The Best 89 Match Jokes

Why was the man upset after going to boxing match in Warsaw?

Because his seat was behind a Pole.

Regretting the compliment...

A woman walks up to a guy in a blue bathing suit and says, "Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?" He says, "Really! Why? Are my eyes bulging?"

Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids...

I won!! No one's a match for me and my kettle.

Why do women wear white wedding dresses?

So the dishwasher can match the refrigerator and stove

Can a match box

no, but a tin can ;)

The referee

I refereed a women's football match yesterday. It was brilliant.

I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she'd done wrong.

Why did the Origami Artist never win a poker match?

Because he will always fold.

My friend brought his wife into the pub and he asked me if i thought she was beautiful.

I said 'She's lovely, a great match for you. Got cracking legs matey'

he said: 'Thanks, that's her brittle bone syndrome'

Why was the Berlin Wall torn down?

It didn't match with the Iron Curtains.

The kids were really suprised when I put ginger in their curry...

...they really *did* love that cat.

> Stolen from a recent episode of *Match Of The Day*

How do you make a cat go woof?

You pour some gasoline and toss a match and WOOF!

An Interview with a Master Ninja

When questioned on whether he thought his pupil could win his upcoming training match the Sensei had this to say:

"Shuriken".

Why do men want their brides to wear white?

Because they want the dishwasher to match with the fridge.

Did you hear about the time Orion lost an archery match?

He was given a constellation prize.

A joke about golfers.

Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match a large funeral procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man retorts "Woah man, that was really respectful". "Well, we had been married for over 25 years" said the other man.

Why do Brides wear white?

To match the rest of the household appliances.

I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight...

But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?

Why do men prefer white women?

They want the dishwasher to match with their fridge

What's the aim of a Jewish football match?

Getting the quarterback.

Two parallel lines match on tinder

But they never meet!

Paddy and Murphy are in a dark cave.

Paddy says "It's too dark. Do you have a match?"

Murphy hands Paddy a match, which Paddy strikes against the wall..but nothing happens. He strikes the match again but, again, nothing.

Paddy says to Murphy "This match doesn't work."

"That's strange," says Murphy. "It worked earlier."

What do you call a boxing match between a Mexican and a priest?

Alien vs. Predator

Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a few minutes

Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

My dog had a tick once,

Someone recommended i try the "lighter fluid and match" trick, it definitely worked as my dog never got a tick again. But man, I sure do miss my dog.

What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder?

Endless love

Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

Why does Pakistan never get a corner during a football match?

Every corner they get, they open a shop on it

How do you advertise a boxing match between a Hispanic construction worker, and a Catholic priest.

Alien vs predator

Why do Italians throw pizza onto the field after they win a match?

Because they rain supreme.

Watching a boxing match.

A husband and his wife are watching a boxing match. The husband says :

• I'm so disappointed, everything ended in just 4 minutes...

His wife starts laughing and says :

• Now you know how i feel...

Did you guys see the score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer match?

Egypt 8 .. Ethiopia didn't

My wife got angry when I said "Samsung"...

Apparently that was the wrong answer to: "What oven should I buy to match my cooking style?"

what does god light his cigarettes with?

a match made in heaven .-.

How do you burn a lot of calories at once?

Douse a fat person with gasoline and light a match

Two silk worms are in a wrestling match

It ended in a tie.

Two tennis players got into a shouting match.

They made quite a racket.

Why did the match factory burn down?

Because the workers went on strike

I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke

A crab, a lobster, a dolphin...

and a Japanese dude run over by a truck. Which one doesn't match up?

[The dolphin. The other three are all crustaceans/crushed Asians](#s)

I won my first cage match last night...

The parrot never knew what hit it...

What time is it when your fighting rooster wins its first match?

1-0'cock

Today I saw a man who was being savagely beaten by a group of four guys, so I decided to help

He really was no match for the five of us...

Old joke time, Why are wedding dresses white?

To match the other appliances in the kitchen.

A man is meeting with his boss and his boss's boss for brunch.

All three of their wives are joining them to eat. Among the conversation, the man's boss's boss asks his wife to pass him the sugar.
"Pass the sugar, sugar."
Then his boss looks at his wife to pass him the honey.
"Pass the honey, honey." He says.
The man thinks he should match his boss's and boss's boss's humor.
He looks to his wife and says, "Pass the tea, bag."

What do you call a religious song from Helsinki that describes the end of a Mortal Kombat match?

A Finnish Hymn

A soccer referee picks up his phone during a match.

**14 Missed Calls**

I matched with this guy on Tinder. He said he wasn't like your average single Pringle – he was like a Dorito, edgy and spicy.

I hooked up with him. He definitely wasn't plain round.

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together

And then move the rest of them to match the layout of a QWERTY keyboard too.

I wrote a book called Endless Love

It's about a tennis match between Stevie Wonder and Hellen Keller

Dont bring a gay friend to a poker match

They can never keep a straight face

Did you hear about the sumo match happening at the prison tomorrow?

They're going to bring in professional sumo wrestlers and pit them against the fattest inmates but honestly I don't even know if the pros outweigh the cons.

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis match?

Annette

Two blondes trying to light a match

After few failed attempts, the first one turned to her friend and said: maybe this match is defective
to which the first one replied: it was just working before you came

Why was Jupiter banned from competing in the planetary boxing match?

He took asteroids.

How do you set fire to a football stadium?

With a match.

TIL There's a brief quiz that can predict your favorite wine. Take the quiz to see your ideal wine match.

1) What is your favorite wine?

There was a football match between Colombia and Jamaica in 1967

It didn't go well, the Colombians sniffed all the white lines and Jamaicans smoked all the grass.

A computer once beat me in chess

But it was no match for me in kick-boxing.

What does an angel use to light his cigarette?

[A match made in heaven](/spoiler)

What kind of cigarettes does he have?

[Holy Smokes](/spoiler)

Today I saw a letter in the kitchen from my girlfriend.

"Morning honey! I left your food on the stove. All you have to do is light the match, I started the gas when I left. Love you!"

I found my true love on match dot com...

...which would have been nice if we were not already married for almost two years.

Thor: "I'm going to kill you with my Thor hammer, so prepare to die!"

Antman: "Ha, it's no match for my thorax!"

About to mix gasoline with a lit match, AMA

This Corona app is like Tinder in reverse...

...first you meet, then you find out you have a match and suddenly you feel rather lonely.

What do you call a tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder?

Endless love.

What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

A joke originally told in Arabic

The doctor asks him what is that dreaming problem.

"Every night I go to sleep," the man says. "I dream of a soccer match between a team of elephants and a team of ants"

"Ok, take this medicine," the doctor says. "It will fix the problem."

The man refuses though and says:

"Can I take it tomorrow though? Today is the finals"

A Japanese prison invited a few sumo wrestlers for a match...

The fattest prisoners were selected to compete and to everyone's surprise they won.

It's because the cons outweigh the pros.

I saw a 5 legged woman crying and I asked her why

She said she could never get shoes to match. I tried to console her so I said at least your knickers fit like a glove

Yeah Tinder is great and all

But have you ever tried to match your own expectations?

Tinder is completely useless, and I don't have a single match

If I don't find another way to start a campfire tonight, I'll freeze to death.

"So I matched with this cute guy on Tinder last night, and we started chatting and sending each other memes and little animations. But then he mentioned that he was an exchange student from Athens, so I ghosted him." "Why?"

"My daddy always told me, 'Beware the Greeks bearing gifs.'"

Two prisoners are talking in a Soviet gulag...

One says: "We're really cut off from the news here. For instance, I never found out the result of the Fischer-Spassky chess match."
The other one replies: "Oh, I lost."

How do angels light a candle?

With a match made in heaven.

Grandpa walks into his grandson watching a football match

Grandpa: who's playing?

Grandson: Czech and Slovakia

Grandpa: against who?

Q: How did the cannibal get caught at the wrestling match?

A: He yelled "Food fight!"

Why is it so hard to win a chess match against an Australian?

Because the moment they attack your king, it's a check, mate!

In today's European Championship soccer match, several players from the Czech Republic were seen slipping on the grass repeatedly in their loss to Denmark, while their Danish opponents didn't seem to have an issue at all.

Must be an issue with Czechs and balances.

Al Gore is in the wrong line of work

Some people's names match their careers surprisingly well. Imagine a psychic named Krystal Ball or a stylist named Barbera Cutter.

But Al Gore is a failure in this regard. He had the perfect opportunity to start a math rock band in the 80s or 90s and just chose to not. It should have been fate.

I personally will never let it go that I'll never hear an album from the math rock legends the Al Gore Rhythms.

At a party chameleon says

"Hey, guys, look what I can do", and changes his color to match the walls of the room. Everyone goes "Wow!" Then octopus comes up to him and says "Hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer, hold my beer."

A man is talking to his doctor about a recurring dream he keeps having.

"I keep dreaming about a soccer match between elephants and mice" the patient said

"No worries" says the doctor and gives the patient some medicine, "take this just before bed and you'll have a dreamless sleep"

"Ok, thank you doctor" responded the man "but can I start it tomorrow? The finals are tonight"

I just heard 50 Cent had his debut boxing match

51

A boxing match is about to start..

A boxing match is about to start.

An ex-criminal steps on the scale and weighs in at 90kg.

Next up.. a professional athlete weighing in at 85kg.

Gotta weigh the pros and cons

Edit but not actually an edit : it's dumb, I'm aware

I matched with a girl on Tinder

She asked, "how tall are you?"

I replied, "5'10, how much do you weigh?"

She got angry and said, "That's body shaming, it's hard to lose weight!"

I laughed and said, "it's harder for me to gain height!"

Chess Champion

The reporter asked the reigning chess grandmaster "What do you do before your games ?"

"Well", said the champ, "I never have sex on the night before a big match"

"Does that help you concentrate? "

"I'm not sure" he sighed "I don't have sex any other night either".

After telling my teenage daughter she has to be home by eleven

Daughter: Why are you so mean!
Me: Well, I consider myself to be above average.
Daughter: What's that mean?
Me: I suppose I could assign each letter a value and then add them up and give you the mean.
Daughter: Are you crazy?
Me: No, that's how you calculate the mean.
Daughter: I don't know what that means.
Me: I don't know yet either, I have to calculate it.
Daughter: Ugh, why do you have to be like this. I'll be home at eleven.

Game, set, match, Dad wins.

My Computer Beat Me At Chess Today

It was no match for me at kickboxing though.