Mean Men Jokes
100 mean men jokes and hilarious mean men puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mean men that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Mean Men Short Jokes
Short mean men jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mean men humour may include short women men jokes also.
- What's the biggest difference between men and women? What they mean when they say I went through a whole box of tissues watching that movie .
- What's the difference between men and women when watching video? The phrase I went through a whole box of tissues watching that film. usually has a completely different meaning.
- Remember men, no means no, but one thousand no's and one yes is YouTube Premium's entire marketing scheme.
- If 1 / 9 men are homosexual, does that mean that statistically, there is at least 1 gay man in my class? If so then I hope it's Michael, he's cute.
- Saudi men are still not letting their wives drive I mean, that's ridiculous. You can't let an 8 year old drive!
- A recent study shows that 1 in every 10 men are gay. As a guy I find this really scary, that means that 1 of the last 10 dudes I slept with is gay.
- Some men say they don't wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. I mean...that's the point, isn't it?
- I saw a church's sign say "God is my Facebook." Does that mean two men can poke each other on God?
- One of the main differences between men and women Is the meaning of the phrase, "I used an entire box of tissues watching that movie."
- I don't understand why men are so worried about erectile dysfunction. I mean, it can't be that hard.
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Mean Men One Liners
Which mean men one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mean men? I can suggest the ones about mean people and men suits.
- What makes men mean? The letter *a*
- If Caitlyn Jenner is now a woman... Does that mean she's a part of the X-Men?
- I think my priest might be gay??? I mean he keeps saying "Ah, men."
- When a guy says he's fine what he really means is he's fine.
- When men say "I'm fine" they actually mean it.
Weirdos. - Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one.
- Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
- If 1 out of 8 men SUFFER from impotence Does that mean 7 out of 8 ENJOYS impotence?
- Fun fact: 69% of men find a s**... meaning in every joke
- Silence doesn't mean your s**... performance left her speechless.
- o**... says to a bald guy "Your hair ran away to find someone with a brain."
Silly Mean Men Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about mean men you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mean woman jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mean men pranks.
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.
The police arrive and ask for a description.
She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her.
He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."
The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.
She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "
Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied.
"They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, visualization, association,it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.
Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!"
He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.
"
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you. You've broken your finger!"
A man went with his wife on honeymoon and they were getting undressed together for the first time.
The man took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."
Men then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had Kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had Smallcox!"
Three men were in heaven discussing how they died.
The first man said, "I died in a car accident."
The second man said, "I died by drowning."
The third man said, "I died of seenus."
The first two men asked, "Do you mean sinus?"
The third man said, "No, I mean SEENUS. I was out with my best friend’s wife and he seen us!"
Husband says: "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied: "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"
Warning ladies!
Never trust a man who calls you "
s**...".
This is why. When he removes the letter 'Y' it means you're down for "s**...". After s**..., he will remove the letter "S" and start calling you his "EX".
When two men have s**... what position are they going to be in?
But what about when two dogs have s**...?
That means that the two men are having s**... d**... then what ways are the dogs having s**...?
That means that the dogs are having an affair with the men to have s**... d**....
A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy who's been drinking a lot."
The husband responds, "Who is he?"
The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage."
"Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.
A man, a woman, and a great survivor are trapped on an island.
The survivor finds a bunch of coconuts.
The man thinks to himself, "What if there are other people on the island? Then we won't be stranded!"
He throws coconuts at nearby ships, and the island was populated.
Everybody looks at him cross.
Then they kick him off the island.
He doesn't know the meaning of fear... but then again, he doesn't know the meaning of MOST words.
Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house.
Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.
Dear men, if you stopped seeing your wife as a woman, it doesn't mean that all men are blind.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments.
Which means they're ready for me.
Three men are traveling in the wilderness...
when they are captured by a tribe of hunters. When the three men are brought back to the tribe's village, they're confronted by the Chief's attendant. The attendant tells them that each of the three men has two choices. These two choices are either death or what the tribe refers to as "umbangi". "Umbangi" they come to realize means being bound and essentially r**... by the Chief. But afterwards the tribe will release you.
The first man says that he has a family back home and will do anything to see them again. He therefore chooses umbangi.
The second man says that he is too young to die and therefore chooses umbangi.
