The Best 78 Matter Jokes
Following is our collection of Matter jokes which are very funny. There are some matter solids jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these matter laughing matter puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Matter Jokes and Puns
I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday.
All Fridays matter.
Gambler
A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."
Einstein walks into a bar...
The bartender asks "What's the deal, Einstein? You look like you're out of energy tonight."
Einstein responds: "Eh, no matter."
[BTW this was original]
Why isn't energy made of atoms?
It doesn't matter
(go ahead and down vote :P)
Last month, I asked my dad if I could get a tattoo.
He told me to get it somewhere that didn't matter, so I got it done in Oklahoma.
Sex after surgery
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
What are your best "If I had ____ for every time..." jokes?
Two of my favorites are:
1. "If I had a dollar for every existentialist moment I've ever had...Does money even matter?" - Can't remember the comedian.
2. "If I had a quarter every time a hobo asked me for spare change, I'd still say no" - Bo Burnham
Newlyweds
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
Whats your name?
An attractive woman arrives at a party. While scanning the guests she spots an interesting looking man standing alone. She approaches him and says "Hello, my name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name" he says, "is it a family name?"
"No", she replies. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things I enjoy most...cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen."
"What's your name?" she asks.
The man replies "B.J.......B.J. Titsngolf."
The difference between a crow and a raven.
A biologist was asked to finally determine whether crows and ravens are really two different birds. This has been a matter of some conjecture for quite some time. Given only a cursory glance, these birds appear to be one and the same. The biologist spent considerable time watching the birds in their habitat and logging hours of observations. Their beaks were the same, their feet and their bodies showed no variable difference. But, at last, a breakthrough. The long feathers at the tip of a birds wings, the pinion feathers, provided the conclusion that ravens and crows differ. A raven has four pinion feathers and a crow has five pinion feathers. So........................... The difference between ravens and crows is a matter of a pinion.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter - He won't come anyway.
But you could call him "cigarette" and take him out for a drag.
You can explore matter moot reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean matter nihilists dad jokes. There are also matter puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
If Linkin Park plays in a forest, and no one is there to hear it,
in the end, does it even matter?
How many cynics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Doesn't matter. Lightbulb is going to die anyway.
Being a sexist doesn't bother me at all.
The only people that will call me a sexist are women and their opinion doesn't matter.
Sometimes I ask myself if I'd rather be black or blind, then I realize it doesn't matter.
Either way, I wouldn't see my dad again
A guest calls the front desk of a hotel:
and says my wife wants to commit suicide by jumping out of the window.
The receptionist: sir, this is a private matter. Please call the cops.
Guest: no. i need a maintenance guy. Your window doesnt open.
I have an archaeology exam tomorrow
And it doesn't matter if I pass or fail because either way...
My future's in ruins.
It only takes 3 inches to please a woman.
And it doesn't matter if it's mastercard, visa or American express.
Father looks out the window on a snowy evening.
He gets furious and turns red.
"What's the matter, dear," his wife asks.
"It's our daughter's new boyfriend. He's written his name in the snow with pee."
"Oh. That's not so bad."
"Yeah, but it's in *her* handwriting."
There are four states of matter.
Solid, liquid, gas, and black lives.
A Hotel guest calls the front desk
and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot.
The window won't open and that's a maintenance matter."
No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.
We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.
No matter how bad things get, at least I have my fingers!
I know I can always count on them.
No matter how kind you are...
No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.
Menstruation is NOT a laughing matter.
Period.
Why are storm troopers so clingy?
Cause no matter where you're at they'll always miss you.
My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.
Napalm
An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.
Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.
How man nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
It doesn't matter.
No matter if you are American or European
9/11 is a sad date
Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"
Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"
Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"
Me: "49"
Interviewer: "that's not even close"
me: "yeah, but it was fast"
What's the difference between a crow and a raven?
All birds have tail feathers that help them fly called pinions. Crows have 3 pinions and ravens have 4. The difference is just a matter of a pinion.
What's large, grey, and doesn't matter?
An irrelephant.
What's the correct way to pronounce nihilism?
Doesn't matter.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I've had
Does money even matter
Life is hard in a band
Me and the guys started a rock band, we call it 1023MB. But no matter how hard we look we cant find a gig.
What is the difference between a raven and a crow??
Well, ravens and crows both have large feathers on their wings called 'pinions'. Ravens have 4 pinions on each wing while crows only have 3.
So if you think about it, it's just a matter of a pinion
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.
He runs Facebook.
If i had a nickel for every existential crisis
it wouldn't matter because money is a social construct and existence is meaningless
Crayons are just like M&Ms....
They taste the same no matter what colour they are.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I'm obsessed with Linkin park
But in the end it doesn't even matter
A brunette goes to the doctor
A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts."
He asks "What do you mean?"
So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!" Then her shoulder, "Ouch!"
The doctor looks at her and asks, "You're really blonde, aren't you?"
She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?"
Doctor says, "Well your finger is broken."
With the rise of self-driving vehicles...
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too
So I walked into a sex shop the other day...
Me: I'm looking for a blow up doll
Manager: Great, we have plenty! What gender?
Me: I'd like a female.
Manager: Awesome, and would you like the doll to be Christian, Protestant, or Muslim?
Me: (confused) Why does the religion matter? What's the difference?
Manager: Well, there really is none between the Christian and Protestant. However, the Muslim will blow itself up.
A man called the hotel manager...
He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".
If a white lie is a harmless lie that doesn't really matter
Then does that mean that black lies matter?
No matter what they say, you matter.
Unless you get multiplied by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy
No matter how much you push the envelope.
It'll still be stationery.
Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:
Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the right sock, no matter where it is located in the universe.
Why don't Broward County police officers need to use condoms?
Because no matter how dire the situation gets, they won't come inside.
'I just feel like being black is a huge disadvantage no matter how much skill you have ' said my friend
'oh come on, it's just one move at the start of the game' I responded as I took his Knight.
Physicists are the only scientists that matter
But mathematicians are the only ones who count
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis
Would it even matter?
-My daughter, are you really dating our neighbor?
-My daughter, are you really dating our neighbor?
-Yes, I am, mum!
-But he could be your father!
-Age does not matter, mum!
-That's not what I meant.
A man calls the hotel front desk
"Hello how I may I be of assistance sir?"
"I NEED YOU TO SEND SOMEONE TO MY ROOM RIGHT AWAY."
"Calm down Sir, what seems to be the problem?"
"My wife is trying to jump out of the window..."
"Oh that sounds like a personal matter, I'm afraid we cannot involve ourselves."
"Listen here you smartass, the window isn't opening up and that's a maintenance matter!"
A man is driving down the freeway
when his wife calls him. He picks up and asks what the matter is. She says, "I want you to be careful honey, I heard on the radio there's a lunatic barreling down the highway going the wrong way." He replies, "it's much worse than that, there's hundreds of them
Black lives matter.
Unless you accelerate them to the velocity of light, then black lives energy.
Telltale games is closing down.
'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman
A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather
One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."
The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and then calls in the clean up crew.
But a short while later, he receives another message. "Stupid autocorrect. I meant wifi."
Condom expiration dates are a little misleading
because I get sick no matter when I eat them.
If I'm not a solid, a liquid, or a gas, does that mean...
...I don't matter?
A man and his wife checked into a hotel.
An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk.
Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window."
Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. "
Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."
They had a Ginger Lives Matter protest today
There was not a soul.
With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.
He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."
Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."
No matter how kind you are,
German children are always Kinder.
My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.
His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."
I've have got this weird fetish for figuring things out.
Matter of fact I just came to that realization.
My girlfriend just broke up with me due to my linkin park obsession.
...But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
A wealthy billionaire dies, and his final wish is to be buried with his money.
So, at the funeral reception, the widow is speaking with guests when the matter of the billionaire's last wish comes up. The widow confirms that she honored her late husband's request.
A friend says to the widow, "You really buried him with billions of dollars?!", and the widow replies, "Of course, I wrote him a check."
So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner.
However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.
~~it's dumb but at least it's original~~
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
It doesn't matter. How did that joke make you feel?
Here's the thing about vacuum cleaners
It doesn't matter if you have the best or the worst, because at the end of the day they all suck.
After getting punched for making a racist comment at our last family gathering, my uncle won't be attending the next one because
black eyes matter.
No matter how much I love cake…
Never gonna run around and desert you
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
I play a little guitar!"
The resemblance was uncanny!
A newlywed man was in the garage working on his motorcycle. His new wife came out of the house and watched him work for a few minutes before saying, Now that we are married, you should probably sell that motorcycle.
The man's face went pale and he looked as if he might throw up.
Are you okay? Whats the matter? begged his wife.
He managed to get control of himself. For a minute there, you sounded like my ex-wife.
Your ex-wife? the woman exclaimed. You never told me that you were married before!
I wasn't, he said.
I asked my friend how nihilism is pronounced.
Neelishm or nylisim.
He said it doesn't matter.
I'd tell you a science joke...
But I know it wouldn't get a reaction. It doesn't really matter, all the good science jokes argon.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the matter won jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working matter mutilation piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.