Mean Blonde Jokes
44 mean blonde jokes and hilarious mean blonde puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mean blonde that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Mean Blonde Short Jokes
Short mean blonde jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mean blonde humour may include short quick blonde jokes also.
- A blonde walks into a bank and says "Hands in the air! This is a screw-up!" The banker, confused, says "Surely you must mean a 'stick-up'." The blonde responds, "No, I forgot the gun."
- If blonde indicating left turn before intersection it does not mean she will turn right. She most likely will go stright.
- I just broke the blonde stereotype I just got a B on my IQ test, that means I'm above average!
- What did the blonde say after getting arrested for the i**... possession of drugs? "What do you mean i**... possession?!? I bought these drugs fair and square!"
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Mean Blonde One Liners
Which mean blonde one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mean blonde? I can suggest the ones about smart blonde and hot blonde.
- Why did the blonde wear green lipstick? Because red means stop ;D
- Why don't blondes smoke m**...? They don't know what ampheta means...
Silly Mean Blonde Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about mean blonde you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean working blondes jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mean blonde pranks.
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing.
The police arrive and ask for a description.
She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her.
He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."
The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.
She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"
A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.
One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
Two blondes
Two blondes are going on a nature walk, but only a few wrong turns and they completely lose their way. They try to find their way again, but they become even more lost. After a few hours, they begin to panic, but before long, they come across some tracks. They figure they can follow them to safety. After a few minutes of following them, the first blonde says, "It's good we found these bear tracks."
The second one says, "You mean moose tracks."
They stop and argue about it for five minutes. Then, a train hits them.
Carpet matches the curtains
10 year olds Andy, Ben, and Chuck are having lunch at school on Monday morning and Andy says, "My Pa said that Mrs. Jones carpet doesn't match the curtains. What does that mean?"
Ben informs him that it is when a lady's p**... hair doesn't match the hair on her head.
Chuck proposes that they see if their respective teachers, Mrs Adams, Ms Brown, and Mrs Carter have matching carpet and curtains.
The boys spend the week trying to peek up their teachers' skirts. They meet up at lunch on Friday to discuss their discoveries.
Andy says, "It's a scandal: Mrs Adams bleaches her hair blonde, she's actually a brunette."
Ben says, "It's so crazy: Ms Brown dyes her hair red, she's actually a blonde."
Chuck says, "That's nothing: Mrs Carter wears a wig!"
A Brazilian people killed.
One day a man is sitting next to a blond woman who is reading the newspaper.
She is visibly upset while reading a particular article. He can't help but look over and see what she's reading. He sees the headline
"s**... b**... kill two Brazilian men on bus".
He understands why she is upset now, so he strikes up a conversation with her.
She confesses "I have seen these before, but this is getting crazy. I mean, two Brazilian men killed? How many is in a Brazilian again?"
An entrepreneurial blonde is looking for some extra cash
So she goes door to door asking people if they have any odd jobs they need done. Around the third house or so, a sharply dressed man answers the door. She inquires about the jobs, and the wheels in his head start turning. He's been meaning to paint the massive porch that takes up the entire rear of his massive house, but such a job would take at least 3 hours.
"I'll give you $20 to paint my porch out back while I'm gone. I already have the paint and everything."
She happily agrees and totes the paint out back. He chuckles to himself as he gets into one of his many cars and heads out. That dumb broad will be at it all day, and it only cost him $20.
He comes home later, and she's just finishing up. She sees him and jogs up.
He grins. "finished?" He asks.
"Yeah and I even gave it 2 coats!"
"Are you sure? I didn't think there was enough paint there for two coats of the entire porch."
"Sure there was! There was even a little left over! Though I should tell you, it's not pronounced 'porch', it's pronounced 'Porsche'."
Flowers.
A blonde and a brunette are having a conversation at work one day, when a delivery of flowers are dropped off for the brunette.
The brunette sees the flowers and appears unhappy.
"What's wrong?," asks the blonde, "I wish my husband cared enough to send me flowers for no reason!"
The brunette explains, "It means I have to go home and lay on the bed with my legs in the air for him tonight.
The blonde, surprised, asks "Why? Don't you have a vase?"
Football with a blonde girlfriend
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
5 blonds walk into a bar...
The group is cheering, smiling, and chanting "3 to 5 years! 3 to 5 years!" After the blondes settle down and order their drinks, the bartender finally asked "What are you all celebrating? What does 3 to 5 years mean?" One blonde got an excited look in their eyes and proudly exclaimed "Well, we bought a puzzle, and on the side it said 3 to 5 years, but it only took us 2 months!"
Near Death Experience
I was driving one afternoon with my wife, when as we pulled up to a stop light, a motorcycle rider with long blonde hair pulls past us.
My wife commented "That's a woman riding that bike, cool!"
I replied "So does that make her a BILF?"
"BILF?" she asked.
"You know, a Biker I'd Like to F.."
"Drac73521! You haven't even seen her face, what if she's ugly, would you still want to f her then?" she exclaimed..
"Probably.. I mean I married you after all.."
Doctors tell me I can go home this weekend..
Three pregnant women, a blonde, brunette, and red head are at their obstetrician to find out the s**... of their babies.
The brunette says, "I'm going to have a boy because I was on top."
The red head says, "Well that means I'm going to have a girl because I was on bottom."
Just then the blonde starts crying her eyes out. "What's wrong?" the other two say.
"I'm going to have puppies!"
New Windows
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically s**.... So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so
I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Blonde Special
The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "I have some really great news!"