The third man, unlike the other two, is too proud to choose umbangi and therefore chooses death.
Upon hearing the third man's decision the Chief shouts out "Death by Umbangi!!!"
Cynical Meanings
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either."
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Olympics / opening ceremony jokes
Credit where credit's due - I got these from Sickipedia. I'm brand new here but I gather these would be appreciated...
*
I certainly enjoyed the opening ceremony which displayed the history of the early 20th century Britain.
I can't wait until the games are held in Germany.
*
So in the Olympic Opening Ceremony, British athletes can walk behind a bloke carrying the Union Jack and everyone cheers...
...But when the BNP do it it's frowned upon.
*
My mate asked me: "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?"
After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:
"Chinese," I replied.
*
I'm entering the m**... Tournament in the Olympics this year.
Very stiff competition though.
*
As I watched the woman's football today, my wife proudly quipped, "This just shows you how far the Olympics have come, women excelling at men's sports. What do you think this means?"
I don't think "22 blokes are forced to get a take-away tonight" was the answer she was looking for.
*
Well done Danny Boyle. Nothing says "London" better than youths setting fire to stuff.
*
7 years the London Olympics have been in the making.
Never has it taken so long for a large number of foreigners to enter the country.
I never remember silly things
A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time.
One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife.
Really? ,
one of the men said, what's it called? After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, what are those good smelling flowers called again?
Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned.
Yes that's it, he exclaimed.
Looking over at his wife he said, Rose what's that restaurant we went to the other night?
The grace of the hunt
Two brothers, who are hunters, get invited to a very famous Hunting club by their father. Once there, they mingle with the members and have an awesome time. Tons of drinking, lots of stories about big game hunting. As the night was nearing it's end, the young men's father asks them if they would be interested in speaking to the club's oldest member, and they, of course, jump at the opportunity. Their father points them to a very frail looking elderly man sitting in a recliner. The young men introduce them selves, tell the old man some of their stories, and all three of them clearly enjoy each other's company. Just as the young brother's were about to leave, the old man starts to tell them his greatest story.
" I was hunting alone in the African wilderness. I found myself with no food, water or shelter. As the day was coming to an end, i barely managed to gather enough wood for a fire. I start to doze off with my rifle in hand, when i hear a rustling sound behind me. I jump to my feet and, just as i turn around, a 600 pound, male lion jumps out at me and lets out a great big ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! And, i just crapped my pants"
The young hunters look at one another. Finally, one of them says " I mean, sir. Given the circumstances anyone would have done so".
"NO!" the old man replies, "Not then, just now when i said ROOOOOOAAARRRR!!!"
Searching for Sasquatch
Two men are on a hunt through the forest looking for Sasquatch.
After days and days of searching and not even finding a footprint, they happen to run into an old native man.
They ask the man "Have you by any chance seen a Sasquatch around here?"
Confused, he replies "Sasquatch?"
They answer him "Sasquatch..you know; big, hairy, smells bad.."
"Oh!" he replies. "You mean squawsnatch!"
A Brazilian people killed.
One day a man is sitting next to a blond woman who is reading the newspaper.
She is visibly upset while reading a particular article. He can't help but look over and see what she's reading. He sees the headline
"s**... b**... kill two Brazilian men on bus".
He understands why she is upset now, so he strikes up a conversation with her.
She confesses "I have seen these before, but this is getting crazy. I mean, two Brazilian men killed? How many is in a Brazilian again?"
Some Japanese business men take out an American exec out on the town...
to show him a great time. They hit a bunch of restaurants and eventually settle at a local bar and drink heavily. As the night is coming to an end, the Japanese men think it would be hilarious if they send the American man home with a Japanese h**.... In a drunk state, he agrees and is sent to his hotel room with a Japanese lady of the night.
As they begin to had a good ole time, she starts yelling almost immediately "Machigatta ana!". Not understanding Japanese, he thinks he is doing an AMAZING job. I mean he has her screaming at the top of her lungs the same phrase over and over "Machigatta ana!!". Thinking she is screaming in pleasure he then proceeds to scream this pleasure phrase as well "Machigatta ana! Machigatta ANA!!!".
The next day the Japanese and American man go golfing. The American man goes up for his turn and hits the ball to which all the Japanese men yell "MACHIGATTA ANA!!". Confused, the American man turns to them and asks "I'm sorry, What does that mean?" To which one of the men replies "Oh, it mean 'Wrong Hole' ".
Keeping promises to the grave.
Husband and wife are talking.
H: "Tell me the truth, honey: did you ever cheat me?"
W: "Oh, sweetheart, don't say such things"
H: "I mean it, Jennifer. If you would ever cheat on me, I would turn in my grave"
W: "I swear I never did and never will, my love. I would never have s**... with another man but you"
Some time later the man dies and after a month the wife dies too. She finds herself in front of the gates of heaven. Approaches to Saint Peter.
"I'm sorry your holiness, I'm looking for a man who died one month ago..."
"Kind lady, every day thousands of men arrive here. Could you be more specific?"
"His name is Jason. He... used to say he would turn in his grave if I cheated on him."
Saint Peter's eyes lights up and bursts laughing. Calls a nearby angel.
"Gabriel, go tell "The Windmill" that his wife arrived."
A teacher asks her students what their parents do for a living...
Jack answers, "my daddy's a scientist, and my mom is a nurse."
Suzie answers, "my mommy's an architect."
"And how about you, Johnny?" the teacher asks one student. Johnny looks up at her and says, "my dad works at a gay s**... club. Every night, he dances in a g-string for a bunch of men, and once in a while one of the men will pay him and he'll go to the man's house for the night." The teacher, shocked, hurriedly moves the class along to the next activity.
A little while later, she pulls Johnny aside while the rest of the students are working, and asks, "did you really mean that when you said your dad's a gay stripper?" Johnny looks up and says, "no, he's one of Mitt Romney's campaign managers, but that was too embarrassing to tell the whole class."
A couple of r**... men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.
A couple of r**... men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
If Only You Had Looked
Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I rushed down to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but found no one there either. I went as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both be still alive."
Some men are discussing the meaning of life...
Some men are sitting around discussing the meaning of life.
One turns and asks the others, "If tomorrow all your loved ones found themselves at a f**..., gathered around your casket, what would you want to hear them say?"
One starts off saying, "I hope they would say I was a good father and husband".
The next says "I want them to say I was not only successful, but a kind and generous man too".
"I'd want them to say", says the last man, "Hey look, he's moving!"
A business man goes to Japan for a business meeting...
This man gets there late at night. He was feeling a little lonely, so he got a Japanese h**.... He has his way with the h**... and feels like he did a pretty good job, considering she was screaming out one word the entire time in Japanese. The next day, this man went golfing with the Japanese business men he was going to meet with. During their golf outing, he gets a hole in one! The Japanese men start screaming and celebrating in Japanese words. The man got very excited too and yelled out the only Japanese word he could think of, and that was the one he learned from his h**.... He yelled out this word, and all the Japanese business men look at him strangely. One of them comes up to the business man and asks "what you mean wrong hole?"
Two men see a dog l**... its n**...
The first man says, "I wish I could do that." The second man says, "What do you mean? Anyone can lick a dog's n**...."
I was watching the Cosmos, when Neil Degrasse Tyson related our genes are similar to ones in trees
That means that all men have got wood in dem jeans.
Guy confessing to mother about being Gay
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer
hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.
He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mom, I have something to tell
you. I'm gay."
His mother made no reply or gave any response,
and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the
p**... she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay,
doesn't that mean that you put other men's
p**... in your mouth?"
He says nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mom, I do."
His mother went back to stirring the p**..., then suddenly whirled around, and whacked him over the head with a frying pan and said, "Don't you
dare complain about the taste of my cooking ever again!"
FAIR EXCHANGE
Two couples go on vacation together. After a week, they are thoroughly bored.
The men decide that maybe life will take on new meaning if they change partners. They all agree that it's an experiment worth trying.
The morning after the switch, one of the husbands says, ''I'm glad we tried this. It was exhilarating. Come on, let's go in the other room and see how the girls got on.''
Many times when I am troubled or confused...
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a v**... Martini along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
A man is walking along when he sees a f**... procession going by
A man is walking along when he sees a f**... procession going by, the longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
"Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief, but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is the f**... for?"
"Well, it's nothing special, really, the f**... is for the mother-in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman attacked and killed her."
"That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
"Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
Two Irish men were talking one morning..
"You were so drunk yesterday!", said Callum.
"Why, What did I do?", said David.
"You took a taxi home!"
"So what, it means i don't wan't to get caught for drunk drivin'!"
"The party was at your OWN HOUSE!"
There were two old men sitting on a park bench
...passing the day away talking.
One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?"
The second old guy replied, "I think she may be dead!"
"What do you mean you THINK she is dead?" asked the first man.
"Well..." explained the second man, "the s**... is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."
The first testicular guard, the "cup", was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means that it only took 100 years for men to figure out that their brain is also important.
Quit laughing.
IMPROVE YOUR MEMORY
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?
Outstanding , Fred replied. They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference for me .
That's great! What about the name of the clinic?
Fred went blank. He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?
You mean a rose?
Yes, that's it!
Then he turned to his wife and asked: Rose, what was the name of that clinic?
If two heads are better than one...
Then does that mean men are better than women? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
I got a call from my brother the other day...
I found out he was diagnosed with an intense fear of wanting to have s**... with other men; Homonymphobia. Which really freaked me out because I have a fear of words that sound the same but mean different things.
A son comes home one day to see his mother...
When he sits down at the kitchen table while his mother is cooking, he calmly tells her, "Mom, I have something to tell you. I'm gay"
The mother has no reaction. She just continues cooking.
Again, the son says, "Mom, I am not sure if you heard me, but I wanted to tell you that I'm gay."
Again, the mother has no reaction, and just continues cooking.
The son says again, "Mom, I am gay. Did you hear what I told you?"
The mother stops cooking, walks to her son, and asks, "Does gay mean that you put other men's d**... in your mouth?"
The son tells her, "Yes, that is what it means."
The mother then slaps him and says, "Don't you ever complain about my cooking again"
I hate restaurants that have quirky and confusing ways of displaying men and woman bathroom signs. I mean, what am I?!?
Am I a kitchen or an exit?
An American man goes on a business trip to Japan.
And he arrives there a day early before the meeting. So he decides to enjoy the night-life a little bit. The man goes out to a bar, picks up a lady after having a few drinks, and takes her back to the hotel. Eventually they start having s**... and the lady keeps saying, "Oshi Moshi! Oshi Moshi!"
The man thought that was weird but he kept going. The next day, he meets some business men on a golf course and sees one of them shank the ball. The guy is absolutely livid and shouts, "Oshi Moshi!"
The American man looks at him and asks, "I hate to bother you, but what does 'oshi moshi' mean?"
The golfer replies, "wrong hole!"
Two men sit collecting donations on either side of the walkway leading up to the church...
One wore a giant cross on his chest, the other wore a giant star of David on his chest.
Every day people would look at the guy with the star of David, smile and give an extra donation to the guy with the cross. Every now and then, someone would toss a few cents to the guys with the star of David.
After a few months several of the congregants approached the man with the star of David and asked him - we don't mean to be rude or anything but perhaps you'd do better at the synagogue down the road.
The guy looked across towards his fellow begged and yelled - Moishe, they're telling us how to run our business!
Two men are drinking away their sorrows...
In a bar high above the city when one says to the other "I think I want to kill myself." They other guy says "You know what? Me too. Let's do it." They walk over to the window and both jump out.
A few minutes later the second guy walks in the door and sits back down at the bar. The bartender says:"You sure are a mean drunk, Superman."
I just learnt that boxing is about two guys fighting the urge to come out as gay...
I mean. Two shirtless men fighting over a belt and a purse.
And they have to have another guy near them at all times who's entire job is to stop them from hugging.
An elderly couple were invited to their friend John's house for the evening
John's wife served dinner, and after eating, the men's wives went through to the kitchen to clean up.
As the men were chatting, one says to the other: "I brought my wife to a great restaurant last night, I really recommend it"
"What was it called?" replied the other
The first man thought for a while, "What's the word for that flower, you know the one with thorns on, usually red I think...?"
"A rose you mean?"
"Ah yes, that's it." He turned round and called into the kitchen, where his wife was washing dishes, "Rose, what was the name of the restaurant we went to yesterday?"
Dave went in a public toilet to make his bussines when next to him comes a black man.
Really impresed by the man's attributes he could not not ask him:
How come that you black men have a really big whiney?
The guy, offended by the racial stereotype, replied:
Well, every morning I smash it as much as I can on the table. In two week it grows almost a centimeter.
"Cool" ! Though Dave.
After cirka three week Dave meet again the guy and asked him:
Hello ! I've been looking for you! I've did what you said but it's not working really well. I mean the color is there but it's not growing at all...
Daughter: What does g**... mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other - two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what's 'penetrating g**...'?
Me: Er... read me the whole sentence
Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze"
Me: Oh
Two men stand on opposite sides of a river.
One of the men says to the other, How do I get to the other side? The other replies, What do you mean? You're already on the other side.
Men aren't pieces of meat either ladies.
This one lady bent over to sign her credit card receipt stood up giggling.
I mean I'm only a piece of meat when I'm off the clock.
Be extra safe on the roads today everybody, us men will be drinking
Which means our women will be driving
An American businessman was meeting with the managers of the Tokyo office.
His first night in town, he had a h**... come up to his hotel room. While they were engaging in s**..., the h**... kept squirming moaning, "Sung wa! Sung wa!" The businessman didn't know Japanese, but figured the h**... was really into him, and "Sung wa" must mean some expression of pleasure.
The next day, he and three of the managers were playing golf. In the middle of the round, one of the Japanese men shot a hole in one. The American shouted, "Sung wa!"
The Japanese man turned and said, "Wrong hole? What you mean 'wrong hole'?"
The difference between men and women is that men insult each other but don't really mean it
and women compliment each other but don't really mean it.
God, Mary and the sanctity of marriage
Father explains why marriage is sacred. He gives his son all of the relevant information for procreation, marriage, God, Mary etc. Thinking that he has given his son the best information, his son responds:
So, if marriage is sacred/religious, why is God single? (There's no Mrs God!) BUT he got Mary pregnant and left her. So, doesn't that mean God is a baby-daddy, and some of these men are just walking in the footsteps of the Lord?
Father: (awkward silence)
So you know about how men with small p**... drive massive pickup trucks to compensate?
I wonder what it means that my daily driver is a bicycle...
Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.
The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.
Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.
His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…
Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?
The other man says, You mean the rose?
His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!
He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?
Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.
The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.
Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.
His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…
Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?
The other man says, You mean the rose?
His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!
He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?
A joke about heaven
A woman died and arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter said Yes?
I want to come in please ..... Name? ...... Smith. .... Know anyone here who will vouch for you ? .... Mmmm, my husband maybe ? Have you any idea how many men named Smith we have up here, is there any way to help identify him? Was he tall or short? No - average Smart or dumb . No - Average . Oh! This is getting us nowhere did he say anything just before he died? Yes! He said that if I was unfaithful to his memory he would turn in his grave At last! I know who you mean, we call him revolving Smith
They recently removed the u**... from our mens washroom at work...
I really miss that u**.... I mean I missed it once in awhile when it was there... But now I really miss it!
The young man finally made up his mind to tell his mother he was gay.
He could no longer keep it a secret so one evening when she was in the kitchen making supper, he took the plunge and told her.
Mum, I have something to tell you, I'm gay.
Immediately, his mother replied, Does being gay mean you have men's d**... in your mouth?
Well … stammered the young man. Yes, it does.
In that case, she said angrily, don't you ever criticise my cooking again.
Daughter: What does g**... mean?
**Daughter:** What does g**... mean?
**Me:** Well, you know - mum and dad love each other. Two men can love each other the same way.
**Her:** So what's '*penetrating g**...'*?
**Me:** Er... Read me the whole sentence.
**Her:** *"She stared at him with a penetrating gaze."*
**Me:** Oh!
"Dad, what does g**...' mean?"
Me: You know how mum and dad love each
other? Well, two men can love each other the same
way.
Daughter: So what is 'penetrating g**...'?
Me: Er.. read me the whole sentence.
Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze."
Me: Oh.
True story told by a friend: My nephew was gay and everyone knew it but he was slow coming out of the closet. One day, home from college, he was having breakfast and blurted out, "Mom - I'm gay."
She replied, "Does this mean that you sometimes put other men's p**... in your mouth?" Her son thought that this was an odd response but answered, "Yes." "Then I never want you to complain about my cooking again." (It was her hilarious way of saying that his orientation is not an issue for her.)
