Massage Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I got a massage last week...

and it was the first time I had a guy masseuse. So we're like 10 minutes in I just had to ask, is getting an erection normal? He said yes they are very common. And I was like, well can you get it out of my face...?

I got fired from my job as a massage therapist

My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way.

I'm going to make an all male massage parlor.

I'll call it The Massagynist

Hit by a fastball

A man walks into his kitchen with his hands between his legs
and a pained expression on his face.
"what happened darling?" says his wife.
"I got hit with a fastball at practice" he replies.
"Oh you poor man, come here and i'll massage it better".
So she pulls out his penis and begins to massage with various scented oils.
"how's that my darling, are you feeling better?"
The man examines his bruised finger and says:
"That's great darling, but I still think i'll lose the nail."

Turned on at the massage parlor.

I finally decided to get a massage last week at a parlor from a gentleman named Alex.

I'm a guy myself but heard he was the best.

Halfway through it was feeling good and I asked him, Is it normal to get a boner during a massage?

Alex said, Yes, happens all the time.

I replied, Great, but can you move so it's not in my face?

I was getting a massage and I asked the masseuse if it was normal for a man to get an erection

He replied that it was. So I asked if he could get it out of my face.

Crotch Massage

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

I asked my masseuse if it was unusual to get an erection during a massage...

the masseuse replied, "not at all it happens all the time."
So i said, "well do you mind keeping it out of my face."

Swedish Massage

A young guy was laying on his back on a massage table, wearing only a towel over his groin.
A young and stunning attractive Swedish girl was massaging his shoulders, then his chest, and gradually worked her way down his body. The guy was getting sexually excited as she approached the towel. The towel began to lift and the Swedish girl arched her eyebrows.
"You wanna wank?" she asked. "You bet!" he said. "Alright..." she said
"I'll come back in ten minutes."

[NSFW] An Orc and an Elf are sitting at a tavern looking at a pretty hobbit girl.

"I took her on a date last night," bragged the Orc.
"And she let me reach under the table and diddle her hairy twat!"

"Liar." Says the Elf.
"It's true! She loved it. Go ask her." Says the Orc.

So the Elf approaches the pretty Hobbit.
"Is it true that you went on a date with that Orc?"

"Oh yes, he was wonderful." Says the hobbit. "Best foot massage I ever had."

I had to quit the massage business.

I kept rubbing people the wrong way.

The Singing Blowjob [NSFW]

So this man go to a massage parlor to get a back massage. After the massage, the masseuse offered him a singing blow job. Intrigued, the man accepts. So the masseuse turned off the lights and started giving him a blowjob. Shortly after beginning she starts singing, in a clear and coherent manor. The man was baffled. The next week he decides to go back and find out how she does it. He goes in and gets the same thing. The masseuse does her thing, turns off the lights, and starts giving him a blowjob. When she starts singing the man turns on the lights and sees a glass eye on his lap.

How do you agitate an achy feminist runner?

massage a knee

I hear my local school wants to introduce massage classes to help combat stress but there's been a lot of opposition from parents' groups.

Apparently, it's a very touchy subject.

I Am Using Your Wife.

A man received message from his neighbour.

Sorry sir I am using your wife.
I am using day and night.
I am using when u r not present at home.
In fact I am using more than U R using.
I confess this because now I feel very much guilt.
Hope U will accept my sincere apologies.

Man went home and had a big fight with his wife.

Few minutes later he received another massage.

Sorry Sir spelling / auto correct mistake ...
it's not wife but WIFI.

A girl gets fired from her job with a Vegas outcall massage service

Seems she rubbed too many guys the wrong way.

Magic Dildo

A woman walks into a sex shop looking to buy a dildo.

"I want the best most powerful dildo you have" she tells the clerk.

"Oh then you want our ultra rare ultra powerful MAGIC DILDO! Just arrived from the jungles of Cambodia."

The clerk then goes on to explain how it works: "Simply say 'Magic Dildo' followed by whatever body part you want it to massage. Like this! 'MAGIC DILDO MY ARM"

Suddenly the dildo leaps up and starts vigorously massaging her arm. "I'll take it!" Says the woman, and she buys it and starts to drive home.
On the car ride home she decides to try it out, "MAGIC DILDO MY PUSSY" she says, and it starts to attack and massage her pussy. It's the best feeling she's ever felt and she starts to swerve all over the road. Soon a cop pulls her over and she puts the dildo away.

"Ma'm, why on earth were you swerving all over the road like that?" asks the cop.

"Honest sir it wasn't my fault! It was my magic dildo!" she replies.

"Yeah rite", says the cop, "MAGIC DILDO MY ASS!"

I can't stand those 'happy ending' massage parlors

Those places just rub me the wrong way

How did the massage therapist lose all of his customers?

He rubbed them all the wrong way

What did Sting get in Amsterdam?

A massage in a brothel

What do you call a happy ending at a Jewish massage parlor?

Free.

*Offensive* A man walking along the train tracks stumbles upon a genie's lamp

The man rubs the lamp & the genie grants him 3 wishes, but a young boy nearby witnesses it all unfold. As the man is about to make his wishes, a train passes by and the curious boy is unable to hear his wishes... when the train is done passing, the genie is gone, but the man is still there, counting money while getting a massage from a gorgeous woman.

The next day, the boy hears that the man is dead, hung from a tree by men wearing white robes, affiliated with the KKK.

The boy confused, goes back to the train track where he saw the lamp and decides to rub it to see what happens... the genie comes out and says "sorry, I'm all out of wishes".

The boy says, OK, but tell me one thing, what did the man wish for yesterday? The genie replies: his first wish was to be rich, his second wish was to have a gorgeous wife, and his third wish was to be hung like a black man

Robert Kraft doesn't always have a use for massage parlors.

But sometimes they come in handy.

I just fired my massage therapist

she rubbed me the wrong way

I went to an Asian massage place...

And when my masseuse came in, I realized it was avril lavigne. So much for my happy ending.

A man goes to a massage parlor looking for a happy ending...

A man goes to a massage parlor looking for a happy ending.

He goes inside and meets with his massage therapist, a middle-aged Asian woman who is not wholly unattractive. She takes him into the room, lights a few candles and leaves the room so he can undress. He does so and lies down on the table.

She returns and begins to massage his back and buttocks, causing him to become aroused. After several minutes, she asks him to roll over, whereupon she notices the large bulge beneath his towel.

"Oh! You want wanky?" she asks, and the man nods emphatically. With a smile, the therapist signals to him with one finger and steps out of the room.

Thirty minutes or so pass, and the man is still lying on the table. By now, he is no longer horny. The therapist finally returns, and peeking her head into the room, she asks, "Are you done?"

I got kicked out of a massage parlor the other day.

Apparently the prostate isn't considered "deep tissue."

My hot dislexic co-worker said she had an important massage to give me in her office...

When I got there, she told me it can wait until I put on some clothes.

I have the best proctologist.

He's able to massage my shoulders and check my prostate at the same time.

A friend went for Thai massage in Bangkok recently.

A friend went for Thai massage in Bangkok recently. He requested for two masseurs, one for him and another for his wife.

After massaging the man for a long time, the Thai massuer said, "Massage pinis". He kept ghastly quiet pretending not to have heard it.

Again, the massuer repeated herself, "Massage pinis". Again he kept quiet, turned his face away from wife and gave a cheeky smile.

Then the wife shouted across, "How many times do you need her to repeat? She said massage has finished!!

Sting has launched his own range of aromatherapy oils.

They're a massage in a bottle

Why was Disney's massage parlor so successful?

All of their customers got happy endings.

My ex was massage therapist before we broke up and I don't know why everytime I see her.

But she just rubs me the wrong way.

A Japanese man, French man and a redneck are sitting at a bar. The subject get around to sex and what they to drive their wife crazy.

The Japanese man: After we make love, I softly massage my wife's breasts. It drives her crazy.

The French man: After we make love, I kiss her eyes, then her breasts, then her sweet spot. It drives her crazy.

The redneck: After I jump the old ladies bones, I get up and wipe my dick off on the curtains. It drives her crazy.

A little boy jumps up from the breakfast table and heads for the door...

His mom says 'Where are you going in such a hurry?'

'I'm going to the massage parlor mum.'

His mother grabs his arm and says 'WHAT? YOU BETTER NOT BE! WHAT ARE YOU TAKING ABOUT?'

'Ok, fine.' He says, 'I'm going to the park to play with Billy, Dad can go get his damn hat himself'

Jewish woman marries wealthy Arab man

She explains to her mom that he is a wonderful man and she can live with her at his palace. She begrudgingly accepts the fact and moves into the palace.

Six months later, the daughter interrupts her mother's daily morning massage and spa treatment and tells her, "I'm not happy in the marriage. All he wants is anal sex. When I got married my anus was the size of a dime, now it's the size of a silver dollar."

Her mother turns her head and looks up at her, "so for ninety cents you're gonna make trouble?"

My left butt cheek was hurting pretty bad earlier, so I asked my girlfriend to massage it for me. I told her...

that I didn't want it half-assed.

When it comes to massage parlors

Some customers are a handful.

Man goes into a massage parlour and asks for the executive service.

So they gave him a desk job.

Got a pretty good eye roll from the wife on this one

My wife was telling me about the hellish day that she had today. When she finished, I thought I would do the right thing and offer to do something nice for her.

ME: "Well babe, if you want, when we get in bed tonight I'll give you the longest and best massage you can imagine. It'll be like you went to a professional masseuse."

She gave me a really skeptical look and asked: "Wait...am I going to end up paying for this massage with sex afterwards?"

"No you don't have to PAY for it with sex....but a tip would be appreciated."

Somebody told me they were going to give me a foot massage...

...but they were just pulling my leg.

I finally worked up the nerve..

The other day, i saw some cuties at the store. I worked up the nerve to approach them and ended up leaving the store with one of them! So we go back home and i take my shirt off and massage her a little.. I started undressing and fingering this little cutie and she squirts all over my hands. I licked my hands and her juices were so sweet, i craved it, i needed it. I fucking love oranges.

I lost my job as a massage therapist.

Apparently, I rub people the wrong way.

So I was at a massage parlor...

During the "happy ending" the lady kept saying

"Wow, your dick is sooooo huge, its the biggest I've ever felt!"

I told her "I appreciate it, miss, but we both know you are just pulling my leg"

I was going to ask my friend if he wanted a massage,

But I didn't want to rub him the wrong way.

What do you call it when a male physical therapist doesn't support women?

Massage a knee.

New England Patriots gates....

When they filmed the other teams practicing it was called "Spygate"

When Brady used deflated balls it was called "Deflategate"

Now that Bob Kraft is in trouble for visiting a full service massage parlor, would that be called, "Tailgate"?

What's a massage with a happy ending in Hawaii called?

A lei.

What does a massage therapist have for dinner...?

SPA-ghetti!

When I was a kid I kept asking my friend why he always got a massage chair and he never answered me.

I recently found out he died having a seizure. Now I'll never know.

I don't think I'm going to go back to my massage therapist.

He just kinda rubbed me the wrong way.

A politician dies...

When he passes along to the next realm, he is informed that he will be given the option between heaven and hell. First he visits hell: It is a wild, raging party. There are free drinks and beautiful girls everywhere. He gets a two hour massage, and all of the worldly indulgences that he could possibly want.

Next, he visits heaven. Everything is peaceful and calm. There is an angel playing a harp, and people are content but not much is happening.

It comes time for him to make his decision, and he says "I guess this might sound weird, but I think I'm going to choose hell." So the politician is sent to hell, and as soon as he gets there it is a completely different story. He is locked in a tiny room where he is tortured. The screams of tortured souls fill the air and it is ungodly hot.

He turns to his roommate and says, "What is this crap? When I was down here before it was a raging party and everybody was having a blast." The roommate looks at him and says, "That was the campaign, now it's back to business as usual."

What's a BBQ pit master's least favorite massage?

A dry rub.

Massage Humor

A Jewish man walked into a massage clinic looking for deep tissue. They bring him back and afterwards, he comes out looking disappointed. They ask him why and he replies, "She was too gentile."

Thai Massage

A guy during his vacation to Thailand, ordered a massage session in his room, one for his wife and one for him.

After massaging the man for a long time, the Thai girl said, "Massage Pinis... Sir!"

He kept quiet ...

The Thai masseuse again said, "Massage Pinis... Sir!"

There was again silence.

Finally his wife spoke, "Don't have high hopes...She's saying 'Massage Finish' ..."

My wife told me that she couldn't turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight...

...Since she can't look sideways anyways...

I hate when my massage therapist smears the lotion counter-clockwise.

She really rubs me the wrong way.

I went to a massage parlor today...

When it was time for the happy ending, I finished in 20 seconds. The massause said I need to come more often.

What did the bread say after its massage?

Ahh, I kneaded that.

What did the tumblr user do when she got arthritis?

Massage a knee.

I want to invest in massage parlors

I've heard that their turnover rate is pretty high.

A man takes a wallet to the patent office..

...and tells the patent officer he would like to apply for a patent for this special wallet he had designed. The patent agent tells him that he is about a hundred years too late to get a patent for a wallet. The man says, I don't think you understand. This is a special wallet made from foreskins. When you massage it ...it turns into a suitcase.

I went to this massage parlor

This beautiful Philippine lady was giving me a rub. She had great hands and a soft voice. I kept thinking to myself "don't get a boner, dont get a boner"

And then she did.

Why did the feminist masseuse stop at the thigh?

She didn't like to massage a knee.

I got great life advice from the old asian lady at the massage parlor

"If you want Happy Ending, don't pick young pretty girl."

What you you call it when you massage a genie?

Massageine
(Edit the title is supposed to say what DO you call it when you massage a genie.)

What does a male massage therapist call sex?

A three armed massage.

A police officer arrested a massage parlor owner

Because he rubbed him the wrong way

I was telling my French friend about the massage I got from a little person last week...

She said, Ah, oui monsieur?

I said, Well, yes, I guess he was.

I found a massage parlor offering swedish massages,

but I was looking for a happy Finnish.

What are the funniest massage jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Massage? Well, here are the best Massage puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Massage pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes