The Best 82 Masturbating Jokes

Isn't it weird when sometimes you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?

Anyway, my dad just caught me masturbating

So a guy walks into the doctors office...

...and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I woke up this morning and my left eye was blind!"

"Alright," says the Doctor, "have a seat and I'll check you out."

The doctor looks him in the eye, and after a second says "Well, you're going to have to stop masturbating for a little while."

"Why?" asks the man.

"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."

I've come to the conclusion that my sex life sucks.

I was masturbating the other day, and my hand fell asleep.

Guys get PMS too...

Post Masturbation Syndrome. It's the 15 minutes after masturbating where you question what life is and what you just did.

A man went to see his doctor.

"You need to stop masturbating," the doctor said.

The man asked, "Why?"

The doctor replied, "Because I''m trying to examine you!"

During a routine physical the Doctor said, "You've got to stop masturbating."

"Why?" asked the patient.

"Because I'm trying to give you a physical!"

I got fired today, because my boss caught me masturbating with a vegetable

Apparently nursing homes have strict rules about what you can do with patients.

Doctor: I have the results of your test. You're gonna have to stop masturbating.

Me: Oh no! Why doctor?"

Doctor: Because I'm trying to talk to you, and it's very distracting.

Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad masturbating in the living room...

As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."

Did you know when a man masturbates he generates 5 BTU of energy..

So if you had 5000 men in a room masturbating, it would be extremely gay.

Dad: "Son, if you don't stop masturbating you're gonna go blind."

Son: "I'm over here Dad."

I was expelled from school for masturbating in the showers

The teachers said I ruined the trip to Auschwitz

Guy goes to the doctor

A guy goes to the doctor because his knee is swollen and very painful. After a brief chat, the doctor instructs the man to drop his pants so he can examine the knee.

The doctor examines the guy's knee for a moment, looking at it from all angles. He finally looks up at the guy and says, "Well, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going to have to stop masturbating."

"What? Why?" asks the guy.

"Because I'm trying to examine your knee."

A man has an appointment with a urologist.

The man is sitting on the examination table when the Urologist walks in. The urologist glances at the man's medical history, makes a few notes and then says: "Look, I hate to break it to you, but you have to stop masturbating."

The man frowns and says, "Why, Doc?"

The urologist responds: "So I can examine you."

My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream while masturbating?"

So this guy goes to the Dr.

And the Dr says "You have to stop masturbating."

the guy says "Why?"

And the Dr says "Because I'm trying to examine you."

On the bus today, I saw an attractive young woman breastfeeding

Suddenly an old woman started shouting, "you shouldn't be doing that in public, that's disgusting!!!".

A part of me wanted to scold the old woman, but another part of me thinks...

"Maybe I shouldn't have been masturbating on a bus..."

I just read that a veteran policeman has been suspended from his job...

after being caught masturbating and smoking weed in his office.
No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

I walked into a room full of men masturbating

They all looked shocked when I didn't stop

What is the most sensitive part of a mans anatomy while he's masturbating?

His ears.

Oooo! I get to say it! "Front page?! Wow! Thanks y'all!" Oh yea, and "RIP my inbox"
Good times!

I can't remember where I read this, but I heard too much masturbating causes memory loss.

A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts

The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop masturbating". Man says "why?"

Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"

So a dad catches his son masturbating...

A dad walks into his son's bedroom and finds him masturbating.

"Son! That is bad for you, it'll make you go blind".

"Dad, i'm over here''.

An officer was fired for smoking cannabis and masturbating on the job.

No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

Man sentenced to five years for masturbating with soap in public.

Came clean in court.

A vampire masturbating into a mirror.

You didn't see that coming.

My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.

I asked him why and he replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

A child walks in on his dad...

... while he was masturbating. The son says "Dad, what are you doing?" The father replies with "Don't worry you will be doing this soon enough." Then the son says "how come?" Then the dad says "Because my hand is getting tired."

A boy walks in on his dad masturbating...

He asks him, "Daddy what are you doing?"

His dad responds, "Don't worry son, you'll be doing it soon."

The boy then asks, "Why's that daddy?"

His dad answers, "Because my arms getting tired.."

An officer was fired for smoking weed and masturbating on the job...

No exact details were given to the public, but he was a high wanking officer

My grandma caught me masturbating and she had a stroke...

She has such soft hands...

I was in the confessional booth today and I asked the priest if he thought it might be a good idea to stop masturbating.

He said Sure, if it bothers you, I'll stop.

Last time I went for an eye exam, the doctor said to me, "You're going to have to stop masturbating."

When I asked him why that could possibly be necessary, he said
"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."

I was masturbating when I heard some one scream "Help".

So I came as fast as I could.

I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating

I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating with a cucumber and I immediately shut the door.

"Ewe gross, I was going to eat that later, now it's going to taste like a cucumber"

Masturbating

An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.

He said, "What are you doing father?"

"It's called masturbating," the priest replied. "You'll be doing this soon."

"Why father?" he asked.

"Because my wrist is killing me," the priest replied.

I tried masturbating upside down last night ...

I don't know what come over me.

I went to the doctor the other day

He said that I needed to stop masturbating.

I asked "Why? I'm a normal 22 year old man, it shouldn't be an issue".

He said "Yeah but I'm trying to examine you".

A man goes to the doctor for a physical.

The doctor tells him, "You have to stop masturbating."

The man says, "Why?"

The doctor says, "Because I'm trying to give you a physical."

Doctor's visit

Doctor: It's bad news, Jim.

Jim: What is it, doc?

Doctor: You have to stop masturbating.

Jim: Oh god...why?

Doctor: Because I'm talking to you.

My dad walked in on me masturbating

He said, "Son, don't you know doing that will make you go blind!"

I said, "Dad, I'm over here."

Son walks in on his dad masturbating

Dad tells him "son... you'll be doing this soon".

The son asks "why... because I'm about to hit puberty?"

To which the dad replies "no... because my arm is getting sore"

My girlfriend caught me

Masturbating to a optical illusion, I screamed "it's not what it looks like!!"

My wife walked in on me masturbating to a picture of an optical illusion...

I turned and yelled "it's not what it looks like!"

My wife walked in on me...

My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion. I threw my hands up and said, "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"

I went to the doctor today...

He had me take off my clothes and put on a gown so he could complete a full physical. I was worried I would be receiving a prostate exam. Anyways, he walked back in and had me pull my gown up for the ole turn your head and cough check. When I did he took one look at me and said, "Very interesting....You have got to stop masturbating." I asked why, he said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

I don't know how to tell you this

Doctor: I don't know how to tell you this but you really have to stop masturbating.

Patient: Really doctor, why?

Doctor: So I can examine you.

I just spent £500 on a fortune teller, and all she told me was that she had a vision of me masturbating.

I think she saw me coming.

I was kicked out of the army when they caught me masturbating.

They said it was a dishonorable discharge.

Masturbating while looking in a mirror isn't wrong.

Unless it's a rear view mirror, and you're driving a school bus

I had my prostate checked the other day...

He said, "Bad news. You are going have to stop masturbating."

"What?... Permanently?..."

"No. Just while I am examining you."

Doctor: I have some medical news.

You'll have to stop masturbating for a while.

Patient: Why?

Doctor: Because I'm talking to you.

I caught my sister masturbating with a carrot

I was annoyed because I was gonna eat that later...

And now it's gonna taste like carrot....

NSFW When I was 17, my mom caught me masturbating

She sent me to my room and told me my dad would talk to me after work.

When my Dad came home he sat me down and said "Son, if you keep doing that, you'll go blind"

I said "I'm over here Dad"

When i was 17, my sister caught me masturbating...

She called me a "SICK PERVERT!" and slammed the door.

A few days later, I caught her masturbating. She called me a "SICK PERVERT!" and slammed the door.

I went to the doctor and he told me I had to stop masturbating.

"Why"? I asked him.

"So I can examine you." he said.

What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff.

My favorite joke I was told as a child.

My window cleaner caught me masturbating today. It was awkward.

Maybe I shouldn't have been standing in his garden.

During my annual physical, my doctor was going over the results of my blood work with me. After analyzing the results he looked up and told me I was going to need to quit masturbating.

I asked, *Why??*

He said, Because. I'm trying to complete your examination and you're making things really awkward right now.

What is the most sensitive part of a man's anatomy while he is masturbating?

His ears

My wife caught me masturbating to an optical illusion.

In response, I told her, It's not what it looks like.

What is a man's most sensitive organ when masturbating?

His ears.

My doctor said I need to stop masturbating. When I asked why, he said ..

Cause I'm trying to give you a physical

I asked my priest if it might be a good idea to stop masturbating

##

## But he wouldn't.

My mom opened the door and caught me masturbating.

I looked straight into her eyes and said "shut the door!"
Her face turned all red and she yelled at me "get inside!!!"

An alterboy walks in while a priest masturbating.

The priest said don't look so shocked son ... you will be doing this soon.

Why is that Father?

Because my arm is getting tired.

What do you call a masturbating Vegan?

A WeedWhacker (sorry if it's awful first time on this sub)

If a guy is addicted to masturbating but then gets addicted to sex...

Is it fair to say his addiction is getting out of hand?

A Child walks in on his parents...

He says "Mom, Dad what are you doing?"

The Dad replies "I'm playing poker and your mom is the wild card"

1 week later He walks in on his grandparents

He says "Grandpa, Grandma what are you doing?"

The Grandpa says "I'm playing poker and your grandma is the wild card"

Another week passes and the dad walks in on his son masturbating

The Dad says "Son don't you need a wild card for that?

The Son says "Not as long as you have a good hand

If a guy is addicted to masturbating but then gets addicted to sex,

It's fair to say his addiction got out of hand.

A vampire masturbating in front of a mirror

Bet you didn't see that coming.

Once, my parents walked in on me masturbating

Why they were walking around masturbating is beyond me.

I don't get what's so hard about No Nut November

It's the 3rd day and I haven't eaten any nuts yet. I just distract myself by constantly masturbating all day.

I got caught masturbating to an optical illusion

I said "it's not what it looks like"

A Strange Woman Looked Into My Window This Morning and Saw Me Masturbating Furiously.

Thankfully, after about ten seconds of embarrassing silence, the light turned green.

What is the most sensitive part of your body when masturbating?

Your ears, listening for footsteps.

What do you call a guy in a tree masturbating?

A hijacker.

What is the most sensitive part on mans body while he is masturbating.

His ears....

Masturbating

is super handy.

What do you call a circle of masturbating cows?

Beef circle jerky

I went into my sons room and said remember, son, masturbating can make you go blind.

Im over here mum he replied

When I was a kid my mum walked in on me masturbating

A little later she had send my dad up to talk to me about it.

"So your mum told me you were, you know... Touching yourself down there - and, ergh... Don't do that son, it'll male your eyes go bad"

I said: "I'm over here dad"