Meal Jokes

177 meal jokes and hilarious meal puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about meal that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Check out this collection of hilarious jokes about meals, including happy meals, Chinese meals, ready meals, cheat meals, last meals, meal preps, meal deals, and meal team six! Laugh out loud with these funny eat, feast, and dish jokes!

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Funniest Meal Short Jokes

Short meal jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The meal humour may include short diet jokes also.

  1. Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
    Me: yeah he is really milking it
  2. 6 was afraid of 7 because 7, 8, 9, but why did 7 eat 9? Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
  3. A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
  4. UPDATE: United Airlines now offering a new addition to their inflight meals chinese takeout
  5. We all know that six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine, but why did seven eat nine? Because you're supposed to eat three squared meals per day.
  6. A guard asks a woman on death row what she'd like for her final meal. idk, what do you want?
  7. Two kids talking. One asks 'do you also pray before each meal'?
    The other responds : no, my mom knows how to cook.
  8. McDonald's will give you a free combo meal... McDonald's will give you a free combo meal and £127.38 if you go to the Drive Thru dressed as a clown.
    With a gun.
  9. 6 was afraid of 7 because 7 ate 9, but why did 7 eat 9? Because it's important to eat three squared meals a day
  10. I just got fired from my job as a bingo caller... Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view" is *not* an appropriate way of calling out number 69...

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Meal One Liners

Which meal one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with meal? I can suggest the ones about bread and restaurant.

  1. 6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9? Because he needed 3² meals a day.
  2. Why did 7 eat 9? Cause he needs 3 squared meals a day
    I'm sorry
  3. Yo momma is so vegan and fat... ..that she ate a meal and got arrested for deforestation.
  4. I ate a kids meal in McDonald's this morning. His mother was furious.
  5. Why did 7 eat 9 ? it's recommended to eat 3 squared meals a day
  6. I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today... His mom got really angry with me...
  7. Hey Joe, Do you pray before every meal? No Mark, my wife is a good cook.
  8. I call my wife "Happy Meal"... She's not enough to satisfy me but she comes with a toy...
  9. What is the only meal served in nuclear power stations? Fission chips.
  10. Why does everyone add salt to their meals? It's sodium goooood
  11. I am opening a restaurant called "Peace and quiet" A kid meal is £250
  12. What does a cannibal call a person in a good mood? a happy meal
  13. What did the narcissist say to the cannibal? I'm kind of a big meal
  14. What is my girlfriend's favorite meal? A dish called: "I don't know, you choose."
  15. If my wife was on Death Row her last meal would be I don't know. What do you feel like?

Last Meal Jokes

Here is a list of funny last meal jokes and even better last meal puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A woman on death row is asked what she would like for her last meal. I dunno, what do you want?
  • A male prison guard asks a woman on death row what she would like for her last meal. She replies, "I don't know, what do you want to eat?"
  • On Death Row Guard: what do you want for your last meal?
    Woman prisoner: I don't know, what do you want?
  • What did the convicted cannibal choose for his last meal? Five guys
  • I went to a expensive restaurant last night and I got a meal and a bottle of champagne for free. They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs off.
  • A woman was on death row. The conversation went like this:
    Warden: "What do you want for your last meal?"
    Woman: "I don't know. What do you want?"
  • Had an excellent meal last night at this cosy little Christian restaurant near us called "The Lord Giveth" They also do takeaways.
  • Why was the little boy too scared to reach into his Happy Meal for the Ninja Turtles toy? Last time he did it, he got a Splinter.
  • What did it cost the state to give the convicted cannibal his last meal? An arm and a leg
  • Went for a Chinese meal last night. Great ambiance, but the lights were too bright in the restaurant.
    So, the manager decided to dim sum.

Evening Meal Jokes

Here is a list of funny evening meal jokes and even better evening meal puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • With Ryanair, the price of your Flight Ticket does not include baggage or meals. Now it doesn't even include your flight!
  • Accendtly said "you too" to a waiter when he said enjoy your meal He then set down and we enjoyed a pleasent evening together.
  • I had a delicious meal of dog meat I even wolfed it down!
  • Kids have the lowest standards Everything is about b**... their friends moms even though their mamas are so fat that when she skips a meal, the stock market crashes
Meal joke, Kids have the lowest standards

Happy Meal Jokes

Here is a list of funny happy meal jokes and even better happy meal puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What does Happy Meal and a lonely girl have in common? They both come with a toy in the box.
  • I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today He wasn't happy.
  • Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.
  • What does a cannibal call a clown? A Happy Meal
  • Maccas will give you a free happy meal and $134.50 if you go through the drive through dressed as a clown... With a gun
  • I've just bought my daughter her main toy for Christmas...... I ate the happy meal though.
  • A happy meal Q: What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown?
    A: "Does this taste funny to you?"
  • [OC, be gentle] Ronald McDonald snuck up on a Happy Meal and said, "Serve fries!!!" The Happy Meal replied, "Nugget out of my face."
  • It's been 6 years since Whitney Houston passed away In memorial, McDonald is releasing the Whitney Houston Happy Meal.
    It's just coke and ice.
    Grats on 6 years sober, Whitney Houston!
  • Yo momma's like a "Happy Meal" small, cheap and greasy.

Chinese Meal Jokes

Here is a list of funny chinese meal jokes and even better chinese meal puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Luke and Obi-Wan walk into a Chinese restaurant Ten minutes into the meal, Luke's still having trouble with the chopsticks, dropping food everywhere. Obi-Wan finally snaps, *Use the fork, Luke.*
  • What's United's favorite meal? Chinese takeout
  • What is Lighting McQueen's favourite Chinese meal? KaChow Mein
  • I got some Chinese takeout. After the meal, the cookie was empty. That was unfortunate.
  • I went to a Chinese restaurant and the waiter asked me if I enjoyed my meal. I told him the chicken was rubbery and he said "thank you".
  • Off to the Chinese takeaway tonight and I'm going to try the sweet and sour badger with special fried badger cubs. It's a sett meal for one.
  • I had a 5 course Chinese meal the other day

Ready Meal Jokes

Here is a list of funny ready meal jokes and even better ready meal puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A canibal was getting ready to eat his first meal But he didn't have the guts
  • What's John Lennons favourite Indian ready meal? Instant Korma.
  • So I just tried my first feminist ready meal... MICRO-AGGRESSION
  • What do you call a Mexican ready-meal? Dinner for Juan
Meal joke, What do you call a Mexican ready-meal?

Uplifting Meal Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about meal you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean burger jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make meal pranks.

I got fired from my Bingo Caller Job...

Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way you say 69.

I went to an Indian restaurant and ordered a Pelican curry... wasn't a bad meal, but the bill was enormous.

A Canibal realized his meal was undercooked.

So he threw up his hands in frustration

What's a lesbian's favorite meal to cook?

Nothing. l**... don't cook. They eat out.

Two cannibals...

Two cannibals were sharing a meal one day. One started eating at the head, while the other started at the foot. After a little while one asked "How are you going?"
The other responded, "Man, I'm having a ball!"
To which the first cannibal said "Wow your eating super quick!"

I went to my girlfriend's house last night for a romantic night in...

It was amazing, we had a three course meal with champagne over candle light, we then snuggled up on the sofa, to watch a movie, then, when we went up stairs, I let her get changed, while I spread rose petals over the bed, then, we had the most amazing, mind blowing s**... that I've ever had, but just as I was about to finish, her parents walked in...
I am now banned from babysitting.

Why do French people eat no more than 1 egg per meal?

Because one is un œuf.

What's a 7 course meal for an Irishman?

A six-pack and a potato.

Don't b**... Your Mother

Mrs. Rabin comes to visit her son Bernie for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Elaine. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Bernie's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Bernie and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Bernie volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Elaine and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Elaine came to Bernie saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:
*Dear Mom
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son
Several days later, Bernie received a response email from his Mom which read:
*Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Elaine, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mother*

An atheist in the forest...

stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"

A women invites 3 military men to her house

During WW2 many families near military bases would invite service men over to their house for an evening to forget about the war, and to enjoy a home cooked meal. So a women calls the military base and says she would like to invite 3 men over but expresses that they CANNOT be Jews. Absolutely no Jews. The base commander says fine he will send 3 over on Sunday. She agreed and hanged up. On Sunday a jeep drives up and 3 black men got out of the vehicle. The women is in shock and asks the men is this a mistake? Surely this HAS to be a mistake! One of the men replies, "No ma'am, Captain Goldstein never makes a mistake."

My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me a meal.....

My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me one of her favourite dishes last night.
"What are these little round things", I asked.
"Have you never seen a chick-pea before?", she said.
"Of course I have, my last girlfriend was up for anything, but that doesn't answer my question".

I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just g**... the check to me".
Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

It was mealtime on an airplane...

...and the flight attendant asked a passenger if he would like some dinner.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

A fine-looking gentleman sat down in...

...the main dining room of an expensive restaurant. He ordered a big dinner and spent an hour enjoying himself.
After he was given the check, he summoned the headwaiter. "Ah, my friend," he said, "that was a delicious meal! Perhaps you don't remember that I was a guest at this same table just about a year ago. And at that time I couldn't pay the check, so you, sir had me thrown out in full view of all the other diners!"
"I am so sorry, sir" said the head waiter. "But, you understand-"
"Oh it's quite all right," interrupted the gentleman, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."

A man took a woman out for dinner...

but she didn't speak a word of English. They were having a great time, though, feeding each other, flirting, touching and giggling. After the meal is over, the woman draws a picture of a bed on a napkin and gives a sly wink. The man still can't figure out how she knew he was in the furniture business.
The comments in another thread were slamming Readers Digest jokes, and that's where this one came from.

4 Jewish women go out for dinner

When the waiter checks on them during their meal he asks "is anything okay?"

What did the Australian chess player say to the waiter when he finished his meal?

Check, mate.

So Decartes goes to a restaurant for dinner...

After enjoying his meal, the waiter asks Descartes if he would like any dessert. Politely, he responds, "I think not," then immediately disappears.

My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend.

It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.

Marriage is like having your favorite meal every day...

At first, it's great! But after a week, you're thinking, "Eh, I kinda feel like having Asian tonight."

I got fired from my bingo calling job today.

Apparently 'a meal for two with a terrible view' is not an appropriate way to call 69.

A panda walks into a restaurant

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders one of everything. The panda finishes up his meal and his bill comes the panda stands up and shoots the waiter. The manager comes out of the back and goes you've eaten all my food and shot my staff and wont even pay your bill what's wrong with you? The panda reply's "I'm a panda look me up in the dictionary" The manager goes and gets a dictionary he looks up panda and the definition is "Eats shoots and leaves"

Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...

... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal.
The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?"
So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show you." And he leads his friend to the mouth of the cave.
"See that big rock there?" He asks.
The other bat nods.
"I didn't."

Two cannibals are settling down to have a meal...

.... They agree that it is best if each of them start at one end of the corpse. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asks "how's it going down there?"
The other replies: "oh, I'm having a ball over here..."
The first yells: "Oi, slow down, you're eating too fast!"

I once had a bad meal at a German restaurant.

It was guten-free.

A panda bear walks into a resturant..

And orders some food, after his meal the server comes out and asks how everything was and the panda bear pulls a gun a shoots him. The manager comes out and says "hey man what's going on?" The panda bear replies "I'm a panda bear Google it.." and leaves. The manager curiously Googled panda bear and was reading "panda bear: black and white bear, eats chutes and leaves."

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"

The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"
Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!
Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.

A blonde walked up to a restaurant and upon seeing that the sign said "Open", she walked in.

She ordered a full course meal and was very happy. She stood up to leave but stood at the door for 10 minutes, checking her watch frequently. A waiter walked up to her. Waiter: "Hello ma'am. Are you waiting for somebody today?" Blonde: "No, not particularly." Waiter: "Then why are you standing by the door?" Blonde: "The door says closed. I'm waiting for it to open."

What's Stephen Hawking's favorite meal?

His shoulder.
One more...what's black and sits at the top of a staircase? Stephen Hawking after a house fire. I'm so sorry

The cannibal nervously decided to try his first human meal

Much to his dismay, he got cold feet

Last request

The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."

Why did the duck cross the road?

Waiter:"I don't know and I don't care, how exactly do you plan to pay for the meal you just bought Mr.Chicken?"
Chicken:"Just put it on my bill."
Waiter:"You don't have a bill..."
Chicken:"No bill? oh you shouldn't have, I'll see myself out!"

What is a gay horse's favorite meal?


Two cannibals are enjoying dinner.

One compliments the other, "I say, Bill, your wife really makes a great meal."

"Honey," said a husband, "I Invited a friend home for dinner."

"What? Are you crazy?" The wife replied.
"The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal."
" I know all that," he said.
"Then why did you invite a friend for dinner?" she asked.
he replied, "because the poor fools thinking about getting married."

What did the time traveler do when he was still hungry after his meal?

He went back for seconds.

What do you call a girl who'll go home with any guy after he buy her a hearty Italian meal?

A pasta-tute.

A man goes to jail.

A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal
"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked
"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"
Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing
The man begins "1,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall..."

Christian & The Bear

A Christian was hiking in the wilderness, he stumbles upon a bear. The bear starts chasing him! The Christian is now cornered, he gets on one knee and says "Lord, turn this bear into a Christian" the bear creeps up closer and closer, and then gets on one knee and says "Lord, thank you so much for this meal I'm about to receive"

I was eating soup one day outside my favorite restaurant and it started raining..

Took me hours to finish my meal.

A man walks into a steakhouse

A man walks into a steakhouse and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling.
"What's with the meat?" he asks the hostess.
She says, "It's a contest we are running. If you can jump up and grab a piece, your entire meal is free."
"And what if I miss?"
"Then you need to buy everyone in the restaurant a drink. Do you want to try?"
He looks up again.
"No, the steaks are too high."

A hungry lion roamed through the jungle looking for his next meal when he came upon two men.

One man was sitting under a tree reading a book. The other man was writing in a notebook. The lion quickly pounced in the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that reader's digest and writers cramp.

I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked...

"How would you like your steak, sir?" "The same way I like my s**...," I replied. He smiled and said, "So, rare?"

A Christian man was getting chased by a bear in the woods

The man realized the bear was catching up, so the man got down on his knees and yelled "DEAR GOD, PLEASE LET THIS BEAR BECOME A CHRISTIAN SO THAT HE DOESN'T EAT ME" then the bear got down on his knees and said, "Dear God, thank you for this meal."

My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal"

Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.

You order one pizza

You love it.
Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread.
Before you know it, your eating pizzas for every meal, and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one.
That's the domino effect.

A man marries a women who is a very good cook..

Every time she makes something he says,
"This doesnt taste like how my mom used to make it."
Final after a year of this at every meal she angrily asks, " How did your moms taste??!!"
"Awful" He replies.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse behind the bar serving drinks

The man takes a seat at the bar, mouth wide open, stunned. The horse is interacting with customers, mixing drinks, taking meal orders, and giving change.
Finally the horse sees the man, and says What's the matter, buddy? Never seen a talking horse before?
The man says, No, it's not that. I just never thought the cow would sell the place.

If you read the bible backwards its about a man sent to earth on a cross who is helped down by some Romans and told to go on his way. He then travels the world making people blind and giving them leprosy. He even ruins a meal for a huge crowd by turning all their food into 2 fish and 5 loaves.

He gets fewer followers as time goes by and in the end he's lying in a stable and 3 old men steal all his presents.

A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-Käse scenario.

The Mayor's meal

In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull's t**....
One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: Funny, why are they so small today?
The waiter: Today, sir, the bull won.

A Catholic priest is surprised by a bear in the forrest

The bear charges him and the priest quickly says a prayer,"Lord, please let this be a nice, Christian bear!"
The bear scoops him up in his arms and quietly speaks, "Lord bless this meal that I am about to receive, amen"

Everytime I go out to dinner, I pay for someone else's meal too. Some call it charity...

But that's not my wife's name.

My 35 year old friend and his 22 year old girlfriend had their meal out completely ruined by strangers judging them for their age gap.

It completely ruined their 10 year anniversary.

A man's last meal

So a prisoner is about to be executed and the guards ask him,
What do you want your last meal to be?
Strawberries he responds.
But it's winter. We can't get strawberries until spring
Eh. I'll wait

You know what a krakens favorite meal is?

Fish and ships

After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...

During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the s**... play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

Some students notice an elderly couple in the McDonald's with only one meal on the table...

"Excuse me," says one of the students, "I noticed that you only have one meal between you. If you'd like we could get another for you, it's no trouble."
"That's very kind of you," replies the elderly woman, "but you see, in our marriage my husband and I share everything. This is enough food for both of us."
A few minutes later, the students again notice that the only elderly man is eating while his wife sits in still silence.
"Perhaps we could get that meal for you after all?" another student asks sheepishly. To which the woman replies:
"Oh no, it's fine. I'm waiting for my turn with the dentures."

A Jewish man on his deathbed is talking to his daughter.

The man smells noodle kugel (a traditional Jewish food) coming from the kitchen downstairs and reminds his daughter that it's his favorite food. He asks her to go get him some for his last meal- he knows he will die very soon. The man's daughter goes downstairs, and comes back with no kugel. The man asks why she didn't bring any. The daughter says:
Mom said it's for after.

After finishing my meal, the waiter gave me the dessert menu.

"Can I ask you something?" I said.

"Certainly," he replied.

I said, "Why did you just e**... food?"

A waitress spots a dejected looking man staring at the menu...

Concerned, she approaches and asks if she can help.
Man: I'd like to order my late wife's usual meal but I can't remember it...
Waitress: I'm so sorry! Could you describe it to me? I'm sure we can figure out what her favorite was.
Man: No, it's fine. I'll just text her, she should be out of the shower by now.

A man and his wife are arguing:

The wife says: "Well, I'm just gonna go stay at my mother's!"
The husband says: "Wait take me with you. I'd like to have a good meal for a change."

A Russian, a Brit and an American are stuck on a mountain

While they wait for rescue to arrive, they get together for a meal. As everyone is taking out their kits and prepping, the Russian starts boasting "in the soviet army, they feed us 2000 calories of food a day". The Brit turns and scoffs at him, then he says " in the royal army, we are fed 4000 calories of food a day". The American waiting for his turns goes and says "in the us army we are fed 8000 calories a day". At that point, the Russian jumps up and yells at the American "NON SENSE. NO ONE CAN EAT THAT MUCH CABBAGE IN ONE DAY".

I ate a kids meal at McDonald's for lunch today

His mom was p**...

Meal joke, I ate a kids meal at McDonald's for lunch today

jokes about meal