The Best 49 Mattress Jokes

Following is our collection of Mattress jokes which are very funny. There are some mattress ptsd jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these mattress jordans puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Me: How long have we had that mattress?

Wife: No idea

Memory foam mattress: Two years, five months and two days

Definition: Mistress

It's what goes between the mister and the mattress.

So, I ate a memory foam mattress again

I had forgotten how much better they taste than traditional mattresses.

Mattress joke, So, I ate a memory foam mattress again

I can't decide if I should get a new mattress or not.

I should probably sleep on it.

My wife wanted a new mattress...

I said I'd have to sleep on it.


Nun takes a vow of silence

A woman joins a convent that requires a vow of silence, allowing members only two word a decade.

Ten years go by and the woman tells the head nun, "Room cold." They give her a heater and she goes back to her prayers.

Ten more years go by and she says, "Bed hard." They give her a new mattress and she goes back to her prayers.

Ten more years go by and the woman says, "I quit." The head nun says, "Fine by me. All you've done since you got here is complain."

My daughter bought a new mattress for when she goes off to school, but was undecided about whether to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

Mattress joke, My daughter bought a new mattress for when she goes off to school, but was undecided about whether t

A pickup line for people named Matt.

"Hey girl, you should sleep with me, my name's short for mattress." (Just made it up today, please don't hate me.)

What do you call a fat man trying out a new tempurpedic mattress?

The great depression

Great pickup line...

You:Hey, do you have a Memory foam mattress?

Her: Yes.

You: Wanna Traumatize it?

"So sir, have you decided whether or not you'd like to buy this mattress?"

"I'll sleep on it"

Top Mattress Puns and Funny Jokes

You can explore mattress mattresses reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean mattress sleep dad jokes. There are also mattress puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I couldn't decide whether or not to buy this new king sized mattress

I'm going to sleep on it.

It's find it a tough decision to buy the right mattress...

I guess I'll have to sleep on it.

How can you tell an elephant is on its period?

There's a quarter on your night stand and your mattress pad is missing.

Why is King Joffrey like a mattress?

Two twins make a King.

Did you guys hear about Freddie Mercury's bedroom furniture store?

Nothing Really Mattress. They only sell queen size.

Mattress joke, Did you guys hear about Freddie Mercury's bedroom furniture store?

I had a horrible night last night

My blow up doll ran off with my air mattress

My friend was ashamed of impulse buying a $1000 mattress

I asked him to sleep on it

Why did the Sultan leave his job at Mattress City?

He was already a manager at Ottoman Empire


Who counts more sheep than mattress companies?

Apple Inc.

What's the difference between a mattress and a highway?

A baby will cry for hours if you throw it on a mattress but it stops crying pretty quickly if you throw it on a highway.

I just got a repressed memory foam mattress.

It holds me just like my uncle used to.

I bought a new mattress and reached for the stupid label to tear it off. But I saw the federal warning, and couldn't decide if I should leave it or get rid of it.

I decided to sleep on it.

I'd like to buy a bed, please. Certainly, madam. Spring mattress?

Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.

Everything about buying a new mattress has gotten me so stressed out.

I figured I'd sleep on it.

Just got a repressed memory foam mattress,

it holds me just like my gym teacher did

I asked my wife...

If she wanted to do something illegal and it involves beds tonight. I can't wait to see her face light up when she finds out we're ripping all the mattress tags off this evening.

Do you know why a queen sized mattress is called a "queen"?

You do if you're married.

What has a bottom on its top?

A gay guy's mattress.

A liquor salesman, a food salesman and a mattress salesman were sitting in hotel lobby chatting

The liquor salesman spoke first,"Y'know, I hate to see a woman drink alone."
The food salesman countered with,"I hate to see a woman eat alone."
The mattress salesman said,"Say, what do you fellows think of the cold weather we've been having?"

My memory foam mattress broke yesterday...

It has amnesia

What do you call a Japanese deep fried mattress?

A Tempura-Pedic

Do you know why German Wehrmacht girls are in Holland?

As a mattress for the soldiers!

Your mom is so fat

Her memory foam mattress drinks to forget.

Why did the hitman buy an inflatable mattress?

His boss told him to lilo for a while.

My daughter asked me if she should take her mattress with her to university, or buy one there.

I told her she should sleep on it.

I'm going to put wheels on a mattress

it shall be called the tempur-speedic

I'm not saying me and my partner are freaky in bed......

....But our memory foam mattress has PTSD.

I was unsure which mattress I should buy and the salesman told me to sleep on it.

Apparently there was a misunderstanding.

Your momma's so fat

she gave her memory foam mattress brain damage....

There is an openly gay homeless man in my neighborhood.

I didn't have much but I wanted to offer him a place to stay so I let him stay on a mattress in my walk-in closet. Now he is no longer homeless and no longer out of the closet.

Yo mama so fat...

Yo mama so fat her memory-foam mattress forgot!

What mattresses do Lannisters use ?

They push two twins together to make a king.

The Orientation for my new job at the Mattress Store was today.

The Manager handed me a King-sized Blanket and said, "Well, I think that covers just about everything here."

Your ass is so fat...

That your memory foam mattress wishes it can forget your ass.

Yo Momma is so fat

...her memory foam mattress got alzheimer's.

What did Hitler name his mattress?

Mein Kampfy

I'm not saying my ex is fat...

But my memory foam mattress took a year to forget her.

Welcome to Lannister family mattress store!

Where we push two twins together to make a king.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the mattress sofa jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working mattress couch piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes