Match Jokes

Regretting the compliment...

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really! Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids...

I won!! No one's a match for me and my kettle.

Why do women wear white wedding dresses?

So the dishwasher can match the refrigerator and stove

The referee

I refereed a women's football match yesterday. It was brilliant.
I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she'd done wrong.

Why did the Origami Artist never win a poker match?

Because he will always fold.

My friend brought his wife into the pub and he asked me if i thought she was beautiful.

I said 'She's lovely, a great match for you. Got cracking legs matey'
he said: 'Thanks, that's her brittle bone syndrome'

Why was the Berlin Wall torn down?

It didn't match with the Iron Curtains.

I've just been arrested by police investigating match fixing.

They executed search warrants at my home and office, seized my computer, laptop and mobile phone, and froze my bank account.
All I did was go into my local bookies and put a £5 bet on Manchester United to win.

The kids were really suprised when I put ginger in their curry...

...they really *did* love that cat.
> Stolen from a recent episode of *Match Of The Day*

How do you make a cat go woof?

You pour some gasoline and toss a match and WOOF!

An Interview with a Master Ninja

When questioned on whether he thought his pupil could win his upcoming training match the Sensei had this to say:
"Shuriken".

Why do men want their brides to wear white?

Because they want the dishwasher to match with the fridge.

How do you make a fire with two sticks?

You make sure one is a match !

Did you hear about the time Orion lost an archery match?

He was given a constellation prize.

A joke about golfers.

Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match a large f**... procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man retorts "Woah man, that was really respectful". "Well, we had been married for over 25 years" said the other man.

What lights up a soccer stadium?

A soccer match.

Why do Brides wear white?

To match the rest of the household appliances.

Why do men prefer white women?

They want the dishwasher to match with their fridge

p**... and Murphy are in a dark cave.

p**... says "It's too dark. Do you have a match?"
Murphy hands p**... a match, which p**... strikes against the wall..but nothing happens. He strikes the match again but, again, nothing.
p**... says to Murphy "This match doesn't work."
"That's strange," says Murphy. "It worked earlier."

Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a few minutes

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

My dog had a tick once,

Someone recommended i try the "lighter fluid and match" trick, it definitely worked as my dog never got a tick again. But man, I sure do miss my dog.

Why are wedding gowns white?

Cuz the dishwasher should match the stove and the fridge

Why do Italians throw pizza onto the field after they win a match?

Because they rain supreme.

Watching a boxing match.

A husband and his wife are watching a boxing match. The husband says :
• I'm so disappointed, everything ended in just 4 minutes...
His wife starts laughing and says :
• Now you know how i feel...

Did you guys see the score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer match?

Egypt 8 .. Ethiopia didn't

My wife got angry when I said "Samsung"...

Apparently that was the wrong answer to: "What oven should I buy to match my cooking style?"

How do you burn a lot of calories at once?

Douse a fat person with gasoline and light a match

In the 90's Arsenal Soccer Club

Had a player called David d**.... When he was injured,the Newspaper wrote"Arsenal to play without d**...". The coach was upset so the Newspaper changed the headline to read"Arsenal to play with d**... out"... A record number of women attended the match

What do you call three disabled people fighting?

Cripple threat match

Hey girl, are you a cage match with heavyweight champion Manny Pacquiao?

Cause I'd last 10 seconds inside you but I'd still brag about it for the rest of my life.

A crab, a lobster, a dolphin...

and a Japanese dude run over by a truck. Which one doesn't match up?
[The dolphin. The other three are all crustaceans/crushed Asians](#s)

I won my first cage match last night...

The parrot never knew what hit it...

What time is it when your fighting rooster wins its first match?

1-0'**...

Today I saw a man who was being savagely beaten by a group of four guys, so I decided to help

He really was no match for the five of us...

Old joke time, Why are wedding dresses white?

To match the other appliances in the kitchen.

Did you hear about the knotting championship match?

They tied.

A man is meeting with his boss and his boss's boss for brunch.

All three of their wives are joining them to eat. Among the conversation, the man's boss's boss asks his wife to pass him the sugar.
"Pass the sugar, sugar."
Then his boss looks at his wife to pass him the honey.
"Pass the honey, honey." He says.
The man thinks he should match his boss's and boss's boss's humor.
He looks to his wife and says, "Pass the tea, bag."

What do you call a religious song from Helsinki that describes the end of a Mortal Kombat match?

A Finnish Hymn

How Would You Make A Cat Go "Woof"?

Gasoline & A Match .... "WOOF"!

A soccer referee picks up his phone during a match.

**14 Missed Calls**

I matched with this guy on Tinder. He said he wasn't like your average single Pringle – he was like a Dorito, edgy and spicy.

I hooked up with him. He definitely wasn't plain round.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together

And then move the rest of them to match the layout of a QWERTY keyboard too.

Dont bring a gay friend to a poker match

They can never keep a straight face

What did the pyromaniac say to the love of his life?

You're a perfect match

Did you hear about the sumo match happening at the prison tomorrow?

They're going to bring in professional sumo wrestlers and pit them against the fattest inmates but honestly I don't even know if the pros outweigh the cons.

Two blondes trying to light a match

After few failed attempts, the first one turned to her friend and said: maybe this match is defective
to which the first one replied: it was just working before you came

TIL There's a brief quiz that can predict your favorite wine. Take the quiz to see your ideal wine match.

1) What is your favorite wine?

Just won the most exciting rock papers scissors match I've ever had

The cop said "Papers" I said "scissors" and inmeditaly after that I drove the f#@€ away.
He must have been crazy for a Rematch because he chase me for 10 min!

Struggle is

Watching a match between England and West Indies, on a black and white television. Turn the brightness up and one team disappears, turn it down and the other does.

Saudi Arabia won against Egypt in a Soccer match.

Egyptians had a better plan but Saudis had better execution.

What does an angel use to light his cigarette?

[A match made in heaven](/spoiler)
What kind of cigarettes does he have?
[Holy Smokes](/spoiler)

So the Deji vs Jake Paul boxing match is this Saturday

And if in the unlikely event of one of them dies,
Logan Paul will be there to record it

What do you call someone that likes to mix and match their socks?

Heterosoxual

Today I saw a letter in the kitchen from my girlfriend.

"Morning honey! I left your food on the stove. All you have to do is light the match, I started the gas when I left. Love you!"

I found my true love on match dot com...

...which would have been nice if we were not already married for almost two years.

Thor: "I'm going to kill you with my Thor hammer, so prepare to die!"

Antman: "Ha, it's no match for my thorax!"

About to mix gasoline with a lit match, AMA