Material Jokes
113 material jokes and hilarious material puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about material that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article explores the concept of "material jokes" with a focus on material science, material girl, material handling, wife material, boyfriend material, husband material, girlfriend material, stuff, astrology, and properties. Discover the lighter side of materials with a good dose of humor!
Quick Jump To
- Short Material Jokes
- Material One Liners
- Wife Material Jokes
- Material Girl Jokes
- Material Science Jokes
- Girlfriend Material Jokes
- Material Handling Jokes
- More Material Jokes
Funniest Material Short Jokes
Short material jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The material humour may include short matter jokes also.
- Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth ... but then they realized No Man's sky was invented already.
- A guy tried to tell me about a tool that makes holes in hard materials, but I stopped him. I know the drill.
- Trump reportedly asked to be added to Mount Rushmore Turns out granite isn't a dense enough material to represent him
- Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment. Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.
- Students at M.I.T. recently developed a new contender for the blackest material known to man... Scientists attempted to demonstrate it in public, but it was immediately shot by the police.
- Call of Duty is the most environmentally friendly video game franchise. ... because each game is made from 90% recycled material.
- These Cthulu memes I've seen now and again, need to get some new material All I ever see are Old Ones.
- r/jokes is the most environment-friendly sub on Reddit It is made of 97% recycled material.
- When I started doing stand-up, I didn't have a lot of my own material, so I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes I still do, but I used to too.
- Stop making jokes about how fat and disgusting Amy Schumer is. You're stealing her material.
Share These Material Jokes With Friends
Material One Liners
Which material one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with material? I can suggest the ones about stuff and subject.
- What's the most useful material? Scratch. You can make anything from scratch.
- I had a contractor joke... But I ran out of material.
- My dad accidentally ordered the wrong paving materials Now That's his own dumb asphalt.
- I once dated a girl just for her internet connection She was wifi material.
- I bought a book about materialism. It wasn't worth it.
- What's a Russian's favorite clothing material? Lenin
- What's made up of 100% recyclable material? Front page of Reddit
- Why do hippies like corduroy? Because the material is so groovy.
- What material do african blacksmiths use the most? Steel.
- What material are the Pink Panther's jeans made out of? Denim Deniiiiiiiimmmmmm
- Why are leaves bad material for parachutes? because they don't survive the fall (autumn)
- What does the blacksmith say when his materials are on sale? "What a steel!"
- Hey girl, are you a Firestarter? Because you're definitely tinder material.
- I found a place where 98% of the material is recycled. Congress.
- What's a pirates favorite material? ~~Arrrgyle~~*YARRRN!*^Thanks ^Bravesurf
Wife Material Jokes
Here is a list of funny wife material jokes and even better wife material puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I thought my wife was going on a belgium holiday to buy chocolates. When she got back, I found out she'd actually been on holiday in Paris buying curtain materials. It was a fabrication.
- My wife is working so I can just sit here. Sofa so good.
(I've got about 6 months to practice my dad joke material)
Material Girl Jokes
Here is a list of funny material girl jokes and even better material girl puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My friends all call me a chick magnet. However due to my lack of ferromagnetic material in my chemical makeup I can can't seem to think of what repels all these girls.
- Hey girl, come feel my sweater. Wanna know what its made of? Boyfriend material.
(Troll Face) - Hey girl, come feel my sweater. Wanna know what its made of? Boyfriend material.
(Troll Face) - 'My ex was a real material girl.' - Buffalo Bill
- Men, if you have met your dream girl, materialize her.
- LF a h**...: not grade A material. Just a working man's girl. You know...
A j**... all trades.
Material Science Jokes
Here is a list of funny material science jokes and even better material science puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- There's been some interesting science news today. Apparently materials with a half life of 3 pass through valves at a extremely slow rate.
-plauge inc - Why did the Mechanical Engineer stop studying material science? They just couldn't handle the stress.
- I recently went to a science seminar on new materials we could use to make knives more efficient It was cutting edge stuff.
- What do you call terrorists who have degrees in material science and electromagnetic theory? HysterISIS
- Science have confirmed that humans can consume extremely poisonous materials and even drink molten lava **Once**
Girlfriend Material Jokes
Here is a list of funny girlfriend material jokes and even better girlfriend material puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Roy Moore's position on Right to Life is perfectly explainable. He is always looking for new girlfriend material.
- I can't stand my girlfriend's parents... They're made of the same material, I just can't get them to stay up.
- I heard this funny conversation: B: (touching the clothes) Nice sweater. G: Of course. Do you know what it's made of? B: No. What? G: Girlfriend Material
- What do you do if your girlfriend tells you she is h**... positive? Tell her this is a c**... repost, and ask her to come up with some better material.
Material Handling Jokes
Here is a list of funny material handling jokes and even better material handling puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between John Brennan and a Nevada h**...? Brennan can no longer legally handle sensitive material
Quirky and Hilarious Material Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about material you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean content jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make material pranks.
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep...
but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.
Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:
"I define myself to be on the outside."
Ethics done right
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two $100 bills. Now, here's where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?"
Pentagon Contract
A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he's gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.
Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job, he explained to her. One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us went to the Pentagon with an official to examine the cracked walkway.
The Minnesota contractor took out a tape measure, did some measuring, then worked some figures with a pencil.
'Well,' he said, 'I can do the job for about $9,000: $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
The Tennessee contractor then did the same, measuring and figuring, and then he said, 'I can do this job for $7,000. $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew, and $1,000 for me.'
The Pentagon official told him to write up his bid and send it in for consideration.
I didn't measure anything. I just pulled the Pentagon official aside and whispered, I can do the job for $27,000.
The official was incredulous and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such an incredibly high figure?'
I whispered, '$10,000 for you, $10, 000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the walkway.
A gorgeous student walks into her professor's office...
She says "Professor I'm really struggling in your class."
He say's "Ok it's good you're here then, what can I help you with?"
"Well I don't quite understand the material but honestly, I would do anything to pass."
"Anything?" He asks.
She leans in close and softly says "Anything."
He leans in closer, almost whispering as he asks:
"Would you, study?"
Did you hear about the magician who could create things out of thin air?
They contacted him to give him a TV show, but once they found out he was a fake, it never materialized.
Discipline is important
A wife calls her husband into their son's room. She says, "Look what I found under Johnny's bed!" as she points to a suitcase filled with whips, paddles, canes, and cat–o'–nine–tails of every size, color, and material. "What are we going to do with him?" she asks. The father looks at the suitcase, looks at his son, and looks at his wife. He says, "Whatever we do we shouldn't s**... him."
Did you hear about the pizza boy who wanted to become a comedian? (OC)
His material is terrible, but his delivery is amazing!
A Politician wanted to build a bridge
A Politician wanted to build a bridge.
So, he calls 3 engineeering firms. One is Chinese, other is American and the last one is Brazillian.
The politician calls the heads of all the 3 firms to his office.
He asks the Chinese head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"
He says, "3 Million Dollar. 1 Million for the workers, 1 Million for materials, 1 million for the profit."
The Politician asks the American head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"
He says, "6 Million Dollars. 2 Million for the workers, 2 Million for materials, 2 million for the profit."
Finally, the Politician asks the Brazillian head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"
He replies, "9 Million Dollars."
Suprised, the Politician asks him, "Why? Why so much?"
To which he replies, "3 Million for me, 3 Million for you, and 3 Million for the Chinese guy to build the bridge."
I tried to make friends at a midget convention by telling some jokes
But all my material went over their heads.
The successful entrepreneur was constantly in demand for after-dinner speeches and could never find the time to prepare his own material.
His assistant always wrote the speech. It was at the annual conference that he was called upon to give encouragement to small businesses.
After the meal, the entrepreneur stood up to address the audience. "Ladies and gentleman. There are three main areas of tension in today's small businesses. The first is the problem of not paying competitive salaries ..."
He then turned to the next page and read out, "From now on, you unappreciative pig, you're on your own ..."
Another blonde joke.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Why do you need to carry radioactive materials in sealed, lead containers?
To stop it from falling out.
Most Intelligent But Funniest
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.
The s**... is made up of Glucose........
MBBS Professor:
The s**... is made up of Glucose, the same material Sugar is made of.
A Girl raised her hand:
"Then why doesn't it
taste like Sugar?"
Suddenly silence in hall.
Girl:Oops.
Then Professor's reply was also a Medical master piece:
My dear, Thats because, the taste buds are located on the tip of your Tongue and not at the end of your t**...
Killer .
It's 3 am. Just smoked a fatty. Just trying to make up new material with my parrot. I think i just thought of a good one but I may just be...
Too s**... with one bird.
What letter do pirate's hate the most?
Dear Charter Internet Customer:
Charter Communications ("Charter") has been notified by a copyright owner, or its authorized agent, that your Internet account may have been involved in the exchange of unauthorized copies of copyrighted material (e.g., music, movies, or software). We are attaching a copy of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) notice that Charter received from the copyright holder which includes the specific allegation.
Amy Schumer gets mad when people describe her as fat, s**..., and disgusting..
because she doesn't like when people steal her material.
So, there are two men.
They know each other for years now. Frank, a brain surgeon from new york and Ahmad a former r**... from syria.
Both men want to build an house and decide to build their houses in the very same street, next to each other. They even ask the architect to just copy the first house!
And when the houses are built Ahmad says to Frank: "My house is worth more than yours."
"How can that be? We both live next to each other!"
"Yes"
"Our houses were built identically, with the same materials."
"True."
"So how can it be, Ahmad?"
"Very simple: I live next to a brain surgeon and you live next to a r**...!"
The comedy industry is ridiculously sexist.
Zach Galifinakis can tell a joke to a full theatre and the audience would love it. If Amy Schumer told the same joke a week later in the same theatre to the same audience, she'd be accused of stealing material
Why are submarines more dangerous than regular ships?
They're built with sub-standard materials.
My job is sectioning and dehydrating organic materials.
It may sound complicated, but it's actually cut and dry.
Reposting a joke is like buying a piece of clothing...
you use other people's material to make yourself look good.
What do you call a dolphin that doesn't know what to do with its life?
A porpoise without a purpose.
This is my own material, be kind :)
There was a material election, and glass, wood, and plastic were the candidates.
Glass was becoming the clear winner.
Mike joins a new school.
After school is over he returns home to his mother.
Mom: So Mike, how was your day today?
Mike: It was great! We learned about explosive materials in our lab today.
Mom: That sounds interesting, so what will you learn in school tomorrow?
Mike: What school?
If you can't hear your boyfriend's truck from 4 blocks away...
..you have husband material right there
A catholic choir is composing their own material.
Sweet Gsus, but I think what we need here is A minor.
I was trying to expose the cement company for using cheap materials
But I couldn't find any concrete evidence
I have never considered any of my coworkers as dating material
...until the boss said "We are a family".
We shouldn't be too hard on people who use toxic building materials.
They did asbestos they could.
So there was a police officer and his police dog...
The officer called the dog Joke, as it made him laugh always. Regardless, he loved the dog. However, one day the dog was demoted and reassigned to another Buddhist officer who wanted a dog to help him abstain from material things. The first officer was, of course upset. One of his friends he worked with asked what was wrong, and the first officer said, Well, it should be obvious. My Joke's been reposted for more karma!
3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp
One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it!
"Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish!
"I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said.
And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of him!
"I wish for a meat shower!" The second dinosaur said.
And so the genie made all different sorts of meats from different animals rain from a small cloud above the dinosaur's head.
Not wanting to be outdone by his friends the third dinosaur quickly tries to think of something better.
"I wish for a meatier shower!"
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.
The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.
The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.
The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.
I think Louis c**... has been misunderstood.
He was testing out new material. He just wanted to see whether women would laugh at his junk!
The wizard materialized on the hill above the outdoor festival and proclaimed, All shall be vanquished.... except those in temporary shelters supported by a pole, and fully aquatic animals with s**...-shaped teeth!
The area was safe for all in tents and porpoises.
I was doing a lab on nuclear decay and at first it worked like expected, but when 3/4 of the material had decayed it suddenly stopped
It seems like there will never be a half life 3
no Idea why they arrested me...
I just read the sign and complied...
it said:
NO campaign materials or **clothing** allowed in polling place.
I created a poll to see if people preferred pillows stuffed with bird feathers or pillows stuffed with synthetic material.
Synthetic material didn't win. Too many down votes.
For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his b**... red.
What's the loudest sound in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries!
(Apologies if you've heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I'll get better material)
Globally over 99% of asphalt is recycled. It is the second most recycled material in the world, after jokes on reddit
Globally over 99% of asphalt is recycled. It is the second most recycled material in the world, after jokes on reddit
One day a teacher was reading the story of the three little pigs to her class
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building material for his home.
She read, . . . And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may i have some of that straw to build a house?'
The teacher paused, then asked the class, And what do you think that man said?
One little boy raised his hand and said, I think he said, 'HOLY s**...! A TALKING PIG!?!'
What's it called when you try to appear PC by conspicuously including little people in your company's ad material
Tolkienism
A mathematician is asked to build a fence around a flock of sheep using the least amount of materials possible.
So he builds a fence around himself and then defines himself as outside.
I just came up with this, this community can always use fresh/not reposted material.
I accidentally knocked over a headstone while walking through a cemetery.
I've made a grave mistake.
One of the Saddest Stories I've Ever Heard
The HighSchool Girls National diving team's plane crashed into the ocean, and they washed up on a deserted island.
Physically, the few survivors were unharmed, but as the days past, their minds began to crack as they realized that they had not the tools, knowledge, or materials to build a working diving board and bring some normalcy back into their lives!
…
…
But alas… The poor b**... were forced to resort to cannonballism.
Apple should be commended for using recycled materials in their products. Recycled plastics, recycled aluminum...
...even their phone designs are recycled
Material Guy
A guy crashes his new sports car and when the police arrive, he is crying Oh my god, my gorgeous Ferrari!
The police officer tells him that material possessions are the least of his troubles, considering his left arm was severed as well.
The guy looks down where his arm used to be and wails Oh, my god, my precious Rolex!
A comedian was telling jokes about Putin. The material was not very good but
the execution was great.
Kurdish cunieform tablets
In ancient Kurdistan, they didn't have the material to make the cuneiform tablets they did down by the rivers in the Fertile Crescent, so they had to carve important documents into stone tablets.
That included contracts and treaties. There could be multiple signatories. For an invoice, for instance, it was possible to bill two Kurds with one stone.
A lesson from my life as a monk
I learned a lot during my years at the monastery. One thing I still remember is that our vow of poverty meant that we were expected to go to great lengths to look after our one robe, including mending and from time to time dying them to their regulation dark hue.
One thing that surprised me was how rough and scratchy the dye made the material over many years.
Old habits dye hard.
One good thing of the whole war...
...Russia will continue being James Bond story material.
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are asked to design a fence.
The fence is required to contain as much land as possible for the least amount of fence material.
The engineer says "easy, just make a circular fence"
The physicist says, "wait a second! If you build the fence across the equator you'll have an even higher area/fence ratio!"
The mathematician says "amateurs!". He gets up and builds a tiny fence around his feet and proclaims "I declare myself to be on the outside."
We should all be making more jokes about coffee….
There's a latte of material to choose from.
A Russian comedian told jokes about Putin
The material wasn't good, but the execution was great
Lindsey Graham gets new suit
On a Senate trip to Japan, Lindsey Graham picked up some silk to have a custom suit made. At a top notch tailor shop in South Carolina, the tailor said with the material, he could make a single breasted suit.
Graham decided to wait, took the material to a tailor in New York who told him he could make a double breasted suit, a vest, and an extra pair of pants.
He asked, "How can you do so much more with this material than the tailor in South Carolina?"
"Well, senator, I guess you're not as big up here."
What do you call the Dr. Scholls conveyor belt used for cutting materials to various foot sizes?
*insert punchline*
What does Leonardo DiCaprio call a woman 10 years younger than him?
Mother-in-law material.
When a guy describes himself as an alpha, I often think that's a pretty accurate description...
Because after all, alpha is slow, heavy and really bad at penetrating biological material.
