Mean Friend Jokes
138 mean friend jokes and hilarious mean friend puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mean friend that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Mean Friend Short Jokes
Short mean friend jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mean friend humour may include short true friend jokes also.
- My friend just told me, 'I hope you die in a deep hole filled with water'. I know he means well.
- My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water" I know he means well...
- The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
- My friend is really optimistic and is always telling me : "Cheer up, you could be in a deep hole filled with water..." I know he means well...
- My friend always tells me "cheer up, at least you aren't stuck in a deep hole full of water" I know he means well...
- My friend keeps saying, "cheer up, man. You could be in an underground hole full of water." I know he means well.
- My friend told me that I don't understand the meaning of irony... ...which was ironic because we were at a train station
- My friend was like "Cheer up, man. It could be worse. You could be in a hole in the ground full of water." I know he means well.
- A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example: - Jane ate her friend's sandwich.
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- - Jane ate her friend's colon. - I just saw that Harry Potter film. I think its a bit unrealistic if you ask me.. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends? How?
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Mean Friend One Liners
Which mean friend one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mean friend? I can suggest the ones about close friends and bad friend.
- My wife left me for my best friend. Well, I mean now he's my best friend.
- I asked a lot of my gay friends what does LGBTQ+ mean. I couldn't get a straight answer.
- I went up to my Hispanic friend and said Mucho. It means a lot to him.
- One time a friend called me average... to which I replied, you're mean.
- My friend says he's doing good he means well
- What does, Preguntando por un amigo, mean? Asking for a friend.
- I like saying 'mucho' in front of my Spanish friends It means a lot to them.
- My friends say I'm condescending... That means I talk down to people.
- I always say mucho to my Spanish friends It means alot to them
- I like to say "mucho" to my Spanish friends... Because I know it means a lot to them.
- I like to use the word 'muchos' around my Spanish friends I know it means a lot to them.
- My friend called me average the other day; That's just mean!
- I always say el mundo to my Spanish friend It means the world to him
- My friend told me I'm average I thought it was mean
- My friend told me to get in shape I mean isn't round a shape ?
Rib-Tickling Mean Friend Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about mean friend you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean best friends jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mean friend pranks.
At age 4, success means not peeing in your pants
At age 12, success means having friends
At age 17, success means having a driver's licence
At age 25, success means having s**...
At age 35, success means having money
At age 45, success means having money
At age 55, success means having s**...
At age 65, success means having a driver's licence
At age 75, success means having friends
At age 85, success means not peeing in your pants.
A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old...
During the wedding party, his friends ask him, How'd you land someone that young?
It's simple, said the billionaire, I faked my age!
I mean, I'm 43, and there's no way I could land her! , a friend exclaims. What age did you tell her you were?
Smiling mischievously, the billionaire responds, 85 years old.
Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)
Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied Ya, well I sew women's underpants. He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.
Ole was asked the same question, to which he replied Diesel fitter. He too was told to go to the next line to get his unemployment check.
After Sven and Ole collected their checks, they compared them outside. Ole's check was twice as much, which made Sven furious. He stormed back inside and asked to talk with a manager. He demanded to know why his check was half of what Ole's was. The manager told him, Well, you were a tailor, your friend Ole has a specialty in engine repair.
Sven's anger was boiling over. He loudly told them, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I sew the underpants and put them in a pile, Ole holds them up and says Ya, diesel fitter. What has that got to do with engines?
Today my friend met Chewbacca...
...she said he was "A big s**... fur ball." So he picked her up ripped of her arms and threw her out of a window. I mean everyone knows not to insult Chewbacca like that.
She made a Wookie Mistake.
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant...
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a s**... count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
The Argument
A woman has had a huge argument with her husband and is on the phone having a long chat with her friend when she sees her husband returning home with a huge bouquet of flowers.
"Oh no," says the woman. "My husband's home and he's brought a huge bunch of flowers for me."
Her friend is a little surprised. "But that's so sweet of him!"
"Ugh," says the woman. "It means I have to spend all night on my back with my legs in the air."
The friend pauses for a moment. "Don't you have a vase?"
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack", he says, "I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday".
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger. He says that his dad is m**... Jagger, and it's okay for him to take out all of the money because he is friends with the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says "Sure, have this", and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink, and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty tells him that she'll have to consult with the bank manager. She then disappears into the back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral". She holds up the tiny elephant pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone".
Shall I wear pants to work?
A young woman was applying for a teaching position in Britain and, while talking to an HR guy asked him:
Am I supposed to wear a skirt all the time or shall I sometimes wear pants?
After a few seconds of silence the HR guy responded:
If you mean pants that are trousers then yes. Of course you can wear them to work. If you mean pants that are underwear… Well… It's up to you.
P. S. That really happened to a friend of mine.
My kids will be friends with people of all colors of the rainbow.
That means no black people.
A man visits the doctor
and then he meets a friend.
Friend: Whatsup, where you been?
Man: Ive visited the doctor
Friend: What did he say?
Man: 200 Dollars
Friend: Yeah, but what do you have
Man: I have 50 dollars
Friend: I Mean whats the problem?
Man: 150 dollars
I m not sure if it makes any sense in English, but i tried
Statistics humour
The median and the mode walked into a bar. The bartender asks, "Where's your other friend". The median says, "We don't like him anymore. He's mean."
An Englishman went on a business trip to Japan...
When he got there, he stayed in a nice hotel and decided to call a prostitution service. Not knowing a single word of Japanese, it was he struggled with the ordering process.
When the girl finally arrived, they stripped down and get down to business... They were having a blast and the girl kept screaming **"Machigatta ana, Machigatta ana..!!"** Deciding that it was a sign that the girl was pleasantly satisfied, he thought nothing of it and continued all night long.
The next morning, the Englishman went and have a round of golf with his Japanese business partner. His business partner swung first.... **BAM!** **Hole in one!**
"Nice shot my friend, machigatta ana..." said the Englishman
Looking puzzled, his business partner replied
"That shot was perfect... but what do you mean 'wrong hole'?"
I was flirting with an Asian girl at a bar last night when I decided to ask for her number.
She replied, "s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 6663629".
For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'
This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 6**...-3629."
Two guys are driving down a country road. The first one looks out the window and says:
"hey look, a bunch of cows!"
The second guy looks at him and says: "no, you mean a herd of cows!"
His friend looks back at him and says: "of course I've heard of cows!"
The second guy then says: "no no no! I mean a cow herd!"
The first guy, looking confused, says: "what do I care what a cow heard!!?? I have no secrets from a cow!"
Many times when I am troubled or confused...
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a v**... Martini along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
I just watched Harry Potter for the first time and it was a little unrealistic
I mean, a ginger with two friends?
"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife.
"If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have s**... with you then her."
"You mean 'than'."
"No."
My dog was l**... his nuts. My friend said, I wish I could do that.
I said, You better pet him first, he's kind of mean.
My friend showed me a black computer he wanted to buy...
I said "Dont you mean an African American computer?" and he replied "Stop being so PC"
A Chinese girl asked to get a ride from me.
so I said no problem give me your number I will call you when I leave home
She said, "s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!" I said, "HOLD ON!"
Then her friend said, "She means ....6**...-3629."
Found this one on Wikipedia of all places
Two young women are drinking tea together. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. One of the women opens the door and finds a courier with a big great bouquet of roses. She walks inside and reads to her friend: *"Much love from your boyfriend!"* She immediately groans out: *"You know what this'll mean? This'll mean I'll be lying on my back with my legs spread wide open for the next two weeks!"* To which her friend says, *"Don't you have a vase?"*
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said,
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6**...-3629.
A boy tells his father that humans are cruel
"Hmm okay, but why?" asked the father.
"Well some people out there are hanging horses" said the son.
The father let out a confused chuckle, "What do you mean people are hanging horses?!"
The son tells him "well I overheard mum telling her friend that the plumber who came over to fix the drain pipes was hung like a horse."
"Hey, you know where there's a theater around here?"
The man responds "Yeah, just around the corner and a block down. You plan on seeing a performance?"
The blonde answers "Yep, a friend told me about a comedic play called 'Puns', apparently is based around words, whatever that means."
"Wait, what exactly did your friend tell you?"
"That he really likes 'Puns': a funny play on words"
My friend recently visited London.
He said everyone was very polite, except in Greenwich. Whenever he asked someone for the time they got all mean about it.
Two tugboat captains have been friends for years.
They would always cry, "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.
A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"
The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of ... an aye for an aye?"
Asked a Chinese girl for her number last night
She shouts "s**...! s**...! s**...! free s**... tonight!"
Yes please, I said.
Her friend pipes up and says "She means 6**...-3629"
w**... caught Buzz and Bo Peep having toy s**...
w**...: "What's the meaning of this???!!"
Bo Peep: "You got a friend in me..."
Hole in the Ground
My friend said to me, "I can't believe a dumb hole in the ground filled with water is working this good."
I know he means well.
You would think that atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to eachother
But instead they steal each others electrons.
How ionic.
s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "s**...! s**...! s**...! Free s**... tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6**...-3629."
I have a friend who is a cross dressing dwarf. Does that mean he's gay?
I means he's a little gay.
I don't know the meaning of the word "quit." I was going to look it up, but...
I still have some suicidal thoughts, but most of them have already killed themselves.
I'm a perfectionist. I've been writing and rewriting a s**... note for twelve years. It's killing me.
My friend asked, Must you write so many s**... jokes?
Don't worry. I'll stop soon.
A slightly overweight transgendered person walks into a health food store
the manager instantly runs up and tells her to leave the store, "why?" she asks confusedly, the manager points angrily at a sign on the door
"No trans fats"
(I dont mean to offend anyone, I just heard this from a trans friend.)
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days...
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse , I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.
I know he means well.
Quaker home defense
one night john had come home for the day, exhausted from being plain and keeping thoughts to himself and went straight to bed. During the night someone broke in and this roused him from his sleep. leaping into action john grabbed his musket and charged downstairs. upon meeting the robber he leveled his musket and yelled
"friend I don't mean to alarm you but you're standing between me and where I want to shoot"
Can you work a pole?
So the other night my friends and I are having a few drinks and our one female friend is an ex-stripper, so we got into the topic of dancing and she looked at me and said yeah, can you work a pole xschlots? And for some reason the first comment that comes out is I mean yeah my family's mostly German. Working poles was our thing I have never heard a more deafening silence followed by laughter
I would tell my friend his math jokes are average at best.
But that's just being Mean.
A mathematician wasn't too confident about his appearance...
So he asked his friend to compare his good looks in terms he could understand.
After little thought his friend says: "You're about as good looking as you are bad looking."
"Well that's just mean."
I've been meaning to make more friends recently...
So I've joined a s**... cult and I'm going to hang with them for a while.
Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke
(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)
The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.
- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.
- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.
- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.
- Will do.
- Thank you. *hangs up*
- Wait. What do you mean "if"?
A friend just got a brand new grand piano
I complimented him on it by saying it plays like a baby. He asked what did I mean by that? I said it's smooth, beautiful, and it makes an unbelievable racket if you kick it down a flight of stairs.
My friend was in a comma
The doctor said "Do you mean coma?" and I replied "No, it's just a short rest."
I cooked a medium-rare steak for my friend, and he said, I like it Well Done.
I said, Thanks buddy. That means a lot.
A friend of mine...
A Friend of mine told me my math skills are average.
That's just mean
For some reason, all my friends think I'm too patronizing
That means they think I talk to people like they're s**....
A man is asked to speak at his best friend's f**....
He walks up to the front of the church and stands in front of the casket. Overcome with emotion, he pauses, and then says, "Plethora . . . plethora." After that he goes back into the pews and sits next to the deceased man's widow. She leans over and says to the guy, "Thanks. That means a lot."
Me : Well you know 'change is inedible'
Friend : Do you mean 'inevitable'?
Me : (spits out nickels) nope.
I was at the f**... of my friend Steve and started talking to his widow.
Me: "I'm sorry for your loss, at least he's not suffering anymore."
Her: "He was shot. The doctor said he died instantly."
Me: "I mean he doesn't have to deal with you now"
My lesbian friend just bought me a rolex for my birthday.
I don't mean to be rude, but that's not what I meant when I said "I wanna watch".
Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other
A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"
The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"
My friend Doug shocked and hurt me.
He told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a horrible thing to say to a friend? It totally ruined our bath.
Me: Dude, I can't believe that 2017 was 7 years ago.
Friend: What do you mean, 7 years ago is like 2013..
Me: That's why I ain't believing it.
Hilarious Joke
A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. My life is a mess, he says. My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I'm as jittery as a cat.
Why don't you go see a psychiatrist? suggests the collie.
I can't, says the poodle. I'm not allowed on the couch.
I asked my friend if the last joke I posted was mean.
He said no, it was way below average.
I gave my friend a giftcard that said "many".
He replied, "That means a lot".
Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.
The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.
Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.
His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…
Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?
The other man says, You mean the rose?
His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!
He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?
Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.
The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.
Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.
His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…
Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?
The other man says, You mean the rose?
His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!
He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?
A friend told me "Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be trapped in a deep hole filled with water"
I know he means well
So today my six year old daughter ask me where she came from.
Now, I've always said, when she asks, it means she's ready to hear the truth, and I will explain the truth as best I can and it's appropriate for her age.
So, I explain to my six-year-old daughter, the facts of life. To which she replies, wow my friend Debbie said she came from Oklahoma.
My friend came over to visit the other day.
He saw my German Shepherd in the corner l**... his b**... and said "boy...I sure wish I could do that."
I said "well you should probably pet him first, he can be pretty mean."
My French friend was sad, so I said 'Le monde'
'Thanks' she replied 'That means the world to me'
A friend was complaining about Italians. d**... those Italians and their slanted eyes! , he said.
I replied, I think you mean *italics*.
My friend told me to go die in a deep hole filled with water
I know he means well
while playing poker my friend said "my hand trumps your hand"
So I said "alright that means you lose but won't acknowledge it, right?"
