Mean Teacher Jokes

Teacher asks student: What is the half of 8?
Student: Miss horizontally or vertically?
Teacher: What do mean?
Student: Horizontally it is 0 and vertically it is 3.

Teacher: "Who can tell what is a mammal?
Little Johnny: "My grand mother!"

One day, Little Johnny was with his father at home.
He asked: "What does "evolution" mean?"
His father replied, "Figure it out."
Next day, at school, during a math test, a boy raised his hand: "What's 289+308?"
The teacher said: "Figure it out."
Ten minutes later, Little Johnny looked at the boy and said: "Why don't you write "evolution"? Your teacher already told you!"

My English teacher told me that using a colon in a sentence can really change its meaning.

For example,
Jane ate her friend's sandwich
Becomes
Jane ate her friend's colon.

I went to an all girls high school...

Teachers used to have these talks about how we should never let a guy pay the bill when we're on dates, or else we'll feel the need to reciprocate with s**... favours. Now I, for one, think that this is a terrible deal. I mean, come on; dinners are expensive!

A science teacher asks her student to stay after class because he repeatedly doesn't hand in his homework...

"Billy," the teacher says, "If you don't hand in your homework one more time you will fail the semester."
"But I have a reason for why I haven't," responded Billy.
"And what is that?" Asks the teacher.
"Well, we have been studying multiverse theory, so that means that there are many universes just like this one with subtle differences. One where I'm taller, one where I'm a different race, and one where I am studious and actually do my work. So I figure, why do it twice?"

My philosophy teacher walked in and told a story about his 5 year old daughter.

We just went over decartes last class.
We ask how his weekend was and he tells us about a philosophy conference at the University of Alabama. And how he was so happy when he Finally went home.
He goes on to tell us how proud he was of his daughter.
He says to us that he went to tuck his daughter in and randomly asked her does she know that he loves her?
She responded "hmm Idk I mean I think you love me, but you could be a evil robot that's just pretending to love me"

A teacher wanted to prove a student was a slacker.

She called him out.
"Jack! What does ignorance and apathy mean?"
Jack the slacker stood up, looked her straight in the eye.
"I don't know and I don't care."

Teacher says to student, In Algebra

A=B
&
B=C.
It means A=C.
Now give relevant example.
Student: Sir, I love you & You love your daughter,
It means that I love your daughter.

Did you hear about my cruel psychic Maths teacher called Moe who's great with a s**... rifle?

He's a mean medium, Moe, with range.

Teacher - if my cup is half full, what does that mean?

Student - that you need a smaller bra!

Teacher: No listening to music in class.

Student: Does that mean I can listen to dubstep?

Classroom Nerd

(In a high school class room)
Girl: Do you see that F@#$ING nerd over there.
Teacher: Don't be so mean, he could be your boss one day.
Nerd: Sorry I don't plan on being a p**...

A teacher asks her class to use 'contagious' in a sentence

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.
"Our mean next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and my dad said it would take the contagious.

Just another day in math class

Teacher - what is 0.1 as a fraction
Student - 1/10th
Teacher - good, now what does 10% mean?
Student - low battery plug in your phone

In high school I hooked up with my teacher...

She was really into me... I mean I was home schooled, but still!

A teacher asks three of his students a question

"In your own words, what does capitalism mean?"
The American student asks "What does 'define' mean?"
The Russian student asks "What does 'capitalism' mean?"
The North Korean student asks "What does 'in your own words' mean?"

Today in class we were talking about s**....

The teacher asked us, "Ok class, does anybody know what the meaning of monotony is?"
I shouted out, "It's very boring!"
It was only in the principal's office that I realized she said monogamy.
**Based on a true story**

A joke I remember.

Teacher: What is your name?
New student: Spider-man.
Teacher: No, I mean your real name.
New student: Oh, I'm sorry….it's Peter Parker.

My teacher said she's been ill since December 31st...

I said 'that means you've been sick all year'

A teacher instructed a second-grade student to give a sentence about a public servant

"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant", he answered.
"Umm... Do you know what pregnant means?"
"Yes", said the boy. "It means carrying a child."

I wish teachers would stop putting so much emphasis on vocab tests

So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means. Its not the end of the world.

Why do English teachers never get depressed?

Why do English teachers never get depressed?
They're really good at finding meaning where none exists.

One from my chess teacher

"When a girl tells you you're going too far... she actually means you're coming too close."

"If you can't think of an eleven letter word that means 'not needed', I'm going to keep you behind after school for one hour," my teacher told me.

I said, "That's unnecessary."

My math teacher said I was doing average in math

That felt mean, because I thought I was doing intermedian in math, but I guess measures of center isn't really my mode of math.

I hate my Jewish English teacher who argues with me on the meaning of certain words and phrases

I guess I'm anti-semantic

Calvin had a mean teacher.

So when he missed a deadline for an assignment, Calvin begged for an extension.
The teacher said, No, I'm giving you a 0, Calvin.
Calvin replied, You are absolutely cold.

My high school English teacher was so mean!

She would walk around the classroom and stop to ask students random grammar questions. I remember this one time she was walking by my desk and she stopped, pointed at me and said "Quick, name 2 pronouns!"
Startled, I looked at her and replied "who, me?"

The kindergarten teacher asked her kids what the wanted to be when they grew up

One kid said, "I want to be a fireman!"
One kid said, "I want to be a policeman!"
One kid said, "I want to be possible!"
The teacher asked, "What do you mean you want to be possible?"
The boy said, "Well my mom always says that I'm impossible."

A mean spelling teacher walked in and saw "U R e**..." written on the board.

She didn't say anything but she did give them an evil i.

Most rides to the voting stations are free today so that means

Rides to most parent teacher conferences are free today too. Show up for your kid if your are going to show up to vote, Todd.

My son asked me,"Our feet touch air no matter what, does that mean we are always walking on air?"

I answered him,"Didn't the teacher tell you this? We walk on foot."

Teacher: Class, who can tell me what "group necrophilia"means?

Little Johnny: It's a desire to crack open a cold one with the lads.

A boy says to his teacher

"Miss, did you know that God uses our bathroom at home?"
"What do you mean, God uses your bathroom?"
"Well every morning my daddy bangs on the bathroom door and shouts 'God, are you still in there?!?'"

A teacher is trying to instruct her class on the meaning of the word "definitely".

"Can anyone give man an example?" She asks.
Suzie raises her "the grass is definitely green."
"Sometimes the grass can be brown," the teacher answers. "Anyone else?"
"The sky is definitely blue." Says Timmy.
"The sky can by gray if it's cloudy, or black at night." Says the teacher.
In the back of the class little Johnny raises is hand and asks, "do farts have lumps?"
Caught of guard the teacher says "No, of course not!"
Johnny replies, "Then I definitely pooped my pants."

A chemist walks into a pharmacy...

With a pained expression the chemist asks the pharmacist for some acetylsalicylic acid.
The pharmacist looks confused as he asks, "You mean aspirin?"
The chemist, still in pain replies with exasperation, "Yes! I can never remember that word." (Credit to Mr. Wilgus, my high school chemistry teacher 43 years ago.)
[edit for formatting]

My Spanish teacher's husband died last week

I approached her in class and said "Mucho"
"Thanks," she said, "that means a lot."
"Tanto."
"Oh my," she replied. "Thank you, that means so much."
"El mundo."
"Thank you so much," she said, "what you've said means the world."

A child got caught swearing in class today.

The teacher told him to stop saying those words. She also implies that he doesn't even know what it means
The child responded "I know what it means"
The teacher said "Oh yeah? Then what does it mean?"
The student said "It's when the car won't start"

Fed up

A small boy was asked by his teacher, "What is the size of the Democratic Party? " "About 5 feet 2 inches," he replied promptly. "NO! " exploded the teacher.. "I mean, how MANY members does it have? How did you get 5 feet 2 inches? " "Well," replied the boy, "my father is 6 feet tall and every night he puts his hands to his chin and says.. "I've had it up to HERE with the Democratic Party! "

Can you use urinate in a sentance?

A teacher is going over a vocabulary lesson with her class. She asked if they can use the word urinate in a sentance to show they know what it means. Tommy raises his hand and says "teacher before bed every night I have to urinate" the teacher says "very good tommy,, anyone else?" Billy raises his hand and promptly gets called on. He says "teacher, *you're an 8* but if you had bigger b**... you'd be a 10"

A teacher to her students,

"Lets talk about associate, or association. It means things that go together. You can associate plants with soil, and birds with trees. Now, can anyone tell me what we can associate with fish? Yes, Tommy?"
Tommy: "Chips!"
​
Source: Adapated from a joke in a 1913 newspaper