I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!" Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
Furniture
A blonde walks into a department store and tells the salesman, "Hi, I'm looking to buy a s**... sofa."
The salesman, at first confused, suggests, "Oh, ma'am you must mean a *sectional* sofa, right?"
The blonde replies, "No I'm pretty sure it's a s**... sofa, my husband said he'd like an occasional piece in the living room."
"Hey, you know where there's a theater around here?"
The man responds "Yeah, just around the corner and a block down. You plan on seeing a performance?"
The blonde answers "Yep, a friend told me about a comedic play called 'Puns', apparently is based around words, whatever that means."
"Wait, what exactly did your friend tell you?"
"That he really likes 'Puns': a funny play on words"
A blonde goes to court
A blonde goes to court.
Eventually the judge says: I hereby declare the case closed. There is not enough evidence that you stole the 10000 US$.
The blonde is thrilled: Gosh, so does that mean I can keep the money?
A brunette goes to the doctor
A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts."
He asks "What do you mean?"
So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!" Then her shoulder, "Ouch!"
The doctor looks at her and asks, "You're really blonde, aren't you?"
She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?"
Doctor says, "Well your finger is broken."
A blonde is working on a puzzle...
She calls her husband over and says, "This is the hardest jigsaw puzzle I've ever seen in my whole life!"
The husband responds, "What do you mean, honey?"
She says, "Well there's a picture of a tiger on the box, but looking at all these pieces, I don't see how in the world this is going to ever make picture of a tiger."
The husband says, "That's alright honey, let's just put all the cereal back in the box."
Body Pain
A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, Doctor I'm hurting all over my body.
That's odd , replied the doctor, Show me what you mean
So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.
The doctor says, You're not a natural brunette are you?
No I'm a blonde , she replies.
I thought so…. your finger is broken. , replies the doctor.
A guy takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
A Blonde Goes On A Diet
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor. "No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
It's 1/4 funny 😄
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to a super bowl game. They had great seats right behind their teams bench.
After the game he asked her how she liked it.
Oh, I really liked it, she replied. I just don't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked,
What do you mean?
Well they flipped a quarter, one team got it, then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...'get the quarterback!, get the quarterback!' I'm like Hellooooo, it's only 25 cents!
A beautiful blonde strode angrily into the large store,
A beautiful blonde strode angrily into the large store and slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.
The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"
The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that p**... Treats' are meant for 'cats'?"
A guy wanks into a bar.
He sees two stunningly beautiful blondes and says,
"Hey, barman, two beers for the ladies."
One of the ladies turns to the guy and asks.
"I think you're wasting your time, sir. We're l**...."
"What's that?" asks the guy.
"It means we only like to have s**... with women" the girl responds.
To which the guy retorts: "Hey barman, three beers for us l**...."
A brunette gets a bouquet of flowers for valentines day.
The other office women are admiring the flowers as they are delivered to her.
She then smirks and says to the crowd of women gathered around "I guess this means I will be spending the night with my legs in the air."
The blonde then says "Don't you have a vase?"
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
Three blonde women are talking about their pregnancies
The first one says: "Whenever we have s**..., my husband is always on top. So that means I'm having a baby boy."
The second one says: "That means I'm having a baby girl because I'm always the one on top."
Suddenly the third blonde starts crying hysterically and exclaims: "I'm having puppies!"
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath". The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my b**...."
3 pregnant ladies in a coffee shop
So a blonde, a brunette and a redhead are sitting in a coffee shop talking about their pregnancies.
The brunette says to the other 2 that I heard if you have s**... on top, your more likely to have a boy
The redhead say oh that must mean I'm likely to have a girl
There was a pause and then the blonde say Uh Oh imma be having puppies!
A blonde driver and a blonde cop....
A blonde woman is speeding down the highway and gets pulled over by a blonde cop, the cop goes up to the blonde's window and says "I need to see your license ma'am." The driver says she doesn't know what that is and the lady officer says "It's that little thing in your purse with your face in it." The driver pulls out her compact mirror and holds it up to the cop, "You mean this?" The blonde cop looks at the mirror and says, "I'm so sorry ma'am, I didn't know you were a cop, have a nice day."
Trophy Girlfriend
Bill, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde on his arm. She's hanging on his every word. His buddies at the club are aghast.
They corner him and ask, "Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bill replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're stunned, but continue to inquire about Bill's companion. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" Bill says, "I lied about my age." His friends respond, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bill smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
Pulled Over
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew the breathalyzer and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"
A blonde and a brunette inherit their parent's ranch but they soon run into money trouble
The brunette says "I'll go to town to buy a bull to produce offspring then send you a telegram when I'm done."
So she gets the bull, goes to the telegram office but she only has enough money left for 1 word. She tells the man at the office to send the word "Comfortable" and he says she'll never know what that means.
So the brunette says "My sister's a blonde so she'll read the word very slowly: Com-for-tha-bull."
Last year a guy took his blonde girl friend to the Superbowl
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't
understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you
mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was...
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"
In a public library, a man with his new library card questioned the blonde librarian.
Do you mean to say, he asked, that with this card I may take out any book I want?
Yes, she answered.
And may I take out vinyl records too?
Yes, you may.
May I take you out? he ventured.
*"Sir, the librarians are for reference only. *
A blond and a burunette are at the perfume counter
The brunette picks up a bottle and sprays the air. The blond says "ooooh, thats lovely - whats that?"
Brunette: Viens Ici
Blond:
Brunette: Vien Ici - it's French. It means "Come to me"
Blond (sniffs the air): "ohhh - it smells nice but it does not smeall like come to me
