meal Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious meal stories

What are the best Meal puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Meal? Well here is a complete list of Meal dad jokes:

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding

Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

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"free"

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "free". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "free". The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says "Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place". The bartender then says "Oh well, he's upstairs in his office with my wife". The guy looks all confused then asks "What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?" The bartender then says "The same thing I'm doing to his business".

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Never lie to your Mother

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,

Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?

He said , Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure. He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, your son.

Several hours later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.

Love, Mom.

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Two Jewish mothers are at lunch...

During the meal, one of the mothers says to her friend, "I have some distressing news. I sent my son to Israel to become a better Jew, but he came back a Christian."
Her friend looks up in surprise and says, "Funny story! I also sent my son to Israel to become a better Jew, and he came back a Christian! Let us go and talk to the Rabbi."
The two mothers stroll down to the local synagogue and lay their problems before the Rabbi, whom, upon hearing their Lamentations replies, "Funny story! I also sent my son to Israel to become a Jew, and he came back a Christian! Let us pray for guidance."
The three of them kneel in prayer, and are answered by the voice of God: "What troubles you, my children?" He says.
"Father," says the Rabbi, "Each of us sent our sons to Israel to become better Jews, and each of them has become a Christian."
To which God replies:
"Funny story..."

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A truck driver pulls up to a rest stop to grab a quick meal

A big gang of bikers come in after him. They start to screw with the truck driver, throw food on him, etc, trying to start a fight or something. However the trucker doesn't fight back or say anything at all really. Finally he gets up, pays his bill, and leaves.

After he is gone the leader of the gang says to the waitress, "He wasn't much of a man, was he?"

The waitress takes a look out the window and says "Well he isn't much of a truck driver either, he just ran over seventeen motorcycles!"

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I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...

A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the check to me".

Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".

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A woman is out buying groceries...

She buys one apple, one banana, one small milk, a frozen meal for one and one cup of instant noodles. The cashier looks at her and says "So, I suppose you're single?" The woman looks away, blushing, and answers "Yes I am. How did you know?" The cashier replies "Because you are fucking ugly."

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A fine-looking gentleman sat down in...

...the main dining room of an expensive restaurant. He ordered a big dinner and spent an hour enjoying himself.

After he was given the check, he summoned the headwaiter. "Ah, my friend," he said, "that was a delicious meal! Perhaps you don't remember that I was a guest at this same table just about a year ago. And at that time I couldn't pay the check, so you, sir had me thrown out in full view of all the other diners!"

"I am so sorry, sir" said the head waiter. "But, you understand-"

"Oh it's quite all right," interrupted the gentleman, "but I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you again."

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An elderly couple walks into McDonalds...

...and they order a single meal. A man sitting nearby watches as they carefully divide the burger and fries in half. He feels sorry for them and offers to buy them another meal. "It's ok," says the husband, "we share everything."

After a few minutes the man notices that the wife has not touched her food while the husband is busy scarfing away. "I'm serious, it's no trouble," he says. "I can buy you guys another meal."

"And I'm serious," replies the husband. "We share everything! Don't worry about it."

The man looks to the wife and asks "Why aren't you eating?"

She replies, "because I'm waiting for the teeth!"

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anyone interested in a good Sherlock Holmes joke?

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie wine, they retire to their tent for the night.

At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions of stars."

Holmes asks, "And, what does that tell you?"

Watson replies, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it's about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes retorts, "Someone stole our tent."

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Hey Joe, Do you pray before every meal?

No Mark, my wife is a good cook.

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I went to my girlfriend's house last night for a romantic night in...

It was amazing, we had a three course meal with champagne over candle light, we then snuggled up on the sofa, to watch a movie, then, when we went up stairs, I let her get changed, while I spread rose petals over the bed, then, we had the most amazing, mind blowing sex that I've ever had, but just as I was about to finish, her parents walked in...

I am now banned from babysitting.

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My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me a meal.....

My new vegetarian girlfriend cooked me one of her favourite dishes last night.

"What are these little round things", I asked.

"Have you never seen a chick-pea before?", she said.

"Of course I have, my last girlfriend was up for anything, but that doesn't answer my question".

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4 Jewish women go out for dinner

When the waiter checks on them during their meal he asks "is anything okay?"

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My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend.

It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.

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What's a lesbian's favorite meal to cook?

Nothing. Lesbians don't cook. They eat out.

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Poor elderly couple in fastfood restaurant

A Poor elderly couple walk into a fastfood restaurant and order one value meal. They quietly go to their table And the man gets a knife and cut the hamburger in half, gets a plastic cup, And proceed to equally divide the drink that came with the menu drop by drop. He then divide the fry's one by one so they both get exactly the same amount.

Another costumer noticed this and gets to the couple: "It seems you can't afford to get a meal for both. I be happy to buy you an additional meal". The man replies: "No its OK. we are used to sharing. We share everything since we are together.", and the costumer go back to his table but still observe the couple.

He sees how the man drinks half of their drink.
He sees how the man eats his part of the fry's
and he sees how the man eat his half of the hamburger, he noticed his wife haven't eat a single bite.

He goes back to the couple and ask the wife:"Well what are you waiting for?",

The wife replied:"the teeth"

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So Decartes goes to a restaurant for dinner...

After enjoying his meal, the waiter asks Descartes if he would like any dessert. Politely, he responds, "I think not," then immediately disappears.

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So a shark and his son are going to get some food....

They look for a vessel in distress, and when they finally find one, the father says to the son, "I'm going to teach you how to catch your first human. First, you raise your dorsal fin slightly out of the water. Second, you raise all of your fins out of the water, and start circling around them. Finally, you go in and eat them."

The father and son swim over to the vessel, and the son executes the meal with ease. The father is impressed with his son, and commends him on his excellent performance. But the son is troubled and asks, "Why do we raise our fins out of the water and circle around them? Wouldn't it just be easier to go in and eat them?"

The father replies, "They taste better without shit in them."

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What's a 7 course meal for an Irishman?

A six-pack and a potato.

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Why do French people eat no more than 1 egg per meal?

Because one is un Ε“uf.

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It was mealtime on an airplane...

...and the flight attendant asked a passenger if he would like some dinner.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

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Roses

An elderly couple are having dinner at another couple's house. After their meal, the wives went into the kitchen to do some washing up.

The two elderly guys were chatting, and one says, "Last night we went out to an amazing new restaurant that I'd, personally, recommend."

The other man says, "Oh, really? What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying, "Uh, I'm drawing a blank. What is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies, "Uh, a carnation?"

"No, no. The other one," the man says.

His friend suggests, "The poppy?"

"No, no, no," growls the man. "You know--the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend says, "Oh, do you mean a rose?"

"Yes! Thank you," the first man says. He then turns towards the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

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At the second annual UK women's rights meeting...

a lady from Birmingham stood up and said,

"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer cook for my husband. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, my husband cooked a wonderful meal, and has continued to cook every night since."

She recieved a generous round of applause.

Another lady, from London, stood up next and said,

"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer wash my husband's clothes. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, my husband washed his clothes *and* mine, and has continued to do so every week since."

She, too, recieved a round of applause.

Finally a lady from Barry (my hometown) stood up to address the audience.

"Ladies, last year I vowed to no longer cook for my husband *or* wash his clothes. On the first day, I saw nothing. On the second day, I saw nothing. On the third day, I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

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Two cannibals...

Two cannibals were sharing a meal one day. One started eating at the head, while the other started at the foot. After a little while one asked "How are you going?"

The other responded, "Man, I'm having a ball!"
To which the first cannibal said "Wow your eating super quick!"

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What did the Australian chess player say to the waiter when he finished his meal?

Check, mate.

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The time traveler was still hungry after his meal...

So he went back four seconds.

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A man took a woman out for dinner...

but she didn't speak a word of English. They were having a great time, though, feeding each other, flirting, touching and giggling. After the meal is over, the woman draws a picture of a bed on a napkin and gives a sly wink. The man still can't figure out how she knew he was in the furniture business.


The comments in another thread were slamming Readers Digest jokes, and that's where this one came from.

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What's an Irish seven-course meal?

A six-pack and a potato

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A Canibal realized his meal was undercooked.

So he threw up his hands in frustration

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A woman sees an old couple sharing a meal at McDonald...

A woman walks into McDonald and orders her meal. As she sits down with her food, she sees an old couple in a corner booth sharing a single happy meal. The old woman ate while the old man watched hungrily.

"They must be really poor", she thought and decided to do a good dead and bought another meal and brought over to the old couple. When she brought the meal over and explained, the old man thanked her but declined.
"Thank you, my dear, but we have plenty of money. We are sharing because when we were married over 50 years ago we vowed to share everything. Even a simple meal"

The woman who bought the meal was embarrassed and apologized, but she had one more question before she left them alone.

"I understand sharing everything, but why are you watching her eat? why not split the meal and eat together?" she asked

The old man flashed his gums to the younger woman and told her:
"Because it's her turn for the teeth"

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DUKE!

A young man is about to meet the parents of his girlfriend for the first time. He goes over to her house for dinner and everything is going great until after the meal when he suddenly becomes very gassy. His girlfriend and her mother go to wash dishes and the only ones around is the father and an old bloodhound named Duke, who is resting under the young man's chair. The young man decided to test his luck and let out a small fart and the father then yelled "DUKE!". The young man was glad to see his plan in action and followed with a stronger one than the last. "DUKE!" The father yelled again, to which the dog made no response. The young man decided to let it all out with one final blast. As he lets it go the father yells again. "DUKE! Get out from under him before he shits all over you!"

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A panda walks into a restaurant

He orders his food just like normal. The waiter brings it out and he eats his meal. When the check comes, the panda pulls out a shotgun and shoots the waiter. He then promptly leaves. The cook sees this and says "Hey what was that for!?" The panda replies "I'm a panda. Look me up in the dictionary." Once the panda left, the cook brought out a dictionary and looked up the word "panda."

"Panda - a black and white bear. Native to China. Eats chutes and leaves."

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Three gangsters in a fancy restaurant...

Three gangsters, Vito, Carlo, and Nick are sitting around a table in a fancy restaurant. They've just finished their meal and have ordered some brandy. While they're waiting for the brandy Vito pulls out a cigar and a $50 bill. He sticks of the bill into the flame of the candle in the centre of the table and uses it to light his cigar. Not to be outdone, Carlo pulls out a cigar and does the same thing with a $100 bill. Nick laughs and says, You fucking cheapskates! He then pulls out a cigar, writes a check for $1000 and lights his cigar with it.

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Holmes and Watson on a camping trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

Watson replied, I see millions and millions of stars.

What does that tell you? Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent.

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A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders his meal........

The waitress brings his meal to him, and he takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see the cook. The waitress takes him back to the kitchen and he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!, and starts to gag. The waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

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So this guy goes to a Chinese restaurant on his own for a meal...

...and he is served by the most beautiful Chinese woman he has ever seen in is life. She's gorgeous, funny, and they really get on. When he's finished his meal she suggests he has a couple of drinks and hangs around til the end of her shift, then they go on to a club. They talk & talk & laugh & have a great time & eventually they kiss & she asks him if he'd like to accomapnay him back to her apartment, to which he agrees.

They get in the door & BOOM, hands everywhere & clothes richocheting off the walls, & she says, "What's it going to be, then. I'll do anything you want?"

He mutters, "I do so love a 69"

....and she says, "If you think I'm cooking at this time of night , you can FUCK OFF"

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I got fired from my Bingo Caller Job...

Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way you say 69.

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A man goes to confession at his church

He kneels before the priest and says, "Father, I'm afraid to confess something."

"Speak, my son," the priest consoles. The man looks nervous, but begins.

"Last night, my wife and I were having dinner together for the first time in a while. At one point, right in the middle of the meal, I looked up and noticed how ravishing she looked in her dress. Our eyes locked and a spark flew between us that hasn't existed in years and I couldn't help myself: I just grabbed her and tore off her clothes and we made love right there on the table."

"There is no sin in being passionate with your wife, my son," the priest says. "You have nothing to confess."

The man looks surprised. "Really? You're not going to kick us out of the church?"

"Heavens, no! Why would I do that?"

"Well they kicked us out of the restaurant."

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I took this girl out for a meal last night...

I took this girl out for a meal last night. She had frog's legs and chicken breasts... but she had a lovely personality.

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A Jew, an Italian and a Frenchman last meal

Three men, a Frenchman, an Italian, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed.
Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted. Give me some good French wine and French bread, he requested. So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.
Next it was the Italian's turn. Give me a big plate of pasta, said the Italian. So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him.
Now it was the Jew's turn. I want a big bowl of strawberries, said the Jew. Strawberries?!! They aren't even in season! .
So, I'll wait…

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A panda walks into a restaurant

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After the meal the waiter comes to the table to give the panda the check. Without a word the panda draws a gun and shoots the waiter dead. He then gets up nonchalantly and heads for the door. Seeing what just transpired the manager confronts the panda at the door.

" Hey, you just shot my waiter and didn't even pay for your meal!" screams the manager.

The panda replies "I'm a panda, it's what I do. Look it up."

As the panda walks out the door the manager runs to his office and looks up panda in the dictionary:

Panda- A mammal from the bear family with black and white markings originating from the continent of Asia.

Eats chutes and leaves.

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One last request...

An inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.

As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One last thing I would really like to do is sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.

The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall... ."

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A Spanish restaurant

One day a man goes to a Spanish restaurant and orders a meal. While his meal is being prepared, he smells something amazing coming from the table next to him.

He looks over and sees a man eating a meatball dish, so he asks a waiter what that dish is:

"That is a dish made from bull testicles, very exquisite."

"Can I cancel my order and have that instead please?"

"I am sorry sir, but we only get those once a week after the bullfights, you can reserve next weeks if you want?"

"Sure."

So the man waits all week and he can't get that smell out of his head, until finally the meal is in front of him.

It was a little smaller than he remembered, but the taste more than made up for it, savouring every bite. When he was finished the waiter came to him and asked:

"Was everything to your standard, sir?"

"Yes, thank you, I could have sworn they were bigger last week though...?"

"Ahh, yes sir, that is... you see... a problem... sometimes the bull wins"

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Freddie Mercury had just finished his meal in a Greek restaurant when the waiter came over with a couple of plates for him to smash.

"Can you go and get me another one please?" asked Freddie.

"Why?" asked the waiter.

"I want to break three."

(Don't think it's been posted before,recieved it in an email and thought it was worth sharing.)

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What's in an Irish 7 course meal?

A 6 pack and a potato.

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I went to an Indian restaurant and ordered a Pelican curry...

...it wasn't a bad meal, but the bill was enormous.

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A monk walks up to a hot-dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."

~~~

So he pays for his meal and asks for his change.

The vendor shrugs and retorts smugly, "Change comes from within."

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What did the clock do after the good meal?

He went back four seconds.

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What does a death row inmate get after their last meal?

Their just desserts.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best meal jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about meal. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty meal gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these meal jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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