Match Jokes
175 match jokes and hilarious match puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about match that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the funniest match jokes, from India-Pakistan cricket match, mix and match activities, perfect match dating apps, to today's championship tournament. Whether you're looking for a light-hearted moment or an uproar of laughter, these jokes are sure to leave you in stitches.
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Funniest Match Short Jokes
Short match jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The match humour may include short pair jokes also.
- The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, papers? I said, Scissors, I win and drove off.
I think he wants a re-match he's been chasing me for 45 minutes. - Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess. But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.
- I saw a guy today with soot all over his face carrying a large pick axe and wearing a royal blue hardhat that matched his overalls. But these are just miner details.
- Why did the match factory burn down? Because the workers went on strike
I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke - Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve? There's no dental records & all the DNA matches...
- I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight... But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?
- What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life? Alien versus Redditor.
- If you thought eBay was bad, don't even try Tinder... Everytime I log in it says 'No Matches Available'
- Modern technology has never matched the simplicity and grace of the traditional pen. In fact, you could say that there is still no e-quill.
- Regretting the compliment... A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really! Why? Are my eyes bulging?"
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Match One Liners
Which match one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with match? I can suggest the ones about mate and suit.
- I saw 2 men in matching outfits I asked them if they were gay They arrested me
- eBay is so useless I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,061 matches
- I searched google for "how to start a large fire" 52,000 matches
- I tried to look up lighters in amazon. All they had was 13,749 matches.
- Two silk worms are in a wrestling match It ended in a tie.
- what does god light his cigarettes with? a match made in heaven .-.
- Asked Google how to start a campfire without any tools It gave me 20 million matches.
- What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder? Endless love
- I googled cigarette lighters And got 1,500,000 matches.
- I joined a dating sight for arsonist's… They sent me a lot of matches.
- A standard elevator can hold 1700 lbs or 5 Tinder matches...
- Googled 'how to light a cigar'... and got 70 million matches.
- Why does a bride wear white? So the dishwasher matches the rest of the appliances.
- Why was the Berlin Wall torn down? It didn't match with the Iron Curtains.
- About to mix gasoline with a lit match, AMA
Tinder Match Jokes
Here is a list of funny tinder match jokes and even better tinder match puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Tinder is completely useless, and I don't have a single match If I don't find another way to start a campfire tonight, I'll freeze to death.
- Two parallel lines match on tinder But they never meet!
- Yeah Tinder is great and all But have you ever tried to match your own expectations?
- I finally got Tinder ... and after a few matches, I was able to start a campfire
- What's the difference between awkward and awful? Awkward is finding your mom on Tinder, awful is matching with her
- The digital internet consists of 1s and 0s. That explains alot about my Tinder matches.
- This Corona app is like Tinder in reverse... ...first you meet, then you find out you have a match and suddenly you feel rather lonely.
- I matched with this guy on Tinder. He said he wasn't like your average single Pringle – he was like a Dorito, edgy and spicy. I hooked up with him. He definitely wasn't plain round.
- Every good camper knows that to start a fire you need tinder. So I installed the Tinder app. Still no fire, though. I can't seem to get any matches.
- What do tinder matches and 2021 have in common? Didn’t expect to make it this far, but here we are
Boxing Match Jokes
Here is a list of funny boxing match jokes and even better boxing match puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How do you advertise a boxing match between a Hispanic construction worker, and a Catholic priest. Alien vs predator
- Can a match box no, but a tin can ;)
- Why was Jupiter banned from competing in the planetary boxing match? He took asteroids.
- Why was the man upset after going to boxing match in Warsaw? Because his seat was behind a Pole.
- I used to be the 2nd best boxer in North America... I boxed in over 100 matches and always came 2nd
- How does a pirate win boxing matches even when he has no hands? Using only his left and right hooks
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- Have you ever seen a wrestling match? Of course you haven't, matches can't wrestle if they come in boxes
- So the Deji vs Jake Paul boxing match is this Saturday And if in the unlikely event of one of them dies,
Logan Paul will be there to record it - I just lost a boxing match in Transylvania I was working for Dracula part time and had to run an errand half way through. Referee said I was apparently out for the Count.
Football Match Jokes
Here is a list of funny football match jokes and even better football match puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How do you set fire to a football stadium? With a match.
- Grandpa walks into his grandson watching a football match Grandpa: who's playing?
Grandson: Czech and Slovakia
Grandpa: against who? - "Yesterday I had a huge fight with my wife... ...she complained I always prefer watching football matches instead of talking to her"
"Oh I'm sorry... so how did it end up"?
"2-0" - Why does Pakistan never get a corner during a football match? Every corner they get, they open a shop on it
- Q: Why did the coach give his football team lighters? A: They kept losing their matches.
- What lights up a football pitch at night? A football match.......
- Who's the most unpopular person at the Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch football match? The person who shouted "Give me an L!"
- Why do politicians always finish a football match with golden goal? They believe in first past the post
- Went to my nephew's football match the other day What a semi !
- England and Ethiopia recently played each other in a football match After a tough match, with both opponents clashing, the scoreline ended in English 8 - Ethiopia Didn't
Today Match Jokes
Here is a list of funny today match jokes and even better today match puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Today I asked Google how to start the world's biggest wildfire I got 37,000 matches
- Today I saw a letter in the kitchen from my girlfriend. "Morning honey! I left your food on the stove. All you have to do is light the match, I started the gas when I left. Love you!"
- Today was the opening World Cup match. Or as the Italians call it: Thursday
- I went to see a hanging race today It was a close match, the two contestants were tied neck and neck
- Today's FIFA match will be played by Austria and Hungary Me: Against whom?
- Today I saw a guy in a store window matching my outfit so I asked him: Are you gay? But ,It was my reflection and I was having a existential crisis
- I never realized it until today, but the song "Endless Love" by Diana Ross and Lionel Richie is about... ...a tennis match between Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles.
- From today's match onwards... ... We decided to boycott baguettes.
Cheeky Match Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What funny jokes about match you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean meet jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make match pranks.
Why didn't Jesus play in the Bethlehem X Nazareth soccer match?
Because he was suspended.
Tiger Woods playing golf.
Sorry if this is a repost, but I found this one quite funny.
Tiger Woods is practicing golf one day, surrounded by fans and media. While he's practicing, an amateur
golfer confidently walks up to him and challenges him to a match. Tiger knew he'd win, so he agrees thinking that it would be a fun break from serious practice. "OK," the amateur says, "Since I'm an amateur and you're a pro, you'll have to allow me two gotchas". Tiger didn't know what a gotchas is, but he didn't ask because he thought he'd win regardless of what handicap is placed on him. The fans and media leave the two alone so they can play in peace.
A few hours later, the two come out of the golf course and it turns out that Tiger Woods lost. The fans and media surrounded him wanting to know what happened. Tiger says, "I was starting the first hole, concentrating to tee off, you know, deep in thought. Right when I was about to drive the ball, he ran up from behind, grabbed my nuts and squeezed them tight while loudly screaming 'GOTCHA!!' can you imagine me trying to play eighteen holes waiting for the next gotcha?"
The referee
I refereed a women's football match yesterday. It was brilliant.
I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she'd done wrong.
Why did the Origami Artist never win a poker match?
Because he will always fold.
My friend brought his wife into the pub and he asked me if i thought she was beautiful.
I said 'She's lovely, a great match for you. Got cracking legs matey'
he said: 'Thanks, that's her brittle bone syndrome'
I've just been arrested by police investigating match fixing.
They executed search warrants at my home and office, seized my computer, laptop and mobile phone, and froze my bank account.
All I did was go into my local bookies and put a £5 bet on Manchester United to win.
The kids were really suprised when I put ginger in their curry...
...they really *did* love that cat.
> Stolen from a recent episode of *Match Of The Day*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you make a cat go woof?
You pour some gasoline and toss a match and WOOF!
An Interview with a Master Ninja
When questioned on whether he thought his pupil could win his upcoming training match the Sensei had this to say:
"Shuriken".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does a l**... hockey match begin?
With a face off!
Tinder is such an useless app
The only match it gave me was of my wife..
How do you make a fire with two sticks?
You make sure one is a match !
Did you hear about the time Orion lost an archery match?
He was given a constellation prize.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke about golfers.
Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match a large f**... procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man retorts "Woah man, that was really respectful". "Well, we had been married for over 25 years" said the other man.
My husband is so weird
He always listens to me for an hour and a half, but then he turns off the tv, and leaves, telling me the match ended.
A reporter from North Korea's state-owned media asks a farmer...
A reporter from a North Korea's state-owned media asks a farmer, "Would you give your mansion to the supreme leader if you had one?"
The farmer answers, "Yes, of course I would!"
"If you had one million dollar, would you give it to the supreme leader, too?"
"Yes, absolutely!"
"How about five cows, would you give them to the supreme leader?"
The farmer hesitates, then answers, "No..."
The reporter is confused, "you would give a mansion and one million dollar to the supreme leader, why would you not give only five cows? Is it because you think cows can't match the highness of the supreme leader?"
"Well, yes... and also I really do have five cows..."
Why do men prefer white women?
They want the dishwasher to match with their fridge
The CS:GO Joke.
In a COMP match in CSGO how many people does Olofmeister kill?
Olofem
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... and Murphy are in a dark cave.
p**... says "It's too dark. Do you have a match?"
Murphy hands p**... a match, which p**... strikes against the wall..but nothing happens. He strikes the match again but, again, nothing.
p**... says to Murphy "This match doesn't work."
"That's strange," says Murphy. "It worked earlier."
Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a few minutes
Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
My dog had a tick once,
Someone recommended i try the "lighter fluid and match" trick, it definitely worked as my dog never got a tick again. But man, I sure do miss my dog.
Why do Italians throw pizza onto the field after they win a match?
Because they rain supreme.
What's the difference between feminists and guns?
Guns only have one trigger.
At the time I was writing this, my mom and sister were in the middle of a death battle yelling match, help.
Watching a boxing match.
A husband and his wife are watching a boxing match. The husband says :
• I'm so disappointed, everything ended in just 4 minutes...
His wife starts laughing and says :
• Now you know how i feel...
I went to a female Arab boxing match last night.
It was pretty boring, all they threw were high jabs.
Did you guys see the score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer match?
Egypt 8 .. Ethiopia didn't
My wife got angry when I said "Samsung"...
Apparently that was the wrong answer to: "What oven should I buy to match my cooking style?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In the 90's Arsenal Soccer Club
Had a player called David d**.... When he was injured,the Newspaper wrote"Arsenal to play without d**...". The coach was upset so the Newspaper changed the headline to read"Arsenal to play with d**... out"... A record number of women attended the match
Two tennis players got into a shouting match.
They made quite a racket.
What do you call three disabled people fighting?
Cripple threat match
Hey girl, are you a cage match with heavyweight champion Manny Pacquiao?
Cause I'd last 10 seconds inside you but I'd still brag about it for the rest of my life.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A crab, a lobster, a dolphin...
and a Japanese dude run over by a truck. Which one doesn't match up?
[The dolphin. The other three are all crustaceans/crushed Asians](#s)
I won my first cage match last night...
The parrot never knew what hit it...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What time is it when your fighting rooster wins its first match?
1-0'**...
God put a match head and a small piece of wood together
It was a match made in heaven
Did you hear about the knotting championship match?
They tied.
A man is meeting with his boss and his boss's boss for brunch.
All three of their wives are joining them to eat. Among the conversation, the man's boss's boss asks his wife to pass him the sugar.
"Pass the sugar, sugar."
Then his boss looks at his wife to pass him the honey.
"Pass the honey, honey." He says.
The man thinks he should match his boss's and boss's boss's humor.
He looks to his wife and says, "Pass the tea, bag."
Match the middle eastern country to its sworn enemy...
- Bahrain
- Lebanon
- Qatar
- United Arab Emirates
- Egypt
- Syria
- Jordan
- Iran
- Iraq
- Saudi Arabia
- Algeria
- Morocco
- Yemen
- Oman
- Kuwait
1. Israel
Anyone know the score in the Nigeria Ethiopia footy match?
Nigeria 8 - Ethiopia Didn't
What do you call a religious song from Helsinki that describes the end of a Mortal Kombat match?
A Finnish Hymn
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A soccer referee picks up his phone during a match.
**14 Missed Calls**
What's the most difficult thing for a woman with a colostomy?
Finding shoes to match her bag.
Ever had to force your dog into taking their medication?
It's the worst, right? You try to cover it with peanut butter, even then they know you're up to something. So it gets kinda physical, have to get in there with both hands and hold them open and push it in with your finger, hoping they don't bite you. Turns into a wrestling match, sometimes. But as it turns out, the trick was we were just using the wrong peanut butter. Ever since we switched to creamy, those suppositories just pop right in.
I was at a boxing match the other day and one of the boxers only had one hand...
But he sure did have a solid left hook.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together
And then move the rest of them to match the layout of a QWERTY keyboard too.
I wrote a book called Endless Love
It's about a tennis match between Stevie Wonder and Hellen Keller
What did the pyromaniac say to the love of his life?
You're a perfect match
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the sumo match happening at the prison tomorrow?
They're going to bring in professional sumo wrestlers and pit them against the fattest inmates but honestly I don't even know if the pros outweigh the cons.
When I was a kid the school bully used to rub my head against some sandpaper
I was no match for him
Two blondes trying to light a match
After few failed attempts, the first one turned to her friend and said: maybe this match is defective
to which the first one replied: it was just working before you came
TIL There's a brief quiz that can predict your favorite wine. Take the quiz to see your ideal wine match.
1) What is your favorite wine?
Just won the most exciting rock papers scissors match I've ever had
The cop said "Papers" I said "scissors" and inmeditaly after that I drove the f#@€ away.
He must have been crazy for a Rematch because he chase me for 10 min!
Struggle is
Watching a match between England and West Indies, on a black and white television. Turn the brightness up and one team disappears, turn it down and the other does.
Saudi Arabia won against Egypt in a Soccer match.
Egyptians had a better plan but Saudis had better execution.
A man is drinking at a bar and meets a redheaded woman, not realizing that she is transgender
Already drunk, the man decided to ask, "Does the carpet match the drapes?" The transgender woman replies, "There's no carpet, only hardwood."
God rolled a joint, put it in his mouth, and realized he had nothing to light it with.
The match was made in Heaven.
What does an angel use to light his cigarette?
[A match made in heaven](/spoiler)
What kind of cigarettes does he have?
[Holy Smokes](/spoiler)
I found my true love on match dot com...
...which would have been nice if we were not already married for almost two years.
Sunday, March 4, 2017:
World Chess Championship. The hotel hosts a gala event with food and drink in the hotel lobby. The semi finalists are mingling. The final two are bragging about their respective stratagems for the final match. The desk clerk asks them to hang around. Because we all love to hear.... Two Chess nuts, boasting in an open foyer.
Create new password: Tomato
Confirm new password: Tomato
Passwords don't match.
I matched with a midget on Tinder. She said what's up. I said...
Well technically everything is, from your perspective!
