Meal Jokes

What are some Meal jokes?

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal

He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

Yo momma is so vegan and fat...

..that she ate a meal and got arrested for deforestation.

McDonald's will give you a free combo meal...

McDonald's will give you a free combo meal and Β£127.38 if you go to the Drive Thru dressed as a clown.

With a gun.

I just got fired from my job as a bingo caller...

Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view" is *not* an appropriate way of calling out number 69...

You order one pizza

You love it.

Next time you order a pizza and a garlic bread.

Before you know it, your eating pizzas for every meal, and you get withdrawal symptoms if you don't get one.

That's the domino effect.

I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me".

Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

A man goes to jail.

A man was sentenced to death. By tradition, the man can request one last meal

"So what will it Be?" the executioner asked

"Instead of food, can I request to sing one last song? But you must let me finish the song"

Confused by this, the executioner agreed to let the man sing


The man begins "1,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall..."

I was eating soup one day outside my favorite restaurant and it started raining..

Took me hours to finish my meal.

I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked...

"How would you like your steak, sir?" "The same way I like my sex," I replied. He smiled and said, "So, rare?"

A woman on death row is asked what she would like for her last meal.

I dunno, what do you want?

Two cannibals are settling down to have a meal...

.... They agree that it is best if each of them start at one end of the corpse. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asks "how's it going down there?"

The other replies: "oh, I'm having a ball over here..."

The first yells: "Oi, slow down, you're eating too fast!"

Hey Joe, Do you pray before every meal?

No Mark, my wife is a good cook.

I went to my girlfriend's house last night for a romantic night in...

It was amazing, we had a three course meal with champagne over candle light, we then snuggled up on the sofa, to watch a movie, then, when we went up stairs, I let her get changed, while I spread rose petals over the bed, then, we had the most amazing, mind blowing sex that I've ever had, but just as I was about to finish, her parents walked in...

I am now banned from babysitting.

I call my wife "Happy Meal"...

She's not enough to satisfy me but she comes with a toy...

What is the only meal served in nuclear power stations?

Fission chips.

My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me a meal.....

My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me one of her favourite dishes last night.

"What are these little round things", I asked.

"Have you never seen a chick-pea before?", she said.

"Of course I have, my last girlfriend was up for anything, but that doesn't answer my question".

Two cannibals are enjoying dinner.

One compliments the other, "I say, Bill, your wife really makes a great meal."

Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...

... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal.

The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?"

So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show you." And he leads his friend to the mouth of the cave.

"See that big rock there?" He asks.

The other bat nods.

"I didn't."

A man walks into a steakhouse

A man walks into a steakhouse and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling.

"What's with the meat?" he asks the hostess.

She says, "It's a contest we are running. If you can jump up and grab a piece, your entire meal is free."

"And what if I miss?"

"Then you need to buy everyone in the restaurant a drink. Do you want to try?"

He looks up again.

"No, the steaks are too high."

4 Jewish women go out for dinner

When the waiter checks on them during their meal he asks "is anything okay?"

Marriage is like having your favorite meal every day...

At first, it's great! But after a week, you're thinking, "Eh, I kinda feel like having Asian tonight."

What does Happy Meal and a lonely girl have in common?

They both come with a toy in the box.

A male prison guard asks a woman on death row what she would like for her last meal.

She replies, "I don't know, what do you want to eat?"

I got fired from my bingo calling job today.

Apparently 'a meal for two with a terrible view' is not an appropriate way to call 69.

A woman called up St. John's hospital and asked "I want to know if the patient Sarah James in Room No 1438 is getting better"

The nurse replied, "She is doing very well. She had her first solid meal today, her blood pressure is fine and if she continues improving she might even be sent home in a couple of days."

The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful news!"

Nurse: I take it you must be a family member or a close friend!

Woman: No I am Sarah James. No one tells me anything here.

My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend.

It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.

I am opening a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet"

A kid meal is Β£250

What does a cannibal call a person in a good mood?

a happy meal

A Christian man was getting chased by a bear in the woods

The man realized the bear was catching up, so the man got down on his knees and yelled "DEAR GOD, PLEASE LET THIS BEAR BECOME A CHRISTIAN SO THAT HE DOESN'T EAT ME" then the bear got down on his knees and said, "Dear God, thank you for this meal."

A women invites 3 military men to her house

During WW2 many families near military bases would invite service men over to their house for an evening to forget about the war, and to enjoy a home cooked meal. So a women calls the military base and says she would like to invite 3 men over but expresses that they CANNOT be Jews. Absolutely no Jews. The base commander says fine he will send 3 over on Sunday. She agreed and hanged up. On Sunday a jeep drives up and 3 black men got out of the vehicle. The women is in shock and asks the men is this a mistake? Surely this HAS to be a mistake! One of the men replies, "No ma'am, Captain Goldstein never makes a mistake."

What's a lesbian's favorite meal to cook?

Nothing. Lesbians don't cook. They eat out.

What is my girlfriend's favorite meal?

A dish called: "I don't know, you choose."

A panda bear walks into a resturant..

And orders some food, after his meal the server comes out and asks how everything was and the panda bear pulls a gun a shoots him. The manager comes out and says "hey man what's going on?" The panda bear replies "I'm a panda bear Google it.." and leaves. The manager curiously Googled panda bear and was reading "panda bear: black and white bear, eats chutes and leaves."

On Death Row

Guard: what do you want for your last meal?

Woman prisoner: I don't know, what do you want?

A fine-looking gentleman sat down in...

...the main dining room of an expensive restaurant. He ordered a big dinner and spent an hour enjoying himself.

After he was given the check, he summoned the headwaiter. "Ah, my friend," he said, "that was a delicious meal! Perhaps you don't remember that I was a guest at this same table just about a year ago. And at that time I couldn't pay the check, so you, sir had me thrown out in full view of all the other diners!"

"I am so sorry, sir" said the head waiter. "But, you understand-"

"Oh it's quite all right," interrupted the gentleman, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."

An atheist in the forest...

stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"

A blonde walked up to a restaurant and upon seeing that the sign said "Open", she walked in.

She ordered a full course meal and was very happy. She stood up to leave but stood at the door for 10 minutes, checking her watch frequently. A waiter walked up to her. Waiter: "Hello ma'am. Are you waiting for somebody today?" Blonde: "No, not particularly." Waiter: "Then why are you standing by the door?" Blonde: "The door says closed. I'm waiting for it to open."

A man gets in a fight with his wife

A man gets in an argument with his wife during dinner. After the meal, the husband furiously runs down to their wine cellar and opens a bottle of vintage wine. Magically, a genie comes out of the bottle and says "You have freed me. You now have three wishes. But you should know, whatever you wish for, your wife will get double."
The man says "I understand. My first wish will be a large beach house."
The genie snapped his fingers and said "Your new beach house is waiting for you. But your wife now has two beach houses right next to yours."
"That's fine" the man said. "How about a nice sports car?"
The genie snapped his fingers and said "Your brand new sports car is in your garage. But your wife now has two sports cars. You have one more wish."

The man thought and thought about what his last wish should be. After a few hours of thinking, he stood up and told the genie "I wish you would beat me half to death."

Clean as cold water can get it.

A man decides to spend a week on his uncle's farm, well away from the city life. The first night his uncle cooks him a lovely meal and afterwards his uncle takes the dishes away to be cleaned. The next day at breakfast the man notices there still seem to be bits of dinner on the plate. He asks his uncle about it and his uncle replies "It's as clean as cold water can get it." The man accepts that but offers to do the cleaning himself, but his uncle refuses. At dinner the man again notices bits of the last meal still on the dishes. He asks his uncle again, and the reply is still "It's as clean as cold water can get it."

This continues for the week until it's time for the man to leave, but his uncle's dog is blocking the gate and refuses to move. The man asks his uncle to get the dog out of the way and his uncle yells: "Oi! Coldwater! Get out of the way!"

A man sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili...

The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl".

He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?"

The other guy says, "No. Help yourself".

He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.

The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".

Poor elderly couple in fastfood restaurant

A Poor elderly couple walk into a fastfood restaurant and order one value meal. They quietly go to their table And the man gets a knife and cut the hamburger in half, gets a plastic cup, And proceed to equally divide the drink that came with the menu drop by drop. He then divide the fry's one by one so they both get exactly the same amount.

Another costumer noticed this and gets to the couple: "It seems you can't afford to get a meal for both. I be happy to buy you an additional meal". The man replies: "No its OK. we are used to sharing. We share everything since we are together.", and the costumer go back to his table but still observe the couple.

He sees how the man drinks half of their drink.
He sees how the man eats his part of the fry's
and he sees how the man eat his half of the hamburger, he noticed his wife haven't eat a single bite.

He goes back to the couple and ask the wife:"Well what are you waiting for?",

The wife replied:"the teeth"

a dyslexic customer walks into a bra

"how much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "$1".

The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender

"Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender reply's "$5".

The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife".

The guy looks all confused then asks

"What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?"

The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

So Decartes goes to a restaurant for dinner...

After enjoying his meal, the waiter asks Descartes if he would like any dessert. Politely, he responds, "I think not," then immediately disappears.

The cannibal nervously decided to try his first human meal

Much to his dismay, he got cold feet

Duke!!

A new boyfriend is having dinner at his new girlfriends house. He walks in shakes hands with everybody, and then they sit down and begin eating. A few minutes into the meal, the boyfriend realizes that he really needs to fart, really badly. He quickly glances around, and notices the family's dog, Duke, is sitting right next to him. He takes advantage of his good fortune, and quickly let's out his fart. Everyone at the table stops eating, looks up, and says, "Duke!" Relieved, the boyfriend begins eating again.
Several minutes later, the boyfriend realizes that he has to fart again. Luckily, Duke is still by his side, so he once again quickly let's his fart go. "Duke!" the family cries once again. The boyfriend is now very pleased with himself that he is blaming Duke for the farts, and not getting blamed himself.
Several minutes pass, and once again, the boyfriend decides that he needs to let one rip. The boyfriend once again releases his fart, and in reply the family shouts, "Duke, get away from him before he craps on you!"

What do you call a girl who'll go home with any guy after he buy her a hearty Italian meal?

A pasta-tute.

What's a 7 course meal for an Irishman?

A six-pack and a potato.

Why do French people eat no more than 1 egg per meal?

Because one is un Ε“uf.

My 35 year old friend and his 22 year old girlfriend had their meal out completely ruined by strangers judging them for their age gap.

It completely ruined their 10 year anniversary.

It was mealtime on an airplane...

...and the flight attendant asked a passenger if he would like some dinner.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

What did the time traveler do when he was still hungry after his meal?

He went back for seconds.

Giving to the less fortunate

A homeless man had been driven to picking small blades of grass that he could find on the side of the street for food.

Then, a rich man drove up next to him, riding in a limo, and told him to get inside for a more plentiful meal.

The homeless man, almost taken aback by tears of joy, starts to enter the limo, but suddenly stops. He says "This is a very generous offer sir, but I have a wife and young child as well who are just as hungry as I am". "Thats fine", says the rich man, "the more people the better".

The homeless man starts to breakdown, saying, "I will never forget this sir, it has been so long since my family and I have had a proper meal". The rich man gives a confused look, and says, "I don't think you understand, the grass in my yard is a foot tall".

A hungry lion roamed through the jungle looking for his next meal when he came upon two men.

One man was sitting under a tree reading a book. The other man was writing in a notebook. The lion quickly pounced in the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that reader's digest and writers cramp.

Roses

An elderly couple are having dinner at another couple's house. After their meal, the wives went into the kitchen to do some washing up.

The two elderly guys were chatting, and one says, "Last night we went out to an amazing new restaurant that I'd, personally, recommend."

The other man says, "Oh, really? What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying, "Uh, I'm drawing a blank. What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies, "Uh, a carnation?"

"No, no. The other one," the man says.

His friend suggests, "The poppy?"

"No, no, no," growls the man. "You know--the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend says, "Oh, do you mean a rose?"

"Yes! Thank you," the first man says. He then turns towards the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

A synagogue is being audited by the IRS

The auditor was really eager to catch the Rabbi with wasting charity funds.

Auditor - what do you do with the candle drippings?

Rabbi - we collect it and send it back to the candle company. Every once in a while, they send us back new candles.

Auditor - when you're finished eating your matza, what do you do with the crumbs?

Rabbi - we collect it and send it back to the company and every once in a while, they send us back some matza meal.

Auditor - when you perform a circumcision, what do you do with the foreskin?

Rabbi - we collect them and send them back to Washington. Every once in a while they send us back an auditor!

Five cannibals get hired

Five cannibals get hired on as engineers at a large International Company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for a meal, so please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Vice Presidents, Corporate Lawyers, and Regional Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

A vegan was flying to Germany and discovered the airline had forgotten his special meal. He had no choice but to eat the only meal available: sausage and cheese.

It was a Wurst-KΓ€se scenario.

At the second annual UK women's rights meeting...

a lady from Birmingham stood up and said,

"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer cook for my husband. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, my husband cooked a wonderful meal, and has continued to cook every night since."

She recieved a generous round of applause.

Another lady, from London, stood up next and said,

"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer wash my husband's clothes. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, my husband washed his clothes *and* mine, and has continued to do so every week since."

She, too, recieved a round of applause.

Finally a lady from Barry (my hometown) stood up to address the audience.

"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer cook for my husband *or* wash his clothes. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

Two cannibals...

Two cannibals were sharing a meal one day. One started eating at the head, while the other started at the foot. After a little while one asked "How are you going?"

The other responded, "Man, I'm having a ball!"
To which the first cannibal said "Wow your eating super quick!"

Pastor and the Housekeeper

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in
the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and
his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new
young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory.
While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely
and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his
heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor
and the housekeeper.

After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured
the young priest that everything was purely professional...that
she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor
and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came
for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful
silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do
you?" The Pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write
him a letter."

So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying
you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you
did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
it has been missing since you were here for dinner."

The young assistant received the letter and he answered
it as follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that
you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying
that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do
know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you
would find the gravy ladle."

"Honey," said a husband, "I Invited a friend home for dinner."

"What? Are you crazy?" The wife replied.
"The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal."

" I know all that," he said.

"Then why did you invite a friend for dinner?" she asked.

he replied, "because the poor fools thinking about getting married."

A man is walking down the street very hungry....

and he only has 2 dollars in his pocket. No matter where he looks, 2 dollars doesn't seem to buy him a meal. That is until he comes across a restaurant who specializes in chili, and they were having a special. One bowl of chili for 2 dollars! So the man walks into the restaurant and immediately sees a man sitting over a big bowl of chili, but not touching it. The man asks: "are you eating that?" "No, you can have it" the other man replied. So our hungry friend starts on the chili. It tasted amazing! It had the right amount of spice, warmth, good amount of chunks. He wolfed it down in less than 5 minutes, and the man that gave him the chili sat and watched the entire time. When he got to the bottom of the chili, he uncovered 4 toenails at the bottom of the bowl. This was so revolting that he immediately vomited back into the bowl, filling it right back to the top again. That's when the man who gave him the chili said: "Yeah, that happened to me too"

Man walks into a restaurant

Waiter welcomes him and says:
"Hello sir, all our tables are full so you might have to wait for about 30 minutes".
"Do you know who I am?" the man replies.
"Oh, of course, I'm sorry, we'll get you a table anyways." says the waiter.

After the man has eaten his meal, waiter brings him the check and says:

"I hope you enjoyed the meal, here's the check."
"Do you know who I am?!" replies the man again.
In frustration the waiter takes the check back and says:
"Certainly sir, it's on the house."

In confusion the man walks out of the restaurant and thinks himself "Can anyone ever help me with my amnesia?"

Everytime I go out to dinner, I pay for someone else's meal too. Some call it charity...

But that's not my wife's name.

At breakfast, a husband says to his wife, "I want us to try doggy tonight"

Surprisingly to the husband the wife agrees.

So that night, both quite excited, the husband cooks his wife a lovely dinner. After enjoying the meal they head upstairs and get into bed. The husband leans over to his wife, kisses her on the cheek and says, "night night sweety"

The wife turns on her bedside lamp, confused, and says, "what? What about doggy?"

The husband replies, "honey, I can't believe you enjoyed it so much you want more. I'm sorry, but there's none left, I'll cook it again for you next week."

Christian & The Bear

A Christian was hiking in the wilderness, he stumbles upon a bear. The bear starts chasing him! The Christian is now cornered, he gets on one knee and says "Lord, turn this bear into a Christian" the bear creeps up closer and closer, and then gets on one knee and says "Lord, thank you so much for this meal I'm about to receive"

Never lie to your Mother

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,

Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?

He said , Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, your son.

Several hours later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.

Love, Mom.

My girlfriend nicknamed me the "Microwave Meal"

Thirty seconds on full power and I'm finished.

"free"

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "free". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "free". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

A panda walks into a restaurant

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders one of everything. The panda finishes up his meal and his bill comes the panda stands up and shoots the waiter. The manager comes out of the back and goes you've eaten all my food and shot my staff and wont even pay your bill what's wrong with you? The panda reply's "I'm a panda look me up in the dictionary" The manager goes and gets a dictionary he looks up panda and the definition is "Eats shoots and leaves"

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.....


During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.

How to make Meal jokes?

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