Mathematic Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero...

Thanks for nothing.

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m.

...and his wife is livid.
You SWORE that you'd be home by 11:45!
"No," slurs the mathematician...
I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12.

A mathematician couldn't remember if he had been with his girlfriend for 1 year or 2.

But he knew it was <3.

I know a mathematician who can't afford lunch.

He can binomial.

A mathematician came home and told his wife, sorry honey, but I'm leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I'll be home in a few hours and I'd like for you to be gone.

He got back home and found a note that read, hi honey, I've left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you'll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.

A mathematician is afraid of flying

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to the small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with his hand luggage. "The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero."

Mathematics is 90% common sense,

the other half is intelligence.

A mathematician, a college professor, and a textbook author walk into a bar.

*[The punchline is left as an exercise for the reader.]*

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m and his wife is livid.
You SWORE that you'd be home by 11:45!
"No," slurs the mathematician I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12.

A mathematician walks home drunk at 3.am

and his wife is fuming. You SWORE that you'd be home by 11:45! "No," slurs the mathematician... I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12.

A Mathematician is given a psychological test.

The first question asked "You see a burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?" After much deliberation, the Mathematician decides he would attach the hose to the hydrant. He is then asked "You see a non-burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?" to which the Mathematician immediately responds, "I'll set the house of fire to reduce this to a problem I've already solved."

What can a mathematician and a pedophile agree upon?

11 is a prime number.

A mathematician wasn't too confident about his appearance...

So he asked his friend to compare his good looks in terms he could understand.
After little thought his friend says: "You're about as good looking as you are bad looking."
"Well that's just mean."

Why don't mathematicians have degrees?

They prefer radians.

When a mathematics student graduates

do they get a degree, or a radian?

All the mathematical functions went to a party...

There they saw the exponential function sitting by himself

They poked him, "c'mon man, join the party"

To which he replied, "it's not my fault, eveytime I try to integrate, I just end up with myself"

A mathematician walks into a bar

A mathematician walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.


The bartender says, "Sorry but we've run out of beer. We have only root beer for today."


"No problem", replies the mathematician. "Just serve me in a square glass."

Why was the mathematician late for work?

He took the rhombus.

The Mathematician and the Waiter

A mathematician and his partner go to a restaurant one Sunday lunchtime. The waiter comes over and takes the mathematician's order: -

'I'd like one chicken breast, 10 roast potatoes, 100 baby carrots and 1,000 peas, please' he requests.

'Why sir!' Exclaimed the waiter. 'That's an order of magnitude!'

Two mathematicians walk into a bar...

The punchline is trivial and is left as an exercise to the reader

How does a mathematician solve their constipation?

They work it out with a pencil

Why do mathematicians have a hard time moving on in relationships?

Because they're always trying to find the x.

They don't know y, either.

Mathematicians in a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a pint, the second a half a pint, the third 1/4 pint, the fourth 1/8... the bartender gets impatient, gives the whole group 2 pints and says "you guys dont know your limits..."

What does a mathematicion find in a forest?

A natural log.

A mathematician goes into an insane asylum

He approaches a group of gentleman and asks:

How much is 9 minus 3?
First guy answers: "Potato."
Nope. I'm afraid that is incorrect. Anybody else?
"Tuesday." Replies a second.
Wrong again.
"Six!" Answers a third.
Ah! Very good. Tell me how did you figure that out?
"Simple! I just multiplied Tuesday and Potato and subtracted 83.

Mathematician joke.

A chemist and a physicist are lost in an unknown area. They see someone and decide to ask for help. "Excuse me, but can you tell us where we are?", asks the chemist. "Sure, you are here", replied the man and leaves. "That man is a mathematician", the chemist tells the physicist, "how do you know?", "What he told us is true and makes sense, but it is useless."

A mathematician is afraid of flying because of the risk of a terrorist bombing it in mid air. So he takes a bomb in his hand baggage

"The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero.

Three mathematicians go hunting.

As they are out hunting, they see a bird. The numerical analyst fires, but misses to the left. The applied mathematician fires and misses to the right. The statistician shouts out, "We hit it!"

How do mathematicians scold their children?

If I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times …

A Mathematician went to the doctors because he kept seeing √-1

Apparently it was all imaginary

How do mathematicians become engineers?

You just gotta apply yourself.

A mathematician tries to go to the beach...

A mathematician tried to go to the beach to get a tan, but he couldn't find it cos there were no sines.

What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood?

Logger-rhythms.

Once there was a mathematician

Once there was a mathematician. She wasn't very good at her job, but she really enjoyed it. She knew she couldn't make enough money to feed her family, so she decided to make money at night as a prostitute. She was surprised at how popular she became, quickly finding herself several regular customers. After one particularly good night, the man held her hand and asked, "That was amazing, you are an exquisite woman. I'm sorry for asking only now, but what is your name?"

The woman replied, "It's okay - it's The Thot That Counts."

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are riding a train in Scotland.

Looking out the window, the engineer sees something that catches her eye. Look, she says, it's a black sheep! It seems the sheep in Scotland are black.

The physicist shakes his head. Nonsense, he says. All we know is that there are some black sheep in Scotland.
The mathematician looks at his two friends, sighs, and with all earnestness, observes: All we can say is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, one side of which is black.

A mathematician, a physicist, and a statistician are out hunting

When they spot a deer. The mathemician shoots five feet to the left and misses. The physicist shoots five feet to the right and misses. The statistician yells, "We got em!"

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer shared a hotel room

Midnight, the waste basket caught on fire. The mathematician woke up first, looked at the fire and the water bottle next to it. He then wrote on a piece of paper "between the fire and the bottle, a solution exists", signed, and went back to sleep.

The physicist wake up second, saw the fire and the mathematician's paper, then went to the basket and measure the paper in the basket and the water in the bottle, then went back and wrote "half the bottle is sufficient", signed, and went back to sleep.

The engineer woke up last, saw the fire and the paper, processed to dump the whole bottle into the fire, and went back to sleep without signing anything.

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m...

..and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.

You're late! she yells. You said you'd be home by 11:45!

Actually, the mathematician replies calmly, I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12.

Why didn't the mathematician drink at the party?

Because you can't drink and derive.

How did the mathematician die?

Graphically

What do mathematician mermaids wear?

Algae-bras!

The mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a pint of beer. The second mathematician orders a half. The third, a quarter pint. There is an infinite line up of Mathematicians.

The bartender fills up two pints and slides it over to the Mathematicians.

What do mathematicians call retirement?

Aftermath

A mathematical limerick

A dozen, a gross, and a score

Plus three times the square root of four

Divided by seven

Plus five times eleven

Is nine squared and not a bit more.

A mathematician walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The punchline has been left as an exercise for the reader.

A mathematician wanders back home at 3A.M..

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.

You're late! she yells. You said you'd be home by 11:45!

Actually, the mathematician replies calmly, I said I'd be home by a 'quarter of 12'.

Two mathematicians walk into a bar...

and begin to argue about the intelligence of the waitresses. One mathematician gets up, and on his way to the bathroom stops his server. He tells her: "I'll give you $5 is you answer "one-third x cubed" to the next question I ask you, ok?"
The server nods, and walks away. When the mathematician returns to his table, he tells his colleague: "I bet you $100 that our server can answer a simple calculus problem." He then proceeds to flag down the server and asks her, "What is the indefinite integral of x squared?"
She responds, "one-third x cubed." The man then proceeds to collect his money, only to be interrupted by the server saying "plus a constant."

A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.

You're late! she yells. You said you'd be home by 11:45!

Actually, the mathematician replies coolly, I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12.

Why Do Mathematicians Never Go To The Beach?

Because they got sin and cos to give them a tan.

A mathematician was interviewing for a job

A mathematician was interviewing for a job. The interviewer asks him - "You are walking towards your office and running late for a very important meeting and you glimpse a building on fire with people screaming for help. What will you do?".
The mathematician thinks for a while and replies : "People's lives are more important than an office meeting. I would immediately call for a fire brigade and help the trapped to the best of my abilities". The interviewer seems to be impressed with the mathematician's answer and moves on to the last question. Just to check his sanity, she asks: "And what if the building is not on fire?".
After a moment of thought, the mathematician replies with confidence :

"I will set the building on fire. Now, I have reduced it to a problem that I have already solved before!"

What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?

√4 the home team

A mathematician walks into a bar

The rest of the joke is trivial and is left to the student as an exercise.

A mathematician was pregnant

Her friend asked her:


- Boy or girl?

- Yes.

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe.

A Mathematician, a Biologist, and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.

First, they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three people coming out of the house.

The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".

The Biologist: "They have reproduced".

The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person enters the house then it will be empty again"

Ninja

Mathematical Sex.

Sex is like math:
Add the bed
Subtract the clothes
Divide the legs and pray you dont multiply

A mathematician, an engineer, and a statistician are all interviewed for the same job...(my statistics teacher in college told the class this joke)

Each of them are brought into the bosses office individually and asked only one question.

The mathematician comes in and is asked "what is 2 + 2?" To which he answers "obviously it's 4"

The engineer is asked the same question. "Well it's hard to say for sure, I'd have to make a few calculations, draw up some graphs. Let me get back to you in about a week."

Finally, the statistician is brought in.

"What's 2 + 2?"

The statistician then casually closes all the blinds in the room and slyly asks "what do you *want* it to be?"

How did the mathematician kill himself?

Hung himself with a hypotenoose

How does a mathematician get to work?

He derives!

Why don't mathematicians ever get blackout drunk?

They know their limits.

How do you help a mathematician buy a new car?

Cosine

One for the Mathematicians

Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a flagpole.
They only have a measuring tape, and they have not been able to slide the tape up the pole.

A mathematician asks what they are doing, and they explain.
The solution is easy, she says. She pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, and measures it.

After she leaves, one of the engineers says,
That is so typical! We tell a mathematician we need the height – and she gives us the length!

How does a Mathematician hang them selves?

With a hypotenuse.

10 out of 10 mathematicians agree

that only 1 mathematician was surveyed.

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with him in his hand luggage.

The probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero!

Why was the mathematician arrested at the bar?

He was caught drinking and deriving.

A mathematician is in a burning hotel room.

When he spots the fire extinguisher, he says, ok, the problem is solvable and goes back to sleep.

How do mathematicians count x-men?

Permutations.

A mathematician and an engineer are sitting at a table..

drinking when a very beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the bar.

The mathematician sighs. "I'd like to talk to her, but first I have to cover half the distance between where we are and where she is, then half of the distance that remains, then half of that distance, and so on. The series is infinite. There'll always be some finite distance between us."

The engineer gets up and starts walking. "Ah, well, I figure I can get close enough for all practical purposes."

A mathematician is paying for his groceries...

A mathmatician is paying for his groceries and the cashier asks for him to write his signature. He draws a single wave on the pad. When he sees the cashiers' confused look he says, "What? it says 'sign here'."

A mathematician walks into a bar and says "I want √2 beers"

The bartender tells him "You're being irrational"

Why do mathematicians like forests?

Because of all the natural logs

Mathematically speaking..

The average person is mean. :-)

A Mathematician works at a bar.

A loud man walks into the bar and says "I want some drinks!"
And the bartender replies with "How many drinks?"
The man answers "5!"
The bartender took the man's order and gave him 120 drinks.

Two mathematicians were chatting online...

1st mathematician: Gimme 5!
2nd mathematician: 120

How do mathematicians commit suicide?

They hang themselves with a hypotenoose

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked "What is 1 + 1"?

The mathematician says "2"

The Physicist says "2, plus or minus 0.1"

The engineer says "Probably around 2, but let's say 3 to be on the safe side".

The mathematician has lost his parrot

Polygon

How did the mathematician sleep?

Like a log

A mathematician and engineer agreed to take part in an experiment

they were both placed in a room and at the other end was a beautiful naked women on a bed. The experimenter said every 30 seconds they would be allowed to travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician said "this is pointless" and stormed off. The engineer agreed to go ahead with the experiment anyway. The mathematician exclaimed on his way out "don't you see, you'll never actually reach her?". to which the engineer replied, "So what? Pretty soon I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"

What did the mathematician call his dead parrot?

Polygon

A mathematician and an engineer agree to a psychological experiment.

The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a
beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room.

The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the woman on the bed." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the engineer in.

He explains the situation, and the engineer's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?"

The engineer smiles and replied, "Of course! But in less than half an hour, I'll be close enough for all practical purposes!"

Why did the mathematician lie adjacent to the hippopotamus?

Cos

How does a mathematician want to solve terrorism?

He wants to simplify the radicals.

A mathematician and his wife in labor go into the hospital...

The wife dies while giving birth and the doctor says, "I'm so sorry, there was nothing we could have done. But now how are you going to feed your baby?" To which the mathematician replies, "don't worry, I've got the perfect formula."

A mathematician walks into a pizza shop...

They request one pie. Upon getting a full pizza, they exclaim, "You gave me twice as many radians as I asked for!"

A mathematician and an engineer got a task:

They were given a plank with two nails; one hammered half way and one hammered all the way. There were asked to remove the nails from the plank.

The engineer didn't think much of it, grabbed pliers and quickly took both nails out.

The mathematician after some thought said:

"The case with nail hammered all the way in is more interesting, so I'm going to start with it"

After long battle he managed to use a lever and get the nail out.

"Ok, the second case we can easily reduce to already solved one"

...and then he hammered the remaining nail all the way in.

What does a Mathematician say when he eats too much pie?

√(-1/64)

What are the funniest mathematic jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Mathematic? Well, here are the best Mathematic puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Mathematic pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes