matter baby Jokes

funny matter baby pick up lines and hilarious matter baby puns

A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"...

She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".

The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."


A woman was 9 months pregnant...

...and she didn't wanna go to the hospital no matter what. One day she is walking up the stairs inside her home when her water breaks, she then lays down Right there and gives birth with the assistance of her husband. Once the baby is born the mother is holding her baby and says to her husband "I don't think this is yours..." He looks at her confused and asks "what do you mean?", she looks him in the eyes and says "because it's a step-child"


A couple Mr and Mrs Wong are trying for a baby,

Mrs Wong eventually gets a positive pregnancy test, but Mr wong is suspicious as he did the maths and the dates didnt quite add up.

He doesnt question anything and has faith in his wife, Later as she gives birth they are both overcome with joy.

Until Mr wong looks at the baby and calls his wife a whore saying he knew she had slept around,
She questions 'What's the matter of course he is yours!'
He replied 'oh come on two Wongs dont make a white'


So this woman had a baby boy...

...but she was in no condition to keep him, so she decided to abandon him to the church. However, the priest was in the hospital at the moment, so the woman went after him and, seeing him in the hospital bed, unconscious and with IV's sticking out of his every vein, she decided to leave the baby at his feet.

The priest wakes up and after he discovers the baby, he calls for the doctors. "What's with this baby here, doc?". "Well, you see, when we were operating on you we found him there, so we got him out."
"This must be a miracle from God!" cried out the priest. "I must keep him!"

Years pass and the priest finds himself on the death bed. With his last breath he calls for his son.
"Son, I am not your father..."
"I knew it all along" said the son. "It doesn't matter, you raised me, you fed me, you cared for me as if for your own!"

"No, you don't get it. I'm not your father. I'm your mother. Your father's the bell-ringer."


Can you give me a push?

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push??" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" And the stranger replies, "I'm over here, on your swing.


One day a mother skunk

Told her two baby skunks, In and Out, to go outside and play. The two baby skunks did so and where having a great time. The played tag, follow the leader, and tried catching bugs down by the river. Then Out had an idea.

"Let's play hide and seek," Out said. "I'll look for you first!"

Out hid his eyes and began counting slowly all the way until 100.

"Ready or not, here I come," Out shouted.

He rushed around all the usual spots but couldn't find his sibling. Everywhere he looked and found nothing made him a little more nervous. After an hour of screaming for his sibling he ran back home crying. He burst through the door and his mother looked at him.

"Out, what's the matter?" she asked.

"We were playing hide and go seek and I can't find In," he replied through his tears.

The mother smiled and patted him on the head. "Wait right here," she said and walked out the door.

Not even a minute later she walked back in with her other baby skunk.

Out looked at her with amazement. "Mommy, how do you find him so quick?!" he asked.

"Oh, it was easy," she replied. "In stinked."


One day a woman and her baby got onto a bus

As the woman paid the bus driver, he said to her, That is one ugly baby!"

The woman was furious and stomped to her seat.

"What's the matter?"asked
another passenger.

"The bus driver just insulted me!"

"Well go up there and tell him off
while I hold your monkey."


Blonde Joke

Three pregnant women were having brunch together, discussing pregnancy matter, and the subject of the baby's gender came up.

Brunette: My baby's going to be a boy because when my husband and I conceived, I was on top.

Redhead: My baby is going to be a girl because I was on the bottom.

Blonde (bursting into tears): "My baby's going to be a puppy."


A blonde goes to her gynecologist...

A blonde goes to her gynecologist and tells the doctor that no matter how hard she and her husband have tried, she just can't get pregnant.

The doctor says, OK, take off your clothes and lay down on the table.

The blonde says, Um, all right. But I was really hoping to have my husband's baby.


Guys are a lot like babies...

It doesn't matter what we get for our birthday, all we want to do is play with the box.


A woman hears her husband cussing up a storm From behind the bathroom door.

She knocks and asks, 'honey ,what is it?'
Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, 'The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having and no matter what I do, I just can't get the sucker up my ass. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done, and I tell you it took him forever to get it up there, and it hurt!'
'Poor baby,' says the wife. 'You were probably nervous and tense and he probably wasn't very gentle with you. Here, let me give you the suppository, I don't mind.'
Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on his shoulder to brace him and with the right hand, quickly and easily slips the suppository up her husbands rear end. The husband lets out a bloodcurdling scream.
'My god' says the wife. 'What happened? Did I hurt you?'
'No!' Cries the man,'but I just remembered that when the doctor did it, he had BOTH his hand on my shoulders.


The Mole family

Sorry if it's a repost... There are too many jokes to check them all.

So here goes..

Early one morning, mama mole woke and thought "I smell pancakes and syrup." So she climbed up the tunnel and stuck her nose out of the mole hole to enjoy the aroma. Papa mole followed and squeezed next to her. Baby mole went up too but was stopped because mama and papa left no room. He started crying. Mama mole "What's the matter, can't you smell the syrup?". Baby mole said "No, I can only smell molasses."


An Australian man is walking across Sydney Harbour Bridge when he sees his ex-girlfriend standing on the railings ...

An Australian man is walking across Sydney Harbour Bridge when he sees his ex\-girlfriend standing on the railings, about to commit suicide. He apporaches her and asks:
\- Hey Sheila, what's the matter?
Tears in here eyes, she says:
\- I'm pregnant Bruce, and it's your baby!
To which Bruce replies:
\- Woah Sheila, not only are you brilliant in bed \- you're also a great sport!


I understand why abortion is a touchy subject (NSFW)

Because on one hand I'm all for killing babies but I really don't think women should have a choice in the matter


What's the difference between a normal baby and a matter baby?

So, What's a matter baby?


Would you rather eat 100 bricks or a matter baby?

What's a matter baby?
Nothing, I'm fine sweetie. How are you?


After the baby was baptized, her four-year-old brother was crying inconsolably in the back seat of the car.
"What’s the matter Johnny?" asked his concerned mother.
Johnny replied: "That man said that he hoped our baby would be raised in a good Christian home… I just want her to stay with you guys."


What's the difference between a sandwich and a baby?

Doesn't matter, they both taste the same.


The way I skip you tube Ads ?

I am a man and It doesn't matter what the Ad video is I would skip
But why does girls get caught and her distracted if the Ad had a baby or dog / favourite man?


Nobody puts Baby in a corner.

Or takes her out of one for that matter. Not without dying of cancer.


What do you call a baby born at 4 months gestation?

Doesn't matter, still born.


What are the best Matter Baby puns ?

Did you ever wanted to be joking with someone about Matter Baby? Well, here are the best Matter Baby dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny pranks and Matter Baby pick up lines to share with friends.

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