matter Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious matter stories

What are the best Matter puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Matter? Well here is a complete list of Matter dad jokes:

Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

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I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday.

All Fridays matter.

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My grandpa told me this one.

So an older couple is discussing the inevitable matter of death. The wife asks her husband, "If I die before you do, will you remarry?" To which the husband replies, "Well, I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, so yes." The wife then asks, "What about the house? Will you live in the same house?" And the husband says, "Well, I suppose, I mean, it's already paid for." The wife, getting a little protective, asks, "And what about my car? Will she drive my car?" The husband says again, "Well, it's already paid for..."
The wife, annoyed at this point, shoots, "What about my golf clubs?!?" And the husband says, "Oh, no. She's left handed."

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No matter how hard you push the envelope

it will still remain stationery

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A multimillionaire goes to a psychologist

So, the multimillionaire is lying there on the couch, and he says, "I have this problem where I buy things. Big things, little things. It doesn't matter if it's a good deal or not. It doesn't matter whether or not I need it. It's the thrill of the purchase. In fact, yesterday I pulled out my wallet, and I bought an entire mall."

So the psychologist thinks for a little while, and finally says, "Then it sounds like you have a shopping complex."

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Sex after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

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A doctor had sex...

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...

"You're a veterinarian, you sick sex fiend."

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Why are male bathrooms on the left, and female bathrooms on the right?

Because no matter what, women are always right, even when they're full of shit.

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In the prison shower

A man is being send to prison, on the first day in the shower he is approached by a giant muscular inmate who asks him intimidatingly

"With or without spit?!"

The man thinks to himself that it will happen no matter what and that it might hurt less with spit so he frighteningly stammers

"With spit"

To which the giant shouts to another inmate.

"Hey come on over Spit, this dude wants a threesome!"



*Have mercy on my joke, I am not a native English speaker and this joke might work better in German.*

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Gambler

A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."

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If Linkin Park plays in a forest, and no one is there to hear it,

in the end, does it even matter?

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A guest calls the front desk of a hotel:

and says my wife wants to commit suicide by jumping out of the window.

The receptionist: sir, this is a private matter. Please call the cops.


Guest: no. i need a maintenance guy. Your window doesnt open.

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The Naughty Doctor

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...

"You're a veterinarian, you sick sex fiend."

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So, this guy works at a pickle factory...

...and one day when he comes home from work, his wife can immediately tell something is wrong. "What's the matter?" she asks. "Well," says the husband, "Lately, at work, I've been having bad thoughts... really bad. I feel compelled to stick my dick in the pickle slicer." "That's horrible!" shouts his wife, "What's wrong with you?! You need therapy!" "You might be right," says the husband.

So, he starts going to therapy, and things seem to be going well for while. But, then one day he comes home from work and his wife can see on his face that he's been crying. "No!" she cries, "Tell me you didn't do it!" "I sorry, honey" her husband sobs, "I couldn't help myself. I did it. I stuck my dick in the pickle slicer!" "So, what happened?!" asks his wife. "Well, I got fired." says the husband. "No!" his wife yells, "What happened with the pickle slicer?!" "Oh," says her husband, "Well, she got fired too."

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Her farts don't stink

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office."
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts are still silent but stink terribly".

"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

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A blonde tried to sell her old car

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles on it.

One day she mentioned her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a way to make your car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "as long as I can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here's the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

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Whats your name?

An attractive woman arrives at a party. While scanning the guests she spots an interesting looking man standing alone. She approaches him and says "Hello, my name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name" he says, "is it a family name?"
"No", she replies. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things I enjoy most...cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen."
"What's your name?" she asks.

The man replies "B.J.......B.J. Titsngolf."

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[NSFW] Billy Connolly's c**t joke.

Two guys talking:

"You know, I've been thinking about you a lot lately and you're a cunt. You've always been a cunt and in all likelihood you always will be a cunt. As a matter of fact, if they were giving a prize for World's Biggest Cunt, you'd probably come second."

"Second? Why wouldn't I come first?"

"Because you're a cunt."

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Einstein walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "What's the deal, Einstein? You look like you're out of energy tonight."

Einstein responds: "Eh, no matter."

[BTW this was original]

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Why isn't energy made of atoms?

It doesn't matter

(go ahead and down vote :P)

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Sometimes I ask myself if I'd rather be black or blind, then I realize it doesn't matter.

Either way, I wouldn't see my dad again

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What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter - He won't come anyway.


But you could call him "cigarette" and take him out for a drag.

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Fridays!!

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowingin despair, he has his first meeting with The Devil.
The Devil: Why so sad?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
The Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... Do you drink?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
The Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, brandy, rum, tequila, beer...we drink until we throw up and then we drink some more! It doesn't matter because you're already dead!
Guy: That sounds great.
The Devil: Do you smoke?
Guy: Yes.
The Devil: You're going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer - who cares! You're already dead!
Guy: Wow!
The Devil: Do you gamble?.
Guy: I do.
The Devil: Wednesdays you can gamble all youwant...blackjack, roulette, poker, whatever... If you lose yourshirt...who cares!
Guy: Amazing!
The Devil: You into drugs?
Guy: You don't mean...
The Devil: Yes, Thursdays are drug days. Help yourself toa great all the drugs that your want! Who cares... you're dead!
Guy: I never realized Hell was such a swinging place!!!
The Devil: Are you gay?
Guy: No.
The Devil: Ooooh - you're gonna hate Fridays..

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Last month, I asked my dad if I could get a tattoo.

He told me to get it somewhere that didn't matter, so I got it done in Oklahoma.

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Personal Matter.

Husband : (calls up Hotel Manager from Room) Please come fast, I am having an argument with my wife & she says she will jump from your hotel window.

Manager : Sir, I am sorry, but this is your personal matter.

Husband : Are you stupid? The window's not opening. this is a maintenance issue!!!

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A man was crossing a road when a frog called out to him and...

...said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful woman."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful woman I will stay with you for an entire week!"

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it in to his pocket.

The frog cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a woman, I'll stay with you for a year."

Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked: "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful woman and that I'd stay with you for a year. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said: "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool."

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A fiftyish woman is at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea
how ridiculous you look? What`s the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don`t care. I
just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the
breasts of an 18 year old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 65 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

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How many cynics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Doesn't matter. Lightbulb is going to die anyway.

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Being a sexist doesn't bother me at all.

The only people that will call me a sexist are women and their opinion doesn't matter.

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Newlyweds

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

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A man walking along a beach finds a lamp

When he rubs it, out pops a female genie. The genie says "I am the feminist genie. While I do have to grant your wishes exactly as you ask, I sense that you are divorced. Therefore, no matter what you wish for will be also given to your ex wife in double the amount."

The man ponders his situation for a moment and says "Build me a 20 room mansion."
"Done!" says the genie "and your ex wife now has a 40 room mansion"

"Put 10 million dollars in my bank account" requests the man.
"As you wish" exclaimed the genie "and at the same time I have given your ex wife 20 million dollars"

"Awesome.", said the man. "Now listen carefully..."
"Yes?" Said the genie leaning in closer. The man smiled and whispered:


"Beat me half to death"

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The difference between a crow and a raven.

A biologist was asked to finally determine whether crows and ravens are really two different birds. This has been a matter of some conjecture for quite some time. Given only a cursory glance, these birds appear to be one and the same. The biologist spent considerable time watching the birds in their habitat and logging hours of observations. Their beaks were the same, their feet and their bodies showed no variable difference. But, at last, a breakthrough. The long feathers at the tip of a birds wings, the pinion feathers, provided the conclusion that ravens and crows differ. A raven has four pinion feathers and a crow has five pinion feathers. So........................... The difference between ravens and crows is a matter of a pinion.

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What are your best "If I had ____ for every time..." jokes?

Two of my favorites are:

1. "If I had a dollar for every existentialist moment I've ever had...Does money even matter?" - Can't remember the comedian.
2. "If I had a quarter every time a hobo asked me for spare change, I'd still say no" - Bo Burnham

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No matter how far you push the envelope...

It's still stationery.





Fixed it.

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No matter how hard I tried to push the envelope...

It was still stationery.

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A maintenance matter

A husband frantically calls hotel management from his hotel room, "Please come fast I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel."

The manager responded, "Sir that's a personal matter."

The husband responded, "Idiot, the window won't open! That's a maintenance matter!"

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The first woman on the moon

The first woman on the moon:

- Houston, we have a problem

- What is it?

- It doesn't matter, it's nothing

- What is the problem?

- Nothing!

- Please, state your problem.

- You know too damn well, what the problem is!"

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Marriage is a lot like being a meteorologist.

No matter what you say, you're still wrong.

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A man goes to a bar

A man goes to a bar and asks for 5 shots of Whiskey and the bartender asks "Woah buddy, what's the matter?" the man responds with "Today I found out my son is gay". The bartender hands his 5 shots. The next day the man comes back and asks the bartender for 10 shots of Whiskey, the bartender asks "What's wrong today?" the man responds with "Today I found out my father is gay" the bartender gave him 10 shots. The man is back the next day yet again and asks for 15 shots of Whiskey. The bartender says "Is there anyone in your family that doesn't like men?". The man responds "My wife."

Sorry if this joke was told already, I heard it many years ago and thought you nice folks would like it.

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The thing about ice skating ...

No matter how good you are, the hardest part is always your nipples.

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The garbage men are collecting the bins when one of them notices the bin of the old Japanese guy in number 23 is missing....

So he rings the dorbell.

"Harro!" the Japanese man says as he opens the door "What is matter?"

The garbage man, short on time, cuts to the chase "Where's your bin?"

"Uhm... I bin on toiret"

"Nah man, I mean where's your dust bin?"

"I said, I dust bin on toiret!"

"Dude you're understanding me wrong. Where's your wheely bin?"

"Fiiiine" says the Japanese guy, "I wheely bin having wank!"

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Princess and the Frog - er, *Engineer* and the frog

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess. He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want.
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?
The engineer said, Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

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Give it to me, I'm so fucking wet! Give it to me!

no matter how much she begged, I would't give her the umbrella

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It doesn't matter if you're black or white.

Unless my wife just gave birth to you.

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Have you heard of the object without mass?

It doesn't matter

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Mozart

So the year is 1791, and Mozart has just died. It's a big deal in Vienna, everyone is sad blah blah blah blah. A few days after he is buried, someone is walking through the graveyard and hears a strange noise. Intrigued by the noise he follows it until it gets louder, louder, and finally he finds himself standing above Mozart's grave. Naturally this is a matter of curiosity in Vienna, and soon people from all over come to hear this strange sound coming from Mozart's grave. No one can identify the noise coming from the grave, so finally they bring in an expert on Mozart's music to see if he can identify it. After listening for a few minutes, the expert says "Well this is Mozart's 6th symphony, but it's playing backwards." He listens a bit longer and he hears Mozart's 5th symphony, 4th symphony, 3rd, 2nd, 1st but all being played backwards. The people of Vienna ask the expert how this strange music can be coming from the grave. "It's no big deal" he answers. "Mozart is just *decomposing*."

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I lost both my legs below the knee in an accident...

... and for years, no matter how hard my friends and family tried to convince me, I fought on without prosthetic replacements.

In the end it became just too difficult, so I finally accepted defeat.

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Don't trust atoms, no matter what.

They make up everything.

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Lessons.

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow in the back shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

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A rather effeminate looking man is hitchhiking near the interstate

when he is finally picked up by a big burly truck driver. The man gets in the truck and chats with the driver for a few miles. Finally, wanting to get the inevitable question out of the way, the hitchhiker says "Well, aren't you going to ask me?"

"Ask you what?" responds the truck driver.

"Aren't you going to ask me whether I'm a boy or girl? Everyone always has to ask whether I'm a boy or girl"

The truck driver quickly replies "Oh, it don't matter, I'm gonna fuck you either way"

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best matter jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about matter. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty matter gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these matter jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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