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Mass Jokes

161 mass jokes and hilarious mass puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mass that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This article provides an exploration of the various connotations of the word "mass," ranging from physical concepts like atomic and molar mass to societal activities such as Latin and Midnight Mass. Read on to learn about the implications of mass in terms of particle and bulk properties, as well as its use in popular culture, for example the Mass Effect video game and Facebook's "mass post" feature.

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Funniest Mass Short Jokes

Short mass jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mass humour may include short magnitude jokes also.

  1. Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight... There would be mass confusion.
  2. Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings? Because it's always too soon.
    ^(i feel bad)
  3. I'm not sure what the first church on the moon will look like... But I'm sure the mass will be the same.
  4. Why did the priest go to the gym? For muscle mass.
    I thought of this one in the shower this morning.
  5. Going to mass is basically just like a dog being trained A guy tells you to sit and stand and sit and stand, and at the end they give you a snack
  6. I have an issue getting fair market value when I try to sell gravity. My wife thinks it's because it was mass-produced.
  7. Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. "Some, I assume, are good people"
  8. Why do catholic nuns have more clothes than other nuns? Because their clothes are mass produced...
  9. What do you call it when Argon, neon, Krypton, Xenon, Radon, and Helium frequently attend church? Noble Masses.
  10. A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church... The priest says, "Hey hey hey, you're not allowed here."
    The Higgs boson says, "But without me, there would be no mass."

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Mass One Liners

Which mass one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mass? I can suggest the ones about weight and gravity.

  1. Sin city we all know is Las vegas, but do you know what Den city is? Mass over volume.
  2. Why is gravity so cheap? Why Because it's mass-produced.
  3. Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap. There were a lot of casual tees.
  4. May the force be... ... Equal to Mass times Acceleration.
  5. How do you measure the mass of God? Yahweh it of course.
  6. What is first prize in a competition to lose muscle mass? a trophy.
  7. Why won't the U.S. switch to the metric system? There would be mass confusion
  8. Have you heard of the object without mass? It doesn't matter
  9. Did you hear that Protons have mass?... I didn't even know they were Catholic!
  10. Happy Father's Day or, mass confusion, if you live in Harlem.
  11. I'm just glad eminem will never be a mass shooter He only gets one shot
  12. Why do physicists love going to church It's the center of mass
  13. Which US state is the sneeziest? Mass-atchoo-setts
  14. How does Satan measure his mass? In pentagrams.
  15. Why didn't USA switch from pounds to grams? Because of mass outrage.

Mass Shooting Jokes

Here is a list of funny mass shooting jokes and even better mass shooting puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call a shooting in a Boston Catholic Church? A Mass mass mass shooting.
  • Did you hear about the gunfight in the Catholic church? Mass Shooting
  • Did you hear about the mass shooting at the thrift shop? The killer was said to be goodwill hunting.
  • If someone was shot in a chapel... ...would that count as a mass shooting?
  • Did you hear the tragedy of the cameraman in the church? It was a mass shooting.
  • Popular Memes are like Mass Shootings People won't stop talking about them until something until another one comes along.
  • What do EA micro transactions and Mass shootings have in common? We all know more are coming and no one does anything about it.
  • There's been a mass shooting event at DNC headquarters. All the messengers are dead.
  • America is finally getting around to banning some dangerous weapons after the latest mass shooting Its a shame nobody was killed by a flag
  • There was a mass shooting at a video game tournament today It's ok though they'll respawn

Mass Higgs Jokes

Here is a list of funny mass higgs jokes and even better mass higgs puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church.. Priest: "I'm sorry we don't allow Higgs bosons in here."
    Higgs boson: "oh I'm sorry, but without me you can't have mass."
  • It's Dad Jokes Friday, so I'm putting a few up Higgs Boson goes into a church. The priest says "you're not welcome here".
    Higgs Boson says...

    "You can't have mass without me".
  • So a Higgs boson meets the Pope... "You can't have Mass without me."
  • Why is the Higgs Boson called "the god particle?" Because it gives us mass
  • Scientists recently developed a weapon that directly targets the Higgs Boson It's classified as a weapon of mass destruction.

Atomic Mass Jokes

Here is a list of funny atomic mass jokes and even better atomic mass puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • An atom asks another atom, Do these protons make my mass look big?
  • Atoms are catholic. They have mass.
  • Where do the elements go to church? At the Atomic Mass!!
  • Q: Why are atoms Catholic?
    A: Because they have mass.
  • North Korea invented a weapon that can destroy atoms. It's a weapon of MASS destruction.
  • Why is Helium more Catholic than Hydrogen? Because it has more atomic MASS
  • Why don't atoms drive to work? They use mass transit
  • Atoms Have Mass? I didn't know they were Catholic...
    Thank you. Please drive home safely.

Muscle Mass Jokes

Here is a list of funny muscle mass jokes and even better muscle mass puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Saw a group of bodybuilding priests at the gym today Talk about muscle mass
  • I bought a muscle car, though I thought it was kinda ironic when comparing it's title to my physical mass... I'm not a car.

Air Mass Jokes

Here is a list of funny air mass jokes and even better air mass puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • America is currently being attacked by a big destructive mass that blows hot air everywhere And hurricane Matthew is happening, too.
Mass joke, America is currently being attacked by a big destructive mass that blows hot air everywhere

Cheerful Fun Mass Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy

What funny jokes about mass you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean heavy jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mass pranks.

There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.
One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bell. As the child was running running running, he slipped on the banana peel and fell out the window to his death. When the cops came to investigate, the asked the priest for the child's name.
The priest said I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell.

I don't like my masseuse...

She just rubs me the wrong way.

I have a joke about a hipster

...you've probably never heard it.
Q: How much mass is in a single hipster?
A: An Instagram

Maybe not "particle-ularily" funny...

So a priest walks into his church and sees a Higgs boson particle hanging around; says "what are you doing here?" the particle says "I've always been here - you can't have mass without me..."
*groan*

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A higgs boson particle walks into the Vatican

The Pope says, "you call yourself the God particle! Your blasphemy is not welcome here, get out!"
The higgs boson particle says "but you can't have mass without me."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Did you guys hear that the hadron accelerator exploded?

It was mass m**....

How do we know Iran doesn't have weapons of mass destruction?

You can't destroy mass, silly.

Why are programmers so good at poetry?

Well, all words rhyme in binary.

LAPD Sent to Train Iraqi Police, Find Weapons of Mass Destruction

Within 2 months of being in Iraq to help train Iraqi Police recruits the LAPD sent the following message up to Army command:
It's over. We have weapons of mass destruction, need guidance on who we are supposed to find them on.
Edit* changed were to are

Higgs Boson walks into a church during Sunday services...

...and the priest immediately stops preaching and says "We dont like your kind around here. You are not welcome in this church.". The whole church, already silent, waits anxiously when Higgs replies "Why not? You can't have mass without me!"

Under what circumstance is mass a unit of time?

Church

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

I got a massage last week...

and it was the first time I had a guy masseuse. So we're like 10 minutes in I just had to ask, is getting an e**... normal? He said yes they are very common. And I was like, well can you get it out of my face...?

You're living, you occupy space, and you have mass.

You know what that means?
You Matter.

I thought I found a mass grave of snowmen.

Until I realised it was a field of carrots.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Why did the physicist at the Hadron Collider get thrown in jail?

Because he was a mass m**...

A man's dog dies

A fine elderly Catholic gentleman lived alone in Southwest Florida in an upscale gated community except for his beloved dog that he had for a long time.
The dog finally died and the gent went to the parish priest, saying "Father, my dear dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the grief stricken man "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a Baptist church down the road, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
The old fellow said "I'll go right now. Thank you Father...By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied
"Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

What did Earth say to Jupiter?

That mass though

How is a photon like an abandoned church?

They have no mass.

How did the massage therapist lose all of his customers?

He rubbed them all the wrong way

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"
The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"

Why isn't NSA mass surveillance a hot topic in the US elections?

Because it's the only part of the govt that listens to the American people.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

The mass m**... has an inspirational poster on his wall.

"Can't spell 'slaughter' without 'laughter'"

Pedro was driving down a street when...

Pedro was driving down the Panjim street in a swift because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my whiskey. I will give up gambling and womanising too!!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pedro looked up again and said," Never mind, I found one ! Sorry I bothered you !!"

During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed.

He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.
It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.
The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.
After waking from the surgery, the caller asked the surgeon if the mass was malignant.
The surgeon replied, "Fortunately, no. It was B9."

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

How do you know the Japanese mass m**... was a chef?

He spent his day cutting up vegetables

I told my friend that I disproved the theory of conservation of mass,

But he didn't understand the weight of the situation.

That's the difference between tech support and a mass shooter?

One is a troubleshooter, while the other is a troubled shooter.

Teacher and student

Chemistry teacher: Did you know protons have mass?
Student: 😳 I didn't even know they were catholics.

I have a MASSIVE heroine problem...

I'm addicted to fat women who save my life.

How much is twelve units of mass?

Dozen matter.

Photons aren't Catholic.

No mass.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Jesus may have been offended

Elderly couple in church during Easter mass. Wife turns to husband and says, "I have just done a silent f**..., what should I do?" Husband says, "put new batteries in your hearing aid!"

I have a massive crush on a world leader, my wife thinks I'm joking...

...but it's Trudeau

An infinite amount of Mathematicians walk into a bar...

Then they all die due to infinite mass in finite space.

A physicist was in Las Vegas

Tour guide: Las Vegas is also known as Sin City.
Physicist: Do you know what Den City is though?
Tour guide: No, I don't know.
Physicist: Mass over volume.
I'll see myself out.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

At least my massive s**... wasn't all bad news.

My poker playing has improved by about 50%.

I always thought I was destined for Stardom

But then I realised my mass was below 0.08 solar masses.

What's it called when Big Shaq goes to a 2-minute Catholic service?

Quick mass

What do you call a last minute Catholic Church service that everyone needs to attend?

Critical Mass

What do a group of psychiatric patients and an anorexic have in common?

Mass hysteria

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Jack goes to his friend Mike

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of s**... questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"

What do you call a Communist Country who mass produces napkins?

The Serviette Union

I was talking to my physics teacher...

Teacher: hey, do you know what salt lake city is?
Me: yeah
Teacher: cool, you know what den city is?
Me: no?
Teacher: oh, its mass over volume

A curious son notices a change in the U.S flag's position and decides to ask his mom

Son: Mom, why is the flag at the top of the pole today?
Mom: Because there hasn't been a mass shooting all week Billy.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Ban weapons of mass dyslexia!

Before they start an unclear war.

Women are the only physical entity that defy the laws of gravitation.

Increase in mass does not lead to an increase in the orce of attraction.

Einstein says that anything with mass can't go faster than the speed of light, but...

What if you aren't Christian?

What do you call a grenade dropped in a church?

A weapon of mass destruction

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What do you call a large crowd of people discussing the subject of w**...?

A mass debate

Whattaya call someone who seems to have an almost fetishistic obsession with stomping into a comments section, saying something absolutely horrible, and spending the rest of the day slapfighting with whole threads of people calling them an idiot?

A compulsive mass debater.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Reporter: "Why did you attack Iraq in the 90s?"

Reporter: "Why did you attack Iraq in the 90s?"
USA: "Because we suspected that they had Weapons of Mass Destruction"
Reporter: "Why did you attack Syria now?"
USA: "Because we suspect they have Weapons of Mass Destruction"
Reporter: "Why didn't you attack North Korea then?"
USA: "Are you out of your mind? They really have Weapons of Mass Destruction"

Interesting fact: the sun makes up 99.86% of the solar system's mass!

The rest is your mama

Little Johnny is in Catholic School

The nun teaching the class asks, "Where do you sense Jesus in your life?"
Little Susie, being a good girl says, "I see Jesus when I pray."
Little Timmy says, "I can feel Jesus' presence during Mass."
Little Johnny, with his hand waving eagerly in the air, is finally called on. Johnny says, "Jesus is in my bathroom every morning."
The nun, obviously confused, asks why Johnny thinks this.
Little Johnny answers saying, "Each morning that my Father is late to work, he pounds on the bathroom door saying, 'JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?"

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

Yo mama so fat.

If someone kills her it's mass m**....

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church.

The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!"
The Higgs-boson particle says
"But you can't have mass without me!"

If mass and energy are the same thing,

how come the fatter you get, the lazier you become?

All lives matter

Because we have mass and take up space

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest.

An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest and tells him, "Father, me old dog died. Can ye say a wee mass for the old gal?"
"No. Can't do it. The Church doesn't do f**... mass for pets, but I'll tell you what, the Protestant church down the hill will most likely do it. They don't have the same high standards that we do."
"Fine father, but I have one more question for ye. Would two hundred euro be enough of a donation to thank them for their services."
The priest's eye grew wide and he slapped the man on the back telling him, "Ahhh, man, why didn't you TELL me that your dog was Catholic?!"

Why are massages in Thailand better than in the United States?

In Thailand, an average sized woman walks on your back. In the United States, an average sized woman walks on your back.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

What do you call the mass distribution of news and information regarding m**..., as well as the demand for its legalisation?

Propaganja. Thank you. I'll let myself out.

⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language

A rabbi and a priest are asking for charity outside of a church...

They are standing one next to the other as the congregation is exiting mass. They look at the Rabbi with disdain and give more money to the priest.
Until o**... sees the rabbi hasn't collected any money and decides to help him out Rabbi, why don't you try asking for charity outside of a synagogue?
The rabbi turns to the priest Moshe, this guy wants to teach us marketing

So you've all heard about the neutron that walks into a bar, but what about...

A neutrino walks into a Mexican Restaurant. He orders a taco with extra chili sauce. The bartender comes up to his table with a taco and a gigantic bottle of super-hot chili sauce. He opens the taco, starts pouring sauce and asks:
"So how much salsa do you want, amigo?"
The neutrino answers:
"NO MASS! NO MASS!"

My physics teacher asked me how much a church weighs with and without people in it.

I had to consider mass.

Mass joke, My physics teacher asked me how much a church weighs with and without people in it.

jokes about mass