Matthew Jokes
119 matthew jokes and hilarious matthew puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about matthew that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Need a laugh? Check out these jokes all about the name Matthew! Whether it's the beloved Gospel figure in the Bible or the popular name today, these jokes will have you in stitches. Laugh along with John, Jude, and Matt today!
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Funniest Matthew Short Jokes
Short matthew jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The matthew humour may include short john jokes also.
- My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
- I met Matthew McConaughey and asked him to sign a photo for me. I told him to make sure he doesn't write anything in the left side of the picture though. He said "Alright, I'll write all right."
- What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar? "The girls get older, but he stays the same age"
-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of) - Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery... Matthew: "Can I get three loaves of bread please?"
Baker: "What type do you want sir?"
Matthew: "All rye, all rye, all rye." - Who did Matthew McConaughey blame in the protests in Charlottesville? Alt-right, alt-right, alt-right.
- Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles? He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.
- Matthew McConaughey set to guest edit Breibart news next week Alt-Right Alt-Right Alt-Right
- Matthew McConaughey considering a run for Texas Governor. He's planning to run on an alt-right, alt-right, alt-right platform.
- Now that Matthew McConaughey might be running for governor of Texas people are wondering what his politics are... I think it's obvious he's a member of the Alt Right, Alt Right, Alt Right
- The new guy at work reminds me a lot of Matthew mcconaughey He keeps saying things like, "Hey man, don't forget about Matthew Mcconaughey".
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Matthew One Liners
Which matthew one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with matthew? I can suggest the ones about matt and .
- What does Asian Matthew Mcconaughey want for dinner? All rice, all rice, all rice
- What do you call a radical Matthew McConaughey? Alt-right, alt-right, alt-right.
- What is matthew mcconaughey favorite bread? All rye all rye
- How do you get to Matthew McConaughey's house? A right a right a right
- What does Matthew McConaughey say when he's picking fruit? All ripe, all ripe, all ripe.
- What do you get when you cross iron man and Matthew Broderick? Ferrous Bueller
- Matthew McConaughey says he saw a ghost. It was all white, all white, all white.
- [OC] What's Matthew Mcconaughey's favourite Pokemon? _Rhydon rhydon rydon_
- What do celebrity horses eat? Matthew McConaughay
- Violets are red. Roses are blue. I'm colorblind and my name is Matthew.
- What does Matthew McConaughey eat when trying to bulk up? All rice, all rice, all rice
- Taped 4 pictures of Matthew Broderick to each of my rims. Now I have Ferris Wheels.
- What does racist Matthew McConaughey say? altright, altright, altright
- What do North Korea and Matthew McConaughey have in common? Failure to Launch
- What colour did Matthew McConaughey paint his house? All white, all white, all white...
Matthew Mcconaughey Jokes
Here is a list of funny matthew mcconaughey jokes and even better matthew mcconaughey puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Matthew McConaughey and Andre 3000 released an album together. The reviews were
AlrightAlrightAlright AlrightAlrightAlright AlrightAlrightAlright AlrightAlrightAlright
AlrightAlrightAlright - Matthew McConaughey just bought NASCAR And he's making racers drive the opposite direction. Now instead of making left turns, they're going all right, all right, all right
- Matthew McConaughey has a younger brother who works as a court clerk. Everybody knows him for his signature phrase:'All rise, all rise, all rise'.
- What did Matthew McConaughey say when the waiter asked him if he wanted ice in his water? It'd be a lot cooler if you did.
- What did Matthew McConaughey say when he saw this year's Oscar nominees? All white, all white, all whiiiiiiiite...
- What did Matthew McConaughey say to his publisher about his long awaited upcoming book? I'll write, I'll write, I'll write!
- What did Matthew McConaughey say when he was turned into a zombie? Yes, of course:
"I'll rot, I'll rot, I'll rot!"
Happy Halloween! - Matthew McConaughey was spotted during the Capital Hill protests When asked to comment what he saw he simply said,
Alt Right, Alt Right, Alt Right - Why does Matthew McConaughey only watch NASCAR in a mirror? So the turns are all right all right all right.
- What did Matthew McConaughey say on his first day on the job as a Judge? All Rise All Rise All Rise
Matthew Name Jokes
Here is a list of funny matthew name jokes and even better matthew name puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My pastor asked me to name the four Gospels, but I could only remember Matthew, Luke, and John. I missed the Mark.
Cheerful Matthew Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
What funny jokes about matthew you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make matthew pranks.
What do you call Matthew Broderick after he takes his Iron deficiency pills?
Ferrous Bueller
George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...
George Clooney said, "I'll direct."
Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."
And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."
A waiter is working and sees Jesus come in
Waiter: Hello sir, welcome to our restaurant! What can I get for you?
Jesus: Hello Matthew. Today I would like a steak please.
Waiter: How did you... oh right, you're Jesus! Duh. Anyways, how would you like that?
Jesus: Well done, good and faithful servant
Confession
Matthew goes into a confessional box and says "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says "is that you Matthew?"
"Yes father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No father."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
Matthew goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks "What did you get?" Matthew replies "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."
What's Matthew Mcconaghuey's favorite thing about time dilation?
Everyone else keeps getting older, he stays the same age.
Matthew 11, Luke 9 and John 12...
...are just three of the boys Father O'Reilly has to stay at least 50 yards from.
I asked my wife if she wanted to watch a movie with Matthew McConaughey...
She said it's not a Matthew McKindaDay.
Yo mama so old..
when she was young the hottest boygroup was Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.
What did Matthew McConaughey yell at the drive that was about to miss his turn?
A right a right a right!
A priest started his Sunday sermon by saying...
... "Today's sermon is going to be about 'liars'. How many of you have read the 69th chapter of the gospel according to St Matthew? "
Nearly everyone raised their hands.
"You are exactly the people I want speak to. There is no 69th chapter of the gospel according to St Matthew."
I was going to tell you this joke about Matthew Shepard...
...but I'm kind of on the fence about it.
How does Matthew McConaughey like his sandwiches?
On rye on rye on rye.
Matthew McMonaughey's Lincoln doesn't make left turns...
It just goes all right, all right, all right.
Matthew McConaughey would be the worst NASCAR driver
He only goes alright, alright, alright.
Matthew McConaughey for president 2016:
Make America Alright Alright Alright Again!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If Matthew McConaughey was in the k**..., what would his catchphrase be?
All white, all white, all white
TIL that Matthew McConaughey's left hand is never seen in any of his movies.
...because he's "all right, all right, all right."
The Climate of New Zealand
Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand?
Matthew: Very Cold, sir.
Teacher: Wrong.
Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!
Has anyone here seen the Matthew McConaughey movie where he keeps getting grouchy in the early evenings and no one can figure out why...?
Failure to Lunch?
If Hurricane Matthew is anything like me...
It'll come before expected.
America is currently being attacked by a big destructive mass that blows hot air everywhere
And hurricane Matthew is happening, too.
I heard Anheuser Busch is sending 9 truckloads of canned water to the areas affected by Hurricane Matthew.
Who knew there was such a demand for Bud Light after a disaster?
2016 Election
Honestly hurricane Matthew should run for president because I think he left the biggest mark on the country
Did you hear about the Florida teacher who stole the bottlenose dolphin from SeaWorld before Hurricane Matthew?
She took it for educational porpoises.
Trump is like Hurricane Matthew
The media is talking about it nonstop. Nobody knows how bad it's going to be, but you can't help shake your head at the Floridan who ignores the warning.
Who does Matthew McConaughey say is the most dangerous group in America?
Alt-right, alt-right, alt-right
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does Matthew McConnaughey call n**... when he's trying to bring them into the mainstream?
Alt-right, alt-right, alt-right
What did Matthew McConaughey say about Steve Bannon's followers?
They're alt-right, alt-right, alt-right.
How do you back Matthew Mcconaughey into a driveway?
"You're alright alright alright, You're alright alright alright, You're alright alright alright"
What does Matthew McConaughey think about an all white, Republican Government?
Altright, altright, altright
Interstellar: What did Matthew McConaughey (Cooper) say when he arrived back on Earth?
They grew older, I stayed the same age
What do you call Jennifer Aniston, Matthew Perry and Matt LeBlanc during a recession?
Friends with Benefits.
What does Matthew Mcconaughey say when he sees Steve Bannon?
Alt right, alt right, alt right..
What Matthew Mcconaughey movie skips from breakfast to dinner?
Failure to lunch.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In an upcoming film, Matthew McConaughey is going to play a Neo-n**...
He's gonna be alt-right, alt-right, alt-right.
What's Matthew McConaughey's favourite car?
An audi R8, R8, R8
I used to have delusions that I was Matthew Mcconaughey
But now I'm alright alright alright.
I recently came down with Matthew Mcconaughey's disease
Don't worry, I'm alright alright alright now.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did Matthew McConaughey become a neo-n**...?
Because he is
Alt-right
Alt-right
Alt-right.
What did Matthew McConaughey say to me when he found out I made a joke that didn't make the front page?
"It'd be a lot cooler if you did."
What did Matthew McConaughey say when his friends asked him if he wanted to go on a rollercoaster?
"I'll ride, I'll ride, I'll ride"
How to Australians tell Matthew McConaughey jokes to the rest of the world?
Alleft, alleft, alleft
[OC I think] Sure, Matthew McConaughey jokes are pretty predictable...
But they're all right, alright? Alright.
How does Matthew McConaughey like his underwear?
All white, all white, all white
What was Matthew McConaughey's least favourite part of Interstellar?
When the girl gets older, and he stays the same age.
Matthew McConaughey would almost certainly win if he ran for president.
It would be hard to beat the first candidate to get an endorsement from Lincoln.
A woman sees the news, and anxiously calls her husband.
He picks it up,
Matthew, are you driving home from work?
Yes! At least I'm trying!
Well be careful out there. There's some idiot on the interstate going in the wrong direction.
Honey... everyone's going in the wrong direction!"
Why would Matthew McConaughey be a great bailiff?
"All rise, all rise, all rise!"
Stewart, Bobby, Matthew and Arthur are all hanging out at Bobby's place.
Arthur turns to the group and asks "hey, you guys ever wonder about what it would be like to have arms and legs?"
What did Matthew McConaughey see at the Trump rally?
All white, all white, all white
Matthew McConaughey, Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt decide to make a movie together.
Of course, they are going to need roles for each other, but none of them can decide what they want to do. They argue over this for hours, until Leonardo finally decides he wants to direct, since he is the best with cameras. Eventually, Brad Pitt decides he wants to produce, since he's the one with the most money. Now there's only one left; McConaughey. DiCaprio turns to him and says,
Well what does that leave you with?
Matthew thinks about this for a while, until he finally turns to the two of them.
I'll write, I'll write, I'll write.
What are the three steps Matthew McConaughey takes to make a left turn?
All right, all right, all right
