mature Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious mature puns

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect..

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.


What is the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond?

The savings bond will eventually mature and earn money.


I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words and she said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect...

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...


How can you tell if you have a mature or an immature sense of humor?



Some young women are like bottles of wine

They need to be tended to carefully and given time to mature, which is why I keep a few in my cellar.


A kid threw a chunk of cheddar at me today

I didn't think that was very mature.

Fortunately, it wasn't sharp.


My girlfriend just asked how mature I was on a scale of 1 to 100..

..apparently 69 was not the correct answer.


How does cheese get more mature?



Best joke I have heard in a few months... let's see if I can do it justice!

A guy enters a Halloween party just in his pants.

Guy 1: what are you dressed as?
Guy 2: I came as pre mature ejaculation!
Guy 1: okay? Why don't you have a shirt or shoes?
Guy 2: well, I just came in my pants!


I like my women like I like my wine...

...locked in a dark basement for several years until they are mature enough to enjoy.


Having a threesome with a mom and daughter

So it was Saturday night and I had no date and decided to drop in at the bar to get drunk and hopefully a girl to get laid with. As I started downing a few shots I noticed this hot looking mature lady ( must be in her 50s) sitting all alone at a corner table getting drunk and this thought came to mind that if she looks so hot for her age then she must be having a hot looking daughter as well and wish I could have a threesome with them. So I went to her table and asked her if I could join and to my delight she said yes. I chatted her up and next thing I know we caught a taxi and proceeded to her home. In the taxi I told her about my fantasy of having a threesome with a mother daughter combo and to my delight she felt it was a great idea and so we reached her home and as we entered she let out a shout,"Mom you still awake?"


My husband cheated

I caught my husband cheating. I'm not going to lie, I didn't handle it in the most mature way possible. I threw an iron at him and took quite a bit of money from him.

Then later we had a heart to heart and decided never to play Monopoly again. Lesson learned.


The 5 types of sex

Haven't seen this one so apologies if you have.

In life there are 5 types of sex:

1. Smurf sex: During the initial phase when you both have sex until you're blue
2. Kitchen Sex: Starting around the honeymoon period this is when yu have sex everywhere including the kitchen
3. Bedroom sex: More mature, you've been together a while, maybe even have kids, here sex stays in the bedroom
4. Hallway sex: Later you barely stand each other now the only sex you get is passing each other in the hallway say to the other "Go fuck yourself"
5. Courtroom sex: Divorce came and now your wife is suing you for everything you've got and you get fucked in front of the whole world.


What Austrian girls and wine have in common?

Both mature in a cellar.


Two guys go on a Moose Hunt

They are out in the woods on the first day of the hunt and see a big mature bull moose, after attempting some moose calls for what seemed like forever they eventually went back to camp feeling a little down. So the next day they go back out and try to find this bull moose. After walking around the woods all day they finally found the big mature bull moose it was chasing a cow moose. So the first guy says hey I have an idea, follow me back to camp. They get back to camp and the guy says lets dress up in a cow moose costume and then when the big ole bull moose comes up well pop out and shoot him. So they get in the costume and are walking through a meadow when all of the sudden they see the big mature bull moose walking straight at them. It must weigh 3000 pounds with a 8 foot wide rack and a swinging dick about the size of a Louisville Slugger. The guy in the back of the costume tries to pop out and shoot him, but the zipper was stuck so he says hey buddy what should I do? The guy in the front of the costume said well I am gonna nibble some flowers but you better bite your lip because it looks like he's going in dry.


A teacher is teaching vocabulary...

...and asks the children to use the word "urinate" in a sentence.

Little Suzy stands up first and proudly says, "When I was little, I used to say peepee, but now I say urinate."

"Very good," says the teacher. "You are very mature. Anyone else?"

Fat Carl stands up confidently and says, "Bear Grylls taught me to urinate in a dead snake's skin and put it around my neck to keep cool."

"Um, ok. That's a little strange, but you still used the word correctly. Good job. Anyone else?"

Dirty Johnny stands up, looks the teacher up and down, and says, "Ms. Jones, urinate, but if you had any tits you'd be a 10."


I say two kids fighting the other day, and as a mature and responsible adult, I had to step in.

They didn't stand a chance.


On a scale from one to one hundred, how mature are you?



I was walking home today...

...and a group of boys in a car drove past me and threw something out the window that just narrowly missed my head, I look down to find a block of cheese on the ground, and I just thought to myself... That's not very mature.


'Sex' and 'Love' ....;)

At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

The woman wrote:
When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and they respect each other very much, just like my hubby and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical sex with one another.

The Husband wrote: I Love Sex.


Girls mature faster than guys.

Guys usually don't even develop breasts until they're in their mid forties.


Woman's Quote of the Day - "Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Man's Counter-Quote of the Day - "Women are like a fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a fucking headache."


So I was driving down the road one day, and somebody threw a lump of cheese at me...

and I thought to myself, that's not very mature...


I was walking down the street one day..

and a man threw a bit of cheese at my head, i turned to him and said; 'oh, real mature mate'.


On a scale of 1 to 100, how mature do you think you are?



Cheese & Milk

Just as I was getting home last night a guy hit me with a block of cheese.

I thought that wasn't very mature.

He then ran over and pour milk all over my head.

I thought HOW DAIRY!!!


You know you can fit 63 Earths in Uranus.

I don't think I'll ever be mature enough to not laugh at that.


What is the difference between a guitar player and government bonds?

Government bonds mature over time and earn money


What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?

Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.


Why is 18 year old Scotch better than a 18 year old girl?

An 18 y.o. Scotch is less expensive, and you don't have to remember it's birthday. An 18 y.o.Scotch does not care if you try another Scotch. An 18 y.o. Scotch is mature, well mannered and good alone or shared. An 18 y.o. Scotch won't make you look like a child molester. And most impotantly, a 18 y.o. Scotch doesn't try to talk to you.


I like my women the same way I like my cheese



a joke about meeting your ex's current lover

So a guy gets a job at a new company, and he has to undergo a physical with the company doctor. But there's just one catch, the Doctor is his ex girlfriend's current fiance. It's super awkward but they both try to be mature about it.

The physical goes ok and the guy doesn't have any problems, but then the doc says "we're almost done, there's just one more test i have to run, please drop you're trousers..." the guy thinks "Ok, just a typical hernia check" but the doc grabs his penis, pulls out a tape measure and starts measuring the guys penis...

The guy is like " hey doc, what kind of test is this?" the doctor says bluntly "it's an eye exam." the guy is confused "an eye exam?" the doctor says "yeah, that bitch is blind if she thinks your cock is bigger than mine..."


What's the difference between a drummer and publicly traded stock?

Publicly traded stock will mature and make money.


A guy drove past me in his car and threw a lump of cheddar at me.

I thought to myself "That's mature!"


Bread is not emotionally mature enough to have threesomes

When you spread your nuts all over one slice, the other gets jelly.


What are the most funny Mature jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Mature? Well, here are the best Mature dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Mature pick up lines to share with friends.

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