The Best 67 Mates Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Mates jokes. There are some mates homie jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these mates draught puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Mates Jokes and Puns

Jokes for drinking, when censorship doesn't matter..... I'll start.

Post your jokes, The ones you share with your mates who don't give a toss about all the PC carry on these days. The ones that truly make you laugh when your having a beer or two.

So I took a vacation to a big city in South Korea...

... and I met this amazing girl. She was beautiful, and we had just about everything in common. 7 years after that vacation I can happily call her my wife. I think it's easy to say that we're Seoul mates.

Gorilla Encounter

Two gay guys are at the Zoo. They come across a gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this.

One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for two hours non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage.

An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"

"AM I HURT?" he shouts. "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"

Mates joke, Gorilla Encounter

What do you call 2 algebraists who marry?

Prime mates

Why can't Stevie Wonder see his mates?

Because he's married.

It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling.

They had a great time, he would have loved it

When Lionel Messi dies..

He should have his Argentinian team mates bury him so they can let him down one last time..

Mates joke, When Lionel Messi dies..

Why are monkeys such great friends?

Because they're prime mates!

When I was in prison my bunk mates called me "mitochondria"

because I'm the power house of the cell

I tried to teach my illiterate nymphomanic girlfriend the alphabet.

But she only wanted the D.

I'm testing this joke here before i try it on my critics of mates.

What do you call a whale that mates excessively?


You can explore mates bloke reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean mates companion dad jokes. There are also mates puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

what do you call a whale that mates constantly?

your girlfreind

Even Mates

2 mates havin a drink: one says "If I went to your house while you were at work, shagged your wife, & she got pregnant, would that make us related?" His mate replies "Dunno, but it would definitely make us even.""

Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles?

He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.

Went to my mates house and she had a big open fire in the garden where she was burning her phone bill, gas bill and credit card bill.

I said: "flipping heck what are you doing Bernadette?!"

In a shelter for abused women.

My husband used to beat me on regular basis. Sometimes, he would get his drinking mates and they would stand one after another to beat me. But one day I said to myself: get a grip woman, enough is enough. So when my husband and his mates collapsed drunk, I run away to this shelter. After 6 months I feel much better. The thing I like the most about this place is that there is no punchline.

Mates joke, In a shelter for abused women.

I tripped, and my buddy and I strangely interlocked toes.

We're sole mates now.

I had my stag do in Amsterdam. To remember the occasion my mates got me a sweater.

I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, however.

hi What did the stork say to the couple?

Sorry mates Im out of babes

(its a linguistic joke)

My room mates are concerned that I'm using their kitchen utensils...

...but that's a whisk i'm willing to take.

An epileptic in the bath.

I was in the pub last night when I told my mates the joke about "What to you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw your washing in."
Well, bloke on the next table turns round and says very solemnly, "My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath."

The bloke then says "Yeah, he choked on a sock!"

My mates called me stingy so I decided to buy them a beer.

Turns out they wanted one each.

In the locker room after the game...

The guys have finished playing, have showered, and are getting dressed. Dennis pulls out a black lace bra and panties and starts to put them on.

His team mates begin laughing, and making fun of him. The coach asks, "Hey, Dennis! Since when did you start wearing women's underwear?"

Dennis replies, "Since my wife found them under the passenger seat of my car."

I'm not saying my mates wife is fat or anything but in February she starts working in Ibiza

Selling shade.

When I get sent nudes I like to...

Thank my mates because I can't get any myself

I found a new passion yesterday pairing socks.

I guess I just enjoy bringing sole mates together.

Did you hear about the rebellious Hebrew child?

He went out and got stoned with his mates.

I keep finding 2 dimensional objects all over the house...

I think they're my flat mates.

My mates call me "The Magician".

Whenever I open my mouth women disappear.

What did Michael Jackson's music and his mates not have in common?

He liked his mates minor and flat.

John wanted to take a shower at his mates

His mate says "did you find the shampoo?"

John replies "Yes, but it says 'For Dry Hair' and I've just wet mine!"

How do mummies attract mates?


My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me 'The Love Machine'

because I'm terrible at tennis.

There's two mates on a plane, Paddy and Mick...

Paddy says to Mick "Here, if the plane turns upside down, would we fall out?"

Mick says "Naw Paddy, we'll always be best pals."

My mates all say I'm a bit of a pub scarecrow.

I stand in the corner and frighten all the birds.

Two South Koreans fell in love with each other...

you might say they found their Seoul mates

What happens every time Gene Simmons gets in a fight with his band mates?

They Kiss and makeup

How did ancient Egyptian monarchs attract potential mates?

By using their "pharoah-moans"

LPT: Hey ladies, if you're ever in need of a tampon

Just let your mates know and I'm sure they'll pull a few strings

My mates said they were going to get me a new digital clock for my birthday.

Turns out it was just a wind up.

What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

What do you call two people who carpool in a tiny Kia?

Soul mates

Adam was lonely

He said "God, all the creatures have their mates but I am alone".
God thought for a minute and said "I will make you a perfect companion. She will be lovely, kind, attentive and will fulfill your every desire. I'll need from you two fingers, a kidney and one of your testicles".
Adam thought for a minute and said "What can I get for a rib?"

What is another word for twins?

Womb mates.

How do werewolves attract mates?

They *awoooo* them

TIL That due to recent advancements with AI two computers identified themselves as mates, and even went as far as to set up a Romeo and Juliette style suicide pact...

They say they were so in love they finished each others sentiences.

A New Zealander and an Australian are walking down a track

The two mates come across a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

Naturally, the kiwi bloke jumps over the fence, bends over, pulls down his pants and goes to town doing the sex on the poor sheep.

Upon finishing he looks over at his aussie mate, and goes your turn bro , to which naturally the aussie bloke jumps the fence, bends over, removes his pants, and sticks his head in the fence.

I hate driving through tunnels [OC]

They're always so dark and scary. My hands always start shaking whenever I'm driving through one with my mates.

I think I have carpool tunnel syndrome

Why do Australians call each other mates?

They got tired of saying "inmates".

The British wardens got tired of saying "Go die, inmate" and it got shortened to "G'day mate".

Jesus's miracle

Who said Jesus didn't perform miracles? He found mates called Matthew, Mark, Luke and John just hanging about in The Middle East.

You know Chester Bennington was really depressed when he said

where? when his band mates asked him to hang in there

The emperor penguin mates at temperatures as low as -120 degrees F.

He is a frigid midget with a rigid digit.

How can you tell Jesus was Irish?

He lived at home until he was in his thirties, he thought his mother was a virgin, he was an unemployed carpenter who got into trouble with the Empire, his last night on Earth was spent out drinking with his mates, and his last request was a drink.

A Sea Captain is complaining about how difficult his life is without a leg and an arm

He says to his crew mates, " When ye missin' two major parts of ye, thar ain't many things ye can do. "

The lookout hollers from the crow's nest " I 'ave it worse Captain! "

" Oh!? " The Sea Captain exclaims " 'n which two parts of ye be missin'? "

To which the lookout replies " Eye, eye Captain! "

What do you call Identical Twin Brothers who choose a life of crime?

Cell Mates

A bunch of blokes are in a pub and a woman walks past.

1 bloke says to the rest of his mates "i would give her one"

The woman over hears this, turns around and says "I would not have sex with you even if you were the last man on earth"

The bloke replies "who said anything about sex? i was rating you out of 10"

My mates wife died 2 months ago and he is already seeing someone else.

That's what you call mourning glory

What is a Sailors motto?

Never leave your mates behind...

Me and John went on a roller coaster

As we are about to hit the loop-de-loop he looked at me and asked "do you think we will fall out?" "No." I said. "We have been mates for years."

A man once entered an asylum

The patients kept jumping shouting"we are popcorn! we are popcorn!" Except for one guy who was sitting quietly in a corner so the man thought that he is the only sane person here and asked him "why don't you jump,shout like your mates?" The guy replied "please leave me alone i stuck to the cooking pot"

Did you hear about the guy that met his wife in Korea?

They were Seoul mates

The other day I was writing my assignment on English. I had to write the tenses of certain words. It was easy because I had taught my mates prior to that. When it came to teach, I couldn't remember it..

i thunk and thunk and thunk, but still couldn't remember.. and then it struck me..

It's obviously teached.

My dumb ass.

Yes, you've got to be careful when you tell jokes in public.

I was in the pub with a few mates a while back and one of them was telling this joke, I'm sure you know it:

Q. What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?

A. You throw in your washing.

Then a guy came over fuming and said, "I'm sorry but I don't find that funny. My brother died in the bath as a kid while having an epileptic fit.

My friend said, "Oh, I'm really sorry. Did he drown?"

"No, said the man, "He choked to death on a sock."

(not mine) I hate the Harry Potter franchise, it's too unrealistic.

I mean I'm not saying magic is impossible, everyone on my estate fights with sticks, there may even be the odd unicorn about, but who, has ever seen a ginger kid with two mates ?

How do you make new mates?

*Asking for a friend.*

My wife left me for another man.

All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out.
And while he's going through all that, I'll be in the pub with my mates every night.

Husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.

The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the mates amigo jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working mates ireland mates piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes