Following is our collection of funny Masturbating jokes. There are some masturbating masterbation jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these masturbating orgasming puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating
...and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I woke up this morning and my left eye was blind!"
"Alright," says the Doctor, "have a seat and I'll check you out."
The doctor looks him in the eye, and after a second says "Well, you're going to have to stop masturbating for a little while."
"Why?" asks the man.
"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."
I was masturbating the other day, and my hand fell asleep.
Post Masturbation Syndrome. It's the 15 minutes after masturbating where you question what life is and what you just did.
"You need to stop masturbating," the doctor said.
The man asked, "Why?"
The doctor replied, "Because I''m trying to examine you!"
"Why?" asked the patient.
"Because I'm trying to give you a physical!"
Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.
Me: Oh no! Why doctor?"
Doctor: Because I'm trying to talk to you, and it's very distracting.
As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."
So if you had 5000 men in a room masturbating, it would be extremely gay.
Son: "I'm over here Dad."
You can explore masturbating jizzed reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean masturbating anaconda dad jokes. There are also masturbating puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
The teachers said I ruined the trip to Auschwitz
A guy goes to the doctor because his knee is swollen and very painful. After a brief chat, the doctor instructs the man to drop his pants so he can examine the knee.
The doctor examines the guy's knee for a moment, looking at it from all angles. He finally looks up at the guy and says, "Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going to have to stop masturbating."
"What? Why?" asks the guy.
"Because I'm trying to examine your knee."
The man is sitting on the examination table when the Urologist walks in. The urologist glances at the man's medical history, makes a few notes and then says: "Look, I hate to break it to you, but you have to stop masturbating."
The man frowns and says, "Why, Doc?"
The urologist responds: "So I can examine you."
I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."
She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"
I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream while masturbating?"
And the Dr says "You have to stop masturbating."
the guy says "Why?"
And the Dr says "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Suddenly an old woman started shouting, "you shouldn't be doing that in public, that's disgusting!!!".
A part of me wanted to scold the old woman, but another part of me thinks...
"Maybe I shouldn't have been masturbating on a bus..."
after being caught masturbating and smoking weed in his office.
No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.
They all looked shocked when I didn't stop
His ears.
Oooo! I get to say it! "Front page?! Wow! Thanks y'all!" Oh yea, and "RIP my inbox"
Good times!
The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop masturbating". Man says "why?"
Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"
A dad walks into his son's bedroom and finds him masturbating.
"Son! That is bad for you, it'll make you go blind".
"Dad, i'm over here''.
No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.
Came clean in court.
You didn't see that coming.
I asked him why and he replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
... while he was masturbating. The son says "Dad, what are you doing?" The father replies with "Don't worry you will be doing this soon enough." Then the son says "how come?" Then the dad says "Because my hand is getting tired."
He asks him, "Daddy what are you doing?"
His dad responds, "Don't worry son, you'll be doing it soon."
The boy then asks, "Why's that daddy?"
His dad answers, "Because my arms getting tired.."
No exact details were given to the public, but he was a high wanking officer
She has such soft hands...
He said Sure, if it bothers you, I'll stop.
When I asked him why that could possibly be necessary, he said
"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."
So I came as fast as I could.
I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating with a cucumber and I immediately shut the door.
"Ewe gross, I was going to eat that later, now it's going to taste like a cucumber"
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.
He said, "What are you doing father?"
"It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why father?" he asked.
"Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.
I don't know what come over me.
He said that I needed to stop masturbating.
I asked "Why? I'm a normal 22 year old man, it shouldn't be an issue".
He said "Yeah but I'm trying to examine you".
The doctor tells him, "You have to stop masturbating."
The man says, "Why?"
The doctor says, "Because I'm trying to give you a physical."
Doctor: It's bad news, Jim.
Jim: What is it, doc?
Doctor: You have to stop masturbating.
Jim: Oh god...why?
Doctor: Because I'm talking to you.
He said, "Son, don't you know doing that will make you go blind!"
I said, "Dad, I'm over here."
Dad tells him "son... you'll be doing this soon".
The son asks "why... because I'm about to hit puberty?"
To which the dad replies "no... because my arm is getting sore"
Masturbating to a optical illusion, I screamed "it's not what it looks like!!"
I turned and yelled "it's not what it looks like!"
My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion. I threw my hands up and said, "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"
He had me take off my clothes and put on a gown so he could complete a full physical. I was worried I would be receiving a prostate exam. Anyways, he walked back in and had me pull my gown up for the ole turn your head and cough check. When I did he took one look at me and said, "Very interesting....You have got to stop masturbating." I asked why, he said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Doctor: I don't know how to tell you this but you really have to stop masturbating.
Patient: Really doctor, why?
Doctor: So I can examine you.
I think she saw me coming.
They said it was a dishonorable discharge.
Unless it's a rear view mirror, and you're driving a school bus
He said, "Bad news. You are going have to stop masturbating."
"What?... Permanently?..."
"No. Just while I am examining you."
You'll have to stop masturbating for a while.
Patient: Why?
Doctor: Because I'm talking to you.
I was annoyed because I was gonna eat that later...
And now it's gonna taste like carrot....
She sent me to my room and told me my dad would talk to me after work.
When my Dad came home he sat me down and said "Son, if you keep doing that, you'll go blind"
I said "I'm over here Dad"
She called me a "SICK PERVERT!" and slammed the door.
A few days later, I caught her masturbating. She called me a "SICK PERVERT!" and slammed the door.
"Why"? I asked him.
"So I can examine you." he said.
Beef stroganoff.
My favorite joke I was told as a child.
Maybe I shouldn't have been standing in his garden.
I asked, *Why??*
He said, Because. I'm trying to complete your examination and you're making things really awkward right now.
His ears
In response, I told her, It's not what it looks like.
His ears.
Cause I'm trying to give you a physical
##
## But he wouldn't.
I looked straight into her eyes and said "shut the door!"
Her face turned all red and she yelled at me "get inside!!!"
The priest said don't look so shocked son ... you will be doing this soon.
Why is that Father?
Because my arm is getting tired.
A WeedWhacker (sorry if it's awful first time on this sub)
Is it fair to say his addiction is getting out of hand?
He says "Mom, Dad what are you doing?"
The Dad replies "I'm playing poker and your mom is the wild card"
1 week later He walks in on his grandparents
He says "Grandpa, Grandma what are you doing?"
The Grandpa says "I'm playing poker and your grandma is the wild card"
Another week passes and the dad walks in on his son masturbating
The Dad says "Son don't you need a wild card for that?
The Son says "Not as long as you have a good hand
It's fair to say his addiction got out of hand.
Bet you didn't see that coming.
Why they were walking around masturbating is beyond me.
It's the 3rd day and I haven't eaten any nuts yet. I just distract myself by constantly masturbating all day.
I said "it's not what it looks like"
Thankfully, after about ten seconds of embarrassing silence, the light turned green.
Your ears, listening for footsteps.
A hijacker.
His ears....
is super handy.
Beef circle jerky
Im over here mum he replied
A little later she had send my dad up to talk to me about it.
"So your mum told me you were, you know... Touching yourself down there - and, ergh... Don't do that son, it'll male your eyes go bad"
I said: "I'm over here dad"
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the masturbating masturbator jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working masturbating handjob piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.