Mate Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, She's beautiful, isn't she? I said, If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.

He said, Why? Is she a stunner? I said, No, she's an optician.

My mate asked me why I have sex noises saved on my phone.

I said, It's for sound effects during sex.


He asked, Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?


I replied, No, I work in a morgue.

I asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners he's had.

He started counting and fell asleep.

An Australian bin man knocks at the door of a Chinese guy

And asks 'where's ya bin mate'
The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!'
The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin'
The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been wanking'

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...

...and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

My mate phoned me and asked what I was doing.

"Probably failing my driving test," I replied.

So how long are you in for? I asked my cell mate.

Only for a couple of minutes, then I'm usually done he replied as he carried on thrusting.

My mate David was a victim of ID theft

Now we just call him Dav

I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week.

Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".

He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".

So I handed him the cake and said "check mate".

An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident

where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.







"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.







"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.







"I realise you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"

A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor....

A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor.

"How's the stutter?", asks the doctor.

"It's g-getting better. My mate calls me D-Donkey," replies the man.

"Any idea why?" The doctor asks.

"No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."

Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night.

Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?

Rihanna, mate.

A duck walks into a bar...

Duck: Got any bread?

Barman: No mate, this is a bar

Duck: Got any bread ?

Barman: No I've told you, we don't have bread here!

Duck: Got any bread?

Barman: Look, if you ask me that again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.

Duck: Got any nails?

Barman: No.

Duck: Got any bread?

Australians don't have sex

Australians mate

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out."

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

Why did Cruz pick Carly Fiorina as his running mate?

To lay off his campaign staff.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.

Turns out she was a Slovak.

A programmer goes shopping

A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.

"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"

So the programmer went shopping.

When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked

"why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!"

The programmer responded.

"they have eggs"

An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.

The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."ο»Ώ

Vegans proven wrong again

If animals really didn't want to be eaten then why would they be made out of food?

Check mate vegans

A man with a stutter...

A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor.

"How's the stutter?", asks the doctor.

"It's g-getting better. My mate calls me D-Donkey," replies the man.

"Any idea why?" The doctor asks.

"No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."

My mate Dave drowned...

For his funeral, we got a wreath in the shape of a life saver.

It's what he would've wanted.

What's the most useful material?

Scratch. You can make anything from scratch.

How do Australians know who won the chess game?

They check, mate.

My mate just rang me and said "what are you doing at the moment?"

I said, "probably failing my driving test."

I married a European chess master.

He's my Czech mate.

It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.

The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"ο»Ώ

My mate told me yesterday that he's started dating twins!

I asked how he could tell which one is which.


He said, 'Well, Andrea is really, really attractive - she has long blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes and plump red lips. Plus she's got a really nice body. Pretty much a perfect ten.


And Brian has a cock.'

A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone

**British soldier**: Did you come here to die?

**Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!

What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?

They both end with a check mate

A piece of string walks into a bar

A piece of string walks into a bar and walks up to the counter.

The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost."

Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The bartender says, "Oi, aren't you that piece of string from before...?"

"No," says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot."

A man with a gun enters a bar...

..."Who had sex with my wife?" he snarled.

A muffled voice heard in the background said, "You don't have enough bullets for that mate."

A guy walks into a bar with a gun

A guy enters a bar with a gun and sais "Who's the one that had sex with my wife?!"

A voice was heard in the backround, "You don't have enough bullets on you mate!".

How did the Australian pay for his new chess set?

Cheque, mate.

Two tugboat captains have been friends for years.

They would always cry, "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.

A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"

The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of ... an aye for an aye?"

Why is it so confusing to play chess with an Australian?

Because every "check" is a "check, mate!"

Our mate David had his ID stolen

We've started calling him Dav

A pirate captain asks his first mate "Find out what be the Roman numeral for the two"

"Aye aye! " responds the first mate

My mate asked me why I had sex noises saved on my iPod...

I said, "It's for sound effects during sex".

He asked, "Ah, is the wife a bit quiet in the bedroom?"

"No," I replied, "I work in a morgue."

I played chess with my friend from Central Europe.

Czech mate.

I was sitting in church when a guy walked in and said hi to me.

He then walked up into the tower of the church and hit his face against the large bell a few times.

#BONG BONG BONG

He then walked back down the stairs and said "See you later mate" and walked out. As he left a few fellow church goers said to me, "Do you know that guy?"

I replied, "I don't think so, but his face rings a bell"

Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.

"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.

"Oh really?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."

"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."

I asked my mate if he could get me a job at the tampon factory where he works.

There's no openings at the moment, he said, but I'll see if I can pull some strings.

My mates called me stingy so I decided to buy them a beer.

Turns out they wanted one each.

A man walks into a hardware store

So my grandpa just told this joke, it goes something like this:

A man walks into a hardware store looking for some nails, the shopkeeper walks up to him and asks how long do you want them mate? , the man responds nah I wanna keep em

Not sure if this has been posted before but I thought it was funny :)

A Salmon under his arm

Man walks into a fish shop with a salmon under his arm and says to the fishmonger "You got any fishcakes mate?". The fishmonger replies "Course we do mate, it's a fish shop!". "GREAT" replies the man pointing to his salmon "It's his BIRTHDAY!"

My wife and I were on honeymoon at Australia last week.

I called up the Aussie helpline as we had a problem

"Aussie helpline, what's the problem?"

"Well, my wife and I were swimming yesterday, and a jellyfish stung her in her... uhm, lady parts. Anything we can do?"

"Ah, bummer mate"

"Perfect! I hadn't thought about that, thanks!"

What would a prisoner say to you if you left them on an island for fifty years?

G'day mate!

Why do lions only mate in the summer?

Because the pride cometh before the fall

I was playing chess with my Australian friend

He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".


I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"


Confused he said, "mate, I know."

A captain and his crew...

A crew mate runs to his captain "Captain! Captain! There is an enemy ship on the horizon! What do we do?" The captain replies "Grab me my red shirt." "Why?" The crew mate asks. "So that my crew doesn't see me bleeding from the battle." The captain replies. Another guy runs up "Captain! Captain! I have an update there are 7 more ships what should I do?" "Go get me my brown pants."

Captain Hook is claiming that he was sexually assaulted by his first mate some years ago.

It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.

A mate told me that he threw a stick over a mile and his dog caught and returned it.

Seems pretty far fetched to me.

What are the funniest mate jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Mate? Well, here are the best Mate puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Mate pick up lines to share with friends.

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