Mean Wife Jokes
142 mean wife jokes and hilarious mean wife puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mean wife that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Mean Wife Short Jokes
Short mean wife jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mean wife humour may include short bad wife jokes also.
- A child asks his father what "gay" means The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
- What does gay mean? asked a son to his father.
"It means 'happy,'" the father answered.
"Oh," replied the son, "so are you gay, then?"
"No, son, I have a wife." - I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing. It's laundry day.
- A boy asks his father Dad, what does 'gay' mean? Father: It means 'to be happy'.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife. - My wife, to our therapist: He always misunderstands simple questions. Therapist, to me: What does she mean?
Me: It's a feminine pronoun, - My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink canadian whiskey. I am still mean but I am sorry, too.
- My wife told me she is so sick of my mansplaining, and if I don't stop she's going to throw me in a deep hole with water in it. I know she means well.
- Wife: "Can you pick up milk?" Me: *lifts gallon*
"Yeah, it's easy."
Wife: "I mean from the store."
Me: "I'd imagine it weigh the same there too" - My wife is fed up with my constant stream jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?!" She shot back, "Whatever means necessary!!" I chuckled, "No it doesn't!"
- Wife: "Honey, I think you're a little to harsh to one of our kids." Husband: "Who do you mean? John, Michael or the fat one?"
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Mean Wife One Liners
Which mean wife one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mean wife? I can suggest the ones about beautiful wife and sharing wife.
- My wife says I'm way too condescending (That means I speak down to people)
- My wife left me for my best friend. Well, I mean now he's my best friend.
- My wife drives like lightning. I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
- My wife called me mean... ... so I called her average.
- Shout out to my wife for explaining the word "many" to me It means a lot
- My wife just called me severely ignorant and I was like, what's that supposed to mean?
- I play the worlds most dangerous sport.
I disagree with my wife. - If a wife is silent and not arguing – it means she's sleeping.
- A wife who put her husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
- My Spanish-speaking wife and I named our daughter 'Mundo' She means the world to us.
- So my wife asked what that NNN means... "Nothin new November, my love" I answered. :(
- My wife likes me to slap her I mean, why else would she keep burning the casserole?
- My ex talked me into marriage I mean, she was my girlfriend before she became my wife
- A communist proposes s**... to his wife He says "We must seize the means of reproduction!"
Uproarious Mean Wife Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about mean wife you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean english wife jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mean wife pranks.
Wife: "I s**... down there. You know what that means..."
Husband: "Yeah, the drain is clogged again."
Returning on Investment
After being away on buisness, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50. "That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."
The clerk handed him a mirror.
I told my wife she had to buy me a fathers day present.
I mean, why should I suffer just because she had a miscarrage?
I never remember silly things
A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time.
One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife.
Really? ,
one of the men said, what's it called? After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, what are those good smelling flowers called again?
Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned.
Yes that's it, he exclaimed.
Looking over at his wife he said, Rose what's that restaurant we went to the other night?
A man and his wife were discussing what they thought their son might be when he grew up.
"I have an idea," said the father. He put a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. "If he takes the money he'll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey he'll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible that means he'll be a preacher."
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they're hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table. He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down. He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down. Then he picks up the Bible, leafs through it, then sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
"Well how do you like that!" exclaims the father. "He's going to be a politician!"
olimpic condoms
The husband comes home and tells his wife : "honey, i got some olimpic condoms !" the wife asks: "olimpic? what do you mean by that?" "Yeah..olimpic. they come in 3 different colors: gold, silver and bronze. And guess what ? Tonight i think of wearing the gold ones !" to which the wife replies: "Honey..could you please wear the silver ones?! I'd love for you to finish second.."
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant...
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a s**... count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
The Meaning of dreams
One morning, after she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "Maybe you'll find out tonight…," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled:"The Meaning of Dreams."
Aids or Alzheimer's
A man takes his wife to the doctor. The doctor says "Well, its either aids or alzheimers."
"What do you mean?" the guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"
"Well, the two look a lot alike in the early stages." said the doctor, "Tell you what, drive her way out into the country. Once your there kick her out of the car. If she finds her way back, don't have s**... with her."
Farmer tries to breed pigs
A farmer bought some breeding pigs, but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.
The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, Doc, but how will I know when the pigs are pregnant?"
"Easy. When they lie down and wallow in the mud." The farmer hung up and came to the conclusion that artificial insemination must mean that he has to impregnate those pigs himself.
So he loaded them onto his truck, drove them out into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and then went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs.
Since they were all still standing around, he concluded that his first attempt didn't take, so he loaded them into the truck again, drove them into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs. They are still just standing around.
"Once more," he told himself, and loaded them onto the truck, drove them into the woods, had s**... with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed.
The next morning, he can't even lift himself off the bed. He asked his wife to see if the pigs are wallowing in the mud yet.
"Nope," she said. "They're all in the back of the truck and one of them is honking the horn!"
I heard the latest statistic that 1 in 3 people cheat on their significant others
that means either my wife or my girlfriend is cheating on me.
Hmm....
My water stopped working for a bit today.
My wife immediately said, "I'm going outside to dig a hole to catch the rain water!"
After the wife is gone I said to the rest of the family, "she means well"
"Can we have 'Punctuation s**...' tonight?" I asked the wife.
"What do you mean, 'Punctuation s**...?" she
queried.
"It's where I put my semi in your colon ..."
I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls
Upon waking, a woman said to her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls. What do you think it means?"
The man smiled and kissed his wife. "You`ll know tonight," he softly whispered.
That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. She jumped up and embraced him, and then settled on the couch to slowly and delicately unwrap the package.
It contained a book entitled, 'The Meaning of Dreams'.
I said to my wife, "You look like a million pounds."...
I said to my wife, "You look like a million pounds."
"Don't you mean dollars?" she replied.
"I know what I mean," I said.
An farmer walks in to a lawyer's office in Alabama...
And he says to the lawyer, "Sir, I'd like to get a divorce."
To which the lawyer says, "Well, do you have a suit?"
"Yes, I sure do", the man replies. "Wear it to church every Sunday."
"That's not what I mean. Do you have a case?"
"No, you see I've always been a John Deere man myself. Never had a Case in my life."
"Sir, do you have any issues with your wife. Did she cheat on you, is she a n**...?"
To which the farmer replies, "No, but the baby is. And that's why I want a divorce."
— You know, that doctor actually managed to improve my memory.
— Really? That's great! What's his name?
— Umm... you know that flower, the beautiful one, with red petals, a nice smell and thorns?
— You mean a rose?
— Yes, rose, exactly, thank you! (turning to his wife) Rose, honey, what's my doctor's name?
I just made this one up so cut me some slack...
A man and his wife are at the beach and she catches him staring at a beautiful woman. Predictably she gets mad at him.
Man: Honey, you know I only have eyes for you!
Wife: Then why are you ogling that woman over there?
Man: My dear, I assure you it doesn't mean anything. It is purely for educational purposes.
Wife: What do you mean?
Man: I've always wanted to study a broad!
(I'm sorry)
On a bench, in the park, two lovers
are kissing passionately. At some point another man sits down next to them and starts staring at the woman.
Eventually, her partner gets fed up by the staring and tells the other man:
- I haven't seen such insolence in my whole life!
- I'm sorry, I did not mean to disturb you, but I need to ask my wife to give me keys to the house.
"Five Horses Is Her Name"
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She is called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean ..."
"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"
Which kid?
Wife: Honey, i think you don't love our kids equally. It seems you have one that gets less love from you.
Husband: Really? Which kid do you mean? Karl, Tina or the fat one
"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife.
"If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have s**... with you then her."
"You mean 'than'."
"No."
I can clean all my dishes with one swipe.
I mean, if it takes more than one I should start looking for a new wife, right?
Plans for Easter
Wife: What are your plans for Easter?
Husband: Same as Jesus..
Wife: What do you mean ??
Husband:I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday!!
The true meaning of "bro code"
If a suspicious husband calls ten of his wife's friends about her last night's whereabouts, nine of them will tell him she wasn't there, and one will say she was.
If a suspicious wife calls ten of her husband's friends about his last night's whereabouts, nine of them will tell her he was with them, and one will insist that she only just missed him.
There were two old men sitting on a park bench
...passing the day away talking.
One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?"
The second old guy replied, "I think she may be dead!"
"What do you mean you THINK she is dead?" asked the first man.
"Well..." explained the second man, "the s**... is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."
My wife got mad at me because apparently turn on the veg doesn't mean..
Finger her disabled sister
My wife always tells me that I treat my kid unfair. I don't even know which one she means.
Thomas, Carl or the fat and ugly one?
Dreams.
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, I just dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?
You'll know tonight, he said.
That evening the husband came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it–to find a book entitled:
The Meaning of Dreams.
My wife always says I am bullying on of our children
I don't know which one she means... John, Maria or the fat ugly one?
"What does gay mean?"
A son is on the computer and he comes across the word gay. He asks his dad, "What does gay mean?"
"It means happy."
"So dad, are you gay?" the son asks.
Dad replies, "No son, I have a wife."
I've just noticed the wife is wearing her s**... underwear.
This can only mean one thing.
She's behind with the laundry.
I have been meaning to discuss erectile dysfunction with my wife.
But it hasn't come up yet.
During a bank robbery
The robber asks the first person in line if they just saw how he robbed the bank.
"Well, obviously I did, I mean it's not that I'm blind or anything" the man says and BOOM the robber shoots him dead.
"And you, did you just witness this robbery?" he asks another man in the line.
"No, I didn't, but my wife here did!"
God, I wish that I'd used a c**... now.
My wife walked in to the room when I was in the middle of a furious argument with our son. When he ran out of the room crying, I said to my wife, God, I wish that I'd used a c**... now.
My wife was aghast and said, What! You mean you wish that our son had never been born?
I said, No, I've got his girlfriend pregnant.
Husband: These orthodox shoes are great
Wife: You mean "orthopaedic" shoes
Husband: I stand corrected
My wife thinks I might be gay. I'm so relieved...
That means she definitely hasn't been checking my browsing history
A dad and his son are watching the news when a story about gay marriage pops up.
the son asks, "dad, what does gay mean?"
the dad replies quickly, "gay means happy."
The son looks at him and asks him, "are you gay?"
"no son, i have a wife..."
What are we doing for Easter?
Wife: What are our plans for Easter?
Husband: I'll be like Jesus. Disappear on Friday and return on Sunday.
Wife: That's AWESOME. I'll be like Mary.
Husband: What do you mean?
Wife: I'll show up pregnant and untouched by my husband.
Milkin' it.
I walked into the living room to see my wife breast feeding our son.
Being curious, I asked: "how long are you going to keep doing this, honey? I mean at what age is it too old for him?"
"Well, I think it's necessary to have quality bonding time between mother and child, and usually societal norms dictate this age aught to be ..."
I got impatient again: "Shut up son, i was talking to your mother. "
If a man with a f**... cheats on his wife...
Does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?
I think my wife died...
I mean, the s**... is the same, but the dishes are starting to pile up.
My wife told me she thought we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.
I told her 'I think you mean fewer'.
My gambling addiction must be getting out of hand because I've just lost my wife in a game of poker...
She said "How could you do such a thing, losing your wife in a s**... card game!?"
I replied, "Sorry honey, it was very hard for me at the time."
She said, "What do you mean?"
I replied, "Well, it wasn't easy, folding when I had four aces."
My wife went to the doctor yesterday and was diagnosed with the broken-vacuum-cleaner syndrome
It means that they make a ton of noise and don't s**... anymore.
Son: What does gay mean?
Dad: Gay means hapoy son.
Son: Are you gay dad?
Dad: No son, I have a wife.
Terrible diseases...
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other n**... for the first time.
The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child."
The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes."
He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too."
Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no -- smallcox, too!"
The Promotion
I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.
"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she said "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have s**... with".
"That's fair enough" I replied "When can you start?"
A woman gets up in the morning
wakes up her husband and says:
- Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean?
The husband answers:
- You'll know it on your birthday.
The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."
You see?
A husband and wife visited a farm. They saw a bull having s**... with a cow. The wife asked the farm manager.
Wife: "How many times does a bull have s**... per day?"
Manager: "4 times a day."
The wife looked at her husband and said ".... you see!"
Then the husband asked the manager.
Husband: "U mean 4 times a day with the same cow?"
Manager: "No, no, with different cows everyday."
Husband looked to his wife and said: " ....you see!"
Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband Says..
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
The Bible does not condemn homosexuality
The verse most people bring up is Leviticus 18:22, which says "Thou shall not lie with a man as thou would with a woman." This line has nothing to do with homosexuality.
What the verse actually means is that it's ok to lie when your wife asks if she looks fat but not when your buddy does.
My wife is turning 62 tomorrow. I tell her not to get too excited as she will only have one minute to enjoy it. Confused, she asked, "what do you mean?"
It's your sixty second birthday.
A wife went to the police station with her next door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
My wife hasn't been feeling very festive lately, but I've gotten her a present that will help her to discover the true meaning of Christmas...
A dictionary.
My wife walked in on me m**......
I tried to hide what I was doing and quickly changed the TV channel but it switched to a programme about disfigured babies. She saw what I was doing and saw what was on TV, so now she thinks I get turned on by disfigured babies. I mean, how unlucky is that? The same programme being on at the same time on two different channels!
My wife came home yesterday...
and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.
"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."
I told my wife "Beware the Ides of March!"
I told my wife "Beware the Ides of March! I'm in the mood to do some stabbing from behind, if you know what I mean. "
She said, "I just might die of surprise if you make it to 23 stabs!"
So yeah, only my ego got murdered today.
A wife begins to question the faith of her husband.
Wife: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Husband: "You're Both."
Wife: "What do you mean?"
Husband: "You're pretty ugly."
I think as marriages go, we're doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!
Nearly on Monday,
nearly on Tuesday,
nearly on Wednesday,
nearly on Thursday,
nearly on Friday,
nearly on Saturday and
nearly on Sunday
I told my wife she makes a mean cup of coffee.
"Oh, thank you! Was it that great?" she asked.
I reminded I just told her it was average.
A man asks another "do you have a car?".
"Sorta", he replies.
"What do you mean?", asks the man.
"Well, it's my wife's car when she goes grocery shopping, it's my son's car when he goes to his girlfriend's, it's my daughter's car when she goes out at night and it's mine when it's out of gas!".
My wife asked me "will you still love me when I get old and fat?"
I told her "What? You mean you're going to get even worse?"
Family members anxiously await news outside of the ICU
Dr Schrodinger :" there's good news and there's bad news."
"What do you mean by that?" Asks the wife.
Dr Schrodinger *takes a look inside* : " I'm afraid your husband is dead."
wife *sobbing* : "But then what's the good news?"
Dr Schrodinger: "What good news?"
Man "I hate the world and everyone in it. I have no patience for it. It's starting to make me sick". Wife: "what do you think about me?"
Man: "oh you mean the world to me, darling".
A husband and wife are trying to have a baby
After many attempts and what seems like an endless number of trips to the doctor and fertility clinic they meet with the doctor who tells them, "I do not think you will be able to have children."
The wife is overcome with emotion and her husband consoles her saying, "Inconceivable."
The doctor replies,"I don't think that word means what you think it means."
Great Easter joke I heard today
**Wife:** "What are your plans for Easter?"
**Husband**: "Same as Jesus."
**Wife**: "What do you mean?"
**Husband**: "I will disappear on Friday and and reappear on Monday."
**Wife**: "AWESOME, if you do that I'll do the same as Mary."
**Husband**: "What do you mean?"
**Wife**: "Show up pregnant, untouched by my husband"
Husband stayed home all Easter.
Male or Female Shipping
So I was purchasing something online and I asked the wife if we should get Male or Female Shipping.
She was like what does that mean?
I said, do you want it to come quick or slow and maybe not at all.
I think I just made this up.
DISEASE
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon prepares to see each other n**... for the first time. The husband exposes his knotted and twisted feet. He explains, "I had tolio as a child." The wife asks if he means polio. He says, "No, it only affects the toes." He removes his pants and reveals deformed knees. He admits, "I had kneesles, too." Finally, he pulls off his boxers. In shock, the woman gasps, "Oh no -- smallcox, too!"
My wife said we should spice up our love life
What do you mean? I asked.
She said let's do a bit of role playing. I'll be the doctor and you be the patient .
Alright... I went with it, How are you, doctor?
We have no appointments till November. Goodbye .
Me: I only got the bear essentials.
Wife: You mean bare essentials.
Me: *removes live salmon from mouth* I said what I said
Every time I have a beer, my wife keeps nagging me and telling me I drink too much
I mean come on, who needs to hear that nine times a day?
Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.
The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.
Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.
His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…
Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?
The other man says, You mean the rose?
His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!
He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?
