Mating Jokes
64 mating jokes and hilarious mating puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mating that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Mating Short Jokes
Short mating jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mating humour may include short breeding jokes also.
- A mugger jumps out in front of a university student... ...and shouts "your money or your life!"
The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a computer science student. I don't have either". - My mate phoned me and asked what I was doing. "Probably failing my driving test," I replied.
- I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something.
- So how long are you in for? I asked my cell mate. Only for a couple of minutes, then I'm usually done he replied as he carried on thrusting.
- I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week. Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".
He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".
So I handed him the cake and said "check mate". - I told my mate I'd built a model of the Himalayas. He said "To scale?"
I said "No, just to look at" - Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night. Who is the australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?
Rihanna, mate. - My mate just hired an Eastern european cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
- My mate just watched the Chernobyl documentary and, having grown up in Ukraine in the 1980s, he was pretty mad. And I get it, too. He counted at least eight historical inaccuracies on one hand.
- It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling. They had a great time, he would have loved it
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Mating One Liners
Which mating one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mating? I can suggest the ones about reproduction and males mate.
- I'm starting a new dating service in Prague. It's called Czech-Mate.
- What do you call 2 monkeys that share an amazon account? Prime mates.
- My mate David was a victim of ID theft Now we just call him Dav
- Why did Cruz pick Carly Fiorina as his running mate? To lay off his campaign staff.
- Male bees die after mating. That's basically their entire lives. Honey. nut. Cheerio.
- I'm never going to find a soul mate. I really only find redheads attractive.
- My house-mate is terrified of negative numbers He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
- How do Australians know who won the chess game? They check, mate.
- I married a European chess master. He's my Czech mate.
- Male bees die after mating. -And that's why they call it a honey nut cheerio
- How did the Australian pay for his new chess set? Cheque, mate.
- I've never been good at chess. Unlike my Czech mate.
- Our mate David had his ID stolen We've started calling him Dav
- I played chess with my friend from Central Europe. Czech mate.
- Why do lions only mate in the summer? Because the pride cometh before the fall
Mating Season Jokes
Here is a list of funny mating season jokes and even better mating season puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When do Pirates acquire their crew? During mating season
- Why is it best to be inside by dark during Xenomorph mating season? They moistly only come out at night...moistly.
- Male preying mantises when mating season starts: finally! Male preying mantises after mating season:
- Guy1: Hey mate Guy2: Nah, it's not my mating season yet
- What do American school canteens season their food with? Mono Sodium Shoot-ya-mates
- What do you call insects of the order Mantodea during mating season? Laying mantises.
- What do you call seagulls during mating season? \#relationshipgulls
- Have you herd? Its mating season at chick-fil-a today
Giggle-Inducing Mating Jokes for Joyful Times with Friends
What funny jokes about mating you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mate jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mating pranks.
Mating call of a blonde...
"Hee hee, I think I'm a little drunk!"
A farmer goes to the market to buy a rooster
He sees one he likes, so he asks the seller:"Is he any good for mating?"
"Oh, no problem there, he s**... every single chicken I had. He even tries to screw ducks, turkeys, even pigs!"
"Then why" asks the puzzled farmer "are you even selling him?"
"You see" answers the seller "lately he's been looking at me kinda funny."
What is a blonde's mating call?
''NEXT!''
What's the mating call for a University of Alabama student?
"I'm soo ddrrrruunnkk!"
Why do Pandas have such a hard time mating in captivity?
Because all of their broads are in Atlanta
What comes out of the mating of a donkey and a bunny?
the bunny's eyes
What do you call bug mating?
INSEX
Did you know that pigeons die shortly after mating?
At least the three I dated did...
TIL Every animal has its own specific mating call
A bird sings, a frog croaks, a badger clickets, a grasshopper chirps, a deer croons, and I beg.
A guy takes his family to see monkeys in a zoo...
Unfortunately, the monkeys are indoors furiously mating. The guy asks the keeper, ''Would they come out for a few nuts?'' The keeper replied, ''Would you? ''
Birds that have mating rituals...
I bet they just wing it.
They say a man's attractiveness is tied to his chess ability...
Unfortunately, I'm really bad at mating.
What's the mating call of a blond?
"Oh, I'm *so* drunk!"
What's the mating call of a brunette?
"Are all of the blonds gone?"
What's the mating call of a ginger?
"Next!"
Dating is
Dating is just one D away from mating.
I was reading an article that said alligators aren't mating this summer
Scientists blamed it on reptile dysfunction
Woman can't get mating dogs apart
A woman had two dogs that she hadn't had fixed, but always kept them from mating. One night she wakes up at 2 AM to this terrible howling.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and is unable to separate them.
She called her vet ,who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his e**... and he will be able to withdraw.
Do you think that will work? she asked.
Just worked for me, he replied.
At a pig farm a father and son come across two pigs mating. The boy asks what they are doing.
To which the father replies "giving him a piggy back ride"
What is it called when a King and Queen have no children?
A stale mating.
A p**... and a czechoslovakian went missing in a forest.
A search party of hunters formed and they went looking for the two and came upon two very large bears mating. They shot and killed the bears and cut the female bear open and found the p**...'s remains in her belly. One of the hunters replied "I guess the Czech's in the male"
Recent studies show that chimps raised in captivity are more likely to reproduce if they are shown videos of other chimps mating in the wild.
monkey see monkey do monkey, monkey do monkey
What's the result of of seal and a quail's mating?
A squeal.
What do you call a mating aardvark?
A haardvark
The female Praying Mantis devours the male right after mating.
It's easier to collect life insurance than child support.
Two human can multiply to produce more humans by mating. But two imaginary human can't multiply to produce more imaginary humans.
The resulting human will be negative.
I was hunting a deer making its mating sound
At least it got penetrated
I was really excited when this girl I know sent me a video named 101 mating positions .
Turns out it was a tutorial on how to play chess.
I heard male bees die after mating.
I call that a honey nut cheerio.
(Stole it off of twitter)
For Me, Chess is a Lot Like Tinder
I know a few openings, but continually struggle to put myself into mating positions
President Calvin Coolidge and his wife were being shown separately around an experimental farm
When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, "Dozens of times each day."
Mrs. Coolidge said, "Tell that to the President when he comes by."
When the President came by the henhouse, the guide dutifully told him what his wife had said.
"Same hen every time?" the President asked.
"Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time."
The President nodded his head. "Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge."
Me: You know, the female black widow spider kills the male spider after mating. I don't understand why?
Wife: I'm pretty sure it's to stop the male from snoring before it starts
For me, chess is a lot like Tinder...
I know a few openings, but struggle to get into mating positions
My wife and I do a lot of mating.
I think we may have a chess addiction.
A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.
One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.
When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.
"Don't bother competing with that guy," says the other old bull. "You're too old. He'd laugh at you."
"I'm not trying to compete with him," replies the first old bull. "I just want him to know I'm not a cow."
The frog population in the Okeefenokee Swamp was declining...
Biologists determined it was due to the frogs inability to stay coupled while mating. They contacted an organic chemist at MIT who came up with a solution. He mixed some plasticizers with some adhesive and most importantly one part sodium. The concoction worked perfectly and the swamp was soon re-populated with frogs. The biologists wondered why the sodium was so important. The chemist replied: The frogs needed monosodium glutamate
What do Zoologists and Chess players both get excited over?
Mating patterns
