matter Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious matter puns

Wife: Does this dress make me look fat? Me: You promise not to get mad no matter what i say? Wife: Yes

Me: I fucked your sister

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I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday.

All Fridays matter.

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If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis

Would it even matter?

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With the rise of self-driving vehicles...

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too

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Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"

Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"

Me: "49"

Interviewer: "that's not even close"

me: "yeah, but it was fast"

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A man and his wife were getting dressed for a big event. After putting on her dress, she asked her husband, "does this dress make my ass look fat?"

The husband sighed, and asked his wife, "Honey, do you promise me you won't get mad, no matter how I answer?"

His wife said, "I promise, I'll never bring it up again."

The husband looked her over and said, "I fucked your sister."

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If i had a nickel for every existential crisis

it wouldn't matter because money is a social construct and existence is meaningless

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No matter how kind you are...

No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.

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My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

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Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

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No matter what they say, you matter.

Unless you get multiplied by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy

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A man called the hotel manager...

He said "Come up quickly, I fought with my wife and now she wants to throw herself out the window!". The manager replied "Sir this is a personal matter and we can't get involved. I can call sec..." The man interrupted "No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won't open!".

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No matter how much you push the envelope.

It'll still be stationery.

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No matter how hard you push the envelope

it will still remain stationery

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Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:

Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the right sock, no matter where it is located in the universe.

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If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I've had

Does money even matter

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No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.ο»Ώ

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So I walked into a sex shop the other day...

Me: I'm looking for a blow up doll

Manager: Great, we have plenty! What gender?

Me: I'd like a female.

Manager: Awesome, and would you like the doll to be Christian, Protestant, or Muslim?

Me: (confused) Why does the religion matter? What's the difference?

Manager: Well, there really is none between the Christian and Protestant. However, the Muslim will blow itself up.

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A guy walks into a bar waving a handgun

and shouts "I want to know who's been fucking my wife!" One of the patrons swiveled around on his stool and drunkenly slurs, "What kind of gun is that? A Smith and Wesson 686?" The husband replies "What the fuck does that matter?!?" The drunk smiles and says, "Because a 686 only holds 6 bullets. You're gonna need to reload."

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Why don't Broward County police officers need to use condoms?

Because no matter how dire the situation gets, they won't come inside.

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Sex after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ...
Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

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Why are male bathrooms on the left, and female bathrooms on the right?

Because no matter what, women are always right, even when they're full of shit.

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Telltale games is closing down.

'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman

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There are four states of matter.

Solid, liquid, gas, and black lives.

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Gambler

A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."

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If Linkin Park plays in a forest, and no one is there to hear it,

in the end, does it even matter?

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'I just feel like being black is a huge disadvantage no matter how much skill you have ' said my friend

'oh come on, it's just one move at the start of the game' I responded as I took his Knight.

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A guest calls the front desk of a hotel:

and says my wife wants to commit suicide by jumping out of the window.

The receptionist: sir, this is a private matter. Please call the cops.


Guest: no. i need a maintenance guy. Your window doesnt open.

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A man calls the hotel front desk

"Hello how I may I be of assistance sir?"

"I NEED YOU TO SEND SOMEONE TO MY ROOM RIGHT AWAY."

"Calm down Sir, what seems to be the problem?"

"My wife is trying to jump out of the window..."

"Oh that sounds like a personal matter, I'm afraid we cannot involve ourselves."

"Listen here you smartass, the window isn't opening up and that's a maintenance matter!"

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If a white lie is a harmless lie that doesn't really matter

Then does that mean that black lies matter?

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Physicists are the only scientists that matter

But mathematicians are the only ones who count

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My wife says that a small penis shouldn't matter in a loving relationship...

but I still wish she didn't have one.

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When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats"

But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!"
Moral: hard work is never appreciated, only results matter

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What's the difference between a crow and a raven?

All birds have tail feathers that help them fly called pinions. Crows have 3 pinions and ravens have 4. The difference is just a matter of a pinion.

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What's large, grey, and doesn't matter?

An irrelephant.

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What are the most funny Matter jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Matter? Well, here are the best Matter dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Matter pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes