Math Jokes

If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failed

I would have $7.20 by now

Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"

Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"

Me: "49"

Interviewer: "that's not even close"

me: "yeah, but it was fast"

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper.

I think he must be plotting something.

To the mathematicians who thought of the idea of zero...

Thanks for nothing.

How long are math snakes?

3.14 feet. Well, at least the πthon is



(I'm so sorry)

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m.

...and his wife is livid.
You SWORE that you'd be home by 11:45!
"No," slurs the mathematician...
I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12.

What math classes do gender studies majors take?

Triggernometry

If i got 50 cents for every failed math exam,

I'd have $ 6.30 now

If Al Gore started a math rock band it should be called Algorhythm

My math teacher said I was average...

How mean.

I don't mind the Chinese students in my Math class being really good at the subject

But I must say, it's pretty cocky of them to do the problems with their eyes closed.

I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math...

Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.

A boy goes up to a girl and says "hey baby what's up"...

She says "I have a boyfriend", he says "I have a math test".

The girl says "What's that got to do with anything?", he replies "I thought we were just naming things we are going to cheat on."

A mathematician couldn't remember if he had been with his girlfriend for 1 year or 2.

But he knew it was <3.

I know a mathematician who can't afford lunch.

He can binomial.

When I was in high school, my dad f*cked my teacher repeatedly for better grades in my math class.

Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd

Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said

"You're a lot like a math exam."

I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"

She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."

My Favorite Math Joke

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says You guys need to learn your limits.

My daughter has a math test on Roman numerals.

I told her I hope she gets a "C".

So I was in math class when the teacher asked me what comes after 69.

Apparently, "I do." is not the correct answer.

Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?

Girl: I have a boyfriend.

Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow.

Girl: What does that have to do with anything?

Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.

A mathematician came home and told his wife, sorry honey, but I'm leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I'll be home in a few hours and I'd like for you to be gone.

He got back home and found a note that read, hi honey, I've left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you'll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.

A mathematician is afraid of flying

A mathematician is afraid of flying due to the small risk of a terrorist attack. So, on every flight he takes a bomb with his hand luggage. "The probability of having a bomb on a plane is very low", he reason, "and the probability of having two bombs on the same plane is virtually zero."

A teacher was giving a math lesson...

...and she asked one of her students, "If you had two dollars, and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"

The student replied, "Two dollars."

"Not quite," the teach responded. "Sounds like you don't know your addition.

"No," the student said, "you just don't know my father."

Not all math puns are bad

Just sum

A new study shows that the majority of humans alive today are better at math than Albert Einstein.

Because he's dead.

Pakistani math problem.

Ahmed has 3 lunch boxes.
He gives one to Mohammed and another to Hassan. Calculate the radius of the explosion.

Why was math so easy in ancient Rome?

x always equals 10

Mathematics is 90% common sense,

the other half is intelligence.

A little boy was doing his math homework and practicing out loud, Two plus six, that son of a bitch is eight...

Three plus seven, that son of a bitch is ten."

Hearing what he was saying, his mother asked him what he was doing. He answered that he was doing his math homework.

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" she asked her son to which he replied yes.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher what she is teaching in math class. The teacher said, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked if she was teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four.

Laughing, the teacher replied, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

I found out what that math teacher with graph paper from yesterday's joke was plotting....

...weapons of math instruction.

Why are Chinese kids so good at math?

Because their dog doesn't eat their homework

This is my dad's (a math major) favourite joke. What's the difference between an Engineer and a Mathematician?

A mathematician and an engineer are living together in a dorm when a fire starts in their room.

The mathematician wakes up and sees the fire. He quickly scans the room and sees a fire extinguisher and goes back to bed, happy knowing a solution exists.

The engineer wakes up, sees the fire and uses the extinguisher to put it out.

My math teacher used to call me average.

How mean!

My maths teacher never goes outside

I can tell, cos there's no sin of his tan

What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book?

Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.

A mathematician, a college professor, and a textbook author walk into a bar.

*[The punchline is left as an exercise for the reader.]*

What did the mermaid forget to bring to math class?

Her algae bra

I think my math teacher works for the CIA...

He always wants to put radicals in isolation.

Genie: you have three wishes

me: make math go away

Genie: ok, that one's on the house

me: yay, so I still get three wishes?

Genie: huh?

If I had $5 for every time I failed a math test

I would have $37

When your Dad is a math teacher you grow up with jokes like this...

Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

A: To get to the same side!

Why is bacteria so bad at math?

...It multiplies by dividing!

Why was the math teacher late for school?

He took the rhombus

Why do a lot of math nerds wear glasses?

It helps with division.

If I had 50 cents for every time I got a math problem wrong...

Id have $1.74

In honor of 3/14... TIL the man who discovered Pi had his wife, Edith, leave him over his obsession with math.

Which just goes to show you, you can't have your Pi and Edith too.

English puns make me numb.

But Math puns make me number.

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m and his wife is livid.
You SWORE that you'd be home by 11:45!
"No," slurs the mathematician I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12.

I'm bad at math

So the equation 2n+2n is 4n to me.

A Mathematician is given a psychological test.

The first question asked "You see a burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?" After much deliberation, the Mathematician decides he would attach the hose to the hydrant. He is then asked "You see a non-burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?" to which the Mathematician immediately responds, "I'll set the house of fire to reduce this to a problem I've already solved."

A little help with your math

A businessman is getting a 17% discount on an order worth $20,000.00, but can't figure out the total in his head. He asks his secretary, "Betty, if I were to give you twenty thousand dollars with a 17% discount, how much would you take off?" She thinks for a minute, then says, "Everything except my earrings."

Sexy Math Time

So a 54 year old man cheats on his wife and leaves her a note saying that he has been sleeping with an 18 year.
The 54 year old wife reads the note, shrugs and writes one of her own.
When her husband gets home he reads the note, it says:
I know that you've been cheating on me with an 18 year old, but I have an 18 year old of my own and we all know 18 goes into 54 far more than 54 goes into 18.

I said Hi to a girl and she replied "I have a boyfriend"...

"And I have a math test", I told her. "What?", she replied, "What does that have to do with anything?".

"Oh", I said, "I thought we were both naming things we would cheat on."

Math jokes aren't my favorite.

But I'll make one if I halve two.

What can a mathematician and a pedophile agree upon?

11 is a prime number.

I'm starting a business....

I'm gonna do math tutoring, but solely for midgets. I'm calling it Making The Little Things Count.

Today, I made the little things count

by teaching math to midgets.....

A mathematician wasn't too confident about his appearance...

So he asked his friend to compare his good looks in terms he could understand.
After little thought his friend says: "You're about as good looking as you are bad looking."
"Well that's just mean."