Matt Jokes

174 matt jokes and hilarious matt puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about matt that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article explores different jokes about Matt, from his name to his blind alter-ego Matt Murdock, to Bob and Dan's comedic duo. Learn how all these characters influence the jokes made about Matt, and enjoy a few laughs from Linda and Brian.

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Funniest Matt Short Jokes

Short matt jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The matt humour may include short matey jokes also.

  1. Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic. AAA: This is AAA, not AA.
    Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.
  2. If the characters were gay, Saving Private Ryan would have been a way shorter film. There is no way a group of gay men would have taken 3 hours to find Matt Damon
  3. If Matt Groening wanted to announce he wanted to do an Ask Me Anything... Would he say Future-AMA?
  4. Matt LeBlanc was just announced as the newest presenter on BBC's Top Gear It may be a challenge for him, on his last show it's like he was always stuck in second gear
  5. George Clooney Matt Damon and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie. George said: I'll Direct
    Matt Damon said: I'll produce
    Matthew McConaughey said: ill write ill write ill wriite
  6. My mate wears the same jacket when he's impersonating either Matt Damon or Hugh Jackman. Maybe he's Bourne with it, maybe it's Wolverine.
  7. Alex- Have you heard? Professor Smith from our apartment house is gay!
    Matt - Wow, what a surprise! I have been sleeping with him for half a year, but never knew he was a professor...
  8. New variant is called Omicron, the 15th letter of the Greek alphabet. Futurama had Omicronians.
    Matt Groening is from the future.
  9. What's the difference between Jesus Christ and Matt Gaetz? Matt Gaetz is not coming back after he's crucified
  10. If gay men were allowed in the army back in WWII, Saving Private Ryan would be a lot shorter... Because there is no way it would take 3 hours for a group of gay men to find Matt Damon.

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Matt One Liners

Which matt one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with matt? I can suggest the ones about mats and mike.

  1. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door? Matt.
  2. What do you call a quadriplegic laying on the floor? Matt.
  3. What does Matt Damon call it when he shops for cheap clothes? Goodwill Hunting
  4. What do you call a communist dog? Karl Barx
    Shout-out to "Matt & Tom" for that 😊
  5. What's it called when Matt Damon goes searching for a thrift store? Goodwill hunting
  6. What do you call a quadruple amputee waiting by your door? Matt
  7. What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your front porch? Matt
  8. What does Matt Damon call thrift shopping? Goodwill Hunting.
  9. How do you sabotage a space mission ? Send Matt Damon
  10. What do you call a guy who has no arms, no legs, and is stuck in front of a door? Matt
  11. My friend Matt really likes bullfighting. Specifically, Mattadores bullfighting
  12. What do you call a man with no arms or legs? Matt
  13. What do you name a boy with no arms and no legs? Matt
  14. What do you call a guy with a rug on his head? Matt
  15. What do you call someone without arms or legs Matt

Matt Damon Jokes

Here is a list of funny matt damon jokes and even better matt damon puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Matt Damon is to star in a new movie about a man who has accepted Jesus as his Savior or Redeemer. The Bourne Again Christian
  • I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and have planned to get my revenge with Matt Damon ever since. I'll make him wish he'd never been Bourne.
  • What did Matt Damon do when he went looking for a used sports coat? He went Goodwill Hunting
  • Some diseases are airborne, some are waterborne... But the Matt Damon disease is Jason Bourne
  • Matt Damon's movie "The Great Wall", has had it's release date postponed... Seems the Mexicans haven't paid for it yet.
  • What does Johnny Depp, Dave Pirner and Matt Damon have in common? They were all Winona Riders.
  • Did you hear about the Bourne identity movie? Matt Damon returns in ..........Still Bourne
  • What were the odds that Matt Damon made it off Mars? Astronomical
  • What do you call a baby Matt Damon? A new-Bourne
  • Glad to see Matt Damon nominated for Best Actor. I honestly believe he is the Best Actor on the planet.

Matt Lauer Jokes

Here is a list of funny matt lauer jokes and even better matt lauer puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I guess the reason they could never find Matt Lauer is because... there are no cameras in the girls locker rooms.
  • You know it may upset people that Matt Lauer is no longer on the Today show But look on the bright side, Now everyday is where in the world is Matt Lauer.
  • What do Matt Lauer and Santa have in common? They both only come when you are asleep.
  • Did you hear about Matt Lauer? More like Matt Plow her without consent, amiright?
  • By firing one of its most veteran journalists, NBC is sending a clear message… *'Where In the World Is Matt Lauer?'* is going to be a lot harder this year.
  • Have you heard about Matt Lauer ?
  • 'Where in the World is Matt Lauer?' Locked away in his office with an unsuspecting woman.
  • Where in the universe is Matt Lauer? Uranus
  • Where in the world is Matt Lauer?
  • All these accusations of s**... misconduct... And they thought Matt Lauer lost his touch
Matt joke, All these accusations of s**... misconduct...

Bob And Matt Jokes

Here is a list of funny bob and matt jokes and even better bob and matt puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call a man with no arms and legs Floating in a lake?
    Sitting at your doorstep?
  • What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the water? Bob.
    On the wall? Art.
    On the floor? Matt.
  • What do you call a man with no arms & no legs... ...hanging on the wall? Art
    ...floating in the sea? Bob
    ...laying on the floor? Matt
    ...down in a hole? Phil
    ...sitting in a p**...? Stu

Matt Groening Jokes

Here is a list of funny matt groening jokes and even better matt groening puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My friend kept on trying to tell jokes with famous people's names in them, but he always mispronounced them. We were Matt Groening the whole time.

The Name Matt Jokes

Here is a list of funny the name matt jokes and even better the name matt puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Had a friend that loves to lay on my front porch in front of my door all day. His name was Matt
  • In a world where you get what rhymes with your name... Candy for Mandy. Cats for Matt... Poor Nick...
  • My mom asked me the other day, "Joe, do you think I'm a bad mother?" My name is Matt.
  • A pickup line for people named Matt. "Hey girl, you should sleep with me, my name's short for mattress." (Just made it up today, please don't hate me.)
  • What's the dullest name on the world? Matt Black
  • What was the hurricane's reaction when some joker tried to shorten his name to Matt? Hew hew hew.
  • A man named Matt works as a doorman... He's a DoorMatt
  • The UK public are being too rough on Matt Hancock.. It's not his fault, being a w**...'s in his name.
Matt joke, The UK public are being too rough on Matt Hancock..

Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Matt Jokes and Friends

What funny jokes about matt you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mick jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make matt pranks.

Matthew McConaughey and Andre 3000 released an album together.

The reviews were
AlrightAlrightAlright AlrightAlrightAlright AlrightAlrightAlright AlrightAlrightAlright

Matthew McConaughey says he saw a ghost.

It was all white, all white, all white.

Quadriplegic jokes I've gathered from over the years.

What do you call a quadriplegic that hangs on your wall?
What do you call a quadriplegic that lays on your porch?
What do you call a quadriplegic that is in a hole?
What do you call a quadriplegic in a ditch?
What do you call a quadriplegic doing water ski jumps?
What do you call a quadriplegic floating in the water?
What do you call a quadriplegic playing in a pile of leaves?
What do you call a quadriplegic inside of your mail box?

more dad-jokes (the limb-less edition)

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your front door?
The neighborhood kids came to Timmy's house and asked if he could come out to play. "Shame on you kids," says Timmy's mom. "Don't you know Timmy doesn't have any arms or legs? He can't play with you."
"But we're playing baseball and we need a home base."

Matt Schaub and Eli Manning walk into a bar. What happened?

They order a beer sampler and the bartender tells them to pick 6.

g**... in the military

If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn't take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon.

It doesn't matter how much you move the envelope

It'll still be stationary.

No matter how much I love cake..

I would never dessert you.

No matter how hard I tried to push the envelope...

It was still stationery.

My buddy's first b**...

My buddy Matt walks into a bar goes up to the bartender and asks for 5 shots of whiskey.
Bartender looks wide eyed and says, "5 shots?! whats the occasion young fella?"
Matt says, "My first b**..."
Bartender replies, "First b**... eh? you know what? Ill give you a sixth shot, on the house. Congrats!"
Matt, disgusted, looks at the barkeep and says, "6?!?! Are you kidding? If 5 shots wont get the taste out of my mouth, I don't know what will!"

No matter how much you push an envelope

It will always be stationary

How do you get to Matthew McConaughey's house?

A right a right a right

It doesn't matter if you're black or white.

Unless my wife just gave birth to you.

What did Matthew McConaughey say when he saw this year's Oscar nominees?

All white, all white, all whiiiiiiiite...

No matter which doctor I go to for a general checkup, they all hit me on the knee.

I think they get a kick out of it.

"Hello Mr. Ress, how have you been?" asked the psychologist.

"I feel as though people use me as something to fall back on." he replied.
"And why do you think that is, Matt?"

No matter how hard you push the envelope it's still stationary.

thanks dad!

Three actors are deciding on roles for a movie about classical music.

Matt Damon, Brad Pitt and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all taking part in a new movie about classical composers.
"I think I'll play Beethoven!" declared Matt.
"I'd like the role of Mozart!" Brad decided.
"I'll be Bach." said Arnie.

No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first canadian president, or the last president.

No matter how bad things get, at least I have my fingers!

I know I can always count on them.

No matter how kind you are...

No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.

What's the matter?

Hydrogen, mostly.

No matter who wins the election they are going to have a build a wall on the southern border

of Canada.

Mattel released a Muslim Barbie...

It's a blow-up doll.

What is matthew mcconaughey favorite bread?

All rye all rye

What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar?

"The girls get older, but he stays the same age"
-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)

No matter if you are American or European

9/11 is a sad date

No matter how popular they get..

... antibiotics are never going viral.

Matthew McConaughey set to guest edit Breibart news next week

Alt-Right Alt-Right Alt-Right

No matter how quick you pull out..

..the ATM machine always beeps.

It's only a matter of time before Canada conquers the world...

...then we'll all be sorry.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?

That same guy in your pool? Bob
Same guy in your hot tub? Stew
Sitting under your car that's missing a wheel? Jack
Same guy on your porch? Matt
Same guy getting hit with a baseball bat? Homer
Same guy lying in a pile of leaves? Russel
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen
Chinese girl with the same condition? Irene.

It doesn't matter how much one pushes the envelope

It will always be stationery.

It's not what's on the outside that matters...

What matters is what you look like n**....

Where does Matthew McConaughey sit politically?

Alt right alt right alt right

Who did Matthew McConaughey blame in the protests in Charlottesville?

Alt-right, alt-right, alt-right.

No matter how hard I try, I always seem to be going round in circles.

Having a broken arm while in a wheelchair isn't ideal.

No matter what State you live in, louisiana is always close to it.

I guess you could say it's always close Bayou.

No matter how unreliable your mental math skills...

You can always count on your fingers

Doesn't matter how lit you are...

Rubbish is litter.

No matter what they say, you matter.

Unless you get multiplied by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy

No matter how much you push the envelope.

It'll still be stationery.

No matter what they tell you, ear s**... simply isn't a good idea

That's how you end up with hearing aids


Unless you're travelling with the speed of light, in which case YOU ENERGY!

I'm sorry, but no matter how attractive they are, I will never be able to date a baker.

They're too kneady.

Mattel made Uno™ a "sequel" called Dos™

Legend says they started on the next one, but they disappeared without a Tres™...

What do you call Matt Damon when he haunts a carpet store?

Mat d**...

Why does Matthew McConaughey only watch NASCAR in a mirror?

So the turns are all right all right all right.

No matter how far you manage to throw a piece of paper

It is still stationery.

No matter how nice you are...

German children will always be kinder

Matthew McConaughey just bought NASCAR

And he's making racers drive the opposite direction. Now instead of making left turns, they're going all right, all right, all right

What did Matthew McConaughey say to me when he found out I made a joke that didn't make the front page?

"It'd be a lot cooler if you did."

No matter what one says about Putin

It's tough running two countries single handedly

No matter what s**... role play idea my wife decides on, I always have to play the same character.

The husband who is out of town.

Would you rather eat 100 bricks or a matter baby?

What's a matter baby?
Nothing, I'm fine sweetie. How are you?

What's the difference between a normal baby and a matter baby?

So, What's a matter baby?

Gordon the Gopher Joke

I'm not surprised about Philip Schofield. Growing up I remember him presenting with Gordon the Gopher from inside that closet! Joking aside, that cannot have been an easy statement to make. People come out at different stages in their lives. Good luck Philip xxxx

It doesn't matter how badly you want to, you just can't fight Destiny...

Because then you'd have to fight the bouncers and the other strippers too.

It doesn't matter if you're black, white, old, young, tall, short or even if you're from another country. It's what's INSIDE that counts!

I love you refrigerator!

No matter how generous and caring your children are...

German children are kinder.

[OC] What's Matthew Mcconaughey's favourite Pokemon?

_Rhydon rhydon rydon_

Matty Johns h**... joke

You can see the photoshopped image of h**... in the crowd at Manly's NRL match with Canterbury at Gosford's Central Coast Stadium.

Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery...

Matthew: "Can I get three loaves of bread please?"
Baker: "What type do you want sir?"
Matthew: "All rye, all rye, all rye."

What mattresses do Lannisters use ?

They push two twins together to make a king.

No matter what you think of the celebrities commenting on how we handle the current crisis, you should ALWAYS listen to music producers.

They give sound advice.

No matter how kind you are,

German children are always Kinder.

Matt joke, No matter how kind you are,

jokes about matt