means Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious means puns

A single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. That means an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TB

That's a lot of information to swallow


-wow thanks for the upvotes and gold

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What does gay mean?

asked a son to his father.

"It means 'happy,'" the father answered.

"Oh," replied the son, "so are you gay, then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.

"No it doesn't," I said.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.

I said, that's fine, but don't go into that field over there. You won't like it.

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I please, how I please! You have no authority when it comes to telling me where the fuck I can go! Have I made myself clear, boy?!

I politely nodded and went back about my business. A short time after, I heard a scream, looked up to see the DEA agent being chased by my big old mean bull. Every step, gaining, closing the gap between himself and the agent. It seemed as tho he would surely get gored before returning to safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and screamed at the top of my lungs....

YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR FUCKIN BADGE!!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I just discovered that the word 'nothing' is a palindrome...

Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

At a funeral

Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: *clears throat* "Plethora."
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A boy asks his father Dad, what does 'gay' mean?

Father: It means 'to be happy'.

Son: Are you gay?

Father: No, son. I have a wife.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow:

"Mind if I say a word?"

She says: "Please do."

The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora."

The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My friend is really optimistic and is always telling me : "Cheer up, you could be in a deep hole filled with water..."

I know he means well...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Tried to explain my sexuality to my dad..

Me: Okay, so I would identify as bisexual.

Dad: And that means you would have a male partner.

Me: Yep

Dad: or a female partner.

Me: Yep

Dad: And that means you're bi.

Me: Yep

Dad: So that means if you don't find a partner you're on standbi?

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: Did you just...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...

A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
No, not at all, she replies.
The man stands and clears his throat.
Bargain", he says, and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My friend always tells me "cheer up, at least you aren't stuck in a deep hole full of water"

I know he means well...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton'

which also means nothing

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data.

I guess the N's justify the means.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Joke from Spain (forgive my English)

There was once a married couple that wanted a divorce, and they were arguing about who would keep the child.

"I birthed the child, therefore it's mine!" Says the wife.
"That's not true, you're not the mother!" Replies the husband.
"Oh, and I suppose you claim to be the real father then?" Says the wife.
"No, I actually don't know who the real parents are," replies the husband.

The wife is surprised at this and so asks what he means by that.
"Well," he replies, "when the child was born, while we were still in the hospital, you told me that the baby had pooped himself and you told me to change him while you rest."

"And?" She asks.

"And I did!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My girlfriend just text me, 'thespacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative'

Anybody know what 'ternative' means?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

His son asked him what gay meant.

Son: Dad, what does gay mean?

Dad: Happy son. It means happy.

Son: Then are YOU gay DAD?

Dad: No son...... i have a wife...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A women married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,"What do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Someone told me I'm condescending

That means I talk down to people.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Thanks for explaining the word many to me.

It means a lot

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A boy asked his father, "Dad, what does gay mean?"

"It means happy son." Replied the father.

Then the boy asked, "Then Dad, are you gay?"

"No son, I am married." the father replied.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I've been told I'm condescending.

(that means I talk down to people)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If the next president is white....

That means the entire country went black and successfully went back.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. That means an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TB

That's a lot of information to swallow...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

Anybody know what "ternative" means?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Nintendo 64 turns 18 this week...

Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room, it means it's good.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman marries a man and has 10 children...

The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.

The next man dies so the woman remarries again and has ten more children.

That man dies so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Good god! They're finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?

The man on his left says, I think he means her legs...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl...

...that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing.

"Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand"

A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?"

The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Wife: "I shaved down there. You know what that means..."

Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I only believe 12.5% of the Bible...

which means that I'm an eightheist

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What does the word 'gay' mean?

asked a son to his father.

"It means 'happy,'" replied the father.

"Oh," contested the son, "so are you gay, then?"

"No, son, I have a *wife.*"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My girlfriend came out of the shower

and said "I shaved my pussy, you know what that means?"

I said yeah,"the damn drain is clogged again!".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I saw a study online that said 1 out of 10 people are gay, which freaked me out because I've had sex with 10 people

Statistically, that means one of those other dudes was probably gay

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So I walked up to the widow at a funeral.

Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"


Widow: "Please do."


Me: (clears throat) "Plethora."


Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.

"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.

Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.

"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'

This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Communist alternative of "grab 'em by the pussy" would be...

..."seize the means of reproduction."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The American flag used to be a symbol for freedom and liberty...

But now it means, "Oh yeah. This person is about to say some real dumb shit on Facebook".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My girlfriend told me love means nothing to her

That's what I get for dating a tennis player.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Never date a tennis player.

To them love means nothing.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy falls in love with a very traditional girl..

A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl, that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year or two of dating he decides its time to propose. So he heads to her fathers house to ask his permission.

"Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand"

A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?"

The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh... "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A kid asks his Dad "what does 'gay' mean?"

The father says "It means 'to be happy." The son asks "Are you gay?" The father says "No, son. I have a wife."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My gf texted me "myspacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative"

Do any of you know what "ternative" means?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I've been told I'm condescending.

(That means I talk down to people.)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My friend keeps saying, "Cheer up man, things could be worse, you could be in an underground hole full of water."

I know he means well

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So what if I don't know what "apocalypse" means.

It's not like it's the end of the world

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Never ever marry a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I asked a chinese girl for her number...

I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She replied, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"

I said, "Wow!"

Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My son just said, "Dad, can you tell me what gay means?"

"It means to be happy," I replied.

"Are you gay, dad?"

"No, son. I married your mother"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"What does gay mean?"

A son is on the computer and he comes across the word gay. He asks his dad, "What does gay mean?"

"It means happy."

"So dad, are you gay?" the son asks.

Dad replies, "No son, I have a wife."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Never date a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Saying "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" means the same thing ...

Unless you're at a funeral.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Y'know Mahatma Gandhi?

Well, he walked a lot, and that means he had really calloused feet.

He also had an odd diet, that didn't consist of much, which made him frail.

This diet also gave him very bad breath.

This made him...


A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. That means an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TB

Now that's a lot of information to swallow.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Never marry a tennis player...

Love means nothing to them.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So what if i don't know what "Armageddon" means?

It's not the end of the world.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man is sued and goes to court...

A man is sued for calling a lady a cow during a heated exchange at work. The man is asked by the judge to pay a small fine to the madam which he does immediately. Just before leaving the courtroom, the man and the judge have the following conversation:

"Your honor, may I ask you a question?"

"By all means sir"

"If i were to call a cow a madam, would I still have to pay a fine?"

"Of course not, that's crazy"

"Thank you your honor"

The man then turns to the woman and says:

"Have a good day madam"

And proceeds to walk out of tthe courtroom





(My dad just told me this in Serbian and it sounded better but this sort of works. Hope you get some gags!)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So Holmes and Watson go camping...

After a long trek through the woods they pitch their tent and turn in. In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes Watson up and asks him "Look up in the sky. What do you see?"

To that, Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars"
Holmes followed up with another question: "What do you deduce from that?" to which Watson answered "If there are millions of stars, and even a few of them are planets, it means that there should be planets out there like Earth out there and if there are, that means that there is indeed other life outside of Earth"

Holmes looked him square in the face and said "Watson you idiot it means someone stole our tent!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A dad and his son are watching the news when a story about gay marriage pops up.

the son asks, "dad, what does gay mean?"

the dad replies quickly, "gay means happy."

The son looks at him and asks him, "are you gay?"

"no son, i have a wife..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

No means no,

Unless she's dyslexic.

Then it's On.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My parents always tell me that their world doesn't revolve around me

I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me

It means a lot.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though

I'll figure out what procrastination means later

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A father put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table...

A father put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If my son takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.


The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.

Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.


"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What does it mean when a man looks deep into your eyes?

it means that you are flat chested.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed across the room, that means its good.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why shouldn't you date a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days...

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse , I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.

I know he means well.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

White wedding dresses

Two old men were sitting in a restaurant having a cup of coffee when one of them looks at the other and asks, Why are wedding dresses always white? The other man thinks for a moment and says, Well, you know, I think it means the bride's love is pure.

The first old man does not seem convinced so when another old friend sits down, the man poses the same question to him, Say, do you know why wedding dresses are white? I'm not sure, the newcomer responds, but back in the day didn't all household appliances come in white?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A cowboy is sitting in a bar...

A woman sits down next to him and says, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He says, "Well ma'am, I ride a horse all day, herd cattle, rope cattle, brand cattle. I reckon I'm a real cowboy alright. So... you like cowboys, do ya?"
She says, "Oh, don't get the wrong idea. I'm a lesbian."
Cowboy says, "What's that?"
She says, "It means I like women. All I think about all day is women. Beautiful, sensual, erotic, naked women. Nice to meet a real cowboy though." Then she gets up and leaves.
Another woman comes and sits down. "Say there... are you a real cowboy?"
He ponders for a moment and says, "Well ma'am, I used to think I was. But I just found out I'm a lesbian."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If having a big car means you have a small dick and having big feet means you have a big dick

Then its no wonder people are afraid of clowns

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Somebody told me I was condescending today.

Since you probably don't know what that means, its when you talk down to people.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Dilemma

For those of you who have a hard time understanding what the word "dilemma" means, let me give you an example.

You're lying in the middle of a kingsize bed, with on your left side the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. She's naked, and she really wants to have sex with you. On your right side, however, lies a horny as fuck gay dude. Who are you going to turn your back on? *That*'s a dilemma.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Never go out with a tennis player

Love means nothing to them.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

When a dog is on heat, it means it wants sex.

That's my defense.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I asked my dad what it means to be gay.

But he didn't give me a straight answer.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A women married and had 13 kids. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more kids. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,"What do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I'd like to thank my boyfriend for translating "mucho" for me

It means a lot

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Hey, thanks for defining the word "many" for me...

It means a lot.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me,

It means a lot.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife says I'm way too condescending

(That means I speak down to people)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A lot of people say I'm condescending...

(That means I talk down to people)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A single sperm has 37.5 MB of DNA information in it. That means an average ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587.5 TB

That's a lot of information to swallow

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My Son Has Gonorrhoea

'Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,' a patient told his urologist on the phone. 'The only woman he's screwed is our maid.'

'Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid,' the medic soothed. 'Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him.'

'But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has.'

'Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up.' Replied the doctor. 'Well,' the man admitted, ' I think my wife now has it too.'

'Son of a bitch!' the physician roared. 'That means we've all got it!'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why should you never date a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My daughter asked me what "fap fap fap" means...

I think I should stop commenting on her Facebook pictures.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What "being a man" is about

A little boy asks his father: "Dad, what does it mean to be a man". The father replies: "well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions".

"Well" - the kid answers - "then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness,

Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I've just won the 2013 'Most secretive person' award.

I can't tell you how much it means to me.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying:

My girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying:

helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative

Does anybody know what 'ternative' means?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the difference between weed and pussy?

If you can smell weed from across the room that means it's good

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease.

I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If Donald Trump was a communist,

If Donald Trump was a communist, instead of saying "Grab her by the pussy" he would have said "Seize the means of reproduction."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Wiping your ass is a lot like approaching a traffic light...

Red means stop.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Old joke is old but still great

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What does the word 'gay' mean? asked a son his father.

It means 'happy', replied the father.

Oh, contested the son, so you are gay then?

No, son, I have a wife.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I'm not a fan of Trump, but I'd never denigrate his supporters

If you're a Trump supporter, denigrate means to put down.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why should you never marry a tennis player?

Because to tennis players, love means nothing.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So what if I don't know what Armageddon means?

It's not the end of the world

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A DEA agent is investigating some farms...

On one particular farm he walks up to the farmer who was doing some work in one of his fields and says, "Sir, I'm from the DEA and I'm inspecting some farms in the area to make sure there are no illegal drugs being grown"
The farmer replies, "Alright, but just don't go in that field"
The DEA agent pulls out his badge and says, "See this fucking badge! This means I can go wherever the fuck I want to"
The farmer says, "Alright, suit yourself"
The DEA agent walks off and a few minutes later he's being chased through the field by a bull. The farmer drops his tools and runs to the fence yelling, "Your badge! Show him your fucking badge!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Cum leaves the body at almost 30 miles per hour, which means it is illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Thanks for explaining the word 'many' to me

It means a lot.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I really love the word "earth"

It means the world to me.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My co-worker doesn't like me, because he thinks I'm condescending.

(That means I talk down to people.)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the difference between a traffic light and a banana?

With a traffic light, green means go, yellow means wait, and red means stop.

But with a banana, green means wait, yellow means go, and red means OH MY GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR BANANA!?!

(courtesy of my 12 yr old)

*

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Never Marry A Tennis Player

Love means nothing to them.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My girlfriend just texted me "myspacebarisbrokencanyougivemeanalternative?"

Does anyone know what "ternative" means?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman gets married and has 10 kids.

Eventually, her husband dies, and she waits a year to grieve and gets married a second time. With that husband she has 8 kids.

That husband also dies, so she ends up getting married a third time. She has 6 kids with this man.

After a few years, this husband also dies. Finally, the woman dies a few years later.

At her funeral, the priest exclaims "Praise Jesus, for they have finally been brought together again at long last!"

One if her friends in the audience asks her husband "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The husband replies, "Actually, I think he's talking about her legs."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I read that 1 in 5 women suffer from mental illness

so I guess that means the other 4 must enjoy it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife asked me if I ever peed while in shower.

I said yes, few times, accidently... She said that's so gross and asked wtf does accidently means? I said well that's the way it goes when taking a shit sometimes.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Saying "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" means basically the same thing...

...except at a funeral.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I cooked a medium-rare steak for my friend, and he said, I like it Well Done.

I said, Thanks buddy. That means a lot.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Never mary a tennis player...

Love means nothing to them,

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Never marry a tennis player

Love means nothing to them

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My mom said she's going to dig a hole in the garden and fill it full of water....

....she means well

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour?

This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone.

I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If the opposite of pro is con...

