Means Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Means puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Means

A child asks his father what "gay" means

The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".

What does gay mean?

asked a son to his father.

"It means 'happy,'" the father answered.

"Oh," replied the son, "so are you gay, then?"

"No, son, I have a wife."

My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"

"Whatever means necessary," she replied.

"No it doesn't," I said.

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"

I know he means well...

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

I just discovered that the word 'nothing' is a palindrome...

Backwards it spells 'gnihton', which also means nothing.

At a funeral

Me: "Do you mind if I say a word?"
Widow: "Please do."
Me: *clears throat* "Plethora."
Widow: "Thank you. That means a lot."

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.

A boy asks his father Dad, what does 'gay' mean?

Father: It means 'to be happy'.

Son: Are you gay?

Father: No, son. I have a wife.

My friend is really optimistic and is always telling me : "Cheer up, you could be in a deep hole filled with water..."

I know he means well...

Did you know Vegetarian is a Native American word?

It means Lousy Hunter


I am Native American and this joke has been told to me a couple of times. Thought I'd share.

Tried to explain my sexuality to my dad..

Me: Okay, so I would identify as bisexual.

Dad: And that means you would have a male partner.

Me: Yep

Dad: or a female partner.

Me: Yep

Dad: And that means you're bi.

Me: Yep

Dad: So that means if you don't find a partner you're on standbi?

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: Did you just...

A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral listening to the eulogies being read...

A man in the pew behind her leans forward to ask, "Do you mind if I say a word?".
No, not at all, she replies.
The man stands and clears his throat.
Bargain", he says, and sits back down.
"Thank you", the woman responds, "it means a great deal."

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

My friend always tells me "cheer up, at least you aren't stuck in a deep hole full of water"

I know he means well...

The word 'nothing' is a palindrome. 'Nothing' reversed is 'Gnihton'

which also means nothing

My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data.

I guess the N's justify the means.

My girlfriend just text me, 'thespacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative'

Anybody know what 'ternative' means?

Someone told me I'm condescending

That means I talk down to people.

A boy asked his father, "Dad, what does gay mean?"

"It means happy son." Replied the father.

Then the boy asked, "Then Dad, are you gay?"

"No son, I am married." the father replied.

If the next president is white....

That means the entire country went black and successfully went back.

My girlfriend texted me "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

Anybody know what "ternative" means?

The Nintendo 64 turns 18 this week...

Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges.

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?" The judge said that was true.

Does this also mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

With that the man turned to his accuser and said "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson".

Wife: "I shaved down there. You know what that means..."

Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."

Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

I saw a study online that said 1 out of 10 people are gay, which freaked me out because I've had sex with 10 people

Statistically, that means one of those other dudes was probably gay

After 37 years I'm finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I've accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'

This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

What kind of running means walking?

Running out of gas!

My girlfriend told me love means nothing to her

That's what I get for dating a tennis player.

Never date a tennis player.

To them love means nothing.

My gf texted me "myspacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative"

Do any of you know what "ternative" means?

So what if I don't know what "apocalypse" means.

It's not like it's the end of the world

My son just said, "Dad, can you tell me what gay means?"

"It means to be happy," I replied.

"Are you gay, dad?"

"No, son. I married your mother"

"What does gay mean?"

A son is on the computer and he comes across the word gay. He asks his dad, "What does gay mean?"

"It means happy."

"So dad, are you gay?" the son asks.

Dad replies, "No son, I have a wife."

Saying "I'm sorry" and "I apologize" means the same thing ...

Unless you're at a funeral.

Y'know Mahatma Gandhi?

Well, he walked a lot, and that means he had really calloused feet.

He also had an odd diet, that didn't consist of much, which made him frail.

This diet also gave him very bad breath.

This made him...


A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

So what if i don't know what "Armageddon" means?

It's not the end of the world.

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

A dad and his son are watching the news when a story about gay marriage pops up.

the son asks, "dad, what does gay mean?"

the dad replies quickly, "gay means happy."

The son looks at him and asks him, "are you gay?"

"no son, i have a wife..."

No means no,

Unless she's dyslexic.

Then it's On.

My parents always tell me that their world doesn't revolve around me

I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(

My therapist just told me I might be a chronic procrastinator and that it will seriously affect my life. I'm not worried though

I'll figure out what procrastination means later

What does it mean when a man looks deep into your eyes?

it means that you are flat chested.

Why shouldn't you date a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them!

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days...

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse , I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.

I know he means well.

Somebody told me I was condescending today.

Since you probably don't know what that means, its when you talk down to people.

When a dog is on heat, it means it wants sex.

That's my defense.

I asked my dad what it means to be gay.

But he didn't give me a straight answer.

I'd like to thank my boyfriend for translating "mucho" for me

It means a lot

My wife says I'm way too condescending

(That means I speak down to people)

A lot of people say I'm condescending...

(That means I talk down to people)

My daughter asked me what "fap fap fap" means...

I think I should stop commenting on her Facebook pictures.

What "being a man" is about

A little boy asks his father: "Dad, what does it mean to be a man". The father replies: "well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions".

"Well" - the kid answers - "then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is".

Statistics say that 60% of women take medication for mental illness,

Which means 40% aren't taking their medication.

I've just won the 2013 'Most secretive person' award.

I can't tell you how much it means to me.

My girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying:

My girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying:

helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative

Does anybody know what 'ternative' means?

My parents are always telling me that their world doesn't revolve around me

So....I guess that means that I'm not actually their sun :(

I just came back from the eye doctor, he says I have kindergarden disease.

I asked her what that meant, she said that means I have really small pupils.

I'm not a fan of Trump, but I'd never denigrate his supporters

If you're a Trump supporter, denigrate means to put down.

I really love the word "earth"

It means the world to me.

My co-worker doesn't like me, because he thinks I'm condescending.

(That means I talk down to people.)

What's the difference between a traffic light and a banana?

With a traffic light, green means go, yellow means wait, and red means stop.

But with a banana, green means wait, yellow means go, and red means OH MY GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR BANANA!?!

(courtesy of my 12 yr old)

*

My girlfriend just texted me "myspacebarisbrokencanyougivemeanalternative?"

Does anyone know what "ternative" means?

I read that 1 in 5 women suffer from mental illness

so I guess that means the other 4 must enjoy it.

I cooked a medium-rare steak for my friend, and he said, I like it Well Done.

I said, Thanks buddy. That means a lot.

I wanted to thank everyone for sticking with me while I figured out the meaning of many

It means a lot

My mom said she's going to dig a hole in the garden and fill it full of water....

....she means well

If the opposite of pro is con...

Then that means the opposite of congress is progress.

Some girl texted me the space button on her phone is broke

She texted "thespacebuttononmyphoneisbrokencanyoupleasegivemeanalternative" Can someone please tell me what ternative means.

If me having a Russian accent means my B's sound like V's...

Soviet

It seems highly unlikely that the Romans would have built a new cross for every execution, which means...

Jesus was a repost.

I've been asking people what LGBTQ means....

Nobody will give me a straight answer

For some reason, all my friends think I'm too patronizing

That means they think I talk to people like they're stupid.

This is a frightening statistic

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness!
That's scary!
It means 75% are running around untreated!

Girls are evil...

(Saw this about 10 years ago)

If you have a girlfriend, then you know they cost time and money. Therefore:

Girls = time × money
But:
time = money
So:
Girls = money x money
Which means:
Girls = money^2

Now we all know that money is the root of all evil. So:
Money = sq.root(evil)

And now:
Girls = (sq.root (evil))^2

Which means:
Girls = Evil

Why is a UTI such a bad thing?

Because it means urine trouble

What is the main difference between a drag show and a drag race?

The phrase "I blew a tranny" means something totally different.

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....

Because that means 75% are running around untreated.

I accept that my son is only average at school...

...he means well.

A woman is sitting at a funeral, for her husband.

A man then asks "do you mind if I say a word?"

The woman replies "No, go ahead"

The man makes his way to the front at the head of the coffin, clears his throat and says "plethora" before returning to his seat.

"Thank you" says the woman. "That means a lot."

A woman is sat at her husband's funeral when a man leans in and says "Do you mind if I say a word?"

"Go right ahead," she replies.
"Plethora," he says.
"Thanks," the woman smiles. "It means a lot."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes