Massive Jokes

132 massive jokes and hilarious massive puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about massive that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for a laugh? Check out this article for some of the funniest jokes featuring characters with massive foreheads, heads, teeth, and more. These jokes are sure to make you chuckle with their enormous and hefty punchlines!

Funniest Massive Short Jokes

Short massive jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The massive humour may include short gigantic jokes also.

  1. If this year has taught us anything, it's that donald trump is a regular American citizen He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job
  2. There's a new COVID-19 strain that's causing people to gain massive amounts of weight. The om-nom-nom-icron variant.
  3. I just killed a massive spider crawling across the floor with my shoe. I don't really care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
  4. I have a massive crush on a world leader, my wife thinks I'm joking... ...but it's Trudeau
  5. The last wedding I was at was very emotional. Everybody was crying, the Bride and Groom, the whole reception, the priest..
    Even the massive cake was in tiers..
  6. My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea. She won't find out until she unpacks her luggage.
  7. I took a massive gamble and just sunk all my life savings into a Butcher shop on a blimp. The steaks have never been higher!
  8. The wife just gave me a massive bollocking for throwing a snowball at our son. To top it off, I've been banned from the maternity ward
  9. My Doctor has advised me to stop drinking - its going to be a massive change for me. I've been with that doctor for 15 years...
  10. What do you get if you eat 3.14 cakes? Probably a massive stomachache.
    What, you didn't think I would make a pie joke on my cake day did you??

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Massive One Liners

Which massive one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with massive? I can suggest the ones about enormous and huge.

  1. I ate 4 bowls of delicious alphabet soup. After that I had a massive vowel movement.
  2. So I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup today.. I'm expecting a massive vowel movement.
  3. I ate four bowls of Alphabet Soup... Then I had a massive vowel movement
  4. Recently my friend passed away, and we saved his brain onto a massive computer Rest in PC
  5. Your mom is very attractive... ...mainly due to her massive gravitational pull.
  6. I ate pelican today Never again. The bill was massive.
  7. Did you hear about that massive chunk of gold? It's au-fully heavy.
  8. I have a MASSIVE heroine problem... I'm addicted to fat women who save my life.
  9. What is Minnie Mouse's father's name? Massive Mouse
  10. I have a massive fear of that speed bump near my house. But I am slowly getting over it.
  11. What Saudi funded event ended in a massive collapse on 9/11? Hillary Clinton's campaign.
  12. The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper She was wearing massive gloves
  13. What do you call death by a massive pumpkin falling on your head? gourd to death
  14. With great power Comes a massive energy bill
  15. Reincarnation is really a thing. I used to be a wild dog but now I'm a massive boar.

Massive Head Jokes

Here is a list of funny massive head jokes and even better massive head puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you hear about the massive bounty on Cerberus' head? Apparently, he turned himself in.
Massive joke, Did you hear about the massive bounty on Cerberus' head?

Humorous Massive Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life

What funny jokes about massive you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tremendous jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make massive pranks.

I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared.

I thought, "Thats the biggest wave I've ever seen."

What is the difference between an eskimo and a e**...?

One is a frigid midget with a rigid digit, the other is a massive vassal with a passive tassel
(found this in Horace's Satires)

Days after a massive F5 tornado hits Mississippi.. experts estimate it did over 50 million dollars worth of good.

Rihanna's take on the meteor

A massive meteor has hit Russia injuring hundreds, Rihanna insist that the meteor has changed and deserves a second chance.

I was hungover this morning so I phoned work and said to the boss...

.. "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."
"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."

Three Engineers

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer are sitting around and talking about God.
The mechanical engineer says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Just look at the human body - a light-weight skeleton with moving parts holding up a massive frame of muscle and fat. God must be a mechanical engineer!"
The electrical engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is an electrical engineer. Just look at the human body - the nerve system routes electrical signals to the brain which is essentially a computer. God must be an electrical engineer!"
The civil engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is a civil engineer. Just look at the human body - only a civil engineer would run a toxic waste pipe through a playground."

Gorilla Encounter

Two gay guys are at the Zoo. They come across a gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive e**.... The gay men are fascinated by this.
One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for two hours non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage.
An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"
"AM I HURT?" he shouts. "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"

A man knows his marraige is on the rocks and wants to buy a grand gift for his wife...

He offers to buy her a Ferrari but she says no, he offers to get her a massive diamond ring but she declines, he asks her if she wants a huge yacht but she again turns him down. Exasperated, he says 'well what *do* you want?' to which she replies 'a divorce!', the guy goes deathly pale and whimpers 'I wasn't planning on spending *that* much'.

Two women meet in heaven...

There's these two women meeting for the first time in heaven who's names are Carol and Lydia. Carol leans over and asks Lydia what the cause of her death was. Lydia says, "Well I froze to death. How did you die?" To which Carol replies "I died of a massive heart attack." Very concerned, Lydia asks "What caused the heart attack?" Carol starts then explaining on how she thought her husband was cheating on her. And how she had come home early to catch him in the act but, to her surprise, only found her husband sitting in the den reading a book. But convinced there was another women in the house, she frantically started destroying the house looking for the other women until she was so exhausted that her heart just stopped working. Amazed at the story, Lydia looks at Carol and says, "If you would have looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Why was old Bilbo's body found with a massive e**...?

Because old hobbits die hard.

Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...

Yes, I forgot our anniversary again.

The police are currently on the lookout for a massive homeless dumpling that has been indiscriminately ransacking houses for money to buy basic necessities.

He's a wanted wanting wanton one-ton wonton.

This morning some bloke drove up to my house in a huge lorry and dumped off a massive pile of lego blocks.

I'm so furious I don't know what to make of it.

Why don't NASA Scientists ever hire black prostitutes?

Because they already spend all day looking into super massive black holes.

My prediction for the fight.

I predict Mayweather with a massive right hook and an uppercut to finish it. Then once he's done practicing on his girlfriend, he will lose on points to Manny.

There was a massive e**... at a French cheese factory this morning...

All that remains is de brie.

Donald Trump has just announced a massive jobs program involving tax credits for shredded cheese factories.

He says he wants to "make America grate again."

Two Women Talking in Heaven

1 Woman: Hi, Wandal
2 Woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?
1 Woman: I froze to death.
2 Woman: How horrible!
1 Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2 Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1 Woman: So what happened?
2 Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1 Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer-we'd both still be alive.

Did you hear about the tarpaulin conspiracy??

It was a massive coverup

dwights farm as suffered a massive blight, almost bankrupt he was signed for a massive record deal on the condition he give up farming

turns out all he had to do was drop those sick beets

A body builder takes off his shirt.

A blonde says, "Wow, what a great chest you have!"

He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!"

He takes off his pants and the blonde says "What massive calves you have!"
He replies, "That's 100lbs of dynamite, babe!"

He then removes his underwear and the blonde runs off screaming in fear. He puts his clothes back on and chases behind her. He finally catches up with her and asks why she ran like that.

She says, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!"

I got a new job at a quarry today, and the foreman was showing me around when

I saw this huge rock. I told him, "Wow! That's a really big rock!"
"Boulder." He says.
**"WOW!!!! THATS A REALLY MASSIVE ROCK,"** I say while puffing my chest out.

My father looked at me over the dinner table as I chewed on a massive steak

"Aren't you going to eat anything else?"
He asked.
"Cavemen only ate meat, do you see any of them around?"
I looked up at him and replied.

BodyBuilder and a Blonde

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, 'What a great chest you have!'
He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, 'What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, 'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.'
He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was

I'm not sure if putting Christmas lights up would offend my Jewish neighbours.

So just to be sure, i'll hang a massive s**... in my window too.

An alien mothership is scouting planet Earth.

Alien Scout: Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.
Alien Commander: This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?
Alien Scout: Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.

The density of saturn is so low that the whole planet would float on the water in your bath.

However, you wouldn't want to try this experiment at home as it would leave a massive ring around the tub.

At least my massive s**... wasn't all bad news.

My poker playing has improved by about 50%.

My girlfriend said she was going to get a massive tattoo of a snake on her back.

"Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."
"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."
"No," I said. "I mean being single."

A black person is walking down the road...

When all of a sudden he peels over with a massive throbbing pain in his heart. He grabs his chest and screams in pain. A man sees this and runs to his aid.
"Sir, listen to me, you are going into cardiac arrest." the helpful citizen says.
"But I didn't even do nothing!"

The Captain of the Titanic heard a massive crunch.

But that was just the tip of the iceberg.

An elderly man had a massive s**... and his family drove him to the hospital.

After a while, the doctor appeared wearing a long face.
Doctor: I'm afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.
"Oh dear God," cried his wife, we've never had a liberal in the family before!"

There was once a robot whose job it was to organize all the shelves of a massive library that had thousands of books. Every day he did his job without missing a beat. One day though, he didn't show up to work. The librarians were all perplexed that a robot would do something like that...

Turns out he had become shelf aware.

What's massive, scary, starts with T, ends with X, and eats people alive?


My flatmates and I got into a massive argument about using the boiler today.

Things got heated.

I was out duck hunting with Olivia Wilde.

After a while, Olivia spotted a massive duck in the distance and insisted that I hunt it down.
I started to follow it, through bushes and brambles, woods and fields, over hills and through valleys, until finally, I caught up with it. The huge duck turned in my direction, honked and started running after me...
It was at that moment I realised, I wasn't pursuing a duck for Olivia, I was on a Wilde goose chase.

Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates of Heaven, a man saw a massive wall of clocks.

He asked St Peter what is with all the clocks?
St Peter responded, These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.
The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving. "Whose clock is that?" He asked.
St Peter said that was Mother Teresa. She never told a lie.
Whose is that? Abe Lincoln's. It moved two ticks. Showing he lied twice.
Understanding the system, he asked, Where's Donald Trump's clock?
St. Peter responded It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

My mother-in-law once went on holiday with a massive case of diarrhoea.

She only found out when she opened her suitcase.

My 5yo son just told me this joke and it made me chuckle so thought I'd share... "Mom, if I had twenty apples in this hand (shakes left hand) and twenty apples in this hand (shakes right hand), what would I have?..."

"Massive hands!"

Justin told me my mama was so fat she had a gravitational orbit ...

I told him he doesn't understand how physics works, cause everyone has a gravitational orbit.
Then I informed him his dad is so massive that his gravitational orbit is so large, not even light can escape it — and that's why he hasn't seen his dad in 20 years!

So when Spiderman produces a white sticky substance it's "cool"

Why is it whenever I produce a white sticky substance I'm considered a "massive pervert"?

Even though we didn't get the glorious wall the president promised...

We did get a massive cave.

(Get Ready to be Blown Away) What Do You Call A Hospital Full Of Sick Doctors?

**A Staff Infection** *massive applause*

I don't need pictures of my wife on my phone to remind me of her.

The screen has a massive crack in it.

My wife said I am going to cycle 10 miles every day to get my body back in shape, I said good girl go for it, I have noticed a massive difference after just 4 weeks.

She is 280 miles away.

A bus carrying a jazz band has broke down on the highway

Witnesses are reporting a massive jam

Trump goes to Israel

and while praying at the wailing wall, suffers a massive heart attack and dies. The Israeli diplomat says they can bury him in the Holy Land for 100 bucks or embalm him and ship him back for 50k. The American diplomat opts for the 50k option. The Israeli asks why take the most expensive solution? The American responds, well another man buried here rose from the dead and we cannot take that chance.

Saw a massive spider in my room earlier

Named him Cotton Eye Joe, because I want to know two things...where did he come from and where did he go?!

"I got her!''

A drunk old man gets into a taxi Mercedes E Class. After a short time, he asks, "Why do Mercedes cars have that on their bonnet?"
The driver jokingly replies, "It is there so I could aim pedestrians."
He accelerates sharply, narrowly missing out an old lady which was passing the street. After that, he heard a massive thump.
"What the b**... h**... was that??" the driver asked
The drunk man replies, "You missed her, I got her with my door".

Thor was viewing the earth, when he saw a beautiful milkmaid. He transformed to human form, descended to earth - and seduced her.

They made love for 3 days and 3 nights, then one morning Thor was stood with his back to her, shuttered sunlight streaming through his golden hair and across his massive frame - the very image of godlike perfection. And he spoke.
Darling, I must away from this place he turned round for dramatic effect, then thundered. FOR I, AM THOR!
She replied YOU'RE thor? I can barely thtand!

I'll try to translate this joke from Spanish

A man is walking down the road carrying a shovel when his friend sees him.
Friend: Hey Pablo, you sure do look tired. What have you been up to?
Pablo: I come from burying my mother in law.
Friend: And you're that tired? Even with how strong you are?
Pablo: The massive b**... wouldn't let me!

A guy walking down the road ,comes across a farmer. This farmer has boxes upon upon boxes of peaches, in the middle of nowhere mind you.

The guy, buys a few peaches and asks the farmer, what do you do with this massive amount of peaches
The farmer replies 'well we sell what we can, and what we can't we can.'

Dad, why is my sister named Olivia?

"Because your mother had a massive craving for olives when she was pregnant."
"That makes sense. Thanks dad."
"No problem, Richard."

Did anyone hear about that country who started using balloons as currency?

They ended up with a massive inflation problem.

If a man has got 6 apples in one hand and 8 bananas in the other... what has he got?

...Massive hands

Aliens come to earth...

They meet with all the world leaders. Eventually it's the Pope's turn to chat to them. He asks the one alien, Greetings alien, what do you think of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?
The alien exclaims, Ah, JC! He's my boy! We have a massive party when he visits us once a year!
He visits you once a year? The Pope asks in astonishment. He hasn't been to earth in more than two millennia! How did you manage that?!
Well, when he first came to our planet we gave him a box of our finest chocolates. What did you guys do?

With the massive downturn in international travel, aircraft manufacturer Fokker has started developing planes for the military. Their latest is a small, super stealthy reconnaissance plane that is almost undetectable!

It's called the Sneaky Little Fokker.

My uncle used to circumcise elephants. The pay was terrible, but...

The tips were massive.

My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea....

She probably won't find out until she gets home and starts unpacking.

From my 13 year old brother: I had to pause my game today to take a massive p**......

It was the Call of Doodie.

I imagine doing a massive s**... is a lot like giving birth;

You push and strain really hard, feel happy when it finally comes out, and then there's no greater pleasure then admiring and holding it for the first very first time.

During this period of the pandemic, a group of extraordinarily thin people came together to form a band.

It was a massive success. They were the best in their fields. The violin, oh so melodious! The synth on point everytime. The acoustics, superb.
One time they were offered to perform a virtual concert. All the tickets sold out.
But when the time came for them to perform, they couldn't connect to the internet.
They did not have enough bandwidth.

TIL I'm allergic to leather.

Every time I wake up with my shoes on, I have a massive headache and feel quite sick.

I recently decided I'm going to try to quit pleasuring myself.

I can already tell this is going to end up being a massive bust.

Massive joke, I recently decided I'm going to try to quit pleasuring myself.

jokes about massive