Mate Jokes
153 mate jokes and hilarious mate puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mate that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
From funny, tongue-in-cheek puns to rib-tickling one-liners, this article has it all! Get ready to giggle as you explore the best mate jokes! These funny jokes and puns are sure to be a hit with your companion, friend, first mate, or matey. Yerba mate, anyone? Enjoy this collection of jokes perfect for sharing with your favorite mate!
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Funniest Mate Short Jokes
Short mate jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mate humour may include short mare jokes also.
- A mugger jumps out in front of a university student... ...and shouts "your money or your life!"
The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a computer science student. I don't have either". - My mate phoned me and asked what I was doing. "Probably failing my driving test," I replied.
- I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible. She must have given me a cold or something.
- So how long are you in for? I asked my cell mate. Only for a couple of minutes, then I'm usually done he replied as he carried on thrusting.
- I bought a chessboard cake from the bakers last week. Took one bite, looked up, and said "it's stale mate".
He seemed surprised, said "no, mate".
So I handed him the cake and said "check mate". - I told my mate I'd built a model of the Himalayas. He said "To scale?"
I said "No, just to look at" - Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night. Who is the australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?
Rihanna, mate. - My mate just hired an Eastern european cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
- My mate just watched the Chernobyl documentary and, having grown up in Ukraine in the 1980s, he was pretty mad. And I get it, too. He counted at least eight historical inaccuracies on one hand.
- It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling. They had a great time, he would have loved it
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Mate One Liners
Which mate one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mate? I can suggest the ones about maid and mast.
- I'm starting a new dating service in Prague. It's called Czech-Mate.
- What do you call 2 monkeys that share an amazon account? Prime mates.
- My mate David was a victim of ID theft Now we just call him Dav
- Why did Cruz pick Carly Fiorina as his running mate? To lay off his campaign staff.
- Male bees die after mating. That's basically their entire lives. Honey. nut. Cheerio.
- I'm never going to find a soul mate. I really only find redheads attractive.
- My house-mate is terrified of negative numbers He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
- How do Australians know who won the chess game? They check, mate.
- I married a European chess master. He's my Czech mate.
- Male bees die after mating. -And that's why they call it a honey nut cheerio
- How did the Australian pay for his new chess set? Cheque, mate.
- I've never been good at chess. Unlike my Czech mate.
- Our mate David had his ID stolen We've started calling him Dav
- I played chess with my friend from Central Europe. Czech mate.
- Why do lions only mate in the summer? Because the pride cometh before the fall
First Mate Jokes
Here is a list of funny first mate jokes and even better first mate puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A pirate captain asks his first mate "Find out what be the Roman numeral for the two" "Aye aye! " responds the first mate
- My mate is in a band called NS. At first, I was fascinated to find out what it stands for. But now I'm not too bothered. It's nothing special.
- What do you call it when a sailor loses his virginity? First mate.
- A pirate captain says to his first mate... Where are my buccaneers?
Aye Cap'n, they're the sides of your buccan' head! - A biologist is sent to prison, The first words he says to his cell mate, "I am the mitochondria."
- Just made a bet with my mate about who would get married first He said may the best man win.
I said I'm not sure that's how this works mate. - Me and my mate were playing darts he said "Nearest to bull starts?", I said "Baa," he said "Moo," I said "You're first then."
- Who did the pirate lose his virginity to? His first mate.
- Why are Prisoners referred to as "inmates"? Because, on their first night, they're most likely to have said to them: "I'm putting it in, mate!"
- What did the Navy battleship captain say to his first mate during a skirmish? I think I'm feeling C6
Running Mate Jokes
Here is a list of funny running mate jokes and even better running mate puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My mate asked me to do a charity 5 mile run... I said no. He then told me it was for blind and disabled people.
I then thought.. I could actually win this. - If we can get Al Franken to run for President, with the Green Party candidate as his running mate, my bumper sticker would be... Franken Stein 2020
- Q.: "Governor, what would you say if Trump picked you as his running mate?" Christie: "I'll close down that bridge when I get to it."
- Flat mate saw me chopping furiously in the kitchen He said "why are you cutting up rosemary so fast"? I said cos I've run outta thyme
- What do you throw to a drowning politician? Their running mate.
- Why did Hillary put an Australian athlete on her ticket? She needed a good running mate.
- I hope that Senator Franken runs for President in 2020 and picks Jill Stein as his running mate That'd be a real Franken/Stein ticket
- I lived with my friend who got run over He was my flat mate.
- Joe Biden is very close to making a decision about a female Vice Presidential running mate. Sources close to the matter have stated that he's already given several of them his digits.
- Donald Trump just announced Mike Pence to be his Running Mate. If Hillary wants to one up Trump in that regard, her running mate should be Mike Tuppence.
Males Mate Jokes
Here is a list of funny males mate jokes and even better males mate puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Me: You know, the female black widow spider kills the male spider after mating. I don't understand why? Wife: I'm pretty sure it's to stop the male from snoring before it starts
- Male bees die after mating… So basically their life is:
Honey. Nut. Cheerio. - How does a male potato chip mate with a female potato chip? He Lay's on her.
- My mate went to Alaska and fell in love with both a male and female bear... He's Bipolar..
- The female Praying Mantis devours the male right after mating. It's easier to collect life insurance than child support.
- I heard male bees die after mating. I call that a honey nut cheerio.
(Stole it off of twitter) - Male preying mantises when mating season starts: finally! Male preying mantises after mating season:
- Did you know that only 1 in 5 male bullfrogs survive after mating? And the last one was never the same.
- My local zoo finally figured out why they couldn't get the Male alligator to mate with any of the females. Turns out he had ereptile dysfunction.
- The female praying mantis devours her male within minutes of mating, whereas ... the female human stretches it out over a lifetime!
Attract Mate Jokes
Here is a list of funny attract mate jokes and even better attract mate puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How does a mummy attract a mate? Pharaoh moans.
- How do mummies attract mates? Pharaoh-mones!
- They say a man's attractiveness is tied to his chess ability... Unfortunately, I'm really bad at mating.
- How do werewolves attract mates? They *awoooo* them
- How did ancient Egyptian monarchs attract potential mates? By using their "pharoah-moans"
Yerba Mate Jokes
Here is a list of funny yerba mate jokes and even better yerba mate puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is an Australian's favorite tea? Yerba Mate
Cheeky Mate Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about mate you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mere jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mate pranks.
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, She's beautiful, isn't she? I said, If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.
He said, Why? Is she a stunner? I said, No, she's an optician.
Gave my blind mate a cheese grater the other day...
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.
I walked out of my local shop today...
...and outside was a t**.... Same guy as always, but I'd never talked to him before. As I passed, he said, "Excuse me, I don't suppose you have a spare cigarette I can have?". I looked around, and I was the only person in the vacinity, so I knew he was talking to me. "Sorry mate, I don't smoke." I replied, which is true. He looked disappointed, but then asked hopefully "Any change?", I thought for a second before answering "Nope, still don't smoke."
My mate says I don't understand irony...
Which is ironic, because we were at a bus stop at the time.
Irish cream
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but no matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull. The people were very upset and decided to go to The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. " The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this Before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland . "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ? The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland "
Methylated Spirit
A scruffy homeless man walks into a DIY store.
"Bottle of methylated spirit please."
"Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."
"Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it for woodwork!"
"All right, all right..." says the shopkeeper, taking a bottle of the shelf.
"Oh, haven't you got a cold one?"
The Costume Party
The local pub once held a costume party. The bartender announced to the patrons that they must all come dressed up as their "love life". Sure enough, the day of the party arrives and the bartender spots some old g**... dressed as Abraham Lincoln. He says "Oi, mate. You were supposed to come dressed up as your love life!"
With a shrug and a sly grin the other man says "Oh, I have. My four scores were seven years ago."
My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out."
My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.
A Sea Captain looks through his telescope
and sees ships approaching on the horizon. He says to his first mate "Arrrr Matey, fetch me me red shirt".
"But why, Captain?" the Mate says.
"If these be enemies and we must defend our ship I don't want me men to see me bleed".
The mate fetches the shirt as the Captain looks out again, this time seeing a fleet of Pirate Ships gaining on them. He turns to the first mate again:
"Arrr Matey, fetch me me brown pants".
My Welsh Friend
I asked my welsh mate how many s**... partners he had had, but I never got to find out. Everytime he tried counting them he fell asleep.
A piece of string walks into a bar
A piece of string walks into a bar and walks up to the counter.
The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost."
Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.
He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The bartender says, "Oi, aren't you that piece of string from before...?"
"No," says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot."
A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone
**British soldier**: Did you come here to die?
**Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!
A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor....
A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor.
"How's the stutter?", asks the doctor.
"It's g-getting better. My mate calls me D-Donkey," replies the man.
"Any idea why?" The doctor asks.
"No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that."
An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident
where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.
"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.
"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.
"I realise you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"
What would a prisoner say to you if you left them on an island for fifty years?
G'day mate!
A duck walks into a bar...
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No mate, this is a bar
Duck: Got any bread ?
Barman: No I've told you, we don't have bread here!
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: Look, if you ask me that again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.
Duck: Got any nails?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
A Salmon under his arm
Man walks into a fish shop with a salmon under his arm and says to the fishmonger "You got any fishcakes mate?". The fishmonger replies "Course we do mate, it's a fish shop!". "GREAT" replies the man pointing to his salmon "It's his BIRTHDAY!"
A man is spending his first night in prison...
He's laying in his bunk when the lights go out. After a few minutes, he hears someone shout, "13!" followed by a chorus of laughter.
Another few minutes go by and he hears, "27!" followed by more laughter.
"What's going on?" he asks his cell mate.
"Well, we've heard the same jokes so many times, we just gave them all numbers so we don't have to waste time repeating them."
A little more time passes and then someone erupts, "34!" to a few guffaws.
The man decides to try and join in by yelling, "19!"
He is greeted by silence. He asks his bunkmate, "Why didn't they laugh?"
His bunkmate replies, "You didn't tell it right."
Why is it so confusing to play chess with an Australian?
Because every "check" is a "check, mate!"
Confession
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confessional booth and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally,the drunk replies:"No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
A policeman knocked on my door this morning...
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm s**...? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
n Eskimo was out for a drive
An Eskimo is out for a drive one day when his car breaks down and is forced to call a mechanic. Finally the mechanic arrives and he sets to work, looking under the bonnet until he locates the problem. He looks up at the Eskimo and says, "You've blown a seal, mate" to which the Eskimo hastily replies, "No I haven't! That's just frost on my moustache."
An Australian bin man knocks at the door of a Chinese guy
And asks 'where's ya bin mate'
The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!'
The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin'
The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been w**...'
An Australian is visiting England...
He is from a small rural town and he does not know anything about traffic laws and street lights. He crosses a street and almost gets hit by a car. A police officer sees him and screams: "Oi! Did you come here to die?" The Australian replies with: "Nah mate, I came here yesterday!"
My favourite joke
So a guy goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and asks for a pint.
The barman replies: one pound please. The guy says back: only one pound?!
The barman replies: aye only a pound.
The guy takes his pint and enjoys it and after a few more pints at a pound each the guy feels cheeky.
The guy says: ill have a steak and chips mate.
The barman replies: three quid.
The guy then asked: do you own this pub?
The barman replies: no.
The guy then asked: wheres the boss then? I want to ask why the prices are so low.
The barman replies: he's upstairs with my wife.
The guy then asked: why? Whats he doing with your wife?
The barman replies: the same thing i'm doing to his business.
What's the most useful material?
Scratch. You can make anything from scratch.
A guy walks into a bar with a gun
A guy enters a bar with a gun and sais "Who's the one that had s**... with my wife?!"
A voice was heard in the backround, "You don't have enough bullets on you mate!".
My mate just rang me and said "what are you doing at the moment?"
I said, "probably failing my driving test."
It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.
The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"
I was sitting in church when a guy walked in and said hi to me.
He then walked up into the tower of the church and hit his face against the large bell a few times.
#b**... b**... b**...
He then walked back down the stairs and said "See you later mate" and walked out. As he left a few fellow church goers said to me, "Do you know that guy?"
I replied, "I don't think so, but his face rings a bell"
My mate told me yesterday that he's started dating twins!
I asked how he could tell which one is which.
He said, 'Well, Andrea is really, really attractive - she has long blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes and plump red lips. Plus she's got a really nice body. Pretty much a perfect ten.
And Brian has a c**....'
A captain and his crew...
A crew mate runs to his captain "Captain! Captain! There is an enemy ship on the horizon! What do we do?" The captain replies "Grab me my red shirt." "Why?" The crew mate asks. "So that my crew doesn't see me bleeding from the battle." The captain replies. Another guy runs up "Captain! Captain! I have an update there are 7 more ships what should I do?" "Go get me my brown pants."
My mates called me stingy so I decided to buy them a beer.
Turns out they wanted one each.
I was playing chess with my Australian friend
He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".
I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"
Confused he said, "mate, I know."
I asked my Welsh mate how many s**... partners he's had.
He started counting and fell asleep.
A programmer goes shopping
A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.
"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"
So the programmer went shopping.
When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked
"why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!"
The programmer responded.
"they have eggs"
Australians don't have s**...
Australians mate
Two tugboat captains have been friends for years.
They would always cry, "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.
A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?"
The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of ... an aye for an aye?"
A mate told me that he threw a stick over a mile and his dog caught and returned it.
Seems pretty far fetched to me.
Never let anyone put you down. Take my mate Jim for example. He was told just because he's deaf he can't play in an orchestra...
But did he listen...
I asked my mate if he could get me a job at the t**... factory where he works.
There's no openings at the moment, he said, but I'll see if I can pull some strings.
My wife and I were on honeymoon at Australia last week.
I called up the Aussie helpline as we had a problem
"Aussie helpline, what's the problem?"
"Well, my wife and I were swimming yesterday, and a jellyfish stung her in her... uhm, lady parts. Anything we can do?"
"Ah, bummer mate"
"Perfect! I hadn't thought about that, thanks!"
My mate asked me why I have s**... noises saved on my phone.
I said, It's for sound effects during s**....
He asked, Your wife a bit quiet in the sack?
I replied, No, I work in a morgue.
Vegans proven wrong again
If animals really didn't want to be eaten then why would they be made out of food?
Check mate vegans
Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.
"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.
"Oh really?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."
"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."
Captain Hook is claiming that he was s**... assaulted by his first mate some years ago.
It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.
I'm sure my mate is having an affair with my wife...
He's been proper miserable lately.
Donkey joke
Bob's having a beer in a bar, as you do. Another guy walks in and the barman shouts 'hey here's donkey' and everyone laughs. Bob being a decent bloke goes up to the guy now sitting alone in the corner and asks 'hey mate why does he call you donkey'. Guy replies 'I don't know .....he haw, he haw, he hawlways calls me that.
That's my first and now probably last post
A lion wouldn't cheat on its mate
But a Tiger Wood
An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.
The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."
A man walks into a hardware store
So my grandpa just told this joke, it goes something like this:
A man walks into a hardware store looking for some nails, the shopkeeper walks up to him and asks how long do you want them mate? , the man responds nah I wanna keep em
Not sure if this has been posted before but I thought it was funny :)
What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?
They both end with a check mate
My mate set me up on a blind date.
He said, "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know... She's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a n**...!
After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I'm alone. Can you create me one also?
God replied, Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg.
Adam thought for a second and said, What do you got for a rib?
A taxi passenger
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me?"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, its not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a f**... van for the last 25 years."
Chernobyl inaccuracies (Spoiler)
My mate has just seen the Chernobyl documentary. He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980's and was able to count at least 8 historical inaccuracies on one hand.
My friend said he hasn't had s**... because he's a child of God.
I said mate, that's not a good enough excuse. Jesus was a child of god and he still got nailed.
This young lad gets in the elevator, I'm standing by the b**..., so he says "fifth floor mate?"
When we get there I say "There you go, son" and he says "Don't call me son! You're not my dad!"
And I say "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
I was in a library and a black guy came up to me.
"Where's the coloured printer?" He said
"Mate, it's 2020 you can use any printer you want" I replied
First Night in Prison
I was introduced to my cell mate and he said.......
You touch my stuff and I will kill you.......
I catch you staring at me and I will kill you.......
You touch me and I will kill you........
I thought to myself.......Great, just got here and I am
already married
Guy goes to a fancy dress party in a green jumpsuit carry a woman by piggy back.....
Doorman: You can't come in mate, you're not in fancy dress
Guy: Yes I am, I'm a tortoise
Doorman: well I can see you're wearing green, but what's with the woman on your back?
Guy: That's Michelle....
A husky, a pitbull, and a chihuahua are all fighting over a poodle.
Poodle says: "I'll only choose the mate who can use the words 'Liver' and 'Cheese' in one sentence..."
Husky: "Well that's easy, I love liver and I love cheese!"
Poodle: "That's not gonna work"
Pitbull: "I hate liver and I hate cheese!"
Poodle: "...No"
Chihuahua: "LIVER ALONE, CHEESE MINE!"
Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee
He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."
I finally married my Korean wife whom I met in a penpal site few years ago..
She's my Seoul mate.
A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.
One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.
When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.
"Don't bother competing with that guy," says the other old bull. "You're too old. He'd laugh at you."
"I'm not trying to compete with him," replies the first old bull. "I just want him to know I'm not a cow."
Two men are playing golf when one realizes he's left his jacket at the last tee
He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."
