The Best 61 Mate Jokes
Following is our collection of funniest Mate jokes. There are some mate aussie jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these mate roommate puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Funny Mate Jokes and Puns
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, She's beautiful, isn't she? I said, If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.
He said, Why? Is she a stunner? I said, No, she's an optician.
My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out."
My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.
A piece of string walks into a bar
A piece of string walks into a bar and walks up to the counter.
The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost."
Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.
He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The bartender says, "Oi, aren't you that piece of string from before...?"
"No," says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot."
A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone
**British soldier**: Did you come here to die?
**Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!
A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor....
A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor.
"How's the stutter?", asks the doctor.
"It's g-getting better. My mate calls me D-Donkey," replies the man.
"Any idea why?" The doctor asks.
"No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."
An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident
where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.
"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.
"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.
"I realise you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"
A duck walks into a bar...
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No mate, this is a bar
Duck: Got any bread ?
Barman: No I've told you, we don't have bread here!
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: Look, if you ask me that again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.
Duck: Got any nails?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
A Salmon under his arm
Man walks into a fish shop with a salmon under his arm and says to the fishmonger "You got any fishcakes mate?". The fishmonger replies "Course we do mate, it's a fish shop!". "GREAT" replies the man pointing to his salmon "It's his BIRTHDAY!"
Why is it so confusing to play chess with an Australian?
Because every "check" is a "check, mate!"
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.
Turns out she was a Slovak.
Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night.
Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?
Rihanna, mate.
You can explore mate friend reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean mate colleague dad jokes. There are also mate puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
An Australian bin man knocks at the door of a Chinese guy
And asks 'where's ya bin mate'
The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!'
The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin'
The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been wanking'
Why did Cruz pick Carly Fiorina as his running mate?
To lay off his campaign staff.
I married a European chess master.
He's my Czech mate.
My mate David was a victim of ID theft
Now we just call him Dav
What's the most useful material?
Scratch. You can make anything from scratch.
A guy walks into a bar with a gun
A guy enters a bar with a gun and sais "Who's the one that had sex with my wife?!"
A voice was heard in the backround, "You don't have enough bullets on you mate!".
My mate just rang me and said "what are you doing at the moment?"
I said, "probably failing my driving test."
It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.
The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"
I was sitting in church when a guy walked in and said hi to me.
He then walked up into the tower of the church and hit his face against the large bell a few times.
#BONG BONG BONG
He then walked back down the stairs and said "See you later mate" and walked out. As he left a few fellow church goers said to me, "Do you know that guy?"
I replied, "I don't think so, but his face rings a bell"
My mate told me yesterday that he's started dating twins!
I asked how he could tell which one is which.
He said, 'Well, Andrea is really, really attractive - she has long blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes and plump red lips. Plus she's got a really nice body. Pretty much a perfect ten.
And Brian has a cock.'
A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...
...and shouts "your money or your life!"
The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".
My mates called me stingy so I decided to buy them a beer.
Turns out they wanted one each.
I asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners he's had.
He started counting and fell asleep.
A programmer goes shopping
A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.
"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"
So the programmer went shopping.
When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked
"why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!"
The programmer responded.
"they have eggs"
Australians don't have sex
Australians mate
Two tugboat captains have been friends for years.
They would always cry, "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.
A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"
The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of ... an aye for an aye?"
I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week.
Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".
He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".
So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".
My mate phoned me and asked what I was doing.
"Probably failing my driving test," I replied.
I asked my mate if he could get me a job at the tampon factory where he works.
There's no openings at the moment, he said, but I'll see if I can pull some strings.
How did the Australian pay for his new chess set?
Cheque, mate.
So how long are you in for? I asked my cell mate.
Only for a couple of minutes, then I'm usually done he replied as he carried on thrusting.
My wife and I were on honeymoon at Australia last week.
I called up the Aussie helpline as we had a problem
"Aussie helpline, what's the problem?"
"Well, my wife and I were swimming yesterday, and a jellyfish stung her in her... uhm, lady parts. Anything we can do?"
"Ah, bummer mate"
"Perfect! I hadn't thought about that, thanks!"
My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone.
I said, It's for sound effects during sex.
He asked, Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?
I replied, No, I work in a morgue.
Vegans proven wrong again
If animals really didn't want to be eaten then why would they be made out of food?
Check mate vegans
A pirate captain asks his first mate "Find out what be the Roman numeral for the two"
"Aye aye! " responds the first mate
I played chess with my friend from Central Europe.
Czech mate.
Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.
"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.
"Oh really?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."
"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."
Our mate David had his ID stolen
We've started calling him Dav
How do Australians know who won the chess game?
They check, mate.
An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.
The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."
A man walks into a hardware store
So my grandpa just told this joke, it goes something like this:
A man walks into a hardware store looking for some nails, the shopkeeper walks up to him and asks how long do you want them mate? , the man responds nah I wanna keep em
Not sure if this has been posted before but I thought it was funny :)
What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?
They both end with a check mate
My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy!
After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I'm alone. Can you create me one also?
God replied, Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg.
Adam thought for a second and said, What do you got for a rib?
A taxi passenger
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me?"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, its not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
My friend said he hasn't had sex because he's a child of God.
I said mate, that's not a good enough excuse. Jesus was a child of god and he still got nailed.
This young lad gets in the elevator, I'm standing by the buttons, so he says "fifth floor mate?"
When we get there I say "There you go, son" and he says "Don't call me son! You're not my dad!"
And I say "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
I was in a library and a black guy came up to me.
"Where's the coloured printer?" He said
"Mate, it's 2020 you can use any printer you want" I replied
First Night in Prison
I was introduced to my cell mate and he said.......
You touch my stuff and I will kill you.......
I catch you staring at me and I will kill you.......
You touch me and I will kill you........
I thought to myself.......Great, just got here and I am
already married
Guy goes to a fancy dress party in a green jumpsuit carry a woman by piggy back.....
Doorman: You can't come in mate, you're not in fancy dress
Guy: Yes I am, I'm a tortoise
Doorman: well I can see you're wearing green, but what's with the woman on your back?
Guy: That's Michelle....
A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.
Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."
Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"
Poodle: "That's not gonna work"
Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"
Poodle: "...No"
Chihuahua: "LIVER ALONE, CHEESE MINE!"
Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee
He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."
What does a horse say when it is ready to mate?
I'm hor-neigh
Two guys chatting at the bar....
One says, "I committed an embarrassing faux pas this morning. Went to the travel agency to buy some plane tickets. The young girl had the most spectacular breasts and I accidentally asked for two plane-titties" His mate replies, "Oh yes. I did the exact same thing this morning. Went to ask my wife to pass the corn-flakes and accidentally said, "You fat cow, you've totally ruined my life"'
A joke for Australians
The Garbo's doing his rounds and he gets his mate,the bogan's place and the bin ain't out the front. So the Garbo knocks on the door. "G'Day, Bogan. Long time no see. Where's ya bin?" Asks the Garbo. "I bin on holidays." Says the Bogan. "Nah mate, where's ya bin?" Repeats the Garbo. "I just said," responds the Bogan, "I bin on holidays." "No no. Where's ya wheelie bin?" Clarifies the Garbo. The Bogan responds, "Well I wheelie bin in jail but I tell people I was on holidays."
I asked the Doctor.
Me: Does Masturbation cause poor eyesight.?
Doctor: "you're in Walmart mate."
German philosophy professor arrive to Australia
Professor: Today we'll study Kant
Student: Ok, mate, so what we will study?
A mate of mine just told me that he has been drinking brake fluid!
I told him how dangerous that is and how it could kill him if he keeps it up, but he said he can stop anytime he likes.
A guy takes his car in to the mechanic after it mysteriously stops working
The mechanic opens up the hood, to find a small fruit bat hanging upside-down in the engine bay. The bat looks up at the mechanic and says "you look nice today mate!", Immediately the mechanic straightens up and says to the car owner "well, that's your problem right there!
Bat flattery"
Paddy was at the airport and was stopped by customs.
Customs: What have you got in those two sacks on your shoulders.?
Paddy: Oh just a lot of mobile phones.
Customs: So why so many mobile phones.?
Paddy: Well on my travels I had a call from my mate Mick,
He told me that he was starting up a Jazz Band, and could
I bring him back two Saxophones.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the mate reckon jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working mate ireland mates piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.