Matter Of Fact Jokes

This little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and it’s always silent. As a matter of fact I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and it’s silent."
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don’t know what you gave me, but now my passing gas… although still silent, it stinks terribly."
"Good", the doctor said, "now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, we’ll start to work on your hearing."

Zebra dies and goes to heaven...

As he approaches the pearly gates of heaven St Peter approaches the zebra and asks Welcome to heaven, do you have any questions before you enter?
The zebra replies Yes I do, something has been bothering me my whole life.
Peter replies What is it? Ask me anything!
Am I black or white? Peter looks at the zebra confused and doesn't know how to answer the zebra. That's a good question. Matter of fact that's good enough to ask god!
So Peter walks the zebra to god and god asks the troubled zebra What bothers you zebra?
God I need to know, am I black or white?
God thinks for a second and replies You are what you are. The zebra repeats what god says still confused You are what your are. Thanks god, I guess.
Peter waiting patiently asks the zebra I have to know. What did God say?
God said you are what you are.
Peter thinks for a minute and realizes that he knows the answer. I know what you are! You are white!
How do you know I'm white!
Because if you were black, you is whatcha is.

Independent Opinion

A man and a women are sitting in a cafe chatting.
The man leans over and quietly asks the woman, "What do you think of that girl sitting just behind you? Do you think she is attractive?"
The woman slowly turns, examines the girl, and responds, "I really don't think so. She is physically fit, but she is not beautiful."
The man says, "Well...I, for one, think she is beautiful."
To which the woman responds, "Well maybe we should ask an apiarist, you know, a bee keeper."
The man asks, "Why on earth would we ask a bee keeper?"
The woman, matter of factly states, "Because beauty is in the eye of the bee holder."

A really bad, terrible mistake

Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated. " Doc says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation. " Fred: "Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I'm a littlee mbarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it? " Doc says, "Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but OK. " He puts Fred to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up. "Well, Doc, how'd it go? " Fred asks. "It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my... " "CIRCUMCISED! " yells Fred. "THAT'S the word!!! "

An elderly priest is retiring

A catholic priest had served the church for over sixty years and finally decided that he was too old to continue the priesthood. He was giving a speech to the congregation.
"I remember when I first became a priest," he said. "I was terrified. I had never done public speaking before such a large audience before, and I was afraid I would mess up. To make matters worse, my first confession was terrible. Adultery, theft, gambling, tax fraud- luckily, it wasn't all like that."
The priest finishes his speech and sits down. Just then, the mayor walks in the door to give a closing to the ceremony.
"Sorry I'm late," he said. "The traffic was terrible. Our priest here will be dearly missed. I remember when he first became a priest. In fact, I was his first confession!"

The ultimate bargain.

The Devil tells a salesman, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any salesman alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest salesman that ever lived."
"Well," says the salesman, "what do I have to do in return?" The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."
"Wait a minute," the salesman says cautiously, "What's the catch?"

George Bush swears he sees Moses in the crowd at a rally....

.....and he doesn't want to miss the opportunity to meet such a well-known biblical celebrity.
He yells at him, "Sir, you look a lot like a man from the old testament. Are you Moses?" Looking around, the man slowly shakes his head side to side denying the gesture. Bush is not convinced.. one more time he asks, "Sir, I don't see the need to lie to me; are you Moses?" Once again, a back and forth shaking of his head. Bush tells his security detail to interrogate him.
His lead security agent asks the man in complete confidence, "The beard, the cloak, the staff, the wrinkled skin... you look exactly like Moses." Moses replies, "Because I am."
Confused, the security agent asks, "Why didn't you just tell the president that then? What harm could it have caused?" As a matter of factly, Moses replies, "The last time I talked to a Bush, I was stranded in a desert for 40 years."

The French Army uniform

At an 18th century European peace conference, a French General struck up a conversation with a British General. The Frenchman asks the Brit, "Why is that your troops go into battle in those bright red coats? They seem awfully garish and opponents can see them coming from a mile away." "Well," says the Brit, "the red coats are so that if a soldier is wounded his fellows won't be able to see the blood and despair." "How clever," responds the French General. "I can see the wisdom in that. As a matter of fact something like that might benefit my troops as well!" And from that day forward, the French army has always gone into battle in brown pants.

A crying man walks slowly along the frontier.

He finds a deep hole with a bucket beside it, and lowers the bucket in to pull out some water. While he's having a drink, a quivering voice comes from the hole.
"What's the matter friend?"
The man, surprised, wipes his eyes and replies, "My brother Harvey and I moved out here to find an unique piece of land to call our own, but all the land out here's so common. Anything unusual has already been claimed. Then on top of that, Harvey fell off a cliff this morning and died, and I think it was my fault."
"Hmm," the voice replied, "Harvey says it was just an accident and not to worry about it."
The man, amazed at the fact that the hole is communicating with his dead brother, feels his mood get better immediately.
"Why are you smiling?" the quivering voice asks.
The man thinks a minute then says, "I dunno. I came out here looking for a rare stake, but it turns out I'm pretty happy with one medium well."

A man and his son were at the grocery store today...

They were using a cart that had a child-size car attached to the front with the kid inside. While I was shopping, I noticed the dad started hitting the cart into the wall, it was a pretty bizarre sight to see. Before I could intervene, the kid yells,
Kid: DAAAAAD, stop!!! What are you doing?! Stooop!
Kid: Daaaad?! We're not going anywhere! What are you doing?
The dad finally stops after a minute, looks his son straight in the eye and says, as a matter of fact,
Dad: "I don't know son, you're the one who's driving."
I've never laughed so hard while eavesdropping, dad jokes are great. Happy Saturday!

The Guinness Factory in Dublin Experiences a Workplace Fatality

The unhappy job of giving the news to the widow falls upon the deceased man's best friend, Gerald.
Gerald knocks on the door of his dead friend's house and Mary, the widow answers the door.
"Mary, I'm afraid there has been an accident at the factory, Tom was involved."
"My God." says Mary, "is he alright!?"
"Well, the fact is, no, he died. Drowned in one of the vats" Gerald tells Mary and she begins to cry.
"Was it at least a quick death?" Mary asked.
"As a matter of fact... no. He got out three times to pee."

A man worked at construction site...

...and is brought to emergency room with concussion and skull fracture.
His wife, furious, comes to hospital.
"What happened?!"
"Well, I asked John to throw me the hammer..."
"And then what?! You didn't catch it?"
"In matter of fact *I did*. But then I remembered we have 3 guys named John working on our site..."