Mean Mom Jokes
83 mean mom jokes and hilarious mean mom puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mean mom that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Mean Mom Short Jokes
Short mean mom jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mean mom humour may include short mean your mom jokes also.
- Here's a joke my dad told me: What do you get when you cross mommy and daddy? A mistake
- I don't know what it means but Mom laughed really hard so it must be funny. Dad uses that joke a lot. - My mom said she's going to dig a hole in the garden and fill it full of water.... ....she means well
- Son, you were adopted! - what do you mean I was adopted? I saw a picture of mom pregnant..
- No. I mean you were adopted! Pack your things. Your new family is coming to pick you up! - My mom told me this joke the first time she met my gf. What are three 2 letter words meaning small?
Is it in? - Mom: I don't think you know what it means to thread a needle through cloth. Child: Yeah. Sew?
- Mom ! Mom ! The mean kids keep saying I have big ears ! "Oh really ? I'll talk to them. Where are they ?"
"In the next town over !" - "What does 'straight' mean?" ...asked the son.
Dad: Straight means something continuing in one direction without bending.
Son: Dad, is mom straight?
Dad: Yes son, she doesn't have any curves. - Mean Mom My mom was very mean. She would always complain to me "why can't you be like your cousin Jeffrey, WHY CAN'T YOU BE LIKE YOUR COUSIN JEFFREY!"
...My cousin Jeffrey died at birth. - Son: "Mommy why doesn't Gandhi have hair?"
Mom: "Because he never lies."
Son: "Ohh now I see why ladies have long hair." - I assume my mom and dad met at church... I mean, they always call each other brother and sister.
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Mean Mom One Liners
Which mean mom one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mean mom? I can suggest the ones about mom dad and old mom.
- Chris Christies mom told him to run. She didn't mean for president though...
- My mom is so mean.. ..she has no standard deviation
- Mom, what does hypocrisy mean? - Best Dank Memes Vine Compilation
- Mom: Huh, you can buy holy water at that church. Dad: You mean seltzer?
- Just because it's simple, doesn't mean it's easy Unless we're talking about your mom
- Q: What did I do in the bed last night.
A: Your mom. - Y'all this is sad, I might be adopted I mean, I don't even remember exiting my mom
*sigh* - Toy Story 4 Will Be About Sids Moms Toys Giving a whole new meaning to Buzz and w**...
- I bet I could insult your mom using math... Actually never mind its way too mean.
- Today my mom asked what "AF" means. I said: "mom, you sound dumb AF right now."
Quirky and Hilarious Mean Mom Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about mean mom you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hey mom jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mean mom pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny came home from school and heard the word "b*t**.
..." He asks his mom what the word meant and she responds, "It means priest." The next day little Johnny comes home and hears the word "sh*t" and asks his dad what it means. His dad answers, "It means food on the table." At school, he hears the word "f*cking" and asks his mom what it means. She responds, "It means getting ready." The next day a priest came over for dinner and little Johnny opened the door and says, "Hey son of a b*t**.... There's sh*t on the table and my parents are upstairs f*cking!"
Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned, "Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?" His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" asked his father. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom, flat on her back with her legs in the air, screaming, 'Jesus, I'm coming! I'm coming!' If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down, we'd have lost her for sure!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny came home from school and heard the word "b*t**.
..." He asks his mom what the word meant and she responds, "It means priest." The next day little Johnny comes home and hears the word "sh*t" and asks his dad what it means. His dad answers, "It means food on the table." At school, he hears the word "f*cking" and asks his mom what it means. She responds, "It means getting ready." The next day a priest came over for dinner and little Johnny opened the door and says, "Hey son of a b*t**.... There's sh*t on the table and my parents are upstairs f*cking!"
Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student.
Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night.
This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.
15 minutes looking for assignment.
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
8 minutes in the bathroom.
10 minutes getting a snack.
7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young teacher explains to her class of third graders that she is a born-again Christian.
She asks the class if any of them are born-again Christians too.
Not really knowing what it means to be born-again, but wanting to please and impress their teacher, many little hands suddenly shot up into the air.
