of atoms and molecules become more spread out in a process and can be defined in terms of statistical probabilities, whereas Atrophy, is what you get if you win something.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The measurement
Got this text from my brother recently.
It read. Can I stay at your house for a while?
The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my c**....
It just reaches the back of her sister's t**...!