Then that means the opposite of congress is progress.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I asked a Chinese girl for her number

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

People who know me say I'm condescending.

That means I talk down to people.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So what if I don't know what Armageddon means?

It's not the end of the world.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Some girl texted me the space button on her phone is broke

She texted "thespacebuttononmyphoneisbrokencanyoupleasegivemeanalternative" Can someone please tell me what ternative means.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I said, "Gandalf once said 'A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.'"

My boss replied, "You're still fucking fired!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The nintendo 64 turned 18 last month

Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Today I got told I am condescending.......

That means I talk down to people

πŸ‘πŸΌ

It seems highly unlikely that the Romans would have built a new cross for every execution, which means...

Jesus was a repost.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?

Your salary, it comes once a month, lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are fucked up.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me

It means a lot

πŸ‘πŸΌ

This is a frightening statistic

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness!
That's scary!
It means 75% are running around untreated!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

12.

One to screw it in,
one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination,
one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination,
one to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like",
one to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic,
one to blame men for not changing the bulb,
one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it,
one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs,
one to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs,
one to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with electricians,
one to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men,
one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why is a UTI such a bad thing?

Because it means urine trouble

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Girls are evil...

(Saw this about 10 years ago)

If you have a girlfriend, then you know they cost time and money. Therefore:

Girls = time Γ— money
But:
time = money
So:
Girls = money x money
Which means:
Girls = money^2

Now we all know that money is the root of all evil. So:
Money = sq.root(evil)

And now:
Girls = (sq.root (evil))^2

Which means:
Girls = Evil

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A zebra dies and goes to heaven.

Once there Saint Peter tells her she can ask God a single question. So she asks God "I've always wondered, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes."

God responds, "You are what you are" and disappears.

She turns to Saint Peter clearly dissatisfied, "All these years I've waited only to not get an answer, what does that even mean? "

Saint Peter looks confused and replies "Well obviously it means you're white with black stripes"

"How" replies the zebra

"Well if you were black, he would have said 'You is what you is'"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What is the main difference between a drag show and a drag race?

The phrase "I blew a tranny" means something totally different.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I accept that my son is only average at school...

...he means well.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

One day, these parents wanted to find out what their Son was going to be when he grew up,

So they put a $100 bill, a bible and a whiskey bottle on a table.
If he picked up the $100 bill, it means that he was going to be a businessman, if he picked up the whiskey bottle, it means that he was going to be in the entertainment industry, and if he picked up the bible, it means that he was going to be a pastor.
The child came in and picked up the bible, his Mother smiled.
Then he picked up the whiskey bottle and took a swig of it then proceeded to pocket the $100 bill and left.
Well I'll be damned the father said
He's going to become a politician.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I've been told I'm condescending

(That means I talk down to people)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman is sitting at a funeral, for her husband.

A man then asks "do you mind if I say a word?"

The woman replies "No, go ahead"

The man makes his way to the front at the head of the coffin, clears his throat and says "plethora" before returning to his seat.

"Thank you" says the woman. "That means a lot."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Murphy Was A Very Religious Man....

...... but he also had financial aspirations beyond his means & dreamed of owning a big house, holidays in the sun & owning the *ultimate* status symbol........ a top-of-the-range Ferrari convertible. Not being criminally minded, he decided to ask the lord to make his dreams come true by going to mass 7 days a week & praying hard for a lottery win. Day after day he would do this....."Lord, just one **major** lottery win is all I'm asking for here, please, *please* grant me this wish & I will never ask anything from you again".

One cold winters day when the snow was piled high on the ground, Murphy went to mass & found himself alone in a deserted church. True to form, he knelt & began to once again ask the Lord for his lottery win. Just then, an apparition of a burning bush appeared in the middle of the church altar & a booming voice spoke from it.....

"Murphy, you are indeed a **good** man, you work hard to support your wife & 2 children, you are not an abusive drunk, you don't steal from anybody or cheat on your wife so it would indeed be my pleasure to grant you this wish, but there's just one thing..............meet me half way here & buy a fucking **ticket**, will you??"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

12.
One to screw it in,

One to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination,

One to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination,

One to suggest the whole "screwing" bit to be too "rape-like",

One to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic,

One to blame men for not changing the bulb,

One to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a
woman do it,

One to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs,

One to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs,

One to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with electricians,

One to alert the media that women are now "out-lightbulbing" men,

One to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman is sat at her husband's funeral when a man leans in and says "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"Go right ahead," she replies.
"Plethora," he says.
"Thanks," the woman smiles. "It means a lot."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said,

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

All of my friends say I'm condescending...

(That means I talk down to people.)

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the best Means puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Means? Well, here are the best jokes about Means to have fun with.

Joko Jokes