There's just one girl who doesn't raise her hand.
So the teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
The girl says, "Because I'm not a Christian."
The teacher asks, "So what are you then? "
The girl replies, "I'm an atheist."
The teacher's a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks the girl why she's an atheist.
The girl says, "It's just that my family isn't religious. My Mom's atheist, and my Dad's atheist, so I'm atheist."rnrnThe teacher is now angry. "
That's no reason." she says loudly.
"What if your Mom was a m**..., and your Dad was a m**.... What would you be then?"
"Then," says the girl, "I'd be a born-again Christian."
Bertie comes sadly to his mommy and says, "
Mom, the kids have been mean to me. They keep teasing me that my feet are too big. Please tell me honestly. Are my feet to big?"
"Of course not, Bertie. Now go put your shoes in the garage, the dinner is ready."
Son: "What are you going to be for Halloween dad?"
Me: "Drunk"
Son: "What's mom gonna be?"
Me: "Mad"
My mother unexpectedly came by to visit.
Me: Hi mom, how long are you here for.
Mom: As long as you want son.
Me: You mean you can't even stay for a cup of coffee?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A teacher asks her students what their parents do for a living...
Jack answers, "my daddy's a scientist, and my mom is a nurse."
Suzie answers, "my mommy's an architect."
"And how about you, Johnny?" the teacher asks one student. Johnny looks up at her and says, "my dad works at a gay s**... club. Every night, he dances in a g-string for a bunch of men, and once in a while one of the men will pay him and he'll go to the man's house for the night." The teacher, shocked, hurriedly moves the class along to the next activity.
A little while later, she pulls Johnny aside while the rest of the students are working, and asks, "did you really mean that when you said your dad's a gay stripper?" Johnny looks up and says, "no, he's one of Mitt Romney's campaign managers, but that was too embarrassing to tell the whole class."
Little Johnny...
... came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?
His father thinking quickly said, Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.
Geee Dad that's great, said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!
What do you mean? said Dad.
Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming If it hadn't of been for Uncle Carl holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mom's birthday gifts
3 guys, who were brothers, were all discussing what gifts they were getting for their elderly mother for her birthday.
The first brother, named Michael, said, "I bought mom her very own Lexus and chauffeur. She was always complaining about not being able to drive well."
Jeremy, the second brother, said,"Well I bought mom a p**... apartment. She always complains about the house she lives in."
Lucas, the third brother, said, "Since mom always complains about not being able to read her bible well due to her poor vision, I bought a parrot that can recite bible verses perfectly!"
3 weeks later, the boys receive a letter from their mother. It read:
"To my 3 dear boys:
Thank you for all your nice gifts. However, I couldn't use the car that Michael gave me because I'm too old to go out anymore and the chauffeur is mean. The new p**... is nice, but it is too big for me to clean each day and I'm only ever in the bedroom. But Lucas, you did a fine job in choosing a gift. The chicken was delicious."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man's wife lay dying in the hospital...
with a mysterious illness. After the doctor said that there was nothing else he could do, he turned and left the couple alone in the room. The man asked his wife "Honey, is there anything I can do for you before you go?"
She weakly replied "Yes. I want you to go down on me."
Her husband was shocked. "What? Why? You mean right here, now?"
"Yes, please dear. It would make me happy one last time."
So the husband reluctantly begins to carry out his wife's request. As his wife nears c**..., she becomes more and more animated and finally screams out in pleasure.
The husband looks at her in shock, just as the doctors and nurses rush into the room. The wife looks at the everyone and says "I feel wonderful! Better than I've felt in my life!" The doctor, in disbelief, asked what had happened. The wife explained what had transpired, and just then her husband sat down on the bed weeping.
His wife asked, "Honey, why are you crying? You saved my life!"
Her husband answered her "Yes, and I'm so happy about that. It's just, to think, I could have saved Mom and Aunt Mary!"
What "being a man" is about
A little boy asks his father: "Dad, what does it mean to be a man". The father replies: "well son, being a man means that you're the person in control of the situation, you're the one who takes all the important decisions".
"Well" - the kid answers - "then I hope to be a great man when I grow up, just like mom is".
Legs in the Air
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said Little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming,"Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
A little girl wants to take her dog for a walk...
So she goes up to her mother and asks, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk?" Her mother says, "No, honey, the dog is in heat." The little girl asks, "What does that mean?" The mother tells her to go ask her father.
So then the little girl goes up to her dad and says, "Mom says I can't take the dog for a walk because she's in heat." The dad wipes the dog's backside with a rag that has gasoline on it and says, "Just take her around the block."
The little girl leaves with the dog, but comes back empty handed. Her father asks, "What happened to the dog?!"
"She ran out of gas so another dog is pushing her the rest of the way home."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny saw two dogs having s**... in the park...
... so he asks his mother what's going on.
The mom isn't ready to have "that talk" yet, so she makes up a story. "Well, Johnny," she says, "the d**... in the back hurt its front paws, so the one in the front is helping him get home."
Johnny thinks about that for a moment and then says, "Wow, so dogs are just like people, aren't they?"
The mom is puzzled by that. "What do you mean, Johnny?"
"Well," says Johnnie, "you try to help someone and you just end up getting s**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy confessing to mother about being Gay
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer
hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.
He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell
you. I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response,
and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the
p**... she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay,
doesn't that mean that you put other men's
p**... in your mouth?"
He says nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, I do."
His mother went back to stirring the p**..., then suddenly whirled around, and whacked him over the head with a frying pan and said, "Don't you
dare complain about the taste of my cooking ever again!"
A student goes away to college for the first time
He's worried about how his cat will take his absence, so he calls home the first chance he gets. His little brother answers the phone.
How's Mittens doing?
Oh, Mittens died.
What?
Yeah, Mittens is dead.
I can't believe that you just blurted it out like that.
What do you mean?
Well, you could have broken it to me gently. You could have said, 'She's up on the roof and we can't get her down.' Then next time I called you could say that Mittens fell and got hurt, and then next time you could say that she died. It wouldn't have been such a shock.
Yeah, I see what you mean. Sorry.
That's OK, just let me talk to Mom.
Uh, she's up on the roof and we can't get her down.
The Philosophical Defense Mechanism
The leopard crouches to pounce the gazelle.
The gazelle says, Are you sure you want to eat me?
Leopard pauses. Uh, why wouldn't i?
"Well, I mean, is this what you want to be doing with your life? Do you see yourself doing this in five years?"
"What do you mean? if I eat you now, you won't be here in five years." says the leopard.
The gazelle shrugs. Don't you have goals? Aspirations? 'Eating Gazelle' is setting the bar pretty minimally. Don't you want cubs?
"I… gee. Maybe write a screenplay…" The leopard sits down and sighs. "Look, I'm between opportunities right now, I'm in my mom's den. What can I offer a mate?"
"No, I understand, What went wrong?"
"Well I-"
The gazelle runs away.
To single moms...
To single moms, I feel like the saying "easy come easy go" has an entirely different meaning.
Walking the Dog... Who says dads can't think on their feet? And the innocence of little kids ...
A little girl asked her Mom,
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies,
"No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little
gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said,
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go
one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no
dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down
the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
Little Billy.
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard.
Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air.
Why are his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.
A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"
Seenus trouble
Dad: Son, I have seenus trouble.
Me: Seenus? Dont you mean sinus trouble, pops?
Dad: No, son. Seenus, I was out with my girlfriend and your mom seenus.
A teacher asks her class to use 'contagious' in a sentence
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.
"Our mean next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and my dad said it would take the contagious.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I accidentally j**... off to a picture of my mom this morning...
I mean its really not my fault though, most babies look alike.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A son comes home one day to see his mother...
When he sits down at the kitchen table while his mother is cooking, he calmly tells her, "Mom, I have something to tell you. I'm gay"
The mother has no reaction. She just continues cooking.
Again, the son says, "Mom, I am not sure if you heard me, but I wanted to tell you that I'm gay."
Again, the mother has no reaction, and just continues cooking.
The son says again, "Mom, I am gay. Did you hear what I told you?"
The mother stops cooking, walks to her son, and asks, "Does gay mean that you put other men's d**... in your mouth?"
The son tells her, "Yes, that is what it means."
The mother then slaps him and says, "Don't you ever complain about my cooking again"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My mom was complaining that I shouldn't have picked up Spanish in college...
And my Mexican dad goes: no! Spanish is quite easy. I mean look, if the *mexicans* managed to learn it...
**
My mom asked me if teenagers take everything people say personally
I said, "What's that supposed to mean?!"
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ms. Smith asked Johnny what his parents do for a living...
Ms. Smith asked Johnny what his parents do for a living.
Johnny said "My mom is a substitute."
Ms. Smith, knowing Johnny's mother said, "I think you mean p**...."
Johnny said, "No, my sister is a p**..., but when she doesn't feel well, my mom substitutes for her."
Little Totos and his father.
One day little Totos returning home after school, found his dog dead on the lawn with its feet up in the air. "Dad why did the dog die with his feet up in the air" said Totos, "That's because its easier for god to come and take him" his father replied. The other day when his father returned home from work Totos run to him and said with teary eyes "dad, mom almost died today", "what do you mean" his father said, "she was in your room with her legs up in the air and she was screaming Jesus am coming am coming, thank god our gardener was there and saved her"
I am the best!
So when someone says "mother knows best," they really mean your mom knows me..... intimately.
Mom, how come I still didn't get my period? I mean I'm already 19 and....
"Mom, how come I still didn't get my period? I mean I'm already 19 and Janet got hers when she was just 13!"
"Listen to me, Brian, you're NOT getting a period ever!"
A teacher asks her students to tell her an interesting hobby or skill that their dad can do...
Little Mary raises her hand and says, My dad can build a ship inside of a bottle!
That's really interesting Mary, says the teacher. How about you Billy, what can your dad do?
Billy replies, My dad can carve any animal out of wood!
That's an amazing skill Billy, replied the teacher. How about little Johnny? What can your dad do?
My dad eats light bulbs ! said little Johnny
Eats light bulbs? Can you explain what you mean? asked the teacher.
Well, I was in bed last night and I heard my dad say to my mom, if you turn the light out I'll eat it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The difference between technically and reality
One day, a little boy asks his father what the difference is between 'technically' and 'reality'.
"Son, to help you out, I'll give you something to do. Go ask both your mother and sister if they would sleep with the neighbour for $500,000".
The little boy goes up to ask them then comes back to his father after a little while.
"Dad, Dad! Mom and sis both said they would. What does that mean?"
"Well, son," the father says. "Technically, we're millionares but in reality we live with a couple of dirty w**...!"
The morning of his birthday, Timmy told his mom, I had a dream I got a BB Gun for my birthday. What do you think that dream means?
You'll know what it means tonight, Timmy's mom said with an encouraging smile. That night, after the birthday cake, Timmy's mom came in with a long narrow package and gave it to her son. Timmy tore the box open. Finally I get a BB gun, he thought. But he thought wrong. The box was empty except for a book called The Meaning of Dreams.
The kindergarten teacher asked her kids what the wanted to be when they grew up
One kid said, "I want to be a fireman!"
One kid said, "I want to be a policeman!"
One kid said, "I want to be possible!"
The teacher asked, "What do you mean you want to be possible?"
The boy said, "Well my mom always says that I'm impossible."
A kid goes to the kitchen in the morning
- What do we have for breakfast, mom?
- Look kid, just because I sleep with your father, doesn't mean you get to call me "mom".
- What do you want me to call you then?
- Just call me William
Dad comes home from a long day at work
He goes to his child who is singing and dancing around the house
Dad: hey baby, why you so happy?
Child: nothing I was thinking about today
Dad: what happened today?
Child: i think mom was about to go to heaven
Dad: wait.... she was what? What you u mean?
Child: well I was sitting in my room and I could hear mum screaming oh my god, I'm coming, I'm coming so I ran to her room to help her but luckily the postman was already on top of her holding her down.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
TIL that comparative brain scans of elephants reveal that they find humans to be "adorable".
I mean, your mom told me I was s**..., but I didn't realize that it was a biological reaction.
My coworker said that I act like a mean robot.
My question is, how should I feel about this? Also his mom has cancer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man decided to get a DNA test
When the results came, he confronted his parents because he found they weren't his real parents.
His mom, shocked and confused, tried to understand what had happened while his father tried to calm her down.
"I thought you knew" said the father.
"What do you mean?? How was I supposed to know he's not our son??" answered the mother.
The father calmly explained "Well, when we were leaving the hospital, he s**... himself and you told me to go back and change it"
A little girl came up to me today and said she was having a midlife crisis.
I chuckled and said "Don't be silly! How old are you?"
She said "6"
I laughed and said, "Then how are you going through a midlife crisis if you are only 6?"
She said "Well my mom is antivaxx, so I'm unvaccinated."
"Don't be ridiculous!" I said. "A midlife crisis means you're in the middle of your lifespan right now, while right now you'll probably be dead in a week."
My mom was telling my little brother about the food she ordered....
she said it had a middle eastern flavor to it. I then said said He doesn't even know what that means! To which he replied, Yes I do, it just means there's a bomb in it.
A wife and husband start talking about having kids.
Husband: Do you think your ready to have kids?
Wife: I'm not sure. They can be the greatest thing in a parent's life.
Husband: But they can be a handful.
Wife: So do you want kids?
Husband: No, not really.
Wife: I mean I think we would be awful parents anyway.
Husband: So is it decided we aren't having kids?
Wife: Yes.
Husband: Ok, kids you heard your mom it's time to leave, up!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Had a convo with my mom who doesn't know much about pop culture.
Mom: HEYY!!
Me: hey
Mom: I need a favor.
Me: w**...
Mom: what do you mean by w**...?
Me: What's The Favor
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A child walks up to their parents and asks
A child walks up to their parents and asks hey, mom and dad. Why did you name me Petal?
The parents smile and reply, When we got you home, a petal from a flower in the garden fell on your forehead . The child satisfied with the answer walked away.
The younger sibling came up and asked the same question.
Darling, we named you Droplet because when you got you out of a hospital, a rain drop fell on you head. Hence, Droplet , the parents replied.
Gharwaalalalaajahaha!!!! said the youngest child.
Oh shut up Refrigerator, don't be mean! the father yelled
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'd like to thank.....
Whoever told my Mom that w**... means Wow that's fantastic. Her texts are so much more fun now.
Mom sends her son out to play fetch with the dog. 5 minutes later both the son and the dog are back inside, looking grumpy.
"What happened?" Asks the mom.
"We lost the ball." says the boy.
"Oh no, where?" The dog replies: "Roof, roof"
Stunned, the mother says, "Did the dog just say it's on the roof?"
"No," the boy scoffs. "I mean the ball is up there, but the dumb dog's not talking."
The dog rolls its eyes at the mother and says, "Well, if your kid had a better arm I wouldn't have to."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
True story told by a friend: My nephew was gay and everyone knew it but he was slow coming out of the closet. One day, home from college, he was having breakfast and blurted out, "Mom - I'm gay."
She replied, "Does this mean that you sometimes put other men's p**... in your mouth?" Her son thought that this was an odd response but answered, "Yes." "Then I never want you to complain about my cooking again." (It was her hilarious way of saying that his orientation is not an issue for her.)
A Text From Mom
A mom sent a text to her son...
Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?
The son replied: I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later.
The mom replied back to him: It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Asian kid asks his mom
Mom, what does an Apple a day keeps the doctors away mean?
Mom says, ah, my dear son, it means that if you play games on your Apple phone everyday, you will never get your PhD
The new broom
Mom: "honey, I didn't see you use the super broom I bought you last year once....have you used it at all?"
Dad: "no I haven't needed to, it's doing its job perfectly where it is."
Mom: "what do you mean it's doing its job, you haven't even touched it for a whole year......?!?"
Dad: {smug face}...it's gathering dust just fine...{smuggier face}"
Mom: "{very angry face} \*storms out of the room mumbling to herself\*"
Dad: "\*winks at me\*"
