The Best 77 Mass Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Mass jokes. There are some mass bulk jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these mass higgs puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Mass Jokes and Puns

There once was a baby born with no arms. His parents put him on the church's stairs and vanished.

The local priest took him in and raised him, eventually giving him the job of ringing the bell for evening mass. So, each day, the child lined up from across the room and ran as fast as he could to hit the bell with his head.

One day, the priest ate a banana and left the peel lying by the bell. As the child was running running running, he slipped on the banana peel and fell out the window to his death. When the cops came to investigate, the asked the priest for the child's name.

The priest said I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell.

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Because it's always too soon.

^(i feel bad)

Mass joke, Why do Americans rarely tell jokes about mass shootings?

Irishman looking for a parking place

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

So a Higgs Boson particle goes into a catholic church

And it gets stopped at the door by the bishop.

The bishop says, "Sir, I can't allow you in here."

"What? Why?" the particle responds.

"You call yourself the 'God particle.' That's blasphemy against our Lord."

"Oh, well, I guess that makes sense. Before I go, though, can I ask you a question?"

"Yeah sure," the bishop responds. "Might as well."

"So," the Higgs Boson begins, "if you don't allow me in here, how do you have mass?"


Maybe not "particle-ularily" funny...

So a priest walks into his church and sees a Higgs boson particle hanging around; says "what are you doing here?" the particle says "I've always been here - you can't have mass without me..."

*groan*

A higgs boson particle walks into the Vatican

The Pope says, "you call yourself the God particle! Your blasphemy is not welcome here, get out!"

The higgs boson particle says "but you can't have mass without me."

Mass joke, A higgs boson particle walks into the Vatican

Did you guys hear that the hadron accelerator exploded?

It was mass murder.

What's the difference between mass and weight?

Mass is where Catholics go on Sunday, and weight is where sundaes go on Catholics.

(From a poster on the ceiling in my dentists office)

Happy Father's Day

or, mass confusion, if you live in Harlem.

So Paddy was driving down the street

And he was in a sweat. He was late for an important business meeting and he couldn't find a place to park. In desperation he looked up to god and prayed, "if you find me a parking space, I will go to mass every Sunday from now on and give up drinking whiskey." Miraculously a spot appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "nevermind, I found on."

You can explore mass particle reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean mass hadron dad jokes. There are also mass puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Have you heard of the object without mass?

It doesn't matter

Did you hear that Protons have mass?...

I didn't even know they were Catholic!

I got a massage last week...

and it was the first time I had a guy masseuse. So we're like 10 minutes in I just had to ask, is getting an erection normal? He said yes they are very common. And I was like, well can you get it out of my face...?

Why did the priest go to the gym?

For muscle mass.

I thought of this one in the shower this morning.

Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's mass if G = 6.67x10^-11Nm^2/kg^2?

Please, someone help me, I can't solve it and it's making me nuts.

Mass joke, Yo momma's so fat that objects 5 meters away accelerate at 1 m/s^2 toward her. What is yo momma's ma

I'm not sure what the first church on the moon will look like...

But I'm sure the mass will be the same.

A Higgs boson enters a church

And the priest says, "I'm sorry, we don't allow Higgs bosons in churches"

The Higgs replies, "but without me, you can't have mass"

Why did the physicist at the Hadron Collider get thrown in jail?

Because he was a mass murderer


A man's dog dies

A fine elderly Catholic gentleman lived alone in Southwest Florida in an upscale gated community except for his beloved dog that he had for a long time.

The dog finally died and the gent went to the parish priest, saying "Father, my dear dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the grief stricken man "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a Baptist church down the road, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

The old fellow said "I'll go right now. Thank you Father...By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied
"Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

Why do physicists love going to church

It's the center of mass

A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church...

The priest says, "Hey hey hey, you're not allowed here."
The Higgs boson says, "But without me, there would be no mass."

How does Satan measure his mass?

In pentagrams.

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"

Why isn't NSA mass surveillance a hot topic in the US elections?

Because it's the only part of the govt that listens to the American people.

I was getting a massage and I asked the masseuse if it was normal for a man to get an erection

He replied that it was. So I asked if he could get it out of my face.

Pedro was driving down a street when...

Pedro was driving down the Panjim street in a swift because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my whiskey. I will give up gambling and womanising too!!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Pedro looked up again and said," Never mind, I found one ! Sorry I bothered you !!"

During a weekly game at the home for the aged, the bingo caller began choking and then collapsed.

He was rushed to emergency, and went immediately into surgery.

It appeared that 40 years of calling bingo games in smoky halls had finally caught-up with him.

The surgeon successfully removed a mass that was blocking his windpipe.

After waking from the surgery, the caller asked the surgeon if the mass was malignant.

The surgeon replied, "Fortunately, no. It was B9."

A Higgs Boson walks into a church

The priest says we don't allow Higgs Bosons in here . The Higgs Boson then replies but without me, how could you have mass?

A Muslim guy killed 50 people in a mass shooting…

Who says they can't integrate into American culture?

How do you measure the mass of God?

Yahweh it of course.

How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef?

He spent his day cutting up vegetables

Apparently there was a mass shooting at the Gap.

There were a lot of casual tees.

There was a mass shooting at the Gap store this afternoon.

They're still counting the casual Tees.

"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

A Higgs Boson walks into a Church and is told to leave

He says 'but you can't have mass without me!'

Going to mass is basically just like a dog being trained

A guy tells you to sit and stand and sit and stand, and at the end they give you a snack

Jesus may have been offended

Elderly couple in church during Easter mass. Wife turns to husband and says, "I have just done a silent fart, what should I do?" Husband says, "put new batteries in your hearing aid!"

I think Americans are right to worry about immigrants

Because they might commit a mass shooting just to fit in with the culture.

I have a massive crush on a world leader, my wife thinks I'm joking...

...but it's Trudeau

A physicist was in Las Vegas

Tour guide: Las Vegas is also known as Sin City.

Physicist: Do you know what Den City is though?

Tour guide: No, I don't know.

Physicist: Mass over volume.

I'll see myself out.

At least my massive stroke wasn't all bad news.

My poker playing has improved by about 50%.

Do you know what Sin City is?

Person 1: Do you know what Sin City is?

Person 2: Las Vegas

Person 1: Do you know what the Windy City is?

Person 2: Chicago

Person 1: Do you know what Den City is?

Person 2: ...

Person 1: Mass over volume

May the force be...

... Equal to Mass times Acceleration.

I always thought I was destined for Stardom

But then I realised my mass was below 0.08 solar masses.

Why won't the U.S. switch to the metric system?

There would be mass confusion

Where do physicists attend church?

At the center of mass.

What would happen if the United States were to switch from Pounds to Kilograms over night?

*A Mass Confusion*

Massaging the wife

Italian : Last night I massaged my wife with the finest olive oil, then we made love and I made her scream non stop 5 minutes.

French : Last night I massaged my wife with special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream 15 minutes.

American : Thats nothing! Last night I massaged my wife with cheese, then made love and made her scream for 2 hours.

Italian and French, astonished : 2 hours ! How !?

American : I wiped my hands on the curtains...

What do a group of psychiatric patients and an anorexic have in common?

Mass hysteria

Jack goes to his friend Mike

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After mass, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"

A Higgs Boson walks into a Church

They are aghast.

The priest says, "You!! You claim to be a god particle. Your kind are not allowed here."

HB replies, "Then how do you have mass?"

Ban weapons of mass dyslexia!

Before they start an unclear war.

A Higgs Boson walks into a Catholic church

The Priest says " you can't be here!". The particle replies "you can't have mass without me

Yo mama so fat...

that when she says 'no',
it's a mass protest.

A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church..

Priest: "I'm sorry we don't allow Higgs bosons in here."

Higgs boson: "oh I'm sorry, but without me you can't have mass."

What do you call a grenade dropped in a church?

A weapon of mass destruction

How do you measure the mass of a red hot chili pepper.

Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh. Give it a weigh now.

Little Johnny is in Catholic School

The nun teaching the class asks, "Where do you sense Jesus in your life?"

Little Susie, being a good girl says, "I see Jesus when I pray."

Little Timmy says, "I can feel Jesus' presence during Mass."

Little Johnny, with his hand waving eagerly in the air, is finally called on. Johnny says, "Jesus is in my bathroom every morning."

The nun, obviously confused, asks why Johnny thinks this.

Little Johnny answers saying, "Each morning that my Father is late to work, he pounds on the bathroom door saying, 'JESUS CHRIST, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?"

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

A Higgs-boson particle goes into a church.

The vicar says, "We don't want your sort in here!"
The Higgs-boson particle says
"But you can't have mass without me!"

Why didn't USA switch from pounds to grams?

Because of mass outrage.

Americans can't switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.

That would cause mass confusion.

Imagine if the rest of the world changed from Kilograms to Pounds overnight

There would be a mass confusion

An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest.

An Irishman's dog dies so he goes to see the local priest and tells him, "Father, me old dog died. Can ye say a wee mass for the old gal?"

"No. Can't do it. The Church doesn't do funeral mass for pets, but I'll tell you what, the Protestant church down the hill will most likely do it. They don't have the same high standards that we do."

"Fine father, but I have one more question for ye. Would two hundred euro be enough of a donation to thank them for their services."

The priest's eye grew wide and he slapped the man on the back telling him, "Ahhh, man, why didn't you TELL me that your dog was Catholic?!"

Why are massages in Thailand better than in the United States?

In Thailand, an average sized woman walks on your back. In the United States, an average sized woman walks on your back.

My physics teacher asked me how much a church weighs with and without people in it.

I had to consider mass.

Sin city we all know is Las Vegas, but do you know what Den city is?

Mass over volume.

Why do catholic nuns have more clothes than other nuns?

Because their clothes are mass produced...

The Pope, Xi Jinping and Donald Trump are summoned by God

"OK", said God, "the world's gonna end in 20 years, go back and prepare your people".

The Pope prepared a great mass at St. Peter's Square and announced "Dear Catholics, I have good and bad news. Rejoice, for God is real, but also repent, for the end of the world is coming in 20 years".

Xi Jinping held a speech in front of the CCP. "Horrible news, comrades, not only is God real, he also told us the world is coming to an end in 20 years".

Trump tweeted "Great news everyone! God knows I'm important!"

What do you call a zombie sleepover?

A mass grave.

Did you know protons have mass?

I didn't even know they were Catholic!

It was on this day in 1978 that cult leader Jim Jones carried out a mass murder/suicide of over 900 of his followers in Jonestown, Guyana. Horrifying. There's a joke about it but it's wildly innappriopriate.

And anyway, the punchline's too long.

A drunk walks into a church...

...during mass and sits down. The priest is bothered by his presence and says to everybody:

\-The drink is a terrible vice, so much so that a drunk man will never reach salvation. If any of you is inebriated, I ask you to stand up.

The drunk man does, looks around to everybody sitted and says:

\-Whelp, I guess it's just the two of us, father.

Protons have mass?

Never knew they were Catholic

With the massive downturn in international travel, aircraft manufacturer Fokker has started developing planes for the military. Their latest is a small, super stealthy reconnaissance plane that is almost undetectable!

It's called the Sneaky Little Fokker.

Why don't Chinese people care about mass surveillance?

Because after the 1 child policy, nobody remembers what a big brother is, anyway.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the mass wedgies jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working mass parish piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes