Mattress Jokes
86 mattress jokes and hilarious mattress puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mattress that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Mattress Short Jokes
Short mattress jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mattress humour may include short pillow jokes also.
- Great pickup line... You:Hey, do you have a Memory foam mattress?
Her: Yes.
You: Wanna Traumatize it? - Welcome to Lannister family mattress store! Where we push two twins together to make a king.
- I want to be a rock climber, but I'm taking mattress making classes just to be safe. It's…something to fall back on.
- What's the difference between a mattress and a highway? A baby will cry for hours if you throw it on a mattress but it stops crying pretty quickly if you throw it on a highway.
- Me: How long have we had that mattress? Wife: No idea
Memory foam mattress: Two years, five months and two days - I'm not saying me and my partner are freaky in bed...... ....But our memory foam mattress has PTSD.
- I'd like to buy a bed, please. Certainly, madam. Spring mattress? Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.
- I bought two mattresses the other day I really only needed one, but when I went to buy it, I saw that it was a twin, and I didn't want to separate them.
- I don't understand why mattresses aren't talked about more Seems like people are really sleeping on them
- My wife is coming back from holiday tomorrow... Does anyone know how to delete the memory, from my memory foam mattress?
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Mattress One Liners
Which mattress one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mattress? I can suggest the ones about beds and bed sheets.
- I just got a repressed memory foam mattress. It holds me just like my uncle used to.
- I can't decide if I should get a new mattress or not. I should probably sleep on it.
- What do you call a Japanese deep fried mattress? A Tempura-Pedic
- I'm not saying my ex is fat... But my memory foam mattress took a year to forget her.
- What is a mattress' favorite season? Spring.
- Why is King Joffrey like a mattress? Two twins make a King.
- Why are ISIS inflatable mattresses the best? They blow themselves up.
- What do you call a bed that gets passed down through generations? An heir mattress
- What mattresses do Lannisters use ? They push two twins together to make a king.
- My wife wanted a new mattress... I said I'd have to sleep on it.
- What do most people look forward to but most mattresses fear? Spring Break
- I hit a mattress on the highway The owner pulled over and said Sorry, it was my bed.
- My friend was ashamed of impulse buying a $1000 mattress I asked him to sleep on it
- What do you call a fat man trying out a new tempurpedic mattress? The great depression
- I had a horrible night last night My blow up doll ran off with my air mattress
Charming Humor Mattress Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about mattress you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean memory foam jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mattress pranks.
Chuck Norris removes the tag from mattresses, and mails them back to the company.
Wanna get together and test the spring potential of my mattress?
Definition: Mistress
It's what goes between the mister and the mattress.
So, I ate a memory foam mattress again
I had forgotten how much better they taste than traditional mattresses.
So I went to the mattress store and tried laying on one of the Temper-Pedic mattresses.
I was impressed.
My daughter bought a new mattress for when she goes off to school, but was undecided about whether to keep it.
I told her to sleep on it.
A pickup line for people named Matt.
"Hey girl, you should sleep with me, my name's short for mattress." (Just made it up today, please don't hate me.)
There is so much dust on that drawer that if you sneeze on it
mattress will fall out.
Why isn't my mattress working right now?
Spring break.
"So sir, have you decided whether or not you'd like to buy this mattress?"
"I'll sleep on it"
Does someone who sleeps on the ground because they like a hard mattress...
prefer to sleep on Terra Firma?
I couldn't decide whether or not to buy this new king sized mattress
I'm going to sleep on it.
It's find it a tough decision to buy the right mattress...
I guess I'll have to sleep on it.
How can you tell an elephant is on its period?
There's a quarter on your night stand and your mattress pad is missing.
Did you guys hear about Freddie Mercury's bedroom furniture store?
Nothing Really Mattress. They only sell queen size.
What did the customer say his reason for returning his mattress was?
"You gave me a bunk bed"
What do Tempurpedic mattresses and raptors have in common?
"They remember"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
One more for the road. Abu Al Abid went to USA for the first time,
He opened a furniture shop & a l**... shop.
In 6 months....
he made a good business.
.
He sends an email to his wife saying:
Please rush, pack up & come to USA,
I sold 100 mattresses and 5000 p**....
I made $100,000.
She replies:
It is better that you close your shop and come back fast.
With 1 mattress & with no p**...
I made $300,000.. ...
Why did the Sultan leave his job at Mattress City?
He was already a manager at Ottoman Empire
Who counts more sheep than mattress companies?
Apple Inc.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I bought a new mattress and reached for the s**... label to tear it off. But I saw the federal warning, and couldn't decide if I should leave it or get rid of it.
I decided to sleep on it.
You're mother is so heavy
When she sleeps on a memory foam mattress,
It forgets.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Business is going well
A man left his home country of India to go to America in hopes of making money to support his family. He opened a furniture and l**... business and in just 3 months he had made 80,000 dollars.
So he he wrote to his wife saying 'Honey I want you and the kids to come to America, I sold 1500 mattresses and 900 p**... and business is going well!'
The wife wrote back saying 'You should come back to India, with just 1 mattress and no p**... Ive made 500,000 dollars!'
Everything about buying a new mattress has gotten me so stressed out.
I figured I'd sleep on it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my wife...
If she wanted to do something i**... and it involves beds tonight. I can't wait to see her face light up when she finds out we're ripping all the mattress tags off this evening.
Do you know why a queen sized mattress is called a "queen"?
You do if you're married.
What has a bottom on its top?
A gay guy's mattress.
A liquor salesman, a food salesman and a mattress salesman were sitting in hotel lobby chatting
The liquor salesman spoke first,"Y'know, I hate to see a woman drink alone."
The food salesman countered with,"I hate to see a woman eat alone."
The mattress salesman said,"Say, what do you fellows think of the cold weather we've been having?"
Bought one of those fancy memory-gel mattresses
Doesn't work because it turns out nothing has happened in my bed that's worth remembering
My memory foam mattress broke yesterday...
It has amnesia
Do you know why German Wehrmacht girls are in Holland?
As a mattress for the soldiers!
Two brothers started a mattress company
They called it the Bed Shop Boys
Why did the hitman buy an inflatable mattress?
His boss told him to lilo for a while.
What do you call overtime at a mattress store?
Bed time and a half.
I'm going to put wheels on a mattress
it shall be called the tempur-speedic
I was unsure which mattress I should buy and the salesman told me to sleep on it.
Apparently there was a misunderstanding.
While discussing different things people use to get high: Brother: How do you get high on mattresses?
Dad: You stack them up.
I'm thinking about buying a new mattress.
I'm going to sleep on it.
Successful people only sleep on bare mattresses...
...because after all that hard work you don't want to sheet the bed.
I got fired from my job at DFS because I am dyslexic.....
Not that it mattress.
Did you hear about the guy who was turned into an air mattress?
His hopes were pretty high the first night, but by the next morning he was pretty deflated.
There is an openly gay homeless man in my neighborhood.
I didn't have much but I wanted to offer him a place to stay so I let him stay on a mattress in my walk-in closet. Now he is no longer homeless and no longer out of the closet.
The Orientation for my new job at the Mattress Store was today.
The Manager handed me a King-sized Blanket and said, "Well, I think that covers just about everything here."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Your a**... is so fat...
That your memory foam mattress wishes it can forget your a**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did h**... name his mattress?
Mein Kampfy
If I had a dollar for every time I had trouble going to sleep
I'd be able to afford a better mattress
