Mass Jokes
168 mass jokes and hilarious mass puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mass that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article provides an exploration of the various connotations of the word "mass," ranging from physical concepts like atomic and molar mass to societal activities such as Latin and Midnight Mass. Read on to learn about the implications of mass in terms of particle and bulk properties, as well as its use in popular culture, for example the Mass Effect video game and Facebook's "mass post" feature.
Quick Jump To
- Short Mass Jokes
- Mass One Liners
- Mass Shooting Jokes
- Mass Higgs Jokes
- Atomic Mass Jokes
- Muscle Mass Jokes
- Air Mass Jokes
- More Mass Jokes
Funniest Mass Short Jokes
Short mass jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mass humour may include short magnitude jokes also.
- Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight... There would be mass confusion.
- Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings? Because it's always too soon.
^(i feel bad) - A Muslim guy killed 50 people in a mass shooting… Who says they can't integrate into American culture?
- A Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church The Priest says " you can't be here!". The particle replies "you can't have mass without me
- A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church. The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!"
The Higgs-boson particle says
"But you can't have mass without me!" - I'm not sure what the first church on the moon will look like... But I'm sure the mass will be the same.
- Imagine if the rest of the world changed from Kilograms to Pounds overnight There would be a mass confusion
- If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called? 'American'.
Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.
- A Higgs boson enters a church And the priest says, "I'm sorry, we don't allow Higgs bosons in churches"
The Higgs replies, "but without me, you can't have mass" - A Higgs Boson walks into a church The priest says we don't allow Higgs Bosons in here . The Higgs Boson then replies but without me, how could you have mass?
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Mass One Liners
Which mass one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mass? I can suggest the ones about weight and gravity.
- Sin city we all know is Las vegas, but do you know what Den city is? Mass over volume.
- Why is gravity so cheap? Why Because it's mass-produced.
- Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap. There were a lot of casual tees.
- May the force be... ... Equal to Mass times Acceleration.
- How do you measure the mass of God? Yahweh it of course.
- What is first prize in a competition to lose muscle mass? a trophy.
- Why won't the U.S. switch to the metric system? There would be mass confusion
- Have you heard of the object without mass? It doesn't matter
- Did you hear that Protons have mass?... I didn't even know they were Catholic!
- Happy Father's Day or, mass confusion, if you live in Harlem.
- I'm just glad eminem will never be a mass shooter He only gets one shot
- Why do physicists love going to church It's the center of mass
- Which US state is the sneeziest? Mass-atchoo-setts
- How does Satan measure his mass? In pentagrams.
- Why didn't USA switch from pounds to grams? Because of mass outrage.
Mass Shooting Jokes
Here is a list of funny mass shooting jokes and even better mass shooting puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I think Americans are right to worry about immigrants Because they might commit a mass shooting just to fit in with the culture.
- There was a mass shooting at the Gap store this afternoon. They're still counting the casual Tees.
- What do you call a shooting in a Boston Catholic Church? A Mass mass mass shooting.
- Did you hear about the gunfight in the Catholic church? Mass Shooting
- Did you hear about the mass shooting at the thrift shop? The killer was said to be goodwill hunting.
- What do you call shooting into a crowd of people at church in Massachusetts? A mass mass mass shooting
- Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings? Because it's always too soon.
- If someone was shot in a chapel... ...would that count as a mass shooting?
- Did you hear about the gunman who shot up a Catholic Church? Yeah, it was a Mass Shooting
- Did you hear the tragedy of the cameraman in the church? It was a mass shooting.
Mass Higgs Jokes
Here is a list of funny mass higgs jokes and even better mass higgs puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church... The priest says, "Hey hey hey, you're not allowed here."
The Higgs boson says, "But without me, there would be no mass." - A Higgs Boson walks into a Church and is told to leave He says 'but you can't have mass without me!'
- A Higgs Boson walks into a Church They are aghast.
The priest says, "You!! You claim to be a god particle. Your kind are not allowed here."
HB replies, "Then how do you have mass?" - A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church.. Priest: "I'm sorry we don't allow Higgs bosons in here."
Higgs boson: "oh I'm sorry, but without me you can't have mass." - Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church Priest says 'you're not allowed in here! Get out!' Higgs Boson looks at him confused, 'but without me you can't have mass.'
- A Higgs Boson particle walks into a church... "You can't be here" says the pastor
The Higgs Boson particle responds
"But with out me, how can you have mass?!" - It's Dad Jokes Friday, so I'm putting a few up Higgs Boson goes into a church. The priest says "you're not welcome here".
Higgs Boson says...
"You can't have mass without me". - A Higgs bosun walks into a Church. The priest tells the bosun we don't serve your kind here The bosun replies but without me how could you have mass?
- A Higgs Boson particle showed up at church one day. The priest yelled, hey we don't serve your kind here. The Higgs Boson particle said, but you can't have mass without me.
- So a Higgs boson meets the Pope... "You can't have Mass without me."
Atomic Mass Jokes
Here is a list of funny atomic mass jokes and even better atomic mass puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- An atom asks another atom, Do these protons make my mass look big?
- Atoms are catholic. They have mass.
- Where do the elements go to church? At the Atomic Mass!!
- Q: Why are atoms Catholic?
A: Because they have mass. - North Korea invented a weapon that can destroy atoms. It's a weapon of MASS destruction.
- Why is Helium more Catholic than Hydrogen? Because it has more atomic MASS
- Why don't atoms drive to work? They use mass transit
- Atoms Have Mass? I didn't know they were Catholic...
Thank you. Please drive home safely.
Muscle Mass Jokes
Here is a list of funny muscle mass jokes and even better muscle mass puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the priest go to the gym? For muscle mass.
I thought of this one in the shower this morning. - Saw a group of bodybuilding priests at the gym today Talk about muscle mass
- I bought a muscle car, though I thought it was kinda ironic when comparing it's title to my physical mass... I'm not a car.
Air Mass Jokes
Here is a list of funny air mass jokes and even better air mass puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- America is currently being attacked by a big destructive mass that blows hot air everywhere And hurricane Matthew is happening, too.
Cheerful Fun Mass Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about mass you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean heavy jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mass pranks.
There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.
The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.
One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bell. As the child was running running running, he slipped on the banana peel and fell out the window to his death. When the cops came to investigate, the asked the priest for the child's name.
The priest said I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell.
Irishman looking for a parking place
p**... was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
p**... looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
So a Higgs Boson particle goes into a catholic church
And it gets stopped at the door by the bishop.
The bishop says, "Sir, I can't allow you in here."
"What? Why?" the particle responds.
"You call yourself the 'God particle.' That's blasphemy against our Lord."
"Oh, well, I guess that makes sense. Before I go, though, can I ask you a question?"
"Yeah sure," the bishop responds. "Might as well."
"So," the Higgs Boson begins, "if you don't allow me in here, how do you have mass?"
Maybe not "particle-ularily" funny...
So a priest walks into his church and sees a Higgs boson particle hanging around; says "what are you doing here?" the particle says "I've always been here - you can't have mass without me..."
*groan*
A higgs boson particle walks into the Vatican
The Pope says, "you call yourself the God particle! Your blasphemy is not welcome here, get out!"
The higgs boson particle says "but you can't have mass without me."
A Higgs Boson particle walks into a church
The preacher says "We don't allow Higgs Boson particles in here!"
The Higgs Boson particle says "If you don't allow Higgs Boson particles in here, how do you have mass?"
Did you guys hear that the hadron accelerator exploded?
It was mass m**....
Higgs Boson walks into a church
Pastor says "*oh no, no you don't! You have caused the church plenty trouble already, I must ask you to leave immediately!*"
Higgs Boson replies "*but without me, how will you have mass?*"
What's the difference between mass and weight?
Mass is where Catholics go on Sunday, and weight is where sundaes go on Catholics.
(From a poster on the ceiling in my dentists office)
Do you know the fat catholic woman?
She has mass.
So p**... was driving down the street
And he was in a sweat. He was late for an important business meeting and he couldn't find a place to park. In desperation he looked up to god and prayed, "if you find me a parking space, I will go to mass every Sunday from now on and give up drinking whiskey." Miraculously a spot appeared. p**... looked up again and said, "nevermind, I found on."
I got a massage last week...
and it was the first time I had a guy masseuse. So we're like 10 minutes in I just had to ask, is getting an e**... normal? He said yes they are very common. And I was like, well can you get it out of my face...?
Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?
Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.
A nun wakes up late for church....
She runs out after quickly getting dressed, and asks a small boy, "Is mass out?"
He replies, "No but your hat's on crooked."
I thought I found a mass grave of snowmen.
Until I realised it was a field of carrots.
Praying for a parking space..
A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I'll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.
Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.
Why did the physicist at the Hadron Collider get thrown in jail?
Because he was a mass m**...
A man's dog dies
A fine elderly Catholic gentleman lived alone in Southwest Florida in an upscale gated community except for his beloved dog that he had for a long time.
The dog finally died and the gent went to the parish priest, saying "Father, my dear dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the grief stricken man "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a Baptist church down the road, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
The old fellow said "I'll go right now. Thank you Father...By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied
"Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."
There was a massive e**... at a French cheese factory this morning...
All that remains is de brie.
I met my town's bishop at Easter mass today but I think he might be an imposter...
... he didn't move diagonally
A joke I heard at mass
A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"
The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"
Why isn't NSA mass surveillance a hot topic in the US elections?
Because it's the only part of the govt that listens to the American people.
I was getting a massage and I asked the masseuse if it was normal for a man to get an e**...
He replied that it was. So I asked if he could get it out of my face.
Pedro was driving down a street when...
Pedro was driving down the Panjim street in a swift because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my whiskey. I will give up gambling and womanising too!!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pedro looked up again and said," Never mind, I found one ! Sorry I bothered you !!"
During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed.
He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.
It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.
The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.
After waking from the surgery, the caller asked the surgeon if the mass was malignant.
The surgeon replied, "Fortunately, no. It was B9."
How do you know the Japanese mass m**... was a chef?
He spent his day cutting up vegetables
That's the difference between tech support and a mass shooter?
One is a troubleshooter, while the other is a troubled shooter.
Teacher and student
Chemistry teacher: Did you know protons have mass?
Student: 😳 I didn't even know they were catholics.
"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"
"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."
"Why the two dogs?"
"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"
Going to mass is basically just like a dog being trained
A guy tells you to sit and stand and sit and stand, and at the end they give you a snack
How much is twelve units of mass?
Dozen matter.
Jesus may have been offended
Elderly couple in church during Easter mass. Wife turns to husband and says, "I have just done a silent f**..., what should I do?" Husband says, "put new batteries in your hearing aid!"
I have a massive crush on a world leader, my wife thinks I'm joking...
...but it's Trudeau
A physicist was in Las Vegas
Tour guide: Las Vegas is also known as Sin City.
Physicist: Do you know what Den City is though?
Tour guide: No, I don't know.
Physicist: Mass over volume.
I'll see myself out.
At least my massive s**... wasn't all bad news.
My poker playing has improved by about 50%.
"Do you know what sin city is?"
"Yeah, that's Las Vegas"
"But do you know what Den City is"
"No"
"Mass over volume"
Do you know what Sin City is?
Person 1: Do you know what Sin City is?
Person 2: Las Vegas
Person 1: Do you know what the Windy City is?
Person 2: Chicago
Person 1: Do you know what Den City is?
Person 2: ...
Person 1: Mass over volume
I always thought I was destined for Stardom
But then I realised my mass was below 0.08 solar masses.
Where do physicists attend church?
At the center of mass.
What would happen if the United States were to switch from Pounds to Kilograms over night?
*A Mass Confusion*
What's it called when Big Shaq goes to a 2-minute Catholic service?
Quick mass
Massaging the wife
Italian : Last night I massaged my wife with the finest olive oil, then we made love and I made her scream non stop 5 minutes.
French : Last night I massaged my wife with special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream 15 minutes.
American : Thats nothing! Last night I massaged my wife with cheese, then made love and made her scream for 2 hours.
Italian and French, astonished : 2 hours ! How !?
American : I wiped my hands on the curtains...
What do a group of psychiatric patients and an anorexic have in common?
Mass hysteria
Jack goes to his friend Mike
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of s**... questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"
I was talking to my physics teacher...
Teacher: hey, do you know what salt lake city is?
Me: yeah
Teacher: cool, you know what den city is?
Me: no?
Teacher: oh, its mass over volume
Ban weapons of mass dyslexia!
Before they start an unclear war.
Einstein says that anything with mass can't go faster than the speed of light, but...
What if you aren't Christian?
Yo mama so fat...
that when she says 'no',
it's a mass protest.
What do you call a grenade dropped in a church?
A weapon of mass destruction
How do you measure the mass of a red hot chili pepper.
Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh now.
Little Johnny is in Catholic School
The nun teaching the class asks, "Where do you sense Jesus in your life?"
Little Susie, being a good girl says, "I see Jesus when I pray."
Little Timmy says, "I can feel Jesus' presence during Mass."
Little Johnny, with his hand waving eagerly in the air, is finally called on. Johnny says, "Jesus is in my bathroom every morning."
The nun, obviously confused, asks why Johnny thinks this.
Little Johnny answers saying, "Each morning that my Father is late to work, he pounds on the bathroom door saying, 'JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?"
Yo mama so fat.
If someone kills her it's mass m**....
Americans can't switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.
That would cause mass confusion.
p**... was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
p**... looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest.
An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest and tells him, "Father, me old dog died. Can ye say a wee mass for the old gal?"
"No. Can't do it. The Church doesn't do f**... mass for pets, but I'll tell you what, the Protestant church down the hill will most likely do it. They don't have the same high standards that we do."
"Fine father, but I have one more question for ye. Would two hundred euro be enough of a donation to thank them for their services."
The priest's eye grew wide and he slapped the man on the back telling him, "Ahhh, man, why didn't you TELL me that your dog was Catholic?!"
