Mask Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask

Whoops, wrong sub

Boy: What's a palindrome?


Teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

Boy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome

Getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

A mugger

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money," he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

How does Darth Vader manage to eat through that mask?

He's force fed.

I went to a party last night...

..and everyone was watching a movie on the TV. I being introverted, hadn't talked with anyone and was watching movie by myself. When the movie ended, everyone was debating on what to watch next.


I decided to put on the movie I had brought from home. It was pretty funny and had Jim Carrey in it.


Everyone really like it. People started talking to me and thanking me for the movie. No one cared who I was until I put on The Mask.

I need advice. I was whipping someone in a gimp mask during a BDSM session, but when he took it off - it wasn't my husband.

Whoops, wrong sub.

How do you know that Darth Vader isn't a black man underneath the mask?

He claims to be your father.

Sperm Bank

At a sperm bank one day, a man walks up with a ski mask and a gun. He points the gun at the lady at the desk.
"Sir.. this is a sperm bank.." says the lady.
"I know. Get out three bottles of sperm" he commanded.
So she obeys and takes out three bottles of frozen sperm.
"Drink it." says the man.

So she wincingly swallows each gulp until they're all empty. Disgusted she takes a look at the man as he takes off his ski mask and pockets his gun.

"See honey? It's not that hard."

My friend was raped by a teenager mutant ninja turtle.

He wasn't wearing a mask, so we don't know which one did it.

Late one night a mugger wearing a mask !!!

Late one night a mugger wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can't do this – I'm a US Congressman!" "Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!

Why does Batman wear a mask?

Because the citizens of Gotham aren't morons, like those idiots over in Metropolis

A bank robber's mask falls off mid-heist.

He makes eye contact with a hostage directly facing him and shoots him. He puts his mask back on and turns to face the other two hostages, a man and a woman. "Did either of you see my face?!" He yells.

The man answers, "I didn't, but I think my wife might have..."

A masked priest just threw some holy water at me...

... I think it was a blessing in disguise.

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of...

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs

"give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this, I am a United States congressman!"

In that case," replied the mugger,


"give me my money."

Meanwhile at the Sperm Donor Bank

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.

He goes up to the nurse and demands for her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!".

So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard is it ?."

A masked thief bursts into a bank...

As he climbs over the counter his balaclava catches and comes off for a second, before he quickly puts it back on.

The thief says to the cashier "did you see my face?", the cashier says "yes, I did!". Then the thief shoots her dead.

The thief then goes up to a customer and says "did you see my face?", the customer says "yes", then the robber shoots him right in the head.

The thief then runs up to a couple and says to the man "did you see my face?", then man says "no, but my wife did!".

What do you call a moose wearing a mask?

Anonymoose

Masked man robs a sperm bank...

... He approaches the safe with a gun and yells at the nurse,
"Open up this safe!"

Nurse replied in fear, "But sir this is a sperm bank, we don't have any money here."

I said open up this safe now!" he yelled again and the nurse opened it up.

"Now drink this viel!"

"But sir this is sperm!"

"I said drink!" and the nurse drank with disgust.

"Drink another!" and she emptied another viel with less resistance.

The robber reveals his face and nurse found out that the robber was actually her husband.

"Now Sharon, was it really that hard?"

A masked man goes into a sperm bank.

A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says,
Open the safe.

She says, This isn't a real bank; it's a sperm bank.

He says, Open the safe or I'll shoot.

She opens the safe, and he says, Now take one of the bottles and drink it.

After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is
her husband.

He says, Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?

An old man is lying bed in at the hospital...

An old man is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse, ' he mumbles from behind the mask, are my testicles black?

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.

He struggles to ask again, Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are – my – test – results – back?

I've just been robbed by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle

Though ironically, he wasn't wearing a mask so I don't know which one he was.

A masked man walks into a sperm bank with a gun.

He points the gun at the receptionist and tells her to open the safe. She says: but you don't understand. This is not a normal bank. This is a sperm bank. The man says: I know exactly what this is. Now open a sample and swallow the whole thing. The woman opens one and swallows it all. The man then takes off his mask. It is her husband. She screams at him: I can't believe it. It's you. Why are you doing this? He gets close to her and says: you see??? It didn't kill you to swallow it. Did it?

Guard: Get in your cell

Prisoner: You can't make me. You don't run this cell.

Guard: *rips mask off to reveal mitochondria*
Actually, I do

A masked man goes to rob a sperm bank

He tells the girl at the front
"This is a robbery," the girl replies "sir we dont have much money, this is a sperm bank," the man says "I know, get two containers of sperm," the girl gets them and the man says "drink it,"
The girl all confused says "what?!"
The man says "do it or ill shoot you," all scared the girls drinks the container, then the man says "drink the other one," the girl again drinks it all, seeing both containers empty the man takes off his mask and says "See honey, that wasn't difficult"

inspired by frontpage's TIL about the guy fawkes mask: how many occupy protesters does it take to change a lightbulb?

none, occupy protesters can't change anything.

It's not that hard [NSFW]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.
He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, it's just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside is all the sperm samples.

The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks
at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally, after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says

- "See honey - it's not that hard."

Who has two thumbs and wears a mask?

Disguise!

My wife went into hospital last night after an acid attack, "Will I still be attractive?" She sobbed.

The doctor had a quick look, and said, "Sure, but you may have to have some facial reconstruction and wear a mask.... How does that sound to you?"

"Not good!" My wife replied, "The acid only hit me on my leg."

A woman is talking to her next door neighbour and she says I'm worried about my 16 year old son...

I looked in his school bag and found a gimp mask, nipple clamps and a whip. What should I do.
And the neighbour replyed I'm no expert but I wouldn't spank him.

A man was walking through Northern Ireland in 1975

Someone in a mask came up behind him and put a knife against his throat. Are you Catholic or Protestant? he shouted.

The man realised if he said he was Catholic and his assailant was Protestant, he was dead. Likewise, if he said he was Protestant and his assailant was Catholic, he was dead. After some quick thinking, he came up with a smart answer.

I'm Jewish! he said quickly.

The attacker replied Wow, I must be the luckiest Arab in Ireland!

Nurse Joke (NSFW)

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:
Are - my - test - results - back?"

A Bank Robber Forgot His Mask

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity a secret, but he forgot to bring his mask. He told everyone in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them.

One foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the bank robber did what he said he would... he shot him. The robber asked the crowd if anyone else had seen his face...

One customer, gazing intently at the ground, said "I think my wife got a glimpse."

And now for something completely different

A young female nurse is working the front desk at a sperm bank. A man wearing a ski mask barges in through the front door and holds a gun to her head. He tells her "Open the vault!"

"But sir, this is a sperm bank..."

"Just do it!" The woman complies and opens the vault containing hundreds of vials of donations. "Now, uncork one and drink it!

"Sir, I don't understand..."

"Do as I say!" So she uncorks a sample and drinks it down. She chokes on it but is more worried about the mysterious man. The assailant has her do it a few more times. The woman is visibly shaken, but he takes off the ski mask and says

"See honey, it isn't that hard."

Testicles. (Not sure if a repost, found this joke on a fb page)

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results -back?

So a man with a ski mask on...

...walks into a bank with a gun in hand. He runs up to the first teller and holds the gun up to her.
"This is a robbery! Gimme everything you got!"

"Bu...but sir i dont think you understand. This is a sperm bank" said the teller.

Obviously thrown off guard, the robber stands there baffled. After a few seconds, he holds the gun up to the teller again. "Okay, well.... grab a cup of ypur freshest sperm and put it on the counter."

"What?! I dont know if i...."

"Do it or i'll shoot you!"

She reaches into a nearby fridge, places the cup on the counter, and puts her hands back up.

"Now drink it!"

"Wha....what?! I dont..."

"DO IT OR I'LL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF"

Frightened, the woman opens the cup and quickly drinks it.

The man drops his gun and takes his mask off. It's the tellers husband.
He smiles and walks up to her, "See? Now that wasn't so bad!"

Easy as 1,2,3.....4.

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

A guy goes into a sperm bank...

Wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.

He points the gun at the receptionist and says "go grab me some sperm from the back!"

The frightened receptionist runs to the back and brings back a few containers.

He points the gun at her and says "drink it!"

She says "drink it? But... Why? Don't you want money or something?" To which he yells back, "drink it!"

She downs the whole thing and the guy takes off his mask revealing it to be the woman's husband. He smiles and says "see honey, it's not so bad!"

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful.
Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

I was having a look...

In my mothers bedroom the other day and I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in her wardrobe. I couldn't believe it... My mothers a superhero!!!!!

Oh So Creamy

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun.Β 

He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.Β 

She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"

"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.Β 
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.Β 

The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"

She looksΒ at him, "BUT, they are sperm samples???"

"DO IT!", He screams.

So the nurse sucks it back.

"That one there, drink that one as well."
So the nurse drinks that one as well.Β 

Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says: "See honey - its not that hard."

A man is laying in a hospital bed...

He has just taken a few tests, to find out what is wrong with him. He is feeling pretty awful, so he has an IV, and oxygen mask, etc. So the nurse walks in to see if the man needs anything.

Would you like anything? She says.

The man says, Yes, are my testicles black?

The nurse is very confused.

I don't know, sir. She says.

Please check, He says, if my testicles are black .

The woman is still confused, but she decides to check. She lifts up his hospital gown, sees that everything is in order, and puts it back down.

Well, sir, she says, you are fine. Your testicles are not black .

That's great, now listen closely, the man says, removing the oxygen mask from his face, *are my test results back?*

A bank robber just finished his heist

Unfortunately, his mask accidentally dropped for a few seconds. He picked it up, put it back, then asked a guy kneeling next to him.

"Did you see my face?" Asked the robber.

"Yes, but I swear I won't-" A bullet went through the guy's head. Then the robber asked the next guy kneeling next to his wife.

"And you? Did you see my face"

"No, sir. But my wife did"

I have to go talk to the bank today.

If everything goes well, I will finally be out of debt. I'm so excited, I can barely get my ski mask on!

Are my testicles black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

Late one night a robber wearing a mask stopped a well-dressed man and put a gun to his head. "Give me your money," he demanded. Scandalized, the man replied, "You can't do this β€” I'm a US Congressman!"

"Oh! In that case," smiled the robber, "Give me MY money!"

Are my .....

A male patient is lying in bed at a hospital with an oxygen mask over his face and still heavily sedated from more than four hours of operation. A young female nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

Patient: Nurse (he feebly mumbles from behind the mask) are my testicles black?

Embarrassed young nurse: I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet.

Patient (struggles again to ask): Nurse, Please, Are my testicles black?

Finally, she removes his covers, lifts his gown, takes a close look and says: There is nothing wrong with them!

Patient (slowly after removing his oxygen mask): That was very nice but listen very, closely – ARE…MY…TEST…RESULTS…BACK?

I celebrate Halloween in August

When you show up at someone's door at night in August with a mask on, you get better stuff.

A hooded bank robber burst into a bank demanding cash

Once his bags were full he started making his way out when a brave soldier ripped his mask off and sees his face. The robber, realizing his face has been exposed, shoots and kills him dead. The robber turns around and sees a bank teller looking him in the eyes so he walks up to him and shoots him dead aswell. He puts his mask back on and yells "did anyone else see my face?". At this point everyone is staring at the floor too terrified to look up. After a few moments of utter silence an old man raises his hand his while keeping his face on the floor he says "my wife got pretty good look at you"

A man in France tried to rob a bank using underwear as a mask...

...the cops put him in jail right after a quick debriefing.

An Englishman & an Irishman

are in the hospital laid side by side in different beds. The Englishman looks over at the Irishman and peels away his oxygen mask from his face.

"I'm English..." Said the Englishman.

The Irishman also takes away his mask and gasps, "Irish..."

The Englishman slowly replies, "My name's David..."

"Paddy..." Replies the Irishman.

"Cancer..." Says the Englishman pointing to his chest.

The Irishman who slowly turns his head and lifts away his oxygen mask replies,

"Sagittarius..."

[NSFW] A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun...

He goes up to the nurse and demands she open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, this is a sperm bank!"

"**Open it now!**" he shouts.

So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"

She looks at him, puzzled. "Are you serious?!"

"***DO IT!!***" The man screams.
So the nurse sucks it back.

"That one there, drink that one as well." He says.

So the nurse drinks that one as well.

The man makes her drink two more, and as she finishes the fourth sample, the man takes off his ski mask and says,

"See honey - its not that hard."

In the process of robbing a bank, a robber's mask came off

He quickly put it back on his face and asked the teller directly ahead of him if she saw his face. She admitted that she did, so he shot and killed her.

He then turned to a man, who just happened to be in the bank at the time of the robbery, then he asked if the man saw his face.

The man replied with, "No, but I'm pretty sure my wife did."

Man with a beard a 100 years ago: "Ok, I'll go chop down some trees."

Man with beard today: " I found a great face mask that's gluten and cruelty free."

Do you know how I know that I'm ugly?

The guy who was mugging me took off his mask and made me wear it!

Nurse walks in to a patient's room

In a hospital room, a patient is lying in bed with an oxygen mask on.
A pretty, young nurse walks in and says, "I'm here to change your sheets!"

Patient says, "Please, nurse, are my testicles black?"

Nurse blushes and says, "I'm just here to change your sheets!"

Patient says, "Please, nurse, I'm begging -- are my testicles black?"

Nurse lifts up his sheet, pulls up his gown and thoroughly inspects his private parts. "Sir, it all looks fine!"

Patient slowly removes oxygen mask and says, "That was very nice, but ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"

What are the funniest mask jokes of all time?

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