Meal Jokes
169 meal jokes and hilarious meal puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about meal that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Check out this collection of hilarious jokes about meals, including happy meals, Chinese meals, ready meals, cheat meals, last meals, meal preps, meal deals, and meal team six! Laugh out loud with these funny eat, feast, and dish jokes!
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Funniest Meal Short Jokes
Short meal jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The meal humour may include short diet jokes also.
- Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
- A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
- UPDATE: United Airlines now offering a new addition to their inflight meals chinese takeout
- A guard asks a woman on death row what she'd like for her final meal. idk, what do you want?
- Two kids talking. One asks 'do you also pray before each meal'?
The other responds : no, my mom knows how to cook. - McDonald's will give you a free combo meal... McDonald's will give you a free combo meal and £127.38 if you go to the Drive Thru dressed as a clown.
With a gun. - I just got fired from my job as a bingo caller... Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view" is *not* an appropriate way of calling out number 69...
- I was eating soup one day outside my favorite restaurant and it started raining.. Took me hours to finish my meal.
- Two cannibals are enjoying dinner. One compliments the other, "I say, Bill, your wife really makes a great meal."
- A man and his wife are arguing: The wife says: "Well, I'm just gonna go stay at my mother's!"
The husband says: "Wait take me with you. I'd like to have a good meal for a change."
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Meal One Liners
Which meal one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with meal? I can suggest the ones about bread and restaurant.
- 6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9? Because he needed 3² meals a day.
- Why did 7 eat 9? Cause he needs 3 squared meals a day
I'm sorry - I ate a kids meal in McDonald's this morning. His mother was furious.
- Hey Joe, Do you pray before every meal? No Mark, my wife is a good cook.
- I call my wife "Happy Meal"... She's not enough to satisfy me but she comes with a toy...
- Why does everyone add salt to their meals? It's sodium goooood
- I am opening a restaurant called "Peace and quiet" A kid meal is £250
- What does a cannibal call a person in a good mood? a happy meal
- What did the narcissist say to the cannibal? I'm kind of a big meal
- What is my girlfriend's favorite meal? A dish called: "I don't know, you choose."
- If my wife was on Death Row her last meal would be I don't know. What do you feel like?
- I've never tipped a cow. But, then again, I've never had one serve me drinks or a meal.
- You know what a krakens favorite meal is? Fish and ships
- What did the convicted cannibal choose for his last meal? Five guys
- I was at McDonald's yesterday eating a kids meal Until his parents asked me to stop
Last Meal Jokes
Here is a list of funny last meal jokes and even better last meal puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I went to a expensive restaurant last night and I got a meal and a bottle of champagne for free. They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs off.
- Had an excellent meal last night at this cosy little Christian restaurant near us called "The Lord Giveth" They also do takeaways.
- Why was the little boy too scared to reach into his Happy Meal for the Ninja Turtles toy? Last time he did it, he got a Splinter.
- Went for a Chinese meal last night. Great ambiance, but the lights were too bright in the restaurant.
So, the manager decided to dim sum. - What did the Mexican hangman serve his victims as a last meal? Pico de Gallows
- What does a death row inmate get after their last meal? Their just desserts.
- What was the vampire's last meal? Stake
- If I were on Death Row, my last meal request would be a clean burger from McDonald's I'd be kept alive forever.
- A man is on his death sentence and gets to choose his last meal. So he asks the guard for a romaine lettuce salad, but the guard replies "You can only choose a meal, not how you want to die."
- What did ted bundy order for his last meal? Chick Fil a
*came up with that on my own. If you can improve on it feel free.
Evening Meal Jokes
Here is a list of funny evening meal jokes and even better evening meal puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- With Ryanair, the price of your Flight Ticket does not include baggage or meals. Now it doesn't even include your flight!
- Accendtly said "you too" to a waiter when he said enjoy your meal He then set down and we enjoyed a pleasent evening together.
Happy Meal Jokes
Here is a list of funny happy meal jokes and even better happy meal puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What does Happy Meal and a lonely girl have in common? They both come with a toy in the box.
- I've just bought my daughter her main toy for Christmas...... I ate the happy meal though.
- [OC, be gentle] Ronald McDonald snuck up on a Happy Meal and said, "Serve fries!!!" The Happy Meal replied, "Nugget out of my face."
- It's been 6 years since Whitney Houston passed away In memorial, McDonald is releasing the Whitney Houston Happy Meal.
It's just coke and ice.
Grats on 6 years sober, Whitney Houston! - Money can't buy you happiness Well check this out, i just brought a happy meal
- I bought a Macbook yesterday It was the most expensive item on the Happy Meal menu
- So apparently everyone's upset about this new Minions toy at McDonald's... ... they say it came inside a Happy Meal.
- Have you heard of the new Obama happy meal at Mcdonalds?
It comes with a promise that you'll get a toy someday. - What do you call a McDonalds Happy Meals with two free toys instead of one? McNotHappening
Chinese Meal Jokes
Here is a list of funny chinese meal jokes and even better chinese meal puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's United's favorite meal? Chinese takeout
- What is Lighting McQueen's favourite Chinese meal? KaChow Mein
- I went to a Chinese restaurant and the waiter asked me if I enjoyed my meal. I told him the chicken was rubbery and he said "thank you".
- Off to the Chinese takeaway tonight and I'm going to try the sweet and sour badger with special fried badger cubs. It's a sett meal for one.
- I had a 5 course Chinese meal the other day
Ready Meal Jokes
Here is a list of funny ready meal jokes and even better ready meal puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A canibal was getting ready to eat his first meal But he didn't have the guts
- What's John Lennons favourite Indian ready meal? Instant Korma.
- So I just tried my first feminist ready meal... MICRO-AGGRESSION
- What do you call a Mexican ready-meal? Dinner for Juan
Uplifting Meal Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about meal you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean burger jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make meal pranks.
I went to an Indian restaurant and ordered a Pelican curry...
...it wasn't a bad meal, but the bill was enormous.
A Canibal realized his meal was undercooked.
So he threw up his hands in frustration
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's a lesbian's favorite meal to cook?
Nothing. l**... don't cook. They eat out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two cannibals...
Two cannibals were sharing a meal one day. One started eating at the head, while the other started at the foot. After a little while one asked "How are you going?"
The other responded, "Man, I'm having a ball!"
To which the first cannibal said "Wow your eating super quick!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to my girlfriend's house last night for a romantic night in...
It was amazing, we had a three course meal with champagne over candle light, we then snuggled up on the sofa, to watch a movie, then, when we went up stairs, I let her get changed, while I spread rose petals over the bed, then, we had the most amazing, mind blowing s**... that I've ever had, but just as I was about to finish, her parents walked in...
I am now banned from babysitting.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Don't b**... Your Mother
Mrs. Rabin comes to visit her son Bernie for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Elaine. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Bernie's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Bernie and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Bernie volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Elaine and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Elaine came to Bernie saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:
*Dear Mom
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son
Bernie*
Several days later, Bernie received a response email from his Mom which read:
*Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Elaine, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mother*
An atheist in the forest...
stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"
A women invites 3 military men to her house
During WW2 many families near military bases would invite service men over to their house for an evening to forget about the war, and to enjoy a home cooked meal. So a women calls the military base and says she would like to invite 3 men over but expresses that they CANNOT be Jews. Absolutely no Jews. The base commander says fine he will send 3 over on Sunday. She agreed and hanged up. On Sunday a jeep drives up and 3 black men got out of the vehicle. The women is in shock and asks the men is this a mistake? Surely this HAS to be a mistake! One of the men replies, "No ma'am, Captain Goldstein never makes a mistake."
My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me a meal.....
My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me one of her favourite dishes last night.
"What are these little round things", I asked.
"Have you never seen a chick-pea before?", she said.
"Of course I have, my last girlfriend was up for anything, but that doesn't answer my question".
Freddie mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash.
"Can you go and get me another one please?" asked Freddie.
"Why?" asked the waiter.
"I want to break three."
(Don't think it's been posted before,recieved it in an email and thought it was worth sharing.)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...
A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just g**... the check to me".
Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
A fine-looking gentleman sat down in...
...the main dining room of an expensive restaurant. He ordered a big dinner and spent an hour enjoying himself.
After he was given the check, he summoned the headwaiter. "Ah, my friend," he said, "that was a delicious meal! Perhaps you don't remember that I was a guest at this same table just about a year ago. And at that time I couldn't pay the check, so you, sir had me thrown out in full view of all the other diners!"
"I am so sorry, sir" said the head waiter. "But, you understand-"
"Oh it's quite all right," interrupted the gentleman, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."
A man took a woman out for dinner...
but she didn't speak a word of English. They were having a great time, though, feeding each other, flirting, touching and giggling. After the meal is over, the woman draws a picture of a bed on a napkin and gives a sly wink. The man still can't figure out how she knew he was in the furniture business.
The comments in another thread were slamming Readers Digest jokes, and that's where this one came from.
What did the Australian chess player say to the waiter when he finished his meal?
Check, mate.
So Decartes goes to a restaurant for dinner...
After enjoying his meal, the waiter asks Descartes if he would like any dessert. Politely, he responds, "I think not," then immediately disappears.
My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend.
It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.
Marriage is like having your favorite meal every day...
At first, it's great! But after a week, you're thinking, "Eh, I kinda feel like having Asian tonight."
