The Best 76 Meal Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Meal jokes. There are some meal menu jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these meal rawmen puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Meal Jokes and Puns

Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

What's a lesbian's favorite meal to cook?

Nothing. Lesbians don't cook. They eat out.

I went to my girlfriend's house last night for a romantic night in...

It was amazing, we had a three course meal with champagne over candle light, we then snuggled up on the sofa, to watch a movie, then, when we went up stairs, I let her get changed, while I spread rose petals over the bed, then, we had the most amazing, mind blowing sex that I've ever had, but just as I was about to finish, her parents walked in...

I am now banned from babysitting.

Don't Bullshit Your Mother

Mrs. Rabin comes to visit her son Bernie for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Elaine. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Bernie's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Bernie and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Bernie volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Elaine and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Elaine came to Bernie saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:

*Dear Mom
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son
Bernie*

Several days later, Bernie received a response email from his Mom which read:

*Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Elaine, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mother*

jokes about meal

An atheist in the forest...

stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"


A women invites 3 military men to her house

During WW2 many families near military bases would invite service men over to their house for an evening to forget about the war, and to enjoy a home cooked meal. So a women calls the military base and says she would like to invite 3 men over but expresses that they CANNOT be Jews. Absolutely no Jews. The base commander says fine he will send 3 over on Sunday. She agreed and hanged up. On Sunday a jeep drives up and 3 black men got out of the vehicle. The women is in shock and asks the men is this a mistake? Surely this HAS to be a mistake! One of the men replies, "No ma'am, Captain Goldstein never makes a mistake."

My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me a meal.....

My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me one of her favourite dishes last night.

"What are these little round things", I asked.

"Have you never seen a chick-pea before?", she said.

"Of course I have, my last girlfriend was up for anything, but that doesn't answer my question".

Meal joke, My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me a meal.....

I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me".

Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

A fine-looking gentleman sat down in...

...the main dining room of an expensive restaurant. He ordered a big dinner and spent an hour enjoying himself.

After he was given the check, he summoned the headwaiter. "Ah, my friend," he said, "that was a delicious meal! Perhaps you don't remember that I was a guest at this same table just about a year ago. And at that time I couldn't pay the check, so you, sir had me thrown out in full view of all the other diners!"

"I am so sorry, sir" said the head waiter. "But, you understand-"

"Oh it's quite all right," interrupted the gentleman, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."

4 Jewish women go out for dinner

When the waiter checks on them during their meal he asks "is anything okay?"

So Decartes goes to a restaurant for dinner...

After enjoying his meal, the waiter asks Descartes if he would like any dessert. Politely, he responds, "I think not," then immediately disappears.

You can explore meal dish reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean meal bullfight dad jokes. There are also meal puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend.

It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.

Hey Joe, Do you pray before every meal?

No Mark, my wife is a good cook.

McDonald's will give you a free combo meal...

McDonald's will give you a free combo meal and Β£127.38 if you go to the Drive Thru dressed as a clown.

With a gun.

Marriage is like having your favorite meal every day...

At first, it's great! But after a week, you're thinking, "Eh, I kinda feel like having Asian tonight."

I got fired from my bingo calling job today.

Apparently 'a meal for two with a terrible view' is not an appropriate way to call 69.

Meal joke, I got fired from my bingo calling job today.

Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...

... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal.

The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?"

So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show you." And he leads his friend to the mouth of the cave.

"See that big rock there?" He asks.

The other bat nods.

"I didn't."

What does Happy Meal and a lonely girl have in common?

They both come with a toy in the box.

I am opening a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet"

A kid meal is Β£250


Two cannibals are settling down to have a meal...

.... They agree that it is best if each of them start at one end of the corpse. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asks "how's it going down there?"

The other replies: "oh, I'm having a ball over here..."

The first yells: "Oi, slow down, you're eating too fast!"

A woman on death row is asked what she would like for her last meal.

I dunno, what do you want?

A panda bear walks into a resturant..

And orders some food, after his meal the server comes out and asks how everything was and the panda bear pulls a gun a shoots him. The manager comes out and says "hey man what's going on?" The panda bear replies "I'm a panda bear Google it.." and leaves. The manager curiously Googled panda bear and was reading "panda bear: black and white bear, eats chutes and leaves."

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"

The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"

Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!

Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.

A blonde walked up to a restaurant and upon seeing that the sign said "Open", she walked in.

She ordered a full course meal and was very happy. She stood up to leave but stood at the door for 10 minutes, checking her watch frequently. A waiter walked up to her. Waiter: "Hello ma'am. Are you waiting for somebody today?" Blonde: "No, not particularly." Waiter: "Then why are you standing by the door?" Blonde: "The door says closed. I'm waiting for it to open."

A male prison guard asks a woman on death row what she would like for her last meal.

She replies, "I don't know, what do you want to eat?"

The cannibal nervously decided to try his first human meal

Much to his dismay, he got cold feet

Meal joke, The cannibal nervously decided to try his first human meal

I call my wife "Happy Meal"...

She's not enough to satisfy me but she comes with a toy...

What is my girlfriend's favorite meal?

A dish called: "I don't know, you choose."

Two cannibals are enjoying dinner.

One compliments the other, "I say, Bill, your wife really makes a great meal."


I just got fired from my job as a bingo caller...

Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view" is *not* an appropriate way of calling out number 69...

A man goes to jail.

A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal

"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked

"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"

Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing

The man begins "1,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall..."

What is the only meal served in nuclear power stations?

Fission chips.

I was eating soup one day outside my favorite restaurant and it started raining..

Took me hours to finish my meal.

A man walks into a steakhouse

A man walks into a steakhouse and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling.

"What's with the meat?" he asks the hostess.

She says, "It's a contest we are running. If you can jump up and grab a piece, your entire meal is free."

"And what if I miss?"

"Then you need to buy everyone in the restaurant a drink. Do you want to try?"

He looks up again.

"No, the steaks are too high."


I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked...

"How would you like your steak, sir?" "The same way I like my sex," I replied. He smiled and said, "So, rare?"

A Christian man was getting chased by a bear in the woods

The man realized the bear was catching up, so the man got down on his knees and yelled "DEAR GOD, PLEASE LET THIS BEAR BECOME A CHRISTIAN SO THAT HE DOESN'T EAT ME" then the bear got down on his knees and said, "Dear God, thank you for this meal."

You order one pizza

You love it.

Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread.

Before you know it, your eating pizzas for every meal, and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one.

That's the domino effect.

What does a cannibal call a person in a good mood?

a happy meal

On Death Row

Guard: what do you want for your last meal?

Woman prisoner: I don't know, what do you want?

Yo momma is so vegan and fat...

..that she ate a meal and got arrested for deforestation.

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

A man's last meal

So a prisoner is about to be executed and the guards ask him,
What do you want your last meal to be?

Strawberries he responds.

But it's winter. We can't get strawberries until spring

Eh. I'll wait

Luke and Obi-Wan walk into a Chinese restaurant

Ten minutes into the meal, Luke's still having trouble with the chopsticks, dropping food everywhere. Obi-Wan finally snaps, *Use the forks, Luke.*

After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...

During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

Some students notice an elderly couple in the McDonald's with only one meal on the table...

"Excuse me," says one of the students, "I noticed that you only have one meal between you. If you'd like we could get another for you, it's no trouble."

"That's very kind of you," replies the elderly woman, "but you see, in our marriage my husband and I share everything. This is enough food for both of us."

A few minutes later, the students again notice that the only elderly man is eating while his wife sits in still silence.

"Perhaps we could get that meal for you after all?" another student asks sheepishly. To which the woman replies:

"Oh no, it's fine. I'm waiting for my turn with the dentures."

After finishing my meal, the waiter gave me the dessert menu.

"Can I ask you something?" I said.



"Certainly," he replied.



I said, "Why did you just eat my food?"

A waitress spots a dejected looking man staring at the menu...

Concerned, she approaches and asks if she can help.

Man: I'd like to order my late wife's usual meal but I can't remember it...

Waitress: I'm so sorry! Could you describe it to me? I'm sure we can figure out what her favorite was.

Man: No, it's fine. I'll just text her, she should be out of the shower by now.

A man and his wife are arguing:

The wife says: "Well, I'm just gonna go stay at my mother's!"

The husband says: "Wait take me with you. I'd like to have a good meal for a change."

I ate a kids meal in McDonald's this morning.

His mother was furious.

I ate a kids meal at McDonald's for lunch today

His mom was pissed

An old man is eating some breakfast at a diner when three bikers walk in.

The first biker puts out his cigarette in the old man's pancakes.

The second biker spits out his tobacco in the old man's coffee.

The third biker takes the entire meal and shoves it off the table.

The old man, without saying so much as a word, gets up, pays the waitress, and exits the diner. The bikers laugh and sit at the old man's table. "Not much of a man, was he?" says one of the bikers.

"Not much of a driver either," says the waitress. "That man just drove his 16-wheeler over three bikes."

Told to me by a six year old.

Why was the snow yellow?

Because Elsa let it go!


I am a waiter and I have regular family every week on Monday. I exchange jokes with the youngest boy and he always wins free dessert. This week however he won a free meal for the whole family. I laughed til I made yellow snow

Edit. Did not know it was my cake day! I think this is my first joke post. Just wanted to share.

There was once a truck driver eating at a diner.

He was enjoying his meal, when a gang of bikers walked in. They started bullying him, by dumping salt and pepper all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. To their surprise, the truck driver did nothing, but pay the bill, and walk out of the diner.

As they are marveling about this, the waitress comes up to them. The biker gang says that the truck driver wasn't much of a fighter.

The waitress then looks out into the night and says, He doesn't look to be much of a driver either. He just ran over 3 motorcycles.

A guard asks a woman on death row what she'd like for her final meal.

idk, what do you want?

I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today...

His mom got really angry with me...

An individual walks into a restaurants, orders and eats his meal

"That'll be $13.45." says the waiter.

The individual pulls out a $50 bill.

"Sorry, we've had issues with counterfeit money lately. Do you have any smaller bills?" asks the waiter.

"Sure, no problem.." The individual pulls out a $25 bill, pays with it and leaves.

If my wife was on Death Row her last meal would be

I don't know. What do you feel like?

I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.

So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man when he stops drinking & hunting!

Freddie Mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash.

"Can you go and get me another one please?" Asked Freddie.

"Why?" Asked the waiter.

"I want to break three."

An elderly couple are at McDonald's

They order one meal between the 2 and go and sit down.

The guy in the booth next to them notices they've only got one meal and offers to buy them another one.

The elderly man says "no thank you we share everything"

So the elderly man then cuts the burger in half and gives half to his wife. She starts to eat and the elderly man just sits there.

The man in the booth looks over again and this time notices the elderly man isn't eating yet. So he asks "why aren't you eating as well?

The elderly man replies "I'm waiting for the dentures"

Give a man a fish and he will have a meal,

Teach a man how to fish and he will spend thousands of dollars on fishing equipment.

Went to McDonald's today and ate a kid's meal.

He cried and his mom was pissed.

What did the narcissist say to the cannibal?

I'm kind of a big meal

An American asks a Frenchman: Why don't the French say grace before their meal?

Because we can cook

I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today

His parents were pissed.

An old guy was sitting eating at a local truck stop...

when three big, burly bikers walked in. The first stubbed his cigarette out in the old guy's pie, the second walked past and spat in his coffee, and the last flipped the guy's plate over, tipping the rest of his meal everywhere.

The old guy didn't say a word. He just got up and slowly walked out of the truck stop.

"Huh" snorted the first biker. "He wasn't much of a man, was he?"

"Nope" replied their server. "He's not much of a truck driver either. He just backed up and crushed 3 motorcycles with his rig."

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."

On a flight from Dublin, Ireland to Boston, the chief flight attendant made an announcement...

"Due to a terrible mistake by the airline's caterer, there are only 80 dinners instead of the 225 required to feed all the passengers on board. To fix the situation, we are offering unlimited drinks to anybody who is willing to give up their meal".

Two hours before landing, another announcement was made. "There are still 80 meals available if anybody is hungry".

What's a nuclear engineer's favourite meal?

Fission chips

A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a meal.

The barman says, "sorry, we don't serve food here".

Did you hear that farmers are getting rid of circular hay bales?

Yeah, horses are sad that they're not getting a square meal.

There was a group of ravens in the park today fighting over a happy meal,

I'd never seen such a great unkindness before; I had thought they were crows until I walked closer, for a second I thought I had witnessed a murder.

I'm in an age gap relationship.

I'm 40, she's 19.

Anyway, we went out for a meal, as soon as we walked in the restaurant people shot me dirty looks, then the whispering started "nonce", "pervert" "paedo.

My girlfriend got upset and we left.

Completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.

Nothing she did could stop it.
She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.

But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn't say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, "Please forgive my behavior from before. I was entirely out of line."
"Wow," the woman said, "glad to hear it."

"If I may ask," said the Parrot, "what on Earth
did that turkey say to you?"

A skunk, a deer and a duck went out to dinner…

When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent and the deer didn't have a buck, so they put the meal on the duck's bill.

So I arrived at the restaurant……………..

So I arrived at the restaurant a bit early for a family meal.
-"Would you mind waiting for a while?" asked the manager.
"Not at all," I replied.
-"Good," he said.
And then added,
-"Take these 2 Coq au Vins over to the couple by the window, then start clearing tables 4 and 7"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the meal breakfast puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working meal restaurant piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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