The Best 65 Maths Jokes

As an atheist I find tell my maths teacher I shouldn't have to solve exponential factors

because I don't believe in higher powers

The chancellor of the university is complaining to the dean of physics...

"We need to cut costs!" He says. "All this complex technology you guys use! Why can't you be more like the Maths department? All they need is pencils, paper and wastebaskets!"

"Better still," says the dean of physics, "we could be like the philosophy department. All they need is the pencils and paper."

What I need is to find a woman who loves me for my money ...

but doesn't understand maths.

- Mike Birbiglia

Saw this one in my maths class

Student: Sir I'm cold!
Teacher: Go and stand in the corner then.
Student: Why would I do that?
Teacher: Because it's 90 degrees over there.

I was really bad in school.

I failed maths so many times, I can't even count.

$200

Little Johnny was in his maths class one day when the teacher said to him "If I gave you $200," the teacher began," and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally, $50 to Susan and $50 to Amy, what would you have?"

"An orgy," Johnny answered.

What do you call a Parrot that loves maths and hates food?

a polynomeal

A recent study shows that masturbating twice weekly increases life expectancy by 20%. I've done the maths. I am immortal.

What is Tumblr's favourite branch of maths?

Trigger-nometry... I'll see myself out.

I used to think maths was useless

but then one day I realised that decimals had a point

Maths Question (Muslim version)

Question 1) If Mohammad has 3 apples and gives one to Hassan and one to Ahmed, what is the radius of the explosion?

Mike Tyson fires a nuke at his maths teacher.

It was a weapon of math destruction.
I'm so sorry.

I mailed my maths homework to Barack Obama, Vladimir Putin and Queen Elizabeth II

...it said to give my answers to 3 significant figures.

Why the Dinosaurs Died

It has been shown that the moon is moving away from us at a tiny (but measurable) distance each year. Therefore, if you do the maths, you will find that eighty-five million years ago it would've killed many, if not all the dinosaurs, by orbiting at an elevation of approximately thirty-five feet.

What's a SJW's favorite maths topic?

Triggernometry

The power of Maths

One day, a box wouldn't open, a Lawyer came, applied all the laws he knew, it didn't open, a Chemist came, applied all reactions he knew, and the box wouldn't open, a Physicist came, applied all forces, it still didn't open, then a Mathematician came and said : " Let's assume the box is open "

I get turned on by my Maths teacher...

... because she is the reciprocal of cosC

Why do feminists dislike maths?

There's an XY axis but no XX axis.

There are 3 types of students in my school.

Those that are good at maths and those that are bad.

Maths lesson

Jimmy comes home from school and his mum asks him what he's learned
today. "I learned that if I have three apples and Jenny gives me two more apples, I'll have five apples."

"That's right," says his mum. "So if you have four bananas and I give you three more, how many will you have?"

"Dunno. We haven't done bananas yet."

If I had 60p everytime I got a maths question wrong...

I would have about £6.30 right now.

I taught my maths class how to use a protractor,

with varying degrees of success.

If I had a dollar for every maths exam I failed

I'd have about $6.50 right now

When I was a young boy, I was bad at Maths

I was so bad that I was expelled from my school for failing that subject so often. Because of this, my father sent me to Catholic school and after going for a year, my grades improved. The reason being, the second I walked through that door and saw the guy nailed to the fricking plus sign, I knew this school meant business.

I started teaching Maths to midgets in my area.

I'm making little things count.

What's got three thumbs and is bad at maths?

THIS guy!

I took the girl from my maths class on a date

We met for a few drinks at the bar on campus. After a while I took a look around the room.

"Wow, you're the most average girl in here."

"What?! You're mean!" She screamed.

"No, you are."

My friend was having trouble with a maths question - They couldn't decide if a number was real or imaginary

I told them not to try and simplify something so complex.

What does a calf use to do maths?

A cowculator.

Kid comes home with an A in Maths...

"Well, she got my intelligence", says the Mom.
The Dad says:" Yep, and I still got mine."

[Maths] What does a spline say?

"Draw me like one of your French curves."

My maths teacher never goes outside

I can tell, cos there's no sin of his tan

I asked my maths teacher, "Will we ever use any of this algebra?"

She said, "You won't, but some of the smart kids might."

Why did the mermaid rush out of her maths exam, red faced and embarrassed?

Because her algaebra didn't hold up.

What is the average maths teacher like?

Mean

It takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something.

I've done the maths. I'm amazing at unemployment.

If you have 12 chocolates and you give

Maths teacher: "If you have 12 chocolates and you give

5 to Priya,

3 to Sonia and

2 to Penny then what will you get?"

"3 new Girlfriends!"

What do you call the derivative of the First-order in Star Wars?

The second-order.

I was doing 69 with my maths teacher but she died halfway through

I guess that made it a 33.5

How do nerds relieve their sexual frustration?

They maths debate.

A man owned a Greek island, but there so much paperwork that came with tourists travelling there that he always had to sit inside working. Eventually, he decided to pass the island on to someone else. This way he could spend more time outside and focus on his real passion - maths.

So, he signed over Kos and got a tan instead.

My abacus is really reliable for simple maths.

You can count on it.

This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,

"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "

What does a mermaid wear to a Maths class ?

An algaebra.

Note: Not my original. I had read this somewhere a few years ago. Kudos to the original creator.

One of the kids I'm tutoring told me this joke today: What maths subject do fish study?

Algaebra

My girlfriend said I was terrible at maths.

So I did a 360 and left.

#10yearchallenge

2001: Terrible at maths
2008: Great at maths

I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.

It's called making the little things count.

I recently lost a friend because he disliked maths.

He hates topology and that is what mostly torus apart.

I failed a lot of maths exams

More than I can count

Maths is like sex..

.. If they're under thirteen just do them in your head

Just been sacked from my dream job as a maths teacher. Been there since 2010

What a waste of 15 years!

Maths teacher: What is line?

A genius answered : A line is a dot, going for a walk....

I am 70% lame, 50% ugly

and the remaining % good in maths

What does an elephant doing a maths test and Lehman Brothers have in common?

They weren't too big to fail.

If I had 50 cents from every time I failed a maths test

I'd have $8.32

My maths tutor told me to get to his house at ten past one.

So I turned up at eleven but the place was empty.

My teaching career.

I used to teach history, but thats all in the past.

I started teaching biology but my heart wasn't in it.

I tried teaching chemistry, but there were elements i didnt understand.

I was offered a job teaching maths, but something didn't add up.

I was sent to Germany to do food science, that was the wurst.

I've started teaching physics, its got potential.

Maths teacher - Johnny, what's 2+2?

*Johnny counts on his fingers....*

Johnny - FOUR, miss?
Math teacher - yeah, that's right. But you are counting on your fingers...
Put your hands behind your back and tell me what's 3+3?

*Johnny fumbles around..*

Johnny - SIX, miss?
Math teacher - yes, that's right..but you're still counting on your fingers...
Put your hand in your pockets and tell me what's 5+5?

*Johnny fumbles around his pockets...*








Johnny - ELEVEN, Miss??

The son of a bitch

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...

"2+5, the son of a bitch is 7"

"3+6, the son of a bitch is 9"

His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"

"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"

Mom: "Is this how your teacher taught you?"

"Yes mom "

Infuriated mother picked up her cell phone and called the teacher:

"Are you teaching maths to children by saying... 2+2, the son of a bitch is 4?"

There was silence for a moment

Then the teacher started laughing :

"What I taught them was... 2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4."

***

When I was young, I brought a pie to the USA, a pie to Russia, and a pie to North Korea.

All because my maths teacher told me to carry pie to 3 dismal places.

Why did the maths priest cross the road?

He needed to get away from the house of sin.