The Best 68 Matt Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Matt jokes. There are some matt phil jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these matt matte puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Matt Jokes and Puns

Matthew McConaughey and Andre 3000 released an album together.

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Quadriplegic jokes I've gathered from over the years.

What do you call a quadriplegic that hangs on your wall?

Art.

What do you call a quadriplegic that lays on your porch?

Matt.

What do you call a quadriplegic that is in a hole?

Doug.

What do you call a quadriplegic in a ditch?

Phil.

What do you call a quadriplegic doing water ski jumps?

Skip.

What do you call a quadriplegic floating in the water?

Bob.

What do you call a quadriplegic playing in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

What do you call a quadriplegic inside of your mail box?

Bill.

What do you call a quadriplegic laying on the floor?

Matt.

Matt joke, What do you call a quadriplegic laying on the floor?

Alex- Have you heard? Professor Smith from our apartment house is gay!


Matt - Wow, what a surprise! I have been sleeping with him for half a year, but never knew he was a professor...

more dad-jokes (the limb-less edition)

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

Bob.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your front door?

Matt.

The neighborhood kids came to Timmy's house and asked if he could come out to play. "Shame on you kids," says Timmy's mom. "Don't you know Timmy doesn't have any arms or legs? He can't play with you."

"But we're playing baseball and we need a home base."


Matt Schaub and Eli Manning walk into a bar. What happened?

They order a beer sampler and the bartender tells them to pick 6.

Gays in the military

If gay men were allowed in the army, Saving Private Ryan will be a lot shorter, because it wouldn't take them 3 hours to find Matt Damon.

Matt joke, Gays in the military

It doesn't matter how much you move the envelope

It'll still be stationary.

No matter how hard I tried to push the envelope...

It was still stationery.

My mate wears the same jacket when he's impersonating either Matt Damon or Hugh Jackman.

Maybe he's Bourne with it, maybe it's Wolverine.

My buddy's first blow job

My buddy Matt walks into a bar goes up to the bartender and asks for 5 shots of whiskey.
Bartender looks wide eyed and says, "5 shots?! whats the occasion young fella?"
Matt says, "My first blow job"
Bartender replies, "First blow job eh? you know what? Ill give you a sixth shot, on the house. Congrats!"
Matt, disgusted, looks at the barkeep and says, "6?!?! Are you kidding? If 5 shots wont get the taste out of my mouth, I don't know what will!"

You can explore matt linda reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean matt danny dad jokes. There are also matt puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


How do you get to Matthew McConaughey's house?

A right a right a right

It doesn't matter if you're black or white.

Unless my wife just gave birth to you.

How do you sabotage a space mission ?

Send Matt Damon

What does Matt Damon call thrift shopping?

Goodwill Hunting.

What did Matt Damon do when he went looking for a used sports coat?

He went Goodwill Hunting

Matt joke, What did Matt Damon do when he went looking for a used sports coat?

No matter how hard you push the envelope it's still stationary.

thanks dad!

Matt LeBlanc was just announced as the newest presenter on BBC's Top Gear

It may be a challenge for him, on his last show it's like he was always stuck in second gear

No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic.

We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.ο»Ώ


No matter how bad things get, at least I have my fingers!

I know I can always count on them.

No matter how kind you are...

No matter how kind you are, German kids are kinder.

Mattel released a Muslim Barbie...

It's a blow-up doll.

What is matthew mcconaughey favorite bread?

All rye all rye

What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar?

"The girls get older, but he stays the same age"

-first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)

No matter if you are American or European

9/11 is a sad date

I was beaten to a lead role in a film, and have planned to get my revenge with Matt Damon ever since.

I'll make him wish he'd never been Bourne.

No matter how popular they get..

... antibiotics are never going viral.

Matthew McConaughey set to guest edit Breibart news next week

Alt-Right Alt-Right Alt-Right

What does Matt Damon call it when he shops for cheap clothes?

Goodwill Hunting

It's only a matter of time before Canada conquers the world...

...then we'll all be sorry.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on your front porch?

Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?

Art.

That same guy in your pool? Bob

Same guy in your hot tub? Stew

Sitting under your car that's missing a wheel? Jack

Same guy on your porch? Matt

Same guy getting hit with a baseball bat? Homer

Same guy lying in a pile of leaves? Russel

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen

Chinese girl with the same condition? Irene.

It doesn't matter how much one pushes the envelope

It will always be stationery.

Who did Matthew McConaughey blame in the protests in Charlottesville?

Alt-right, alt-right, alt-right.

If Matt Groening wanted to announce he wanted to do an Ask Me Anything...

Would he say Future-AMA?

What do you call a communist dog?

Karl Barx

Shout-out to "Matt & Tom" for that 😊

Doesn't matter how lit you are...

Rubbish is litter.

No matter what they say, you matter.

Unless you get multiplied by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy

No matter how much you push the envelope.

It'll still be stationery.

If gay men were allowed in the army back in WWII, Saving Private Ryan would be a lot shorter...

Because there is no way it would take 3 hours for a group of gay men to find Matt Damon.

No matter what they tell you, ear sex simply isn't a good idea

That's how you end up with hearing aids

YOU MATTER!

Unless you're travelling with the speed of light, in which case YOU ENERGY!

Mattel made Unoβ„’ a "sequel" called Dosβ„’

Legend says they started on the next one, but they disappeared without a Tresβ„’...

What do you call Matt Damon when he haunts a carpet store?

Mat Demon

No matter how nice you are...

German children will always be kinder

Matthew McConaughey just bought NASCAR

And he's making racers drive the opposite direction. Now instead of making left turns, they're going all right, all right, all right

No matter what sexual role play idea my wife decides on, I always have to play the same character.

The husband who is out of town.

George Clooney Matt Damon and Matthew McConaughey got together to make a movie.

George said: I'll Direct

Matt Damon said: I'll produce

Matthew McConaughey said: ill write ill write ill wriite

It doesn't matter how badly you want to, you just can't fight Destiny...

Because then you'd have to fight the bouncers and the other strippers too.

It doesn't matter if you're black, white, old, young, tall, short or even if you're from another country. It's what's INSIDE that counts!

I love you refrigerator!

No matter how generous and caring your children are...

German children are kinder.

Matty Johns Hitler joke

You can see the photoshopped image of Hitler in the crowd at Manly's NRL match with Canterbury at Gosford's Central Coast Stadium.

Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery...

Matthew: "Can I get three loaves of bread please?"

Baker: "What type do you want sir?"

Matthew: "All rye, all rye, all rye."

No matter what you think of the celebrities commenting on how we handle the current crisis, you should ALWAYS listen to music producers.

They give sound advice.

No matter how kind you are,

German children are always Kinder.

If the characters were gay, Saving Private Ryan would have been a way shorter film.

There is no way a group of gay men would have taken 3 hours to find Matt Damon

Matthew McConaughey, Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt decide to make a movie together.

Of course, they are going to need roles for each other, but none of them can decide what they want to do. They argue over this for hours, until Leonardo finally decides he wants to direct, since he is the best with cameras. Eventually, Brad Pitt decides he wants to produce, since he's the one with the most money. Now there's only one left; McConaughey. DiCaprio turns to him and says,

Well what does that leave you with?

Matthew thinks about this for a while, until he finally turns to the two of them.

I'll write, I'll write, I'll write.

What do you call a quadruple amputee waiting by your door?

Matt

Me: My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic.

AAA: This is AAA, not AA.

Me: Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake.

It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...

It's night.

No matter how kind you are

German children are Kinder

What did Matthew McConaughey say to his publisher about his long awaited upcoming book?

I'll write, I'll write, I'll write!

Doesn't matter if you are tall or short, fat or thin, black or white, at the end of the day...

It will be night time.

It doesn't matter if you're gay, straight, or bisexual. At the end of the day,

It's night

Matthew McConaughey was spotted during the Capital Hill protests

When asked to comment what he saw he simply said,

Alt Right, Alt Right, Alt Right

It doesn't matter how kind you think your child is.

German children will always be kinder.

No matter how much I love cake…

Never gonna run around and desert you

No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

I play a little guitar!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the matt jamie jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working matt jeremy piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes