Matter Jokes

Following is our collection of moot humor and solids one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Matter puns for adults, dirty nihilists jokes or clean laughing matter gags for kids.

There is an abundance of won jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 70 funniest jokes on matter. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any mutilation witze you can hear about matter.

The Best jokes about Matter

I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday.

All Fridays matter.

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis

Would it even matter?

With the rise of self-driving vehicles...

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too

Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"

Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"

Me: "49"

Interviewer: "that's not even close"

me: "yeah, but it was fast"

If i had a nickel for every existential crisis

it wouldn't matter because money is a social construct and existence is meaningless


No matter how kind you are...

No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

No matter what they say, you matter.

Unless you get multiplied by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy

A man called the hotel manager...

He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".

No matter how much you push the envelope.

It'll still be stationery.


Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:

Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the right sock, no matter where it is located in the universe.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I've had

Does money even matter

No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.

So I walked into a sex shop the other day...

Me: I'm looking for a blow up doll

Manager: Great, we have plenty! What gender?

Me: I'd like a female.

Manager: Awesome, and would you like the doll to be Christian, Protestant, or Muslim?

Me: (confused) Why does the religion matter? What's the difference?

Manager: Well, there really is none between the Christian and Protestant. However, the Muslim will blow itself up.

Why don't Broward County police officers need to use condoms?

Because no matter how dire the situation gets, they won't come inside.

Sex after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Telltale games is closing down.

'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman

There are four states of matter.

Solid, liquid, gas, and black lives.


Condom expiration dates are a little misleading

because I get sick no matter when I eat them.

Gambler

A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."

If Linkin Park plays in a forest, and no one is there to hear it,

in the end, does it even matter?

'I just feel like being black is a huge disadvantage no matter how much skill you have ' said my friend

'oh come on, it's just one move at the start of the game' I responded as I took his Knight.

A guest calls the front desk of a hotel:

and says my wife wants to commit suicide by jumping out of the window.

The receptionist: sir, this is a private matter. Please call the cops.


Guest: no. i need a maintenance guy. Your window doesnt open.

A man calls the hotel front desk

"Hello how I may I be of assistance sir?"

"I NEED YOU TO SEND SOMEONE TO MY ROOM RIGHT AWAY."

"Calm down Sir, what seems to be the problem?"

"My wife is trying to jump out of the window..."

"Oh that sounds like a personal matter, I'm afraid we cannot involve ourselves."

"Listen here you smartass, the window isn't opening up and that's a maintenance matter!"

If a white lie is a harmless lie that doesn't really matter

Then does that mean that black lies matter?

Physicists are the only scientists that matter

But mathematicians are the only ones who count

What's the difference between a crow and a raven?

All birds have tail feathers that help them fly called pinions. Crows have 3 pinions and ravens have 4. The difference is just a matter of a pinion.

What's large, grey, and doesn't matter?

An irrelephant.

What's the correct way to pronounce nihilism?

Doesn't matter.

It only takes 3 inches to please a woman.

And it doesn't matter if it's mastercard, visa or American express.

Whats your name?

An attractive woman arrives at a party. While scanning the guests she spots an interesting looking man standing alone. She approaches him and says "Hello, my name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name" he says, "is it a family name?"
"No", she replies. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things I enjoy most...cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen."
"What's your name?" she asks.

The man replies "B.J.......B.J. Titsngolf."

Crayons are just like M&Ms....

They taste the same no matter what colour they are.

What is the difference between a raven and a crow??

Well, ravens and crows both have large feathers on their wings called 'pinions'. Ravens have 4 pinions on each wing while crows only have 3.

So if you think about it, it's just a matter of a pinion

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.

He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.

Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

Father looks out the window on a snowy evening.

He gets furious and turns red.

"What's the matter, dear," his wife asks.

"It's our daughter's new boyfriend. He's written his name in the snow with pee."

"Oh. That's not so bad."

"Yeah, but it's in *her* handwriting."

Einstein walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "What's the deal, Einstein? You look like you're out of energy tonight."

Einstein responds: "Eh, no matter."

[BTW this was original]

Why isn't energy made of atoms?

It doesn't matter

(go ahead and down vote :P)

Sometimes I ask myself if I'd rather be black or blind, then I realize it doesn't matter.

Either way, I wouldn't see my dad again

Why are storm troopers so clingy?

Cause no matter where you're at they'll always miss you.

A man and his wife checked into a hotel.

An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk.

Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window."

Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. "

Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."

-My daughter, are you really dating our neighbor?

-My daughter, are you really dating our neighbor?
-Yes, I am, mum!
-But he could be your father!
-Age does not matter, mum!
-That's not what I meant.

How man nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?

It doesn't matter.

With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.

He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."

Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn't matter - He won't come anyway.


But you could call him "cigarette" and take him out for a drag.

A man is driving down the freeway

when his wife calls him. He picks up and asks what the matter is. She says, "I want you to be careful honey, I heard on the radio there's a lunatic barreling down the highway going the wrong way." He replies, "it's much worse than that, there's hundreds of them

Last month, I asked my dad if I could get a tattoo.

He told me to get it somewhere that didn't matter, so I got it done in Oklahoma.

A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather

One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."

The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and then calls in the clean up crew.

But a short while later, he receives another message. "Stupid autocorrect. I meant wifi."

I have an archaeology exam tomorrow

And it doesn't matter if I pass or fail because either way...

My future's in ruins.

Menstruation is NOT a laughing matter.

Period.

No matter how bad things get, at least I have my fingers!

I know I can always count on them.

If I'm not a solid, a liquid, or a gas, does that mean...

...I don't matter?

My girlfriend broke up with me because I'm obsessed with Linkin park

But in the end it doesn't even matter

Life is hard in a band

Me and the guys started a rock band, we call it 1023MB. But no matter how hard we look we cant find a gig.

How many cynics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Doesn't matter. Lightbulb is going to die anyway.

Being a sexist doesn't bother me at all.

The only people that will call me a sexist are women and their opinion doesn't matter.

Newlyweds

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

A Hotel guest calls the front desk

and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.

You need to send someone to my room immediately.

I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot.



The window won't open and that's a maintenance matter."

Black lives matter.

Unless you accelerate them to the velocity of light, then black lives energy.

They had a Ginger Lives Matter protest today

There was not a soul.

No matter if you are American or European

9/11 is a sad date

A brunette goes to the doctor

A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts."
He asks "What do you mean?"
So she showed him what she meant. She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!" Then her shoulder, "Ouch!"
The doctor looks at her and asks, "You're really blonde, aren't you?"
She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?"
Doctor says, "Well your finger is broken."

What are your best "If I had ____ for every time..." jokes?

Two of my favorites are:

1. "If I had a dollar for every existentialist moment I've ever had...Does money even matter?" - Can't remember the comedian.
2. "If I had a quarter every time a hobo asked me for spare change, I'd still say no" - Bo Burnham

No matter what sexual role play idea my wife decides on, I always have to play the same character.

The husband who is out of town.

I need to buy a 4k TV, no matter what.

It's my new year resolution.

No matter how hard I tried to push the envelope...

It was still stationery.

A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper

He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the military. He handed the letter of discharge to the recruit and he smiled and said "Oh yes. This is the sheet of paper I was looking for!"

I'd like to have sex with Sarah Huckabee Sanders . . .

no matter how bad it was she would tell everyone it was great.

Don't be racist.

It doesn't matter if you're black, asian or normal!

The husband calls the hotel reception: "Hello, can you send someone over? I'm arguing with my wife..."

"...And she says she's going to throw herself out the window!"
Receptionist: "Sir...that...that is a personal matter"
Husband: "Yes, I get it... but the window does not open...and that's is a hotel maintenance problem...!"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes