Following is our collection of Mask funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.
Whoops, wrong sub
Teacher: racecar
{10 years later}
Boy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome
Getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]
You may be entitled to condensation.
EDIT (July 14, 2020 7:40PM PST): Um, wow. I did not expect the 2.9K likes, especially since I didn't come up with it. Thanks for the support guys and y'all got me, I read it somewhere else and shared it.
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
He's force fed.
..and everyone was watching a movie on the TV. I being introverted, hadn't talked with anyone and was watching movie by myself. When the movie ended, everyone was debating on what to watch next.
I decided to put on the movie I had brought from home. It was pretty funny and had Jim Carrey in it.
Everyone really like it. People started talking to me and thanking me for the movie. No one cared who I was until I put on The Mask.
They lied, everyone else has clothes on.
Before leaving, I asked the security guard why he let me shop without a cover and he said that Halloween masks are acceptable too. :\_(
Whoops, wrong sub.
He claims to be your father.
At a sperm bank one day, a man walks up with a ski mask and a gun. He points the gun at the lady at the desk.
"Sir.. this is a sperm bank.." says the lady.
"I know. Get out three bottles of sperm" he commanded.
So she obeys and takes out three bottles of frozen sperm.
"Drink it." says the man.
So she wincingly swallows each gulp until they're all empty. Disgusted she takes a look at the man as he takes off his ski mask and pockets his gun.
"See honey? It's not that hard."
He wasn't wearing a mask, so we don't know which one did it.
Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can't do this – I'm a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!
Governments across the world conspired to spread a pandemic to get her to wear a mask.
Because the citizens of Gotham aren't morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis
I also wear underwear. Not because I want to, but...
He makes eye contact with a hostage directly facing him and shoots him. He puts his mask back on and turns to face the other two hostages, a man and a woman. "Did either of you see my face?!" He yells.
The man answers, "I didn't, but I think my wife might have..."
... I think it was a blessing in disguise.
otherwise you will end up looking like a right tit.
She clearly isn't a fan of protection
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs
"give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this, I am a United States congressman!"
In that case," replied the mugger,
"give me my money."
You may be entitled to condensation.
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands for her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!".
So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard is it ?."
As he climbs over the counter his balaclava catches and comes off for a second, before he quickly puts it back on.
The thief says to the cashier "did you see my face?", the cashier says "yes, I did!". Then the thief shoots her dead.
The thief then goes up to a customer and says "did you see my face?", the customer says "yes", then the robber shoots him right in the head.
The thief then runs up to a couple and says to the man "did you see my face?", then man says "no, but my wife did!".
It's safe to come inside if you're wearing one
Anonymoose
... He approaches the safe with a gun and yells at the nurse,
"Open up this safe!"
Nurse replied in fear, "But sir this is a sperm bank, we don't have any money here."
I said open up this safe now!" he yelled again and the nurse opened it up.
"Now drink this viel!"
"But sir this is sperm!"
"I said drink!" and the nurse drank with disgust.
"Drink another!" and she emptied another viel with less resistance.
The robber reveals his face and nurse found out that the robber was actually her husband.
"Now Sharon, was it really that hard?"
A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says,
Open the safe.
She says, This isn't a real bank; it's a sperm bank.
He says, Open the safe or I'll shoot.
She opens the safe, and he says, Now take one of the bottles and drink it.
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is
her husband.
He says, Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?
An old man is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse, ' he mumbles from behind the mask, are my testicles black?
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.
He struggles to ask again, Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
She looks very closely and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are – my – test – results – back?
Though ironically, he wasn't wearing a mask so I don't know which one he was.
He points the gun at the receptionist and tells her to open the safe. She says: but you don't understand. This is not a normal bank. This is a sperm bank. The man says: I know exactly what this is. Now open a sample and swallow the whole thing. The woman opens one and swallows it all. The man then takes off his mask. It is her husband. She screams at him: I can't believe it. It's you. Why are you doing this? He gets close to her and says: you see??? It didn't kill you to swallow it. Did it?
He tells the girl at the front
"This is a robbery," the girl replies "sir we dont have much money, this is a sperm bank," the man says "I know, get two containers of sperm," the girl gets them and the man says "drink it,"
The girl all confused says "what?!"
The man says "do it or ill shoot you," all scared the girls drinks the container, then the man says "drink the other one," the girl again drinks it all, seeing both containers empty the man takes off his mask and says "See honey, that wasn't difficult"
Prisoner: You can't make me. You don't run this cell.
Guard: *rips mask off to reveal mitochondria*
Actually, I do
none, occupy protesters can't change anything.
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, it's just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside is all the sperm samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks
at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally, after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says
- "See honey - it's not that hard."
I looked in his school bag and found a gimp mask, nipple clamps and a whip. What should I do.
And the neighbour replyed I'm no expert but I wouldn't spank him.
The doctor had a quick look, and said, "Sure, but you may have to have some facial reconstruction and wear a mask.... How does that sound to you?"
"Not good!" My wife replied, "The acid only hit me on my leg."
Disguise!
Wearing protective gear in sanitary environment.
But it was all destroyed by a whiny brat without a mask who refused to stay home with his aunt and uncle.
Has Covid19 forced you to wear glasses & a mask at the same time?
You may be entitled to condensation!
Someone in a mask came up behind him and put a knife against his throat. Are you Catholic or Protestant? he shouted.
The man realised if he said he was Catholic and his assailant was Protestant, he was dead. Likewise, if he said he was Protestant and his assailant was Catholic, he was dead. After some quick thinking, he came up with a smart answer.
I'm Jewish! he said quickly.
The attacker replied Wow, I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland!
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
One night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this- I'm a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"
A bank robber wanted to keep his identity a secret, but he forgot to bring his mask. He told everyone in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them.
One foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the bank robber did what he said he would... he shot him. The robber asked the crowd if anyone else had seen his face...
One customer, gazing intently at the ground, said "I think my wife got a glimpse."
Whatever the Republican Party tells me too say.
A young female nurse is working the front desk at a sperm bank. A man wearing a ski mask barges in through the front door and holds a gun to her head. He tells her "Open the vault!"
"But sir, this is a sperm bank..."
"Just do it!" The woman complies and opens the vault containing hundreds of vials of donations. "Now, uncork one and drink it!
"Sir, I don't understand..."
"Do as I say!" So she uncorks a sample and drinks it down. She chokes on it but is more worried about the mysterious man. The assailant has her do it a few more times. The woman is visibly shaken, but he takes off the ski mask and says
"See honey, it isn't that hard."
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results -back?
...walks into a bank with a gun in hand. He runs up to the first teller and holds the gun up to her.
"This is a robbery! Gimme everything you got!"
"Bu...but sir i dont think you understand. This is a sperm bank" said the teller.
Obviously thrown off guard, the robber stands there baffled. After a few seconds, he holds the gun up to the teller again. "Okay, well.... grab a cup of ypur freshest sperm and put it on the counter."
"What?! I dont know if i...."
"Do it or i'll shoot you!"
She reaches into a nearby fridge, places the cup on the counter, and puts her hands back up.
"Now drink it!"
"Wha....what?! I dont..."
"DO IT OR I'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF"
Frightened, the woman opens the cup and quickly drinks it.
The man drops his gun and takes his mask off. It's the tellers husband.
He smiles and walks up to her, "See? Now that wasn't so bad!"
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
Wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He points the gun at the receptionist and says "go grab me some sperm from the back!"
The frightened receptionist runs to the back and brings back a few containers.
He points the gun at her and says "drink it!"
She says "drink it? But... Why? Don't you want money or something?" To which he yells back, "drink it!"
She downs the whole thing and the guy takes off his mask revealing it to be the woman's husband. He smiles and says "see honey, it's not so bad!"
In my mothers bedroom the other day and I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in her wardrobe. I couldn't believe it... My mothers a superhero!!!!!
A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
He has just taken a few tests, to find out what is wrong with him. He is feeling pretty awful, so he has an IV, and oxygen mask, etc. So the nurse walks in to see if the man needs anything.
Would you like anything? She says.
The man says, Yes, are my testicles black?
The nurse is very confused.
I don't know, sir. She says.
Please check, He says, if my testicles are black .
The woman is still confused, but she decides to check. She lifts up his hospital gown, sees that everything is in order, and puts it back down.
Well, sir, she says, you are fine. Your testicles are not black .
That's great, now listen closely, the man says, removing the oxygen mask from his face, *are my test results back?*
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"
She looks at him, "BUT, they are sperm samples???"
"DO IT!", He screams.
So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well."
So the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says: "See honey - its not that hard."
Unfortunately, his mask accidentally dropped for a few seconds. He picked it up, put it back, then asked a guy kneeling next to him.
"Did you see my face?" Asked the robber.
"Yes, but I swear I won't-" A bullet went through the guy's head. Then the robber asked the next guy kneeling next to his wife.
"And you? Did you see my face"
"No, sir. But my wife did"
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.