Maths Jokes

Following is our collection of mathematic humor and triggernometry one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Maths puns for adults, dirty yo mama math jokes or clean knock knock math gags for kids.

There is an abundance of calculust jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 64 funniest jokes on maths. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any the math lesson witze you can hear about maths.

The Best jokes about Maths

I asked my maths teacher, "Will we ever use any of this algebra?"

She said, "You won't, but some of the smart kids might."

Why did the mermaid rush out of her maths exam, red faced and embarrassed?

Because her algaebra didn't hold up.

This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "

I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.

It's called making the little things count.

I started teaching Maths to midgets in my area.

I'm making little things count.


My maths teacher never goes outside

I can tell, cos there's no sin of his tan

What is the average maths teacher like?

Mean

What does a mermaid wear to a Maths class ?

An algaebra.

Note: Not my original. I had read this somewhere a few years ago. Kudos to the original creator.

I taught my maths class how to use a protractor,

with varying degrees of success.

What I need is to find a woman who loves me for my money ...

but doesn't understand maths.

- Mike Birbiglia

A recent study shows that masturbating twice weekly increases life expectancy by 20%. I've done the maths. I am immortal.


little Johnny

Was sitting in class doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "'Cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you now; If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop: one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."

$200

Little Johnny was in his maths class one day when the teacher said to him "If I gave you $200," the teacher began," and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally, $50 to Susan and $50 to Amy, what would you have?"

"An orgy," Johnny answered.

A Grand Prize

I phoned my local radio station today.

When the guy answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize."

"Wahoo!" I shouted in delight.

"It's a Maths question," he said. "Feeling
confident?"


"I've got a degree in Maths and I teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.

"Okay then, to win 2 VIP tickets to see Justin Bieber and to meet him back stage afterwards, what's 2+2?"

"7," I replied.

Two kids are hurrying to school on their bikes to get there for their maths exam.

They get into a car accident on the way and have to be rushed to hospital.

In hospital they're surrounded by friends and family, and their maths teacher keeps trying to get into the room and is repeatedly told off by the doctors.

Later that night the teacher sneaks in. Waking the kids up, he says

"finally, here's the exam papers that you both need to complete."

Suddenly the light comes on and an angry doctor says "I have told you so many times you are not allowed in here, what do you think you are doing?"

The maths teacher points to the exams - "just testing your patients."

Saw this one in my maths class

Student: Sir I'm cold!
Teacher: Go and stand in the corner then.
Student: Why would I do that?
Teacher: Because it's 90 degrees over there.

An elementary school teacher is asking a student a Maths question

Teacher: "Ok, Jimmy. If I gave you two cats and another two cats, how many cats would you have?"

Jimmy: "Five!"

Teacher: "No, Jimmy. Let me ask you another way. If I give you two apples and I give you another two apples, how many apples would you have?"

Jimmy: "Four!"

Teacher: "Good, Jimmy! Now if I gave you two cats and another two cats, how many cats would you have?"

Jimmy: "Five!"

Teacher: "Jimmy! That is incorrect! Why are you answering with five?"

Jimmy: "Because I already have a cat!"

Maths lesson

Jimmy comes home from school and his mum asks him what he's learned
today. "I learned that if I have three apples and Jenny gives me two more apples, I'll have five apples."

"That's right," says his mum. "So if you have four bananas and I give you three more, how many will you have?"

"Dunno. We haven't done bananas yet."

I took the girl from my maths class on a date

We met for a few drinks at the bar on campus. After a while I took a look around the room.

"Wow, you're the most average girl in here."

"What?! You're mean!" She screamed.

"No, you are."


I used to think maths was useless

but then one day I realised that decimals had a point

Statistics

I teach statistics and none of my students think what they're doing is useful and I think I finally have a story to prove them wrong.

Once I was at a party and this girl comes up to me and says "Tom, walk me to my car. It's getting late and I don't want to be raped."

I didn't really want to walk her to her car so I used maths and statistics to get out of it. I said "You know, statistically, you're less likely to get raped if you walk to your car alone than if you walk to your car with me..."

- Tom Gannon

I just blew it!

A local FM Radio was running a contest, and I phoned in. The Radio Jockey said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you have to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our grand prize."

"That's fantastic!" I shouted in delight.

"Feel confident?" she asked. "It's a maths question."

"Well, I've got a degree in Maths" I replied.

"O.k then, to win our grand prize of 2 front row seats for Trump's next speech and to meet him back stage, followed by dinner with him... What is 2+2 ?"

"767.37" I replied,

The chancellor of the university is complaining to the dean of physics...

"We need to cut costs!" He says. "All this complex technology you guys use! Why can't you be more like the Maths department? All they need is pencils, paper and wastebaskets!"

"Better still," says the dean of physics, "we could be like the philosophy department. All they need is the pencils and paper."

One of the kids I'm tutoring told me this joke today: What maths subject do fish study?

Algaebra

Kid comes home with an A in Maths...

"Well, she got my intelligence", says the Mom.
The Dad says:" Yep, and I still got mine."

Maths is like sex..

.. If they're under thirteen just do them in your head

Job interview

A guy goes to a job interview and the interviewer asks " how is your maths skills".
The guy replies " oh, im real fast at maths". The interviewer is curious and decides to test him with some quick-fire questions. "
Interviewer: ok then. 9Γ—5?
The guy quickly responds 50
Interviewer: 10Γ—2
The guy immediately answers back again "32"
The interviewer is puzzled and says "those answers were both wrong. youre absolutely terrible at math"
To which the guy responds "yeah, but im fast at it"

As an atheist I find tell my maths teacher I shouldn't have to solve exponential factors

because I don't believe in higher powers

I get turned on by my Maths teacher...

... because she is the reciprocal of cosC

If I had a dollar for every maths exam I failed

I'd have about $6.50 right now

Maths Question (Muslim version)

Question 1) If Mohammad has 3 apples and gives one to Hassan and one to Ahmed, what is the radius of the explosion?

What do you call a Parrot that loves maths and hates food?

a polynomeal

Just been sacked from my dream job as a maths teacher. Been there since 2010

What a waste of 15 years!

I failed a lot of maths exams

More than I can count

My abacus is really reliable for simple maths.

You can count on it.

#10yearchallenge

2001: Terrible at maths
2008: Great at maths

Mike Tyson fires a nuke at his maths teacher.

It was a weapon of math destruction.
I'm so sorry.

The power of Maths

One day, a box wouldn't open, a Lawyer came, applied all the laws he knew, it didn't open, a Chemist came, applied all reactions he knew, and the box wouldn't open, a Physicist came, applied all forces, it still didn't open, then a Mathematician came and said : " Let's assume the box is open "

What's a SJW's favorite maths topic?

Triggernometry

I was doing 69 with my maths teacher but she died halfway through

I guess that made it a 33.5

I was really bad in school.

I failed maths so many times, I can't even count.

If I had 60p everytime I got a maths question wrong...

I would have about Β£6.30 right now.

I am 70% lame, 50% ugly

and the remaining % good in maths

What does a calf use to do maths?

A cowculator.

My friend was having trouble with a maths question - They couldn't decide if a number was real or imaginary

I told them not to try and simplify something so complex.

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe...

..He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, maths and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."

There are 3 types of students in my school.

Those that are good at maths and those that are bad.

A man owned a Greek island, but there so much paperwork that came with tourists travelling there that he always had to sit inside working. Eventually, he decided to pass the island on to someone else. This way he could spend more time outside and focus on his real passion - maths.

So, he signed over Kos and got a tan instead.

[math][star wars]{no spoilers}

What do you call the derivative of the First-order in Star Wars?


The second-order.

Why do feminists dislike maths?

There's an XY axis but no XX axis.

What's got three thumbs and is bad at maths?

THIS guy!

If you have 12 chocolates and you give

Maths teacher: "If you have 12 chocolates and you give

5 to Priya,

3 to Sonia and

2 to Penny then what will you get?"

"3 new Girlfriends!"

I mailed my maths homework to Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Queen Elizabeth II

...it said to give my answers to 3 significant figures.

I recently lost a friend because he disliked maths.

He hates topology and that is what mostly torus apart.

Maths Teacher told us this spicy one today

A college math professor and his wife are both 60 years old.
One evening the wife comes home and finds a note from her husband.
It says: "My dear, now that you are 60 years old, there are some things you no longer do for me. I am at the Holiday Inn with my 20-year-old student. Don't bother waiting up for me."
He returns home late that night to find a note from his wife: "You, my dear, are also 60 years old and there are also things I need that you're not giving me. So, I am at the Motel 6 with one of your 20-year-old students. Being a math professor, I'm sure you know that 20 goes into 60 way more than 60 goes into 20. So, don't YOU wait up for ME."

Maths teacher: What is line?

A genius answered : A line is a dot, going for a walk....

My girlfriend said I was terrible at maths.

So I did a 360 and left.

How do nerds relieve their sexual frustration?

They maths debate.

Why the Dinosaurs Died

It has been shown that the moon is moving away from us at a tiny (but measurable) distance each year. Therefore, if you do the maths, you will find that eighty-five million years ago it would've killed many, if not all the dinosaurs, by orbiting at an elevation of approximately thirty-five feet.

[Maths] What does a spline say?

"Draw me like one of your French curves."

If I had to describe myself in three words, I would say.

"Not very good at maths

What is Tumblr's favourite branch of maths?

Trigger-nometry... I'll see myself out.

When I was a young boy, I was bad at Maths

I was so bad that I was expelled from my school for failing that subject so often. Because of this, my father sent me to Catholic school and after going for a year, my grades improved. The reason being, the second I walked through that door and saw the guy nailed to the fricking plus sign, I knew this school meant business.

A maths teachers husband buys an Aston Martin.

He pulls up into the drive of their house, eagerly awaiting his wife's response.

Instead, she looks angry and horrified. She storm up to his window and says "You ALWAYS leech off of MY money!"

"W-What?"

"LOOK AT YOU! I don't know HOW you earned this car!"

"Why?"

"YOU DIDN'T DO THE WORKING FOR IT!"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes