mayonnaise Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious mayonnaise puns

Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

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Jesus and the disciples are at the last supper...

Jesus holds up a piece of bread and says, "This is my body."

Then he holds up a cup of wine, saying," This is my blood."

Then he holds up a jar of mayonnaise and Peter says, "Let me stop you right there, Jesus."

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A girl walks in to the dry cleaners

A girl walks in to the dry cleaners and places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress".

The clerk was somewhat preoccupied and didn't quite catch what she said, so he asked "Come again?".

"No. This time it's mayonnaise"

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Three old women are discussing how their memory isn't what it used to be.

The first woman says, "Sometimes, I'm in the elevator, and I don't remember if I'm going up or down."
"The second woman says, "sometimes, I have a bottle of mayonnaise in my hand, and I don't remember if I'm taking it out of the fridge or putting it back."
"The third woman says, "Well, I don't have any of those problems, knock wood," knocking on the table. "Oh, hold on a second, someone's at the door."

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A blonde walks into a drycleaners

and says 'good morning' to the elderly attendant and hands him a blouse. The man didn't hear too well and asked, "Come again"?

The blonde turned red and giggled. "No, just mayonnaise this time."

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A man named Eric Cole...

... discovered that there was a direct correlation between the amount of mayonnaise on his cabbage salad and how good it tastes.
He's calling this correlation Cole's Law.

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Jesus holds up the bread...

Jesus holds up the bread and says, "This is my body."

Next, Jesus hold up the wine and says, "This is my blood."

After that, Jesus holds up the mayonnaise and Peter says, "That's enough!"

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How does Mayonnaise Laugh?

LMAYO


I'm sorry

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The principle difference's between Murphy's law and Cole's law

Murphy's law postulates that whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Cole's law primarily consists of thinly shredded cabbage, carrot and mayonnaise.

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There was a man who claimed that, by putting mayonnaise on any food no matter how bland you could make it better.

They decided to name it after him and call it Cole's Law.

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One day a young boy asks his grandfather, "grandpa what does a vagina look like?"

"Before or after sex?" The grandfather replied.
"Um before" said the boy.
"Like a rose in an early spring morning."
"What about after sex?"
The grandfather paused for a second and thought. "Have you ever seen a bulldog eat mayonnaise?"

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Most people don't know that back in 1912...

Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate ("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning.

It's known, of course, as... Sinko De Mayo.

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Mexico and the TITANIC

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

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Little boy asked his father

'Daddy, what does a vagina look like?'

The father thinks for a moment, then responds, "well son, that depends. before sex, or after sex?"

The little boy has no idea, so confusedly says, "umm.. both i guess."

"Well son, before sex, the vagina is like a fragrant flower. Soft, gentle and full of beauty."

"Ok daddy.. what about after sex?"

"well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

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Who likes little Johnny jokes?

One day little Johnny and his dad are sitting at the breakfast table. Johnny turns to his dad and says, "dad what does a vagina look like?"

His dad thinks about it for a second and then says, "well little Johnny, before sex a vagina looks like a beautiful flower in the middle of a large bushy forest. It's such a beautiful sight to see. It even smells like a flower, it's just so beautiful."

Little Johnny says, "well dad if that's what it looks before sex what does it look like after?"

His dad thinks about it for a second and then says, "well little Johnny... have you ever seen a pitbull eating a jar of mayonnaise?"

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Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayonnaise.

-Cole's Law

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Three old ladies were sitting at the kitchen table........

.....discussing their problems with getting old. One said,
"Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady says: "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one says: " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have those problems. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said:
"That must be the door, I'll get it!"

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I replaced my dad's shaving cream with mayonnaise...

He shouted "what the Hellman!"

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little boy asked his daddy

"What does a vagina look like?"
Dad says," you know what a rose looks like on a warm sunny morning, all velvety and moist. That's what it looks like before sex."
Right on cue the little boy asks," Well what about after sex dad?"
Dad answers," Have you ever seen a pitbull eating mayonnaise?"

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I Am Not Forgetful

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

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A woman walks into a dry cleaners

and says "I've got another dress for you" The man behind the counter, whose a little hard of hearing, replies "come again?" The woman responds with "No this time its mayonnaise"

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Everybody's heard of Murphy's Law: "if something can go wrong, it will go wrong." However, few people know of Cole's Law...

It's thinly sliced cabbage and mayonnaise.

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My friends keep questioning me on my mayonnaise addiction....

I said What the Hellman?

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[OC] Why did the mayonnaise win the running race?

Because the tomato sauce couldn't Ketchup.

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Just dropped my phone in mayonnaise

Fucking Hellman

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What do you call a funny jar of mayonnaise?

Lmayo!

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[NSFW] What does a vagina look like?

A little boy goes up to his father and says "Daddy...what does a vagina look like?" The father, slightly taken aback, kindly replies "Well son, before sex it looks like a closed rose bud."

The son says "Oh that's nice daddy! Well, what about after sex?"

The father thinks for a moment and gently responds "have you ever seen a bulldog eat mayonnaise?"

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A little boy comes home from school....

and tells his father "we learned a new word at school today, Vagina"

"Daddy, they told us what a vagina is but, what does a vagina look like?"

Daddy says "Son, before sex a vagina looks like a rosebud just getting ready to bloom"

little boy asks "what does a vagina look like after sex?"

daddy replies "Well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise.....?"

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What Memories?

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.
The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood!" as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

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A boy asks his father what a pussy looks like

The father replies, "Well son, before sex it looks like the most beautiful delicate flower you've ever laid eyes on!"
"Before sex? What about after?" asks the boy.
The father replies, "Well son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"

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A boy asks his father

A boy asks his father, "Dad, what does a vagina look like?"

The dad asks "Before or after sex, son?"

The boy replies "Both."

So the dad says "Before- it's like a beautiful rose. Just amazing and beautiful, truly something to appreciate..."

So the boy says "And after?"

"Son, have you ever seen a pit bull after it's gotten into a jar of mayonnaise?"

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Laws

-Have you heard of Murphy's law?

-Yes, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

-What about Cole's Law?

-No, what is it?

-Thinly sliced cabbage drizzled with mayonnaise and sour cream

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Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But we all know the tragedy that occurred..

The Mexican people loved mayonnaise so much and this loss was so devastating that they declared a national day of mourning, which happens every year on the day the shipment was supposed to arrive.

This day, of course, is May 5th, or more commonly known as **Sinko de Mayo**

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Enjoy

A son ask his Father "What does a vagina look like"? The dad said "Like a beautiful rose". He continued to say "and after sex, it looks like a bulldog eating mayonnaise".

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What does a prostitute and mayonnaise have in common?

They both spread for bread.

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What are the most funny Mayonnaise jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Mayonnaise? Well, here are the best Mayonnaise dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Mayonnaise pick up lines to share with friends.

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