Mean Baby Jokes
47 mean baby jokes and hilarious mean baby puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mean baby that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Mean Baby Short Jokes
Short mean baby jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mean baby humour may include short matter baby jokes also.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger joined an Easter egg hunt but didn't find any eggs. His secretary asks "Does this mean you hate Easter now?" He shakes his head and responds:
"I still love Easter baby." - I'm not sure how I feel about Pro Choice. I mean, I am all for dead babies, but I don't like giving women choices...
- The experts recommend putting a baby monitor in the nursery with your baby. Turns out they don't mean the lizard.
- I'm not sure about abortion.... I mean I'm all for killing babies, but giving women a choice worries me.
- I don't know why people get so upset about failed pregnancies... I mean, the baby is still born. (sorry)
- I don't know why there is a baby brand called Safety 1st.. I mean, if they used safety first they wouldn't have to buy their products in the first place
- Guy: Hey baby, do you wanna 68? Girl: You mean 69?
Guy: No, 68.
Girl: What's 68?!
Guy: You go down on me and I'll owe you one. - I just got kicked out of an anti-vaxxer group for telling them "they are all doing god's work.... And by god's work I mean giving diseases to innocent babies"
- Arnold Schwarzenegger didn't get any eggs for easter. His secretary asked him: "Does this mean you hate easter now?"
He said: "Nah. I still love easter baby".
*(Reading out loud helps).* - What's the difference between a baby and a politician? Saying they are full of sh*t means 2 completely different things.
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Mean Baby One Liners
Which mean baby one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mean baby? I can suggest the ones about bad baby and big baby.
- A baby pig is called a piglet That means a baby toy is called...
- Single and ready to get nervous around anyone I find attractive.
Charming Humor Mean Baby Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about mean baby you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean baby anti jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mean baby pranks.
A woman starts dating a doctor. She eventually becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks. "It's worth a try," he says. The doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation, he goes to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What happened?" asks the priest. "You gave birth to a child!" "But that's impossible!" says the priest. "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About 15 years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."
Children brought up on a farm are often quite precocious.
A nun gave a lecture on the facts of life to the combined classes one day.
She thought the tiny tots would hardly know what her talk was all about so she left them in the classroom.
After a while she noticed little five year old Johnnie whispering with a little four year old Jane and she asked Johnnie what was the meaning of their whispering.
Johnnie stood up and asked, "Please sister, can a woman of four have a baby?"
"Of course not," answered the sister, quite flustered.
Johnnie turned to the little girl beside him and said, "Didn’t I tell you, you had nothing to worry about."
Kid to her mother: "If you hurt me I'll make you pregnant by a needle."
Mother: "How? My sweet it isn't possible."
Kid: "I'll insert the needle to daddy's c**...!"
A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a
car accident...
A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby!"
The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."
"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"
The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."
"Oh, that's not so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."
Twins
A pregnant woman was involved in a car accident and fell into a coma. When she awoke days later she realized she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, "Doc, what happened to my baby?!"
The doctor replied, "Calm down ma'am, you gave birth to healthy twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you."
"Oh, no!" shrieked the woman. "Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!"
The doctor replied, "Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise."
"Oh, that's no so bad," smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor grinned and said, "Denephew."
A little girl comes home from school...
...and approaches her mom. She asks, "Mommy, is it true where boys put their p**... is where babies come from?" The mother is visibly shocked and unprepared to have this discussion with her daughter already. She took a deep breath, and decided to just be honest. "Yes dear, that's true."
"So... does that mean when I have a baby all my teeth are going to fall out?!"
An 80 year old man and his 25 year old pregnant wife are in hospital.
The old man's young wife manages to give birth to a healthy baby. After the birth, the midwife goes up to the old man in private and says, "I know this is none of my business, but how can someone as old as you manage to have a baby with someone who is as young as your wife is?" The old man laughs and says "You've just got to keep the engine running, if you know what I mean!"
A year later, the same couple are back in the hospital to have another baby. The same midwife delivers the baby, and again, she asks the same question, even more intrigued. Again, the man gives the same answer: "You've just got to keep the engine running."
The very next year, the couple again are back in hospital to have yet another baby. This time, the midwife says to the old man, "This time, I want a proper answer: how could someone as old as you have a baby with someone so young?" The old man says, "I keep on telling you: you've just got to keep the engine running!" The midwife replies, "Well, looks like you've forgotten to oil your engine." "What do you mean?" asks the old man.
"Your baby is black."
Miracle....
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they could not decide what to do about it.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks.
"It's worth a try." he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.
After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this.".
"What?" asks the priest, "what happened?".
"You gave birth to a child!".
"But that's impossible!" says the priest.
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor, "it's a miracle! Here's your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."
An farmer walks in to a lawyer's office in Alabama...
And he says to the lawyer, "Sir, I'd like to get a divorce."
To which the lawyer says, "Well, do you have a suit?"
"Yes, I sure do", the man replies. "Wear it to church every Sunday."
"That's not what I mean. Do you have a case?"
"No, you see I've always been a John Deere man myself. Never had a Case in my life."
"Sir, do you have any issues with your wife. Did she cheat on you, is she a n**...?"
To which the farmer replies, "No, but the baby is. And that's why I want a divorce."
Three pregnant women, a blonde, brunette, and red head are at their obstetrician to find out the s**... of their babies.
The brunette says, "I'm going to have a boy because I was on top."
The red head says, "Well that means I'm going to have a girl because I was on bottom."
Just then the blonde starts crying her eyes out. "What's wrong?" the other two say.
"I'm going to have puppies!"
I just don't know what my stance on abortion is man...
I mean, I'm all for mudering tiny babies but giving women a choice..
Blonde Special
The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "I have some really great news!"
I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!" Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
A woman was 9 months pregnant...
...and she didn't wanna go to the hospital no matter what. One day she is walking up the stairs inside her home when her water breaks, she then lays down Right there and gives birth with the assistance of her husband. Once the baby is born the mother is holding her baby and says to her husband "I don't think this is yours..." He looks at her confused and asks "what do you mean?", she looks him in the eyes and says "because it's a step-child"
Joke from Spain (forgive my English)
There was once a married couple that wanted a divorce, and they were arguing about who would keep the child.
"I birthed the child, therefore it's mine!" Says the wife.
"That's not true, you're not the mother!" Replies the husband.
"Oh, and I suppose you claim to be the real father then?" Says the wife.
"No, I actually don't know who the real parents are," replies the husband.
The wife is surprised at this and so asks what he means by that.
"Well," he replies, "when the child was born, while we were still in the hospital, you told me that the baby had pooped himself and you told me to change him while you rest."
"And?" She asks.
"And I did!"
With all these abortion jokes lately, I've realized I'm pretty torn on the whole issue...
I mean, killing babies is great and all, but I'm just really not that comfortable with letting women choose for themselves.
Lots of famous people here tonight.
I mean, legends, iconic. This table alone. Al Pacino, Robert De Niro. Baby Yoda—oh, that’s Joe Pesci, sorry.
I hate when people talk about their kids age in weeks and months.
"Jessica said her first word at 36 weeks!"
You mean 9 months.
"Ken is 24 months!"
Deborah, he's 2.
"My baby is -26 weeks old!"
No, Karen, you miscarried.
Breast feeding
I hate when people tell me to stop breast feeding in public.
I mean, whenever a baby does it it's natural but when I do it it's s**... assault
I accidentally j**... off to a picture of my mom this morning...
I mean its really not my fault though, most babies look alike.
My wife walked in on me m**......
I tried to hide what I was doing and quickly changed the TV channel but it switched to a programme about disfigured babies. She saw what I was doing and saw what was on TV, so now she thinks I get turned on by disfigured babies. I mean, how unlucky is that? The same programme being on at the same time on two different channels!
A friend just got a brand new grand piano
I complimented him on it by saying it plays like a baby. He asked what did I mean by that? I said it's smooth, beautiful, and it makes an unbelievable racket if you kick it down a flight of stairs.
One of them Deevorces
A backwoods country bumpkin goes to his lawyer and says, "Sir, I wanna git mahself one uh them thar deevorces."
The lawyer says, "Ok, well, you need grounds for a divorce."
The farmer says, "I has grounds sir, a hunderd an fitty acres of it."
The lawyer says, "No, I mean, you need a case!"
The farmer says, "I has one-uh them too! Keep mah doc-u-mints in it!".
The lawyer says, "No.... No.... You need a to file a suit."
The farmer says, "Sir, I has the suit, wear it tah church err'y Sumday."
The lawyer sighs. "Ok, let me put it to you this way... Is your wife a nagger?"
The farmer says, "No sir, wife's a white woman, 'bout 5 feet tall... Had herself a nagger baby though..."
You know how cooing parents call their babies' boots 'booties'?
Does that mean that Dora the Explorer (because she's literally a toddler) 's monkey is called b**...?
Dad comes home from a long day at work
He goes to his child who is singing and dancing around the house
Dad: hey baby, why you so happy?
Child: nothing I was thinking about today
Dad: what happened today?
Child: i think mom was about to go to heaven
Dad: wait.... she was what? What you u mean?
Child: well I was sitting in my room and I could hear mum screaming oh my god, I'm coming, I'm coming so I ran to her room to help her but luckily the postman was already on top of her holding her down.
So, ya know how Jesus walked on water?
I figured that babies were 80 percent water and so that means...
I'm using my one prison call to tell you this.
If boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider...
and girls go to college to get more knowledge... does that mean that ladies go to hades when they have babies?... this would explain a lot about pregnancy
A husband and wife are trying to have a baby
After many attempts and what seems like an endless number of trips to the doctor and fertility clinic they meet with the doctor who tells them, "I do not think you will be able to have children."
The wife is overcome with emotion and her husband consoles her saying, "Inconceivable."
The doctor replies,"I don't think that word means what you think it means."
Arnold Schwarzenegger goes back to Austria for Easter Break.
When he returns to California his friend says to him, "Arnie, I heard you went back home to Austria for Easter. How was it?"
Arnie replied : "Oh it was terrible! My Father ruined the Easter Egg hunt, he put all of the eggs in awful places and nobody could find any eggs and quite generally, we all had an awful day."
His colleague then says, "Oh Arnie that's no good at all, I'm sorry to hear! Does that mean you don't love easter anymore?"
Arnie: "Oh no,of course not! I still love Easter, baby."
God, Mary and the sanctity of marriage
Father explains why marriage is sacred. He gives his son all of the relevant information for procreation, marriage, God, Mary etc. Thinking that he has given his son the best information, his son responds:
So, if marriage is sacred/religious, why is God single? (There's no Mrs God!) BUT he got Mary pregnant and left her. So, doesn't that mean God is a baby-daddy, and some of these men are just walking in the footsteps of the Lord?
Father: (awkward silence)
Johnny walks in the room and looks at his wife and says
"baby. if you were in India they would worship you"
His wife responds while blushing "does that mean I'm a goddess"
He smiles and says "no you're a cow"
Three blonde women are talking about their pregnancies
The first one says: "Whenever we have s**..., my husband is always on top. So that means I'm having a baby boy."
The second one says: "That means I'm having a baby girl because I'm always the one on top."
Suddenly the third blonde starts crying hysterically and exclaims: "I'm having puppies!"
What does it mean when a r**...'s baby drools out of both sides of its mouth?
The trailer is level.
A guy came home to his best friend and wife in bed
He pulled out a .45, shot both of 'em
Next morning, his friend went down to the jail
He said, "Fred, don't take it so hard"
He said, "It could have been worse"
He said, "What you mean, it could have been worse?"
He said, "Man, two people dead. I might get the electric chair. You tell me it could have been worse?"
He said, "Yeah, baby. It could have been worse."
He said, "What you mean?"
He said, "h**..., if you'd have came Thursday instead of Friday, you'd have gotten me too"
