Mattress Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Your mom is so fat

Her memory foam mattress drinks to forget.

I just got a repressed memory foam mattress.

It holds me just like my uncle used to.

I can't decide if I should get a new mattress or not.

I should probably sleep on it.

Just got a repressed memory foam mattress,

it holds me just like my gym teacher did

Great pickup line...

You:Hey, do you have a Memory foam mattress?

Her: Yes.

You: Wanna Traumatize it?

I -a dad- just subjected my daughter, 21, to my clever wit

She wasn't sure whether or not to take a foam mattress with her to her summer camp job.

"Sleep on it," I said.

Update: It's the mattress -not the joke- that's dirty. We use it for camping a lot and it is actually quite disgusting. The joke? Clean as a whistle. Sorry for the confusion.

What do you call a Japanese deep fried mattress?

A Tempura-Pedic

Your momma's so fat

she gave her memory foam mattress brain damage....

Three homeless guys at a shelter..

Due to a shortage of beds to lay in at a homeless shelter, three men were set to be laying together in a California King sized mattress. That night, the three go to bed.

They wake up the next morning to the alarm clock going off, waking the three up.

The man on the left says "Hmm, I had the oddest dream. I had a dream that I was being given a handjob."

The man on the right says "Yeah. Me, too."

The man in the center says "Hmm, that's weird. I dreamed I was skiing."

Yo mama's so fat

She gave her memory foam mattress brain damage

Why is King Joffrey like a mattress?

Two twins make a King.

What's the difference between a mattress and a highway?

A baby will cry for hours if you throw it on a mattress but it stops crying pretty quickly if you throw it on a highway.

Nun takes a vow of silence

A woman joins a convent that requires a vow of silence, allowing members only two word a decade.

Ten years go by and the woman tells the head nun, "Room cold." They give her a heater and she goes back to her prayers.

Ten more years go by and she says, "Bed hard." They give her a new mattress and she goes back to her prayers.

Ten more years go by and the woman says, "I quit." The head nun says, "Fine by me. All you've done since you got here is complain."

Me: How long have we had that mattress?

Wife: No idea

Memory foam mattress: Two years, five months and two days

I bought a new mattress and reached for the stupid label to tear it off. But I saw the federal warning, and couldn't decide if I should leave it or get rid of it.

I decided to sleep on it.

I'd like to buy a bed, please. Certainly, madam. Spring mattress?

Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.

I'm not saying me and my partner are freaky in bed......

....But our memory foam mattress has PTSD.

My wife wanted a new mattress...

I said I'd have to sleep on it.

Mattress and Panties

Ahmed was a family man who worked very hard to take care of his family. Eventually he fell on hard times and decided to try his luck in London leaving back his family.

He toiled hard and eventually made some money. One day he decided to write a letter to his wife:

"Dear Wife, I am sorry that you and others have to endure my absence. I made £10,000 selling 100 mattresses and 1000 panties. Very soon I'll come back and we will live the life we always dreamed of."

The letter gets to Ahmed's father first and his father wrote back:

"Dear Son, Come back now. Your wife has made £100,000 with a single mattress and no panties."

Everything about buying a new mattress has gotten me so stressed out.

I figured I'd sleep on it.

"So sir, have you decided whether or not you'd like to buy this mattress?"

"I'll sleep on it"

My friend was ashamed of impulse buying a $1000 mattress

I asked him to sleep on it

A liquor salesman, a food salesman and a mattress salesman were sitting in hotel lobby chatting

The liquor salesman spoke first,"Y'know, I hate to see a woman drink alone."
The food salesman countered with,"I hate to see a woman eat alone."
The mattress salesman said,"Say, what do you fellows think of the cold weather we've been having?"

I couldn't decide whether or not to buy this new king sized mattress

I'm going to sleep on it.

What do you call a fat man trying out a new tempurpedic mattress?

The great depression

I had a horrible night last night

My blow up doll ran off with my air mattress

Yo mama so fat...

Yo mama so fat her memory-foam mattress forgot!

Did you guys hear about Freddie Mercury's bedroom furniture store?

Nothing Really Mattress. They only sell queen size.

I was unsure which mattress I should buy and the salesman told me to sleep on it.

Apparently there was a misunderstanding.

What has a bottom on its top?

A gay guy's mattress.

My memory foam mattress broke yesterday...

It has amnesia

Do you know why German Wehrmacht girls are in Holland?

As a mattress for the soldiers!

Why did the Sultan leave his job at Mattress City?

He was already a manager at Ottoman Empire

Definition: Mistress

It's what goes between the mister and the mattress.

So, I ate a memory foam mattress again

I had forgotten how much better they taste than traditional mattresses.

Why did the hitman buy an inflatable mattress?

His boss told him to lilo for a while.

I'm going to put wheels on a mattress

it shall be called the tempur-speedic

Who counts more sheep than mattress companies?

Apple Inc.

It's find it a tough decision to buy the right mattress...

I guess I'll have to sleep on it.

My daughter bought a new mattress for when she goes off to school, but was undecided about whether to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

A pickup line for people named Matt.

"Hey girl, you should sleep with me, my name's short for mattress." (Just made it up today, please don't hate me.)

How can you tell an elephant is on its period?

There's a quarter on your night stand and your mattress pad is missing.

I asked my wife...

If she wanted to do something illegal and it involves beds tonight. I can't wait to see her face light up when she finds out we're ripping all the mattress tags off this evening.

Do you know why a queen sized mattress is called a "queen"?

You do if you're married.

There is an openly gay homeless man in my neighborhood.

I didn't have much but I wanted to offer him a place to stay so I let him stay on a mattress in my walk-in closet. Now he is no longer homeless and no longer out of the closet.

Two brothers started a mattress company

They called it the Bed Shop Boys

If you throw a party how do you know Mrs. Elephant is in her period?

Your mattress is missing and, theirs a quarter on the dresser.

Does someone who sleeps on the ground because they like a hard mattress...

prefer to sleep on Terra Firma?

What are the funniest mattress jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Mattress? Well, here are the best Mattress puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Mattress pick up lines to share with friends.

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