The Best 31 Masterbating Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Masterbating jokes. There are some masterbating masterbate jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these masterbating dad puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Masterbating Jokes and Puns

Did you see the guy masterbating into a crustacean?

That's him in a nut shell.

A mom catches her son masterbating...

So she tells the father to talk to him. Father walks in to the boys room and tells him "Son, you do know that doing that too often will lead to blindness...".

The son says "Dad, I'm over here."

A man visits the doctor...

...who says to him "*Okay, Sir, I think you're going to have to stop masterbating"*

*"But why, Doc?*" the man replies.

"*Because this is the waiting room*".

Masterbating joke, A man visits the doctor...

So a guy walks in on his daughter masterbating with a cucumber.

"SICK!" he said.

"I was going to eat that.... Now it's going to taste like cucumber."

What do you call a Japanese boy who just got beat by his dad after getting got masterbating?

A fap happy jappy with a slap happy pappy.


I gave up masterbating

I haven't been feeling myself lately

I don't get why I have to wash my hands after masterbating.

It's not like my dick's been anywhere.

Masterbating joke, I don't get why I have to wash my hands after masterbating.

A man goes in for a checkup

The doctor says, "Sir, you will need to stop masterbating."

The man looks at him and says, "Why?"

The doctor responds, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

What do you call 100 cows masterbating ?

Beef Strokenoff

My roommate said he was going to quite masterbating

I asked how that was going. He said, "I don't know man I just haven't been feeling myself."

What do you call a masterbating zombie?

A Deadbeat.

You can explore masterbating quitter reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean masterbating strokinoff dad jokes. There are also masterbating puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


The photo technician got caught masterbating to people's photos

They charged him with "indecent exposure"

What do you call a cow masterbating?

Beef stroking off

Have you ever been caught masterbating in a closet?

Them: No.

You: It's a really good hiding spot isn't it.....

What's the most sensitive part of your body when you're masterbating?

Your ears, to hear if someone is coming.

The doctor told the man, "You've got to stop masterbating."

The man said "But why, doc?"

"Because I'm trying to finish your physical and can't concentrate with you jerking off."

Masterbating joke, The doctor told the man, "You've got to stop masterbating."

Two male pornstars are in a masterbating competition

Their names are chicken and egg

Went to the doctors last night

I went to the doctors last night, he said to me "sir, you are going to have to stop masterbating."
I asked "why what's wrong?"
"You're upsetting the other patients!"

I'll never forget the first woman that ever saw my junk

She grounded me for masterbating


I just spent the last 4 hours masterbating...

My Fitbit says 7,219 steps and 5.9 miles!

My Wife Got Angry I Was Masterbating Our Neighbor

I told her but the bible says "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself".

What do you call a masterbating cow

Beef jerky

So, I walked in on He-Man while he was Masterbating...

He just was so embarrassed and tried to explain Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword .

I went to get a prostate exam and the doctor told me I need to stop masterbating...

I asked why?

He said, "because I'm trying to examine you."

I went to get an eye exam...

The optometrist told me to stop masterbating.

I asked, Why, does it really cause blindness?

He said, No, it's just really an unprofessional thing to be doing right now.

I was addicted to masterbating...

But then I beat it

I never used to enjoy masterbating...

I guess it must have rubbed off on me.

If a normal guy masterbating is called "beating his meat"...

...does it mean when a guy paralyzed from waist down masterbates, he's "beating his veggies"?

What's the most sensitive part of the body when masterbating?

The ears

They told me that I would never be able to injure myself whilst masterbating.

But I managed to pull it off

My son got busted at school for masterbating.

When I got home, I burst into his room shouting you can't be doing stuff like that boy, you'll go blind!

He said, I'm over here Dad!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the masterbating orgasming jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working masterbating examine piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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