A panda walks into a restaurant
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders one of everything. The panda finishes up his meal and his bill comes the panda stands up and shoots the waiter. The manager comes out of the back and goes you've eaten all my food and shot my staff and wont even pay your bill what's wrong with you? The panda reply's "I'm a panda look me up in the dictionary" The manager goes and gets a dictionary he looks up panda and the definition is "Eats shoots and leaves"
Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...
... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal.
The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?"
So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show you." And he leads his friend to the mouth of the cave.
"See that big rock there?" He asks.
The other bat nods.
"I didn't."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two cannibals are settling down to have a meal...
.... They agree that it is best if each of them start at one end of the corpse. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asks "how's it going down there?"
The other replies: "oh, I'm having a ball over here..."
The first yells: "Oi, slow down, you're eating too fast!"
Two Cannibals are sharing a meal.
One cannibal says to the other "You start at the feet and I'll start at the head."
The other cannibal agrees, a few minutes later the first cannibal asks "How are you getting on?"
The second cannibal says "I'm having a ball."
The first replies "Slow down you're eating too fast."
I once had a bad meal at a German restaurant.
It was guten-free.
A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"
The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"
Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!
Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.
A blonde walked up to a restaurant and upon seeing that the sign said "Open", she walked in.
She ordered a full course meal and was very happy. She stood up to leave but stood at the door for 10 minutes, checking her watch frequently. A waiter walked up to her. Waiter: "Hello ma'am. Are you waiting for somebody today?" Blonde: "No, not particularly." Waiter: "Then why are you standing by the door?" Blonde: "The door says closed. I'm waiting for it to open."
What's Stephen Hawking's favorite meal?
His shoulder.
One more...what's black and sits at the top of a staircase? Stephen Hawking after a house fire. I'm so sorry
A Rich man sent a medicine shipment to Somalia
Once it reached the Airport inspection, Customs rejected it and sent it back;
the instructions on the medicines said : after meal
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
These Mexican cannibals accidentally...
These Mexican cannibals accidentally kill a priest for their meal. One of the guys asks the cook "ay, what's for dinner?"
The cook says "tacos al pastor"
The cannibal nervously decided to try his first human meal
Much to his dismay, he got cold feet
Last request
The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."
Why did the duck cross the road?
Waiter:"I don't know and I don't care, how exactly do you plan to pay for the meal you just bought Mr.Chicken?"
Chicken:"Just put it on my bill."
Waiter:"You don't have a bill..."
Chicken:"No bill? oh you shouldn't have, I'll see myself out!"
Looking forward to my traditional 7-course Irish Thanksgiving meal
A six pack and a potato
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Honey," said a husband, "I Invited a friend home for dinner."
"What? Are you crazy?" The wife replied.
"The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal."
" I know all that," he said.
"Then why did you invite a friend for dinner?" she asked.
he replied, "because the poor fools thinking about getting married."
My dentist says to clean between your teeth after every meal.
That's his flossophy.
What do you call a girl who'll go home with any guy after he buy her a hearty Italian meal?
A pasta-tute.
A man goes to jail.
A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal
"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked
"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"
Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing
The man begins "1,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A hungry lion roamed through the jungle looking for his next meal when he came upon two men.
One man was sitting under a tree reading a book. The other man was writing in a notebook. The lion quickly pounced in the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that reader's digest and writers cramp.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked...
"How would you like your steak, sir?" "The same way I like my s**...," I replied. He smiled and said, "So, rare?"
A Christian man was getting chased by a bear in the woods
The man realized the bear was catching up, so the man got down on his knees and yelled "DEAR GOD, PLEASE LET THIS BEAR BECOME A CHRISTIAN SO THAT HE DOESN'T EAT ME" then the bear got down on his knees and said, "Dear God, thank you for this meal."
My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal"
Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to a swingers club on the weekend
I got through the front door and the lady on the desk said it's £10 to get in, or you can pay £15 and you get a meal . So I paid the £15 and went in. It seemed to be going alright - then this n**... oily guy walked up to me and said hello, I'm Amil .
What's the difference between a good meal and a good time?
Well, it depends on where you put the cucumber.
You order one pizza
You love it.
Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread.
Before you know it, your eating pizzas for every meal, and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one.
That's the domino effect.
A man marries a women who is a very good cook..
Every time she makes something he says,
"This doesnt taste like how my mom used to make it."
Final after a year of this at every meal she angrily asks, " How did your moms taste??!!"
"Awful" He replies.
A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse behind the bar serving drinks
The man takes a seat at the bar, mouth wide open, stunned. The horse is interacting with customers, mixing drinks, taking meal orders, and giving change.
Finally the horse sees the man, and says What's the matter, buddy? Never seen a talking horse before?
The man says, No, it's not that. I just never thought the cow would sell the place.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you read the bible backwards its about a man sent to earth on a cross who is helped down by some Romans and told to go on his way. He then travels the world making people blind and giving them leprosy. He even ruins a meal for a huge crowd by turning all their food into 2 fish and 5 loaves.
He gets fewer followers as time goes by and in the end he's lying in a stable and 3 old men steal all his presents.
A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.
It was a Wurst-Käse scenario.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Mayor's meal
In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull's t**....
One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: Funny, why are they so small today?
The waiter: Today, sir, the bull won.
Everytime I go out to dinner, I pay for someone else's meal too. Some call it charity...
But that's not my wife's name.
My 35 year old friend and his 22 year old girlfriend had their meal out completely ruined by strangers judging them for their age gap.
It completely ruined their 10 year anniversary.
Saying Grace
My wife's cooking is so bad we pray after the meal
A man's last meal
So a prisoner is about to be executed and the guards ask him,
What do you want your last meal to be?
Strawberries he responds.
But it's winter. We can't get strawberries until spring
Eh. I'll wait
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...
During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the s**... play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.
Some students notice an elderly couple in the McDonald's with only one meal on the table...
"Excuse me," says one of the students, "I noticed that you only have one meal between you. If you'd like we could get another for you, it's no trouble."
"That's very kind of you," replies the elderly woman, "but you see, in our marriage my husband and I share everything. This is enough food for both of us."
A few minutes later, the students again notice that the only elderly man is eating while his wife sits in still silence.
"Perhaps we could get that meal for you after all?" another student asks sheepishly. To which the woman replies:
"Oh no, it's fine. I'm waiting for my turn with the dentures."
A Jewish man on his deathbed is talking to his daughter.
The man smells noodle kugel (a traditional Jewish food) coming from the kitchen downstairs and reminds his daughter that it's his favorite food. He asks her to go get him some for his last meal- he knows he will die very soon. The man's daughter goes downstairs, and comes back with no kugel. The man asks why she didn't bring any. The daughter says:
Mom said it's for after.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After finishing my meal, the waiter gave me the dessert menu.
"Can I ask you something?" I said.
"Certainly," he replied.
I said, "Why did you just e**... food?"
This is a portuguese joke so idk how well it will be in English but...
A man orders rice and beans in a restaurant. When his meal comes he notices a little fiber in his food and tells the waiter. The waiter then explains theres nothing to worry about, its just from the sack of beans. However the man still insists on getting another plate. The waiter, complying, yells out to the chef "yo beans, make another plate".
A waitress spots a dejected looking man staring at the menu...
Concerned, she approaches and asks if she can help.
Man: I'd like to order my late wife's usual meal but I can't remember it...
Waitress: I'm so sorry! Could you describe it to me? I'm sure we can figure out what her favorite was.
Man: No, it's fine. I'll just text her, she should be out of the shower by now.
What is Michael Jackson's favorite lunchtime meal?
Grilled Chee-heese
A Russian, a Brit and an American are stuck on a mountain
While they wait for rescue to arrive, they get together for a meal. As everyone is taking out their kits and prepping, the Russian starts boasting "in the soviet army, they feed us 2000 calories of food a day". The Brit turns and scoffs at him, then he says " in the royal army, we are fed 4000 calories of food a day". The American waiting for his turns goes and says "in the us army we are fed 8000 calories a day". At that point, the Russian jumps up and yells at the American "NON SENSE. NO ONE CAN EAT THAT MUCH CABBAGE IN ONE DAY".
I was making a meal for a family dinner
But I accidentally burnt the food
When my family came to eat they said it was terrible
And I replied At least the fire alarm thought it was fire
An old man is eating some breakfast at a diner when three bikers walk in.
The first biker puts out his cigarette in the old man's pancakes.
The second biker spits out his tobacco in the old man's coffee.
The third biker takes the entire meal and shoves it off the table.
The old man, without saying so much as a word, gets up, pays the waitress, and exits the diner. The bikers laugh and sit at the old man's table. "Not much of a man, was he?" says one of the bikers.
"Not much of a driver either," says the waitress. "That man just drove his 16-wheeler over three bikes."
Told to me by a six year old.
Why was the snow yellow?
Because Elsa let it go!
I am a waiter and I have regular family every week on Monday. I exchange jokes with the youngest boy and he always wins free dessert. This week however he won a free meal for the whole family. I laughed til I made yellow snow
Edit. Did not know it was my cake day! I think this is my first joke post. Just wanted to share.
There was once a truck driver eating at a diner.
He was enjoying his meal, when a gang of bikers walked in. They started bullying him, by dumping salt and pepper all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. To their surprise, the truck driver did nothing, but pay the bill, and walk out of the diner.
As they are marveling about this, the waitress comes up to them. The biker gang says that the truck driver wasn't much of a fighter.
The waitress then looks out into the night and says, He doesn't look to be much of a driver either. He just ran over 3 motorcycles.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was very proud of myself today.
I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's.
His mom beat the s**... out of me.
