He said, Why? Is she a stunner? I said, No, she's an optician.
An Australian goes to new Zealand and sees a guy fucking a sheep on the side of the road, he says mate, in Australia we sheer our sheep. The new Zealand guy says, fuck off, I'm not sheering her with anyone.
I said, It's for sound effects during sex.
He asked, Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?
I replied, No, I work in a morgue.
He started counting and fell asleep.
I asked him the other day "how do you tell them apart?"
He said
"Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure...
... And Brian's got a cock"
And asks 'where's ya bin mate'
The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!'
The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin'
The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been wanking'
My mates shagging twins who both like it up the arse. I asked how he tells them apart?
"That's easy", he said. "Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaved pussy. Derek has a moustache and big hairy bollocks"
...and shouts "your money or your life!"
The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".
"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked. "I'm a snail." The bloke replied. "What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that girl on your back?" "That's not a any girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle".
"Probably failing my driving test," I replied.
Only for a couple of minutes, then I'm usually done he replied as he carried on thrusting.
Now we just call him Dav
Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".
He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".
So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".
"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here ...What's the problem,cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."
"Bummer, mate..!"
"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."
where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.
"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.
"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.
"I realise you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"
"Which one of you fuckers slept with my wife?!"
A voice from the back shouted "I don't think you have enough bullets, mate"
"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp,
and now her pussy has completely closed up."
"Bummer mate!"
"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."
and saw a man crouched behind a gravestone. I said "morning!"
He replied "no mate just having a shit"
A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor.
"How's the stutter?", asks the doctor.
"It's g-getting better. My mate calls me D-Donkey," replies the man.
"Any idea why?" The doctor asks.
"No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."
This guy brings his best mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30pm, after work.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My bloody hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fucking mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my fucking pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight?! Why the fuck did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?
Rihanna, mate.
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No mate, this is a bar
Duck: Got any bread ?
Barman: No I've told you, we don't have bread here!
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: Look, if you ask me that again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.
Duck: Got any nails?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
Australians mate
My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.
To lay off his campaign staff.
Turns out she was a Slovak.
He says it lures them into a false sense of security and when their guard drops he sleeps with them.
I thought that it couldn't reallly hurt my chances just to try.
3 years later, Mark and I now own a house together, 2 turtles, 3 fish and we are scheduled to be married next week. Still no sign of getting any pussy though.
Maybe this strategy isn't for me...
A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.
"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"
So the programmer went shopping.
When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked
"why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!"
The programmer responded.
"they have eggs"
The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."
I told him he was a lucky bastard, and asked 'how do you tell them apart?'
He replied 'that's easy, sally has massive tits and a nice shaved pussy, and Derek has a moustache with big hairy bollocks!'
The bartender says 'Sorry, mate, we don't do cock tales here'
If animals really didn't want to be eaten then why would they be made out of food?
Check mate vegans
A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor.
"How's the stutter?", asks the doctor.
"It's g-getting better. My mate calls me D-Donkey," replies the man.
"Any idea why?" The doctor asks.
"No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."
... as someone had graffitied "PAEDO" on it.
Me: "Mate, what's been going on?"
Neighbour: "Fucking kids..."
He yells Which one one of you twats nailed my wife ?! as he cocks his gun.
Someone at the end of the bar suddenly says :
You don't have enough bullets mate !
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Mate? Well, here are the best Mate dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Mate pick up lines to share with friends.