Me Jokes
135 me jokes and hilarious me puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about me that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Me Funny Jokes to Tell Your Friends and Kids.
What is a good me joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.
You see, it used to get cold outside
What's the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it's been fired
If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican
We'll take the alien, you get the predators
What is a Karen called in Europe?
An American.
Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill today?
Because they had to go home and change first.
What is the most expensive video-streaming service at this time?
College
Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the g**..., make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights....
Like he's a Muslim or something.
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they're brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag
Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.
Just a hint: I didn't ask a question.
The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.
Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...
There would be mass confusion.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a b**... convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask
Whoops, wrong sub
If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation s**......
Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.
"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!"
"Mister President, we've been over this..."
My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.
I lost Interest in that relationship.
R Kelly is really changing the rap game
He takes the art out of rap artist
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some w**... with her
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678
By legalizing Cannabis and same-s**... marriage we finally interpreted the bible correctly:
**"A man who lays with another man should be s**...."** [Leviticus 20:13 esv]
Edit1: a typo
Edit2: thanks for the gold humorous stranger!
Scientist: "My findings are meaningless if taken out of context."
Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."
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Pick Me Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny pick me up jokes and even better pick me up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Chinese takeout $20.00.. Gas to pick it up $10.00.. Getting home and realising they have forgotten one of your containers..
Riceless - Father: Son, you were adopted. Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes. - A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store. They gave me another one free of charge.
- My wife left me because I am too insecure. Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.
- You know there's no official training for garbage men? They just pick it up as they go along.
- I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine. She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
- If you could exterminate any race what would you pick? Personally, I'd get rid of the 800m. It's too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.
- I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away
- I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite. It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.
- To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They just picked pizza. I'm about to make tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
Miss Me Jokes
Here is a list of funny miss me jokes and even better miss me puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex? My ex.
- If you ever miss 4:20 just wait untill 4:22 because... 4:22 is 4:20 too.
- a guy got an Interview for a job with EA Boss: the second part of your resume is missing
Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$
Boss: welcome on board - Whosoever invented "dentures" missed out on calling them ... "Substitooths".
- I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat' You've probably seen our posters.
- Whoever coined the phrase dad bod missed a golden opportunity... Should've called it "the Father-figure"
- My wife has been missing for over a week. The police said to be prepared for the worst. So I had to go to Goodwill to get all her clothes back.
- A dad joke my science teacher told me a long time ago: Why are bacteria so bad at math?
Because they multiply by dividing.
RIP Miss Henn. Miss her lots. - Poor Prince Phillip... 99 years old, he just missed out on getting a letter from his wife.
- My dad is obsessed with The Beatles and is missing just one of their songs from his record collection. He needs Help.
Check Me Out Jokes
Here is a list of funny check me out jokes and even better check me out puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old. Until she checked the freezer.
- How do you tell if OP has left the hotel? Username checks out
- Just been challenged to a water fight by next doors brat kids... Popped on here to check messages while the kettle boils.
- Why haven't aliens come to our solar system? They checked our reviews.
One star. - Why do January 6 deniers never last very long in Dungeons & Dragons campaigns? They always fail their Constitution checks.
- When checking out at Walmart I always pick the sexiest cashier... I always end up at self checkout.
- I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens Money for nothing, and the chicks for free
- Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check, but the mirror wasn't working.
- My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were ok.
- I'm really tired of people complaining about the price of everything. $2 for coffee, $3 for coat check, $4 for an hour of parking..... ......I'm just going to stop inviting them to my house.
New Year New Me Jokes
Here is a list of funny new year new me jokes and even better new year new me puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above. It's my new year's resolution.
- My friend claims he can build a gun using his new 3D printer, but I'm not impressed. I've had a Canon printer for years.
- Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
- This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is... to be able to post this in a different sub.
- My friend was bragging his new 3D printer can print a gun. I wasn't impressed, I've had a Canon printer for years!
- My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said wow that's an amazing car. If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year.
- My new year's resolution is to stay out of shape Maybe I won't stick with this one either.
- Have you guys seen the new image from James Webb telescope yet? I heard it looks back in time like 13.7 billion years... ...and it still can't see the last time you got laid.
- I'm going to buy a 6k monitor for 2018 It's my new year's resolution.
- Knock Knock Knock knock
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna happy new year!
Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit :)