may Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious may puns

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

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As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

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After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.

She said, You may not feel anything from the waist down.

Fair enough, I replied, and felt her breasts.

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The larger the feet, the larger the penis. The larger the vehicle, the smaller the penis.

Maybe that's why everyone is so scared of clowns.

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Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other…

…the NSA will finally read it.

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The UK Prime Minister just announced her resignation.

This is not surprising. It is the end of May, after all.

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Prison may be just one word

But to others, it's a whole sentence


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My penis may not be 12 inches

....but it smells like a foot.

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My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they'll marry each other.

Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

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One day when I was young......

I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.

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[NSFW] A highschool is having a talent show.

The first act is a girl trying to tie a knot with a cherry stem in her mouth. She tries and tries, but she just cant do it.

A guy from the audience yells out, "Hey, maybe you should practice with my dick!" Most of the audience laughs.

The girl requests a microphone and a nearby teacher obliges. The girl says into the microphone, "I think I should get good with the cherry stem before I try anything smaller."

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The doctor said my voice box is damaged and I may never speak again.

I can't tell you how upset I am.

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Murphy's Law states that anything that can happen, will happen. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?

It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.

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My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm stalking her or following her. She's worried that I may be obsessed with her and anytime she hears a noise in her house she is... purified. Wait, hold on: "petrified". Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

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Why are women and children always the first ones to get evacuated on a emergency situation ?

So men may think on a solution in silence

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I won't control what you do on the internet

but Theresa May

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A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

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Donald Trump goes to a fortune teller and asks "When am I going to die?"

The fortune teller replies: "you will die on a major Mexican holiday."

Trump asks: "Which Mexican holiday? Cinco de Mayo? Dia de los muertos?"

The fortune teller replies: "ANY day you die, Donald, will be a major Mexican holiday!"

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A racist, a womanizer, and a rapist walked into a bar...

...the bartender says "how may I help you, Mr. President?"

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Comey: He's guilty

Democrats: He's guilty

Trump: I'm guilty

Republicans: We may never get to the bottom of this

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My son got kicked out of school for letting a girl in his class jerk him off...

I said son that's 4 schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you

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Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest


Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes

Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes


Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic

Until Bush did 9:11

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I asked my boss, Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?

He said, It's May.

Sorry. , I replied, May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?

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If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May Flowers bring?

Genocide

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My girlfriend begged me to stop singing Wonderwall...

I said maybe.

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A little girl walks into a pet shop

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper bends down to her level, smiling, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl leans forward and whispers, "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said,"Son that's three schools this year.

Maybe teaching isn't for you."

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My son got thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class jack him off...

I said "Son, That's three schools this year...maybe teaching is not for you"

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Say what you want about Floyd Mayweather

He can't read it anyway

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Jesus may have walked on water...

But Stephen Hawking can run on batteries

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You know why Mayweather won't beat Pacquiao?

Pacquiao isn't his wife.

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How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?

You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ableist scum. Anyone who disagrees with this is a burnt-out-bulbophobe and a darknessphobe. Thanks for being so understanding.

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My son was thrown out of school for the third time this year for letting a girl in his class jerk him off

Im starting to think that maybe teaching isn't for him.

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Funniest thing my gf has ever said

We were at a a red light and i noticed a woman in the car behind me making a lot of arm and hand motions. No one was in the car with her (probably on bluetooth).

Me: Hey babe look at this woman behind us. What is she doing? She's just flailing her arms around but there isn't any one with her.

GF: Maybe she's deaf and she's singing to herself.

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A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

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What are the most funny May jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about May? Well, here are the best May dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and May pick up lines to share with friends.

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