May Month Jokes

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.
So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it.
I’m scared.
I think I’m going crazy.
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.
Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.
"Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV."
"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the c**... landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"
Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"

An Irish boys confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose Woman."
The Priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is. "
"And, who was the woman you were with," asked the Priest. "
"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed. "
"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The Priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast Lad, Timmy ...And, I admire that. But, you have sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend Church Mass for three months. Be off with you now. "
Timmy walks back to his pew. His Friend, Sean, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

Three men die, and go to the pearly gates...

St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: "You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."
The man says: "I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The second man says:"I was married for five years, and I slept with a different woman as a lover each year. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a motorcycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The third man says: "I was married for a month, and stayed faithful throughout. Then my wife died, so I committed s**... so I may be with her."
St. Peter tells him: "I know. Follow me." He then leads him to a helicopter, and tells him to enjoy the ride. The man soon enough passes the other two men, who see him land a short distance away. They eventually catch up to him, and see he is crying.
The first two men ask him: "Why are you crying? You have no sins to atone for!"
The third says: "I just saw my wife... She was skateboarding."

Jewish sense of humor

Abe and Esther Goldberg were flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we are going to attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and we will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later, Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the c**... landing, then asks,
"Esther, did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?"
"Oy no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month?," he asks.
"God forgive me, Abie," begged Esther, "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest hug and kiss ever in their 40 long years of marriage.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why do you kiss me?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

Three women and ducks

Three women die in a car accident and go to heaven when they are at the gate god tells them that there is only one rule and that is that you may not step on a duck. They women enter and do their best to enjoy heaven while being cautious about where they step for there are ducks everywhere. After about a week one of the three women steps on a duck and suddenly this old, smelly, repulsive and hairy man is chained to her for life. This only makes the other women more careful and another month passes by when a second of the three women steps on a duck. Then chained to her is a man more repulsive then the first. The third woman becomes ever so cautious and make it a whole year without treading upon a duck. Chained to her is a handsom, muscular and wonderful gentleman. She says to him "What happened to you?" he replies " I stepped on a duck..."

Dinner with the parents

A young man began to go steady with a girl who he had been dating for several months. She decided it was time for him to meet her parents and invited him over for dinner that night. Deciding that he may get a chance to get lucky that night, he stopped at the pharmacy to pick up condoms before he went to his girlfriend's house. He got there, sat down for dinner, and everyone bowed their heads in prayer. One minute passed and everyone except the young man began to eat, as the young man kept his head bowed. Five minutes passed, and he still kept his head down. After ten minutes, the girl whispered to the guy, "I didn't know you were so religious." The young man whispered back, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist."

Joey the altar boy goes to confession and says...

‎'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

Old Man Keeps the Engine Running

A rich 65 year old white man get's himself a gorgeous 23 year old woman. The couple was happy and were planning to start a family.
After a few months as a married couple, the old man gets his wife pregnant. While at the hospital getting ready to deliver the baby:
* **Nurse**: Wow sir, its amazing how you still managed to get you wife pregnant at your age, whats your seceret?
* **Old Man**: Oh you know, you have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, that is amazing.
After the delivering their baby, 5 years later the Old man gets his wife pregnant again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:
* **Nurse**: Sir, you did it again, this is amazing, what is your secret?
* **Old Man**: Same as last time, you just have to keep the engine running.
* **Nurse**: Wow, sir. You are a trooper.
The couple had 2 beautiful children and were happy, but 5 years later the man got his wife pregnant yet again. While at the hospital delivering the baby the same nurse asks:
* **Nurse**: "Sir this is truly incredible, you are 75 years old and you got your wife pregnant again, what is your secret?"
* **Old Man**: "Like I told you before! you have to keep the engine running!"
* **Nurse**: "Well sir, it may be time for you to change the oil because this one came out black."

Obstetrician career change

An Obstetrician decides that he's sick of his job and opts to become a car mechanic. For the next several months he attends night classes at his local technical college to gain his certification. A few months before the end of the curriculum, the entire class is informed that there will be a final individual exam that will constitute the majority of their grade and determine their certification status.
The day of the exam arrives and the obstetrician walks into the examination room to find three instructors and a car waiting for him. His task is to disassemble the engine, then reassemble it in the given time limit. The obstetrician does his best, though fears that he may have made a few mistakes.
A few weeks later he gets his results back and discovers he was awarded 150 points out of 100 on the test! He immediately rushes to his professor's office and asks about his score. The professor gives him a long look, then says,
"Well, the first 50 points you received were for correctly disassembling the engine, the next 50 points were for reassembling it, and we gave you 50 points of extra credit for doing it all through the muffler."

Heard this one 20 years ago in India

At Sunday mass in a small coastal town, the preacher decides to address the increasing promiscuity of the locals. People were beginning to have more and more pre-marital s**..., more children were being born out of wedlock and the number of teenage mothers was on the rise. The fact that it was a tourist spot also meant that one-night flings with visitors was now commonplace.
"In Corinthians 6:18-20 the lord says Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body."
Continuing in the same vein, he hopes that he is shaming the audience into repentance so that they may amend their ways. As a grand flourish, he ends with, "Now let those among you who have saved themselves for the Lord stand up, so we may gaze upon thee and admire thee."
No one stands up, and all avert their gaze and look at their shoes.
Then, a young mother with a five month old-baby girl stands up at the back.
Everyone is taken aback and the preacher is flustered. "Did you not understand my instruction? Only those who have not had s**... congress may stand!"
"Well, father", the young mother replies, "you can hardly expect this baby to stand up by herself, now, can you?"

What doctors really thinking?

- This should be taken care of right away.

I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
- Welllllll, what have we here…?

He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
- Let me check your medical history.

I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
- We have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
- Let me schedule you for some tests.

I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
- I'd like to have my associate look at you.

He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
- I'd like to prescribe a new drug.

I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
- This may hurt a little.

Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
- This should fix you up.

The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
- I'd like to run some more tests.

I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
- There is a lot of that going around.

My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

An Italian Boy's Confession:

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'

An altar boy enters the box to confess...

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.' Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's holiday and five excellent Leads.'

Coma

A woman was in a coma for months.. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little o**... s**... will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. "What happened?!"
The man said, "I have think she may have choked"

The Captains Wife

The crew of a US navy battle ship was back home after many months of being out to sea. To celebrate, the captain of the ship organized a formal ball and the entire crew was there in thier unforms. The big band was playing and the sailors were hitting the bar and drinking hard as they admired the Captains beautiful wife sitting at the head table with the captain himself.
One of the drunken sailors spoke up, "Im gonna ask the capins wife ta dance wit me!" The other sailors just laughed at him as he swaggered on down to the captains table. Sailor says, "Hey Capin, may I dansh wit your wife?" The captain, having been drinking himself, nodded the OK.
Stunned, the other sailors watched as their lowly shipmate and the captains wife engaged in a slow dance. The sailor having been out to sea for several months was very happy to be dancing with this beautiful woman.
After a few minutes of dancing the captains wife speaks up and says, "My, but you smell very nice. What do you have on?" The sailor speaks into her ear and says, " I have a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

A kid goes to church to confess...

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

A police officer pulls over a car

A police officer follows a car for many miles, and surprisingly for him, the driving is just perfect. The driver obeys all traffic signs, blinks when necessary, does not speed. The police officer is surprised and pulls over the car. In the car there is a family - a guy driving, his wife in the passenger seat and his mother-in-law sleeping in the back seat.
The guy rolls down the window "Is there a problem officer?"
"Hello, Sir. I see that your driving is perfect and pulled you over to thank you. May I inform you that you won this months $ 5000 safest driver award. Here is the check. What do you want to do with this money?"
The guy: "Wow thanks man, I am going to buy me a driving license"
Guys wife: "Don't listen to him officer, he always acts s**... when he's drunk and s**..."
The mother-in-law wakes up and sees the police officer "Jack, I told you we wouldn't get far in a stolen car"
Suddenly, the trunk pops and the father-in-law appears "Are we over the border yet?"

The Pig.

A man was walking in the country and saw a pig with a wooden leg sitting outside a barn. As he was pondering this, the pig's owner came along. The man asked the farmer how the pig got his wooden leg.
The farmer said, "Let me tell you, that is some pig! Our house caught fire last May, and he dragged my kids to safety!"
"Is that how he lost his leg?" the man asked.
"No," replied the farmer. "But a month ago, I almost drowned and that pig swam through icy water to pull me to shore!"
"So that's how he lost his leg," the man asked.
"Oh, no. And just a week ago, my wife's car slid off the road onto the train tracks. That pig broke through the window and helped her out just as a freight train came through!"
"So THAT'S how he lost his leg!" the man said.
"No, sir." "Then HOW did he lose it?" the man begged.
"Well sir," the farmer replied, "when you got a pig that terrific, you don't want to eat it all at once."

The Priest and the Altar Boy

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.' The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?' 'Yes, Father, it is.' 'And who was the girl you were with?' 'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.' "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" 'I cannot say.' 'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?' 'I'll never tell.' 'Was it Nina Capelli?' 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' 'Was it Cathy Piriano?' 'My lips are sealed Father.' 'Well then, was it Rosa DiAngelo?' 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?' 'Four month's vacation and five excellent Leads.'

A man hears the phone ringing...

A man hears the phone ringing while he is in his sports team change room, he picks it up.
"Hey honey, I saw a really nice dress for $1000, can I buy it? It looks really nice" said the voice.
"Sure, go ahead if you like it so much" the man says.
"Thanks, and also the car we looked at last week for $89,000, no one else is buying it, can I buy it? It's really fuel efficient" the voice replies"
"You can buy that too" the man replies again.
"Thank you, just one last thing, the house we looked at last month has dropped from $1.5 million to $1.4, I'm sure it'll be fine, can I buy that too?" the voice responds.
"You may buy the house" the man says.
"Thank you so much honey" the voice says then hangs up.
Astonished the mans teammates are looking at the man, eyes wide and mouth open. The man looks at them holding the phone out and asks "Does anyone know who's phone this is?"

A priest and a man are sitting on a bench.

Man : forgive me father, for i have sinned.
Priest : What have you done my son?
M : Everytime it rains i r**... someone. A month ago it was raining and i r**... my aunt.
P : may god forgive you my son.
M : a week ago it was raining again and i r**... my neighbour.
P : may god forgive you my son.
M : just yesterday i r**... my daughter.
*The priest runs into the church and locks the door.*
M : father, what are you doing?
P : It's starting to rain.